So, I am not sure if I can put my thoughts into the proper words, but I shall try!
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene? It sounds like a harsh question, and it is in a way, and really reflects my very low self esteem.
Needless to say, I feel like this. Why? Mainly because I'm trans, and will never be a fully functional male. On top of that I'll be a very short guy. Of course, this does not mean that I am per default less. But when it comes to love, to me, it does feel like it.
Cis people already have a hard time finding that one and only person, right? It's all about filters. You have this huge pool of single people, potential mates. Then the first filter applies: Do you like men or women? Second filter applies: what do you like personality wise? Another filter: What are you attracted to. All these filters add up. One of the biggest and hardest filters is of course that the person likes you back, both physically and mentally.
And the latter is where I struggle. I got a feeling it is already very hard to find that one person. But for trans people, we have an extra, very large filter. Being trans. Not a lot of people are cool with that and this makes it extra hard to find someone. This is why I got the feeling that when I would finally find someone who accepts that and likes me, I do not have the right to be picky and 'grab' what is offered to me.
But seeing that I already failed to fall in love with someone when I was in girly mode, I see this as rather impossible. Apparently, I am too picky for my own good. I had some guys like me, but I never liked them back. Now, when I transition, very few guys will like me and the chance someone does and I like that person back just seems non existent to me.
So yeah...I am feeling very blue about my chances to find true love. I know its all about finding that one person and there is someone out there for everybody, but to me it just seems impossible and improbable that I find this person.
Especially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.
Anyone else feels like this? Sorry if this topic has been discussed before, and also sorry for the semi-rant.
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
So, I am not sure if I can put my thoughts into the proper words, but I shall try!
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene? It sounds like a harsh question, and it is in a way, and really reflects my very low self esteem.
I don't feel that way. I mean, I may end up settling for less than true love for the time being, but they've still got to be hot (to me anyway). I do regret that it's more difficult to have casual, random type sex though.
But I'm probably older than you and have already had successful relationships, true love and all that. If I fall in love again, it'll just be icing on the cake. I think most widowers (which I pretty much am, if not legally) feel similarly. I already had to face the fact I may never really love anyone again. I'm just now starting to feel ready for something again. And I'm not at all worried about being picky or anything. I've always been pretty confident in this area, so don't see why that should change now.
I totally get why some people just need a certain organ attached to their partner and if they're looking for that, they're not looking for me.
QuoteEspecially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.
I have a pre-op mtf friend doing the same as your brother only with girls. Most the girls had never dated a trans woman before. A dating site is a good way to go because you can disclose to potential dates and if they're not interested, no big deal. Plenty of others will be.
Yeah, it's harder as a trans person. But plenty of cis people get turned down for reasons beyond their control like height, weight, looks, religion, etc. No matter what strikes are against you, you can always work on making yourself a better catch. Work on being happy with yourself. Confidence always helps.
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
Especially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.
Anyone else feels like this? Sorry if this topic has been discussed before, and also sorry for the semi-rant.
My brother is very much the same type.
I used to be very jelous of him, His goodlooking, more tain, taller, has a fine job, and used to be a big womenizer who could get pretty much every pretty girl and very popular and outgoing around the city.
I don't feel that jelous of him anymore as I used to do, because I feel me and my brother are 2 very diffrent people in diffrent states in our life, so we can't really be compared because we know diffrent people and have diffrent talents and difficult parts.
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I doubt that dating people every week seams as a good thing. For getting laid it might be good, but if we talk "true love" dating another one every second week sound not to be someone who have the best luck.
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I dont think transgenders have less right to be picky, than cisgender, however being picky isnt really a good thing so I dont think its something to be longing for. I would prefern being sceptical, so if it dosent feels right its not right, I dont think anyone is perfect, and I dont belive the "true love" nessesarry is 1 person who last forever in the life, But I belive if you find someone then they will have there up and down, if your too picky to long after the "perfect person" you will look forever, but if you just look for someone who feels right, and worth then you pretty much found what you looking for.
I think from the "outside" transgenders may seem harder in a way, because people usunally are scared of whats diffrent, and transgender people are often also scared of the reaction. I must admit I been rejected by people for being transgender, however those people hardly knew me, For people who know me as a person being transgender generally isnt that much of a deal, in a way it might even be a positive thing because it open up for some deep topics who is good to discuss and can bring people closer, insteed of this akward sillence.
I will say I feel pretty much the same way. Wondering if the love thing will ever happen. I am older and have always been interested in finding someone that is mtf. Thinking we have the trans thing in common so let's see what else we have in common. Not looking to put mtf's in a box here, but the one's I have dealt with keep telling me I am too masculine. They all say, "you are such a nice guy, wish you were more feminine." Huh???
Quote from: mowdan6 on May 11, 2013, 03:29:32 PM
I will say I feel pretty much the same way. Wondering if the love thing will ever happen. I am older and have always been interested in finding someone that is mtf. Thinking we have the trans thing in common so let's see what else we have in common. Not looking to put mtf's in a box here, but the one's I have dealt with keep telling me I am too masculine. They all say, "you are such a nice guy, wish you were more feminine." Huh???
Odd. I'd wonder if those ladies you're talking about are lesbian and/or interested in ftms because of our perceived feminine attributes.
I do know a lot of great mtf ladies. But as I mentioned, they always tell me I am too masculine for them. And not sure how masculine or feminine we are perceived to be. For myself, yea, I know. I am masculine. I have always been very upfront with that. And I do find that the mtf's I know want a more feminine person. Guess that is something I don't understand. If you are looking for a feminine person, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?
Being picky usually pertains to someone's attractiveness more than their personality. I think there are people we're compatible with and those we're not. That is regardless of the physical attributes of an individual. The most "picky" people I have known are generally single more often than those who judge potential mates based on personality compatibility instead of if they think the person is hot or not. I'm not suggesting anyone date an ogre but I am suggesting that people look beyond their preconceived notions of what their partner should be.
Nobody wants to end up with someone who is a bad person morally and being trans doesn't mean that you're any more likely to end up with a mentally unstable person anymore than a cis person. Do be prepared that there are cis people who may love you in every way until they find out your trans history (which is impossible to hide in most instances and especially so pre op). That's ok though. It doesn't make them bad people if they don't want a trans partner. There are plenty of reasons that someone doesn't want to date someone but being trans is high on that list for a lot of people. It's just something we live with.
From personal experience I can tell you that looks aren't everything and they eventually fade. Finding someone who your heart is attracted to is far more important. Yeah, Yeah, I know I sound extremely sappy and cliche' but it's true. I've dated some stereotypically beautiful women who were rotten to the core and not so beautiful girls with a heart of gold. I'd much rather have a plain Jane with a heart of gold.
Quote from: mowdan6 on May 11, 2013, 03:54:49 PM
If you are looking for a feminine person, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?
Well, feminine ftm's seem to be more out and in the open these days. The sensitive types who are in touch with their feminine side that they carried over from being FAAB. I think a lot of women think that all transguys are more sensitive than cis men.
No, I'm not saying that trans masculine men are jerks or whatever (Being masculine has nothing to do with being a butthole). My gf can tell you that I am very masculine but I also treat her well. I may be wrong but mtf's (or even lesbians who will date transguys) who only want a feminine transguy may have issues with masculinity based on how they were treated in the past by a masculine cis male.
Just my take on it.
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
So, I am not sure if I can put my thoughts into the proper words, but I shall try!
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene? It sounds like a harsh question, and it is in a way, and really reflects my very low self esteem.
Needless to say, I feel like this. Why? Mainly because I'm trans, and will never be a fully functional male. On top of that I'll be a very short guy. Of course, this does not mean that I am per default less. But when it comes to love, to me, it does feel like it.
Cis people already have a hard time finding that one and only person, right? It's all about filters. You have this huge pool of single people, potential mates. Then the first filter applies: Do you like men or women? Second filter applies: what do you like personality wise? Another filter: What are you attracted to. All these filters add up. One of the biggest and hardest filters is of course that the person likes you back, both physically and mentally.
And the latter is where I struggle. I got a feeling it is already very hard to find that one person. But for trans people, we have an extra, very large filter. Being trans. Not a lot of people are cool with that and this makes it extra hard to find someone. This is why I got the feeling that when I would finally find someone who accepts that and likes me, I do not have the right to be picky and 'grab' what is offered to me.
But seeing that I already failed to fall in love with someone when I was in girly mode, I see this as rather impossible. Apparently, I am too picky for my own good. I had some guys like me, but I never liked them back. Now, when I transition, very few guys will like me and the chance someone does and I like that person back just seems non existent to me.
So yeah...I am feeling very blue about my chances to find true love. I know its all about finding that one person and there is someone out there for everybody, but to me it just seems impossible and improbable that I find this person.
Especially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.
Anyone else feels like this? Sorry if this topic has been discussed before, and also sorry for the semi-rant.
This is how I exactly feel. I'm pretty much a "take whoever you can get" type of person. Sometimes I think if I even were to find someone then automatically every future argument we have I will just let them win because they didn't have to be with me. I've done this in the past with people I've dated online. Yeah, talk about low-self esteem. On top of being trans, I do have a lot of other undersirable factors both physically and mentally. I'm pretty much a hot mess. It sucks knowing I will never be 100 percent biological male though. Stupid x sperm, why did
I have to be the winner?
Heck even when I identifid as cis, I had an extremely hard time finding someone.
I would like to find a woman and eventually marry but for now, I just do the
not so healthy thing. I repress those feelings and pretend like they don't bother me until I can get at least halfway into my transition.
At least playing video games will help me forget.
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene?
I made a lot of mistakes settling with people in the past. Never again. If I don't want to date someone, I don't. I would rather be single than be with someone I don't want to be with.
We all have the right to be as picky as we want to. Yeah, it does affect our chances of getting a date, but how picky you are can depend on your priorities. What is most important to you in a relationship? How important is it to you to have a relationship?
I'd recommend building up healthy self esteem before dating since that increases your chances of attracting healthier people and having a healthier relationship.
Thanks for the replies so far, guys!
QuoteBeing picky usually pertains to someone's attractiveness more than their personality.
For me, this is not entirely true. Sure, I would like someone good looking, but I also want someone who is smart and well educated. Yup, told you....picky.
QuoteAt least playing video games will help me forget.
Funny how I do exactly the same!
QuoteI would rather be single than be with someone I don't want to be with.
As much as I agree with you on this, I do feel like I'm missing out. All my friends are hooking up, or at least have had long term relationships. Not me. I never had someone to share my life with. I have always been alone. Being alone has its upsides, but to never experience a significant other just feels...empty to me. It's an experience I really miss right now.
I am hoping that I will feel better when I finally transitioned and look like a guy. Maybe I can not be open about my trans status right away then, and try to find a nice guy and tell him later. But right now, I don't see this happening anytime soon, and I'm not getting any younger.
Quote from: Malachite on May 11, 2013, 04:21:42 PM
This is how I exactly feel. I'm pretty much a "take whoever you can get" type of person. Sometimes I think if I even were to find someone then automatically every future argument we have I will just let them win because they didn't have to be with me.
This post made me really sad, Malachite. :(
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 04:31:18 PM
Thanks for the replies so far, guys!
For me, this is not entirely true. Sure, I would like someone good looking, but I also want someone who is smart and well educated. Yup, told you....picky.
Are you smart and well educated?
A lot of the time people are attracted to like minded and driven individuals.
Remember, just because you get with someone who isn't currently educated that can always change. As long as the person has goals and aspires to better themselves. I'm experiencing that in my own life. My gf has one year of College left and I'm just entering College this Fall. When we first started dating we were both High School dropouts. Things can change and if you really like someone I'd give them a chance regardless of their educational background.
Quote from: Simon on May 11, 2013, 04:40:35 PM
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 04:31:18 PM
Thanks for the replies so far, guys!
For me, this is not entirely true. Sure, I would like someone good looking, but I also want someone who is smart and well educated. Yup, told you....picky.
Are you smart and well educated?
A lot of the time people are attracted to like minded and driven individuals.
Remember, just because you get with someone who isn't currently educated that can always change. As long as the person has goals and aspires to better themselves. I'm experiencing that in my own life. My gf has one year of College left and I'm just entering College this Fall. When we first started dating we were both High School dropouts. Things can change and if you really like someone I'd give them a chance regardless of their educational background.
This. You never know about people.
Quite true. Perhaps it is more about potential and motivation. And yes, I have been told I am smart, and I am about to finish a Master of science degree, so I think I am rather well educated.
I think I am looking too much at my brother. I want to be able to do what he is doing. He can 'test and taste' the market, so to say. And no, I am not talking about sex. He can date and get to know many guys, and then see if he likes someone. He can do that because people give him that chance. They want to go on dates with him, after all. I am not even given that first chance, and probably never will. That's probably why I feel like some others here: When someone finally shows interest, I have to put my preferences aside and take what I can get, unless the person would be an utter jerk.
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 04:51:51 PM
Quite true. Perhaps it is more about potential and motivation. And yes, I have been told I am smart, and I am about to finish a Master of science degree, so I think I am rather well educated.
I think I am looking too much at my brother. I want to be able to do what he is doing. He can 'test and taste' the market, so to say. And no, I am not talking about sex. He can date and get to know many guys, and then see if he likes someone. He can do that because people give him that chance. They want to go on dates with him, after all. I am not even given that first chance, and probably never will. That's probably why I feel like some others here: When someone finally shows interest, I have to put my preferences aside and take what I can get, unless the person would be an utter jerk.
Are you already putting yourself out there and finding this or are you just afraid this will happen? I'm not up on your situation so, when you mean you don't even get a first chance, are you transitioned/passing yet?
Yes of course people are picky, that's why they're dating and on dating sites to begin with.
The problem is of course is that a bad date or an experience causes them to apply more filters and to end up even pickier so that eventually nobody gets through the filters, beyond a couple of dates, and no meaningful relationship ever gets developed.
Another problem is that if some of these people on these dating sites applied their filters to themselves they'd fall way short of expectations.
Then if it's gay dating you also have the issues of 'real' and 'fake', voice verification, heterosexual couples trolling for a third, and a few people looking for someone who they can be dysfunctional with.
Sometimes you run across people who claim to be divorced and you wonder whether it's from reality.
Bottom line is usually you only ever need one person to be in a relationship with, and if you've reached that stage then the filters don't really matter.
I've reached the stage in life where I'm okay alone and have a handful of friends who make life a bit more meaningful and enjoyable.
I am pre everything, but I am being seen as a guy more often now.
And I have tried a dating site, being honest about my trans status (that I was FtM, not how far along I was) and I got zero reactions. I could see a lot of gay guys checking out my profile (about 30 guys a week) but none of them sent even a friendly message. I got a feeling they read the profile, then get to the trans part and move on. So you could say that the not being given a chance thing is already happening.
Did you post a pic? I hear no-pic profiles don't get responses.
Other than that, if you pass well enough maybe withhold the trans info for a bit. I think there are a lot of people out there who have never considered dating a trans person and think they never would but might change their mind if they already liked the person.
For instance, I prefer brunettes. I'd probably overlook a profile of a blonde because that's not what I'm looking for. But if I met a really nice girl who happened to be blonde, I might change my mind.
I will also say that I have tried all the trans dating web sites. And any mtf that I have contacted...get the same thing...."I want someone more feminine," Well, if that is what you want, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?
Quote from: mowdan6 on May 11, 2013, 05:31:42 PM
I will also say that I have tried all the trans dating web sites. And any mtf that I have contacted...get the same thing...."I want someone more feminine," Well, if that is what you want, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?
You seem to be saying that FTMs are uniformly very masculine, and that's just not the case. One of my best buds is a pretty femme FTM. He's so femme that I sometimes have a hard time hanging out with him. Sounds like these MTFs would have a field day with him!
Hi Arch. That is not what I am saying. I am saying I have always been upfront with any mtf I have talked to. We start having this great communication and then they lay on me the 'too masculine' thing. I know we are all different with different interests. I just happen to be a very masculine ftm that would like to find someone that is mtf that appreciates that. and that is hard to find.
Maybe its some kind of dyshoria for pretending to be a man too long?
abit like transpeople who dont want to date other transpeople because it reminds them on themself and there own problems as being transgender.
When I was early in transition, a fellow trans person told me that I might have to "lower my standards" if my then-current relationship died (which it did). I was told that much older gay men and disabled gay men might be good targets. I think this person meant well--and meant something else--but I was pretty offended. So I should shoot for the paraplegic guy because he'll be so desperate that he'll settle for a d***less wonder, and I'm so undesirable that an able-bodied gay man would never want me? (Sadly, the latter seems to be fairly close to the truth, but it's not, ahem, a hard and fast rule).
I did decide to broaden my horizons. I figure that if I did become interested in a relationship again, I should keep my options open and not limit myself to the usual skinny geeks of about my own age. The problem is that I never targeted skinny geeks; the relationships usually just happened. And, I can't help it, but I'm still not attracted to heavier guys or men who are fifteen or twenty years older than I am. Beyond that, I'm also limited by my olfactory sense. I still have a (predominantly or exclusively female) program that renders a man completely ineligible if he doesn't smell compatible. And in four and a half years, I've never run into a confirmed gay man who smelled compatible. I was hoping that T would blunt my sense of smell or disable this way of screening mates, but that hasn't happened. Sucks.
Arch, that pretty much describes how I feel. I also don't want to settle for someone who's not compatible with me, but it feels like I'll have to when given the rare chance. But I don't think I could be with anyone who's more than seven years older than me, so it just won't happen.
Quote(Sadly, the latter seems to be fairly close to the truth, but it's not, ahem, a hard and fast rule).
Maybe not a hard rule, but it does make it very, very complicated and hard to find someone. Ah well....Some people are meant to stay alone, I guess. My brother can have all the fun while I watch at the side lines of the dating and love game.
In any case, thank you all for your replies. It is both sad and reassuring that I am not the only one who is blue about this. Just another unfair aspect of being trans, I guess.
In the end, it all comes down to self-confidence. Having that, you can achieve ANYTHING. Fear, anxiety, over-thinking and over-analysing things all the time does not lead to success.. In order to make it happen, you must be open to it. And if you are phobic or anxious, you can't be open..
I have said before here that I am a straight girl, and I fell in love with my boyfriend and all his manly qualities (in his personality and not only). He is pre-T and quite feminine looking. To cheer you up, I am 5.8' and he is 5.3' :P We are quite a couple huh? Everything is possible. I hope I raised your hopes! It's all in you.
Quote from: Mr.X on May 12, 2013, 05:00:03 AM
Some people are meant to stay alone, I guess. My brother can have all the fun while I watch at the side lines of the dating and love game.
Well, just don't go around thinking that you're doomed. That's unattractive to most people. Just take it as it comes and have faith that somewhere out there is a good mate for you.
With that said, I was with some of my friends many months ago, and I said something to the effect that I didn't really expect to be in a relationship again, so I wasn't holding my breath. One of the guys told me that this was why I wasn't getting any interest--because of my negative attitude.
Boy, I could have answered him in so many ways. First, I have had interested parties, but I haven't pursued them. Second, I don't want a relationship right now, not before bottom surgery. Even if the attractions had been mutual, I would have had to deal with the anatomy situation. And anyway, I'm working on my career now. If I can get stable, long-term employment, then I can have bottom surgery. THEN maybe I can think about relationships.
He assumed that I was actively looking for men and not having any luck because I had a negative attitude. But he also didn't know that I'm trans. Stealth can certainly make things complicated.
Boy, this thread is depressing me. :'(
I've gotta say with all honesty, this is one of the main reasons I have doubts on transitioning. I haven't even dated many guys (or girls) as a female yet; I'm just picky. So, if I'm picky, and then end up meeting someone I actually like who's picky about my transition, that puts me back at square one. :/ And I HAVE considered MtF's, but, honestly, most of the ones I know in person aren't passable enough for me, or their personality is far too annoying. Obviously not to say all of them are, not at all, but...the ones near me tend to be more so than anything else. Maybe I'll have more faith in the process once I meet one that I can click with more, but until them, I'm left doubtful.
I also fear meeting the "right" guy and getting heartbroken because of something like this. I met a guy a few months ago, totally wouldn't have thought he was my type, but even though I've only hung out with him twice, I can't stop thinking about him. My heart literally skips a beat when he crosses my mind. I'm back with my old boyfriend now (he doesn't know my trans thoughts yet), but I can't stop thinking about this guy, no matter how guilty I feel about it. I used to love my boyfriend's truck, but after taking a ride in this other guy's truck, I get nothing but disappointed when I see his F-150 now. If I can get this heartbroken over a guy I would have thought I had a chance with, what will it be like when I know I don't have a chance from the start?
I'm just so afraid of despising myself more than I already do if I chose to possibly give up on love. I'm not a big sucker for Valentine's Day or any of that cheesy crap, but once you've found someone who lifts your heart up off the ground, it's hard to settle for anything less than that feeling. And I wasn't one to settle to begin with.
Quote from: D0LL on May 12, 2013, 08:02:09 PM
I've gotta say with all honesty, this is one of the main reasons I have doubts on transitioning.
When I decided to transition it had nothing to do with who will possibly love me. It didn't have to do with social standing, male privilege, or what anyone else thought. I did it for myself. I did it because if I didn't...I didn't see a future for myself except the grave.
If you have a lot of doubts about transitioning, don't. I'm not talking about normal "how am I going to get this done" sort of fears. What I am saying is if every fiber in your being isn't screaming at you that your body is wrong then you may very well be able to live in the gender you were assigned to at birth or explore gender neutral ground.
Some may get mad when I say this but I don't care. If you are not 100% sure about medical transition and able to deal with the repercussions of doing so if you change your mind down the road then by all means wait.
Quote from: Simon on May 12, 2013, 08:32:17 PM
When I decided to transition it had nothing to do with who will possibly love me. It didn't have to do with social standing, male privilege, or what anyone else thought. I did it for myself. I did it because if I didn't...I didn't see a future for myself except the grave.
Yes. Yes. YES. This is exactly how I felt. I was in a relationship, I knew it might go south, the main reason I'd held out so long was my relationship...and then things got so bad that I just couldn't go on like that anymore. I transitioned to save my life.
Quote from: Simon on May 12, 2013, 08:32:17 PM
Some may get mad when I say this but I don't care. If you are not 100% sure about medical transition and able to deal with the repercussions of doing so if you change your mind down the road then by all means wait.
I think this is pretty sensible advice, but I would allow for some doubt. Some people get to a certain point and just have to do it, despite a few little nagging doubts at the back of their mind. I think it's usually fear, though--fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loss, and so forth.
I didn't have any doubt that I needed to transition and that I would transition, but I had fears about what was ahead of me. And, frankly, I resented feeling that I didn't have any choice. I was backed into a corner, and I don't like that feeling. So I felt as if I had doubts, but they were only fears.
Quote from: Arch on May 12, 2013, 10:42:24 PM
I think this is pretty sensible advice, but I would allow for some doubt. Some people get to a certain point and just have to do it, despite a few little nagging doubts at the back of their mind. I think it's usually fear, though--fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loss, and so forth.
I didn't have any doubt that I needed to transition and that I would transition, but I had fears about what was ahead of me. And, frankly, I resented feeling that I didn't have any choice. I was backed into a corner, and I don't like that feeling. So I felt as if I had doubts, but they were only fears.
I think you're right more than anything.
Because I don't doubt that I hate this body. I don't doubt that I'd MUCH rather be a different gender.
Rather, I
fear that I won't be able to find love. I fear the transitioning process. I fear I'll hate my body more once I start transitioning.
But I'm stronger than fear. After the night I had with my boy, I now realize that. :3
Fear is what got me feminizing, trying to cloak my real body. And what a damn mess that turned out to be. So I'm no longer going to give in to fear. I'm going to speak for myself, and not for anyone else.
The only real fear that drives me at this point is the fear that I'm going to do something drastic to myself if I don't change. And that's fear I'm willing to give in to. ;)
Quote from: D0LL on May 13, 2013, 01:24:41 AM
I think you're right more than anything.
Because I don't doubt that I hate this body. I don't doubt that I'd MUCH rather be a different gender.
Rather, I fear that I won't be able to find love. I fear the transitioning process. I fear I'll hate my body more once I start transitioning.
The only real fear that drives me at this point is the fear that I'm going to do something drastic to myself if I don't change. And that's fear I'm willing to give in to. ;)
I understand where you're coming from. Those are all rational fears.
Change is always scary and changing your shell to reflect your inner self can be hard. For myself, the changing physically wasn't what was/is hard. It's the reactions of others. When someone medically transitions they find out who their real family is. Those who will stand with you regardless and sometimes it's not who is bound to you by blood.
Transition is hard but it's also very rewarding. When the day comes that you feel self assured and proud of who you have become you'll look back and realize that it has all been worth it. Every bit of it.
Best of luck with your journey and (as I'm sure you realize) everyone here will be around to help, celebrate, and empathize as much as possible. :)
I have been around this ol' world an awfully long time and LOVE is one of the toughest subjects for anybody but more so if you have a trans background!
I had SRS in 1974 for myself, to be myself - no choice - it was either transition or die. Being predominately straight, I didn't tell guys at first. When I was just having a good time and playing the field, they didn't need to know. Later, when I was looking for a relationship, I would be more open and almost invariably they would disappear. One stayed, for 13 years, but in the end I just couldn't settle for less than what I wanted/needed. With men, if he knew about my childhood, there was always the question "How does he see me?" and that mattered to me. I KNOW that cis men (or at least most of them) just don't get it and telling them usually changes the relationship (even if they don't run away).
The great love of my life turned out to be a woman but we both considered ourselves straight and I lost her to a brain tumour before we even figured out what it all meant.
I didn't date for a long time after losing my great love and returning to the dating scene at almost 60 was tough! In general, I think more men are understanding but I do not think or act my age so men of my generation just can't keep up with me and I have no interest in "slowing down".
Very recently, out of loneliness, I tried to settle but I just CAN'T DO IT! He loves me passionately but I do not have any feelings for him so I am going to end up breaking his heart. :-\
Love is tough for anybody but even harder if you have a "non-standard history". I sort of hoped that one day I would run across a FtM that tickled my fancy but it never happened. At least with an FtM you would KNOW that they understood and you would know how they saw you!
Good luck to all of you who are seeking love!
Quote from: Northern Jane on May 13, 2013, 07:17:15 AM
I didn't date for a long time after losing my great love
Glad I'm not alone in this. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me waiting so long.
Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 04:31:18 PM
As much as I agree with you on this, I do feel like I'm missing out. All my friends are hooking up, or at least have had long term relationships. Not me. I never had someone to share my life with.
QuoteI do regret that it's more difficult to have casual, random type sex though.
Yep.. I really don't want to be in a relationship at this point in my life, I'm trying to finish up college and have some sense of financial security, as well as gain some experience for grad school. But I have been feeling like I'm missing out since high school, really, because I have never so much as kissed anyone. I went through high school and the beginning of college as female, mainly because I wasn't sure how my family would deal with me telling them about being trans, the financing for hormones if they were to agree to it, etc. I was also kind of in denial about the whole thing because I had such severe dysphoria at the time I felt like T would be kind of a lost cause for me anyway (I tend to be an all-or-nothing type in general.) I've had a couple guys interested in me during that time, but ended up turning them down and (at least one of those times) telling them about being trans, because I knew I wasn't attracted to guys at all and it weirded me out to the point I had to be completely honest about it, LOL.
So I am more interested in the casual dating/sex thing, which seems far more difficult (I'd think it's typically the other way around for most of civilization, so that doesn't help much either ::) ), so yeah, I totally feel like I am missing out and it's getting worse since being in college so long (it's gonna take me like 6 years to graduate, probably, with all the medical issues I've had even aside from/running parallel to transitioning.) I'm tired of putting all of my life into academics when I don't even know how to live my own life.
:(
It messes with my mind too because I generally get along better with women but then I don't want to ruin friendships with sex (hence the focus on finding that elsewhere.) Especially when I'm so good at compartmentalizing different people in my life :P But then there is this aspect of it that's so difficult just because of being trans and my history (or lack thereof, haha.) And also because I identify as straight and most women I end up being attracted to are straight.
I'm thinking I might just go scouring dating sites over the summer (hopefully I will also be working so maybe that'd be good social leverage too), like someone suggested earlier so that I can be more open about things, to see if I can address my situation, lol.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on May 13, 2013, 07:49:07 AM
Glad I'm not alone in this. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me waiting so long.
My relationship officially ended in May 2009. It's been four years since I was with anyone. If someone came along who excited a mutual attraction, I wouldn't know what to do with him. I think this is pretty normal for people like us. Or if not normal, at least typical. :laugh:
In dating we all have preferences, sure. But we want someone to accept us for who we are (heck, everybody does!), we also should be more accepting of other people. Everybody has flaws. Does everyone have to have 6 pack abs? Be thin? have an awesome sense of humor? I don't think we have to settle for less than someone who makes us happy, but it helps if we also can look past an imperfect wrapper.
I'm getting to the point where I just have to own the fact that I have an alternate history, and not apologize for it, and not feel rejected if someone can't get past it.
I recently had a great time with someone and was dumped the next day because of my body and history. I can't take it personally. He just as well may have dumped me for being too short, not buff enough, or having a small penis. Some people are very superficial, and I should be thankful I found that out earlier rather than later.
I'm trying to develop a thicker skin and realize that not everyone will accept me. That is their prerogative. I'm trying not to get too excited if someone expresses interest, and to have the expectation that it is more likely they won't be into me than they will, and allow myself to be pleasantly surprised if they accept me.
Having a positive attitude and a good sense of humor about it goes a long way. Love yourself and don't apologize for who you are. We can't change our history, but we don't have to be dragged down by it.
Jay