Being single and a little bit prone to partying, this has happened to me a few times now, I'm of the opinion that i dont pass so, this surprises me somewhat. how are you supposed to know if people know?
I think the only way you can be certain they know is if you were to tell them. Honestly, if you are living full time as a woman and have gone through SRS, it is very likely that many people don't know or suspect anything.
If you don't want to tell them before being intimate, that is absolutely your right as no one has to know your private medical information. However, I personally could not avoid telling someone if I was going to sleep with them. While I am not at that point yet, I would feel the need to disclose it to any partner that I might become serious with. I think it makes things better in so many different ways and I couldn't go forward otherwise. Besides, it also might be safer because some guys might freak out if they were to find out afterwards.
You could try to "drop a hint" if you felt the need. It's likely that if they know, they'll pick up on the hint. As Learningtolive said, it's completely up to you whether or not you tell them yourself.
Personally, however, I wouldn't even think of sleeping with someone who had a problem with trans folk.
Quote from: Lucid on May 21, 2013, 01:09:03 AM
Personally, however, I wouldn't even think of sleeping with someone who had a problem with trans folk.
^This!
Sometimes, I allow myself to make the mistake of worrying whether people will accept me or not. Then, I immediately realize I wouldn't want to be friends with bigots, anyway.
Quote from: Isabelle on May 20, 2013, 10:06:36 PM
Being single and a little bit prone to partying, this has happened to me a few times now, I'm of the opinion that i dont pass so, this surprises me somewhat. how are you supposed to know if people know?
Your premise is badly flawed!
I have no compunction about not telling before sex. I know a lot of people think we should or think we are obligated to disclose. I used to think this myself too once, but now a decade after transition I never tell anyone anymore. In fact I feel very uncomfortable being around people that know unless they are close family or the closest of friends.
It's not necessarily super bad that a potential partner knows, but it's often super annoying when they do. Even though a lot of people are okay with it once those panties come off they often tend to mistake my genitalia for the most mysterious artifact ever to be on display at the Ripley's Believe It or Not! museum. I hate that. Having sex with people that don't know feels much better to me because they don't say or do any of the stupid things those who knows tend to say/do, and I get enjoy the experience without being weirded out by a poking and prodding amateur gynecologist with a mystified expression on his face.
I've dated quite a few guys that didn't know I was trans... but I've never gotten in to bed with any man or women that didn't know my history upfront. Doing otherwise could result in a very negative outcome. I always waited until the third date, or sooner, if I thought things were going in to the romantic realm.
Even after GRS I don't think I could sleep with someone who doesn't know about me. The whole experience would be more stressful than anything because contrary to popular belief you can actually tell a neo vagina from a natal one... However, since girls are more accepting and less bigoted than men since they are less insecure I could potentially refrain from telling it to her if things escalate fast enough. If I was into guys though I would NEVER sleep with a man who doesn't know it's much too dangerous since men are much more impulsive and violent.
Quote from: MariaMx on May 21, 2013, 11:06:11 AM
I have no compunction about not telling before sex. I know a lot of people think we should or think we are obligated to disclose. I used to think this myself too once, but now a decade after transition I never tell anyone anymore. In fact I feel very uncomfortable being around people that know unless they are close family or the closest of friends.
It's not necessarily super bad that a potential partner knows, but it's often super annoying when they do. Even though a lot of people are okay with it once those panties come off they often tend to mistake my genitalia for the most mysterious artifact ever to be on display at the Ripley's Believe It or Not! museum. I hate that. Having sex with people that don't know feels much better to me because they don't say or do any of the stupid things those who knows tend to say/do, and I get enjoy the experience without being weirded out by a poking and prodding amateur gynecologist with a mystified expression on his face.
I too don't tell anyone about mt trans status unless it needs be.....I think this is DEFINATLY one of those cases!! I wouldn't even touch or be touched without the other person knowing.
I'm taking it your not having traditional heterosexual sex...I can't imagine someone not being able to tell the difference between an anus and a vagina....I surly don't think anyone would mistake a penis for a vagina!!
Put yourself in their place!! they are with a woman that has not said she was anything other...what do they expect!! I could say the same thing if I was a lesbian and dating a woman...if it got to the point of intimacy and found out she had a penis I would like to of known this prior...even though I am much more excepting of people in this situation.
I have been on dates with men and I feel bad even going out on a date without being upfront but I want to be "or not be" judged by who I am not by what I am.
Hi Isabelle,
Quote from: Isabelle on May 20, 2013, 10:06:36 PM
.........how are you supposed to know if people know?
It is quite simple. Ask them.
" Am I the "typical girl next door type," to you, or what. How do you see me? "
My question is; why does it surprise you, that you think you
don't pass?
Be safe, well and happy
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Just Shelly on May 22, 2013, 11:02:01 AM
I'm taking it your not having traditional heterosexual sex...I can't imagine someone not being able to tell the difference between an anus and a vagina....I surly don't think anyone would mistake a penis for a vagina!!
Shelly, how are you making this presumption? MariaMx is post-op and presumably the sex
is traditional heterosexual sex.
How the OP, pre-op, gets away with this is another matter.
Quote from: Nicolette on May 22, 2013, 11:29:18 AM
Shelly, how are you making this presumption? MariaMx is post-op and presumably the sex is traditional heterosexual sex.
How the OP, pre-op, gets away with this is another matter.
I assumed both were pre-op with what information they gave!!
Why does MariaMx consider her genitals something of a mysterious artifact from Ripley's Believe it or not then. I know if I was post-op I wouldn't consider mine that!
Quote from: Just Shelly on May 22, 2013, 12:01:13 PM
Why does MariaMx consider her genitals something of a mysterious artifact from Ripley's Believe it or not then. I know if I was post-op I wouldn't consider mine that!
I believe she is referring to how someone would start looking really hard to find differences and such if they know she has a trans history before sex.
You cannot sleep with someone without them knowing you're trans as pre/non-OP... I thought It was obvious that she meant post-OP.
well....she said she thought she doesn't pass! I don't know I took it she was pre-op then!
I would think someone that is post-op would be over the point of being concerned or worried about passing.
Again I can only assume this, as can you!
I'll have what you're having. :laugh:
Quote from: Just Shelly on May 22, 2013, 12:24:06 PM
well....she said she thought she doesn't pass! I don't know I took it she was pre-op then!
It is Isabelle (OP), who is pre-op, who
thinks she may not pass.
Quote
I would think someone that is post-op would be over the point of being concerned or worried about passing.
I don't believe MariaMx, who is post-op, has too many personally worries about passing. She simply hates guys treating her as a curiosity when they are told she is a post-op transwoman. I would hate that too.
Thanks to Jamie D I'm going to give this another try.
With respect to postop's the primary issue isn't "passing," but their perceptions to self. Essentially, more often than not, If you're comfortable in your own skin, others will be as well. It's all about attitude.
Ten years ago I spent an hour with Dr. Eric Vilain, M.D., PhD, one the world's top geneticists who told me gender dysmorphia was a genetic based disorder, not unlike like heart disease. Therefore, as I'm treated for my genetic disorder with HRT, to be followed by SRS, I don't believe I'm obligated to tell casual partners about my medical history? My medical treatment history is a private matter between me and my doctor. However, should the relationship become serious, and by that I mean a live-in love relationship, or marriage, I would have the talk. Not because of some misplaced form of ethics, but in case of illness or injury.
To often in these pages I read between the lines and hear fear, pain, and in some cases, self-loathing. For me those days are my permanent past and I will no go back to that life. I didn't initiate aggressive HRT to hide. I did it to fix a genetic disorder of the brain and expect to make a full recovery...A pair of Jimmy Choo's would be nice. too!
Quote from: DrBobbi on May 22, 2013, 11:03:08 PM
Thanks to Jamie D I'm going to give this another try.
With respect to postop's the primary issue isn't "passing," but their perceptions to self. Essentially, more often than not, If you're comfortable in your own skin, others will be as well. It's all about attitude.
Ten years ago I spent an hour with Dr. Eric Vilain, M.D., PhD, one the world's top geneticists who told me gender dysmorphia was a genetic based disorder, not unlike like heart disease. Therefore, as I'm treated for my genetic disorder with HRT, to be followed by SRS, I don't believe I'm obligated to tell casual partners about my medical history? My medical treatment history is a private matter between me and my doctor. However, should the relationship become serious, and by that I mean a live-in love relationship, or marriage, I would have the talk. Not because of some misplaced form of ethics, but in case of illness or injury.
To often in these pages I read between the lines and hear fear, pain, and in some cases, self-loathing. For me those days are my permanent past and I will no go back to that life. I didn't initiate aggressive HRT to hide. I did it to fix a genetic disorder of the brain and expect to make a full recovery...A pair of Jimmy Choo's would be nice. too!
I agree with the fact that you don't have to share your medical history; however, I think you put yourself at risk if you don't. If a guy was to find out about your status after the fact, it could lead to safety issues. Let's face it, violence against trans people is not uncommon. Even if he wouldn't react violently, he may feel betrayed that you kept the information from him until that point. Most men would like to know before they get intimate and may not be accepting if you tell them afterwards. Lastly, I have no shame in who I am, but if I'm going to be intimate with someone then that means that the relationship is getting to a serious point. Personally, I feel the best relationships are ones built on trust. I can't help but feel my partner would deserve to know.
I imagine the scenarios would be a bit different in a lesbian relationship, but there would still be some of the same consequences.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 23, 2013, 12:31:54 PM
If a guy was to find out about your status after the fact, it could lead to safety issues.
Is it the problem that the guy finds out after the fact? Or is it the problem that you're sleeping with a violent guy that thinks it's ok to hurt people when he's unhappy?
Quote from: suzifrommd on May 23, 2013, 12:58:41 PM
Is it the problem that the guy finds out after the fact? Or is it the problem that you're sleeping with a violent guy that thinks it's ok to hurt people when he's unhappy?
I get your point Suzi and agree with your feelings. Still, let's not kid ourselves. There are lots of people that have reacted towards us with violence. And it's hard to know the inner thoughts of every single person until you see verbally hear there thoughts on trans people. There are plenty of seemingly nice guys who end being violent jerks. Why take the chance and put yourself at risk? Personally, I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who would be disgusted about who I am. That's why I would tell him before hand. I don't judge anyone who wants to keep it private. It's their right. I just fear it could create future problems.
I don't know how you ever know for sure if someone knows your trans before it gets to the hot and heavy stage with lots of petting. But if you're post-op and are just in it for a one-night stand, no need to tell. However, if you want a relationship, you should obviously tell beforehand and not let it get that far. Just like a cis girl would. A lot of it will depend on the quality of the vaginoplasty as well. I don't think sweeter words were ever spoken: vaginoplasty!
If you're pre-op and it gets that far and you're drunk and you need it to stop, one word: period. It'll stop. A guy still might want you to, ya know, satisfy him. With women, you don't have to worry about violence. (though it is still a possibility as most women can beat me up.) I also think they will be more understanding if it gets that far. But not always. Just in general.
For the record I am almost 8 years post-op and I pass very well. The issue of passing is a complicated one I think. It's much easier to know one is not passing than to know one is. To me it was it was a somewhat difficult to reach realization that I was in fact passing consistently. I somehow knew I was passing well but I was for the longest time skeptical and suspected everyone was just humoring me. It wasn't until medical examiner in the emergency room asked me if I knew if I was pregnant or not I knew for sure. Also it helped to sort of date a guy for a while without him finding out. Again it was the concern about pregnancy that confirmed it for me. Unfortunately he turned out to be a jerk trapped in the body of a homunculus so I dropped him like a hot potato without him ever knowing.
Getting in bed with this guy wasn't something I really planned on when it happened. It just sort of happened, and though I always thought I would be very stressed out in such a situation I found that it really wasn't all that stressful after all. In fact, I sort of went away with him on a trip and came to realize that I didn't give it much thought at all. Once you know you know, and then you stop worrying.
Going out with someone who knows is way worse than going out with someone who doesn't know. You never know what the hell they might say or do. There was this one guy I went on a few dates with. He knew, and when he invited me to dinner at his place he greeted me in the door way wearing a boa scarf, black women's tank top and pink lipstick O_O What the hell was he thinking? Did he really think I would be into that sort of thing? I'm pretty damn well sure he wouldn't have done that if he didn't know about my past. I spent the whole evening being incredible irritated by the image of the ultra gay looking man sitting across the table from me.
I've also had guys who knew and were into me tell me how they are totally okay with my past because they are secretly bi and have always fantasized about having sex with another man O_O
Dating men who knows most often end up feeling like dating as a male cross dresser rather than dating as a woman. I hate it. It's not really worth it to me anymore. I think I'd rather be without.
@MariaMx: You make a very good argument. I will never get why some guys think trans women like to have penetrative sex. Or even can. I couldn't have it if I tried. Nor would I want to. But a lot of people think we are just these sex starved creatures and it's frustrating to no end. Makes me want to become a lesbian. Well maybe not lol
Yes Joanna. That is what a lot of people think, especially guys. For some strange reason they think I like to hear about they mastubated in their sister panties or some crap like that over a candle light dinner. They think I get turned on and like hearing about this sheit.
The thing is, they don't do this sort of thing if they think you are cis. I know because non of the guys I've dated who didn't know ever said any of these things. I think dating women would have been a hell of a lot easier, but as luck would have it I've never been attracted to women so it's not really an option.
In my wilder years (mid 1970s) I never told any of the guys I slept with - I figured it was none of their business - and none were any the wiser. Later on, when I was looking for a relationship, I was more upfront about it. A lot of guys took a powder when they found out. Now, so many years later, I don't care if they know or not.
Quote from: MariaMx on May 24, 2013, 10:56:00 AM
Yes Joanna. That is what a lot of people think, especially guys. For some strange reason they think I like to hear about they mastubated in their sister panties or some crap like that over a candle light dinner. They think I get turned on and like hearing about this sheit.
The thing is, they don't do this sort of thing if they think you are cis. I know because non of the guys I've dated who didn't know ever said any of these things. I think dating women would have been a hell of a lot easier, but as luck would have it I've never been attracted to women so it's not really an option.
This X 10000000
WTF is wrong with people? Just because I'm trans I do not need nor want to hear how you were abused as a child, what sort of fetish fantasies you have, or strange places you have stuck Mr. Willy on our first (and last) date. This usually comes from the old creepers which I totally avoid now anyway. Yet another reason I don't disclose upfront. Ewwww.
Quote from: JennX on May 24, 2013, 02:54:27 PM
This X 10000000
WTF is wrong with people? Just because I'm trans I do not need nor want to hear how you were abused as a child, what sort of fetish fantasies you have, or strange places you have stuck Mr. Willy on our first (and last) date. This usually comes from the old creepers which I totally avoid now anyway. Yet another reason I don't disclose upfront. Ewwww.
Quote from: MariaMx on May 24, 2013, 10:56:00 AM
Yes Joanna. That is what a lot of people think, especially guys. For some strange reason they think I like to hear about they mastubated in their sister panties or some crap like that over a candle light dinner. They think I get turned on and like hearing about this sheit.
The thing is, they don't do this sort of thing if they think you are cis. I know because non of the guys I've dated who didn't know ever said any of these things. I think dating women would have been a hell of a lot easier, but as luck would have it I've never been attracted to women so it's not really an option.
Oh come on. Who doesn't find it sexy to know that the guy they're dating likes to masturbate in their sister's panties or all their fetishes? Call me a romantic, but it isn't a good first date without that.
Seriously though, I think it's a matter of when you disclose it. If you tell them before you start dating, you may get some interesting guys. However, if you tell someone after getting to know him, it might work out well. I know girls who have found that strategy to work.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 24, 2013, 03:14:19 PM
If you tell them before you start dating, you may get some interesting guys.
If your definition of "interesting" includes: pervs, weirdos, ->-bleeped-<-s, creepers, crossdressers, eat-me-beat-me guys, guys in to extreme watersports (I'm not talking white water rafting either), human raw sewage dumps, guys in to furry costumes, baby behavior, and fun stuff with animals (well not for the animal)... you might find someone that meets your definition of "interesting". Been there, done that. Never, ever, again.
Even when I was pre-op I never disclosed until the third date... and that was only after I made sure they were worth the effort. Few made it that far. The majority of the ones that did stuck around though. So I had to be doing something right I guess?
In the UK they just charged and sentenced a FTM trans guy for not disclosing up front that he was trans. He didn't even have penetrative sex as he is pre op I believe. I am pretty sure about that. I think it was over a kiss, but it could have been a bit more.
Scary.
While I would not want to in any way attempt to excuse the behaviour of the legal system, which in the case I think you are referring to (involving a trans man in a long-term relationship), is utterly incomprehensible; I feel I ought to point out that it was a Scottish court. Scotland retained a degree of judicial independence during the act of union (England needed a King, Scotland had an acceptable one spare) which means the legal system is a bit different north of the border.
What surprised me most about this is that the Scottish care pathway for trans folk is so much better than the rest of the UK but the conviction for fraud still stood.
Rosie.