hold up, i am happy with my transition. and this has nothing to do with that.
i'm not happy with my relationship with my girlfriend of two years and I don't know what to do. I love her, but I don't think i'm in love with her anymore. I've known her since i was 16. She is accepting of my transition, and i am stealth to her family with the exception of her brother I told him I was trans.
We started 'talking' in August of 2011. I thought she was serious. but, she basically got mad at me 'supposedly" and she was at her friends house and had sex with him. then the next day they were dating. He broke it off with her. In October I came in contact with her again. we was talking as friends. things got a little heavy and we began talking again. well she got drunk and did it with a different dude. and then a few days later we began officially dating. She lived in Florida and I lived in Texas. I was doing well, and left everything to move to florida with her. Things went well. ima backtrack. before me she had this friend Cameron that she really was falling for but all he wanted was sex. and used her. well when we started dating she stopped talking to him. well fast forward to April of 2012. i was living with her for about 4 months already. her ex <not allowed> buddy decided to move back down and started texting her again. she broke up with me. and she started texting cameron telling him things like 'im only with him because i can't have you' ' you are the best i ever had' ' i miss you d***'' she also texted some other guys she did too. but at the time i didn't know she was saying those things. she told me six months later. and she didn't even tell me i had to pry it out of her. literally. we only broke up for like three days. and like a fool back then i begged for her back. and she said yes. i think she only said yes because her 'friend' Cameron was ignoring her. anyways fast foward again. Here we are in Texas. she doesn't help me clean or nothing. she is lazy all she does is work. the apartment could have dog poop everywhere and she won't pick it up. we haven't had sex in like 4 months. shes not intimate no more. she always makes an excuse like shes too tired, or sore. etc. and she constantly bitches me out. like nothing i do seems to make her happy. i'm just tired. some days i want to leave her. but if i do leave i have no where to go. i'd be homeless again. and i don't want to go down that path again. if can find a place like an SRO or something. that will accept my dog. then, yea, i'd probably leave her. i'm a little autistic. i'm smart as heck. but i'm socially awkward. i say completely random things. i am also a late bloomer. meaning i'm 25, but i have yet to get my drivers licenses. i never had parents who really taught me stuff. what would you do if you was in my situation?
Edited for gratuitous profanity.
With all respect to you, your girlfriend is using you. She is bad news, and taking you for granted. If I were you, I would ask myself if I were okay with continuing to be treated like this because I don't think it's going to stop. Unless you treat her the same, you deserve better. I would give her a couple weeks notice and tell her she needs to find a new place to live.
Be good to yourself, matey. If she's done that much damage to your trust--I don't think there's a way back together with her. Polyamorous relationships are one thing, where people negotiate and talk and try to figure all the boundaries out. But what you got on your hand is something else. I'm wondering if alcohol or whatever else has impacted here on her judgement?
Don't quit on yourself--I've been there too. An ex had sex with, I dunno, I lost count of how many people behind my back, when I was only 24 years old, and my first real love. It was the first 12 months that was the hardest. We got back together again, after 12 months apart - and had another good 10 years, even though without sex, there were major problems in the relationship. The cheating stopped though. we're friends now--actually very good friends. There were reasons for what happened--about identity--'who am I' stuff, adoption, lies in the family of origin, and big rejection issues about the 'who am I' stuff....
Hang in there.....need any particular tips or ideas about 'where to'.
cheers
stav
get rid of her. Youre welcome.
she doesn't drink or do any drugs. idk. i do wanna leave, but at the same time. i have no where to go if i do. and she has the major source of income in our relationship. if she left there is no way that I could afford this apartment. now what I might do. is use her and save up as much mney as i can. and get out. probably will take me a year tho. i feel bad for using her but i got to do what i got to do.
Quote from: justwright88 on July 07, 2013, 07:26:11 AM
she doesn't drink or do any drugs. idk. i do wanna leave, but at the same time. i have no where to go if i do. and she has the major source of income in our relationship. if she left there is no way that I could afford this apartment. now what I might do. is use her and save up as much mney as i can. and get out. probably will take me a year tho. i feel bad for using her but i got to do what i got to do.
I understand. U need a roof over ur head, matey and that's understandable..... As for 'using her' ya know what - she's more than kinda lost any claim to making u feel guilty. She did *what* with *who* - OMG man - that's sooooo wayyy off the scale in terms of damage to trust.
I can only imagine what it must be like living in the place. I know exactly what it feels like to look at the person you used to love n trust and *bleep* when things were right. Then when you stare at them--you see all the men she did/had.
If it eats at you while ur there with her--ur gunna have to get out. Cause, if ur self-esteem gets donged by being with her - ur not gunna see that u've got other options in partners.
Don't quit on urself - this'll get better -
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11. Foul or obscene language, and/or subjects belongs on the street, Please do not bring it on to my site.
She's using you - you don't need that. If a "better offer" comes along she'll be gone like the wind.
My suggestion is to take charge of your life and start making plans for getting away from her. The immediate concern for you is to find a good source of income and then save as much as you can. Once you are self sufficient your options open up - you can find another place to stay and maybe get some kind of a car to get around in.
And don't listen to anything she says about "missing you" etc. Her actions speak a lot louder than her words do, and they say that she is not a trustworthy person IMO.
Honest opinion, justwright - dump the lush. She is bad news.
That's a rough spot to be in since you have nowhere else to go. I would say stay there until you're capable of being independent. Work on bettering yourself. Get a license if there is no public transit there and start looking for a better job or maybe get in College. Worry about yourself and turn a blind eye to whatever shenanigans she may be up to.
thanks. yea if i do leave her. she will probably go back to Florida. and ill be moving out here. ima probably find a job where i can transfer to such as Walgreens or whatever and save money. and get the heck outta here.
Quote from: justwright88 on July 07, 2013, 06:53:13 PM
thanks. yea if i do leave her. she will probably go back to Florida. and ill be moving out here. ima probably find a job where i can transfer to such as Walgreens or whatever and save money. and get the heck outta here.
Drive a taxi, scrub floors, and do whatever it takes to get cashflow--fast. Then move into a shared household. Cheaper. Accommodation options for transient housing--have you had a look at those? I don't know how it works in the US, but here, we have temporary boarding house style accommodation (it's not pretty, but it's functional while you get back on your feet). Are you in your home state?
I had a period of poverty--there were holes in the floor I lived in, as a student, in my early 30's, and at an age without parental support. Had to. No choice. You'll get strong, quick and never want to see her again. Don't quit. You're gunna figure this out.
You mentioned there may be options for you if they took your dog. Your situation may not be pressing yet, but it could get there pretty fast. I urge you to contact rescues and the local humane society (they're a no kill shelter) and find out what it would take for you to turn over your dog to them in the event that you are pushed into that corner. I had to leave a really bad situation that I probably would have died from if I'd stayed. I left my dog behind because my chance to run came unexpectedly. I regret my decision because he left me violent voice mail messages and bragged about killing her. In retrospect I could have called the police but I was young and stupid and terrified.
I'm not saying the female you're with would murder your pet, but having a plan to fall back on is better than bringing your dog to the high kill shelter where he'll only get 5 days to be adopted and then killed to make space for the other dogs.
Nah. there is no way she could or would kill my dog. and there is no way I could abandoned her at an animal shelter like that I use to work at my local spca here. and i rescued her from there. It was a no kill animal shelter but the manager was a complete butt. she was going to kill her because she thought she has distemper. when i got her. she was on deaths door giving up on life. i paid more than 2k all together for all her injury and there is no way i'm letting my baby go. i'd rather be homeless with her than losing her. if something came down my gf would watch my dog though. she considers it her dog as well.
She does not sound like good girlfriend material, at all. I'd do what it takes to be financially stable on your own, and dump her and don't look back. I know it'll be hard if you have feelings for her, but...honestly, she's not treating you the way you deserve at all.
I agree that she does sound like a user. So you shouldn't feel too bad about sticking around a little longer until you have what it takes to move out. Can you get a roommate situation, a place that will take a dog, on your current income? Have you checked the ads to find out how much you would need to make every month? (Just don't let her find the classified ads with all of your red circles around the ones you like!)
Let's say that you can barely afford to manage on your current income. If you use public transportation to get to work, maybe you can use a food bank to feed yourself. Whatever money is left over, buy dog food--bank the rest if there is any left over.
Do you have family/friends/allies in your area? Most people need a support network of some kind. Are you in touch with any LGBTQ organizations or centers in your area? They can sometimes help you out with emergency housing and the like. In most areas, there are also county resources that you can look into.
You seem to need more income, from what you are saying. So perhaps another job is in order. But I hope you have a separate bank account. If you don't have one, get one TOMORROW.
If you were making more money in the past year or so than you are now, you might qualify for partial unemployment benefits. Or, as someone suggested, you can start lining up school if you are into that and don't have a degree.
A driver's license comes in handy for more than just driving, so you might arrange to get one. But that takes time and energy, and it sounds like you don't have a car. You'll have to weigh the importance of that.
If you have allies who live in another part of the country and you can save enough for basic moving expenses, you might consider moving cross country.
The dog complicates matters, but I know how you feel about giving her up. When my ex and I broke up, I was worried about finances and could see myself trying to live in my car with my cat. I had rescued him from the streets, and no WAY was I giving him up.
I live in midland, Texas there is no resources here for lgbt members at all. George bush is from here if that tells you anything lol. my gf makes 600 a week, and i make 400 a week. there is no way i can afford a place here. due to the oil boom we have a housing shortage. a one bedroom goes for 1000 a month. and that doesn't include utilities. there is public transit but it only runs once an hour and runs until about 6pm. ima save up, and probably move to a big metro city. I would love to move back to Portland/seattle but would even consider LA.
Just realized I got your dog's pronoun wrong. Unforgivable on a trans site.
Do you mean LA the state or L.A. the city?
Considering that you already have a job, even if it doesn't pay well, you should probably sit tight and do your best to improve your situation. I don't know where Midland is with regard to the larger cities, but it sounds rather horrible.
If you make $400 a week, is there any chance you can share a two-bedroom, maybe a duplex or fourplex with a bit of yard, with someone? How much would that run? Like, half of what you make?
It's okay she acts like a dude anyways i call her butch sometimes haha.
eh, i'd just prefer to move the heck outta this town. I hate this place. Not only that me and her work together. so that would be some conflict.
I meant L.A the city. Before I got with my gf. I lived in an SRO ( single room occupancy) I loved it. I probably will start searching for SRO is different citys to see the prices and what not. Maybe by then i'll have a car and what not.
The hard part would be saving money. me and her put our money together she would think something is up if i start to save. i really don't need to save much. as long as i have a job where i can transfer too. and can cover two months on rent. ill be fine.
As someone who earns less than $400 a week and lives in TX, I am pretty sure there should be housing if you dig hard enough, although maybe Midland isn't as cheap as everywhere else. I have paid as low as 420 a month in Dallas and 435 out in Alpine just by asking literally every complex what they charge. There are a lot of free apartment locator services. You may qualify for section 8. If you aren't already using SNAP for food, you probably qualify if you work full time. Definitely give Health and Human Services a call. They also have temporary cash assistance if you need it. Also, if your city doesn't have transit, consider biking. Ha, sorry, those are all the poor Texan tips I have.
Nah midland sucks we have a major oil boom going on right now. all the oil rigs are here. it's hard to find housing so people live in motels. the motel 6 here charges 90 a night. then there is one extended stay that charges 599 a week. the cheapest you can get here is for a one bedroom apartment would be 900 a month. i even tried to get in low income housing and there is a two year wait. it is ridiculous here.
I just looked up midland roommate situations on craigslist and there are a lot of them that are affordable and claim to allow dogs. Is there any reason you seem to be ignoring the advice of finding a place to share with people? It seems you're focusing on the fact that single occupancy is expensive when there are options readily available.
Being homeless just to keep an animal is foolish. It's unfair to the animal you swore to protect and care for because of the extreme stress of the situation. There are plenty of homes available for healthy, well adjusted dogs and cats and holding onto them is selfish. I can understand it, but it's not abandonment when you've made sure your pet has someone safe, clean, and stable to go.
Quote from: randomroads on July 08, 2013, 02:15:16 PM
I just looked up midland roommate situations on craigslist and there are a lot of them that are affordable and claim to allow dogs. Is there any reason you seem to be ignoring the advice of finding a place to share with people? It seems you're focusing on the fact that single occupancy is expensive when there are options readily available.
Being homeless just to keep an animal is foolish. It's unfair to the animal you swore to protect and care for because of the extreme stress of the situation. There are plenty of homes available for healthy, well adjusted dogs and cats and holding onto them is selfish. I can understand it, but it's not abandonment when you've made sure your pet has someone safe, clean, and stable to go.
Quote from: justwright88 on July 07, 2013, 08:39:15 PM
i'd rather be homeless with her than losing her. if something came down my gf would watch my dog though. she considers it her dog as well.
Sounds like he wouldn't be homeless with the dog - the girlfriend likes it if nothing else? Also - he said he was saving money before he did anything. I took his statement as an extreme hypothetical to emphasize how much he loves his dog, not an actual plan.
Maybe he just wants to GTFO of Midland, TX along with everything else going on with him. I don't blame him for that. Armpit of the state.
I dated someone like that and she called herself a monogamous dater. Very odd description for what it is. Basically she was so afraid of rejection that she would be constantly looking for another relationship so she could jump ship while everything was still going good. That way she rarely ever has a bad relationship experience.
Yeah I just want to GTFO Of midland, so whats the point in finding me a roommate? Even the roommate situation is expensive here. 600-900 a month. I can't afford that really.
Dropping in to see how ur doing, matey. I've been worried about you and your situation, and wanted to say 'hi'. If u see this message - let us know how ur doin.....I remember from being in a situation like yours how much energy and thinking go into the situation.
Quote from: justwright88 on July 07, 2013, 11:28:33 PM
I live in midland, Texas there is no resources here for lgbt members at all. George bush is from here if that tells you anything lol. my gf makes 600 a week, and i make 400 a week. there is no way i can afford a place here. due to the oil boom we have a housing shortage. a one bedroom goes for 1000 a month. and that doesn't include utilities. there is public transit but it only runs once an hour and runs until about 6pm. ima save up, and probably move to a big metro city. I would love to move back to Portland/seattle but would even consider LA.
Ah, I see :) I hear ya. Not good. Yes, that does get across the point - their massive costs of living for low-paid labour. I've been to LA, a few times, and Portland. Rained in Portland - surprised? :) I loved LA as a visitor, but was the only person I've ever known who does! Met a woman (from the valley) and as a newbie to the US at the time, with TV pop culture coming to life - I felt like I was transported into another dimension! Still friends with her, 20 years later. Love her.
eh, i'm ok i guess just living life or trying too.
Quote from: justwright88 on July 17, 2013, 08:54:14 AM
eh, i'm ok i guess just living life or trying too.
.....I said earlier my ex ****** a whole bunch of my friends, and it really majorly messed with my sense of trust in other human beings. I got more sensitive to everything and everyone. And I used to have really big reactions to things that never bothered me. I felt like a total freak and felt like I was wearing a scar that everyone could see.
I used to go take a walk in my favourite park at night, to scare me (fear was better than what I was feeling) and then sit under a tree, (was summer time) and watch the moon travel through the sky for an hour. I used to go same time, once a month, and I'd say to myself "find one new thing you figured out" and I'd tally tiny gains I'd made in my head. That was in 1994, and those moments, looking back, are things I keep with me and that made me strong......
How'r thing at home?