Since coming out to my parents yesterday, I've been thinking a lot harder about the idea of fully transitioning, and what it would mean to me. But something keeps bugging me. What exactly does it mean to be a girl, and why do I even feel like I should be one to begin with?
If you're talking purely from a biological perspective, a girl is defined on a genetic level as a person with two X chromosomes, and no Y chromosome. Of course, we all know what a problematic definition that can be in practice. There are so many people out there who obviously present as female who don't meet this definition. And it's silly to make the whole thing about DNA to begin with, since actual exposure to and sensitivity to hormones is what determines how you develop.
But then how should you define a girl? This is where it gets complicated. You could say that a girl is someone who has long hair, or wears makeup, or dresses with flashy colors and styles, or wears skirts, or has a caring nurturing personality, or even has the ability to bear children. The list goes on. And yet, for any single thing you can name that identifies someone is a girl, you can name at least one girl that doesn't posses that feature. Furthermore, many of those features could apply to people who still identify as male.
So if I am saying that the identity of a girl fits me better than the identity of a boy does, what does that even mean? Does it mean I posses more feminine qualities than masculine ones? Do I just check the scales, see what side is heavier, and go with it? Does it mean that the things girls usually do come more naturally than the things boys do? Sometimes that's true, but not always. I enjoy things like cooking, but I also enjoy science and technology. For the most part I spend more time behind a computer screen that anything else. Socially, do I fit in better with girls? Most of the time I'm socially awkward no matter who it is I'm talking to. I often times find it more intimidating to talk to girls because I'm not used to it. But for girls I know well, it's much easier, and I tend to get along with them pretty well. But it's not like I can't get along talking to boys either. It really depends more on the person than the gender.
The only thing I can really say for sure is, when I look in the mirror and see a feminine face staring back, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel more confident, and it makes me feel like I'm being myself. So is that it? Is that all there is to it? Is the real reason for deciding you need to transition nothing more than being able to feel good about what you see when you look in the mirror? Is that a good reason? Is it the only reason? This has really been driving me nuts lately. It makes me feel like maybe the reason why I want to transition is just to satisfy my own sense of vanity. What do you think? Am I looking at this correctly, or am I missing something important?
Quote from: Miyuki on October 19, 2013, 06:36:07 AM
So is that it? Is that all there is to it? Is the real reason for deciding you need to transition nothing more than being able to feel good about what you see when you look in the mirror? Is that a good reason? Is it the only reason? This has really been driving me nuts lately. It makes me feel like maybe the reason why I want to transition is just to satisfy my own sense of vanity. What do you think? Am I looking at this correctly, or am I missing something important?
Transgender folks have a structure in our brains that wants us live as a different gender from the one indicated by our body sex.
That part of my brain doesn't give me a reasons.
It just tells me I need to live as a woman.
I could justify it a billion ways - the way I feel when I'm accepted as a woman, how I feel when I realize I have the breasts I've always wanted, the music of being called by a female name, etc.
But really, that's all just the result of listening to the structure in my brain that dictates my gender.
Many people try to ignore that structure for years, and a lot of them are very literally driven crazy by it. Clinical level depression, anxiety, and suicide attempts are common among those who ignore their transgender. That's how powerful it is.
I don't know if this is what you're looking for, Miyuki, but it's the way I experience it.
That is an excellent question. I personally have no real answer however it's just the person I am inside & I cannot explain it. It just feels absolutely necesary to change & improve my body into female.
Francis
I have no real idea what it means to be a real girl. All I know is that within I feel it every day and all throughout the day even though externally I'm male. I was asked that very question last night at my parents house. Then i asked them If you were deaf and blind and had no way for society to tell you who you are then how would you know who you are? They couldn't answer it without saying stereotypes that only we know and have learned over the years. Its all about how you feel on the inside IMO.
It doesn't really mean anything other than fitting a social mold that mankind has made. I'm insulted by being called a guy the same way most cis gendered females are insulted by being called a guy. The best way I can explain it to cis women is: imagine your brain and everything that makes you - you, From your personality to your ideal way to look to your body to the way you view the world, and could you imagine how embarrassed you would be if you were born in the wrong body. I usually ask them if they had a penis, would they have it removed? Every cis gendered girl basically said under their breath "yeah that sucks".
Being a girl doesn't really come down to anything other than it makes me feel comfortable to be a girl, and insulting to be a guy. Not that there's anything wrong with being a guy and NOT wanting to be a girl, but for ME, I need to be a girl because that is what I am... right down to the core of my spirit.
Oh, and for the record, when I explain it that way to women, they stop treating me like a cutesy gay guy-that's-more-girlfriend type of character that's so novel to hang around (if they were treating me that way in the first place), to treating me like any other female. I know that's not really what this thread is about, but that bit of knowledge may help many of us out in life...
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on October 19, 2013, 08:18:27 AM
It doesn't really mean anything other than fitting a social mold that mankind has made. I'm insulted by being called a guy the same way most cis gendered females are insulted by being called a guy. The best way I can explain it to cis women is: imagine your brain and everything that makes you - you, From your personality to your ideal way to look to your body to the way you view the world, and could you imagine how embarrassed you would be if you were born in the wrong body. I usually ask them if they had a penis, would they have it removed? Every cis gendered girl basically said under their breath "yeah that sucks".
Being a girl doesn't really come down to anything other than it makes me feel comfortable to be a girl, and insulting to be a guy. Not that there's anything wrong with being a guy and NOT wanting to be a girl, but for ME, I need to be a girl because that is what I am... right down to the core of my spirit.
Oh, and for the record, when I explain it that way to women, they stop treating me like a cutesy gay guy-that's-more-girlfriend type of character that's so novel to hang around (if they were treating me that way in the first place), to treating me like any other female. I know that's not really what this thread is about, but that bit of knowledge may help many of us out in life...
I guess that's sort of why I'm struggling with this decision so much. I like the idea of being a girl, but I don't always feel like one. I really hate testosterone, I enjoy having a feminine appearance, and I like being more in touch with my emotions. But I'm also too embarrassed to wear a skirt in public, have trouble getting used to feminine pronouns, and I don't really mind peeing standing up (as long as no one is standing next to me while I do it). I worry a lot about my appearance, but I don't really like wearing makeup (or at least I've never tried it). I play male oriented video games, but only if I can play as a female character. I think the problem I'm having is that while I'd like to be seen as a girl, I have trouble accepting myself as one. I'm just too used to thinking of myself as male. I always had this clear idea in my head that a girl was something I wanted to be, not something I was.
...this is why I really need to see a therapist to help me sort things out. I can't tell if I'm trying to talk myself into something I'm not comfortable with, or if I'm just holding myself back from something I really want out of fear. Maybe a little of both. The idea of going back to identifying as 100% male disgusts me, but the idea of going 100% full time as female scares me.
Well, transition as such is scary... And quoting that famous thread we have here - nobody is going to wake up one day as a girl. For many, it is very slow process, step by step, day by day, another small achievement or victory over Yourself... You dont like skirts? Fine - I bet, there are many cis-women who prefer trousers too, just because... well, because they want so - does that make them less women? Sure, not! The same about make-up - there are those who spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, and then there are those who use just a mascara and eyeliner - either because they are naturally pretty or dislike a lot of cosmetics on their face. And both still look good. They are women in all sorts of traditionally manly areas - like military, MMA, law-enforcement etc. Amazons and petite, confident and subtle, girly and tomboyish. Many of them dont fit that female stereotype and this is especially true with transgender individuāls, because in most cases they had been subjected to male social conditioning and everything feminine has been denied to them. And it is the same the other way around – things that we have learned tend to scare the sh..t out of FtM guys here – like walking into the male WC rooms, for example. But I know, that for the first time I would be scared to venture into female WC so I can understand why they are scared to go into the male one, though I think that it is still easier for them.
A good therapist might help You to sort this out, but keep in mind that a bad one might consider that You are not feminine enough for their weird standarts and thus are not transgender at all. So dont let them discourage You, because in the end – only You know the answer and since You joined this board and already posted Your picture in the MtF thread, I think we both know what it is...
Take care and be safe in Your journey!
Quote from: Miyuki on October 19, 2013, 08:51:38 AM
I guess that's sort of why I'm struggling with this decision so much. I like the idea of being a girl, but I don't always feel like one. I really hate testosterone, I enjoy having a feminine appearance, and I like being more in touch with my emotions. But I'm also too embarrassed to wear a skirt in public, have trouble getting used to feminine pronouns, and I don't really mind peeing standing up (as long as no one is standing next to me while I do it). I worry a lot about my appearance, but I don't really like wearing makeup (or at least I've never tried it). I play male oriented video games, but only if I can play as a female character. I think the problem I'm having is that while I'd like to be seen as a girl, I have trouble accepting myself as one. I'm just too used to thinking of myself as male. I always had this clear idea in my head that a girl was something I wanted to be, not something I was.
...this is why I really need to see a therapist to help me sort things out. I can't tell if I'm trying to talk myself into something I'm not comfortable with, or if I'm just holding myself back from something I really want out of fear. Maybe a little of both. The idea of going back to identifying as 100% male disgusts me, but the idea of going 100% full time as female scares me.
I felt that way at first. It really just takes soul searching to find out what you are in our cases. I was scared at first, but now it would feel beneath me in a way to go back. But you have to accept yourself for who you are - whatever you are - to be happy. There are still some days I don't feel 100% female, and when I sit in front of my computer all day and play video games, sometimes I feel guilty when I need to get up and clean or something. I find myself thinking "I'm glad nobody is watching me, they'd probably think I'm not being very girly" .. or something along those lines. But you've gotta remember, we all have vices and skeletons that embarrass us, and women are no different.
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on October 19, 2013, 09:18:11 AMAnd it is the same the other way around – things that we have learned tend to scare the sh..t out of FtM guys here – like walking into the male WC rooms, for example. But I know, that for the first time I would be scared to venture into female WC so I can understand why they are scared to go into the male one, though I think that it is still easier for them.
I've been going in them my whole life, and even I don't feel comfortable in male restrooms. I usually just go in one of the stalls if it's even remotely busy. But then I still pee standing up. ::)
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on October 19, 2013, 09:18:11 AMA good therapist might help You to sort this out, but keep in mind that a bad one might consider that You are not feminine enough for their weird standarts and thus are not transgender at all. So dont let them discourage You, because in the end – only You know the answer and since You joined this board and already posted Your picture in the MtF thread, I think we both know what it is...
Oh, believe me, I'm not ever going to be talking into questioning if I'm transgender. I may have some doubts about the actual process of transitioning, but not about that.
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on October 19, 2013, 09:18:11 AMTake care and be safe in Your journey!
Thanks, and you know, I have to say, I'm really glad I finally made an account here. More than anything else, it just feels really good to know I'm not alone with what I'm going through.
What does it mean to be a girl......
If being around men makes you uncomfortable and being around women makes you feel 'right' you might be more woman than man.
If doing things that girls predominantly seem to do and not liking things guys predominantly do, you might be more woman than man.
If you would rather look like a girl than a man, you might be more woman than man.
If you feel trapped just for being in your own skin, you might be more woman than man if you are in a male body.
All of the above can of course be switched to read the other way around just as easily.
I have been wearing a new night gown. It makes me feel good. The funny thing is, my wife and I generally are clothes optional people. I can just as easily sleep naked as she does. But, the night gown is a form of reassuring for me.
I wear jewellery more so than my wife and possibly even most women, but, it gives me a form of comfort.
Cis people don't need the reassurance, they can't escape the truth of their own bodies. My wife is so clearly 'female' to herself every time she sees herself. I don't have that pleasure.
The real question is not what does it mean to BE a girl, but, what makes YOU feel like a girl?
I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head, OP.
Whenever you try to define what makes someone a girl by any physical attributes, behavioral attributes, or biology, there are always exceptions. The experience of gender is very much just something that is recognized deep down. Our minds have an innate sense of who we are, and when that innate sense clashes with our reality, we experience gender dysphoria because we are deprived of the ability to express that true self.
This is why there are so many flamboyantly gay feminine males who are still 100% okay being male, and yet there are a lot of butch trans-girls who are totally fine lounging around in flannel and wouldn't touch makeup with a 10-ft pole, and yet very clearly identify as female. It's just an identity that feels "right" to you on a core level, and meshes with your core sense of self.
Gender identity itself is dependent on pre-natal hormone exposure. And it develops completely independently of one's physical body or one's chromosomes. So this is why there is such a wide variety of gender identities. Any lack of T exposure at a specific time tends to make one more likely to identify as female, while T exposure at that same point makes one more likely to identify as male. And this hormone exposure is, again, completely independent of the development of the body, and even of the development of the personality, which is responsible for the huge range of gender expressions that feel "right" to each individual person.
very good question. for me, and maybe for others, being a girl is so different in being a boy. this goes back to pre hrt, and how the body feels different on the inside and out. i started hrt in my early 18teens. i finally fed my body what its been needing. i began to feel so much peace. its not about how i look as a girl, of course as long as im seen as one everything is perfectly fine. you know that scarr that you have that you look over everyday because its just a scarr? well this is so much more than that. all i can think of to answer your question is.. if you can see yourself being in a body of an ugly girl.. but still being able to be seen as a girl and be content in your gender.. then you know its right for you.
I'd say it's a bit like love. You don't need someone to tell you you're in love, and you can self analyse yourself into questioning if you're truly in love, but deep in your heart and soul, it's something you just 'know. There's no need to quantify it.
I'm sorry for the bold, but I felt the need to separate my post into two parts.
Part 1: Biology
I would like to touch a bit on biology and the definition of a female, since it has been mentioned.
Several experts in the field of gender and sex have been arguing that there is much more to defining someone's sex (read: sex, not gender) than chromosomes and genitalia. Aside from intersexed people or rare XY females/XX males that have been used in making this point before, there has also been talk about gender identity playing a large role in defining sex. This includes biological causes of unusual gender identities. Which, if you haven't read about, you can read about some of the leading theories here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism
To me, it makes sense: why would we not utilize anything biologically pertaining to our sex to define our sex? Why include only the most basic functions of reproduction? What rule is there that says biological sex MUST be limited to our ability to fertilize or facilitate meiosis? Our society has become tempered to the idea of male or female only pertaining to reproduction. This predates the era in which humanity discovered and encouraged individualism and identities, so it's no real surprise that we're still upholding some archaic interpretations of things.
Part 2: Other Thoughts
As other posters have suggested, I feel that your gender identity being different from your outward body is something that you simply know. I think, for most people, it tends to be easy to resist at first, but over time it becomes a deeper, thicker pull that is difficult to overlook -- and there are no hard and fast rules as to when and where it begins or exactly how it feels for anyone.
Mine has been persistent since childhood, but I hid it out of fear and family abuse. I rallied against it as a teenager. At 18, I gave up and confessed to love ones. I've been working on it since, albeit mostly through finances. Other people scream it until they're recognized when they're a child. Others still bury it until age 40, some times 60 or higher.
There are no rules for you. If it consistently bothers you, I think it's safe to say you have a conflicting gender identity. Heck, even if it doesn't bother you and being female is something that you simply really want, I think it's still worth pursuing. We have had a few posters here who have said it was completely a choice for them to transition as they enjoy life much more on the other side of the fence. I think that's perfectly fine and I'm proud of them for finding happiness, as gender isn't a commodity to be coveted and guarded -- it's a free-flowing part of identity and something that should be available to everyone.
All of the many questions you ask in your opening post are questions that can only be answered satisfactorily by you. While it's great to get the opinions of others here, you won't have really have your answers until you sit down and write your own responses. I suggest you do that.
What it means to be a girl is different to most everyone here. Also, not everyone who wishes to consider themselves feminine entirely considers themselves as "girl". "Girl" is a very simple label that for many of us can have a very complex meaning. I rarely even use the term, myself. I just think of myself as me. The specifics beyond that are really for everybody else's benefit.
~ Lyric ~
I sit replying to this in a hooded sweater, jogging pants and sneakers, very much in 'male mode' My hair is short, I have no make up on, outwardly I am a man. I look over to my wife, a cis female, she shaved her head to donate her hair to a cancer charity that makes wigs for kids undergoing Chemo, our daughter is undergoing such treatment. Anyway, we have similar length hair, she isn't wearing make up, is dressed similarly, yet she looks like a woman. We're both girls, I still feel like one because I am one inside, transitioning doesn't turn me into a girl, it just makes me outwardly appear to be what I always have been. The wigs, make up, girls clothes, they don't make me suddenly become a girl, I like them simply because they make me look like what I feel like, and people then treat me accordingly. My male mode is simply me with no make up on, just the same as a cis woman who isn't wearing any would still be a female, I don't change inside, just because my appearance does. That's just me of course, everyone is different.
Hope that makes sense... Saz xxx
What does it mean to me to be a girl?
Interesting question... I might try to over simplify the way I feel. To be a girl just means happiness for me. Because everything falls into place because it's just right and natural. There's no further thought needed beyond that I think. Proof is in the smiles and happiness.
Clothes and expression are all a little secondary. And to a great extent, I've still yet to figure that part out as I make my way through transition. But it will all develop and evolve naturally and I don't need to worry about it :).
What ever it may be that defines being a girl to you, will change quite dramatically once you transition.
I have found that rarely does my clothing, hair, gestures, voice....make me feel more like a girl or does it necessarily make anyone else. Sure I rarely leave the house with no make up, but I'm sure if I did I wouldn't be gendered male all of a sudden.
What it means to be a girl is nothing....cis gendered girls do not think about being a girl...nothing will make them feel less or more of a girl....sure cis gendered girls and even myself may feel more girly at times when looking better dressed or hair is looking good....but in the end cis gendered never question there gender.
I still feel like a woman sitting here in my yoga pants and sweatshirt. ....but I could easily question my gender still. Only because I have been a different one at one time. I could sit here in the most feminine dress, makeup, jewelry, painted nails....blah blah...and it's not going to make me feel anymore of a woman.
What makes me feel like a woman is men.....men have defined me as a woman, and sometimes it may not be a good definition (I'm weak, unintelligent, sub servant....but none the less I am female!! Other women have also done this...sometimes catty...sometimes nice.
I think being female or a woman is purely a sense of identity. A woman who acts in ways that are considered "male" or has "male interests" (which vary by culture and time period to some degree anyway) is still fundamentally different to a man who 'acts' in an identical way. While behaviour/interests etc do have some bearing on identity, and allow expression of it to some degree, in fundamental concept, I believe they are fundamentally peripheral to core identity, including gender identity. If you accept this idea, it makes self-gendering much easier in my view, because your gender identity isn't clouded by one's transgression of societal norms. In a sense, hobbies and stereotypical behaviours, even though they can often reflect one's identity, they can sometimes act as 'noise' around one's true identity, and when you eliminate this noise, your core identity becomes clearer to hear.
I don't think you can answer this question with any stereotypes because the truth is every individual is different; male or female. Some girls are more feminine, some are more masculine and the same goes for guys too. A tomboy girl is no less of a girl then a prissy girly girl, being female is something more personal than what society manipulates it into. Ultimately, you just have to be honest with yourself and picture yourself living your life as a male and a female and then determine which one fits better. Some days I wonder if it's worth the hassle to transition, but I quickly come to the conclusion that it's essential for me to be happy. Sorry to have such a boring reply to the question, but I just want to make it clear that there are myriad variations of males and females and there isn't anything wrong with that as long as you are being honest to yourself. Hope that helps some, if not, sorry wasting your time.
<3 Emma
Wow, thanks for all the responses. After reading what everyone had to say, I think that more than anything else, this is just a question that doesn't have one definitive answer. What I took away from this is, that if you do feel like you'd rather be a girl than boy, maybe it doesn't make sense to worry about why. If you really want it, it's probably better to just accept and embrace it, instead of spending all your time worrying and questioning your own motivations.
Quote from: EmmaS on October 19, 2013, 06:54:46 PM
Ultimately, you just have to be honest with yourself and picture yourself living your life as a male and a female and then determine which one fits better. Some days I wonder if it's worth the hassle to transition, but I quickly come to the conclusion that it's essential for me to be happy. Sorry to have such a boring reply to the question, but I just want to make it clear that there are myriad variations of males and females and there isn't anything wrong with that as long as you are being honest to yourself. Hope that helps some, if not, sorry wasting your time.
Not at all, what you just said makes about a million times more sense than anything that has gone through my head in the last week. If I picture in my head what it's like living as male, and then picture what it's like living as female, the later one is definitely the one I'd rather be living. I'm just concerned that my perception is skewed by just how much life sucked living as a male. Living as female may make me feel better about myself, but it wouldn't solve all my problems, and it would almost inevitably create new ones. I guess the only way I'll know if it's what I really want is to try it and see how it goes. ;)
Quote from: Miyuki on October 19, 2013, 08:51:38 AM
I think the problem I'm having is that while I'd like to be seen as a girl, I have trouble accepting myself as one. I'm just too used to thinking of myself as male. I always had this clear idea in my head that a girl was something I wanted to be, not something I was.
...this is why I really need to see a therapist to help me sort things out. I can't tell if I'm trying to talk myself into something I'm not comfortable with, or if I'm just holding myself back from something I really want out of fear. Maybe a little of both. The idea of going back to identifying as 100% male disgusts me, but the idea of going 100% full time as female scares me.
I have the same problem and it REALLY scares me. I call it the Superman or Batman Complex. I feel that I am either Superman or Batman. As superman was different than everyone else he created this role that he viewed how he should act in society. He Knew he was Supeman, but to the outside world he was just Clark Kent. This would be a transgender playing the role of male.
Then there is Bruce Wayne who had tragic issues so he create this other personality called Batman. He spent all this money trying to be Batman instead of dealing with his issues. At the end of the day, he was still Bruce Wayne, the issues did not go away and to some degree got worse.
Am I Superman, truly a Transgender and the masculine personality is my view on what a Male should act like? Could it be that I'm Batman, trying to create GID to mask my own depression and tragedies in my Life?
I used to have a long diatribe about what it means to be a girl, but that was fueled by my intense dysphoria, and now my explanation is far more simple.
For me it's what I am today and nothing more. I have plans to make myself more complete, but those don't affect the woman I am today, and there's no need to become another person.
Being a girl is to be yourself without really trying. With progress in transition we adapt in new ways that are tailored to fit our individual needs, and we begin to let the woman inside make the decisions. And then along comes a time when everything we do fits and compliments our personality.
This is what cis girls do. They also try to achieve a place in life where the person inside is complete and satisfied. They develop a personality to match the girl they want to be. And just like us, at some point they don't even think about who they are, or try to be anything else.
Quote from: Miyuki on October 19, 2013, 06:36:07 AM
It makes me feel more confident, and it makes me feel like I'm being myself.
This, pretty much.
My view is that, for me, I don't attribute a long list of things to being female, and that's what it is. And were I like that, I would consider myself female.
I look at it the other way around. I look at how I am, and attribute some of
that to being female. Granted, I also attribute some of it to being human, too.
For me, personally, what draws most of my attention to
anything to do with gender at all is more of a physical thing. Dysphoria, constant mismatch between outer and inner. A feeling of incongruence. Often distressing. That anatomically speaking, the parts I have are just wrong. And a sort of internal knowledge that the only thing not right about me, is the outer shell. Not right in that the image I see of myself in every other way, is female. I guess you could say gaining more of an understanding what's right by knowing what's wrong. (There's plenty not right with me in other ways, lol, but none of that has to do with my gender. More my... screwed up-ness).
As for mentally... what does it mean to
be a girl? It means just being me. It means just expressing the way I always have. I don't see that I would need to lose or gain certain emotional responses in order to take on the mantle of being female. Only correct the cause of the dysphoria. To align the outer and inner. I suspect that were this to happen, most of my thoughts of gender would disappear and I would just get on with doing it rather than thinking about it. Like pulling a tooth which aches constantly and no longer thinking about what foods I can eat which might aggravate it. Chowing down on life, as it were, lol.
But everyone draws different meaning. For some it's social, for some it's physical, for some it's mental or emotional. Or a mixture of some, all, or none. There's no real right answer, other than the one you find for yourself.
Quote from: misschievous on October 20, 2013, 10:03:35 AM
I have the same problem and it REALLY scares me. I call it the Superman or Batman Complex. I feel that I am either Superman or Batman. As superman was different than everyone else he created this role that he viewed how he should act in society. He Knew he was Supeman, but to the outside world he was just Clark Kent. This would be a transgender playing the role of male.
Then there is Bruce Wayne who had tragic issues so he create this other personality called Batman. He spent all this money trying to be Batman instead of dealing with his issues. At the end of the day, he was still Bruce Wayne, the issues did not go away and to some degree got worse.
Am I Superman, truly a Transgender and the masculine personality is my view on what a Male should act like? Could it be that I'm Batman, trying to create GID to mask my own depression and tragedies in my Life?
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with that problem. :-X What I've been trying to tell myself, is that if I were using being transgender as just an excuse for why I always felt so depressed, why would that even make sense to do? Out of all the things I could use as an excuse, how on earth would I have decided on that one? And why would it be that trying to deal with the problem as gender identity disorder is the only thing I ever tried that made me feel even slightly better? Also, what Sybil said about people transitioning just because they want to sort of struck a chord with me. Have we been conditioned to think that the only valid reason for transitioning is because you have a mental disorder? If you want to do it, why not do it? People do things just because they want to all the time, why not this? As long as it makes you happy, right?
After doing this for a few years, my answer is a bit nuanced. Being female just is what it is. It's how I need society to see me in order to feel like they're not talking to someone else. It's being severely and adversely affected by T and completely normal and natural with appropriate HRT. It's knowing up and down, no matter what anyone tells me or what I tried to tell myself before transition, that I was just a girl and not a guy. It's this truth that I can't escape, no matter how hard I ran.
It's not tendencies. I do girly things. I do things would be looked on as not-girly. This bothered me for a while. Now it doesn't.
At first, I thought that doing things that weren't girly was verboten. I thought that people would see me as 'false' the second I did something that a ultra-femme girl wouldn't do. It took me a while to realize that I was the one projecting that on myself. I slowly came to actually just accept that I was female and that nothing I did, nothing I said, no outward projection of any behavior, action, or anything else could change that.
The facets of life as a woman are many and varied. The ways that women live and act are as diverse as the number of women there are. Nothing defines being a woman other than being a woman and that's just kind of the way it is.
For us, it's strange and hard to deal with. People have told us since we were born that we were boys and, for those of us who had to grow all the way up, that we were men. The messages and experiences we've had have all been filtered through the understanding that others have taught us. It takes some time to unwind what people have said from the core of our identities. Therein, lies the work of 'transition'.
Day by day, you remove the expectations of others that were made of you and layer by layer, you learn to accept what you are without the reservations that came with them.
For me, being a woman (not girl, as I'm fully grown and settled into my adult life) includes all of those things. The growth, the awkwardness of transition, the truth of myself, and the knowledge of my dreams and desires. It is my expression, my friends and family, my sensuality and my competitiveness. It is the whole of me, through and through. There is no part of my person that is not a woman and every part of me is what makes that the truth.
Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on October 20, 2013, 05:25:09 PM
After doing this for a few years, my answer is a bit nuanced. Being female just is what it is. It's how I need society to see me in order to feel like they're not talking to someone else. It's being severely and adversely affected by T and completely normal and natural with appropriate HRT. It's knowing up and down, no matter what anyone tells me or what I tried to tell myself before transition, that I was just a girl and not a guy. It's this truth that I can't escape, no matter how hard I ran.
It's not tendencies. I do girly things. I do things would be looked on as not-girly. This bothered me for a while. Now it doesn't.
At first, I thought that doing things that weren't girly was verboten. I thought that people would see me as 'false' the second I did something that a ultra-femme girl wouldn't do. It took me a while to realize that I was the one projecting that on myself. I slowly came to actually just accept that I was female and that nothing I did, nothing I said, no outward projection of any behavior, action, or anything else could change that.
The facets of life as a woman are many and varied. The ways that women live and act are as diverse as the number of women there are. Nothing defines being a woman other than being a woman and that's just kind of the way it is.
For us, it's strange and hard to deal with. People have told us since we were born that we were boys and, for those of us who had to grow all the way up, that we were men. The messages and experiences we've had have all been filtered through the understanding that others have taught us. It takes some time to unwind what people have said from the core of our identities. Therein, lies the work of 'transition'.
Day by day, you remove the expectations of others that were made of you and layer by layer, you learn to accept what you are without the reservations that came with them.
For me, being a woman (not girl, as I'm fully grown and settled into my adult life) includes all of those things. The growth, the awkwardness of transition, the truth of myself, and the knowledge of my dreams and desires. It is my expression, my friends and family, my sensuality and my competitiveness. It is the whole of me, through and through. There is no part of my person that is not a woman and every part of me is what makes that the truth.
YES THIS!!I was the same at first....oh I can't do that! I may appear as a man! On no!! Now I get it more from men...oh honey let me get that for you, or you can't do that! Huh what do I look like some weakling.
It has taken me a bit to get this far...at first I would never want to appear to be strong....now I tell people I have muscles, look....and then they just laugh!!
The opposite is also true...I didn't want to appear too feminine or do things just because that's what females do. I can say I didn't fall into this habit and in fact may have taken it to seriously. I have since wore some dresses and even had my nails done a couple of times...but most times my nails look pretty crappy like many other cis women's.
This reminds me a what happened today. I was helping a couple at work...I commented on the woman's manicure since it was very nice and also had a symbol of a college football team. She appeared fairly high maintenance and was very attractive.....when asking her this I was a little shocked to hear her say she has never gotten a manicure! I wasn't shocked to hear a woman say this...since I have talked with many that haven't...it's just she seemed like the type that had one done every week. Hmm goes to show how pre-judgments are not good to do!
One thing that may make me appear more feminine is the way I sit. I cannot sit without crossing my legs...this has nothing to do because of transition though. I have always sat like that years before I transitioned...in fact it was more awkward then since I never appeared feminine or gay. Its just very comfortable to sit like this and very strange not too. Many women do not though.
OP you have no idea how much I relate to your post. My mouth literally dropped as I read it.
Every question you said is going through my head and I'm glad I'm not the only person with them haha.
I am not really sure, but I believe it is like... being a girl or being a boy, is how you see yourselves.
If you want to be a girl then be a girl.
If you want to be a boy then be a boy.
I think the answer is very "zen" like, meaning there is no right or wrong, it is what each of us feel it is and it may very well have a bit of everything you stated above.
I like Kathy's comment "to be yourself without really trying"
I despise being male and it's tough to have to do it for parts of my career.
However...the other day as I looked down thru my pretty blond hair and saw perky boobs, a girly curvy waist, long smooth legs and sparkly purple toenails I just let out a big happy "sigh" with an equally big smile.
It just feels so natural that I almost hate myself for not demanding to "be myself" at age 8 and beyond!
We've all seen and heard the question "what one thing would your older self tell your younger self if you could go back in time" well there is my answer ;)
Here's my take on it... based on what articles there are out there and my impressions of those articles... it's opinion - that's just where mine is based.
I understand that there is a part of the brain that makes us male or female. I personally, as a transgender woman pre-HRT, consider myself to always have been female as I believe that is the most important part of gender. I consider myself to have been born with an intersex condition - though I'm sure current medical standards (and insurance plans) wouldn't agree. The wrong hormones make this condition painful. It is where the body dysphoria comes from. Our rooted understanding of our own physical gender is hormonal, but the knowledge that we're of one gender or the other - our gender identity - is intrinsic (non-hormonal). I think this is why many of us are more strongly transgender at puberty than early in life... the understanding of our gender identity (non-hormonal) can be overridden by a strong societal gender imprinting. Society's imprint often gets overridden when the hormone flooding overwhelms the gendered part of our brain, causing (often extreme) anguish and discomfort. Those of us who pass through puberty without coming out still have the anguish, lessened by the end of puberty. We may learn to deal with it in other ways... but we are still female, even while trying to deal with appearing male. We may not know that we're female.
I also understand that most gender roles are imposed by society. Girl's toys and boy's toys are equal to the child raised without imposed gender roles (something I think is practically impossible in current American society, though it can be done incompletely). These roles are imprinted by age 3 and strengthened throughout our lives. I believe there are intrinsic qualities to being male and female, which a recent article suggests is not true, but in my experience (and in talking with other trans women) we communicate better with women and tend toward more feminine activities (though the latter is hardly set in stone). Male and female activities are like boy and girl toys at the adult level. There's even more crossover and activities dominated by one gender or the other is primarily societal, though partly physiological (sports vs. reading, for example - one is active, the other inactive - both men and women often enjoy both activities).
I think we usually fit in with our true gender, not our assigned gender. This cannot be entirely based on societal imprint of gender. If all women loved to talk about sports I don't see how I'd be interested in sports now. I could very well be underestimating society's role on our own gender identities, but I have to believe there's a deeper reason I don't usually enjoy male conversations.
We're female, but that also doesn't make us anything we don't want to be. Every woman is different. There's no such thing as "girl-this" or "boy-that," something I'm trying to teach my own kids now. If I want to drink beer and watch sports, it doesn't make me less of a woman (I know lots of women who do). If I don't care about my appearance and want to believe that society's requirement for women to look good is wrong - that's fine... but if I want to wear make-up and look as good as I can (within reason) that's ok too.
I've gotten accused (veeery passive aggressively) by my wife of being vain. I think we, as trans women, have a tendency to act more feminine, with make-up and clothing, because we hate being so masculine in body. There's nothing wrong with that - though it's probably bad to take it too far. Personally, I haven't - but my wife has never used much make-up (I don't think she owns any lipstick) - so to her it looks like I've gone off the deep end with it.
I'm pre-HRT, so my views may change significantly (I only have others' stories to go off of), but I don't believe any of what we do is required to be female. I think our problem is about half seated in hormones and physical body and about half in societal impositions (give or take). We like to feel more feminine because we've been further from feminine than any other woman for all of our pre-transition lives. It's not required, but it feels good and helps our problem... and that makes it right for us to do, but that is not what being a girl is.
That is a very good question. From my life I was always a girl inside from very early age. In grammer school I knew it was wrong for the teachers to "put" me with the boys. I hated changes as a teenager, deeper voice, bigger, etc..... Forced to play football however I should have been a cheerleader.
Any now trying to remove the wrong T things & let some normal estrogen help to maybe improve my body.
Quote from: Assoluta on October 19, 2013, 06:18:26 PM
I think being female or a woman is purely a sense of identity. A woman who acts in ways that are considered "male" or has "male interests" (which vary by culture and time period to some degree anyway) is still fundamentally different to a man who 'acts' in an identical way. While behaviour/interests etc do have some bearing on identity, and allow expression of it to some degree, in fundamental concept, I believe they are fundamentally peripheral to core identity, including gender identity. If you accept this idea, it makes self-gendering much easier in my view, because your gender identity isn't clouded by one's transgression of societal norms. In a sense, hobbies and stereotypical behaviours, even though they can often reflect one's identity, they can sometimes act as 'noise' around one's true identity, and when you eliminate this noise, your core identity becomes clearer to hear.
I think this is really spot on. It's a sense of identity. CisGs exhibit quite a range of mannerisms, physical appearance, and hobbies that it's hard to define "what is means to be a girl."
The OP mentioned that she doesn't like to wear skirts. I know plenty of CisGs who don't like to wear skirts. The OP also said something about male-orientated video games. Same thing. I know many CisGs (and I hope I'm using that term right ) who are sharp COD players.
In many ways, I am where you are at. I am five weeks on hormones and am having trouble giving up some male habits (walking around topless and peeing standing up for example). However, as I progress, my male self becomes more absorbed by my female self and she comes out more and more. It's all a matter of forward movement.
Hope this makes sense.
Jane
Quote from: JaneNicole2013 on October 21, 2013, 11:34:31 AM
I think this is really spot on. It's a sense of identity. CisGs exhibit quite a range of mannerisms, physical appearance, and hobbies that it's hard to define "what is means to be a girl."
The OP mentioned that she doesn't like to wear skirts. I know plenty of CisGs who don't like to wear skirts. The OP also said something about male-orientated video games. Same thing. I know many CisGs (and I hope I'm using that term right ) who are sharp COD players.
In many ways, I am where you are at. I am five weeks on hormones and am having trouble giving up some male habits (walking around topless and peeing standing up for example). However, as I progress, my male self becomes more absorbed by my female self and she comes out more and more. It's all a matter of forward movement.
Hope this makes sense.
Jane
Yes... exactly that :)
Male habits, though... I haven't peed standing in a month and I never felt comfortable walking around topless (though between my bedroom and bathroom in the basement - if the kids aren't right there - I'll run back topless for something -- usually the radio).
It is so easy (even for us) to confuse sex and gender as being one thing, but they definitely are two very distinct things. I think this is the source of confusion here, and don't worry I was similarly confused when I was first coming to terms with things.
However, this is how I see this problem now. Whatever brain function or process in my head that controls sex identity tells me in no uncertain terms I am female. I can't tell you why, or explain the mechanics or chemistry going on there, I just know, with no doubt, that that is how it is. For me, the only thing that matters to feel ok with myself is that I am seen and accepted by society and myself as a woman. When that doesn't happen I feel terrible. Really, gender constructs have nothing to do with dysphoria for me as long as I am perceived to be female. If I was wearing a suit and idk chopping wood or something lol and was still seen as female by 100% of people watching me, then I would not feel terrible. I would never choose to do either of those things, but that doesn't matter. Also, I don't think I could pull that off and be seen as female anyway, which is a reason btw to try looking and acting the part—you probably will have to (to some extent) in order to pass. OTOH if I was wearing a dress and sewing curtains but perceived to be male, I would hate my life in that moment.
I am a pretty feminine person and mostly enjoy things women typically enjoy, but for me, being able to express my feminine side and explore those interests of mine that society has deemed feminine without dealing with a lot of sidelong glances and judgement is just a lovely bonus that comes with being accepted as female. It is not the reason I transitioned. And the few masculine traits I still have, that managed to survive transition, I consider to be core elements of my being and I embrace them completely.
Quote from: Jen on October 21, 2013, 02:00:20 PM
It is so easy (even for us) to confuse sex and gender as being one thing, but they definitely are two very distinct things. I think this is the source of confusion here, and don't worry I was similarly confused when I was first coming to terms with things.
However, this is how I see this problem now. Whatever brain function or process in my head that controls sex identity tells me in no uncertain terms I am female. I can't tell you why, or explain the mechanics or chemistry going on there, I just know, with no doubt, that that is how it is. For me, the only thing that matters to feel ok with myself is that I am seen and accepted by society and myself as a woman. When that doesn't happen I feel terrible. Really, gender constructs have nothing to do with dysphoria for me as long as I am perceived to be female. If I was wearing a suit and idk chopping wood or something lol and was still seen as female by 100% of people watching me, then I would not feel terrible. I would never choose to do either of those things, but that doesn't matter. Also, I don't think I could pull that off and be seen as female anyway, which is a reason btw to try looking and acting the part—you probably will have to (to some extent) in order to pass. OTOH if I was wearing a dress and sewing curtains but perceived to be male, I would hate my life in that moment.
I am a pretty feminine person and mostly enjoy things women typically enjoy, but for me, being able to express my feminine side and explore those interests of mine that society has deemed feminine without dealing with a lot of sidelong glances and judgement is just a lovely bonus that comes with being accepted as female. It is not the reason I transitioned. And the few masculine traits I still have, that managed to survive transition, I consider to be core elements of my being and I embrace them completely.
I would of like to write this myself...your understanding of yourself is so much the same as I.
I will add a couple of more feelings though that confuse my thinking. I very much believe being female is similar to what you wrote....gender is very much reinforced by being excepted as how you perceive yourself.
An example of this is how my children have changed their perception of me to the point I am able to tell they are treating me like any other female and do it naturally.....but because I have been their father for many years it is hard for them to call me she all the time and they still call me dad. I can be at work all day...go run errands and just do everyday business...during all this I do not think much about my gender and just feel like a normal women. When I get home though I start to feel different with the first "he" or with "dad". There are no females that get called dad or he!!
I can also do this to myself....opposite of what you said I have been in some very manly situations (not by choice) during this time I may have looked a bit unkempt because of the situation, and similar to what you wrote even at times like this I am still perceived as female but because of what I am doing and the way I look at the time, I start to feel manly...I don't fear being mis-gendered...I am more disgusted with how I feel about myself.
So even though I am in a situation similar to what you wrote....It ends up being me that perceives myself wrong....during times like this being perceived as female still does not cause my own perception of myself to change. It just goes to show I am my worse enemy!!
I actually am with you on that. When I say 100% of people percieve me to be a woman, probably the most important person that needs to see me that way is myself. Maybe i would change how I put it and say that as long as I percieve myself to be a woman, it doesn't matter what other people think, but in reality what others think does matter because if anybody sees me as male then i will invariably see myself that way too for days afterward.
That is a question that I put a LOT of time and thought into when I was young, particularly why was I so sure that I was or needed to be a girl. (It took my mother 8 years to put a dent in my identity!). It was a question I didn't really have an answer to until many decades after transition and SRS and one that now makes perfect sense.
Despite what the "politically correct crowd" say, there are specific and measurable differences between males and females right from birth (not 100% accurate and universal but certainly ALMOST universal) and there are clear differences in the psychological and social development between girls and boys, mostly to do with the timing at which different steps of learning or development take place - ALL BEFORE PUBERTY! (It all makes perfect sense if you consider the current theory that transsexualism is a result of 'cross-sex' hormone exposure during gestation.)
When I learned about the sex-based behaviour differences and the differences in development I TOTALLY understood why I identified as female right from childhood - because other girls were at exactly the same developmental stages I was at and I was always able to relate to girls so easily while boys were at a completely different stage of development. I "fit" with the girls, understood the girls, and was always way more comfortable among the girls because we had so much in common and so few differences.
In looking back at my childhood and adolescence from so far down the road, I responded to life and life's situations exactly as a young girl would at that age and the real confusion came from people trying to convince me that I WASN'T a girl!
So, for me, being a girl means being at home in the society of women and being very much an outsider among men.
Just my perspective......
This is part of the reason why the decision to transition has been so difficult for me. I always suffered from severe social anxiety, and fitting in with people of either gender was an uphill battle. I eventually ended up socializing more with boys by default, even though it was a constant struggle to fit in. Overall I have extremely limited experience socializing with girls, and I really have no idea if I'd be any more comfortable socializing with them than I was with anyone else. But that's why I'm looking into going to a meeting of the local transsexual support group. The way I look at it, if I fit in there, I probably don't have anything to worry about. At the very least, I've been gradually toning down the masculine personality at home since coming out, and doing so has made me feel a lot more relaxed and positive about life in general. That's certainly been a welcome change of pace.
How about being you. I've worked in the most macho of professions, in the worst conditions, and excelled, however, the desire to be female and have my nails done, followed by shopping in Beverly Hills was never far from my mind. Now that I'm in my 6th month of HRT I've never been happier, nor am I looking back at that life.
Just be you.
We learn what it means to be a girl or a guy by observing people throughout our lives. There are a lot of gender variations. We see those. We tend to empathize with either male or female and that's based on a generalized view. I tend to empathize with both, but lean towards female. We each form our views of the genders by interacting with them. People are very complex, so it's impossible to make a definitive statement, like men are 'strong'. Well it depends on the man. Some women are stronger than some men, etc. What does it mean to be a girl? Observe girls.
Quote from: Miyuki on October 22, 2013, 12:45:26 PM
At the very least, I've been gradually toning down the masculine personality at home since coming out, and doing so has made me feel a lot more relaxed and positive about life in general. That's certainly been a welcome change of pace.
This is an important part of it! Be yourself... it's the first time in your life you let yourself just be who you are :) That's how I feel every day when I'm alone or with my kids. When I'm at work it's usually the opposite.
For an answer to the question original... maybe this book will help? http://bookofjezebel.jezebel.com/book-of-jezebel-witty-unruly-evidence-of-a-serious-c-1449927104/@Jessica (http://bookofjezebel.jezebel.com/book-of-jezebel-witty-unruly-evidence-of-a-serious-c-1449927104/@Jessica) - it just came out. I've just started following Jezebel and it's a humourous, witty, friendly, and female place to be online. (Note... the book will probably not help ;) but it looks interesting and I may have to look into a Kindle copy)
Quote from: DrZoey on October 22, 2013, 01:01:46 PM
How about being you. I've worked in the most macho of professions, in the worst conditions, and excelled, however, the desire to be female and have my nails done, followed by shopping in Beverly Hills was never far from my mind. Now that I'm in my 6th month of HRT I've never been happier, nor am I looking back at that life.
Just be you.
I'm working on it. A few days ago, I think I had some sort of identity crisis, where I realized I had been pretending to be someone else for so long I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I had to try and mentally unravel myself to figure out where the real begging and end were. What I realized was, in many respects, I'm not going to fit into the stereotypical image of a girl any better than I fit into the stereotypical image of a boy. I'm just different, and that's all there is to it. But, there's no rule that says I can't be different and look good while doing it. ;D
Quote from: Miyuki on October 22, 2013, 01:41:48 PM
What I realized was, in many respects, I'm not going to fit into the stereotypical image of a girl any better than I fit into the stereotypical image of a boy. I'm just different, and that's all there is to it. But, there's no rule that says I can't be different and look good while doing it. ;D
Indeed. Be yourself, whoever that is. Forget the typical stereo and go for surround sound instead. 360 degree immersion. ;)
A lot of women do not fit into the stereotype. That's OK. Confidence goes with independence.
Quote from: Miyuki on October 19, 2013, 06:36:07 AM
Since coming out to my parents yesterday, I've been thinking a lot harder about the idea of fully transitioning, and what it would mean to me. But something keeps bugging me. What exactly does it mean to be a girl, and why do I even feel like I should be one to begin with?
If you're talking purely from a biological perspective, a girl is defined on a genetic level as a person with two X chromosomes, and no Y chromosome. Of course, we all know what a problematic definition that can be in practice. There are so many people out there who obviously present as female who don't meet this definition. And it's silly to make the whole thing about DNA to begin with, since actual exposure to and sensitivity to hormones is what determines how you develop.
But then how should you define a girl? This is where it gets complicated. You could say that a girl is someone who has long hair, or wears makeup, or dresses with flashy colors and styles, or wears skirts, or has a caring nurturing personality, or even has the ability to bear children. The list goes on. And yet, for any single thing you can name that identifies someone is a girl, you can name at least one girl that doesn't posses that feature. Furthermore, many of those features could apply to people who still identify as male.
So if I am saying that the identity of a girl fits me better than the identity of a boy does, what does that even mean? Does it mean I posses more feminine qualities than masculine ones? Do I just check the scales, see what side is heavier, and go with it? Does it mean that the things girls usually do come more naturally than the things boys do? Sometimes that's true, but not always. I enjoy things like cooking, but I also enjoy science and technology. For the most part I spend more time behind a computer screen that anything else. Socially, do I fit in better with girls? Most of the time I'm socially awkward no matter who it is I'm talking to. I often times find it more intimidating to talk to girls because I'm not used to it. But for girls I know well, it's much easier, and I tend to get along with them pretty well. But it's not like I can't get along talking to boys either. It really depends more on the person than the gender.
The only thing I can really say for sure is, when I look in the mirror and see a feminine face staring back, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel more confident, and it makes me feel like I'm being myself. So is that it? Is that all there is to it? Is the real reason for deciding you need to transition nothing more than being able to feel good about what you see when you look in the mirror? Is that a good reason? Is it the only reason? This has really been driving me nuts lately. It makes me feel like maybe the reason why I want to transition is just to satisfy my own sense of vanity. What do you think? Am I looking at this correctly, or am I missing something important?
when I see my self looking more feminine everyday I feel my life is turning around. I saw no hope for my self last year. I was tired of being alone didn't know why I was alone for so long. Went to therapy found out I was a transgender, I got on HRT and started seeing the woman I always have been look back at me in the mirror .I see a future for me now, I didn't see that a year ago. A female friend was walking toward me yesterday we greeted each other and I felt good Knowing my face is starting to look as feminine as hers.
Sometimes it will hit you in the simplest ways, last night night I was on the couch watching tv as usual and I happened to look down to see long blonde hair draped over perky boobs in a comfortable low cut black cami top....just a lazy girl watching tv.
I wish I could go way back in time and tell younger me that someday things will be so much better :)
My idea of gender is very simple - who would you rather see when you look in the mirror?
Quote from: Michelle G on January 15, 2014, 11:05:44 AM
Sometimes it will hit you in the simplest ways, last night night I was on the couch watching tv as usual and I happened to look down to see long blonde hair draped over perky boobs in a comfortable low cut black cami top....just a lazy girl watching tv.
I wish I could go way back in time and tell younger me that someday things will be so much better :)
For me it was when I was curled up watching TV and looked down and realized I was starting to get "thunder thighs." It was actually a really good feeling, all things considered :).
I first realized I was female, or, a girl when I was very young in many ways. One that comes to mind is how I was horrified by the term "handsome" being used by my adoptive parents with reference to how I looked. I didn't want to be "handsome," I wanted to be "pretty." Hair length was another issue. I couldn't stand to have my hair cut short. I cried and cried the few times my adoptive father won out over my adopted mothers whishes to let my hair be as long as I wanted it. My hairstyle was another issue. I'd style it like a girl vs. a boy with long hair ie: pony tails higher on the back of my head, parted down the middle or slightly to the side, braids, curls when I wanted them (I have straight black hair) Highlights -boy my adopted father hit the roof when I came home with those, lol, etc., and many many many other things like when people first met me and referred to me as "she." Being referred to as "she" always made me feel good inside until one of my adopted parents corrected them. I'd then run away and cry. However the most horrifying thing that I remember happened during my early teens when that first facial hair cropped up. Being Native American I didn't have as much as others of my age did but I was horrified by having any at all. These are only a few of many many many things I went through.
If I were given the opportunity to go back in time and have a conversation with my younger self, I'd tell myself you know your a girl so don't wait so long to begin making the outside match the inside to please others. Begin living as the young woman you are now. But alas, I wasted the best years of my life in misery only to keep my family happy. I'm glad I finally woke up and am now doing something about it.
What makes you a girl? You can't go by stereotypes. I still love my boat and love to go fishing. It gives me peace and time to myself but it doesn't make me any less of a woman, because I know with all that I am in my mind heart and soul I am a woman. I'm sure you do too it will just take you a little time to get over the fears your having. I have the wisdom of age behind me now, but at your age I was just as scared as you are. The only difference I can see is I knew I was a girl without any doubt whatsoever. My fear at that age was centered around how was I going to make my outside match my inside without dissappointing my family. ;)