Kia Ora,
I'm sure similar threads have been started, but I'll start another one anyway...
What do you think the main thing is at the moment that's stopping you from transitioning? [keeping you in limbo so to speak]
For example is it :
* Family/friends-fear of losing them. or they might want to hurt you in some way if you do
* Religious belief [it's a sin]
* Finances
* Not being able to blend in
* Not being able to get work
* Not being able to find a partner
* Lack of confidence
* Fear of the unknown
And if you've already transitioned what was your fear prior to transitioning? And did it eventuate ?
Did you jump out of the 'pre-transition' frying pan... into the 'post-transition' fire ?
Or was your worry just paying interest on trouble that 'never' came ?
Metta Zenda :)
My dad. I just can't go through with this without telling him. I can go without my mom, but not him.
That's it.
Mostly my own self doubt...I really couldn't care less what my family thinks of it. I'm just not sure if I'm actually trans, or I'm just making this all up...if I am just making this up and I do transition, it would be terrible to have to detransition and have even more social pressure/criticism.
When I tried 20 years ago, I did not because my Dad would not have been supportive. And I was and still am very much a Daddies girl. Even though he never knew it.
Then when Mom passed and Dad followed, I was freed to be the real me. I am just sorry that they never got to see their daughter happy at last.
In my yearly 20's (A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away) I stopped because after a while I saw I'd be living the same nightmare I was for the forst 20 years of my life, being a target of ridicule, derision, and worse.
These days, some 30 years laters as I once again took the demon head on, he wins. My life sucks, will suck, and worse yet if I transition. The two straws that I desperately grasp to define my Raison d'être will, at the end of the day, be destroyed by persuing that dream.
Better luck next time around I figure
Not being able to be accepted by people who know me as *male name* as a female. Then again, that's a fear that isn't going to stop me. :P
What's stopping me, what's holding me down from walking down a road in which I know will make me happy, proud once again to be who I am. Fear. Love. Money.
I understand in the beginning I will not blend in. Like many, I will have to walk into that awkward stage and hold my heart steady as I deal with being disappointed at the speed of which things are changing. I research and read, spending hours and hours, about every experience, process, and medical-related article I can reach. I know what to expect, and yet I don't. As it was noted, it's partly the fear of the unknown, not being prepared enough, the fear of not thinking things through enough even if I have so far as over-thought things -- maybe. Every experience is different so I can do as much research as I want, and it could still be for naught.
Love...love is a tricky thing. My family, I love unconditionally...despite the storms. My mom is currently in the hospital for her mental health. It was the final push to make/let me move home after an "uncomfortable" relationship which chipped away at my self-worth. Now I'm just trying to take care of myself and my family. I visit my gram every week, I call my mother constantly to make sure she's okay, and I'm looking for a job again. To come out, when everyone seems to be on the verge of breaking down, isn't the best moment to do so and, to be honest, I do think (know) my family won't quite get female to male thing anyway. Sometimes it's easier not to fight it and do what needs to be done on my own time. For the moment anyway.
And lastly, money. But I know I'm not the only one on that front, so I'm not going to say much on that.
I've kind of set my own process of transitioning at this point, which goes "outside" of the official paths. The two reasons, that I haven't started transitioning fully at this point are:
- I don't at this point want to risk of loosing my job, but will rather do the two current contracts that I have to the end (December 2013). Get the money from those contracts, which I can use to make my transition a much smoother thing, than without a money. Many TS here have thought this approach a very good one and mindful of the fact, that many have lost their jobs, which will make completing the transitioning a nightmare.
- I don't want to yet end my relationship with my dad and my current gf. The relationship with my dad will end completely, but with my gf I'm hoping to keep her as a friend.
Thus, my aim is to be living as a complete me, a woman, beginning of next year, or if I can end the job contracts earlier and have gotten enough money from those, then I could transition fully in November or December this year.
At least this timetable gives me time to complete laser treatment and other things.
I think I just conquered the second of mine. Sure, I came out to my mother years ago, but it's completely different when you tell friends. For me, it's not family who's there to pick up the pieces. It's friends. To know I have two in my corner now, who also happen to be women, makes things seem a lot easier. They may not know much about the process, but I can pick up the slack there. What they do know though, is what I need the most, and that's how to be a woman. In the past, I would have to observe them to figure this stuff out. Now I can just ask them.
FYI the first of mine was self-acceptance.
I have two more obstacles stopping me right now. The first is the fear of dressing in public when I'm not around people that I know are accepting. I'm doing baby steps there. I can't bring myself to do it in a dress yet, but I have had several small outings in my casual clothing like jeans and a blouse. I like the boot cut jeans and guys simply don't wear them, so it's pretty obvious that they're women's jeans. They range from taking the trash out (apartment complex so it's a bit of a hike), getting the mail (same as for the trash), ordering a pizza and answering the door in girl mode, or walking to the car and back.
The second is my voice. It needs a LOT of work to be considered passable and I don't want it to constantly out me.
What was stopping me was fear.
Losing my job, losing respect, losing some thing even though I didn't know what it was.
When I did transition I realised those fears existed in one place only. Between my ears.
I have lost nothing.
I have gained everything.
I had to face the same fears. I did lose a lot, but on the other hand I came out the other side a better person than how I started. I haven't talked to my parents in probably almost 20 years now because of my transition. But I did realize that this was the anchor that held me back. I was living "their" life, the life they wanted for me, not my own. I'm sure they were worried that their son would never be taken seriously, afer they invested all that blood sweat and tears to raise me and send me off to college and here I go and did this to them. But my life is my life after all.
I feared losing my job and being unemployable and never working again. I did lose a job and have to start over, but that was actually a good thing. It was a fresh start.
I feared losing my friends, and to be honest from a gender transition its bound to happen. I had guy friends, now i have girl friends. Over the years now, all of the original friends are gone, replaced with new ones more appropriate to my gender and life.
Despite all of this, I still know I did the right thing. To finally be rid of my own gender confusion is something that is hard to put a price on. To wake up one day and the fog that held my my brain in a state of gender chaos was gone. That's a hard thing to knock :)
Primarily money. I'm dependent on my parents [a sad fate at the age of 24] and therefore have no money. And I'm scared to come out to them.
Money, plain and simple. It was back then at 25 years old at my first go around and is now at 44 years old. Reasons:
1. I would have to depend on no job to tell me whats right or wrong, who cares?
2. If my family and friends abandoned me, oh well, living well is the best revenge, loaded.
3. You can get so much accomplished with money, like surgeries, pay others to do your housework/apartment work.
4. Yea, you can get faux friends, but if you hide your loaded, you can actually make good friends, just remember to hide your
fortune.
Lucia,
P.S. Cynical, but hey, its worked for me so far. Oh yea, before I forget, you can buy all sorts of awesome heels and sandals with that mulah. :)
The one thing that made me hesitate was realizing the permanence of transition...what drove me through that, was the horror of staying male..."permanent? OMG I hope so!"
So the permanence was both a fear, and a motive.
Money, and some justifiable concerns that my history of atypical responses to medication might well complicate transition, and HRT in particular.
The rest is mostly free-floating fear and anxiety, much of which has tended to go away when I've been able to be open about my trans-ness in situations with close friends and acquaintances who have been wondering for a long time why I haven't lived up to my potential.
I've been lucky in that when I started to transition I've yet to run into something that have made me slow down from going at the pace that I want. The only possible hickup I can see is I'm looking at SRS sometime fall/winter this year depending on when I can get the papers signed that would allow me to. But money for it might turn out to be a problem, I got the money for the SRS itself, but not for the flight, hotel nor backup money. But there is still time!
As for what halted me from starting to transtition to begin with it was only myself. I tried earlier, dressing in womens clothes, but I could feel that I wasen't ready, I wasen't ready to begin the journey. So I just focused on other things, I found theater and love it. Then later on I felt I was ready to start transitioning for real this time.
I feel increadibly lucky that I haven't had external factors hindering me from transitioning.
I'm uncertain what the future holds... perhaps one day I will transition. Two things that presently prevent me (aside from finances - which I could swing in the long run, but wouldn't categorize as a "high-priority expenditure"...) are:
1) I can stay the course and still be happy (though admittedly perhaps less so than if I were to transition... then again, p'haps more so - can't tell the future... but I do know that it's unwise to screw around with "happy"...).
2) I would not do so unless My Lady was 200% okay with it. Not transitioning probably won't kill me... but if I thought that transitioning would cause her any heart-ache at all, then it would be completely off the table.
the only thing stopping me
is
my parents
yes they know
but they wont get me help
I feel like they dont care about me
but parents can only stop you for so long
until they lose their grasp on your life
that day will soon come for me
and that will be one of the happiest days of my life
My job its is very physical and I would probably no be able to do it anymore. I guess I could get another easier job.
Afraid of what family would think, Mother siblings etc.although I have somewhat failed at being a male.
Its not that I am not attracted to females (I have always had a deep desire to be one), I have been somewhat a loner after many failed relationships and feelings of inadequacy as a male lover.
I always felt (and women have made jokes) my penis was too small to pleasure a woman satisfactorially.
(I had sever acne when I was a teenager and used to believe the medicine (accutane I think?) had an effect there but no longer believe it did.)
After trying to suppress my desires and true feelings for many years I think I could have been happier as a woman if only I had started earlier in life.
I have never been a real manly man either but played the part.
Sometimes I think I would look nice as a female.
I too have sometimes felt that it was a sexual thing because I was always so aroused when wearing womens undergarments but now I think it is much more.
I am scared and being 50 and having no insurance andno gf's never been married, no kids and no real friends ..........well just writing this really depresses me realizing my life really sux!
I also worry if I would ever pass as a woman and the money involved in transitioning.
I hate shaving my face laser may get most but there is some grey.
I like shaving and waxing legs but wish there were no hair there really.
Sorry for this rant and going off on a tangent.
My life is a bit unusual to say the least and I am scared of any drastic changes for fear that it may make my situation worse but otoh things may be better on the other side possibly.
Quote from: michelle gee on February 04, 2013, 08:02:26 PM
I am scared and being 50 and having no insurance and no gf's never been married, no kids and no real friends ..........well just writing this really depresses me realizing my life really sux!
Wow. Well, on the bright side, having no spouse or kids makes it easier since you don't have to worry about any hurt feelings upon coming out or super tight finances.
Sorry, I'm a hopeless optimist. :)
Quote from: DianaP on February 04, 2013, 08:35:24 PM
Wow. Well, on the bright side, having no spouse or kids makes it easier since you don't have to worry about any hurt feelings upon coming out or super tight finances.
Sorry, I'm a hopeless optimist. :)
Not to be a pessimist, but as a single person myself, I find that being single just makes me more clingy to the few friends I do have and that makes it (err made) it harder to risk losing it.
The biggest reason why I'm not transitioning right now is because of my living situation. I live with my mom and she is a very religious person. She wouldn't be very accepting of me.
Another reason is location. Where I live, resources are scarce and it is a small, conservative town.
Hormones-wise- The things that are stopping me from taking them is my living situation of course, and also my health problems. I'm borderline high blood pressure and I need to get that sorted out first before hand. Diabetes runs in my family too so yeah. Sadly it will be years before I can take hormones.
Quote from: Malachite on February 04, 2013, 10:23:31 PM
The biggest reason why I'm not transitioning right now is because of my living situation. I live with my mom and she is a very religious person. She wouldn't be very accepting of me.
She may surprise you. My mother's also very religious and she's the first person I told. She's very supportive.
Quote from: Emily Elizabeth on February 04, 2013, 10:32:26 PM
She may surprise you. My mother's also very religious and she's the first person I told. She's very supportive.
I wish, but I doubt it. I tried to come out to her slowly one time by telling her that I wish to dress like a male,etc, but her cell phone rang, and after she got off the phone I was trying to continue the convo but she cut me off and told me that she didn't want to hear anymore about it. Stupid phone.
Quote from: Malachite on February 04, 2013, 10:54:16 PM
I wish, but I doubt it. I tried to come out to her slowly one time by telling her that I wish to dress like a male,etc, but her cell phone rang, and after she got off the phone I was trying to continue the convo but she cut me off and told me that she didn't want to hear anymore about it. Stupid phone.
Sorry to hear that. I thought the doubt was just from past experiences. My mother had voiced her dislike of trans people when I was around middle school, so it always kind of scared me.
Kia Ora,
In some of the other threads "Regrets" seen to be the order of the day-And one of the biggest ones:
:( "I wish I had transitioned when I was younger !"
I guess it's important for you younger ones to realise-it's still possible to successfully transition in your 30s 40s 50s or 60 +, even if you have married and have children...However the male/ female baggage "regrets" accumulated, can for some [but not all] be harder to get rid of...Especially if the regrets are laced with 'guilt' !
Even though nowadays the general public are more informed about the transsexual condition [one could even say more accepting], but when it comes to taking that first step on the path which leads across the gender-bridge/divide 'coming out' still fills some with the same fears and anxieties as those of us who transitioned a decade or decades ago, in the 'bad' old days-the dark ages...
Metta Zenda :)
Let's see, self doubts, I over think and second guess myself in every part of life, no surprise I'm doing it with this.
Telling friends and family.
Fear of bringing negative attention onto myself and/or being ostracized to some degree.
Not passing.
Potentially being alone if I do, right now my options are gay men who are what 1 in 10 or something? I can't help but think the percentage of people open to being with a transgender person would be lower still.
Having to live full time before the NHS will give you hrt, scary.
Think that kind of covers everything.
I wanted to transition in my twenties, but money, fear of what others thought and not being able to find doctors and therapists to help squelched my dreams of doing it then. I was also worried that I would never be able to even be remotely believable as a woman. It took becoming so miserable that I just didn't care what the consequences were anymore and the internet helping me with some resources until I was finally able to do something about it, and at the time, I had absolutely nothing to lose anymore.
Wow, what's stopping me?
I'm married and I couldn't bear loosing my wife and sons. My wife and I are both Christian and fairly active in our pentecostal church. (I have no problem reconciling my faith with my being transgendered or the possibility of transitioning) I do fear loosing my church support though, I briefly talked with my pastor and he was so badly misinformed it was tragic to see his knee jerk Trans-phobia and homophobia jump up and say "Hi There!" He obviously could not separate transgender from homosexuality so after a total of 45 seconds on this topic I left him to think.
My employer is also hugely homophobic and also confuses transgendered persons as being just homosexuals. If I even come out there, I'd loose my job.
I'm 43 years old and my body and face by now have been very masculinized by the years of testosterone in my system. I fear that I would never look like the "Me" I know is in here. I'm afraid of never being able to pass.
Of course I fear the unknown but I have managed to come out to a very select few people I grew up with, one of my brothers and his wife, my mother, an aunt and a cousin as well as a former "girlfriend" that I have stayed in touch with and is the mother of my first daughter. (She knew of my cross dressing when we shared an apartment 20 years ago.)
to close this little circle of fear I have around me I come back to my wife whom I love dearly, I have not been able to gather the courage to tell her of my darkest secret and I fear hurting her.
I do deeply want to transition but I don't think I can pay the price transition demands. I keep thinking that to transition would be extreemly selfish of me to abandon everyone and everything just to change my assigned sex. (I know that isn't true, but head knowledge and heart knowledge conflict on this point).
Yes I know it is going to tear me up, but as Ms. OBrien VT's signature says. "It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender. It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one." I'm not there yet.
Finances are the only thing stopping me at this point, but hopefully that will soon change! I have a job interview at a place I would really love to work at, and have applied there multiple times.
I have the whole thing planned out in my mind. The moment I get my first paycheck, I'm going to open a savings account and start putting a bunch of my money into there. With what's left over, I'm planning on slowly changing my wardrobe. Replace a pair of my jeans with the jeans I really like every so often, replace my male shoes (though there are some I'm going to hang on to because they're pretty unisex) with the shoes I would rather wear, get some heels and boots in there as well, get some universal accessories I like and incorporate them all into my weekly wardrobe so the people around me get used to me in my proper attire. I'm also wanting to get my ears pierced, because I really love earrings. Come June/July, I would like to get started on HRT, I feel like I should have a decent amount of money built up in my savings by then.
But of course, things could not turn out the way I would like them to at all. Totally a very frustrating option!
I'm scared. It all comes down to fear. I wish I could come out, but I just can't. Much too scared.
Definitely fear of the unknown. I'm scared because it's such a huge change and I can't be certain the outcome. I oft wonder if I'm maybe better off not transitioning and playing it safe. Then I worry I may miss something great.
My biggest fear was fear of not passing. Fear of ending up as some he-she-it person that was teased and laughed at and looked nothing like a real woman. I thought that my situation was hopeless in that regard for so long because whenever I looked at myself and saw my big shoulders and masculine face and unfeminine legs, I just felt like there was no hope of me ever looking like a real girl. (That was, until I learned that HRT really could fix all of that. Once I found that out, NOTHING was going to stop me.)
I'll admit, I am still a little afraid of this, though. The changes of HRT are painstakingly slow at times, and there's still no way to see what I'll eventually look like, so it's still a fear of mine, that I'm not ever going to truly look like the woman I want to be. It takes watching a LOT of post-hormone videos and looking at a LOT of post-hormone pictures to constantly remind me that it really is going to happen, and there's no reason to be so afraid.
This has been an interesting thread and we can certainly see common reasons of factors that stop people. Fear of course is major and fear of losing family, particularly wife and kids are very high. Jobs and religion are close as well.
I think it would be useful for posters to state what country they are in and whether there are sex discrimination laws are in force in the areas (States, regions, work places) they are in.
To clarify, many members have the assumption that we are all from the USA, a very common assumption for people from the USA about virtually everything :laugh:. But fortunately incorrect, this Site is truly global and we have the opportunities to see how laws operate to protect or fail to protect people in different countries.
This will be valuable in helping people decide what information they should pass to their politicians to create good law for people.
And I would suggest that this is useful because laws can change how we live and operate in society - no matter what personal opinions are held by people we interact with.
I am well known here so I will not re-iterate my position. But for those who do not know. I am a very high profile professional in South Australia in the Health system. As people may recall I did not transition as I was terrified of the ridicule and of losing my job. AND, if not losing my job, being unable to function in my job due to people side-lining, ignoring me, manipulating budgets etc etc.
In my job I have to relate to and manage aggressive, assertive senior management level people, all of whom are ambitious and capable.
In the end I had a choice, be me or die. Simple. Death may not have been defined as the end of physical life, but as the end of being able to function. I was too unhappy.
I transitioned, on the job, straight out. Not quite but pretty damn close. "Hi. I'm having a sex change, if anyone has a problem I'm happy to talk about it. If you can accept me, great! if you can't? it's not my problem, you can deal with it.
Yes South Australia has excellent sex discrimination laws. Not a single person has said anything negative to me. Not a single decision that can I find has been influenced by my gender. Not a single committee that I sit on has even blinked when I enter and join, not a single one-on-one talk has been awkward. No man and no woman who I work with has displayed any outward appearance of discomfort with dealing with me.
In fact my happiness and my assertiveness as the woman I am, has progressed my career. The opposite of what I was so fearful of.
So our perception of fear can be very wrong; and people can be effectively protected by sensible law.
Cindy
This is well after the fact for me..
Nothing stopped me.. Once I realised that coming out and transitioning was something I needed to do, I did it.. Was I scared? Sure, very much so, but I also realised that his was something I needed to do - and if the world didn't like it, oh well..
I didn't lose my friends and family like I thought I would. I haven't had any more employment issues than I had before.
Oh, and I'm from the same place as Cindy - sunny South Australia.
Quote from: Cindy James on February 13, 2013, 03:43:51 AM
I think it would be useful for posters to state what country they are in and whether there are sex discrimination laws are in force in the areas (States, regions, work places) they are in.
Great Idea Cindy,
I'm in BC, Canada. and yes there are laws in place here to protect TG people. I'm not sure of all the specifics yet but so far I've found this... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Canada (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Canada)
I know that the laws are there to protect me in the work place, it does not mean that I will be able to keep my job, an employer can make a work place hostile to an individual in the hopes that they just go away, (many do). An employer can also simply dismiss you or lay you off. and claim religious grounds. Unfortunately I fear either of these situations are where I will find myself.
C.
Kia Ora,
Just following up on Cindy's post, when it comes to LGBTQ rights, this is how it stands in Aotearoa [NZ]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_New_Zealand (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_New_Zealand)
Metta Zenda :)
Quote from: Cindy James on February 13, 2013, 03:43:51 AM
I think it would be useful for posters to state what country they are in and whether there are sex discrimination laws are in force in the areas (States, regions, work places) they are in.
I'm from Ohio in the good old USA. And honestly, until now I had never really researched whether my state or my employer had gender identity covered under their discrimination policies or not (I'm still new to this... having lived my whole life as a white male, discrimination is not something that I'm used to thinking about.) So thanks for the impetus, because I now have the peace of mind of knowing that, although the state of Ohio has no laws protecting against discrimination based on gender identity, the company I work for, Ceasar's Entertainment, does indeed include gender identity under its corporate policy. (Plus has apparently received perfect scores on the HRC's Corporate Equality Index for 6 years straight. So that is AWESOME!)
Quote from: Zenda on February 03, 2013, 10:45:48 PM
Kia Ora,
I'm sure similar threads have been started, but I'll start another one anyway...
What do you think the main thing is at the moment that's stopping you from transitioning? [keeping you in limbo so to speak]
For example is it :
* Family/friends-fear of losing them. or they might want to hurt you in some way if you do
* Religious belief [it's a sin]
* Finances
* Not being able to blend in
* Not being able to get work
* Not being able to find a partner
* Lack of confidence
* Fear of the unknown
And if you've already transitioned what was your fear prior to transitioning? And did it eventuate ?
Did you jump out of the 'pre-transition' frying pan... into the 'post-transition' fire ?
Or was your worry just paying interest on trouble that 'never' came ?
Metta Zenda :)
For me:
1. It is family members (parents).
2. Fear of not being able to find work. I do not have secure, stable income yet.
3. Fear of continuous discrimination at public places and workplace.
Thus, I wish I could easily network with other transexual women in my local area for all kinds of support. I live in the Dallas-Fort Worth area of Texas.
(1) Family/friends: this is a real fear as I do not know how they will react.
(2) Religious belief: This is not much of an issue
(3) Finances: this is a real problem
(4) Not being able to blend in: a Great Fear
(5) Not being able to get work: i already can't get work so this isn't an issue
(6)Not being able to find a partner: same as above
(7) Lack of confidence: Always a problem
(8) Fear of the unknown: sort of but not really.
I am only out to a few friends and many of them do not care about gender.
Due to my political beliefs (Revolutionary Socialist) and Sexuality (Attracted to girls) i have been very much isolated from the local Queer community (Auckland NZ)
1. Finances
2. Can't get a job. No work experience and no one's hiring right now.
I'm hoping to fix all of that in the next month, though.
1. Coworkers/supervisors, even though I work for the County of Los Angeles which protects tg rights and so does California.
2. Friends, who know me.
3. Neighbors
Now I'm 6 months, 3 weeks into hrt, so we'll see how I face up to my fears in due time.
Lucia, :)
The only thing stopping me from transitioning right now is not having a diagnosis for gender dysphoria. The diagnosis would make me feel a lot more sure that I have TS since, well, it's a proper medical diagnosis. The doctors would probably know more about this than I do and so if they do diagnose me I won't be afraid of regretting things as much. I also don't feel like the people around me would accept me as much without one because it would just be me saying that I'm TS, with no medical proof or anything.
Quote from: Agenda Dysphoria on June 23, 2013, 02:13:50 AM
The only thing stopping me from transitioning right now is not having a diagnosis for gender dysphoria. The diagnosis would make me feel a lot more sure that I have TS since, well, it's a proper medical diagnosis. The doctors would probably know more about this than I do and so if they do diagnose me I won't be afraid of regretting things as much. I also don't feel like the people around me would accept me as much without one because it would just be me saying that I'm TS, with no medical proof or anything.
The closest I have to a diagnosis is the comment on my HRT referral, 'Would make an excellent candidate for hormonal reassignment.'
In my case it was doctors telling me that I was a crossdresser and refusing to look further, fear of my father, and later the success of my artistic career.
In the end I realized that I was only hurting myself and others through lying and pretending, not making the effort to overcome my fears, and that no amount of success or money could ever compensate for not being myself and not transitioning.
I decided that I would rather be hated and rejected for who I really am than accepted and admired for who I never was and never will be.
Only one thing now stopping me from completing my transition, fear of losing my job, a fear that seems to all the more realistic as I lost my previous job just 4 months after coming out and attempting to transition on the job.
Obviously, my termination was justified on other grounds but the reasons that were given were tenuous to say the least. As it was a small management consulting firm where I could only operate effectively if fully accepted by my colleagues, I decided not to bother trying to fight it, accepted a negotiated settlement and wondered for the better part of two months if I hadn't hit the end of the road. Those were two very, very, difficult months... :(
Overall, I have very limited confidence in the protection afforded by anti-discrimination laws, at any case in the sort of positions I work in where you can only operate effectively if completely accepted by those around you.
However, In a very paradoxal turn of events, the last consulting mission I was working on went so well that I was hired by the client at the end of the mission and now have a job which I much prefer to what I was doing previously. My employers are aware of my situation but asked me to put it on hold as we get through a huge amount of other changes , notably a carve-out combined with a merger but I am optimistic about the final outcome. I have been "Madamed" by third parties in in front of colleagues so often that at some stage, it must become obvious to all concerned that it would be best to officialise what anyone who has eyes can already see.
Otherwise, my family, after a little time to take things in, and friends, have been almost unanimously supportive reminding of an an acronym I once came across concerning the word FEAR: False Expectations Appearing Real".
The thing is, this applies to people like my employers too who have no problem accepting me in person but who fear how others might react. Based on this, and using an idea from Misato, I intend to invite my boss to a lunch or dinner sometime in the autumn so that he actually sees me in female mode and sees how others react to me. Hoefully, between one thing and another, I'll get over the last hump by the end of the year.
Bises
Donna
I'm afraid of what people I know will think of me afterwards. I know I shouldn't let it stop me, and it won't, but I'm nonetheless still scared. I have to do this.
Fear, plain and simple, I am scared witless.
Also besides being scared, doing this by myself is just as scary.
Trying to deal with it the best I can though.
J
Money, and those last few family members whos opinions matter to me and who i don't believe can handle it
I am exceptionally lucky in that I have a supportive partner, a very big family and a lot of friends that I know would not cut me off if I was to transition but ironically, that is what scares me. My ex boyfriend transitioned during the three years we were together so I got to know how it feel from the point of view of the supporter and it was a long, painful and at times terrifying process that I wouldn't want to put my partner or my family through purely for my benefit.
On the other hand, I'm scared I will never really feel like me if I don't do something. It does feel a bit like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place but I know there will always be a way out if I look hard enough.
P.S. Its worth noting I am in the UK so trans people are well protected by law and generally well accepted in most communities.
Pan
I just have no real burning desire or need to come out to people right now. I'm already mostly presenting the way I want (FtN/A :B), I wear clothes from men's and women's section, I bind around family and wear sports bras a lot, I have short hair, and so on and so forth. I've been a tomboy my entire life, with little break in continuity over the years, so this is just business as usual to most of them I'm sure.
Work isn't such a huge issue for me right now; It's a small start-up and I came out to my team very informally ("As someone that doesn't identify either way, I think we should...") and I didn't even get so much as a second glance. Maybe because I wasn't explicit enough though and most of them didn't quite catch on.
A hysterectomy would be really nice, though. Nixing my reproductive capabilities would make me feel much more at home in my body, and I'm sure a legal name change in the future is in order too. I would definitely come out prior to making those changes. But right now, there just isn't much more I can do to transition.
The main thing that's keeping me from doing it is that, while I'm financially independent and married/partnered, I currently live with my grandmother and for some reason it just would be easier for me if I waited until I was moved out and living with my husband before I came out to my parents and whoever else would be important enough to know. Immigration is a time and money suck, too, and I can't make any drastic changes to my life until I get approved to live in my husband's country. I also need to familiarize myself with all of their deals regarding transgender laws and policies too... though it's a socialist country I'm moving to, so I can't imagine that they'd be worse than the US. Wouldn't be surprised if they got a third gender option federally recognized before us too. Dreamy sigh..
Uncertainty. I still have a bunch of tough questions that I need to answer about myself. Finding a gender therapist would probably be a good first step towards coming to terms with myself.
Fear of losing family.
Sterility. While I currently have no desire to have kids, its one of those things that I always assumed I'd have at some point in my life.
Pfft. I am afraid of everything.
I don't trust myself to make the right decisions, so I fear that if I start transitioning, I'm gonna regret everything and ruin my life (although hey, at this point I don't really think i care).
I'm afraid my younger sister will shy away from me, after the 13 years we've spent as close siblings. She thinks that if someone transitions, they become a whole different person. She's scared that I'll bully her and be gross like the kids at her school, and I don't want to lose her.
I'm terrified of losing my family. If one parent knows, then the rest of the world knows. And my family is so religious, it hurts. I fear that the'll see me as the one bringing our streak of bad luck on everyone, and will throw me out.
I'm afraid of love. I'm scared that if I transition, i will never be seen as my true gender, and will always be thought of as a freak. I'm afraid my friends will harass me, i don't want to draw more attention to myself than I have to :/
Worst of all, I'm scared that if I do anything about it, my entire life will fall apart in front of me.
We shouldn't always dwell on our fears, though. Sometimes we have to act first, think later. ;P That's how a lot of things get done.
I already posted here a long time ago, but since I just posted more fears elsewhere, I'm going to cross post them here because it fits better here.
I'm scared for a number of reasons:
I'm scared of the reactions I'll get.
I'm scared of being horrible at a transition.
I'm scared of not passing.
I'm scared of passing.
I'm scared of losing my job.
I'm scared of losing the ability to pay the mortgages on my rental properties, putting other families out on the street.
I'm scared of losing everything I've worked for.
But I'm also scared of my hectic life dying down and finding myself in retirement looking for an out because this thing comes crashing down on me and I have no place to run.