First off, this thread will be a bit of a mess and quite jumbled. So forgive me for the disorganization of this thread. If you make it through, I congratulate you and thank you for any feedback you may have. Lately, I have been having a lot of fears about my transition, and I wanted to see if any one has any suggestions or tips on how overcome them or improve them. Also, I just kind of want to get it out as I feel pent up and don't have anyone other than my therapist to unleash this upon. Some of the thoughts presented here are controversial. Understand this is just how I think of myself, not of anyone else. These are my own personal hangups and fears/shame about being trans and the consequences of transitioning.. This mindset is limited to how I see myself, so please don't take offense to anything in this post. The further I go into my transition (over a month on hormones), I need to learn how to confront these fears. Any feedback or thoughts are appreciated.
Fear number one. I'm afraid that I will always be alone and transitioning will only solidify this. I really have no one in my life in the moment. I'm not really enriched with a lot of friends, I've never had a dating life, and soon I may not even have a family. If things are bad know, what will happen once I fully transition. Will it really become easier for me to date or make friends? Sure, I never dated because of my dysphoria and I've always been shy around others because of this fact. So it that sense maybe there will be improvement. But will people really want to date or befriend someone like me? Why would they? I'm a spectacle. If I pass in the future, great, but if I don't, why would someone want to date a woman who looks like a guy. Why would they want to be friends with someone who looks like a joke. Maybe I just have no self esteem, but I fear transitioning will make me into more of a social reject than I already am. If I don't pass and no one believes I'm a girl, will I really have a social life when they see me as a weirdo? And I know for a fact that transitioning is damaging my relationship at home. They want me to leave and may not want to see me again in the future.
Fear number two. I fee like leaving everything behind. I don't want to face those who already know me. I'd rather leave them all behind and never see them again. But you can't hide from your neighbors and acquaintances. Sooner or later they will know? What do I do? What if they reject me or make life difficult for me?
Fear number 3. I'm terrified of never passing in my life. I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me, yet I can't help but feel my future only has bad things to come. Perhaps one day I will pass, but I don't know. My family always tells me I will never look the way I hope. I fear they might be right. I NEED to pass. A life as a man or an unpassable woman doesn't appeal to me. I don't know if I could deal with it. I don't know if I'd like to even live if that's my only options. I don't judge others who don't have the same fear, so please don't judge me either. We all have our weaknesses and fears. I just don't know how to overcome this. I want to pass and need to. But will it really ever happen.
I guess I fear that my life will only get worse. As much as I want this and feel I HAVE to do this, I don't know how to get through it or if doing so will make things better. I already have great difficulties meeting people and have always felt like a social reject. I can't find employment and imagine it will only become harder the more my appearance changes. My family is increasingly distancing themselves from me and I'm being asked to leave my home since they don't have to witness my transition. How can one feel happy or satisfied without family, friends, employment, and shelter. Is it really worth it? Yet, the alternative of not transitioning leaves me with no other option than going into the unknown realm. If both paths take me into same place is it really worth fighting on. Is there really something worth living for? I don't plan on doing anything so don't worry, but I can't help but feel I'm doomed no matter what. Sometimes I have a romantic fantasy of leaving everything and everyone behind and running off as female in another country. I could leave my past behind and finally feel satisfied. I could live as the girl I've always hoped to be and not deal with facing a hostile society because they'd never know. Yet, that is only a fantasy. All my problems will exist and running away won't allow my fears to be solved. But then what do tou do if you can't solve them? If I don't pass, they will persist and even get worse.
I don't mean to ramble on and on, but does anyone have any suggestions for how to improve my situation or get over these fears. I'm lost and don't know what to do or how to get out of the defeatist mind set. I'm just scared. I need to do this, but I don't know how or if I can make it.
LtL,
In response to your post I am going to stick my neck out a bit more than usual. I would love to be able to write you something really reassuring telling you all will work out alright but I think that, under the circumstances, those words would ring hollow. Almost nothing you have said over recently months allows me to say that.
However the "almost" is important as you have plenty going for you if you can a find a way to stand back frrom your situation a bit so that you can see it. You are bright, you are young, you still have a family that supports you (Under certain conditions , yes), you live in the wealthiest country in the world in quite a tolerant corner of that country etc. etc..
You have no job for now and, given the type of studies you did, finding work directly related to those studies could be tough. However you do have the opportunity to pursue your studies and get the post-grad education which might just allow you get the sort of position you are aiming for. If you are really in a hurry to become financially independent, there are plenty of other possibilities too, in areas like health care, the military etc.. where not everyone becomes a SEAL or whatever. Lot's of people use the military to get an education in specialities for which there are openings.
You also apparently have quite severe disphoria but just being aware of that, as long as you don't make an obsession of it, should make it manageable. If you read the older ladies posts here, you will have noticed that lots of us survived for years operating as guys, frustrated without any doubt, but having still lived very full lives.
If have said this to you before in a PM but will say it again here. You don't always get to do what you want to do in life, far from it and the only way forward at any point in time is to weigh up your options, make choices and live with them until other options become available.
As an example of this, between the ages of 18 and 23 I spent 5 years in an elite combat unit in the French army. At the time I was running away from myself but I knew as soon as I found myself there that I had made a really bad choice. Unfortunately, I was stuck with it so I used every possibiity that cropped up to do things I liked, like serving in a mountain warfare unit where I learned to ski, to rock climb and generally survive in mountainous environments which I love to this day. I also put aside enough money to pay for a good higher education when I was finally finished meaning that I have been able to enjoy a good professional career.
However, even when in the army I had to live with my disphoria and I took some risks at the time which, with hindsight, were pretty crazy. That being said, I survived, learned to look after myself and, in spite of a rocky ride at times, I am still here today with far more to be happy about than the contrary. I feel all the more comfortable about saying this that I know I'm not alone. There are plenty of the older ladies here who could tell you similar stories.
So, getting back to you, you can bemoan your present situation for forever, a victim of circumstances, and get more and more unhappy or, you can take charge of your life, make the best choices you can given the options available to you now and live with them.
You do have my sympathy by the way. That is actually why I have responded so often to your posts. You come across as a genuinely very nice person who could do with lots of TLC but that will not help you fly with your own wings which is what you need to do now. Maybe that will require putting your transition on hold but is that really the only thing that counts in your existance? I really hope that it is not because, no matter how important to us, life is not only about gender identity.
Really wishing you all the very best but no one is more responsible for your life than you.
Donna
Forgive me for typos, I suck at using my phones keypad. Donna, you make some really great points. I don't like to whine. I kniw I have some advantages and realize life isn't perfect. I like finding solutions and working with what I hqve. The thing is, I don't see the solutions. This isn't about my current financial problems. Yes, it sukcs, but I will find something at some point. the problem is everything else that I wrote. The fear of never passing, of losing my family, never being accepted as a female by potential friends and romantic partners, and being found out by acquaintances who may laugh and reject me. Even if I hold off my transition until I'm 60 instead if doing it at 24 it won't solve these fears or problems. I'll need to face it at some point. I might as well learn how to do it now instead of putting my life on hold.
On your seconf point, dysphoria differs from person to person. I appreciate those who were able to live happy lives prior to transitioning, but that isn't me. I have so many difficulties living as a male. Sure I could try to cope, but I would live years as a miserable robot. I find it difficult to socialize and impossible to date. The idea of someone being attracted ti me as a male repulses me. A life without 5he ability to talk and maintain meaningful relationships with others is not fun or pleasant. And my body dysphoria has led me to suicidal rhoughts mor3 than once. I sometimes cry when looking in the mirror. Before I joined this forum and decided to fibally follow throufh my transition, I was doing a certain drug on a daily basis fir months so I wouldn't feel the pain. The idea of transitioning has brought me immnense happiness rhatbi don't want to give up. I legitimately can't just put rhis aside for years. I need to do this. But I'm at a loss on how I cqn make this successful or if I can ever live a happy life due to all rhe roadblocks a trans person must face. Getting over those fears and societal restraints aee my problem. Its like damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Again, I appreciate your feedback and am not trying to sound whiney. I just want learn how to deal with this as best I can.
How hard do you think it will be for you to pass? I think a lot of times being able to pass isn't as hard as we think. I know for myself I don't think I pass most days and yet when I present male and am gendered female by most people. Yesterday, I was dressed mainly male, or andro-male, and this guy referred to me as he and his girlfriend who slightly tipsy, was trying to whisper I swear to god that is a girl there is no way she's a guy. It was SO awkward.
I think that is your main worry: passing. When you start to pass everything else will fall into place. First you will prolly go thru some hard times. But the end will be worth it. I also wouldn't put off transition. I can't and won;t put it off any longer. I barely made it to 30 and the only way I made it there was with the help of hard drugs, which were surprisingly easy to stop once I started transitioning. That's prolly because this is my main issue. If I was to stop, I would go back to doing drugs. Prolly within a day or two. It becomes that much harder now that I started because I feel like being whole is within reach and I am starting to like myself and accept myself. I hated myself before which makes relationships very hard and I am a very easdy person to love. Or at least everyone tells me so. Even if I could make it to 60, I wouldn't want to. Why would I want to live another 30 years like thislast 30 years. That sounds horrid. I'd rather be dead. I don't care about my career, my family, or anything, if I don not do this I will be compltely unhappy and I want to feel happy for once. I suspect you feel the same. In this we are like sisters, so please don't feel alone.
You should come to Philly. It's not far and I am your friend. BTW, your not being whiney. This is completely normal.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on July 25, 2013, 07:21:01 PM
BTW, your not being whiney. This is completely normal.
Yeah, pretty much that. Given all your current issues, it's totally understandable.
If you think that you need to transition, then transition. Know that doing that has costs, accept them into your heart and mind and move on. Everyone I've known has had *some* part of their life ripped out by transition, even the best cases. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to feel comfortable for a long while. Work on it every day, realize that this is a chance for you to be yourself and that, fortunately enough, you get a lot of chances to do things completely differently, should you so choose.
Two cents: I transitioned about five years after you did, on the timeline. I was awkward and weird. I'm still awkward and weird but I'm honest and people respond to being genuine and sincere so, my life is pretty full of awesome friends that I do nifty things with. You'll probably find that life works out that way.
Fear is pointless, love is generally the answer, knowing where you're going takes a plan of how to get there. Three wonderfully glib clichés for you but, there you go.
Finally: If you feel that you MUST transition, then do so but if you feel that you *CAN* live life without, then maybe it's a good idea to reflect. I'm not kidding about costs. I'm an ideal case when it comes to how easy it was (partner stayed, kept job, life got way better) but in no way did I not lose things and people. I decided that this was critical and so, made peace with whatever would come to pass because of it. It didn't take the sting out when people suddenly disappeared on me or publicly screeched at me about how 'awful' or 'fake' or <whatever> it was but it did keep one foot in front of the other.
I look at transitioning from this perspective. I will follow the journey and weigh the benefits and negatives. I will work to achieve the path I feel is right for me. Since HRT things have been better. My co-workers that know are really very supportive. My wife is tolerating it. There have been some minor changes physically and they will continue. Mentally, I feel wonderful. Just doing something has helped (really quite a lot).
Physically, eventually the changes will accumulate and I then will have more choices. I will do what feels good to me, with lots or thought.
I am introverted, married a woman who seduced me and is dominant. I hid being TG from her (did not want to lose her) and have caused her pain.
I am who I am. Most likely I will compromise in the end. One important thing, I no longer think of the 2 options while going to work (life or death). There were a few weeks in December (if I still took drugs) I would not be here. Now, I have a lot of options and none of them include death.
Hey LTL,
I do think as you, we, transition it brings out an authenticity in us that other people can gravitate toward. I know I've lamented some bad experiences I've had of late on this forum but, just Wednesday I had a very nice chat with one of my co-workers as I drove us to the grocery store so I could pick up lunch (she's fasting for Ramadan). Before I left I sent out an e-mail saying, "Anyone wanna tag along?" and she said yes. I've had a chain of experiences like that going back to a time before I even started therapy which makes me think we have reason to be careful that we're not projecting our own fears onto other people.
- I went as me to this group at school for Trans people (this was before I started therapy) and I said, "I don't take the bus here because I might make other people uncomfortable." And the others just looked at me, dumbfounded. So, what the heck I thought, I went for the bus and this little kid came up to me and said, "Excuse me miss, would you like to buy..." I forget what he was selling but he gendered me right! And I had an uneventful bus ride home.
- There was a Russian Orthodox woman I befriended who studied with me and whose husband gave me lifts back to my apartment at night. This was during my RLE so I wasn't close to being on hormones yet. Not that I pass today... But my point is, they didn't care.
Anyway, it does seem there are a lot of cisgendered people who don't care what you look like, they care about who you are. I think, I hope, that extends to love too. My SO is still with me despite me looking less masculine.
As someone who doesn't pass all I can say is life remains better than before. Hard, but still better. Heck, I'm sober! Even though my stress has increased, my desire for a drink continues to plummet. :) So while not passing is not ideal, life can still be much better than before.
On the employment front, the upper, upper management at my employer has a 1980's mentality when it comes to LGBT issues, hence my insurance woes. But! My immediate management gave me a sentiment card to let me know they applicate my effort and a $100 gift card because they feel bad about my insurance situation and, yes, because I'm a far more talented engineer than they thought they were hiring. Those gestures may not have solved my insurance issue, but they do tell me these people care about me.
Family. If they're pushing you away because they don't want to see you transition, I suspect they've done enough damage to you and you'll be better off without them.
LTL, from what I've seen of you here you seem like a really nice and wonderful person. Bet on that, grow it. I think it's your key to finding a solution to all the problems you see or fear that are coming.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 06:28:18 PM
Forgive me for typos, I suck at using my phones keypad. Donna, you make some really great points. I don't like to whine. I kniw I have some advantages and realize life isn't perfect. I like finding solutions and working with what I hqve. The thing is, I don't see the solutions. This isn't about my current financial problems. Yes, it sukcs, but I will find something at some point. the problem is everything else that I wrote. The fear of never passing, of losing my family, never being accepted as a female by potential friends and romantic partners, and being found out by acquaintances who may laugh and reject me. Even if I hold off my transition until I'm 60 instead if doing it at 24 it won't solve these fears or problems. I'll need to face it at some point. I might as well learn how to do it now instead of putting my life on hold.
On your seconf point, dysphoria differs from person to person. I appreciate those who were able to live happy lives prior to transitioning, but that isn't me. I have so many difficulties living as a male. Sure I could try to cope, but I would live years as a miserable robot. I find it difficult to socialize and impossible to date. The idea of someone being attracted ti me as a male repulses me. A life without 5he ability to talk and maintain meaningful relationships with others is not fun or pleasant. And my body dysphoria has led me to suicidal rhoughts mor3 than once. I sometimes cry when looking in the mirror. Before I joined this forum and decided to fibally follow throufh my transition, I was doing a certain drug on a daily basis fir months so I wouldn't feel the pain. The idea of transitioning has brought me immnense happiness rhatbi don't want to give up. I legitimately can't just put rhis aside for years. I need to do this. But I'm at a loss on how I cqn make this successful or if I can ever live a happy life due to all rhe roadblocks a trans person must face. Getting over those fears and societal restraints aee my problem. Its like damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Again, I appreciate your feedback and am not trying to sound whiney. I just want learn how to deal with this as best I can.
LtL, No matter what you want, at any particular point in time this has to be confronted with what you can actually do. Otherwise, you end out in a fantasy world. So yes, all the obstacles, roadblocks etc that you mention are real but they exist for lots of other people too.
Overall, I would suggest that if it is clear in your mind where you want to go, make a plan and start working to it. It might take a long time to get there but the extraordinary thing about actually making a plan is that the notion of time changes completely. If my objective is to get a medical degree I know from the outset that it will take x years and that it will be a really hard slog. However, since I know that to begin with, in spite of the difficulties I have a reason for sticking to it. Actually just writing this reminds me of yet another book I read years ago called "Man's search for meaning" by a guy called Viktor Frankl: http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-ebook/dp/B001KQZ7I8/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374810252&sr=1-1&keywords=viktor+frankl (http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-ebook/dp/B001KQZ7I8/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374810252&sr=1-1&keywords=viktor+frankl)
The basic idea that is developed is that if you if you have a good enough reason to want something you will find the means to achieve it and just knowing that you are on the road towards your goal already changes the way you perceive your day to day life. When you have no purpose, when nothing in your life has any meaning, it can just feel like an endless struggle. When you do have a purpose and there is meaning behind what you are going through, the realities on the ground are still the same but it feels very different and far more acceptable. You actually say as much yourself in the following phrase
"The idea of transitioning has brought me immnense happiness rhatbi don't want to give up." You already know what you need to do, you just don't quite know how to get there yet.
Regarding that, I never suggested you give up by the way. I just suggested it might not be the most important thing for you to do right now but only you can work that out and, as I have said a few times before, no matter what your choice, then accept that you have to live with it, at least for a certain amount of time.
Last comment on a far more practical level. Two years ago, I had no idea whether I could pass successfully which for me was also key to transitioning.I had a really masculine face. Thanks to HRT and even more so, FFS, I now pass without any problem. I was able to do the FFS because I earn enough money to pay for it and that it because I invested seriously in my education when I was pretty much your age. At 23 years of age I went back to school for 6 years, used all my savings, worked all my vacations, weekends etc.. to get myself through but actually ended out in a pretty good place.
So, looking at your situation, at least one of the alternatives you are facing is rushing to the finishing line now ie. transitioning immediately and damn the consequences or taking a more long term view of things, putting yourself in a position where you on more solid ground re. work, finances etc...so that you have more control over your life. That is what I am referring to when I say you need a plan.
Not making a choice is also a choice by the way but one which generally leads to other people making choices for you. At the end of the day, it's your call!
Warm regards.
Donagh
LTL,
I am saddened by your worries. They are normal, but they still make me sad. Often, in my life, I have found that my worst fears do not come true but they have led me to do better planning (a silver lining!). I hope this is the case for you. Having said that, I'm glad you are still on-line.
There is no way that I know that would allow anyone to predict the effect of HRT. I have seen some people go through dramatic changes. Hey, I went though dramatic changes. I know I will need some FFS. But before HRT, even FFS couldn't have made me look feminine. I know, I checked....that would have been tough (and expensive!) to even get close. Now, hey, it's possible! My facial bone structure is one big reason I have lived a life that has mostly consisted of going through the motions, not really living it. In no way do I recommend that option...
I have also found that transitioning can boost confidence and with confidence come "like-ability". Transitioning brings new experiences (both good and bad). You should be the same person but there is a lot to be said for being comfortable in your own skin. That, in turn, affects the way you interact with people.
What are you studying? Does the University of Chicago (U of C) have a good program??? (for some reason, that one came to mind first). How about MIT??? Cal Tech??? UNC Chapel Hill??? University of MN??? I know people at those schools. I don't know anyone at any school in NY.
From the tone of your posts, it sounds to me like you already have enough roadblocks in your life, brought on by your own feelings about being forced to live as someone you're not. How it makes you feel about interacting with people, and forming connections.
Short of being practical, something I'm not super well known for. I'm going to suggest a few things, perhaps of a more esoteric nature.
First of all, I'm not sure that transition is the cause of the fears you have. It's a symptom, sure, but... hmm... I wonder if it's more a twofold fear of the unknown, and of losing control. What I mean by that is... your posts give a lot of importance to how other people will treat you or what they will think. What if they do this, or think that, or say the other? That unpredictability. Uncertainty. And the second part to that is a fear that these reactions are based on something you have very little control over. And can't get away from.
Knowing you're going to have to face something, and being afraid of it, is a different sort of apprehension than not knowing what you're going to face. When you know what's going to happen, you can prepare for it, and plan accordingly, and try to minimise the risk as much as you can. Fear of the unknown is a more pervasive, and invasive apprehension. It gives your mind free reign to come up with every possible spanner that can be thrown in the works of what you want to do.
Unfortunately it's also the most common fear that nearly all of us face at one time or another. I think mainly because we try and assimilate way too many variables in one go, and it all becomes a confusing mess of interrelated "What if's" that lead to the mind thinking "Oh hell no, this is just a house of cards just waiting to topple over." Perhaps a start on the path to dealing with this fear is to concentrate your attention more in the present, than the future. Take on the issues one at a time rather than trying to deal with everything at once and predict every possible outcome.
The fears you listed in your first post. Examine them one at a time.
Fear number one. The fear of being alone. You wonder if people would want anything to do with you once you transition. Something strikes me, when reading your second post. How you feel now, about socialising and interacting. You say that you find it difficult to socialise and impossible to date. So... forgive me if I'm missing something, but what exactly would be lost if you transitioned? As far as I can see, with the way you feel even thinking about transitioning, you're giving yourself the tools to feel better about yourself, to feel more secure in yourself, and a stronger base to actually go out and socialise with people, and maybe find that special someone.
Which makes me wonder, is it more the fear that the choice won't be yours to make? Like... you feel that at the moment, you have control over who you socialise with, or date. You could if you want to, but you don't want to because you feel uncomfortable playing a role you know isn't you. And that were that choice given to other people, they may reject you and there wouldn't be anything you could do about it. And that fear of rejection, and loss of control scares you more than the thought of being alone.
If so, that fear is the one you have to deal with. It's hard, I know. But a start is the realisation that everything you want to do, you want to do for yourself. Not to please other people, or to make other people like you. The realisation, and affirmation that you are doing it to make you feel better about yourself. Believe it or not, when you feel better about yourself, and start being more confident within yourself, this actually affects the way other people respond to you. Looks are less important than charisma and attitude. That's not to say it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter, that's for sure. But feeling good about yourself has the added benefit that you want to make more of an effort in your appearance rather than just thinking "Yeah, whatever, I hate how I look so I don't care." And it can become a positive cycle which leads to some very unexpected results. People are more likely to care about you if you care about yourself. And if they reject you, then it may hurt, that's true, but that can be tempered somewhat by thinking whether you actually want to be associated with such superficial people, or whether you actually dodged a bullet and can find someone who isn't quite so shallow.
Also, think about it this way. What if you transition, find a bunch of friends, and even someone who loves you for who you are? How would it feel to know that you weren't being someone you're not? And that you can actually be yourself, live the way you want to live with them. Isn't that preferable to finding a bunch of folks who think they know you now but really don't have a clue, and hanging out with them just for the sake of saying you have people in your life? Rather than what if the worst happens... what if the best happens?
Fear number two. The only question I have to ask about this is... how good an actress are you? See the thing is, even if you don't change your outward appearance, people pick up on stuff. Not everyone is a knuckle-dragging gorilla that wouldn't know it was raining unless they got wet. And again, going by your second post, the way you feel now is already impacting your life. Enough for people who don't know, to suspect that something is wrong? I understand your fear. And... well, I can't say it's going to be okay. Because I've been in a situation where it was very not okay. But what I will say is this. You're already hiding from them, just... in a different way.
Fear number three. Firstly, if your family are unhappy about you doing this, then they're not going to tell you that you're going to be a supermodel. So perhaps it would be wise to take comments about whether you will or won't pass with a grain of salt. As much as I don't care for the word, I don't think passing is all about looks. As I've already mentioned, feeling more confident and happy within yourself is a big step towards being who you want to be, and wanting to express that in the best way you can. And sure, maybe some of it is your physical appearance, but hell women have a thousand and one tips and tricks to seemingly work magic on every part of your body. So I'm not at all sure it will be as hard as you think, or fear it will be.
Unfortunately, short of befriending Doc Brown, and somehow being able to snag a DeLorean to take you into the future, you can't know how it will turn out. But there are loads of things you can do to give yourself the best chance at being happy. Compared to the one thing you have to do to keep feeling this way... I'd say the balance is in going for it.
You won't be able to control other people and how they see you, but you will, perhaps for the first time, be able to control yourself and how you see you.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 03:19:51 PM
First off, this thread will be a bit of a mess and quite jumbled. So forgive me for the disorganization of this thread. If you make it through, I congratulate you and thank you for any feedback you may have. Lately, I have been having a lot of fears about my transition, and I wanted to see if any one has any suggestions or tips on how overcome them or improve them. Also, I just kind of want to get it out as I feel pent up and don't have anyone other than my therapist to unleash this upon. Some of the thoughts presented here are controversial. Understand this is just how I think of myself, not of anyone else. These are my own personal hangups and fears/shame about being trans and the consequences of transitioning.. This mindset is limited to how I see myself, so please don't take offense to anything in this post. The further I go into my transition (over a month on hormones), I need to learn how to confront these fears. Any feedback or thoughts are appreciated.
Fear number one. I'm afraid that I will always be alone and transitioning will only solidify this. I really have no one in my life in the moment. I'm not really enriched with a lot of friends, I've never had a dating life, and soon I may not even have a family. If things are bad know, what will happen once I fully transition. Will it really become easier for me to date or make friends? Sure, I never dated because of my dysphoria and I've always been shy around others because of this fact. So it that sense maybe there will be improvement. But will people really want to date or befriend someone like me? Why would they? I'm a spectacle. If I pass in the future, great, but if I don't, why would someone want to date a woman who looks like a guy. Why would they want to be friends with someone who looks like a joke. Maybe I just have no self esteem, but I fear transitioning will make me into more of a social reject than I already am. If I don't pass and no one believes I'm a girl, will I really have a social life when they see me as a weirdo? And I know for a fact that transitioning is damaging my relationship at home. They want me to leave and may not want to see me again in the future.
Fear number two. I fee like leaving everything behind. I don't want to face those who already know me. I'd rather leave them all behind and never see them again. But you can't hide from your neighbors and acquaintances. Sooner or later they will know? What do I do? What if they reject me or make life difficult for me?
Fear number 3. I'm terrified of never passing in my life. I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me, yet I can't help but feel my future only has bad things to come. Perhaps one day I will pass, but I don't know. My family always tells me I will never look the way I hope. I fear they might be right. I NEED to pass. A life as a man or an unpassable woman doesn't appeal to me. I don't know if I could deal with it. I don't know if I'd like to even live if that's my only options. I don't judge others who don't have the same fear, so please don't judge me either. We all have our weaknesses and fears. I just don't know how to overcome this. I want to pass and need to. But will it really ever happen.
I guess I fear that my life will only get worse. As much as I want this and feel I HAVE to do this, I don't know how to get through it or if doing so will make things better. I already have great difficulties meeting people and have always felt like a social reject. I can't find employment and imagine it will only become harder the more my appearance changes. My family is increasingly distancing themselves from me and I'm being asked to leave my home since they don't have to witness my transition. How can one feel happy or satisfied without family, friends, employment, and shelter. Is it really worth it? Yet, the alternative of not transitioning leaves me with no other option than going into the unknown realm. If both paths take me into same place is it really worth fighting on. Is there really something worth living for? I don't plan on doing anything so don't worry, but I can't help but feel I'm doomed no matter what. Sometimes I have a romantic fantasy of leaving everything and everyone behind and running off as female in another country. I could leave my past behind and finally feel satisfied. I could live as the girl I've always hoped to be and not deal with facing a hostile society because they'd never know. Yet, that is only a fantasy. All my problems will exist and running away won't allow my fears to be solved. But then what do tou do if you can't solve them? If I don't pass, they will persist and even get worse.
I don't mean to ramble on and on, but does anyone have any suggestions for how to improve my situation or get over these fears. I'm lost and don't know what to do or how to get out of the defeatist mind set. I'm just scared. I need to do this, but I don't know how or if I can make it.
U know what I really loved as I read--ur just candid. Straight up about fear, shame, social isolation and thats so refreshing.
I can't speak for the whole world, only for myself. There are at least two transgendered men I've know in my personal world who I would be more than happy to date. Hot. And really beautiful human beings. Of course, as same sex attracted, there would need to be the mutual attraction. The genital things is not bother for me for there is a journey with the person and all that gets worked out where love is the guiding force. Transcends genital configurations.
About friendships and family -- that's a big question. Speaking personally. I've found that where others are willing to grow and go on a journey with us -- that's the special friendships: worth the pain shame fear and feelings of threat that go with transforming a friendship. It's what to do with the unwilling that's so so hard. Goodbye forever -- grief and lost love. But when to walk and when to stay? I don't know -- the pain threshold for each of us is different. And sometimes one of us quits when the other hasn't. And right there is where much human pain emerges I relationships.
Kind regards stav
First off, I'm absolutely happy that there are others with similar fears as I have.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 03:19:51 PM
Fear number one. I'm afraid that I will always be alone and transitioning will only solidify this. I really have no one in my life in the moment. I'm not really enriched with a lot of friends, I've never had a dating life, and soon I may not even have a family. If things are bad know, what will happen once I fully transition. Will it really become easier for me to date or make friends? Sure, I never dated because of my dysphoria and I've always been shy around others because of this fact. So it that sense maybe there will be improvement. But will people really want to date or befriend someone like me? Why would they? I'm a spectacle. If I pass in the future, great, but if I don't, why would someone want to date a woman who looks like a guy. Why would they want to be friends with someone who looks like a joke. Maybe I just have no self esteem, but I fear transitioning will make me into more of a social reject than I already am. If I don't pass and no one believes I'm a girl, will I really have a social life when they see me as a weirdo? And I know for a fact that transitioning is damaging my relationship at home. They want me to leave and may not want to see me again in the future.
That pretty much sounds like a fear every genetic girl knows as well (at least as far as I know). They are too tall, too little, too fat, too slim... You get the point. That said, I still understand that your case is special as you change your gender. But still, that's only a physical aspect of you, isn't it? There are genetic girls with beards. Do they get a partner? There are tomboys, do they get a partner? As you will be kinda spectacle while you transition, you won't be afterwards. You might not be Pamela Anderson, you won't be the "perfect" girl. But you will be a girl and isn't that waht you want?
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 03:19:51 PM
Fear number two. I fee like leaving everything behind. I don't want to face those who already know me. I'd rather leave them all behind and never see them again. But you can't hide from your neighbors and acquaintances. Sooner or later they will know? What do I do? What if they reject me or make life difficult for me?
Where I live there is a consulting service for transsexuals. And even if I didn't do anything else since then, I was there for mentoring. The transwomen that mentored me told me that it would be hard for family, but friends would accept it without any problems most of the time. Her rule of thumb was: The more genetically related the more problems. So if your family already knows, the major part is done. As MTF, your mother will have the hardest time.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 03:19:51 PM
Fear number 3. I'm terrified of never passing in my life. I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me, yet I can't help but feel my future only has bad things to come. Perhaps one day I will pass, but I don't know. My family always tells me I will never look the way I hope. I fear they might be right. I NEED to pass. A life as a man or an unpassable woman doesn't appeal to me. I don't know if I could deal with it. I don't know if I'd like to even live if that's my only options. I don't judge others who don't have the same fear, so please don't judge me either. We all have our weaknesses and fears. I just don't know how to overcome this. I want to pass and need to. But will it really ever happen.
You will pass eventually. As I was told the older you are the more equally the genders look like. (You could say: the more crinkles the less differences.) So while your body will feminize more and more with each year of transitioning, nature will help you as much.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 03:19:51 PM
I could live as the girl I've always hoped to be and not deal with facing a hostile society because they'd never know.
I know that you didn't mean that, but you will never be the girl of your fantasy and neither are genetic girls. You'll eventually be a girl, but it wont be that of your fantasy; that's nothing even a genetic girl can achieve.
It is always interesting to see how common many of our fears are, and how we respond to them.
As many of you know I'm 'old' don't pass, never will, can't be in stealth.
I'm not a young chick with her life ahead.
Will I be alone?
Funny I have been lonely my entire life. When I transitioned I suddenly found heaps of friends, including a guy who liked me. We sort of started a relationship which hit me from blindside.
I couldn't leave the people who knew me. I was amazed that in fact that they joined me. I did not expect that. I have lost one colleague, who (sadly) is now being rejected by his fellow colleagues for his inability to accept me. A situation I find interesting.
I don't pass. Can't. As a young woman you will. It has not affected my life in anyway at all; to my total surprise.In fact now use it as a positive, if you want to know a celebrity I'm her.
Society is growing up. I know what it was like 50 years ago. Believe me it is growing up and more accepting by an awful lot.
And the more trans*men and trans*woman stand up and be counted the more accepting it is.
Finally it is hard. It isn't easy. But it is doable.
The alternative is misery.
Of that I can assure you.
Cindy
LtL I can really relate to many parts of your first post. I have next to no friends myself, I am isolated and I worry that when I finally take the steps to begin a transition I wonder if the people who are left in my life would accept me. I often think that I'd just let them go and start again, it would be easier.
I can't offer you any encouragement or advice about coming out to your family and friends as I'm nowhere near that stage myself and there are people here who are in a much, much better position to give you advice.
So I guess what I am trying to say is, I know it must be incredibly difficult but you're not alone in your troubles.
Quote from: iiii on July 26, 2013, 01:30:46 AM
That only works for specific people, not everyone can set up a goal and then simply move towards it.
It's easier to repress yourself before you've ever expressed yourself or taken steps that you want, once you've started it might become next to impossible to fully repress yourself again.
Hi iiii
I never suggested you can set up a goal and "then simply move towards it". However it has been proven over and over again that individual and organisations that have clearly set goals achieve far more than those who do not. When there is clarity of purpose, when you know why you are doing what you are doing, the obstacles and hassles of day to day existance are far easier to handle. However just having an objective is not enough, you also need to do some planning. In LtL's case for example, if getting money to do an FFS is the biggest issue so she's feels more comfortable about passing, (as you suggest in point 3 of your post) what's the best way of going about it given where she is now?
Regarding your second point I agree with you, up to a point, but I never suggested LtL repress herself. LtL or any of us are who we are and most of us have been aware of who we are for quite some time before deciding to transition. Some people, as evidenced by lots of other posts on this site, decide never to transition at all, in spite of being very aware of their condition and/or put things off until there are less obstacles to overcome. It is based on an implicit trade off between the cost of a transition, at a given point in time, and the expected benefits.
I can be quite poetic at times but this is a subject which is deadly serious especially when you are 24 years old with all of your life ahead of you. I have kids that are in the same age bracket as LtL and to be frank, I would go nuts with frustration if they sacrificed their ability to live their full potential as human beings for short term gain. Happily for me they haven't!
Personally, much later on in my life with that much less to lose than someone as young as LtL, (far more of my life behind me than in front of me) I still took it very easy with my transition because I still did not want the cure to be worse than the disease. As it happens, from every point of view it appears to me that LtL is asking herself exactly that question ie. when all is said and done, is it worth transitioning?
I didn't get into the relationship side of things because it would have made my replies, written late in the evening and very early in the morning far too long. However I really buy into Sephirah's answer which was probably more eloquant that anything I would have come up with. Positive relationships with others start with self acceptance. However, I think you can reach self acceptance without doing a transition, it simply means accepting that being TG is not something to feel any shame about and just feeling OK to be youself. It was certainly the case for me and a necessary first step before even considering transition. I could also add that this self acceptance opened the door for me to get into the most positive relationship in my life, my second mariage. I was honest about who I was from day 1 but that did not lead to rejection and our relationship has only grown stronger over the years.
Another thing that helps dramatically in terms of self esteem and the feeling that you have some control over your existance is financial independance.
So I focused on the practical side of things because no matter what our feelings we have regarding our identity, just surviving, being able to pay the bills, has got to come before anything else. So, if I was LtL, that is what I would focus on today, even if it means putting her transition on the backburner for a while.
End of the day though, it is all LtL's choice. All we can do is help clarify the questions that need to be asked, ideally in a level headed manner.
Warm regards.
Donna
There are a lot of great replies here. Thank you. I will try to respond to every one individually later tonight when I have my laptop. I suck at using taparalk, especially when I hqve much to write.
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Once again, thank you everyone for your input.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on July 25, 2013, 07:21:01 PM
How hard do you think it will be for you to pass? I think a lot of times being able to pass isn't as hard as we think. I know for myself I don't think I pass most days and yet when I present male and am gendered female by most people. Yesterday, I was dressed mainly male, or andro-male, and this guy referred to me as he and his girlfriend who slightly tipsy, was trying to whisper I swear to god that is a girl there is no way she's a guy. It was SO awkward.
I think that is your main worry: passing. When you start to pass everything else will fall into place. First you will prolly go thru some hard times. But the end will be worth it. I also wouldn't put off transition. I can't and won;t put it off any longer. I barely made it to 30 and the only way I made it there was with the help of hard drugs, which were surprisingly easy to stop once I started transitioning. That's prolly because this is my main issue. If I was to stop, I would go back to doing drugs. Prolly within a day or two. It becomes that much harder now that I started because I feel like being whole is within reach and I am starting to like myself and accept myself. I hated myself before which makes relationships very hard and I am a very easdy person to love. Or at least everyone tells me so. Even if I could make it to 60, I wouldn't want to. Why would I want to live another 30 years like thislast 30 years. That sounds horrid. I'd rather be dead. I don't care about my career, my family, or anything, if I don not do this I will be compltely unhappy and I want to feel happy for once. I suspect you feel the same. In this we are like sisters, so please don't feel alone.
You should come to Philly. It's not far and I am your friend. BTW, your not being whiney. This is completely normal.
Thank you Joanna. I hope it will fall into place as well, The problem is I don't have any gurantee and that scares me. While you are passing, there are many who don't. Perhaps I am too insecure and worrisome, but I fear I will never get there. My family makes it a point to show how "masculine" I am. It crushes me. However, I have been told by other that I will pass just fine in time. Perhaps I just need to learn to be patient and play the waiting game. And I share a similar view that you hold on life without transitioning.
Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on July 25, 2013, 08:10:44 PM
Yeah, pretty much that. Given all your current issues, it's totally understandable.
If you think that you need to transition, then transition. Know that doing that has costs, accept them into your heart and mind and move on. Everyone I've known has had *some* part of their life ripped out by transition, even the best cases. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to feel comfortable for a long while. Work on it every day, realize that this is a chance for you to be yourself and that, fortunately enough, you get a lot of chances to do things completely differently, should you so choose.
Two cents: I transitioned about five years after you did, on the timeline. I was awkward and weird. I'm still awkward and weird but I'm honest and people respond to being genuine and sincere so, my life is pretty full of awesome friends that I do nifty things with. You'll probably find that life works out that way.
Fear is pointless, love is generally the answer, knowing where you're going takes a plan of how to get there. Three wonderfully glib clichés for you but, there you go.
Finally: If you feel that you MUST transition, then do so but if you feel that you *CAN* live life without, then maybe it's a good idea to reflect. I'm not kidding about costs. I'm an ideal case when it comes to how easy it was (partner stayed, kept job, life got way better) but in no way did I not lose things and people. I decided that this was critical and so, made peace with whatever would come to pass because of it. It didn't take the sting out when people suddenly disappeared on me or publicly screeched at me about how 'awful' or 'fake' or <whatever> it was but it did keep one foot in front of the other.
I see what you mean. I do need to transition, but I hate the costs. The main issue is not knowing what the costs will be or what the extent of them are. I'm not talking financially, but emotionally. If I transition and never pass or get acceptance, then I did something I needed to do but had a poor result. There is no way to ensure that everything will work out and I understand that. I just don't want a terrible outcome both physically and emotionally. And the scary thing is we have no control over this. This is up to how well we pass and how accepting others are. Sure, we have some say in the passing department, but only a little. The judgements of others, however, is entirely out of our hands. That scares me.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 25, 2013, 08:12:00 PM
I look at transitioning from this perspective. I will follow the journey and weigh the benefits and negatives. I will work to achieve the path I feel is right for me. Since HRT things have been better. My co-workers that know are really very supportive. My wife is tolerating it. There have been some minor changes physically and they will continue. Mentally, I feel wonderful. Just doing something has helped (really quite a lot).
Physically, eventually the changes will accumulate and I then will have more choices. I will do what feels good to me, with lots or thought.
I am introverted, married a woman who seduced me and is dominant. I hid being TG from her (did not want to lose her) and have caused her pain.
I am who I am. Most likely I will compromise in the end. One important thing, I no longer think of the 2 options while going to work (life or death). There were a few weeks in December (if I still took drugs) I would not be here. Now, I have a lot of options and none of them include death.
The problem for me is that my family is NOT accepting of it. They aren't even tolerating it. At the end of the day, I can't make anyone else feel one way or another about my decision to transition. But that's what makes it hard. The prospect of losing my family is very difficult to me. It's like I have to choose between them or myself. Which I feel isn't really fair to be having to go through. And the other issue is that I am young. I have no spouse. I can't imagine a guy would ever be able to fall in love with me as I am. Maybe it will happen, but I fear not. So, again it's like choosing the path that will make me happy with myself will cause others to shun me and reject me. It's a hard fact to deal with.
Quote from: Misato on July 25, 2013, 10:18:15 PM
Hey LTL,
I do think as you, we, transition it brings out an authenticity in us that other people can gravitate toward. I know I've lamented some bad experiences I've had of late on this forum but, just Wednesday I had a very nice chat with one of my co-workers as I drove us to the grocery store so I could pick up lunch (she's fasting for Ramadan). Before I left I sent out an e-mail saying, "Anyone wanna tag along?" and she said yes. I've had a chain of experiences like that going back to a time before I even started therapy which makes me think we have reason to be careful that we're not projecting our own fears onto other people.
- I went as me to this group at school for Trans people (this was before I started therapy) and I said, "I don't take the bus here because I might make other people uncomfortable." And the others just looked at me, dumbfounded. So, what the heck I thought, I went for the bus and this little kid came up to me and said, "Excuse me miss, would you like to buy..." I forget what he was selling but he gendered me right! And I had an uneventful bus ride home.
- There was a Russian Orthodox woman I befriended who studied with me and whose husband gave me lifts back to my apartment at night. This was during my RLE so I wasn't close to being on hormones yet. Not that I pass today... But my point is, they didn't care.
Anyway, it does seem there are a lot of cisgendered people who don't care what you look like, they care about who you are. I think, I hope, that extends to love too. My SO is still with me despite me looking less masculine.
As someone who doesn't pass all I can say is life remains better than before. Hard, but still better. Heck, I'm sober! Even though my stress has increased, my desire for a drink continues to plummet. :) So while not passing is not ideal, life can still be much better than before.
On the employment front, the upper, upper management at my employer has a 1980's mentality when it comes to LGBT issues, hence my insurance woes. But! My immediate management gave me a sentiment card to let me know they applicate my effort and a $100 gift card because they feel bad about my insurance situation and, yes, because I'm a far more talented engineer than they thought they were hiring. Those gestures may not have solved my insurance issue, but they do tell me these people care about me.
Family. If they're pushing you away because they don't want to see you transition, I suspect they've done enough damage to you and you'll be better off without them.
LTL, from what I've seen of you here you seem like a really nice and wonderful person. Bet on that, grow it. I think it's your key to finding a solution to all the problems you see or fear that are coming.
Thanks Misato. I guess hindsight is 20/20 and those of us starting out will lack the proper perspective needed. It's all the unknowns that scare me, but I suppose the only cure for that is pushing on with confidence.
Quote from: Donna Elvira on July 25, 2013, 11:22:54 PM
LtL, No matter what you want, at any particular point in time this has to be confronted with what you can actually do. Otherwise, you end out in a fantasy world. So yes, all the obstacles, roadblocks etc that you mention are real but they exist for lots of other people too.
Overall, I would suggest that if it is clear in your mind where you want to go, make a plan and start working to it. It might take a long time to get there but the extraordinary thing about actually making a plan is that the notion of time changes completely. If my objective is to get a medical degree I know from the outset that it will take x years and that it will be a really hard slog. However, since I know that to begin with, in spite of the difficulties I have a reason for sticking to it. Actually just writing this reminds me of yet another book I read years ago called "Man's search for meaning" by a guy called Viktor Frankl: http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-ebook/dp/B001KQZ7I8/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374810252&sr=1-1&keywords=viktor+frankl (http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-for-Meaning-ebook/dp/B001KQZ7I8/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374810252&sr=1-1&keywords=viktor+frankl)
The basic idea that is developed is that if you if you have a good enough reason to want something you will find the means to achieve it and just knowing that you are on the road towards your goal already changes the way you perceive your day to day life. When you have no purpose, when nothing in your life has any meaning, it can just feel like an endless struggle. When you do have a purpose and there is meaning behind what you are going through, the realities on the ground are still the same but it feels very different and far more acceptable. You actually say as much yourself in the following phrase "The idea of transitioning has brought me immnense happiness rhatbi don't want to give up." You already know what you need to do, you just don't quite know how to get there yet.
Regarding that, I never suggested you give up by the way. I just suggested it might not be the most important thing for you to do right now but only you can work that out and, as I have said a few times before, no matter what your choice, then accept that you have to live with it, at least for a certain amount of time.
Last comment on a far more practical level. Two years ago, I had no idea whether I could pass successfully which for me was also key to transitioning.I had a really masculine face. Thanks to HRT and even more so, FFS, I now pass without any problem. I was able to do the FFS because I earn enough money to pay for it and that it because I invested seriously in my education when I was pretty much your age. At 23 years of age I went back to school for 6 years, used all my savings, worked all my vacations, weekends etc.. to get myself through but actually ended out in a pretty good place.
So, looking at your situation, at least one of the alternatives you are facing is rushing to the finishing line now ie. transitioning immediately and damn the consequences or taking a more long term view of things, putting yourself in a position where you on more solid ground re. work, finances etc...so that you have more control over your life. That is what I am referring to when I say you need a plan.
Not making a choice is also a choice by the way but one which generally leads to other people making choices for you. At the end of the day, it's your call!
Warm regards.
Donagh
I know what you mean Donna. I should be developing a better plan on how to accomplish this financially. I am taking care of these things as best I can at the moment. However, I don't think there is a way to make a plan on how to pass, to get others to accept you for who you are and to not judge you. Most of this is out of our hands. I know we talk about hormones this, FFS that, but that only does so much in terms of passing. There are never any guarantees. Having money is great and it can allow one to invest in their transition but even all the money in the world can't make you pass. Besides I have no plan on FFS. I have been told I don't need it, and I would never get work done on my face. It's too frightening to me. For the most part, passing is something that is out of our hands. We are either lucky with the results we get or we aren't. I'm just frightened that I won't get decent or okay results. I don't think there is a plan we can make to pass. That's what scares me. What if the hormones don't work? There isn't anything I can do about that. That's what makes me hopeless about it. And the same can be said about societal reactions. I can't plan how everyone else sees me. If they judge me or see me as a weirdo because of my trans status, then that is how they will see me. The fear is not having control over my own future because much of these aspects are out of my hands.
Quote from: JLT1 on July 25, 2013, 11:38:54 PM
LTL,
I am saddened by your worries. They are normal, but they still make me sad. Often, in my life, I have found that my worst fears do not come true but they have led me to do better planning (a silver lining!). I hope this is the case for you. Having said that, I'm glad you are still on-line.
There is no way that I know that would allow anyone to predict the effect of HRT. I have seen some people go through dramatic changes. Hey, I went though dramatic changes. I know I will need some FFS. But before HRT, even FFS couldn't have made me look feminine. I know, I checked....that would have been tough (and expensive!) to even get close. Now, hey, it's possible! My facial bone structure is one big reason I have lived a life that has mostly consisted of going through the motions, not really living it. In no way do I recommend that option...
I have also found that transitioning can boost confidence and with confidence come "like-ability". Transitioning brings new experiences (both good and bad). You should be the same person but there is a lot to be said for being comfortable in your own skin. That, in turn, affects the way you interact with people.
What are you studying? Does the University of Chicago (U of C) have a good program??? (for some reason, that one came to mind first). How about MIT??? Cal Tech??? UNC Chapel Hill??? University of MN??? I know people at those schools. I don't know anyone at any school in NY.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope confidence will come with transitioning.
I was a political science major. My goal is to study Comparative Politics in grad school, but sometimes I consider political psychology. I have to make up my mind soon,lol.
Quote from: Sephirah on July 26, 2013, 12:39:24 AM
From the tone of your posts, it sounds to me like you already have enough roadblocks in your life, brought on by your own feelings about being forced to live as someone you're not. How it makes you feel about interacting with people, and forming connections.
Short of being practical, something I'm not super well known for. I'm going to suggest a few things, perhaps of a more esoteric nature.
First of all, I'm not sure that transition is the cause of the fears you have. It's a symptom, sure, but... hmm... I wonder if it's more a twofold fear of the unknown, and of losing control. What I mean by that is... your posts give a lot of importance to how other people will treat you or what they will think. What if they do this, or think that, or say the other? That unpredictability. Uncertainty. And the second part to that is a fear that these reactions are based on something you have very little control over. And can't get away from.
Knowing you're going to have to face something, and being afraid of it, is a different sort of apprehension than not knowing what you're going to face. When you know what's going to happen, you can prepare for it, and plan accordingly, and try to minimise the risk as much as you can. Fear of the unknown is a more pervasive, and invasive apprehension. It gives your mind free reign to come up with every possible spanner that can be thrown in the works of what you want to do.
Unfortunately it's also the most common fear that nearly all of us face at one time or another. I think mainly because we try and assimilate way too many variables in one go, and it all becomes a confusing mess of interrelated "What if's" that lead to the mind thinking "Oh hell no, this is just a house of cards just waiting to topple over." Perhaps a start on the path to dealing with this fear is to concentrate your attention more in the present, than the future. Take on the issues one at a time rather than trying to deal with everything at once and predict every possible outcome.
The fears you listed in your first post. Examine them one at a time.
Fear number one. The fear of being alone. You wonder if people would want anything to do with you once you transition. Something strikes me, when reading your second post. How you feel now, about socialising and interacting. You say that you find it difficult to socialise and impossible to date. So... forgive me if I'm missing something, but what exactly would be lost if you transitioned? As far as I can see, with the way you feel even thinking about transitioning, you're giving yourself the tools to feel better about yourself, to feel more secure in yourself, and a stronger base to actually go out and socialise with people, and maybe find that special someone.
Which makes me wonder, is it more the fear that the choice won't be yours to make? Like... you feel that at the moment, you have control over who you socialise with, or date. You could if you want to, but you don't want to because you feel uncomfortable playing a role you know isn't you. And that were that choice given to other people, they may reject you and there wouldn't be anything you could do about it. And that fear of rejection, and loss of control scares you more than the thought of being alone.
If so, that fear is the one you have to deal with. It's hard, I know. But a start is the realisation that everything you want to do, you want to do for yourself. Not to please other people, or to make other people like you. The realisation, and affirmation that you are doing it to make you feel better about yourself. Believe it or not, when you feel better about yourself, and start being more confident within yourself, this actually affects the way other people respond to you. Looks are less important than charisma and attitude. That's not to say it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter, that's for sure. But feeling good about yourself has the added benefit that you want to make more of an effort in your appearance rather than just thinking "Yeah, whatever, I hate how I look so I don't care." And it can become a positive cycle which leads to some very unexpected results. People are more likely to care about you if you care about yourself. And if they reject you, then it may hurt, that's true, but that can be tempered somewhat by thinking whether you actually want to be associated with such superficial people, or whether you actually dodged a bullet and can find someone who isn't quite so shallow.
Also, think about it this way. What if you transition, find a bunch of friends, and even someone who loves you for who you are? How would it feel to know that you weren't being someone you're not? And that you can actually be yourself, live the way you want to live with them. Isn't that preferable to finding a bunch of folks who think they know you now but really don't have a clue, and hanging out with them just for the sake of saying you have people in your life? Rather than what if the worst happens... what if the best happens?
Fear number two. The only question I have to ask about this is... how good an actress are you? See the thing is, even if you don't change your outward appearance, people pick up on stuff. Not everyone is a knuckle-dragging gorilla that wouldn't know it was raining unless they got wet. And again, going by your second post, the way you feel now is already impacting your life. Enough for people who don't know, to suspect that something is wrong? I understand your fear. And... well, I can't say it's going to be okay. Because I've been in a situation where it was very not okay. But what I will say is this. You're already hiding from them, just... in a different way.
Fear number three. Firstly, if your family are unhappy about you doing this, then they're not going to tell you that you're going to be a supermodel. So perhaps it would be wise to take comments about whether you will or won't pass with a grain of salt. As much as I don't care for the word, I don't think passing is all about looks. As I've already mentioned, feeling more confident and happy within yourself is a big step towards being who you want to be, and wanting to express that in the best way you can. And sure, maybe some of it is your physical appearance, but hell women have a thousand and one tips and tricks to seemingly work magic on every part of your body. So I'm not at all sure it will be as hard as you think, or fear it will be.
Unfortunately, short of befriending Doc Brown, and somehow being able to snag a DeLorean to take you into the future, you can't know how it will turn out. But there are loads of things you can do to give yourself the best chance at being happy. Compared to the one thing you have to do to keep feeling this way... I'd say the balance is in going for it.
You won't be able to control other people and how they see you, but you will, perhaps for the first time, be able to control yourself and how you see you.
This was a great post. I DO care deeply about what others think of me. I'm very self conscious and have always desired to have the approval of other people. When I don't have it, it tortures me. The idea that I won't have any control over that, nor do I at this moment, is very scary. My mom was telling me today that I'm going to get assaulted and people will vandalize our house. While that sounds like fear mongering, it does happen. People aren't very friendly to the trans community. If one can't blend, then they may face more rejection and societal hostility. It sucks. And this is what frightens me. Constantly be the outcast and having everyone hate me for being trans. I also get scared people will laugh at me and judge me in general if I don't pass. In that scenario, I will forever be a societal reject. I guess I need to learn to get over this. I just wish I knew how.
Quote from: stavraki on July 26, 2013, 12:51:24 AM
U know what I really loved as I read--ur just candid. Straight up about fear, shame, social isolation and thats so refreshing.
I can't speak for the whole world, only for myself. There are at least two transgendered men I've know in my personal world who I would be more than happy to date. Hot. And really beautiful human beings. Of course, as same sex attracted, there would need to be the mutual attraction. The genital things is not bother for me for there is a journey with the person and all that gets worked out where love is the guiding force. Transcends genital configurations.
About friendships and family -- that's a big question. Speaking personally. I've found that where others are willing to grow and go on a journey with us -- that's the special friendships: worth the pain shame fear and feelings of threat that go with transforming a friendship. It's what to do with the unwilling that's so so hard. Goodbye forever -- grief and lost love. But when to walk and when to stay? I don't know -- the pain threshold for each of us is different. And sometimes one of us quits when the other hasn't. And right there is where much human pain emerges I relationships.
Kind regards stav
On the family front, I am pretty much in some kind of purgatory. I have always been close with my family and to lose that relationship has been hard. And I'm scared things won't improve.
Quote from: iiii on July 26, 2013, 01:30:46 AM
That only works for specific people, not everyone can set up a goal and then simply move towards it.
It's easier to repress yourself before you've ever expressed yourself or taken steps that you want, once you've started it might become next to impossible to fully repress yourself again.
Well anyway...
1. I don't think you'd end up alone, that nobody would date you... but it might end up not being the way you want to. Same with friends, I'm sure you can get them, but you might not like the crowd you get.
2. Fear of rejection is fairly normal, and if you really value the people you might have to face that fear and come out to them. Personally though, I don't value the "friendships" I had, so for me it's less of a rejection of fear, and more that I don't want to deal with them. I suppose it's good to know why you want to run away from them, if it's because you fear their rejection or because you'd rather not want to be with them, changing sex/gender is a pretty big thing that will change your friendship somewhat too...
It's perfectly possible to hide btw, I've been hiding for 3 years now, and nobody knows anything.
3. Really I think this is your real fear, everything is bound to this. If you pass fear nr.1 wouldn't exist, if you pass fear nr.2 might be lessened, as you could easily fill your life with other people and have support from them instead.
Only way I see to overcome this fear is by self-defeatism, to assume you'll never pass but find reasons to be happy anyway. I really don't like that solution though, as it's compromising a big part of yourself. Otherwise, you can't know if you'll pass or not, I suppose you could form an idea about it, but it's not certain. The best you can do is to start saving up money, since surgery is almost a guaranteed way to passing. It may sound like an impossible sum of money, but you might not need full FFS from dr.speigel to pass, maybe you only need rhinoplasty or forehead work, or maybe you won't need any surgery at all to pass.
So, if you're able to, aim to set up a safety net, as in money. If you can't do that, then it becomes harder... then you'll just have to live with things and hope you end up passing, there's really nothing else to do in that case.
I suppose if you could find something else to concentrate on it could become easier, but really that could be extremely hard to find, depending on how you function.
I've been told that I won't need FFS and I have no plans with going through it. I guess my fear of not passing comes with the fact that I'm still early in my transition. I just am afraid the hormones will have no effect and I won't appear as female to others. But this is probably my own negative attitude defeating me.
Quote from: PiaBianca on July 26, 2013, 01:53:38 AM
First off, I'm absolutely happy that there are others with similar fears as I have.
That pretty much sounds like a fear every genetic girl knows as well (at least as far as I know). They are too tall, too little, too fat, too slim... You get the point. That said, I still understand that your case is special as you change your gender. But still, that's only a physical aspect of you, isn't it? There are genetic girls with beards. Do they get a partner? There are tomboys, do they get a partner? As you will be kinda spectacle while you transition, you won't be afterwards. You might not be Pamela Anderson, you won't be the "perfect" girl. But you will be a girl and isn't that waht you want?
Where I live there is a consulting service for transsexuals. And even if I didn't do anything else since then, I was there for mentoring. The transwomen that mentored me told me that it would be hard for family, but friends would accept it without any problems most of the time. Her rule of thumb was: The more genetically related the more problems. So if your family already knows, the major part is done. As MTF, your mother will have the hardest time.
You will pass eventually. As I was told the older you are the more equally the genders look like. (You could say: the more crinkles the less differences.) So while your body will feminize more and more with each year of transitioning, nature will help you as much.
I know that you didn't mean that, but you will never be the girl of your fantasy and neither are genetic girls. You'll eventually be a girl, but it wont be that of your fantasy; that's nothing even a genetic girl can achieve.
I know that things won't ever be perfect. I just want things to come out okay. Right now I have been on hrt for 40 something days and haven't had any results. Granted, its been a low dose of estradiol without spiro (I just increased my e dosage and started spiro this week), but it's very scary to not know how I will turn out. I probably fear to much, but it's where I am right now.
Yes, family is the most difficult thing. My mom can attest for that.
Quote from: Cindy. on July 26, 2013, 04:02:43 AM
It is always interesting to see how common many of our fears are, and how we respond to them.
As many of you know I'm 'old' don't pass, never will, can't be in stealth.
I'm not a young chick with her life ahead.
Will I be alone?
Funny I have been lonely my entire life. When I transitioned I suddenly found heaps of friends, including a guy who liked me. We sort of started a relationship which hit me from blindside.
I couldn't leave the people who knew me. I was amazed that in fact that they joined me. I did not expect that. I have lost one colleague, who (sadly) is now being rejected by his fellow colleagues for his inability to accept me. A situation I find interesting.
I don't pass. Can't. As a young woman you will. It has not affected my life in anyway at all; to my total surprise.In fact now use it as a positive, if you want to know a celebrity I'm her.
Society is growing up. I know what it was like 50 years ago. Believe me it is growing up and more accepting by an awful lot.
And the more trans*men and trans*woman stand up and be counted the more accepting it is.
Finally it is hard. It isn't easy. But it is doable.
The alternative is misery.
Of that I can assure you.
Cindy
I guess it's hard to see the progress that has been made for me. I know that there has been progress, but people are still close minded. How close minded? I don't know. I'm finally learning the true feelings people hold about our community among those who are close in my life. So far, the reaction hasn't been very warm. Will that change? I hope, but I don't know. It's tough to see those you love hold fairly bigoted ideas on our community. When taking that into account, one must think that the rest of society will be even more vicious than those who love you. Maybe I am painting a dark picture in my mind, but this is my fear. I do appreciate the positive experience you have and it does comfort me. I hope I will find it the same way in due time.
Quote from: Dreams2014 on July 26, 2013, 04:33:55 AM
LtL I can really relate to many parts of your first post. I have next to no friends myself, I am isolated and I worry that when I finally take the steps to begin a transition I wonder if the people who are left in my life would accept me. I often think that I'd just let them go and start again, it would be easier.
I can't offer you any encouragement or advice about coming out to your family and friends as I'm nowhere near that stage myself and there are people here who are in a much, much better position to give you advice.
So I guess what I am trying to say is, I know it must be incredibly difficult but you're not alone in your troubles.
Thank you for your support and encouragement. Even though I have fears, I don't regret this decision. So, I hope that comforts you about making your start.
Quote from: Donna Elvira on July 26, 2013, 12:32:50 PM
Hi iiii
I never suggested you can set up a goal and "then simply move towards it". However it has been proven over and over again that individual and organisations that have clearly set goals achieve far more than those who do not. When there is clarity of purpose, when you know why you are doing what you are doing, the obstacles and hassles of day to day existance are far easier to handle. However just having an objective is not enough, you also need to do some planning. In LtL's case for example, if getting money to do an FFS is the biggest issue so she's feels more comfortable about passing, (as you suggest in point 3 of your post) what's the best way of going about it given where she is now?
Regarding your second point I agree with you, up to a point, but I never suggested LtL repress herself. LtL or any of us are who we are and most of us have been aware of who we are for quite some time before deciding to transition. Some people, as evidenced by lots of other posts on this site, decide never to transition at all, in spite of being very aware of their condition and/or put things off until there are less obstacles to overcome. It is based on an implicit trade off between the cost of a transition, at a given point in time, and the expected benefits.
I can be quite poetic at times but this is a subject which is deadly serious especially when you are 24 years old with all of your life ahead of you. I have kids that are in the same age bracket as LtL and to be frank, I would go nuts with frustration if they sacrificed their ability to live their full potential as human beings for short term gain. Happily for me they haven't!
Personally, much later on in my life with that much less to lose than someone as young as LtL, (far more of my life behind me than in front of me) I still took it very easy with my transition because I still did not want the cure to be worse than the disease. As it happens, from every point of view it appears to me that LtL is asking herself exactly that question ie. when all is said and done, is it worth transitioning?
I didn't get into the relationship side of things because it would have made my replies, written late in the evening and very early in the morning far too long. However I really buy into Sephirah's answer which was probably more eloquant that anything I would have come up with. Positive relationships with others start with self acceptance. However, I think you can reach self acceptance without doing a transition, it simply means accepting that being TG is not something to feel any shame about and just feeling OK to be youself. It was certainly the case for me and a necessary first step before even considering transition. I could also add that this self acceptance opened the door for me to get into the most positive relationship in my life, my second mariage. I was honest about who I was from day 1 but that did not lead to rejection and our relationship has only grown stronger over the years.
Another thing that helps dramatically in terms of self esteem and the feeling that you have some control over your existance is financial independance.
So I focused on the practical side of things because no matter what our feelings we have regarding our identity, just surviving, being able to pay the bills, has got to come before anything else. So, if I was LtL, that is what I would focus on today, even if it means putting her transition on the backburner for a while.
End of the day though, it is all LtL's choice. All we can do is help clarify the questions that need to be asked, ideally in a level headed manner.
Warm regards.
Donna
Well, I am focused on today and don't believe transitioning will only be a short term gain. Transitioning is something I need to do, so I see it as part of my long term plan for happiness. All my other plans are still in gear (like my goal of going to grad school). The problem is that I can't control how others will react to my transition. And this won't change if I do it today or years down the road. You are right that I need to work on my self confidence. That is something I am working on in therapy. But my main issues in life have always been related to my dysphoria. I can't detach myself from it when the problems stem from it. It isn't something I can live with for years down the road. Overall, my main fear right now is how others will see me and whether I will be able to live through constant rejection (if that is what I go through). No amount of planning can solve that. At least, not to my
knowledge. Though, I do acknowledge I need to learn to be okay with rejection and self reliant regardless of how others view me once I start trying to pass. Which is why I am in therapy,lol.
Quote from: HM on July 26, 2013, 02:47:23 PM
First, I just want to say, what a wealth of heartfelt insight and wisdom on this page. What a help it could have been to me, many years ago, but definitely a huge help now.
LtL, you and I have both been on hormones about the same amount of time, and seem to have many of the same fears. One difference, I'm more than twice your age. You are already so far ahead of me. Please understand that what I say below is directed as much to myself as to you or anyone else.
I too fear what others will think, how they will react. My family and the few friends I have all live far away, so basically I'm alone also. I sometimes think I'll just disappear, and they'll never hear from me again. Then I think, no, I can't do that, eventually, they'll wonder what happened to him?
I also think about relationships and usually just say I'm done with them. What I should say though is I don't want to be used and hurt yet another time. But I do wonder, being a woman and not being attracted to men, it's the unknown that I fear.
Passing. I observe women around me whenever I'm in stores or malls and I'm amazed. Most of the women I see dress sloppily, take up more space than they should etc. The women that stand out (to me) are the few that dress, and act like women and show some class. I think we all give passing far too much emphasis. I know I need to learn to smile back at people who stare, something I feel will come with experience. (I hope)
Does it really matter what others think? Do they live our lives? No they live their lives, we live our lives. So, we need to plan our lives for us and us only. Then, and only then will be able to have the true confidence to project onto others which will bring us new friends, possible relationships. And we must have a plan. I don't believe in goals, they are either too limiting or set too high. Plans are essential though. Plan YOUR life FOR YOU.
When I was young I had no plan so I let others control me. I hated myself and tried to hide under drugs and alcohol, twenty years of my life. You must have a plan and live your own life.
Is transitioning really for you? Only you can answer that question, but it seems to me (maybe) you already have. For myself, I have no choice, I have finally accepted that, and I know that my only choice is to go forward. I cannot go back.
Remember Indiana Jones, standing on the edge of that chasm? He had done his research, and he knew there was a path across to the other side. But he couldn't see it. It took great courage, faith, and confidence, but he took that first step. And yes, there was a path. You and I have done our research, we know there's a path to the other side. We know it because of all the others who have traversed the path before us, many right here at Susan's. But you and I can't see that path, we don't know what we'll face along the way, so it's hard. Dr David Hawkins said in one of his books (don't remember which) "Life is hard, the average person has to make seventy plus decisions every single day, and many days it's well over a hundred."
It isn't easy, but, I think it can be kind of an adventure too. We just have to stay focused, and stick to our plan.
I hope this helps at least a little.
Take care!
I see what you mean about planning in most aspects, but how can we plan how others perceive us? Do we really have control in the matter? If someone dislikes transwomen and we don't pass, isn't it beyond our ability to change this person's mind. I guess my fear is that I will face many people like that. Hostile people who will continuously reject me. Perhaps that is a false image, which I hope, but that's my big concern. If the world were all hugging and accepting of us, I would have no problem; however, I don't think we are anywhere near there. Yet, I do acknowledge it's probably no where near as bad as I imagine.
I really wish me and you could just get out around people together. I would show you that what people think does not matter. I have been in your shoes or the been there done that and have the t shirt. Just a FYI everything you are feeling are what the thousands that have gone before you and the millions who will come after you will be feeling and have the same fears. I was among them. I have found you need to get a little thicked skin in a hurry if you wish to make your path a easier path traveled. Trust me it is and will be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but there is a happy light at the end of the tunnel. Every fear you have i had, but i failled to let PEOPLE live my life for me any more. There is not one person in this world who has the right to stop me from being happy about myself, and the same goes for YOU. Everyone who does not accept do it out of there own fears of what others will think or might think about them and they then will turn this onto you and make you seem the bad person. All this so they do not feel hurt but at the sametime its all ok for you to be hurting deeply inside. When i first read your post last night i got very emotional knowing i was there and survived all the nay sayers. As i said this will be the hardest, hardest thing you will do in your life and it might come down to loosing people close to you. Going to hurt but trust me the gender dysphoria you can not surpress all your life (also been there done that) and that will hurt even more.
As anyone know you get out of life what you put into it. Nothig is every cut and dry and yes we do not live in a cookie cutter society, everyone is different in there own way and we need to stop judging others. I have been at this since 1999 full time since 2005 finished and dusted this past April. I do not give a rats @ss what people might think of me because they do not walk in my shoes everyday. I make myself happy for me and not them. and if they do not understand they there loss.
Just a quick my life timeline
started part time dressing in public, felt everyone looking at me, was not true just Paranoia. (was called mam can i help you) un-unnessary fear.
my x also keeped saying you will loose everything if you go full time, ie kids, her, job, family, be along all your life, no money..... all the normal fears.
i went full time Jan 2005 and never looked back, well out of my x's list the only thing out of that list i lost was her. Thing is i remarried in 2006 to someone who does not judge me. so to my x i would say I win (grs april this year)
It all came down to me not giving up on myself. Not caring what others think, keep working on things one at a time and not giving into what others want or wish. But i have cried many, many times. Felt like total crap many, many time but i refused to let society live my life for me....
Huge hug Girl. Keep your head held high. Do not give up on you.
I was picking up a script ( pharmacy is in the gayborhood next to my LGBTQ family health center) today and while driving through the Gayborhood in Philadelphia. I saw a very tall Trans* girl, pretty, with a bright yellow tight shirt, high tight shorts, awesome legs and her guy next to her. I also saw two guys great each other with a kiss on the lips. It was on a busy street corner. No one cared. It could be because it is a common occurrence or it expected there or no one cares. I just felt good being there. Odd to explain, other than I fit in.
I saw a lot of people going through their lives being themselves and happy.
I too am apprehensive of how others see me now (present male), will see me and how I will see myself through their eyes. I understand your fears and I feel better being myself than someone else. How I will look and present, I do not know, but I intend to find out.
I hope you can find a place where you too can feel good.
LTL,
Your fears are the same fears that many, if not all, of us have had about transitioning. I recently went full time with only 3 months of HRT under my belt and I was deathly afraid of not passing. I've felt ready to go full time for awhile now and never had the courage until my therapist gave me a much need push. Apparently I had nothing to worry about because according to the Do I Look Female thread, I do pass. Yeah that's me and not you but the point is that I didn't think I'd ever pass, I've even considered de-transitioning because I was so afraid I wouldn't pass. I've never been happier than I have since going full time.
Have you ever really looked at the average cis woman's face? One of the things that helped me build up some optimism was that most cis women have what can be considered masculine qualities. I imagine that these women never had their femininity questioned or at least not on a daily basis; it's possible to pass even with strong masculine qualities.
Will you ever really, truly know if you pass? There are some drop dead gorgeous women on this site that still see a man staring back at them in the mirror. Yet when I see them, it's like, how can you not see how beautiful you are? So in your mind, you may never pass. I think if you feel like you need to transition then you need to transition and try not to sweat the little things. Who knows, even if you end up not passing, you may not care at that point and be happy being your authentic self?
As for the relationships in your life, future or current. You may find that your family is so opposed to your transition because they're afraid of losing the person they love. With my situation, I had been with my wife for 16 years when I came out to her 7 months ago and her initial reaction was wanting a divorce, keeping our kids from ever seeing me until they reach 18 and to kick me out of the house. Let me tell you something, none of that stuff has happened yet and recently I've gotten her to admit that she wants to stay married to me and make things work even with my transition still going forward. It's still up in the air but still it's an improvement. Now your parents and siblings are a different story but you may find that your family will come to accept you for who you are, you may not but it does take time. Maybe you can compromise and promise only to do HRT if they allow to continue living there?
No matter what, whether you're outgoing or shy, passing or not passing, you can find worthwhile relationships with people who care about who you are and not what you look like. Even if you end up being the most beautiful woman in the world, you may only find a scumbag that only wants you because you're attractive and treats you poorly. There are a lot of "what ifs" in all of these scenarios but if you're too afraid to do what you feel needs to be done then all of the positive changes that you
could make in your life will always remain what ifs, along with any negative changes. You're the only one that can really decide what you need to do to make your life better.
As for fear #2, you can leave everything/everyone behind if you really feel that you need to and have a fresh start, only keeping the people from your old life who accept you for who you are in your life. However, like everything else, people might surprise you. After going full time I realized that I finally needed to come out to my in-laws. My father-in-law is extremely anti-LGBT and my mother-in-law isn't really anti-LGBT but tries not to concern herself with things that pertain to us. When I came out to them, they said if that's what I need to do to make myself happy then they were fully supportive of me. I was afraid to come out to them for a long time and like many other things the only thing I had to fear was fear itself. Once again, it may not go as well for you but then again it might as well or better. Don't let your fears get the better of you and keep you from doing what you feel like you need to do.
Fear #3, I know this is going to be very difficult but try to have some optimism. Don't let your fears, especially things you can't control (this goes for anything that goes with transitioning), eat away at you; you end up being your own worst enemy. Right now you're young, the only people that have more likelihood of passing better than you are trans kids that start HRT before puberty starts. The younger you are, the better the chances are that you'll get good results. Of course with everything else YMMV but you have for more to look forward to than you do in fearing what might or might not be.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 03:19:51 PM
My family always tells me I will never look the way I hope.
I absolutely hate that your family is doing this. However, try to understand that they always saw you as a man and are most likely afraid of losing you which is why they don't want you to be around them while transitioning. Understanding that, my wife and teenage son are exactly the same way, they still tell me that I look like a man. Yet if I ask anyone else, whether it's friends, family (aside from them), complete strangers or other women from this site, they all say I pass. Who should I believe? I'm going to believe the people with the least amount of bias and understand that my wife and son can't see me for who I am because they would feel better if I would just be a man. The problem with that is, I'm a woman and anyone that doesn't like it can deal with it; I'm transitioning for me not them. This is all easier said that done but try to ignore the toxic people and move on with your life.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 25, 2013, 03:19:51 PM
I guess I fear that my life will only get worse. As much as I want this and feel I HAVE to do this, I don't know how to get through it or if doing so will make things better... All my problems will exist and running away won't allow my fears to be solved. But then what do tou do if you can't solve them? If I don't pass, they will persist and even get worse.
**trigger warning**This is more of what I said before, you can't let your fear rule your life, a lesson I still have to learn myself regarding many things. If you don't try to do what you feel you need to in order to make yourself happy, you'll always be miserable. If I listened to my wife about my transition, especially early on, I wouldn't be transitioning today and most likely would have killed myself; which I've come very close to doing in the past few months. Now I couldn't be happier with who I am, despite what anyone else thinks.
**end of trigger warning**I hope I didn't sound preachy or anything, just trying to relate my experiences as a fellow woman in transition. I hope you find a way to achieve the happiness that you deserve, no matter what that ends up being. :)
And sorry for the long post, didn't realize I typed that much. ::)
Quote from: learningtolive on July 26, 2013, 07:34:32 PM
I know what you mean Donna. I should be developing a better plan on how to accomplish this financially. I am taking care of these things as best I can at the moment. However, I don't think there is a way to make a plan on how to pass, to get others to accept you for who you are and to not judge you. Most of this is out of our hands. I know we talk about hormones this, FFS that, but that only does so much in terms of passing. There are never any guarantees. Having money is great and it can allow one to invest in their transition but even all the money in the world can't make you pass. Besides I have no plan on FFS. I have been told I don't need it, and I would never get work done on my face. It's too frightening to me. For the most part, passing is something that is out of our hands. We are either lucky with the results we get or we aren't. I'm just frightened that I won't get decent or okay results. I don't think there is a plan we can make to pass. That's what scares me. What if the hormones don't work? There isn't anything I can do about that. That's what makes me hopeless about it. And the same can be said about societal reactions. I can't plan how everyone else sees me. If they judge me or see me as a weirdo because of my trans status, then that is how they will see me. The fear is not having control over my own future because much of these aspects are out of my hands.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope confidence will come with transitioning.
I was a political science major. My goal is to study Comparative Politics in grad school, but sometimes I consider political psychology. I have to make up my mind soon,lol.
LtL
I'm sorry but based on actual personal experience I don't agree with very much of what you say above. When I started out on my own journey, I had pretty well all the same fears as you expressed in the first post on this thread; rejection by all , losing my job, never passing etc. etc.. So, since I am a pretty down to earth, practical sort of person, I thought about how I could go about things in a manner which allowed me to handle both my own fears and the fears of those who were closely connected to me. I also thought a lot about what being a woman meant to me. There is a specific thread on this somewhere else on this forum.
The very first conclusion that I came to was that I would only transition if I was very credible as a woman ie. I passed without any difficulty. I am far too much of a social being to be able to handle isolation and rejection so, both for my own pleasure and the comfort of those who count in my life, if I was going to live full time as a woman, I was going to look the part. By the way, all of this thinking really started taking shape in 2008! That by the way is the sort of thing I am talking about when I refer to clarity of purpose and having clear objectives, nothing more.
So when I started HRT in 2008 only one person in the world other than myself was aware of all of this, my wife. This was also a very important point for me. I came out to almost no one until I was absolutely sure of where I wanted to go. This was also my deal with my wife, it was our little secet.
Physically, the only thing I had going for me was a very slim build with quite anrrow shoulders for a guy and pretty good skin. Otherwise, I was as masculine in appearance as you can find and am tall even for a guy, about 6' 1".
At the physical level, apart from growing nice size breasts, improving my skin, eliminating all my body hair and some fat redistribition, HRT did nothing spectacular for me, especially to my face. Very much a realist, I had started looking at FFS from the outset and finally decided to do something about it in 2011, 3 years after starting HRT. Up until this point I had still spoken to no one about my intentions other than my wife so this meant I still had plenty of wiggle room depending on how things worked out. Regarding FFS, I also decided to do it in two steps so that the changes were gradual. In July 2011 I did the typical upper face procedures; forehead, rhino, cheek implants, blepharoplasties... I also came out to my kids who could simply not not notice these changes.I explained my projects but also told them that I would only see it all through if the end result allowed me to continue functioning pretty normally in society. This reassured them, as it has reassured my wife from the beginning, and I didn't confront them with anything more radical than that until autumn 2012 when they finally got to see me presenting as as woman. They are now comfortable enough with what they see that they have no issue introducing me to friends...Mostly recently, my 20 year old daughter came to stay with me for a few days with her best friend leading to some very interesting and amusing conversations on women's place in business as both are in business schools.
After my first FFS surgery, I told my friends that I had simply done a rhino and bleph as I had always hated my nose, a real honker. Since no one could imagine for a second what I was really doing, my story was believed.
Since the 1st phase of my FFS worked out very well, during the winter 2011-12 I finally decided I was going to see all of this through so from early 2012 I finally started to come out to my closest friends.
Summer 2012 I came out at work and announced my intention to do lower face FFS. Initially my employers were OK with this agreeing that I could go full time when working in the office but would still present male to our clients until we were all happy that I was credible living openly as a woman. Unfortunately, one or two people (this was a very small managment consulting firm) were clearly very uncomfortable with this and end Oct 2012 I was told I was being terminated. I was 55 at the time and this news was pretty devastating. I thought my life was over and felt huge distress about having brought this on the people I love, most of all my wife. The few weeks following this were probably among the most dfficult in my life. Happily, I had one little branch I could still cling on to, the consulting job I was then doing (presenting as a guy) was going really well and there was an open position I thought i was very well qualified for. I told the GM about my interest for the position and the rest is history, I got the job and moved seamlessly from my previous position to where I am now.
I started in my new position still presenting as a guy ( a temporary backward step) but with a more and obviously female appearance as the results from my second FFS surgery settled (plus hair implants I did last Dec). I came out to my boss one month after I started in my new job and we agreed to leave the subject aside until we knew each other better ie. we would rediscuss in the autumn.
As it happens,beginning July, my boss took the intiative of telling me that he thought it over a lot and finally he was OK to support my transition and even put all of his weight behind it to ensure I suffered no discrimination at any level because of it. He didn't do this because of my good looks or whatever :), he did this because he appreciated what I have brought to the job and believes it could be even better if I am allowed to be fully myself.
So this week I came out individually to all of my colleagues on the management team and what do you think happened? They mostly expressed relief that they finally understood the "mystery" behind my appearance, that they had already picked up on the fact that I was very feminine in the way I reacted to things, the way I wrote etc..and even congratulated me on my decision to go through with this. After a chat which generally lasted 15-20 mins we then just went back to work! In French we say "il faut savoir attendre pour cueillir le fruit quand il est mur" ie. you need to know how to wait to havest a fruit when it is until ripe. That has been my approach to transition and in spite of a major setback last autumn, it has worked out better than I ever imagined.
However, based on my previous experience, I still won't be fully comfortable that I am at the end of this journey until I am out to everyone in the company and living day to day in my job without anyone paying any particular attention to me other than on what I bring to the party. However, compared to 5 years ago, my confidence that all of this is going to work out very well, is now extremely high.
It is probably also worth pointing out that since last year, I have come out to everyone else that counts in my life too and have been living full time in every aspect of my life except work. A bit like Cindy and others, I no longer have any complexes about saying who I am whenever necessary but, believe me, I was nowhere near being able to do any of that this time 5 years ago when I decided to set things in motion. I also allowed myself all of that time to build the confidence necessary to be able to announce to my colleagues very simply that I am Transgender, always have been and that after years of internal conflict I will be finally going the whole way sometime over the next few months. This level of confidence has also been a huge factor in the reactions I have been getting. My own sense of comfort makes others feel comfortable so that they end out sort of saying that finally it is no big deal. I also really do believe that the fact that they can see and feel the woman has helped dramatically but maybe I think that bacause it is what I have thought all along.
Anyway, when you read all of this, maybe you will understand why I say some of the things that I do and hopefully you will also get some insights that are useful to you as you try to find your own way forward.
Warmest regards.
Donna