It has become more and more apparent to me that I need to transition. For a while now, my dysphoria has come back 10 fold, and my outlook on life has been bleak, to say the least. I find it difficult to look at my body, and have begun to go all "Grizzly Adams". I have finally decided to move forward, but then I find myself in darkness. First of all, my girlfriend... I don't know how to come out to her, or if I even should. I feel that we have been moving apart recently and I think she is getting mad at me for going such long periods without even touching her, let alone my "bf duties". It would be so much easier for me to transition if we weren't together, and I feel like such a horrible person for leading her on. She used to live with a FtM, and they were best friends for a long time.
My brother has been on the depression fence for several years now, and we are all afraid that he might hurt himself one day... I don't know how I will handle losing another one of my brother, especially in the same manner. My family does have a lot of background with mental illnesses, and I somewhat contribute my problems to that. I, too, have been on the depression fence since I was 13 years old. I lost my older brother and I felt like I lost my hero.
I moved in with my dad after my brother passed away, and I remember sitting in my bed and wishing I could wake up as a girl. I wished every night that I would wake up in a new life, that I could be in the body I wanted, the body I needed. I wished every night for several weeks, each night believing that one day it will happen... I didn't even know at the time that there were such things as a trans person, let alone the process it would have taken to achieve that goal. To think, if I knew then what I know now, I have a strong belief I would have done everything in my power to make it come true.
One night while I was sitting in bed, wishing to be a girl, I started thinking to myself, "Why and when exactly did I know I want to be a girl?"
I guess my earliest recollection of the thought was when I was very young, maybe 5 or 6. I remember I was at the mall with my mother, and I was doing my own thing in the cart. As she was pushing me around she turns to me, and as crystal as day I remember her asking me, "Don't you ever wish you were a little girl instead of a little boy?" I don't remember my answer or what happened after that, but I guess that planted a seed in my head that festered for several years. Was I showing signs? I don't know, but what I do know is that it has been in my head for a long time, although not always in the from of my mind.
I asked my mom several years ago if she was expecting me to be a girl... She said that everyone thought I was going to be a girl. That they were so sure about it, they had a girl baby shower. (My family didn't see doctors, so they wouldn't have found out my gender)
So, I am sitting here thinking of the times I would lay in my bed, wishing I was a girl. Even thinking about it made me so happy. I would have dreams of me being a girl, and I would wake up and be angry that I wasn't. I truly thought it was a curse that I was a boy. When I was 13 years old, I was average height... but then I started growing like a weed, and am currently 6'6" and wear a size 13 male shoe (US). And it has crossed my mind that maybe transition is not even worth it, that I am too freakishly large and tall to ever make it work.
For a year, I thought I would grow out of it... but it kept coming back, stronger than before. I know now what needs to be done, but I don't know the means of how to do it. I have been to several therapists in my time with living with my brothers death, and I understand why they would be very useful in this situation. I am not rushing anything, and have been thinking about this for a long time. I have been doing a lot of research... I may not be happy with the results, but it still needs to get done. I still need to let that 13 year old, who just lost his hero, know that someone was listening to them, even if it was myself. I owe it to myself to make this work.
That's where I need help. I know there are clinics that take informed consent, but the closest one is five hours away. The nearest Trans specialized therapist is 2 hours away. I work from home and usually get two days off in a row. I would like to get some advice from those of you pretty girls out there as to what I should do. I know perfectly well that having a therapist is great for an early transition, in some aspects. I also know that I could jade your mind and they could talk you out of it for the fears they put in your head.
My question is, for those of you who have had informed consent, and the others who did it the traditional way. Would it be wise to go to therapy (which is 2 hours away) and spend a large amount of money? Is over the internet therapy viable in this situation? Would it be more wise to go ahead and get informed consent? Longer distance but more consistent results. If I did go the informed consent route, would I need to visit them often to keep getting my prescription filled?
Terribly sorry for the long post.
Hugs
To be honest I think you would benefit from talking to a good therapist. You can, from what I know go through informed consent quite quickly but I have a concern that the tragedies that have befallen you and the issues you are dealing with will not be solved by HT.
Yes the gender dysmorphia may be but the co-morbidities will not.
HT doesn't cure anything. HT doesn't solve our problems, it helps us live our life, but we have to deal with our problems to be able to move forward.
I'm more concerned, and please I say this only to help you, that you may place too much expectation of what HT can do for your situation rather than getting professional help to assist you with dealing with the issues.
Cindy
I understand your concern, but I was having these feelings before my brother died, and simply said that I do not know how I would handle another brother going down the same path. I am perfectly aware that transitioning is extremely difficult and only for the strong willed. I am not expecting it to cure anything other than my own self acceptance. I know that there are a lot of factors that you need to take into consideration when you talk about HRT. I know it isn't a cure all, it might even make things worst. I have been to several very good therapists about my brother and how to cope, and only through years of living have I been able to accept the fact that he is gone. It was not him that made me want to transition. This is not my way for my brain to have a fail-safe. Life is hard, and the ones who work at it are the ones who truly succeed. I admit, that I have been running from my feelings and I still do feel the occasional depression when I think about my brother and all of the good times that we had. That in no way is correlated with my GID issues, that I know for sure. It is simply that I was hit very hard all at once when I was 13. Not only did I lose my brother, but I also found out who I really am, even though I was not certain of it.
I completely understand where you come from, and I deeply appreciate it. I would hop in my car right now and go to a therapist right now if I knew that it would solve my depression, but I have been going to therapy for almost 8 years now, and I don't see my sadness about losing my brother going away. I am not afraid for my life, there will always be that sadness there, but I know not to let it rule my life. I am simply saying that I know that I am ready for the next step in my journey, and I mentioned all of that about my brother because of what my other brother is going through. Lord forbid he do anything to himself, but I don't know what I would do. I am not saying I would hurt myself or another person, but I do know that I will be in that deep chasm that I was in before. Losing a sibling is never good, but I am not going to let that get in the way of what I need, and I am not going to let others think I am trying to run from my past.
Simply, what I was asking, since therapy is so hard to come by where I live, and the amount of money that it takes, and my schedule, I was asking if it was a wise path to choose. The other option I found was informed consent, this appealed to me in so many ways. For one, the "Gatekeeping" that some therapists use to stop people from transitioning, I think that it completely awful. Also, I know that I would be able to get the ball rolling a lot quicker if I did informed consent. I am still in the process of trying to find a good therapist that I trust with my issues, yet none have fit the bill, and my options are growing more and more slim. After this last therapist on my list, the next one is actually in the same city the informed consent clinic is located that I mentioned previously. I do not, and will not drive all that way for one session of therapy... possibly for 3 or more months... just so he/she may or may not write me a letter. Or I could go once and get informed consent, and continue to see the therapist I have here in my home town. I have a lot of questions for information about HRT informed consent is hard to come by. I am just afraid that I will have to go back to the clinic when I need to refill my prescription... again, I do not want to trek across beautiful CO just to get that refill...
Even if someone can point me in the right direction, per this topic. That would be great :)
My apologies if I offended. I certainly did not mean to.
I think in your case informed consent could be excellent.
The models seem to vary a bit from place to place but if you can get cleared by a centre that deals with informed consent then you should be given clearance to receive HT from your family medic or certainly your local therapist. I don't believe there is a requirement to go back to the same clinic.
I would suggest contacting the centre and make enquiry at once!
I will call them very shortly and find out. I doubt I could get the prescription from my local therapists. I would be surprised if any therapists in the little corn husking town has had any experience with Trans-anything. I will look into it. To tell you the truth, I am completely terrified about what will or will not happen. It would be great if I could get my prescription from a pharmacy here because that would make a whole lot easier for me.
Like I mentioned before, I work from home, and I am ecstatic about that. It would allow me to come out at my own pace and just go with the flow.
Cindy, you did not offend me, I was just clarifying myself because I wasn't clear in my original post. I have come a long way from that scared girl you saw when I first came here, but it was the love and care that this community gave me that made me come to realize who I really was. I know you have helped me a lot in my journey, and I want to keep researching. The more you know the better. I would like to start stoppers as soon as possible, but I would also like to lose the rest of this gut. A bit harder to work out when you work at home, I found out.
Going forward, I am excited about what is going to come into play. I know that I may not be the prettiest, but I will try as hard as I can to make myself happy. I'm not as scared of passing as I was before, and I owe that a lot to this community. If you gather anything from my posts, I want you to know that your help and guidance has been deeply deeply appreciated and I could not trade that for anything in the world.
If anyone else has any more information, or if you have any advice at all, or if you just want to say hi; I would deeply appreciate it. I know for me, that this web site has helped me more than all of my therapists combined.
Moving forward, through the darkness.
Hmm, it doesn't seem like informed consent would be too viable if the nearest center is 5 hours away. If you find the time to get there, that's great. But that's a hell of a trip. I'm not too familiar if they make you go back often. However, I think you would want to find a doctor near you to get regular check ups. For one, hrt can have major impacts on your body, and you want to make sure that your safe. My endo wants me to see her regularly to ensure I'm safe. She told me she knew a transwoman who had a stroke because of these meds. For reasons like this, she doesn't like to leave anything to chance. So even if you start that way, please consider finding a local endo or doctor to frequently check your levels and make sure you are in good health.
I can only praise my therapist, but she is a few minutes away. 2 hours is a bit different. I love my therapist and she is worth all the costs, but I couldn't work with her if she was located that far away. It's up to you whether you would want to travel that far.
However, you can still do therapy online. Many have sworn by it and found it to work well.
Whatever method you choose, I hope it all works out for you.
I would be willing to make the 5 hour trip once to get the informed consent, that is no problem. And I think I might do that once I know more information on HRT informed consent.
Thank you for your concern, it means a lot. I am pretty sure I could keep my therapist here and take the informed consent route, and online therapy seems a little disconnected. I would never know who they were, and I'm not terribly sure how I would feel letting my future be determined by someone I have never met.
Quote from: ThatTallGirl on June 05, 2013, 02:23:44 PM
I would be willing to make the 5 hour trip once to get the informed consent, that is no problem. And I think I might do that once I know more information on HRT informed consent.
Thank you for your concern, it means a lot. I am pretty sure I could keep my therapist here and take the informed consent route, and online therapy seems a little disconnected. I would never know who they were, and I'm not terribly sure how I would feel letting my future be determined by someone I have never met.
I'm not sure about every informed consent facility, but usually it takes 3 visits before you actually start hrt. I know that most who have gone through Callen-Lorde in NY have reported that they needed to do 2 follow up visits before they got their script. If you have the blood work done prior to your visit, you may be able to avoid some of this. I would contact the clinic and ask them their general policy. One 5 hour trip is feasible, but 3 is a little more difficult.
I understand how you feel about online therapy. I'm the same way. While it works for some, it certainly isn't for everyone.
Even several trips could be done, if I had to. It could be a weekend project for me for a month or so to get it going, but I see it as being completely plausible. I still need to call them and find out, I just need to find the time to do so. I wish it was simpler for me... I don't like having to jump through so many loops... I just want to be able to start and it seems like this area is void of anyone that can help.
As far as I know, there aren't any therapists out here that deal with trans people. If there were, I don't know how to find out. I don't know anyone here that is transitioning and I don't see any therapists in my area online that deal with trans related issues. So you can guess I am a little frustrated with where I am...
The one thing that totally changed my outlook on my life was finding a fantastic TG group. I live in a rural area and the closest support group was 90 miles away. Any gender therapist was almost double that.
I've been On-Off HRT several times over the man decades of my life. It helped me over the humps but sure did not fix anything. That only comes with a lot of hard work and plenty of tears
Quote from: ThatTallGirl on June 05, 2013, 07:32:23 PM
Even several trips could be done, if I had to. It could be a weekend project for me for a month or so to get it going, but I see it as being completely plausible. I still need to call them and find out, I just need to find the time to do so. I wish it was simpler for me... I don't like having to jump through so many loops... I just want to be able to start and it seems like this area is void of anyone that can help.
As far as I know, there aren't any therapists out here that deal with trans people. If there were, I don't know how to find out. I don't know anyone here that is transitioning and I don't see any therapists in my area online that deal with trans related issues. So you can guess I am a little frustrated with where I am...
Keep in mind that there are therapists who don't specialize in gender issues but still provide great support. Before you seek one out, ask them upfront if they are familiar with trans issues and if they have experience with trans patients. That will give you some feedback to work off of. Don't get discouraged. It's hard to start, but once you do, it starts rolling. That's what I've found at least.
Right now, I do have a great therapist. I have been seeing her for about 6 years now and she has helped me a lot. I admit, that she is great and all, but I don't feel like I would want to budget for another therapist for the one I have right now is giving me sort of a "Family Discount". I end up paying about $20 a session with her now, down from the $80 a session I was (or my parents) paying when we first started.
I wish I knew more about informed consent in the HRT field.. I would like to research a little bit more before I do anything else.
I remember, back in your first post, one of the other moderators, a very wise and compassionate lady, said to you, "Never give up on your dreams."
As you have noticed, the dysphoria can come and go, and when it comes back, it can hit like the wet kiss at the end of a hot fist. Informed consent may work for you, but you have to be certain of what you want - of what your dreams are.
I figure for you, it's either Englewood or Salt Lake. Perhaps after seeing you the first time for the consent, you can find a local doctor who will order the regular labs tests you will need to monitor your health. I regularly keep copies of my labs, which I carry with me to my various specialists.
Good luck to you.
Just as an aside, I have met a 6' 5" woman in real life. She was a basketball player at a local high school, and went on to play Div. I college ball. Height is not an impediment to being feminine.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 06, 2013, 02:16:06 AM
I figure for you, it's either Englewood or Salt Lake. Perhaps after seeing you the first time for the consent, you can find a local doctor who will order the regular labs tests you will need to monitor your health. I regularly keep copies of my labs, which I carry with me to my various specialists.
Yes. I am about in the middle of the two, roughly the same distance from both, it would just depend on which on has the better clinic. It would be awesome if I could find a local doctor that would work with me so well.
If you already have a therapist, discuss whether they would be comfortable writing an hrt letter. Once you get that, you will be able to see a local endocrinologist and start the hormones. It doesn't hurt to ask.
Quote from: learningtolive on June 07, 2013, 11:23:55 AM
If you already have a therapist, discuss whether they would be comfortable writing an hrt letter. Once you get that, you will be able to see a local endocrinologist and start the hormones. It doesn't hurt to ask.
That has crossed my mind several times, but I haven't talked to my therapist about my GID because I got her while I was having problems dealing with my brother.
Quote from: ThatTallGirl on June 07, 2013, 12:38:58 PM
That has crossed my mind several times, but I haven't talked to my therapist about my GID because I got her while I was having problems dealing with my brother.
That's understandable. Though, there is nothing preventing you from bringing this up with her in a future session. She has a history with you and may already have some insight to help you with the process. If you feel comfortable with her, just let her know about it and see if she has any experience or knowledge on treating transgender patients.
I will go into my next session with an open mind, but because I have known her for so long I hope she doesn't tag it down as a problem with my depression. Although, I feel transitioning would make me a happier person, I know it will most likely not cure my depression. I don't know. I tend to over think situations like this. Do you know of anywhere I can get more information on informed consent?
I'm getting T through informed consent, so I might be able to answer some of your questions.
The first thing to do is make sure you can qualify for the clinic's low-cost services if you're driving to another city. I drove up to a clinic in San Francisco to find out that only city residents were eligible and it would cost me $2,000 out-of-pocket for all the blood tests.
You'll probably also have to ask the clinic your more specific questions about the number of visits before you get hormones and how often you have to come back for blood tests. Seems like that's up to the individual clinics and doctors to decide their procedures.
Just as a general idea, that first clinic in SF required 3 separate visits before getting a prescription. The initial visit was just to fill out paperwork, then they'd call you back with an appointment with an intake counselor, then the blood test was some time after that (don't know...didn't go there because of the cost.)
The clinic I go to now was ready to take my blood during the first visit and I had my results and T prescription about 2 weeks later. I had to go back for blood tests at 3 and 6 months. My doctor didn't see any reason for concern, so now she only wants me to go back for tests every year.
Hope that helps clear things up a bit.
I cant answer either of your questions. I wish I could. The reason I am responding is because I understand those feelings. I am in a spot emotionally just like you. I have fought with depression. I sometimes feel like it might not be worth it. I want you to know that there are people here for you. It might not mean much coming from me, but realize that it is never too late to change, or to take a chance. I wish you the best of luck with your goals. If you ever want to talk or vent there are many people here, myself included that would be happy to listen.
Thank you so much, Driven and Bookworm.
Driven, that information is very useful and I will ask them more information when I call. It would be a big bummer if I had to pay that much extra for blood tests and hope they take the area I live in as an accept ion... one can hope.
Bookworm, thank you for your kind words. I have been coming and going from these forums for little over a year now and I am ready to take my next step.
Not a problem and don't be afraid to pm me if you want to chat. I would enjoy it.
Quote from: Bookworm on June 07, 2013, 09:26:36 PM
Not a problem and don't be afraid to pm me if you want to chat. I would enjoy it.
:) I will definitely shoot you a pm if I even need to talk. The same goes for you, if you even need anyone to talk to, I am here and will always listen. It warms me up to know that there are people out there that are willing to help others so frequently. I am thankful to have everyone on this thread!
Quote from: ThatTallGirl on June 07, 2013, 06:51:15 PM
I will go into my next session with an open mind, but because I have known her for so long I hope she doesn't tag it down as a problem with my depression. Although, I feel transitioning would make me a happier person, I know it will most likely not cure my depression. I don't know. I tend to over think situations like this. Do you know of anywhere I can get more information on informed consent?
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/932389/Trans/Stepping%20Forward%20-%20Informed%20Consent%20Clinics.pdf (http://dl.dropbox.com/u/932389/Trans/Stepping%20Forward%20-%20Informed%20Consent%20Clinics.pdf)
This link above should have some good information on informed consent.
I wouldn't worry about telling your doctor. I've been treated for depression before and I worried it would have an impact on how I was interpreted. As it turns out, it's common for people to have depression when facing gender dyphoria. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just be open and honest.