So this feels embarrassing for me to admit but honestly I feel like I need to be open about it and see what others think. Since I really started transitioning I was very intent on transitioning and I had no doubt and I thought I was just going to do it without looking back. However yesterday and today I really started to doubt everything I worked so hard to get to this point. Part of this doubt is coming from an outside source, a girl I met a while back but there wasn't anything romantic and then all of a sudden there was, and she doesn't know I'm in the process of transitioning. So I felt as if I was torn between being true to myself and having a chance with a girl that I honestly feel could make me happy and I could see a future with, but I know I can't have both transitioning and her, so I feel so lost and full of doubt. Have any of you felt similar doubt or confusion and how did you deal with it and what would your advice be? Thanks again for all the help!
Yeah I know exactly how you feel. Although I haven't expressed any feelings towards her, I still worry if I might regret not ever dating her.
On the flip side I also fear that girls might not be attracted to me when I start transitioning, or that I will restrict my chances of getting a girlfriend due to being a lesbian.
In the end I came to the conclusion that I would be happier being seen as female when in the relationship. Because if my girlfriend saw me as male, it would just cause further dysphoria; as she would have certain expectations (stereotype wise) of me.
If I were you I would start dating her, and perhaps pose the question, "If I was a girl, would you still like me?." Alternatively, you could come out to her if/when it feels right.
-Skye
Unfortunately I know that answer already, I know for a fact that she wouldn't want to date a girl, it's just not her preference and she no interest in it which is causing even more struggle because it really makes it feel as if I have to make this impossible choice between her or myself when really I want both =/
I've had the same thing happen. There's really only one thing you need to think about. If having a relationship with her requires you to not be you, then you wouldn't be having a relationship with her.
Quote from: EmmaS on January 27, 2013, 03:25:43 PM
Unfortunately I know that answer already, I know for a fact that she wouldn't want to date a girl, it's just not her preference and she no interest in it which is causing even more struggle because it really makes it feel as if I have to make this impossible choice between her or myself when really I want both =/
As the saying goes..."You can't have your cake and eat it too." When you transition you are going to lose certain things and gain other things (privileges, stereotypes etc.). Transition is a sacrifice for you to be who you are, it is -unfortunately- not a win-win situation. Albeit, I would call it a better situation in many ways; although again I can imagine that some parts of post-transition really suck.
All you have to remember is that there are always more fish in the ocean. And there is only one you.
-Skye
Yeah I know you are both right about each of your points, but I'm not even sure how to avoid getting myself in this situation again, clearly gaining romantic feelings for a straight girl as a girl is a bad idea, but for whatever reason I let it happen and I didn't stop it and now I got myself in this mess where ultimately I think both her and I are going to get hurt.
Are you currently in a relationship/dating? How close are you?
You could still be friends after...idk it sounds like a pretty difficult situation.
I know how you feel though, I had feelings for this guy and I'm pretty sure he liked me. But I couldn't bring myself to get closer to him because of my body. When he moved away I was depressed for almost half of a year. I still miss him sometimes, even though I know it wouldn't have worked out. He was the reason I started to question my gender; and because of that I will always remember him.
-Skye
I don't think we could be friends ultimately because we are really close. It took a long time to build up, but over the last few weeks it has really became a romantic relationship which came out of no where. I'm trying to avoid feeling depressed for months because of "what could have been" and so I question my own identity which I thought I figured out completely already.
Quote from: EmmaS on January 27, 2013, 04:09:25 PM
I don't think we could be friends ultimately because we are really close. It took a long time to build up, but over the last few weeks it has really became a romantic relationship which came out of no where. I'm trying to avoid feeling depressed for months because of "what could have been" and so I question my own identity which I thought I figured out completely already.
I question my identity daily, even though I had gone through a period of acceptance. I figure that part of it is that my brain has to re-wire itself slowly. I went through something similar when I lost my faith (deconverted); it took me about a year to finally accept that I was an atheist. And I always had thoughts of doubt and conflict.
Like I said, part of it is self-discovery, the other part is the time it takes to re-wire your brain.
The most I can offer is a bit of advice and an e-hug.
Hugs,
-Skye
The thing to remember is that if you enter into a relationship with her and give up transition, you will still have to deal with your GI. Even if you were together for 20 years it will always be there.
I know that, and the thought of getting married, having kids and grandchildren just to have that all ripped away because I didn't transition sooner is terrifying. It almost seems if it's meant for me to truly transition it would be selfish of me and would only hurt her and I more, but that doubt keeps trying to tell me there is a chance I just made a mistake transitioning to begin with and then logically I reason that I have had these thoughts since I was a child. *vicious cycle* in my head =/
Attempting a relationship with her will only lead to pain for both of you.
My 2 cents.
Agree with MoO
Girls are such a pain in the butt :-P Sorry, I couldn't resist. I feel for you in this situation, it's heartbreaking. But I feel that you must be honest with her. Nothing good will come from hiding it. Perhaps you'll gain a good friend that will help you in your journey.
Such a tough spot to be in. I've been there and it was not good... I think the best thing is to be true to yourself. This means telling her who you really are. Either she will accept you for it, or not, in which case it is not really love, and both of you in the end would be unhappy, you continuing to question your gender identity, and her likely feeling you are always holding something back or you do not fulfill her perception of the "male" role. Some of us have been married in the past, even had children, but the gender identity is always there and you will have to eventually face it. I wish I would have seen this earlier on, prior to the hurt I feel I caused, and the pain others could have avoided had I chosen differently.
I know where you're coming from. Something kinda similar happened to me this past summer. The thing is you can't have both. You know your gender identity and it will always be what it is. If you put on an act the likelyhood of disaster is high. What you have to consider is cost vs benefit. If you pursue a relationship, sure you'll be happy with her, but you are always going to have a female GI. And what if it doesn't work out? For whatever reason? As much as it may be taboo to think it might not be a successful relationship, it's a realistic factor, especially if you have to put on an act for it to be valid. If you transition you'll be a woman for the rest of your life, period end of story. You'll always have that with you wherever you go. I think you should at least come out to her and let it go from there. But I seriously do not recommend pursuing a relationship.
You have to be true to yourself without this how do you expect to be with someone else?
just be very sure this is what you want to do. you dont want to go all the way through to srs and then say. hey wait i dont want this trust me it sucks.
This dilemma is ever present whenever anyone realizes their true nature and then has to make the difficult decisions that will affect more than just themselves. I am married 42 years, and just now realizing who i am, and what I need to do, and facing the dilemma of who gets hurt. It is perhaps more heartfelt for you, as you have already begun transitioning. I have not, but am doing anything i can short of that to avoid possibly destroying my family (HRT to relieve the dysphoria). But how do I tell my wife I am transexual, (when discussing merely crossdressing, she said she could not live with a woman in the marriage) which is your decision also. It is a balancing of hurts to keep the total to a minimum.
Take some deep breaths, and look at your soul. You have a long life ahead of you, mine is very short. You will make the best decision for you.
Barbara
Quote from: MaidofOrleans on January 27, 2013, 04:21:56 PM
Attempting a relationship with her will only lead to pain for both of you.
My 2 cents.
Yerp
I agree with the other girls here. You have to look at yourself and be truthful to everything you are or may be, because if you don't and make the wrong choice someone else also gets hurt.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years to transition, I was unsure if I wanted or could fully transition. I ended up getting back with her and did so for about another 9 months, on the condition that I wouldn't fully transition and use hormones sporadically to control the dysphoria. This ended with me been a complete coward as I couldn't break up with her, but I knew I couldn't remain her boyfriend. It ended very messily; and we both got extremely hurt.
Please be careful.
I was seriously considering transition in 1984 but fell in love with a woman. We had a fairly happy marriage - sometimes happier than other times. One source of conflict was my ever-deepening gender problems. I finally transitioned after she died, in 2007. Now I've fallen in love again. The woman I fell for has always been with men but loves me deeply - in part because I am living authentically. She wouldn't have even considered me as a partner if I was still male. She is just one more reason I am really glad I finally transitioned.
As the others have said: learn to be yourself. Otherwise, you are short-changing both of you.
- Kate
If I can add - don't transition because you think it'll make you happier. Only do it when you know you can't go on living as a male, when you know it's futile.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 30, 2013, 01:46:59 PM
If I can add - don't transition because you think it'll make you happier. Only do it when you know you can't go on living as a male, when you know it's futile.
I agree!
I know who I am and who I have always been, a female 100%, I just wonder if I can just "suck it up" of sorts and be happy still, I know the obvious answer is no, but I would be curious if it is possible because I do really care about her a lot. I know I can't choose both and she knows something is bothering me lately.
Quote from: EmmaS on January 30, 2013, 01:51:22 PM
I know who I am and who I have always been, a female 100%, I just wonder if I can just "suck it up" of sorts and be happy still, I know the obvious answer is no, but I would be curious if it is possible because I do really care about her a lot. I know I can't choose both and she knows something is bothering me lately.
I know it hurts but it not like she will be the only person ever for you. They will be other women who will accept you for who you are. And will love you for being yourself. And starting a relationship with you not being fully honest with her and yourself will only doom that relationship.
Coming at this from the other side - a partner who truly loves you will want you to be happy. Sometimes that means, heartbreakingly, letting you go, if there's no way to reconcile their needs with yours. (And sometimes it means there are compromises that neither of you realized were possible until you tried, of course, but you can't count on that.)
I said very often that my wife needed to transition more than I needed to be happy, at least in the short term, because I believed we'd *both* be happier in the long term. But if it were a question of her living a miserable half-existence to make me happy... well, really, how COULD I manage to be content in that situation over the long term!? For me personally, while I did feel that her transition was a selfish decision (in the sense of "centered on herself," not as a moral judgement/criticism), I also felt that it was one she was entitled to, and furthermore that I would be *more* selfish to force her to suffer terribly and permanently order to keep from hurting me temporarily.
In the end, you cannot live your life for someone else without paying a very heavy price.
Quote from: Heather on January 30, 2013, 02:04:34 PM
I know it hurts but it not like she will be the only person ever for you. They will be other women who will accept you for who you are. And will love you for being yourself. And starting a relationship with you not being fully honest with her and yourself will only doom that relationship.
I agree with Heather. You need to be totally honest with her, and you. I tried to suck it up, and live as a man. In the end, I devastated my wife of over 10 years.
And yes, it is possible to find women who will accept you. We are out here. ;D
Yeah I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but I just worry what if I regret not trying with this girl and ultimately end up alone instead, I'm not sure I could be happy alone, more so as a female of course but the thought of being alone is terrifying to me. I might feel this way because I have had a girlfriend pretty consistently over the last 4 years, and one being 2 years long, so maybe that's why I feel like this more than I should.
Well... sounds like you have a dilemma ... possibly be unhappy being alone or be unhappy living a lie. You think you'd make a great SO lying to your partner?
Oh... and how great are you going to feel about life with someone you love referring to you as their man?
Quote from: EmmaS on January 30, 2013, 02:32:38 PM
Yeah I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but I just worry what if I regret not trying with this girl and ultimately end up alone instead, I'm not sure I could be happy alone, more so as a female of course but the thought of being alone is terrifying to me. I might feel this way because I have had a girlfriend pretty consistently over the last 4 years, and one being 2 years long, so maybe that's why I feel like this more than I should.
I have pretty much been married since high school. For the first time since then, I found that I was going to be without a relationship. I was terrified. But, I have recently learned that there are wonderful women out there who do care about me even though I am trans. In fact, I met three this week alone.
Quote from: EmmaS on January 30, 2013, 02:32:38 PM
Yeah I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but I just worry what if I regret not trying with this girl and ultimately end up alone instead, I'm not sure I could be happy alone, more so as a female of course but the thought of being alone is terrifying to me. I might feel this way because I have had a girlfriend pretty consistently over the last 4 years, and one being 2 years long, so maybe that's why I feel like this more than I should.
If you go into a relationship lying your going to end up alone anyway. But look on the bright side at least you like women. That sounds a whole lot easier to do than I am trying to find a guy who will love me for me. And not be a total perv!
Quote from: Heather on January 30, 2013, 02:50:48 PM
If you go into a relationship lying your going to end up alone anyway. But look on the bright side at least you like women. That sounds a whole lot easier to do than I am trying to find a guy who will love me for me. And not be a total perv!
I've actually found it more difficult to meet women than men. Men are easy! You flirt a little, let them buy you a drink and they are hooked. As for finding a woman well, I don't look 100% femme, but I am to femme to be tomboy, so it is not the best place to be at.
Quote from: Brooke777 on January 30, 2013, 03:13:09 PM
I've actually found it more difficult to meet women than men. Men are easy! You flirt a little, let them buy you a drink and they are hooked. As for finding a woman well, I don't look 100% femme, but I am to femme to be tomboy, so it is not the best place to be at.
I Don't pass yet! But hope to I'm just imagining my future troubles when it comes to men. :icon_nervious:
Well, to answer the original question, I'd say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you only get one chance to be who you are.
Quote from: Heather on January 30, 2013, 03:21:45 PM
I Don't pass yet! But hope to I'm just imagining my future troubles when it comes to men. :icon_nervious:
They aren't so bad, lol... Lots of them are just fraidy cats that are scared you're going to look at them like they're stupid.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 30, 2013, 03:52:41 PM
They aren't so bad, lol... Lots of them are just fraidy cats that are scared you're going to look at them like they're stupid.
Funny thing is, that is how I look at them.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 30, 2013, 03:52:41 PM
They aren't so bad, lol... Lots of them are just fraidy cats that are scared you're going to look at them like they're stupid.
Yeah I know they ain't that bad.
The problem with a relationship founded and built on lies is nothing more than a house of cards... It may reach many stories high, and even quite possibly look like a real house of dreams. But when the wind comes... and it always comes... That house will come crashing down and everyone inside will be crushed... albeit I'd rather be crushed by a bunch of poker cards.... Beside the point... It isn't real if you aren't you. Thus it will come unglued at some point or another.
I had this very dilemma over a year ago. I held off transition for a girl, but quickly realized that when I truly listened to myself and what I truly need to find happiness, that girl didn't fit into the story. Now? She texts and asks me to come back, but I've come to realize that I found a new, better, more exciting path. One that could lead to REAL happiness, and not another fiction novel.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 30, 2013, 01:46:59 PM
If I can add - don't transition because you think it'll make you happier. Only do it when you know you can't go on living as a male, when you know it's futile.
I am not sure I understand this advice... Are you saying you think, if someone could possibly bare living in a false gender role for them they should? Or am I misreading that?
Quote from: Flick21 on January 31, 2013, 04:26:54 AM
I am not sure I understand this advice... Are you saying you think, if someone could possibly bare living in a false gender role for them they should? Or am I misreading that?
For me it felt exactly like the description. I knew if I forced myself to live as male any longer I would sink deeper into depression and self loathing, that there was no point in trying anymore. You need to know yourself before you commit, don't change just because your unhappy, you have to see there is no future - it's not fun and easy.
.
Well transitioning has made me the happiest, and I mean deep level, to my core, kind of happy. But some of the experiences wasn't the nicest and I've lost friends and family on the way.
Of cause to transition is a want to make yourself happier, but I suppose what I was trying to say is you have to know yourself and be sure that it is what is required in your life... not just it may make you happier.
Quote from: RachelH on January 31, 2013, 08:17:46 AM
Of cause to transition is a want to make yourself happier, but I suppose what I was trying to say is you have to know yourself and be sure that it is what is required in your life... not just it may make you happier.
I think that's the key here. Nobody would consider it if they didn't think they'd be a happier person by doing it. The question is whether or not your unhappiness is based on your dysphoria or based on something else. If it's something else, it needs to be worked out ahead of time because a transition will probably just compound the issue.
Quote from: Emily52736 on January 31, 2013, 08:28:39 AM
I think that's the key here. Nobody would consider it if they didn't think they'd be a happier person by doing it. The question is whether or not your unhappiness is based on your dysphoria or based on something else. If it's something else, it needs to be worked out ahead of time because a transition will probably just compound the issue.
Exactly.
I didn't mean it as if you should only do it if it's life or death. You should do it if in your future you know that without a doubt you can't stomach yourself living as the gender you have been living. Transition should absolutely make you happier, but the real reason to do it full time is because living that lie is just unbearable.
And TBH that thought was really only on topic with this particular situation. I said it to kinda make the OP think about her future and what she should do with the situation she is posting about.
Well I am glad it's not just me who doesn't agree with that then! Yeah it should be about an increase in the happiness in your life, appreciating that there will be costs and not just financial ones.
Quote from: Flick21 on January 31, 2013, 08:48:04 AM
Well I am glad it's not just me who doesn't agree with that then! Yeah it should be about an increase in the happiness in your life, appreciating that there will be costs and not just financial ones.
So, would a new love come into your life and cause you to want to back away from transition because you'd be content with him / her, but you knew s/he didn't approve of you transitioning?
And there's nothing wrong with it if you'd be content with the lover... but it's only fair to be honest with yourself and hold true to that feeling for as long as you are with him / her, especially if you don't want to tell him / her what they're getting themselves into.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 31, 2013, 08:45:13 AM
Exactly.
I didn't mean it as if you should only do it if it's life or death. You should do it if in your future you know that without a doubt you can't stomach yourself living as the gender you have been living. Transition should absolutely make you happier, but the real reason to do it full time is because living that lie is just unbearable.
And TBH that thought was really only on topic with this particular situation. I said it to kinda make the OP think about her future and what she should do with the situation she is posting about.
I don't see why someone who hates their gender but thinks they could barely that, should live a miserable life by not transitioning.
Quote from: Flick21 on January 31, 2013, 08:52:44 AM
I don't see why someone who hates their gender but thinks they could barely that, should live a miserable life by not transitioning.
Well maybe that answers the OPs question :)
Quote from: Flick21 on January 31, 2013, 08:52:44 AM
I don't see why someone who hates their gender but thinks they could barely that, should live a miserable life by not transitioning.
I've had times where I got yanked back out of the need for a transition because I met someone that I liked. It's actually happened a lot over the years and the pattern is that I always end up unhappy and it's the dysphoria that causes it. I may think I could be happy at the time, but it's a proven fact that I won't be in the long run.
Quote from: EmmaS on January 27, 2013, 03:37:56 PM
Yeah I know you are both right about each of your points, but I'm not even sure how to avoid getting myself in this situation again, clearly gaining romantic feelings for a straight girl as a girl is a bad idea, but for whatever reason I let it happen and I didn't stop it and now I got myself in this mess where ultimately I think both her and I are going to get hurt.
the longer you let the lie persist the more hurt feeling will get
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 31, 2013, 08:49:38 AM
So, would a new love come into your life and cause you to want to back away from transition because you'd be content with him / her, but you knew s/he didn't approve of you transitioning?
And there's nothing wrong with it if you'd be content with the lover... but it's only fair to be honest with yourself and hold true to that feeling for as long as you are with him / her, especially if you don't want to tell him / her what they're getting themselves into.
There is no point in being in a relationship in which you can't be 100% you. All that's going to do is build resentment and anger towards the person who made you chose. And ultimately destroy the relationship. A relationship not built on honesty is doomed from the start and pointless.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 31, 2013, 08:54:55 AM
Well maybe that answers the OPs question :)
:-) I suppose so :-)
Quote from: Flick21 on January 31, 2013, 04:26:54 AM
I am not sure I understand this advice... Are you saying you think, if someone could possibly bare living in a false gender role for them they should? Or am I misreading that?
I think what she was saying is that it shouldn't be something to dive into with the thought of "I'm fine as a guy but I think I'll be happier as female" (or vice versa), because it might just be a reaction to a tough time in life, and rather it should be a conscious "Being male just doesn't work for me, I know I want to be female/I'm willing to go through all the pain to be happy" sort of thing. I still didn't word it very well, though. :P
I took it as a sort of "If you absolutely think you could revert to being male with no regret or doubt then maybe do it, but if you have even a tiny bit of doubt then it'll probably just get worse". Hopefully I didn't totally misunderstand!
.
Yeah I regret adding that part, the last paragraph was probably closer. :)
Quote from: muuu on January 31, 2013, 03:45:06 PM
I don't think people start thinking of changing their gender when they have a tough time... I mean, it's kind of a thing of it's own.
There are requirements that you should have had those gender feelings for like 1-2 years before you're allowed HRT, I think.
Then why would somebody consider NOT transitioning, when they claim they are transsexual? Could it be because they see a way to be happy enough living as a male?
.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on January 30, 2013, 01:46:59 PM
If I can add - don't transition because you think it'll make you happier. Only do it when you know you can't go on living as a male, when you know it's futile.
you are so right in your post because once its all done their is really no turning back. wise words i wish i could have been told a while back :P
Quote from: muuu on January 31, 2013, 04:19:22 PM
I don't think it's because they see a way to be happy. I'd assume it's because they're afraid of losing something else that they value, and I guess relationships is one of the very common things.
Well, obviously they were happy enough with what they were afraid to lose in order to stave off the complicated and expensive process of transition, right?
.
So... continue being miserably happy, even though you know deep in your heart you'll be happy without the misery with the pain on the others side of the situation. Sounds reasonable.
IDK, OP. Would you like to be miserable with a girl, or happy without one?
Well, I'd like to chime in. You don't have to be at the edge to have reason to transition. I've been through A LOT of crap in my life, and I mean third-world problems. I have thickened my skin, and I have found that I can just continue to tolerate my current existence. Basically, I can just tough it out, so to speak. However, simply tolerating my existence isn't good enough. The fact that I can live without transition doesn't make my gender issues any less valid.
I for one don't want to live a life filled with forced smiles. :(
Oops, I meant... :)
Quote from: DianaP on January 31, 2013, 05:16:42 PM
I for one don't want to live a life filled with forced smiles.
Me too!