Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello guys and dolls.
In your opinion, what is the single worst thing about being born in the body of the opposite sex?
I know a lot of stuff about it is simply awful, but what is the worst thing to you?
I look forward to your answers.

Nero

Hey Nero,

For me, it was having to hide who I was for most of my life. Having to live this huge lie. Never being able to tell anyone how I truly felt. It isolated me and made me feel all alone. I am not sure I can ever overcome this feeling and feel like I am a part of something. It seems no matter what I do, I always feel like I am inside looking out.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Puberty.  Knowing that you are a girl and physically developing as the opposite sex.  It's one of the most difficult things a human being can endure.

tink :icon_chick:

Having bottled up the emotion, fear and pain for 30 years. The relief when I finally talked about my feelings to my Doctor was like the world being lifted of my shoulders.

Buffy

Growing up with the isolation, the confusion and the frustration.

HLLL&R

Maebh

Quote from: Tink on July 01, 2007, 10:43:43 PM
Puberty.  Knowing that you are a girl and physically developing as the opposite sex.  It's one of the most difficult things a human being can endure.

tink :icon_chick:

I have to agree with Tink here.  I did not figure out everything until the first signs of puberty (very early on).  Feeling hormonally wrong and not sure what I could do about it.
The anxiety, the shame, the fear.  SO MUCH.  ALL of it related to puberty. 

God where else to go.

Luckily I was not socially isolated in HS and beyond, and I figured out to act a little bit more like myself.  But it was a poor compromise that showed cracks as T's poison (no offense transmen, its poison to me) began to take over my physical appearance more.

I agree with Tink and Amy too.  When in puberty I thought nobody was going thru what I was. I was very alone.  I thought I was the only one.  I was wrong. :(

my chest.  can accept evrything else.  my chest gotta go & its goin' :icon_dance:

   #1.   Being punished as a young child, say, 4-7, I was punished for numeruos things that boys don`t do. Out of frustration my mom would shake me by my hair and screem at me. I played with girls. ran with girls, sang with girls, but was punished for being like girls, (myself).
 
   #2.    For servival, I watched what boys did and how they act really closely. When I started school they had to hold me back because they thought I had learning disabilities. No I dont!!!!! I was preoccupied with trying to act like a boy so the boys would stop saying," ewww you act like a girl" and the girls would say," ewwww go away this is girls only.

   #3.   To depressed for edjucation. I missed out all the way through school. I was depressed and progressingly worse as years went on. I would loose bits and peaces of my self worth every year I would have to act for acceptance.  Again for servival; I learnd to stop the teasing and bulliing through violance. With my male body, size, and cordination I was capable of learning to punch but used this as little as possible. I hated hurting people.
 
   #4.   My children....................................................................... :embarrassed:   

I would say the worst thing is not having experienced growing up as the gender we knew we should have been.  I wish I had a history as a girl, that my parents, brother, sister, family saw me as female, but now everything is messed up.  Just the fact that my memories will never be of growing up as a girl really hurts.

Hmmmm this is a hard one as I've yet to live my life.  However I would like to feel that at the end of my life I will have at least a fleeting moment, a chance to look back and say the worst thing about being a transsexual would have been not being able to transition.

Steph

Quote from: Melissa on July 02, 2007, 01:28:23 PM
I wish I had a history as a girl...

Me too.

~Kate~

The mental anguish.

Quote from: Steph on July 02, 2007, 01:33:11 PM
Hmmmm this is a hard one as I've yet to live my life.  However I would like to feel that at the end of my life I will have at least a fleeting moment, a chance to look back and say the worst thing about being a transsexual would have been not being able to transition.

Steph

I really love your post Steph, I think it's a really positive take on an otherwise tragic situation :) 

That said, I'm going to be far less imaginitive and go with...

...being the only girl in an all boys secondary school and having to spend far more time with boys than I should have done as I was growing up.  I have so many memories of staring out of the classroom window at the girls' school across the road and just preying I'd be magically transported there; I just wanted to be with my girl friends, as I should have been, and not where I was.

MVER XXX

Worst thing?  Well I would have to say the secrecy and taboo that I've had to negotiate for over 40 years now.  After a while that turns into shame, which is never a good emotion.  Later in life, it has developed into confusion in every little aspect of life, down to having to always consciously think about which restroom to enter.  One other difficulty is that by this time in life, there are so many other lives intertwined with my own, that it is impossible to think just of my own happiness.  It is like having to traverse a mine field on a pogo stick.

Kristi

That I spent so many years in pain before finally coming to the realization of who/what I am. And the damage that hiding my feelings caused to myself and people around me. I think my life would've been much happier if I could've expressed my gender differences openly from childhood.

zythyra

Life itself.

Quote from: Kristi on July 02, 2007, 06:20:42 PM
It is like having to traverse a mine field on a pogo stick.

Kristi

;)  I agree,

Being misunderstood.

the inability to express my feelings to my loved ones.  i  wish i were able to make people understand how it feels to be a woman born into a male body.  i wish they walked in my shoes for [only] one hour, just one hour.

The worst thing about being a transsexual is that I can't have my own bio children and the sex organ will never be *natural*.

Out of all the junk I've been handed in my life as a trans person I think the worst part of it has been the abject fear of being found out and having god knows what done to me because of it.

It kills me to see spouse inheriting that fear and I suppose it's unavoidable.

We'll get through.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

Not being able to pass despite how hard you try.  Having to subject yourself to painful, emotionally wrenching surgeries like FFS to live a normal life as a woman.

Quote from: Butterfly on July 04, 2007, 01:12:38 AM
Not being able to pass despite how hard you try.  Having to subject yourself to painful, emotionally wrenching surgeries like FFS to live a normal life as a woman.

I'm very surprised Butterfly, you look like Shania Twain to me and very passable...

Quote from: Berliegh on July 04, 2007, 05:32:29 AM

Quote from: Butterfly on July 04, 2007, 01:12:38 AM
Not being able to pass despite how hard you try.  Having to subject yourself to painful, emotionally wrenching surgeries like FFS to live a normal life as a woman.

I'm very surprised Butterfly, you look like Shania Twain to me and very passable...

Thank you kindly Berliegh but I was talking about my experience before FFS.  I had FFS a few years ago in the States and my avatar pic is post-FFS.

Not being able to say "when I was a little girl I would....... "

Quote from: Butterfly on July 04, 2007, 01:12:38 AM
Not being able to pass despite how hard you try.  Having to subject yourself to painful, emotionally wrenching surgeries like FFS to live a normal life as a woman.

[pondering, remembering but not necessarily wanting to remember.....]

I've had many surgeries................they have been non-events [pain-wise], they have been the least painful part of my transition......

Nothing compares to the psycho-emotional pain which has characterized the near entirety of my transition [and life]....... :'(

Is Nero doing a research paper or something?

Quote from: Cindy Smith on July 04, 2007, 07:11:49 AM
Not being able to say "when I was a little girl I would....... "

The worst thing is we missed the history as a girl, and the time we lost would never come back... As it is said "Women should do the proper thing in the proper age". For example, falling in love for the first time as a young girl, getting marry in a proper age, having baby, becoming a mom in the proper time as many other normal women do, and building up one's career in a younger age... We missed all these things and lost too much time... I often say I've been too old, and my friends often answer me you're still so young, but how can they know I had to spend almost all my life so far for finally getting back myself to become a 100% woman... however, a lot of time has gone and will never come back... Moreover, if you decide to live in stealth, you have to cut all your past relationship and lose all your past friends... and finally the feeling is like kind of a person without history...

The worst thing to me is the complete lack of acceptance. I can fix the pain of having the wrong body with surgery and hormones. I can make new memories as a woman to make up for the things I missed before.

But there will always be people who will decide I'm not a woman or try to persecute me because of my transition, leaving me in fear to share something that shouldn't be an issue with people.

My transsexuality is something that should give me immense insight in the ways male-bodied and female-bodied people are treated and how that affects them. Yet I need to hide that knowledge half the time because people would try to hurt me for being a transsexual.

That just sickens me.

Mental and emotional pain. Stuff like electrolosys is easy compared to looking in the mirror and seeing a reflection you hate.  :(

Quote from: Butterfly on July 04, 2007, 05:50:10 AM

I was talking about my experience before FFS.  I had FFS a few years ago in the States and my avatar pic is post-FFS.

i'm glad those hard times are over for you butterfly.  you look terrific on your pic.

Posted on: July 05, 2007, 02:51:44 AM

---

Quote from: Rhonda on July 04, 2007, 07:16:37 AM
Nothing compares to the psycho-emotional pain which has characterized the near entirety of my transition [and life]....... :'(

all of us have gone through our own ordeal rhonda.  times are getting better though. :)

Puberty without question.

Quote from: Sophia on July 05, 2007, 12:52:17 AM
The worst thing to me is the complete lack of acceptance. I can fix the pain of having the wrong body with surgery and hormones. I can make new memories as a woman to make up for the things I missed before.

But there will always be people who will decide I'm not a woman or try to persecute me because of my transition, leaving me in fear to share something that shouldn't be an issue with people.

My transsexuality is something that should give me immense insight in the ways male-bodied and female-bodied people are treated and how that affects them. Yet I need to hide that knowledge half the time because people would try to hurt me for being a transsexual.

That just sickens me.

Put another way Sophia, The meer fact that the patriarchal society doesn't understand us because of the long-standing binary gender system that has been used to persecute us for being ourselves - by using the tools of fear, hate, social ostrasization, and threat of violence against transpeople.  :'(

For me, the worst part of being trans is that I've had to hide for too long because of said society...I would have liked to transition in high school if I had the support and knowledge I have now.

Quote from: Fae on July 05, 2007, 11:53:57 PM
Put another way Sophia, The meer fact that the patriarchal society doesn't understand us because of the long-standing binary gender system that has been used to persecute us for being ourselves - by using the tools of fear, hate, social ostrasization, and threat of violence against transpeople.  :'(

That's a way more concise version of what I was trying to say. You put it perfectly.

Quote from: Fae
For me, the worst part of being trans is that I've had to hide for too long because of said society...I would have liked to transition in high school if I had the support and knowledge I have now.

I was in so much denial in high school. I was also a near fundamentalist Christian there too.

The suffering of my family.

Other people's assumptions.

Quote from: Sophia on July 06, 2007, 01:19:01 AM

Quote from: Fae on July 05, 2007, 11:53:57 PM
Put another way Sophia, The meer fact that the patriarchal society doesn't understand us because of the long-standing binary gender system that has been used to persecute us for being ourselves - by using the tools of fear, hate, social ostrasization, and threat of violence against transpeople.  :'(

That's a way more concise version of what I was trying to say. You put it perfectly.

*beams*  ;D

Quote from: Sophia on July 06, 2007, 01:19:01 AM

Quote from: Fae
For me, the worst part of being trans is that I've had to hide for too long because of said society...I would have liked to transition in high school if I had the support and knowledge I have now.

I was in so much denial in high school. I was also a near fundamentalist Christian there too.

Me too!  Were you part of a youth group in HS?  I was, and I hardly talk to the christian friends I had then.

Quote from: Katia on July 05, 2007, 02:58:24 AM

Quote from: Butterfly on July 04, 2007, 05:50:10 AM

I was talking about my experience before FFS.  I had FFS a few years ago in the States and my avatar pic is post-FFS.

i'm glad those hard times are over for you butterfly.  you look terrific on your pic.

Posted on: July 05, 2007, 02:51:44 AM

---

Quote from: Rhonda on July 04, 2007, 07:16:37 AM
Nothing compares to the psycho-emotional pain which has characterized the near entirety of my transition [and life]....... :'(

all of us have gone through our own ordeal rhonda.  times are getting better though. :)

[startled...]

:'(   how sweet of you to say that.

I am post-op and live in a liberal town that is generally very tolerant of people different than themselves but still when I go outside I never know when I'll be put down for who I am. When this happens it feels like all the wind being sucked out of my sails, and I go through life wondering when it will happen again. So I would have to say that the worst thing now are those people who are just looking for ways to make others feel bad about themselves. They make it clear that they think I'm subhuman which makes me wonder if I travel outside of this liberal town how bad will it get.

Quote from: Fae on July 06, 2007, 09:03:48 AM

Quote from: Sophia on July 06, 2007, 01:19:01 AM

Quote from: Fae
For me, the worst part of being trans is that I've had to hide for too long because of said society...I would have liked to transition in high school if I had the support and knowledge I have now.

I was in so much denial in high school. I was also a near fundamentalist Christian there too.

Me too!  Were you part of a youth group in HS?  I was, and I hardly talk to the christian friends I had then.

I definately was and I'm in touch with exactly zero of those people now. LOL

Quote from: Jonie on July 06, 2007, 10:41:16 PM
I am post-op and live in a liberal town that is generally very tolerant of people different than themselves but still when I go outside I never know when I'll be put down for who I am. When this happens it feels like all the wind being sucked out of my sails, and I go through life wondering when it will happen again. So I would have to say that the worst thing now are those people who are just looking for ways to make others feel bad about themselves. They make it clear that they think I'm subhuman which makes me wonder if I travel outside of this liberal town how bad will it get.

My problem is that while I pass nearly effortlessly and look pretty to the point of sexy, damn...................... >:( :'(

It's a strange situation..........a secondary effect of having endured many years of untreated, intense TS........i need to get that karate bag next payday.....[violent...thoughts].................

i have a vicious temper and i don't suffer fools nor abuse lightly at all....the 'bitch' emerges very quickly and she can be merciless.

Too much damage, honey.

My before transition years; all of them.

Easy. Having a body that just isn't me. That is why I have the desire every second of my life to become more and more like who I should be.

  The worst thing is NOW.

I know this is ooold, but-

not being able to live the life that I want to live.
Stagnating.
Because if you can't have what you want, you are just left without a real aim, and somewhat disoriented.

The worst thing is dilating after srs. I can deal with all other challenges but dilating is extremely  painful for me.

Lara

Quote from: Bunter on July 20, 2014, 09:38:30 AM
I know this is ooold, but-

not being able to live the life that I want to live.
Stagnating.
Because if you can't have what you want, you are just left without a real aim, and somewhat disoriented.

This is totally me.  I was always straight A's and gifted program until i hit puberty.  I had the ability to achieve anything in school or career that I wanted, but I didn't achieve much. I have a well paying job with good benefits, but it isn't challenging or fulfilling. I am just maintaining, not living.  It is hard to stay motivated and focused on making the most of a life you don't feel is worth living.

My God this post makes me want to break down and bawl. The worst thing about it to me is we lose people over it like our brother Nero. That we lose too many of us accidentally trying to get relief from the pain for a little while or intentionally because we live in a messed up society that don't even have a clue of who they are even let alone us being transgendered. To me its not about beng transexual or transgender but the fact that society is ignorant to our struggles and strife of dealing with being in the wrong body or what we feel is the wrong body. And when we wear and dress our appropriate internal gender the ignorance that society displays toward us. Pokes fun at us, does not accept us as who we truly are instead of their idea of norm. In my opinion I have never seen anyone LGBT or cis that was completely normal. But normalcy is just another societal illusion.

In my opinion, I do believe that we are more, not normal, but extremely more genuine than the rest of society. Like I said normalcy is another illusion but being true to who you really are is genuine and takes a lot more internal strength than pretending for society's sake and acceptance.

PS sorry for the rant. I kinda' got my own little dysphoria thing right now and usually it manifests as anger toward societal norms. If I offended anyone I apologize.

The worst part for me so far has been the depression. Holding a shaky kitchen knife against my skin with the full intension of killing myself was the most terrifying moment I remember. I'm sure there is more pain to come, but I'll be comforted that im doing the right thing this time.

The worst thing about being transsexual is not being able to admit it. The depression... the sense that something has been fundamentally wrong from the beginning... hating oneself and not knowing why.

It's, umm, pretty nice to be free of all that.

For me? I have to say knowing I will never bear a child of my own body. I have kids from the male aspect of parenthood and I utterly adore them, but I wish I could have carried them too!

For me? Watching my wife swing from normalcy to despair over it wondering when, not if, my marriage is going to collapse.

Shout out to 2007.

This is maybe a daft assertion, but the worst thing about being transsexual for me is being transsexual. I feel better now that I'm not pretending to be a girl, but no matter how good I feel there are people who judge hard, and I'll probably always have occasional despair about not having a "natural" male biology. Just knowing that who I am is unresolvably nonstandard is frustrating.

The freaking worst? Rejection once they clock you or come out. Dating is impossible now, and it is taking a toll in my mental health.

The 8 years of depression from repression.

Being useless in preferred gender.

Quote from: Felix on July 20, 2014, 06:16:24 PM
Shout out to 2007.

Get your Time machine ready Felix.

Yeah, it is an old post but seems fitting since we lost Nero and he started it.

It was so weird to see this post. RIP Nero, your struggles are done.

For me the worst thing is 40ish years of looking in the mirror or looking at pictures and seeing someone who isn't me. That disconnect and self-loathing that happens when I'm reminded that my outsides don't match my inside.

My crotch and people telling me that I'm not really trans because I like wearing skirts.  If I could only change one part of my body and the rest had to stay female, I'd want to have a penis.

Best things about being trans is you really learn alot both about yourself, the people around you, and
gender of the world in general. There is so many things I am sure I would never had knew or thought about if I wasn't trans.

But knowing alot of things can also be hard, specially if nobody ells understand what you do.
ignorance is bless, and in my early years I wished I had cancer or something "more typical" which
I felt people could understand and relate to.

times goes and you learn to deal with your problems in better ways and get better tools to explain your points. it not only being trans but alot of other things which can be hard to people to understand, but I feel trans is one of those things which still many have limitied knowlegde about, and even if they do understand the basic theres so many things they wouldn't. it really hard to deal with people, specially loved once, and know they may never understand your life or what your trying to say to them.

The absolute worst part was knowing that I could never have children. That has bothered me my whole life.

The realization that I can never have my own baby,breast feed all my children and complain about any problems dealing with having periods. Never have a child who will tell me , Mom Happy Mother's Day.

loneliness.

Ugliness and loneliness

Quote from: Felix on July 20, 2014, 06:16:24 PM
Shout out to 2007.

This is maybe a daft assertion, but the worst thing about being transsexual for me is being transsexual. I feel better now that I'm not pretending to be a girl, but no matter how good I feel there are people who judge hard, and I'll probably always have occasional despair about not having a "natural" male biology. Just knowing that who I am is unresolvably nonstandard is frustrating.

I agree that the worst thing about being a transsexual is being a transsexual.  I'd give anything to be cis. 

Too many things, really, many of which have already been stated in this thread. But if I had to pick one thing in particular that has been bothering me recently, rather than the absolute worst thing of all, I would have to go with the realisation that there is now a huge chunk of the world that I will not be able to visit for the foreseeable future if I want to stay safe. I love foreign languages, foreign cultures and foreign countries, and being transgender means that a lot of that is now effectively off limits to me, which really upsets me. I used to be really interested in Russian literature and the Russian language, but can't ever visit Russia now because I am literally a criminal there. And when I make friends from places like Indonesia and Malaysia and they invite me to come and visit them, I know that realistically I can't go given the state of LGBT rights in their respective countries. :/

In fact, in terms of world places that I can reasonably visit as a transgender person without too much fear of prejudice, violence, or arrest, you're talking a tiny minority of the world's countries. I guess if I'm 100% passable after FFS I could feasibly just go in stealth, but I don't think I would feel comfortable knowing that if I were outed, it could have far, far more serious repercussions than it already does in my home country.

Quote from: Nala on July 25, 2014, 09:56:46 AM
Too many things, really, many of which have already been stated in this thread. But if I had to pick one thing in particular that has been bothering me recently, rather than the absolute worst thing of all, I would have to go with the realisation that there is now a huge chunk of the world that I will not be able to visit for the foreseeable future if I want to stay safe. I love foreign languages, foreign cultures and foreign countries, and being transgender means that a lot of that is now effectively off limits to me, which really upsets me. I used to be really interested in Russian literature and the Russian language, but can't ever visit Russia now because I am literally a criminal there. And when I make friends from places like Indonesia and Malaysia and they invite me to come and visit them, I know that realistically I can't go given the state of LGBT rights in their respective countries. :/

In fact, in terms of world places that I can reasonably visit as a transgender person without too much fear of prejudice, violence, or arrest, you're talking a tiny minority of the world's countries. I guess if I'm 100% passable after FFS I could feasibly just go in stealth, but I don't think I would feel comfortable knowing that if I were outed, it could have far, far more serious repercussions than it already does in my home country.

Yea... That is pretty awful too.  I've been thinking about that a bit lately... not that I have money or opportunity to travel at this point, but in the future.  Even in the US there are many places I'd rather not go.  I've been considering signing up for this wwoof thing where you go stay free places and work on organic farms to learn things about the process ect., but being trans makes just going and staying on random peoples farms even more dangerous than it sounds in the first place. 

Perhaps after surgery things will be different.  I guess I can always come up for some excuse for the various scars... being trans isn't something anyone really ever seems to expect of an ftm.

The sense that you'll never get a job being this way...

The combination of never being able to achieve sexual release as a biological man would and seeming like I could never find a girl who would accept me for who I am.

Quote from: Jess42 on July 22, 2014, 09:18:47 AM
Get your Time machine ready Felix.

Yeah, it is an old post but seems fitting since we lost Nero and he started it.

I hope it keeps happening so people can see (or see again) his presence here. I hope his account doesn't get deleted, or at least not soon. I understand that kind of thing is up to his family and not us, but it seems enormously helpful that an online persona exists in some form after a person's death so it's not such a sudden blank wall.

Quote from: janetcgtv on July 22, 2014, 04:36:21 PM
The realization that I can never have my own baby,breast feed all my children and complain about any problems dealing with having periods. Never have a child who will tell me , Mom Happy Mother's Day.

Janet I have great respect for your feelings about birth and breastfeeding, but you could someday have kids who call you Mom and celebrate Mother's Day with you. That part isn't hopeless. There are a lot of ways to end up with a person who sees you as a parent, and no matter how we start, our gender is usually the arbiter of whether we are moms or dads.

I already answered the thread title question, but today I'll be more specific and say that the worst thing for me right now is looking young. There are age-related rocks in the road constantly. I don't relate stellarly to people as young as I actually am, so I don't like been seen as an age-peer by college kids or even teenagers sometimes. It gets thorny and occasionally dangerous when people think I'm either dating or friends with my teenaged child. I had a cop once ask what I paid for my driver's license, and I told him $60 or whatever the DMV process costs because I didn't realize he thought it was fake until his followup questions. People coming around with petitions for ballot measures regularly laugh and tell me I'm not old enough to vote when I look up in response to their queries about registered voters. Most of what I don't sign is because I'm uncomfortable about that, not because of my actual political opinions. Almost everything I do in life would be better and more predictable if I looked older.

I still think the worst thing in the bigger picture is the unchangeable fact of it.

i'm gonna throw in another one...like many others loneliness and an empty void that can't ever be fixed..not directly caused by being trans* but a product of life long events. Sigh, its nice to forget.

I hate the paranoia... how even on good days, I'm afraid of being somewhere by myself and passing really well but then, I dunno, someone finds my wallet or I have to pay with my card or something and people find out about me being trans. I'm just terrified that everyone in a room will find out and I won't be able to be the one to tell them and they'll all just start misgendering me and I won't be able to say or do anything (terrible anxiety here... if I think there's even a chance I'll be outed I start stuttering and freeze up and can't speak at all)

Working your butt off trying to be happy with yourself but constantly failing and getting frustrated, confused and depressed.

Also, being called "Sir" every single day.
I naturally cringe whenever I hear it. -_-

Aside from physical dysphoria, two things come most to mind.
1. Paranoia that people will find out and mistreat me. Or, being treated differently when people do know.
2. Pre-transition memories. Even small things like remembering my mother calling me by birth name. There's so much of my life that I don't want to remember or think about.

Spiro tastes like chalk dipped in ass. Weight loss went from almost impossible to laughably impossible.
I lost every "family" member I've ever known, but whatever.

Feeling like I could never measure up to other (cis)people.

I'll throw in a curly one.
The worst thing is dealing with trans*groups, trying to get them to cooperate and deal with the big issues rather than self driven petty fiefdoms.
Why do we as a group that has to work together rip ourselves apart and so fail to help each other.

Quote from: CindyThe worst thing is dealing with trans*groups, trying to get them to cooperate and deal with the big issues rather than self driven petty fiefdoms.
Why do we as a group that has to work together rip ourselves apart and so fail to help each other.

Oh, Lor'. That. I first became involved in LGBT politics 40-some years ago (pretty much right after Stonewall, in fact), and that made it sooo hard to get anything done. It's depressing that nothing has changed, but it's a... human thing, I guess.

If you'll forgive me, Cindy, for attempting to answer a rhetorical question -- I think much of it has to do with feeling powerless in relation to the actual sources of our oppression -- it's easy (and safe!) to puff oneself up and feel "big" by turning on other powerless people.

Knowing that my life would never be how I feel it should be like and do things and having the ability to experience life the way I think it should have been like if I had been born with the body I feel I should really have, perhaps the most importantly the fact that I will never have an actual penis and being able to have children as a biological man. I also wish that I had started my transition sooner so I could have gotten taller and broader shoulders.

Quote from: Tysilio on August 01, 2014, 07:51:18 AM
Oh, Lor'. That. I first became involved in LGBT politics 40-some years ago (pretty much right after Stonewall, in fact), and that made it sooo hard to get anything done. It's depressing that nothing has changed, but it's a... human thing, I guess.

If you'll forgive me, Cindy, for attempting to answer a rhetorical question -- I think much of it has to do with feeling powerless in relation to the actual sources of our oppression -- it's easy (and safe!) to puff oneself up and feel "big" by turning on other powerless people. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fmad.gif&hash=2be79bb1f4e13f48d20ed360196901bfeedb60c3)

I will give this an echo as many LGBTQ activists have found the Bs and Ts are still in the back of the bus.  Being both B and T has been an exercise in tolerance for me.  I consider that many people just can't handle shades of grey or not having an absolute simple formula that fits everyone.  Living with questions and being open to new ideas is not easy it seems.  So hey, we are still here and THANK YOU for helping us knock down walls and subvert the dominate paradigms.

Quote from: Cindy on August 01, 2014, 03:55:24 AM
I'll throw in a curly one.
The worst thing is dealing with trans*groups, trying to get them to cooperate and deal with the big issues rather than self driven petty fiefdoms.
Why do we as a group that has to work together rip ourselves apart and so fail to help each other.

This is a bizarre reality.

Er...being born a transsexual in the first place.

The  worst thing about being transsexual is that you have to go through so much psychological progress to receive your  hormones and tell em over a year " yes I really am female". Thats just my opinion about it so glad I finished that with 16 and thats already long way behind me. Its just so ridiculous to ensure everyone of your self identity to receive what you really require.


<No foul language on this site>

The worst thing was living in terror of ever letting my guard down, even inside the safety of my own head. 

I spent decades scared into emotional paralysis by thoughts & desires I couldn't process or control. 

I was not able to admit to myself that the thoughts & desires were real and needed to be addressed until avoiding them brought me to the ER.

This is more a commentary on the culture in which I grew up than on actually being trans.  But it is definitely the worst thing I have had to deal with as a result of being trans.

It is a relief to finally feel that it is OK to be who I am. 

Tessa

After yesterday's heat I revised my opinion, the worst thing is having boob sweat and scrotum sweat at the same time.

Quote from: Dee Walker on August 05, 2014, 07:50:39 AM
After yesterday's heat I revised my opinion, the worst thing is having boob sweat and scrotum sweat at the same time.

Ahh thank you for that ::)

Def too much info :laugh:

Wishing you the best on your journey in the next life Nero.

But to answer this question, for me, it's knowing I'll never be cis. I'll never know what it's like to wake up with "morning wood", to never know the embarassment of an "unwanted erection" or to even know what it's like to ejaculate. I use to always want to have a penis, even if it meant having to have breast because I knew those could be removed. People may wonder why I'd want to experience the embarrassing things...Well, it'd be part of being a male and just something that would be much desired over having to transition.

What does it feel like to be transgender?  This is the way I describe it:

Imagine someone you truly love, someone you love with all your heart and soul, someone you love so much that, if it came down to it, you might actually give your life for them.  And now imagine that you've lost them--for whatever reason--and you can never have them again for as long as you live.

That's what it feels like to be trans, and for me, among all the problems connected with being trans, this is the worst: that constant longing, that never-ending ache for that person inside that is truly you, that person you want to be and that society is hell-bent on preventing you from being.  It hurts so much to want and need somebody you cannot have and be.

The worst thing is being judged....I one time had a former friend who turned enemy on me call me "boyfriend" to my actual boyfriend (he's FTM) and they also called him a girl. I was just so angry...I don't understand how people can be so mean...can't they just leave us be?

Wow. Way to dig up bad memories.  :-\

1. Being trans, and
2. All the bloody waiting

I suppose 1 edges out number 2 since (eventually) the waiting will be over, but omg before HRT I never thought that just waiting could be so difficult or take so much out of me mentally!

The #1 worst thing for me is... I will never be physically authentic.
(Unless my body is somehow magically corrected)

Disclosing.

I can live my life as a normal guy, and I forget most of the time that I'm trans.  But then there always comes that time where you need to disclose.  Or people ask innocent questions about your family (ie kids's mom, who is she..._) and figuring out how to answer a) without lying and b) without disclosing.

I really don't feel like it is anyone else's business.  I don't discuss my other medical conditions, either.

The gatekeepers.

Losing brothers and sisters.

I await the day when 95% trans people die of old age..

I have to agree with many here on page 1 who said Puberty. Plus my being IS on top of being trans added to the horror of watching once totally feminine features be transformed into something in between. Oh yes out of all the horrors and worse I've been through to get to where I am now in this happy place, I would say for me puberty was the absolute worse thing I've ever had to endure.

R.I.P. Nero, Wishing you everlasting peace :icon_bunch:

Ali :icon_flower:

Realizing how many years I lived being utterly unhappy. I'm glad those days are long long gone :)

Either being judged by others or simply not being cis.  I wish I could bear a child, but I will (probably, unless technology advances enough) never be able to become pregnant and be a biological mother.  Its a big form of dysphoria for me.

Constantly switching back to male mode. Removing the nail polish. Double scrubbing the face to remove any hints of makeup, etc.  The act in itself is not so bad just always depressing wishing I did not have to transform back.  Once back to male mode I am okay  it's that transition backwards....

Quote from: VickyMI on August 15, 2014, 06:51:58 AM
Constantly switching back to male mode. Removing the nail polish. Double scrubbing the face to remove any hints of makeup, etc.  The act in itself is not so bad just always depressing wishing I did not have to transform back.  Once back to male mode I am okay  it's that transition backwards....

I know exactly what you're saying, Vicky.  In fact, this was the main impetus for my coming out of the closet: I could no longer deal with going back to guy-mode.  It was breaking my heart.  I needed to be me all the time.  That's who I am these days, and it is a blessed relief.

Quote from: kelly_aus on August 12, 2014, 09:00:44 AM
Losing brothers and sisters.

I await the day when 95% trans people die of old age..

This most definitely. But honestly I think we are already close to that even though the cis population will never admit it though. ;) But it still hurts when we lose people that aren't afraid to live an authentic life. Especially those of us on this sight which we love and cherish as actual brothers and sisters and come to know and love.

The waiting is huge one my book right now. I thought once the therapist wrote the letter opening up the gate for HRT that it wouldn't be a long wait before being on the hormones. Instead I'm having to wait at least 3 months to get to see the ENDO I'm being sent to for the first time. I have learned this par for the course, but the worst part of that this doctor requires his nurses to look over the chart before allowing an appointment to be scheduled. Not knowing when I'm going to hear from them is what is really been making me anxious lately. My therapist said she has seen it take anywhere from a few days to a month for them to schedule the first appointment with this particular ENDO.

Quote from: Jessika Lin on August 10, 2014, 11:44:37 AM
1. Being trans, and
2. All the bloody waiting

I suppose 1 edges out number 2 since (eventually) the waiting will be over, but omg before HRT I never thought that just waiting could be so difficult or take so much out of me mentally!

First, just the wrongness of it all, and second, all the social negativity.

All the wasted years of my life.  Would that I had transitioned at the age of two.  The longing and regret that I did not get to be a young boy in school, a teenage boy during puberty, a young man in college...  All those years during which I should have been a brother and a son and a boyfriend. 

If these are the worst things for me, then the worst is behind me.  The path ahead is not easy, but it is finally going in the right direction. 

The worst part for me is that I think I have a good life, but it's just not that the life I want. Well, I do have problems, but there's very little I'd want to change. It seems I have everything I need to be have a good life as a guy, but it's not what I want. I feel a little ungrateful about that.

Then there's also the uncertainty part, I keep fighting myself all the time. One second I feel like I've finally learned to accept myself, minutes later, I'm pretty disgusted with myself.

Or maybe the worst part about being TG is the fact that I think about it ALL THE TIME!

and the thought of coming out to my parents, and putting them through all this. They will start wondering where they went wrong. I don't blame them.

Not accepting myself in time to stop the effects of testosterone. The years of self loathing don't help.

But the best thing is being able to have a very unique perspective on the world to allow me to better understand the entire human race, not just half of it.

First off I have to say that I may be not that experienced at this since I have basically just started to accept that I am trans and finding the hope in it but.  As a fact that I am older I do wish I had not been bullied and other things that didn't put me into a shell so that I may have realized whom I really was earlier in life.  All that being said since I can not change the past I can at least change the future:) Like many here and now that I think puberty didn't overly stress me out yet I feel its when I started to get the socially taboo feelings of messing with idea that I want to be opposite gender.  I am at this point just totally stagnant in my life no job no aspirations of what to do as far as job, relationship wise never had one period and just plain going nowhere.  Yet with this realization finally hitting me it has give me finally some meaning in life and desire to do something that will make me happy for once in my life and to get out of the shell I have stuck myself into due to being caught/unaccepted. I am a realist and do understand the path set before me will not be easy by any stretch of the imagination but feel it is something I must do and to hopefully grow to be a happier and more enriched person.

To others may you find some happiness in the past at least happiness in the future there most be hope!:)

Since I am a post transition person, I have fixed my problem. I solved the born in the wrong body problem and now I am happy. So personally that doesn't apply to me anymore.

The only part I didn't like was taking years to figure it out and trying other things to disguise my problem. I was pretty sure what was wrong with me, but I was too damn scared to lift a finger and do anything. The "confusion" part of my life when I walked around thinking 'could I be one of those kind of people? Nah not me' just to end up at square 1 again was the part I wished I could cancel out. Other than that it's all good :)

The worst thing, right now at least, is that it feels like it will never be over. I had a hallelujah moment at eighteen, finally figuring out why I'd felt so weird and wrong about my body all my life, and I thought that knowing would lead directly to being. It's a longer path than I, at eighteen, could have imagined. I only just yesterday called the Howard Brown clinic to finally set up my appointments for bloodwork and conversation with a hormone advocate and I'm 21 now. And after I've started on T there's still the long process of the physical changes actually occurring and then the name change and then my driver's license and top surgery and it just seems like I'm going to be wrestling with my more feminine features for the whole rest of my life. That's the worst thing.

The worst part for me is that either I face a choice. Continue to live in anguish with my fake life or potentially destroy my really awesome family life.

I wouldn't lie, my life is not perfect but my kids are my world. My wife also understands me like no other and has always stood beside me.

Why couldn't I have been cis or at least transitioned early?

There were obviously people in my life who knew, the people who let me wear girl clothes, play girl games, paint my nails, pierce my ears and even pretend that I was a girl (well, pretend for them. I AM a girl.) Right down to probably my mom who bought me girl clothes without telling me they were.

Well, at least I am still alive so I can make things right.

The worst thing about being transsexual is the mental torture you have to go through because of it. When just existing in your own body is so painful, that feeling of deep depression and dysphoria is inescapable... Even when you're having one of your best days ever, there is always that awful feeling holding you back from feeling truly happy. There's nothing worse than that, nothing that society or any external source could do that would be worse than the constant anguish I lived in for years.

Nothing.

Is it easy? No. Has it been hard, painful even? Yes. But the payoff has been so worth it. Transition forged me into someone I love being. Transition opened my eyes to a wonderful world I was too blind and prejudiced to see before. Transition, was a healing.

Being cis would have certain advantages, true. But I don't know if I could have learned things I needed to know if I were cis. Being trans has been a blessing for me and the tough parts, they were just part of the path and now they help me know I did the right thing for my life.

Guilt and confusion over if I'm taking something away from my mom who raised who she saw as her daughter, if I'm doing something wrong

Right now for me it's the guilt I feel for doing this to my husband. And the feeling that I have to choose between being true to myself and our marriage, the life we have built for us together. Feels like a lose lose situation.

Losing people.

Lately it's been people's reactions. Pity, awkwardness, assumptions that I'm deceitful, etc. I look forward to when awareness has increased enough that I don't have to deal with people working out all their opinions in person.

Not accepting I was trans earlier,because in the meantime I did everything I could to destroy the body I was born with instead of taking steps towards transition and finally getting more confortable with myself. Also knowing intimacy will never ever be an easy thing for me.

1. Guilt of doing this to my wife, but based on how she's accepted other things about me I am hoping for a good outcome.

2. Fear of kids being bullied because of who I am (your daddy is a tr***y!!!)

3. Not growing up in my correct gender, especially with regard to school. This is a big one. I went to boys only schools, but we did have a few girls in 6th form who were there by exception, they were there to do specialized subjects only we offered. I so badly wanted to be one of them, but I also wanted to attend either a co-ed school or one of the girls' schools. I really did not have a choice though. I am pretty smart and the schools that offered the subjects my parents wanted me to do and were close enough to home were boys (and girls) schools. I was actually not only top of my class but top of two primary schools I went to, by far, in fact. So I passed my entrance exam and could have gone to any school that I wanted. My parents chose the school for me pretty much. Co-ed schools were the Government run schools and while I could go there, I was told that I would never realize my full potential there.

So I went to the boys school... and I pretty much became a mess when the T started poisoning me at puberty.

I missed out on a lot of things, including girls school uniforms, dating and boys, girl scouts (I tried boy scouts, hated it) and the teen years, the malls, and maybe even my mom or aunts and cousins coaching me into womanhood.

4. SRS and surgery scares me. Maintenance post SRS also scares me with constant dilation being required to maintain what should have been a natural part of me. But it's a path I want to take.

5. Transitioning is expensive! And it's not always covered by insurance, if at all.

6. You're torn between wanting to be out and wanting to be stealth. Both have their benefits. Stealth allowing a more or less normal life, but with some fear that you'll be outed eventually. Out allows you to get rid of that fear, but some in society view you as a freak, and my fear is the "Tr***y" word being constantly thrown at me.

7. I enjoy some "guy" activities and I'm afraid of what will happen to the friends I enjoy it with when I'm fully into transition. Will I lose my friends that I go to the shooting range with? A lot of time it's just (pardon the expression) cock and balls out there. Yes, there are women who shoot, and I shoot with them sometimes but when you're with the guys it's different.

8. I am really scared of any diagnosis of mental disorder, for various reasons. Thankfully attitudes towards transgender are changing immensely and that helps.

9. Not being able to reproduce as a woman.

Things I will NOT miss:

Dysphoria (go FAR away, DO NOT come back, EVER!)
Men's clothes (boooooooring)
Health problems associated with anxiety and dysphoria
Living a lie - it's cliche but it fits
Having too hide who I am
Men's restrooms

Quote from: bibilinda on September 14, 2014, 09:23:21 PM
NOT PASSING 100% of the time. BEING AT THE RISK OF BEING MISGENDERED AT ANY TIME. That is the worst nightmare for any transgender/transsexual person. If you're a stealth transsexual and pass 100% of the time, that's it, you've got it all and IMHO you have nothing to complain about related to being a trans person.

That's a fear to be sure. Even stealth people run the risk of being outed unless they transitioned while very young. But I doubt I will be able to avoid my past unless I completely disappear, even if I "pass " 100%

Of late, dilation. I have one seriously tight PC muscle!

Quote from: bibilinda on September 14, 2014, 09:23:21 PM
If you're a stealth transsexual and pass 100% of the time, that's it, you've got it all and IMHO you have nothing to complain about related to being a trans person.

Yep, cause all your problems related to being trans disappear after you are able to go stealth and/or pass 100%.   ::)

Worrying if the quality of health care I receive will be affected because the medical professionals will be distracted and caught off-guard when they don't have experience with trans people, at least on a subconscious level, even if they have the best intentions. Or worse, that they will be disgusted and provide sub-standard care.

My primary care doctor is fantastic, so I don't mean that, I more mean in an emergency setting, or if I went back to the south where I grew up, or had a problem when travelling to another country or something.

I think the prejudicial assessment that a person makes of a TS individual in the event one is outed before meeting a person is sad. and about a thousand other things.

Quote from: bibilinda on September 14, 2014, 09:23:21 PM
NOT PASSING 100% of the time. BEING AT THE RISK OF BEING MISGENDERED AT ANY TIME. That is the worst nightmare for any transgender/transsexual person. If you're a stealth transsexual and pass 100% of the time, that's it, you've got it all and IMHO you have nothing to complain about related to being a trans person.

This is a little intense. I'm semi-stealth depending on the context and I'm pretty sure that if I could just go to a new city alone and never be misgendered again I would still have some struggles around being transgender. I think if I had all the surgeries I needed and all my documents were correct and my hrt was always affordable and discretely available, I'd still have suffering over my body not being what it should have been, or about having to revise/throw away so much of my childhood narrative, or fears about what sex-related health problems I might face because my doctors treat me as a normal male. Even if each and every detail about my transition was as perfect as I could imagine, I think I would have issues. Transition is necessary and being read as one's actual gender is super valuable, but you seem to be saying that we are somehow fixable. I'm all for respect and recognition and appropriate medical treatment, but nobody gets to rewrite the universe. We just do the best we can to be okay.

I keep having this reflex feeling that if we just comment on his threads enough then fa will come back and join the discussion. :(

I can't get my new voice right, I am going half my time staying silent because people read me the moment I open my mouth. Cue tears, frustration and self loathing.....

OK I have answered previously and now that I thought about it quite a bit, the worst thing about being transsexual is society and it's narrow mindedness on gender expression. As for being transsexual, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with it if society wasn't so stupid or ignorant or narrow minded. I mean my god, you have guys that fall for MTFs and girls that fall FTMs all the time until they find out. Really, do you mean to tell me that these people have no clue? Are they really that stupid? I mean, come on. They were attracted to the person before they found out. Truth be known they are still attracted but have to act big in front of everyone else. You see this on Springer all the time, however true that might be. But my heart opens when the other person don't care and still is interested the person involved. I hate to say it but I have actually shed a tear watching Jerry Springer a couple of times. Yeah I know Jerry Springer but please don't hate me for watching.

Quote from: Jess42 on September 16, 2014, 02:52:05 PM
OK I have answered previously and now that I thought about it quite a bit, the worst thing about being transsexual is society and it's narrow mindedness on gender expression. As for being transsexual, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with it if society wasn't so stupid or ignorant or narrow minded. I mean my god, you have guys that fall for MTFs and girls that fall FTMs all the time until they find out. Really, do you mean to tell me that these people have no clue? Are they really that stupid? I mean, come on. They were attracted to the person before they found out. Truth be known they are still attracted but have to act big in front of everyone else. You see this on Springer all the time, however true that might be. But my heart opens when the other person don't care and still is interested the person involved. I hate to say it but I have actually shed a tear watching Jerry Springer a couple of times. Yeah I know Jerry Springer but please don't hate me for watching.

Jess I know what you mean and how you feel on this. Not from personal experience thankfully I've been lucky in that regard so far. Yes, I too have shed a tear watching Jerry Springer more than once. The show isn't really my cup of tea, but I have friends who watch it and I have with them during our neighborly girl talk sessions. I've also saw some things on there that have really turned my stomach with regard to a few trans people and how their partner, who obviously loved them before finding out, treated them after they did. The shallowness of some people both appalls and amazes me. How could anyone be so cruel to someone you love? Regardless of what's between their legs. A lack of empathy for others shown by some people literally turns my stomach.

Ally :icon_flower:

Quote from: Alice Rogers on September 16, 2014, 09:01:15 AM
I can't get my new voice right, I am going half my time staying silent because people read me the moment I open my mouth. Cue tears, frustration and self loathing.....

Confidence! It's all about confidence! Girls can have deeper voices, it isn't unnatural. If you get the mannerisms right and speak confidently then most people won't even think about your voice. It is a fine line though. Going too far can send signals as well. I think it would possibly help to focus on the rhythm of how women talk and not try too hard on duplicating a particular sound.

The frustration of waiting to be me.

Quote from: Allyda on September 17, 2014, 04:02:33 PM
Jess I know what you mean and how you feel on this. Not from personal experience thankfully I've been lucky in that regard so far. Yes, I too have shed a tear watching Jerry Springer more than once. The show isn't really my cup of tea, but I have friends who watch it and I have with them during our neighborly girl talk sessions. I've also saw some things on there that have really turned my stomach with regard to a few trans people and how their partner, who obviously loved them before finding out, treated them after they did. The shallowness of some people both appalls and amazes me. How could anyone be so cruel to someone you love? Regardless of what's between their legs. A lack of empathy for others shown by some people literally turns my stomach.

Ally :icon_flower:

Thank You Ally. When I mentioned Jerry Springer I had an image of all kinds of rotten tomatoes being thrown at me. :( But seriously though, I just wonder how much is actual and how much is staged? A lot I think has to be staged. I mean you go on the Jerry Springer Show and you don't already know? I ask myself who would go on a show like that without knowing what they are getting into? I usually practice when his show is on so I don't really hear a lot of what is going on. But when I do see someone that finds out and acts like it's no big deal. I stop. Shed a few little tears of happiness and then go on. But seriously though, unless you are looking for your 15 minutes, who wouldn't know? In my experience it has never ever stopped at oral. :embarrassed: Plus I let them know and let them decide from the very beginning. I don't want any surprises and really don't want to be a victim for assault or sexual assault either. :-\ Some girls could even beat me up so...

Quote from: Abby Claire on September 17, 2014, 04:16:08 PM
Confidence! It's all about confidence! Girls can have deeper voices, it isn't unnatural. If you get the mannerisms right and speak confidently then most people won't even think about your voice. It is a fine line though. Going too far can send signals as well. I think it would possibly help to focus on the rhythm of how women talk and not try too hard on duplicating a particular sound.

This^^___^^ is so so true. I passed without thinking about it for years before I recently found my voice. And my voice was atrocious. I only had problems on the phone. But out in public no one seemed to pay any attention when I spoke. I was just another girl out running her errands. I am very confident in my ability to pass which comes from doing so for a number of years. Confidence is key. If you look nervous you attract attention to yourself. I only recently (about a month and a half ago) finally found my voice after over 5 years of trying. In fact I had nearly given up thinking the damage done to my throat in my 91 accident was just too severe for me to ever make a feminine voice. None of the standard techniques worked for me. My breakthrough finally came while doing my housework, and singing. Singing along not caring how I sounded while I did my housework is what helped me find my voice. So just do the best you can, remain confident and keep practicing with whatever technique that works for you. And most of all remember, that you yourself can't tell how you sound to others just by listening to yourself as you speak. You must record yourself and play it back to yourself to get an accurate sense of how you sound to others. When I speak in my head I sound like a bellowing tragedy. But when I play back a recording of myself I hear a pleasant soft sounding feminine voice. And the best part is, I no longer get sirr'ed on the phone, and haven't been for over a month now.

Ally :icon_flower:

^ I think singing really works.  I am not quite there yet with my voice but I have been singing a lot to different music.  Singing will also increase your lung capacity which will help with higher voices because you go through your air faster.  It is funny that I can usually sing with the same tone as a female but it is harder to just speak, but singing definitely improves it for me.

The worst thing for me so far is just this horrible fear of coming out, but I'm left with no choice because I fully realize the extent of my unhappiness as a man.

Quote from: Deinewelt on September 18, 2014, 09:04:07 PM
^ I think singing really works.  I am not quite there yet with my voice but I have been singing a lot to different music.  Singing will also increase your lung capacity which will help with higher voices because you go through your air faster.  It is funny that I can usually sing with the same tone as a female but it is harder to just speak, but singing definitely improves it for me.

The worst thing for me so far is just this horrible fear of coming out, but I'm left with no choice because I fully realize the extent of my unhappiness as a man.

Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue. Vince Neil. If you can get those tones down and figure out how to use them in you everyday voice. I think you got it. I used to have to sing that song and I absolutely hate that song to this day. But it s a good way to practice a female voice.

For me the song was Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." I'm not too big of a Katy Perry fan tho. I listen to other stuff like Nightwish, Epica, Therion, and Revamp more often. But that's the song that gave me my breakthrough.

Ally ;)

Quote from: Melissa on July 02, 2007, 01:28:23 PM
I would say the worst thing is not having experienced growing up as the gender we knew we should have been.  I wish I had a history as a girl, that my parents, brother, sister, family saw me as female, but now everything is messed up.  Just the fact that my memories will never be of growing up as a girl really hurts.

I have to agree, as I see young girls, bouncy and cheerful, dressed really cute and I get jealous, feel like a freak because I am now 46 years old.

Quote from: Allyda on September 19, 2014, 11:42:52 AM
For me the song was Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." I'm not too big of a Katy Perry fan tho. I listen to other stuff like Nightwish, Epica, Therion, and Revamp more often. But that's the song that gave me my breakthrough.

Ally ;)

I love Nightwish, Epica, and Therion.  My only thing is that most of the music has been "Played out" in my mind.  I spent many years listening to Gotham Radio.  After these were mostly played out, I switched over to darkwave/electronica/industrial.  Right now I've listening to Blutengel.  They have a great album entitled "Tranenherz", which means "Trans Heart" in german.  The music can be pretty dark so I wouldn't listen to it if you don't like very dark music.

Quote from: Deinewelt on September 19, 2014, 03:07:54 PM
I love Nightwish, Epica, and Therion.  My only thing is that most of the music has been "Played out" in my mind.  I spent many years listening to Gotham Radio.  After these were mostly played out, I switched over to darkwave/electronica/industrial.  Right now I've listening to Blutengel.  They have a great album entitled "Tranenherz", which means "Trans Heart" in german.  The music can be pretty dark so I wouldn't listen to it if you don't like very dark music.

Oh I love dark music. I'll look them up and check it out! Thanks! :)

Ally ;)

 the worst thing about transitioning without a doubt is the rudely judgmental and inappropriate comments made, because at the end of the day you cant change somebody's option but if they were willing to get to know you as a person they would see that we are human BEAUTIFUL, Eccentric, amazingly strong WOMEN!!!!

Quote from: bibilinda on September 18, 2014, 11:49:41 PM
Yeah, I did go a bit overboard on my "passing" remark. I added a note at the end of my comment. There are of course many other very important issues, although I still think passing 100% of the time is THE single most important issue for any trans person. So I stand corrected!

Hey, thanks for being cool about my response. I might have overreacted. Living as my target gender is really important, and all the details I listed are mostly just problems in doing so.

My worst thing about being trans lately is how I keep getting used to life and then having random cispeople find out and act like I have three heads or something.

The obvious answer for me is dysphoria, but if I had to pick a specific thing... it would probably be the fact that hormones will = no longer being attractive for me.

Quote from: spacerace on September 15, 2014, 10:56:44 PM
Worrying if the quality of health care I receive will be affected because the medical professionals will be distracted and caught off-guard when they don't have experience with trans people, at least on a subconscious level, even if they have the best intentions. Or worse, that they will be disgusted and provide sub-standard care.

My primary care doctor is fantastic, so I don't mean that, I more mean in an emergency setting, or if I went back to the south where I grew up, or had a problem when travelling to another country or something.

THIS.

I've had to switch from the doctor I've had since the day I was born because he refused to refer me to a gender therapist. Now I've got a new doctor assigned to me, courtesy of Covered California, and the new guy seems to be sabotaging my attempts to see a gender therapist too. I've submitted all the right paperwork to the gender therapist but they can't set up an appointment (and it takes months to get a consultation there) until my doc sends the right authorization forms. I've been trying to get my doc to do it since I switched over a few MONTHS ago, and they still haven't followed through and I can't spend another two weeks trying to find another doctor only to be disappointed again. I just can't. I don't think I'm going to be able to wait and I'm going to wind up offing myself.

For me, it is understanding the thought processes involved in allocating gender.

Because knowing this is what makes it difficult to exist, it means I'm understanding of the opinions my outward presentation will cause. And also this provides me internal turmoil as I struggle to accept that my body stops me from being  a normal girl.

This is by far for me the worst thing, I BELIEVE focussing on sex/gender allocation is a toxic place to be.
However Sex is in our nature and the allocations of sex/gender are a huge part of being human, as we seek out ultimately our preference in partners. 

And in this area too, "being aware of these allocating processes" make this extremely hurtful as we understand that if we are lucky to find an accepting partner,  any number of things about our bodies prevent us from accepting that our partner see us as undoubtedly our identity.

Feelings of inadequacy are the worst part of it for me...

That feeling that no matter how much I've been on hormones, they won't ever change the fact that I went through a male puberty. And thus I'll always feel like less of a woman because I'll always have wider shoulders, a changed voice, a receded hairline, bigger pores and less skin softness, bigger hands, bigger feet, and a stockier build with big bones.

And this is from someone who does pass. I still feel bad about my appearance a lot, and still feel like I'll still never be the woman that I really wish I could be. It's that pain of what could have been that's the worst part.

Getting fired from jobs twice as a result of being trans, and being rejected from a job interview because of my nervousness as a result of that too, has done my mental state no favors either. In fact, it's probably a cause. It's hard to have self-esteem about being trans when it came damned close to destroying my entire working life. That's made me so damned afraid of other people's judgment, and so afraid of messing up.

For me the worst thing is when an account on here goes quiet and I am left wondering what happened. People share so much of what they feel that I find it all but impossible not to care.

Keep yourselves safe.

Rosie

at the moment:  I keep oscillating between happy & excited to know who I really am, then flip! to part of me going "You're $@#%ing nuts! You're imagining #@%& "

I can usually turn the volume down on the negative voice if i stroll through a few memories and say "Nope, I'm pretty sure I'm not nutters." 

Quote from: Allyda on September 19, 2014, 11:42:52 AM
For me the song was Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." I'm not too big of a Katy Perry fan tho. I listen to other stuff like Nightwish, Epica, Therion, and Revamp more often. But that's the song that gave me my breakthrough.

Ally ;)

Katy Perry gives me extreme dysphoria attacks. Especially where she did the ice bucket challenge on the pirate ship in a bikini. I felt down for the rest of the day when I saw that. :(

Quote from: H, H, H, Honeypot! on September 22, 2014, 04:46:52 PM
For me the worst thing is when an account on here goes quiet and I am left wondering what happened. People share so much of what they feel that I find it all but impossible not to care.

Keep yourselves safe.

Rosie

In my short time here I have wondered the same thing.

On the one hand it could be the unthinkable... but on the other hand maybe the girl/guy just wants to get on with their life and even live stealth. You never really know and yes, it is impossible not to care.

Quote from: ImagineKate on September 23, 2014, 10:49:07 AM
Katy Perry gives me extreme dysphoria attacks. Especially where she did the ice bucket challenge on the pirate ship in a bikini. I felt down for the rest of the day when I saw that. :(

I'm not a Katy Perry fan either. I much prefer Nightwish(pre 2005), Epica, Therion, Evanescence, Eluveitie, Revamp, Hammerfall, Queessryche, Pantera, and other bands like them, to give you an idea of what I normally listen to. That song tho, "I Kissed A Girl" has a catchy phrase/tune that was easy for me to sing along with, and I can hit her range. It was that song that helped me find my voice regardless of her on stage/video antics. ;)

Peace Everyone. :)
Ally :icon_flower: