When I decided to make this whole "living as a woman in society" thing a full-time deal, one of the first things that I did was make my name change official. I didn't really think that much about it at the time, I knew exactly what I wanted to change my first name and my middle name to, so I just went ahead and did that.
What I didn't do is change my surname. My reasoning being that my family would be offended if I changed my surname to something completely different - they had enough to deal with at the time and I didn't want to add another bullet point onto the "things we aren't dealing with" list that my family had compiled by that point. No matter, I thought. Something I don't really need to worry about. Doesn't make that much difference, really.
I'm not so sure I made the right choice though. I mean, my parents couldn't have reacted any more offended when I initially told them I was changing my name if I'd have gone with Hitler Antichrist instead of Megan Emily. And they still won't refer to me as Megan anyway, I doubt it would have been much harder if I'd changed my surname as well. It's not like they'd have to use it when speaking to me, at least.
The other reason why I kind of regret not changing my surname is the one that really gets me though. The thing is, most of my friends pre-transition never referred to me by my first name in the first place - something I kind of encouraged because it at least meant I wasn't being referred to by an obviously male name - they would call me by my surname. Kind of a utilitarian, no-imagination-required nickname, I guess. And it went on for so long, that my surname ended up feeling to me more like a first name than my "real" first name ever did. Now when I hear people say it, it kind of feels like it's referring to the old, pre-transition me, not the person I am now. I kind of tend to have the same reaction to it as to when someone messes up with pronouns in regards to me. It feels like something that belongs in the past now.
For those of you who have changed your name to fit your gender identity, I was wondering - did you change your surname? If so, why? If not, why not? And do you wish you had or hadn't? And if you haven't changed your name yet, but are planning on doing it in the future, what do you think you will do in regards to your surname?
Thanks in advance :)
Megan
I'm definately considering changing my surname. My upbringing was pretty hard and I haven't had any communication with my family (both my parents and all 11 siblings) in ten years as a result of it. I have no emotional attachment to them and my surname only acts to remind my of a past that I want to forget. In a way I want to be reborn as someone new with as few ties to that past as possible.
O by the way how are you Megan? I haven't seen you post for a while. Hope all is OK.
Blessed be Lydia
I didn't change my surname, and in fact, the name I chose (as my first name) was just the feminine form of my old name (Elaine is my middle).
While I didn't have the association of my last name being used as my nickname pre-transition, my new first name is similar enough to my old one that it created that same old-name/old-life association that you have with your last name. First, let me go back to the surname. For me, I never even considered changing it. That's my family, the name I properly belong to, and I felt that changing it would just be lying to myself. That said, I had no reasons that I might want to change it (my family took the transition very well), and after my father past away I was proud to carry on that name. Now, for you, I could see why you would want to change it (the surname). That is a very real association you have there, but remember that everyone will be calling you by your new first name, and the last name won't be used to call you by anymore.
For me, I had originally planned on making Elaine my first name. The name I actually wound up choosing may have seemed obvious (it just adds an 'e' to my old name), but in the past I never really liked the name. As I came closer to transition, it was becoming clear that my family would have an *extremely* tough time calling me Elaine (I have a very close and big family). I started to consider just feminizing my old name, not intending to actually use it, but the more I thought about it, the more I actually liked that name if I was completely subjective (if I didn't think about the association to my old life). Eventually I got to the point that I was able to completely forget about the past associations and look at the name I took as being beautiful, unique, and really truly fitting. On top of it all, I never really felt comfortable choosing a name myself anyway, and there was also the argument that had I been born a girl to begin with, the name my parents would have chosen may very well have been the name I have now, with all the same Latin meaning and all that. Now I love the name, despite its connection to my past. I personally would tend not to recommend changing a surname, but in the end it really does become an issue of personal comfort. Is your last name as it is now something you feel you can ever be comfortable with? For me, it was assurance in my femininity that gave me the confidence to use my new first name with pride, in spite of my birth gender, not because of it.
Also, I should point out that it's probably much more difficult to change your last name without a marraige license or something. The first and middle names are gender-specific and a trans-woman has very good reason to change them, but for the last name you would have to really make the argument that you need a new one and I think the court's main concern would be to make sure your not trying to evade creditors or a loan company etc.
Hope I helped!
EDIT: I just read Lydia's post, and if I were in your situation Lydia I think I would definitely change my surname, too. But if you have any chance of a relationship with your family, than maybe you should keep it? I don't know, I know I'm probably biased because my family has been pretty good.
I changed my last name. My family had disowned me. I saw no reason to not reciprocate. Additionally, I thought that I'd pick a common name that would be easy for anyone to spell so I wouldn't have to constantly spell it out and thus further the opportunity to out myself with my voice. That turned out to not be a problem later on.
It turns out that I did manage to repair my family relations. And my parents did admit some sorrow that I did not keep my surname. When I married, I kept my chosen surname rather than take on my husband's. That was a big mistake. I should have done that. I've adopted it among friends but legally no.
Cindi
My initial reason for a name change was that I wanted to get rid of my last name as it was. It's a very distinctive last name (only something like 80 people worldwide have it) and my biological father made the mistake of angering several southern states with a breach in flag ettiquete. Since I am Canadian, going into an international industry, I decided to change my surname (go me!).
This was before I came to terms with my own gender identity.
My given name is Mary Elizabeth Madelyn B------. It couldn't be more feminine if anyone attempted to give me a girlier one. There is NO nickname I can make out of that that is gender neutral.
I am now planning on changing it to Tay Phoenix L------. The reason for Phoenix, btw, is NOT a Harry Potter reference, but because I see this name change as a way for me to rise from the ashes of my totally destroyed childhood.
I did not see any reason to change my surname. If I ever got married again, I might then.
You're reading my mind, as just last night I brought this up with my wife. I hadn't considered changing the last name before, and in fact everyone I know of discouraged it because it would "disrespect my family" and "look like you're running from something."
But I was thinking about my father's reaction to me (he's "totally against what you're doing and doesn't want to hear any more about it") and many other things about my childhood and past, and ya know... cutting myself loose from all that baggage is a very, very appealing idea.
I was pondering this while watching "Brothers and Sisters" the other night, and I totally lost it when the girl said something like, "When all else fails, we turn to our family when in need. For without family, we're lost."
Well, I have no family to turn to. My only brother was terribly cruel to me as a child, and my parents... well, my father wrote me off, and my mother is terribly embarassed of me now.
So the more I think about it, the more I want to just start fresh, start over, begin again as Kate and leave that other life behind me once and for all and get on with living my life as it was meant to be... and on my terms.
I'm just not sure if changing the surname makes things more complicated?
The amusing thing though is both my wife and I coincidentally picked the same (fake) surname for use on the net many years ago... so at least I know what we'd be changing it too ;)
~Kate~
Are you mental? ;) No, I didnt. I just changed my first and middle names but left my surname intact.
Kept the family name, changed the other two. :)
No, I have not changed my surname nor do I have any plans of doing so. In part because I have always liked it, and in part because I am very close to my family. I have absolutely zero desire to change my surname; My first and middle must be changed as they are both reminders and both fit for a boy, not me.
*shrug*Quote from: Fer on May 22, 2007, 01:55:02 PM
Are you mental? ;)
I do not find that humorous in anyway. :|
This is a very touchy subject for some, please keep that in mind.
Thank you.
I kept my surname and just changed my sir name. ;) I did briefly consider doing it right at the beginning, but my then-wife brought up a good point. If she was willing to change her last name to mine when we married, why should I change it. I'm glad with the decision I made. It's bad enough trying to prove to people that I wasn't always a girl when changing information (yeah, I'm behind).
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on May 22, 2007, 03:08:39 PM
I kept my surname and just changed my sir name. ;)
You didn't like the idea of being "Sir Melissa?"
Having just changed my name last week, this is all pretty fresh for me.
I kept my sur name as I saw no reason to change it. I really didn't want a cutsey name like Candace Cayne. The name I came up with felt right.
What did go against the grain of the family was that all my parents children had the same first letter. The first name began with a "B" and represented the name of my father, the middle name began with an "L" and represented the name of my mother.
My parents, now passed, used it as a way to immortalize themselves.
Since I chose a fist name that did not begin with a "B" my siblings were scandalized. But they got over it.
-Sandy
I am changing my Surname when the time comes. It is short last name, but everybody mispronounces it, and I honestly do not like the flow of it. In fact I always kind of hated it. I will probably replace it with something normal. But I am sick of my last name as it stands.
As far as alienating the family. They cut off contact with me, and I have no issue with changing my name and not telling them. I don't advocate deep stealth, but honestly at this point, I don't have a strong enough connection to keep the name.
nope. my family's name has to remain with me until the day i perish.
Quote from: Kassandra on May 22, 2007, 04:20:56 PM
Having just changed my name last week, this is all pretty fresh for me.
How did it go? And isn't it just a load of fun to have to change all of those records? After more than two weeks, I'm still only half way through my list.
Since you wanted to know about problems, here is a conversation I had with someone at the college I graduated from:
"We don't have a policy of changing names on student transcripts. [pause] Do you concider that to be a problem?"
Well, duh. I have to call back and ding them on it again.
I changed everything, I changed my surname to my BF surname Smith very, very common and hard to pick one, they made a movie bout us LOL :) And Cindy is just such a pretty name not that other names aren't pretty, I'm just a little partial :)
Quote from: Lisbeth on May 23, 2007, 09:17:22 AM
Quote from: Kassandra on May 22, 2007, 04:20:56 PM
Having just changed my name last week, this is all pretty fresh for me.
How did it go? And isn't it just a load of fun to have to change all of those records? After more than two weeks, I'm still only half way through my list.
Since you wanted to know about problems, here is a conversation I had with someone at the college I graduated from:
"We don't have a policy of changing names on student transcripts. [pause] Do you concider that to be a problem?"
Well, duh. I have to call back and ding them on it again.
It went very smoothly other than the judge asking if I was changing my name because of sexual orientation. I said yes, I wasn't about to lecture a judge. See my blog entry in "Sandy's Transition - My Day I Court" for all the excrutiatingly boring details ;)
Good luck with yours. I'm just now getting the information to change my name at work. I also have to get to SSA and get my birth records updated. And then there is *everything* else! I knew this was going to be an uphill battle, but I never really appreciated the enormity of it all!
-Sandy (Sisyphus)
Kept my surname. Call me immature, but I think it's cool when they call out 'Mizz Savage'... ;D
-K
I kept my surname, and just changed my first and middle name to their fem. form. Now that it's done, I really like my middle name. Charlene much more then my first name. I use to hate it with a passion. I just changed my name about 2 weeks ago so it pretty new. Just went to the bank today to change my checking and savings accounts and the people there were just the nicest to deal with.
I've got to hit the SS office maybe tomorrow and see how that goes. I'm cheating just a bit as I used a form california had at the DMV without a court order. Odd that for a name change you must get a court order, but if it's also a gender change, well so far I've had no problems. I'm taking my new licence, my old FL license, plus ss card and a few other things to the ss office tomorrow and just see how it goes.
Then give the folks at the georga vital records a call and see about the birth certificate.
Beni
I change only my first name. never had a midle name so no problem there.
Only my first name. Its a hassle to change last names on this part of the world. Too expensive and too much of a headache.
Like most of you, I had decided when changing my gender I should take on a totally new name as well. My mother hasn't liked it, and she mocks at me at times by calling me by my full feminine name. I felt like a butterfly coming out and since I was being recreated, I found that a entirely new name was necessary.
She actually tells me that when I die and am standing in front of the pearly gates, that God won't know me because he knew my 'male' name before I was born, and so if I'm appearing before Him as a femiale, he won't know who I am. But then I had to stop and think; what about all the actors that have changed their names?
Gina :icon_dance:
I did, for I grew to detest my male legal name.
I detested the name in general, but specifically the surname, because,
--It represented a [psychological] 'tie to my past'. This could not be tolerated.
--I wanted a fresh start in my new life.
--I was named after my father. Without going into detail, I had a serious problem with this.
--Family has for the most part, rejected me - on the basis of a birth defect - but they did not do so with my younger brother, who was born with epilepsy. Neither have they troubled themselves to learn and understand what I have had to suffer hideously through for most of my life, whereas friends and others, have fully accepted me.
I want [excepting Mom or my one younger brother] nothing to do with them, nor do I wish to be affiliated with them. >:(
Rhonda Courtney Wallace, A&P, R&E - and proud of it.
I know how you feel Rhonda. The past is best left exactly there. In the past
Quote from: gina_taylor on May 25, 2007, 05:56:35 AM
She actually tells me that when I die and am standing in front of the pearly gates, that God won't know me because he knew my 'male' name before I was born, and so if I'm appearing before Him as a femiale, he won't know who I am. But then I had to stop and think; what about all the actors that have changed their names?
Isaiah 41:9; 43:6-7; 1 Peter 2:9
Quote from: gina_taylor on May 25, 2007, 05:56:35 AM
Like most of you, I had decided when changing my gender I should take on a totally new name as well. My mother hasn't liked it, and she mocks at me at times by calling me by my full feminine name. I felt like a butterfly coming out and since I was being recreated, I found that a entirely new name was necessary.
She actually tells me that when I die and am standing in front of the pearly gates, that God won't know me because he knew my 'male' name before I was born, and so if I'm appearing before Him as a femiale, he won't know who I am. But then I had to stop and think; what about all the actors that have changed their names?
Gina :icon_dance:
I think not. The interpretation is egregiously flawed.
It would imply that God is not omniscient, which is an essential attribute.
Matthew 10:30,31; John 2:25.
"Pearly Gates"? I think not.
Please. ::)
Quote from: rhonda13000 on May 25, 2007, 06:49:15 AM
I did, for I grew to detest my male legal name.
I detested the name in general, but specifically the surname, because,
--It represented a [psychological] 'tie to my past'. This could not be tolerated.
--I wanted a fresh start in my new life.
Rhonda Courtney Wallace, A&P, R&E - and proud of it.
I agree 100 % with what Rhonda has said here. On a side note, if I go start living full time, I too will be disowned, and it could be detrimental, due to my need for medicine.
Gina :icon_dance:
No
If i would have been given an androgynous name at birth i probably would have left it alone. since Jason isn't the most feminine of names I knew I would have to change it. when I was under the impression hat I was only a cross-dresser (believe that one?) the name I used was Destiny Fairchild. When I was doing my rounds of telling people I am a transsexual and going to live as a woman they asked me about my name. When I told them the name I was using at that time they all gave me the same reaction, "Dude, that sounds like a stripper/hooker/drag queen name." that pretty much made it abundantly clear that Destiny Fairchild was not going to be my new moniker for life.
I went online and did research on the meaning of names. I had a list of names that i was contemplating using. What made me settle for Renae is the meaning behind it. In the spelling of Renae, not Renee, (same sound, different meanings) means to start over or be born again. That is how I ended up being Renae Lupini. yea, I kept the surname. I really saw no need for a new last name and I dropped the middle name. All they are good for is memorialized dead relatives or emphasizing how much trouble a child is in.
I am keeping my surname. It's been mine for almost five decades now, and I've become rather attached to it. ;)
Chaunte
My family would have disowned me :laugh: The answer is no I didn't.
Quote from: Jeannette on May 27, 2007, 12:30:46 AM
My family would have disowned me :laugh: The answer is no I didn't.
Interesting. Yours made me wonder about an aspect of this that I had not thought of.
In any case, it would have been immaterial to me, but I wonder how [or even if] 'family' would have reacted if I elected to retain my birth surname?
Are they have been grateful for my having elected to change it, or are they insulted for my refusal to retain it?
But in any case I seem to be at a loss for........let me think here.........CONCERN!
Yes, that's it! :) :( :)
The whole "disowned by the family" thing was definitely on the top of my mind when I decided it wasn't worth changing my surname.
Given some time though, and being able to see that my family would have reacted the way they did no matter what my name was changed to, I have definitely changed my opinion on this. Legally, where I live I can only change my name once every year, so I am definitely considering heading down to the registry on the anniversary of my first name change to have my surname changed as well.
What to change it to, though? I briefly considered changing it to my mother's maiden name, but aside from getting half of my family even more annoyed at me it's not really the most appropriate surname (it's Welsh, and approximately 15 letters in length, going from a six letter surname it's something I am not going to deal with well). And also on my list is my previous middle name, for which it has been tradition on my fathers side of the family for the first born male child to be named for the last 200 years. Which would at least make it clear that I'm not giving the finger towards my family history to the people closest to me, if it does happen.
How did those who have changed their surname decide on what to change it to? I'm interested to hear how you came to your decision, because at the moment I have no idea what my decision will be.
Megan
I chose the last name I have chosen (I hope I can afford to change it by the end of the summer...) because it was the maiden name of my great-grandmother and I wanted to show a respect to her that was never given to her in life.
wow tay, thats kinda what i was gonna say. i am thinking of changing my last name to my grandmother's maiden name...because i really like it, and i have discussed it somewhat with my dad..he is noncommital, but has told me a few times that he doesnt have any attachement to my given names...he sometimes..(rarely) calles me Lyra..but i have a pretty good relationship with him, and i consider myself lucky.
I only changed my first and middle. I have been Deborah for 14 years now.
i don't feel that my surname is representative of my family...i may consider changing both, to completely take control of my own self.
Me? No..... Beverly is my actual middle name. As a child and teen, I hated revealing that name, but now, I use it as my first name, and use a feminized version of my first name as a middle name. Have I strayed sufficiently from the question at hand? No, I kept my surname.
Beverly Michelle
I don't think I'll change it.
My last name is french, brought over by my great grandfather or his father. However, the pronunciation was americanized (to a degree, most americans pronounce the 'americanization' horribly off) and the family has gone by that for decades.
After an exceptionally grotesque butchering of the pronunciation at my new job, repeated a dozen times by a lady trying to help me after I corrected her 3 times, I've decided to just give that up use the proper pronunciation. Most of my friends have told me I should do that anyway. It sounds classy. It felt very weird when I used it the first time without the stipulation of "Well, it should be x, but we say y", almost like I'd tripped over my tongue.
edit: That is to say, the next time I was asked my name at the job I gave the proper pronunciation and will continue as I meet new people.
I changed the whole lot but it wasn't anything to do with falling out with my family.
I was adopted as a baby so my surname was an adopted name. I used my birth fathers surname and also thought if I used the previous surname people would relate me to my previous identity.
Nope, not changing it, and since my wife already legally took my last name, I don't have much choice in the matter, anyway. My last name goes back generations, back to BC, and yet is still one of the least common surnames in most countries. I like it. As a writer, I need to have a distinctive name, so I think it's for the best. And despite the fact that I don't like my dad much, the surname has been mine for almost 25 years now... and my dad doesn't have the power to keep me from using what is rightfully mine.
Sebastien Dean
Quote from: Pia on May 25, 2007, 04:20:18 AM
Only my first name. Its a hassle to change last names on this part of the world. Too expensive and too much of a headache.
Brilliant hair Pia, how long did it take to grow it that long?
I debated quite a long while about changing the surname, it actually pushed back my starting my name change process for months. But, finally, kept my surname, my father's not going to get a genetic child out of me, so at least he should get that.
Some people said it helps to be more stealth to change it. But, nowaday, its almost impossible to really be stealth. My name change when it happens will be published in searchable public records. A person just needs to know where I come from, not hard with the slight french accent even when I speak in english and go for it. Anyway, I said to myself that I didn't care to hide from the dumbasses who'd spend that much of their time to find my past, its too much to sacrifice for so very little payback. So, I decided to keep the surname, a french canadian one (first ancestor under a variation of that name came to Canada in 1690 (the name has 10 spelling all originating from this original ancestor's name)).
Even if I marry (It seems such a remote possibility for now!!), I will keep my surname. I'm kind of a feminist on that issue.
Quote from: debisl on June 06, 2007, 01:26:01 PM
I only changed my first and middle. I have been Deborah for 14 years now.
Deborah, Were you quite young at the start of your transition? Possibly at the inception of puberty? I ask this as you look very genetic female in your aviator. You are knock out gorgeous.....
I prefer using zythyra as an only name, like Madonna or Prince :D I don't like it with my birth last name, did try it for a while with my mom's maiden name and that worked a little better.
zythyra
Since I had decided to transition, I felt that a nice feminine name would be in order, so I decided then that since I was changing genders, I amy as well go for the whole nine yards. My first middle and surname has been changed, but only through the common law way at this time. I plan to make the legal change early next year.
Gina :icon_dance: