Hey hey.
I wanted to know what you think about how I should handle this. Clearly I do not pass very well. My avatar is evidence of this as is the event that I am about to describe...
Today I went to the mall. I had my three children with me. Some boys (around 13-14 years) started laughing at me. I could hear them snickering as I walked past and though they were speaking in a foreign tongue, it was clear to me what they were saying. They proceeded to follow us through the mall, laughing, pointing, walking up to me and staring.
I was not upset for me about this, though I was worried about putting the children through that and if I am honest, that is the one thing that makes me doubt whether I should allow myself to be me.
I was however, very disappointed that there were children who though that it was ok to treat people like this, so I decided to go and have a frank conversation with them about how they would upset people by doing what they were doing and I got up and approached them. They scattered and ran, so I returned to my family. They came back and started doing the same again, so again I got up and approached them. As they ran I continued after them. I walked for a couple of minutes but they would not stop and talk to me. I was deliberately being as non-threatening as possible as I genuinely wanted them to talk to me, so that they didn't do that again to anyone else.
This is the second time that something like this has happened to me and the second incident that has 'spooked' my children.
I don't know what I should be doing or if it is fair of me to put my children through this. I am just quite aware that I would be signing a life sentence for myself, that may not last too long, if I can't be me. I am trying to remain rational about that, but it is true that it has been bothering me recently.
I love the person I am seeing in the mirror recently. Sure, sometime I hate looking in the mirror and there is always a lot that I think sux, but it me, warts and all, rather than someone else and love that. (I don't have warts btw - it's an expression).
I suppose I really want someone to make me feel better about being out to my kids and in front of my kids (who have said they have no problem and actually really like it) and give me some advice on how to handle the looks stares and laughing, for the kids as they are my everything, and I am a big girl, I can take it (though I don't like it).
Steph
x
I would have done pretty much the same thing if I were in your shoes. Besides ignoring them all I can say is maybe you could talk to the mall security and see what they can do? I'm sure they wouldn't allow harassment.
I'm sorry that happened to you though. Kids can be nasty...
I know how you feel. Have you started hormones yet? Before hormones I didn't pass well at all. And people would stare at some would laugh but what's funny I actually started to get used to it. But now I know I don't pass but people don't really pay me any attention. Actually I think I get more people staring at me in guy mode than girl these days. But the funny thing is I wonder were they really looking at me as much as I thought? Or have I stopped caring if people stare at me so I don't notice as much? It does get better the more you go out and get used to being out and gain more confidence in yourself.
As long as there are uneducated adults, there will be their wretched spawn.
Take solace in the fact that in 5 years, you will look stunning, and in 5 years, they will be ringing your sale in that same mall.
Consider smiling at them. I find that helps, when someone is staring. I smile back and try to show them the human inside.
Can you talk to your children about this? Ask them how they felt. How they might have dealt with it. Their opinions on why the boys were uncomfortable with you. On what they would do if they were in a similar situation.
This doesn't have to be something you are "putting them through".It can be something you use to help your children learn and grow and feel closer to you.
Kids like that have their own problems that they're insecure about and for whatever reason they feel like they need to take it out on others :(
Quote from: Hideyoshi on March 03, 2013, 07:46:23 PM
As long as there are uneducated adults, there will be their wretched spawn.
I almost inhaled my Dr. Pepper when I read this. :P
You could always ignore them, or do something to embarrass them, such as asking loudly, "Why are you kids following me?" :P
Quote from: Arch on March 03, 2013, 08:26:46 PM
I almost inhaled my Dr. Pepper when I read this. :P
"As long as there are uneducated adults, there will be their wretched spawn." - Hideyoshi
Right! I was thinking -
Quick! Someone grab me some marble and a chisel!
I just smile and wish a horrible death upon them. ;D
Never had that happen to me but I would try to ingore them but knowing me id probaly say say something to embarse them
I stare at them, with that look Moms have. Disapproving. If they start something, I will be finishing it. Especially if there is a mall security.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien VT on March 03, 2013, 08:54:56 PM
I stare at them, with that look Moms have. Disapproving.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Farrogantass.files.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F01%2Fdisapproval1.jpg&hash=cebfbeecb48049a566e9d6eb13cef2919eaaced2)
Hey Steph, I personally think you handled the situation in the right way. We should not be expected to take harassment from ignorant people, regardless of their age. Plus to have harassed you while you were out with your children is a really low blow. Have you discussed things with your kids and heard their concerns not only about transitioning but also the harassment that they may be subject to as a result? There's a blog I follow written by a woman raising a gender non-conforming child that may be relevant, though not analogous, to your experiences today:
http://anotherdayanothermom.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/first-encounters/ (http://anotherdayanothermom.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/first-encounters/)
Quote from: DrillQuip on March 03, 2013, 05:43:47 PM
I would have done pretty much the same thing if I were in your shoes. Besides ignoring them all I can say is maybe you could talk to the mall security and see what they can do?
Thanks. I can't really call security every time something like that happens though. Besides, they would all have gone as soon as they saw me approaching a security guard. :-S
Quote from: Heather on March 03, 2013, 06:38:13 PM
Have you started hormones yet? Before hormones I didn't pass well at all.
It does get better the more you go out and get used to being out and gain more confidence in yourself.
I am not on hormones yet. I think I will be OK to start in a couple of months. I am pretty darn confident though. I know I don't pass, but it only bothers me if it draws unwanted attention for the children.
Quote from: Hideyoshi on March 03, 2013, 07:46:23 PM
As long as there are uneducated adults, there will be their wretched spawn. Take solace in the fact that in 5 years, you will look stunning, and in 5 years, they will be ringing your sale in that same mall.
This is possibly true, but in those 5 years will I have indirectly subjected the children to 5 years of this?
Quote from: agfrommd on March 03, 2013, 07:54:54 PM
Consider smiling at them. I find that helps, when someone is staring. I smile back and try to show them the human inside.
Oh I do, I smile pretty much constantly and I smile at everyone who looks at me and there are quite a few! lol It's hard when there are, like, 10 teenagers stalking you.
Quote from: agfrommd on March 03, 2013, 07:54:54 PM
Can you talk to your children about this? Ask them how they felt. How they might have dealt with it. Their opinions on why the boys were uncomfortable with you. On what they would do if they were in a similar situation.
This is a good idea. I did talk to the children about it, but I didn't ask them what they would do. I asked them if they would ever stare are other people if they were different. The boys were not at all uncomfortable with me, if anything they were massively confident to come up and mock me.
Quote from: agfrommd on March 03, 2013, 07:54:54 PM
This doesn't have to be something you are "putting them through".It can be something you use to help your children learn and grow and feel closer to you.
Well, that's a nice way of looking at it and that could work for the first couple of times, but as an ongoing thing, it will not teach them anything other than what it is like to be mocked and intimidated. In this case we were in a mall and I felt quite safe, but if we have been, say on the street and there were less people around, having been attacked by a group of lads some years ago, it would have been more intimidating.
Quote from: Anna Michele on March 03, 2013, 08:05:27 PM
Kids like that have their own problems that they're insecure about and for whatever reason they feel like they need to take it out on others :(
I don't think that they thought there was anything wrong in what they were doing. That is why I wanted to explain to them, but I couldn't. I would have felt a lot more positive about the whole thing if I could have talked to them and get them to understand their actions.
Quote from: Snickerdoodle on March 03, 2013, 08:41:56 PM
I just smile and wish a horrible death upon them. ;D
I know you don't mean that, but still, hmmm, I imagine some of them will think about it and regret it later, maybe not. Maybe that is wishful thinking. I find it hard to blame someone for being poorly educated though, or raised with no manners. They needed someone to tell them how it is.
Quote from: AnarchoChloe on March 03, 2013, 08:59:50 PM
Hey Steph, I personally think you handled the situation in the right way.
http://anotherdayanothermom.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/first-encounters/ (http://anotherdayanothermom.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/first-encounters/)
Thanks Chloe and thanks for the link. It was a good read and I will go back there again :-)
Thanks everyone,
Steph :-)
x
Quote from: Steph21 on March 03, 2013, 05:30:50 PM
I was however, very disappointed that there were children who though that it was ok to treat people like this, so I decided to go and have a frank conversation with them about how they would upset people by doing what they were doing and I got up and approached them. They scattered and ran, so I returned to my family. They came back and started doing the same again, so again I got up and approached them. As they ran I continued after them. I walked for a couple of minutes but they would not stop and talk to me. I was deliberately being as non-threatening as possible as I genuinely wanted them to talk to me, so that they didn't do that again to anyone else.
Sadly, the experience my wife had as a juror says you took one BIG chance. Apparentl in this day and age of PC and how innocent and sweet children are, In NJ, if you as an adult simply "scared" a minor, you broke the law.
Gone are the days of kids being scared of grups. The tables are turned. THe kids rule and many know it far far better than the adults.
Geez Steph, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, especially with your kids. Teenagers are the worst. Stay strong girl.
Quote from: JoanneB on March 03, 2013, 09:49:18 PM
In NJ, if you as an adult simply "scared" a minor, you broke the law.
So really, In NJ, I would have broken the law even though I only wanted to talk to them, I was being non-threatening and in no way tried to scare them? Wow, that's nuts. Luckily then I am in the UK! Though recently over here a load of eye witnesses reported an incident where police physically and verbally abused a mtf in the street, so I wouldn't really count on much support. It didn't even attract any media attention as far as I am aware.
Here is a link in case you are interested.
http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/london-police-accussed-mocking-sick-trans-brutal-arrest210213 (http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/london-police-accussed-mocking-sick-trans-brutal-arrest210213)
There are many ways I handle situations like this but as you have kids you have to take them into account.
Sometimes I merely smile, sometimes I just ignore them.
If I was in that position I would have probably walked into the nearest store & asked them to call mall security as you were clearly being harassed, the youths would not have been any wiser about this unless they were close enough to overhear you, I would have then told security that you were being harassed & requested that the offending youths be removed from the mall, you have as much right to shop in peace as every other customer.
Mall security could have dealt with this without your kids being any the wiser
I have had offensive comments shouted at me by kids & have indeed walked up to them & asked if they have a problem they'd like to discuss.
One group had a young lad shout out "any chance of oral relief?" (he didn't phrase it that politely), my response was "only if you learn yoga", his friends fell about laughing & he didn't know what to do or say, he was more embarrassed by my response than I was by his rude question
Every situation has to be dealt with on a case by case basis & only the person dealing with it can decide what response if any is suitable, as you have to think of your own safety & the safety & security of your kids.
Kia Ora Steph21,
How were you dressed when in the mall? I mean were you wearing a skirt or dress ?
Even though you are confident and out going, perhaps all you need to do to reduce this kind of thing happening, is [for the time being] to dress "androgynously" ...
There are three reason for this
1) It's a breaking in period- getting others/strangers used to the gradual metamorphosis you have begun...
2) Once on HRT and the hormonal cross gendering process starts, you can gradually introduce more and more feminine attire...
3) This will reduce any embarrassing moments that your children have to endure [ They also will gradually get use to the change]
Personally this was the route I took over an 18 month period...When out shopping with my children[I have four] my androgynous appearance would attract "questioning" stares but no hostile comments nor ridicule, [just confusion as to what sex/gender I was and how they should address me] and as time went on I was being 'femaled' more often than not... People naturally presumed I was the children's mother[this was back in the late 1990s/early 2000]
I know that when one has made up their mind and adopts a "This is who I am-Stuff the world !" attitude, it can be quite hard to keep the Genie in the bottle, but at times it pays to drip feed the general public...
Now you might think "well stuff this, no way am I going back into the closet" , but for your children's sake it might be a possible solution to your problem... Besides it not really going backwards it's just putting the brakes on and dropping to a lower gear...For the time being ...
Just a thought...
Metta Zenda :)
Quote from: Steph21 on March 03, 2013, 09:40:01 PMI know you don't mean that, but still, hmmm, I imagine some of them will think about it and regret it later, maybe not. Maybe that is wishful thinking. I find it hard to blame someone for being poorly educated though, or raised with no manners. They needed someone to tell them how it is.
Oh, I absolutely meant what I said. I don't say things that I don't mean. That isn't how I conduct myself.
Yes, you can blame someone for lack of education and being raised as an idiot.
I will give you an example:
When I was in second grade I heard one of my classmates make a racist comment about the size of an older girl's butt. She was probably in the fifth or sixth grade. He said the word N****r (I'm only censoring it because it would probably be censored later even though I despise censorship)
anyway...
He said the word at normal volume and then he whispered the word butt.
This struck me as odd. I come from a family full of racists and even though I was only 7 I didn't need anyone to tell me that racism is wrong. I just knew it in my heart that it was screwed up to be like that.
So yes I can and will blame stupid people for their lack of upbringing depending on what they do and say. That is the way it goes.
.
Quote from: Kuan Yin on March 03, 2013, 10:46:51 PM
Kia Ora Steph21,
How were you dressed when in the mall? I mean were you wearing a skirt or dress ?
I know that when one has made up their mind and adopts a "This is who I am-Stuff the world !" attitude, it can be quite hard to keep the Genie in the bottle, but at times it pays to drip feed the general public...
Now you might think "well stuff this, no way am I going back into the closet" , but for your children's sake it might be a possible solution to your problem... Besides it not really going backwards it's just putting the brakes on and dropping to a lower gear...For the time being ...
Just a thought...
Metta Zenda :)
No. No no no no no. The response to experiencing transphobic behavior should not be that
we have to adjust or go back in the closet. The closet kills us. The closet makes us miserable on a daily basis and pushes a lot of us to the brink. Denying who we are because mainstream society is afraid is never the answer. It's difficult, but we need to be role models to those who are still closeted. For every one of us living our lives in the open, there are a half dozen afraid to show who they are, and that is not right. Especially if we are raising children, we need to create an atmosphere of openness and availability that helps demystify and make people more used to us. It is hard, and often unpleasant, but necessary. I think it's far more important to speak to those with us- allies, family members, children- to help use these incidents of hateful ignorance as teaching moments.
I think you generally have your heart in the right place, thinking of your children.
I'll just say this:
One of the biggest mistakes I made was going out with my kids before I was passable. While it would be ideal for society to be more tolerant and understanding, the truth is they are not. I embarrassed my kids and myself and quit possibly put them in harms way.
My oldest daughter lost a boyfriend because "her parent made him sick" of course she told him to stick it north up the south hole but still looking back I should have waited and after I saw what a wedge it was driving between my kids and I, I feel absolutely horrified about how I acted. It was selfish on my behalf
Now 4 years later and passable my kids love going out with me and we never get an awkward look. It was so worth the wait.
I'm not criticizing you at all, please don't think that... Just relating my personal experience. It's hard to slow down once you get rolling.
Quote from: The Original Cami on March 04, 2013, 12:14:55 AM
One of the biggest mistakes I made was going out with my kids before I was passable. While it would be ideal for society to be more tolerant and understanding, the truth is they are not. I embarrassed my kids and myself and quit possibly put them in harms way.
Quote from: Kuan Yin on March 03, 2013, 10:46:51 PM
Now you might think "well stuff this, no way am I going back into the closet" , but for your children's sake it might be a possible solution to your problem...
Thanks folks.
I should explain... I go to the mall that is a couple of cities along from me so nobody will know us and I do not dress anywhere near anyone that they know.
Otherwise I am the camp andro man that I was before.
Is that OK do you think? I mean, they are not going to lose face in front of friends because of me, and we are in a 'safe' place, so I thought it was OK and good to get the kids feeling comfortable with things. Besides, only dressing in the house by myself was kind of making me feel shamed and cooped up and I think that was kind of clear.
:-S Feeling all confused.
Steph x
One kid who had the nerve to ask why I sounded like a man, after Mum was staring as well, got the reply, "Ask your Mummy what throat cancer is." Didn't say I had it, so not actually lying ;) but should also help if someone with cancer of the throat speaks to them.
Also, as I believe the evil Cindy of Adelaide did call out, " It doesn't matter if you are gay, Jesus loves you." to homophobic remarks.
Hi Steph,
Don't hide.
There are at least four factors, you, your children, the people in life and the toads, whatever age.
You are learning to be you and you have the confidence to be you and it is very important that you do not allow that to be sapped. Your children accept you and appear in no way uncomfortable with you, but you are concerned about the effect of bullies on them. The other people in the shops and life accept you and, like all reasonable people are accommodating and accepting you.
You are doing nothing wrong.
These toads are.
Personally I would carry a water pistol loaded with petrol, spray it over them and throw in a match. Unfortunately this seems to be frowned upon, although it does appear to be a sensible way to correct the growing imbalance in the gene pool.
Sorry joking.
The issue, to me, is that your children are being harassed and bullied. Your presentation is irrelevant. You are 'different' to what these bullies want and hence are a target, you could be a person of colour, a person of religion, a person wearing traditional costume. You may be handicapped, you may have a deformity, you my have a palsy or a a face mark or one leg or three legs.
It matters not.
Your children are being bullied and the law and security are to protect them and you. Confronting children is chasing smoke, you need them to be found. Yes going to a shop and asking for security to be notified immediately because your children are being threatened is a good idea ( I would have thought shopping Mall security would recall the awful Bolger (?) situation). Photograph them and pass in the photo to security (I'm unsure of UK law).
If you are up to it. Stopping dead in the middle of the Mall and shouting. "Who owns these little bullies?". Reversing the situation. No one will come to help unless forced or paid. We need to force people to notice.
IMO We cannot walk away. We have to take responsibility because no one else will.
When and if you find the parents sue the hell out of them for not controlling their brats and causing pain and suffering to your children. Use a no win no pay lawyer and clean them out.
Just may thoughts BTW.
Cindy
In the UK you have to go very, very careful about taking pictures of minors, I know plenty of parents who have moaned that they have been told not to take pictures of school plays/sports days unless they have the permission of every parent, I get the impression that schools are just being over cautious.
As i'm not a parent I don't know for sure what the law is & how much these people are blowing things out of proportion.
BTW, I love the water pistol comment
Quote from: Kuan Yin on March 03, 2013, 10:46:51 PM
How were you dressed when in the mall? I mean were you wearing a skirt or dress ?
Even though you are confident and out going, perhaps all you need to do to reduce this kind of thing happening, is [for the time being] to dress "androgynously" ...
There are three reason for this
1) It's a breaking in period- getting others/strangers used to the gradual metamorphosis you have begun...
2) Once on HRT and the hormonal cross gendering process starts, you can gradually introduce more and more feminine attire...
3) This will reduce any embarrassing moments that your children have to endure [ They also will gradually get use to the change]
This is a good idea. The best idea in my mind.
I tend to stay goth, which is androgynous and non-conformist by its very nature, but always being in womens clothes I've been made fun of countless times. By kids, by teens, by adults, even seniors. Everybody. I feel like I'm embarrassing people I'm with even though they assure me they're fine with it.
What I try to do is put out this appearance of confidence. Like I'm fully aware of what I'm wearing and what I look like, and I really don't care what you think. When I hear a comment most of the time I smile and continue what I'm doing, not looking up, to subtly let them know I heard them and don't care. Usually it shuts them up. Sometimes it doesn't, and I usually let the humor wear itself out. The only times I've ever said anything was when they're adults and make really offensive comments. And even then I take the Bill Lumbergh approach.
The problem with dealing with them directly has been well described in the previous posts. In their eyes you're giving in and you can get yourself in trouble if you're not careful. Even if you're successful you're putting out a forest fire with a squirt gun. That's why I generally just deal with it. If you want to eliminate it all together you're gonna have to wait until you're completely passable. Then they won't have a reason to comment.
That's my view on this anyway.
I don't think it works for everyone, and I don't know how effective it is for other people who are with you, but here's my all-powerful technique for things like that.
Be a daze.
Pretend not to notice. Act like it's not about you. Pretend not to understand. Always assume the best, to the extreme. If the laughing people address you, go "eh? uhm, yes? what?" naively, and only after pretending not to hear it until it becomes obvious you must have heard it.
If you manage to do that, you'll be hurt much less. For one, eventually, always acting like you don't notice, you might as well start noticing it less for real. Also, if it doesn't look like it affects you, people you are with should feel better. And finally, most bullies eventually get tired of throwing knives only to have them go through a ghost who doesn't even seem to hear the insults.
There's always a dilemma about the attitude to have when going out as a girl and not passing very well. Be too "low-profile" and you'll seem unsure of yourself, which will cause people to doubt you further, as well as attract the cruel type of bully, who enjoys sinking people who are low even lower. Be too "proud" and you'll overly attract attention, and people will look at you more, wondering more. And those bullies who feel must defend themselves or the planet from perceived threats (mostly illegitimate threats but anyway) will feel you're on the offensive and will attack.
I think the daze attitude is pretty useful, because it removes this dilemma. You're not being low and miserable, or high or confronting. You're just elsewhere, out of all that, and as long as your acting isn't so bad that you seem to be ignoring them (making them angrier), you're good.
In my 22 years of being bullied by tons of people, from family to classmates to strangers, all of which ended up giving up, I can certify that the naive daze technique has a wonderful potential. Now, many (most?) people have a strong urge to fight back when attacked, and for them, it might not be possible.
As for preventing these occurrences, I guess the only thing that can be done is to work on the passing. You can get people used to you or tired of laughing at you, but new people always have a potential to laugh at others at first.
There's also, perhaps, the choice of appearance, until you pass better. Someone who doesn't pass well and dresses all girly in a dress, make-up and jewelry might be laughed at for being an obvious "man in a dress", whilst the same person dressed in girls'-but-sort-of-andro clothes might just be regarded as a "geek" girl who doesn't care much about her looks, or someone on a busy day, or their gender might be confusing.
If people feel you're "attacking" the concept of gender by being bold, they are very prone to attacking you. But if you're keeping a lower profile, then to them, it'll feel much more an aggression than a "counter-attack" to attack you, and a huge proportion of people who might have laughed at you in the first case won't in this one. Besides, if people are confused, wondering about your gender, they might look at you funny, but they will be too busy asking themselves questions to attack you.
Kia Ora Steph,
Re: Dresses & Skirts verses Androgynous dress style/sense and the female 'psycho-sexual/social' gender identity...
Ask yourself this simple question
" Is it the clothes I'm wearing[or would like to wear] that makes me 'feel' like a female ?" or to put it another way" Doth the clothes maketh the woman?"
Answer..............................................................
Metta Zenda :)
Quote from: Steph21 on March 04, 2013, 01:47:50 AM
Thanks folks.
I should explain... I go to the mall that is a couple of cities along from me so nobody will know us and I do not dress anywhere near anyone that they know.
Otherwise I am the camp andro man that I was before.
Is that OK do you think? I mean, they are not going to lose face in front of friends because of me, and we are in a 'safe' place, so I thought it was OK and good to get the kids feeling comfortable with things. Besides, only dressing in the house by myself was kind of making me feel shamed and cooped up and I think that was kind of clear.
:-S Feeling all confused.
Steph x
Kia Ora Steph,
The way I see it you have two choices !
To Be Or Not To Be ?
1) A reluctant poster T girl on the front line, running the social gauntlet [with children in tow]
2) A gradual Assimilator giving strangers[plus family, friends and "SELF"] time to adjust to the gradual changes
There's no right or wrong way, all roads 'eventually' lead to Rome... But which route do 'you' feel most comfortable taking ?
*Edited*
I should add...I don't know the age of your children, but I'm under the impression they are still quite young...And from what I gather, they are comfortable with 'the new you'...
So if you decide to take the androgynous 'slow' route you're not really denying who you are, you are just being a responsible and considerate parent who cares for her children's mental[and possibly physical] well being and also you're 'allowing' society time to adjust to the new you...In other words you're taking into account the consequences [holistically so to speak] that could arise from your actions-by attempting to minimise any possible impacts...
When I took the 'slow' route, my children's ages ranged from 5 to 11, this allowed time for me to smooth out any bumps in the road...
Metta Zenda :)
I didn't read everyone's posts but I just wanted to say, with regards to your littles, I think id it's important for you to be transitioning, then all the more benefit to your children. They will grow up to be more accepting of others. I think I read a study once that the children of parents who show extreme tolerance towards everyone, or who fall into the LGBT category themselves tend to raise extremely tolerant and kind children. I'm not sure how young your kids are, but look at it this way, while they may not understand now, one day they will and when they grow up they will not end up like those kids at the mall, they will be strong, confident individuals and they will treat everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation with tolerance and respect.
For now I would encourage them to talk to you if they are concerned about how you were treated and explain to them, if they don't really understand yet, that how those kids are treating mommy is not good, everyone should be treated with respect and the reason those kids acted like that is because their parents haven't taught them any better and the best thing we can do is smile and when possible try to educate.
I think it's important to integrate your true self into their lives. Jut a small thought, if you make their lunches for school you could put little notes inside, Have a Good Day, love Mom. Something small that their friends won't really read much into but your children might see it, and since it's written down, may begin to really consider you as Mommy.
In any case I think you should focus on "Do I want to transition now?" and if the answer is yes, then do it. Your children will one day thank you for it, your transition will not just makes you happier, it will transform your children into loving, or at the very least, tolerant individuals.
I hope all of that didn't sound like nonsense :-X
Kids like that feed on weakness, real or perceived. Personally I would have tried my best to block them out and keep walking. They were clearly afraid of you when you turned your gaze to them so it wouldn't have ended in a confrontation, but that also told them that their words bothered you enough to make you stop walking.
Hey hey...
I have been giving this some thought and there seem to be two schools of advice....
1. be yourself
2. Don't be yourself until you pass.
Its probably not difficult to see why I was really hoping people would just say number 1, and give me good reasons for that which boosted my confidence that I was doing the right thing, and maybe some advice that would make things go a bit smoother.
The fact that there was some advice that supported option two had been considered though, but I have to face the fact that I may never pass (sob sob, try to move on...) and then what do I do? never be me? Never go outside?
I don't actually know if I am strong enough to do that, but my children are everything, everything completely, so... yeah, problem times. I don't take anything here very lightly at all. It is simply how it is.
Steph.
Are you a fan of Rush? Here's a song that made me think of this thread! Sometimes the best thing to do is know that you're a better person than they are and don't acknowledge that they're bothering you.
Quote
Thank your stars you're not that way
Turn your back and walk away
Don't even pause and ask them why
Turn around and say goodbye
Wish Them Well (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv8zCQ4Itf8#)
Quote from: Steph21 on March 05, 2013, 06:12:32 PM
Hey hey...
I have been giving this some thought and there seem to be two schools of advice....
1. be yourself
2. Don't be yourself until you pass.
Its probably not difficult to see why I was really hoping people would just say number 1, and give me good reasons for that which boosted my confidence that I was doing the right thing, and maybe some advice that would make things go a bit smoother.
The fact that there was some advice that supported option two had been considered though, but I have to face the fact that I may never pass (sob sob, try to move on...) and then what do I do? never be me? Never go outside?
I don't actually know if I am strong enough to do that, but my children are everything, everything completely, so... yeah, problem times. I don't take anything here very lightly at all. It is simply how it is.
Steph.
Kia Ora Steph,
You said you'll be starting HRT soon....So give it time to work its magic... You just don't know until you try !
Steph, how you handle things is your choice and advice is just that.... 'advice'...
And the best advice I was given was "If you want my advice...Don't take my advice !" Do what you feel is right for "YOU" !
Life is full of options and opportunities...
Metta Zenda :)
Some nice advice on Catherine's thread as well
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,136863.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,136863.0.html)
Ultimately we walk our own path. We can only discuss the steps.
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 03, 2013, 07:54:54 PM
Consider smiling at them. I find that helps, when someone is staring. I smile back and try to show them the human inside.
That happens exactly the other way around to me.
Sometimes I just sense a man/boy is looking at me and when I notice that and look in his face...to see what's going on....he gives me a big, wide, radiating smile.
I invariably return that big, wide smile with a puzzled look on my face
not smiling in return, always wondering if that big, wide, radiating smile is meant as some kind of reassurement.
It's something completely different from women/girls passersby who sometimes smile at me...and I honestly wonder why.
Hey, Steph,
I just want to say that I think you're doing a wonderful thing by being yourself and allowing your children to witness it.
I remember when my children were quite small and I wasn't yet out, but a little girl asked me (at the door to the classroom, as they were being let out of school) "are you Noah's Mom, or his Dad?" She asked in complete innocence, of course, but it still made me stop and wonder if my presentation could affect them in ways I hadn't yet considered. About a year later Noah insisted, "Mom, you can just go into the men's room with me, noone's going to know the difference!" (And he was right, of course)
Out of the mouths of babes, right?
You're always going to wonder if you're doing the right thing as a parent. All that really matters in the end is: were you honest? And from what you've said, you have been, and your children are all the better for it. I think that one of the proudest moments in my life was when my eleven year old stood up to a kid on his baseball team, who was jeering at a kid that he perceived to be gay, and said, "so what if he is? Romeo and Juliet were told they weren't supposed to be together, it's no different."
While his logic may not have been a hundred percent, he knew enough to stand up to the bully, and that's how I know that I've raised something special. I don't see your children being any worse off for the experience. As long as you're strong, they will be.
Thanks for the advice :-)
Yes, I know it's just advice and I have to make my own mind up. At the same time other people's thoughts help us to examine our own position and formulate our opinions and it was that I wanted.
I don't think there is a lot more to be said and so I suppose it's make my mind up time and I think I have, so thanks for your help :-)
Steph :-)
X