Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm curious how other women live. I know both "stealth" and "out" lifestyles have merit, but if you want to share what made you choose one or the other, I'd be very interested.

My family, friends, and co-workers all know. Everyone else does not know.

I chose "I'm out and active as a trans women. Most people know I'm trans."

Couldn't be stealth since I'm married and have to live around all the people I've know for 35 years or more.  There's still a lot of people in my area who don't know, and I guess you could say that I'm stealth to them, but not deliberately.  I expect that within three or four years I'll just be a woman without being anything else, and I'll leave "trans" behind.

My coworkers and family know. But I'm completely stealth to my BF's family. We go visit them often, and nobody suspects. :)

Quote from: ZoeM on November 30, 2013, 11:54:19 AM
My coworkers and family know. But I'm completely stealth to my BF's family. We go visit them often, and nobody suspects. :)

Zoe that really doesn't surprise me that your bf's family doesn't suspect a thing. ;)

My friends, family, and clients know, but I've started asking people to not include this information when I'm about to be introduced.  If it's someone I'm close to, I don't mind them knowing.  But it's a new and wonderful feeling that now when I meet people, they've only known me as a woman.  To me, it's distracting, and uncouth, to reveal such personal information to every person I meet.  But I don't like keeping secrets.  It would really just depend on the level of our relationship.

I don't wear it on my sleeve or anything and no one thinks anything when I'm out in public but pretty much everyone who's actually in my life knows and it's pretty cool, really. Then again, it'd be pretty hard to do advocacy while stealth. :-P

I've only been full time since the beginning of august so pretty much everyone I know currently is aware of the situation, some are actually quite interested.

I don't tell new people I meet that I'm trans but I don't deny it if questioned, and that probably won't change once I'm further along with transition

The odd thing is that I fall in between those answers. I don't keep it a secret, but not very many people know anymore. 4+ years post-transition, the gossip grapevine has died out, and I don't often find a good excuse to drop it into conversation. I'm too shy to bring it up in the first minute of conversation, and then it seems awkward to mention it out of the blue later, so... I do mention it in my Twitter profile, but there are even a lot of people there who don't figure it out. :)

(I suppose more people would know if my wife corrected everyone who assumed she divorced "past me" and remarried a woman, but she feels weird doing that and even if I wanted to be aggressively out I wouldn't offload the burden of that onto her.)

I make no effort to hide it, what you see is what you get.

It's not that I don't think I could be Stealth, I just think it's better for our rights movement if instead of pretending to be something we aren't lucky enough to be (cis-women) we should just be upfront. "Yes I'm a transwoman, I'm just like any other girl, I just have a Y Chromosome."

I'm not saying we should go into a coffee shop screaming "HEY! I'VE GOT A PENIS! AINT THAT WONDERFUL!", and definitely do not out yourself if it's dangerous or you believe a business or agency will discriminate against you.

Which HAS happened before (Example:The DMV refused to change the gender on my license even though I had the necessary paper work and kept restating that F Gender Markers are ONLY for "actual girls, you know the ones BORN that way." and kept calling me an "It"... they changed their mind after I threatened to sue them for discrimination. I was given a fake number when I demanded to call their main branch to complain. Given the circumstances there was no way I could have done that without outing myself. But Government Agencies WILL! I repeat WILL try to discriminate if you get a complete douche running it)

Interesting that so many of us don't exactly hide our lives, but we also don't go out and tell anyone without a reason.  I've had to tell people at our bank and Social Security office for accounting reasons.  But then there's the aggravating stuff about going out to shop , like having to explain the ugly guy on my drivers license, and the credit card with the man's name.

At least my brothers and sisters now introduce me as their sister, and the nieces and nephews call me aunt Kathy.

I don't advertise it, but I don't hide it either

family and boyfriend know. oh and my close friends from childhood. but otherwise im deep under cover

I'm not full time yet, but I think people I know that I see al the time are suspecting something. My breasts are noticeable and the fat in my face is shifting. I think pretty soon I'm going to come out to a friend who works in a coffee shop where a lot of the people I know work.

I don't you'll find many full time people who are out about their birth status. Because unless you like the attention their is no reason to tell people unless it's those who are close to you. With me even though I wouldn't classify myself as full time yet I don't see the point in advertising it I don't hide it but I most definitely don't advertise it. I was more out about it earlier in my transition but now that I'm basically living 24/7 as myself I don't feel the need to broadcast it to the world and just want to be seen as the woman I am. ;)

(Funny side note - we just took out a loan, and as we were signing the last of the paperwork, the finance guy exclaimed "There's an error here - it's got one of you listed as male!" We both thought "oh, crap, here we go again, they ran the SSN and are gonna get all confused and make a big hassle out of this"... and it was my wife with the male marker. :) He fixed it, we moved on, we giggled like crazy on the way home. But the past *does* come back to haunt me periodically, and I don't lie about it then, either.)

At my age and in a fairly high visibility job, there is simply no way I could go stealth, too many people know me from before. However, for my day to day to life, since I live in quite a large city, I have no difficulty going about my business as a woman like any other.
With people who are introduced to me by friends, I assume they already know but I don't bring up the subject if no one else does and so far that is working fine.
What I have found most awkward was going to places like hairdressers and restaurants where I was already known as a man and then presenting as a woman but even there, it has so far gone very well and people who were calling me Monsieur not so long ago are now calling me Madame.
The best example of this was probably the hairdresser I have been going to for the last 18 months. I started to let my hair grow in Jan 2012 and had hair transplants in Dec 2012.
During all of this period and up until very recently, when I went to the hairdresser, just to get my hair colored, I was androgynous female. This lead to me being Madamed more than once by people who didn't know me but for those who did know me I was still Monsieur.
So, last September I simply explained what I was doing to the young woman who has been looking after me for the last few months to which she responded "oh, so that explains things.." with a nice smile.
This morning I went back there for the first time since then, this time in an unambigously female presentation including wearing a dress, and was greeted warmly by all the staff as "Madame".
As long as things are like that, stealth or not stealth, I am perfectly happy with the situation.
Hugs
Donna
     
 

It's not exactly a secret.   I still live in the same place and interact with the same people that I always did.  I do not, however, advertise it.  If you figure it out, well, I ran out of s^&*s to give a long time ago.  I don't get a lot of double takes these days and it's fine by me to just be treated like every other woman. 

Complete stealth is a delusion in this day and age.

Kia Ora Suzi,

I went for "a few people know", but then 'cause & effect' comes into play... A few people tell a few 'more' people and a few 'more' people tell a few more people and so on....

When I transitioned I didn't know any thing about "Being Stealth", I just went about my business ie, business as usual, and the general public just took it for granted I was 'born this way' =a female...

I'm what I like to call "Semi-Stealth" I have a "T" shirt in my closet which I air out (and wear out) on the odd occasion...

Like other members have mentioned, I don't hide my past, but I don't broadcast it either, it all boils down to a 'need to know' bases, I can't see any point in deliberately rocking the boat just for the effect...

Metta Zenda :)
 

I put total Stealth (for over 25 years). But my parents and siblings know, also my partners family. Both families live in the UK, I however do not, I live in another country.
My employer, friends and colleagues, neighbours don't know anything. My birth certificate, passport, driving license all have the correct gender marker showing.
Even my local doctor doesn't know anything, as thankfully I've not had any reason to disclose my history.

When I lived in the UK I was half stealth. My employer and work colleagues and local doctor  knew but no one else did around where I was living.

As a transgender woman, I guess I'm fortunate to have been able to get on with my life without being stared at or harassed or worse, but I would've given anything to have just been born normal.

Besides my parents..

Only my roommate and my ex boyfriend know that I am trans..

The rest of my friends , think I was born female.. I pass extremely well and have very female mannerism .

My roommate has told me, she cant believe how much of a girl I am.. I thanked her for the compliment.

Not a secret, but I'm not telling  ;) Wait...you guys know right?

My family, friends, and coworkers know. Old clients know and are cool, new clients don't know. Kids call me Bea in public so I don't get outed. Nothing like having your 6 year old screaming, "Dad, dad, dad, daaaaaad! I gotta go pee.."

My family and friends know, but many of my neighbors and pretty much none of my coworkers know. I don't keep it a secret on Facebook, however... pretty easy to put it together when like 1/3 of my friends are trans...

Like Seyranna said, it's pretty impossible to be 100% stealth. Someone is always going to know, and with the increased exposure we're getting in the news and media, it's not like people are completely ignorant to us anymore, either.

My family knows, but they all abandoned me except for my mom and 1 nephew. But I rarely see him.

And a handful of others at a support group, and you ladies.
Nobody else knows. I had some friends who know when I went full time but I'm no longer friends with them;I moved away.

In the next year or so I'm going completely stealth.

My current boyfriend and girlfriend do not know either.

Only my family, my husband knows, but his family doesn't, he doesn't want them to know, thats ok, its our own private business.

I have no idea how many people I run across can or cant tell I am trans. I dont give it much though............

What I did learn is if someone is a woman then they need to be a woman...... That involves keeping your mouth shut. Now if someone does not mind being a trans person by all means run your mouth............

I choose to just keep my mouth shut.

Oh I tell everyone. In fact I had a hat made especially that lights up and spells "Trans-woman" and I wear it all the time.   It plays a tune almost but not entirety unlike The Grand Old Duke of York.

More seriously, I don't tell anyone ever and no-one has asked.

Rosie.

What ? You didn't wear it out last time we met for coffee.  :P

Quote from: H, H, H, Honeypot! on December 01, 2013, 01:49:59 PM
Oh I tell everyone. In fact I had a hat made especially that lights up and spells "Trans-woman" and I wear it all the time.   It plays a tune almost but not entirety unlike The Grand Old Duke of York.

More seriously, I don't tell anyone ever and no-one has asked.

Rosie.

*spits out coffee* I was thinking of wearing a neon sign myself.

Quote from: nikkit72 on December 01, 2013, 01:59:16 PM
What ? You didn't wear it out last time we met for coffee.  :P

I did but Annie wanted to borrow it as a post-modernist deconstructionist statement on the continued influence of the patriarchy in perpetuating misogyny via the mass media.  It turns out only one person understood what trans-woman meant but it did keep her head cosy. Then Mojo wanted to borrow it to conduct some research into current attitudes and found out that 8 out of 10 cats are scared of a large dog regardless of whether he is wearing a hat or not.

Quote from: Jill F on December 01, 2013, 02:32:12 PM
*spits out coffee* I was thinking of wearing a neon sign myself.

What colour neon?

Rosie.

Quote from: H, H, H, Honeypot! on December 01, 2013, 03:48:47 PM

What colour neon?

Rosie.

Pink, of course.  :D

Quote from: H, H, H, Honeypot! on December 01, 2013, 03:48:47 PM
I did but Annie wanted to borrow it as a post-modernist deconstructionist statement on the continued influence of the patriarchy in perpetuating misogyny via the mass media......

:icon_confused2:

I'm open with my friends and co-workers, allowing me to make the occasional joke about my transition.  Like the other day, when one coworker was talking about male yoga ("broga").  Another woman commented that she should change her gender expression to get in, so I wondered out loud "I wonder if they would let me in...?".  The entire room started laughing, and one person told me to pick a gender and stick with it!

Quote from: HelloKitty on December 01, 2013, 07:42:11 AM
My current boyfriend and girlfriend do not know either.

:o

I slip between categories. My co-workers, students, friends, and family know. But no one else does unless I choose to tell. I have new casual friends and colleagues at conferences who do not know.

Quote from: Katie on December 01, 2013, 01:03:04 PM
I have no idea how many people I run across can or cant tell I am trans. I dont give it much though............

What I did learn is if someone is a woman then they need to be a woman...... That involves keeping your mouth shut. Now if someone does not mind being a trans person by all means run your mouth............

I choose to just keep my mouth shut.

That's true. That's why I'm not out at work, and why I don't really share my Facebook with any of my coworkers. I'd rather just be considered another girl there instead of a girl*

* - really a guy.

At least if I don't tell them, they can't argue it. It's not like they're going to prove it.

I tell people that need to know. Unfortunately living with a roommate that just about anybody can clock just by talking to her for 5 seconds, I get clocked by anybody who walks in the house.

Quote from: Oriah on November 30, 2013, 01:31:27 PM
I don't advertise it, but I don't hide it either

Ditto!!!

I can't hide it.I'm 6'1 and a half,big built with big hands and feet and a growly voice.I look OK but people can tell.I worked for 10 years as a bus driver and word got round pretty quick,soon the novelty wore off.I suppose I'm stealth in plain sight!

I don't disguise it but I don't advertise it either. Net result is "mostly" stealth, but not trying to make it that way. It just happens.

Now the joke about the hat? It's funny stated that way, but my eldest son, who has turned into transphobic bigot #1 in my life, said if he had his way, every single trans person would have to identify themselves as trans to every single other human being with whom they interact solely so that other human being could choose to discriminate against them if they so wished.

Yes, he actually said this. :P Needless to say, we don't get along too well anymore.

Thank you for all who posted.

I was interested in these results because I'm moving into a new neighborhood and I was curious how open other women were.

I can't keep it a secret, since I transitioned at work, so everyone there knows what I once was, so stealth is out of the question for me. But it takes some effort to cover my past or the fact that I'm queer.

I'm curious no one chose the 5th option.

I know a lot of women in that category IRL. Either no one like that is on Susan's, or no one wants to admit it (to us or themselves). It even sounded like one or two of the written responses clearly placed their originators in that category.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 04, 2013, 08:23:39 PM
I'm curious no one chose the 5th option.

I know what I look and sound like. I would not be surprised if I'm clocked on a regular basis.

But the reality is that I don't hide that I'm trans. I've inadvertently ended up as a mentor to some trans persons in my kids' generation, to people that are friends of my kids. So, I try to live up to that. It's terrifying at times. But I stand my by selection: I'm out and active as a trans women. Most people know I'm trans.

I've lived in the same town for 17 years, so the people who knew me know, but since I've been living full time for 27 months, those people treat me as a woman. People who don't know me don't know unless someone else told them and that's doubtful. I look, act and sound like a woman because that's what I am and would be shocked if I was outed. I don't think my family, friends or neighbors would tell anyone who didn't know me before my transition. Like one of the other women in this thread, I just wish I was born female, but I'm happy.

Quote from: Constance on December 04, 2013, 08:33:28 PM
But the reality is that I don't hide that I'm trans. I've inadvertently ended up as a mentor to some trans persons in my kids' generation, to people that are friends of my kids. So, I try to live up to that. It's terrifying at times. But I stand my by selection: I'm out and active as a trans women. Most people know I'm trans.

Actually, Connie, I had exactly you in mind when I put in the 4th selection (No lie. Really. I was thinking of you as the example). I've followed a lot of the things you've done for the trans community. It's comforting to know you're willing to put such a positive public face on Transgender.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 05, 2013, 05:49:24 AM
Actually, Connie, I had exactly you in mind when I put in the 4th selection (No lie. Really. I was thinking of you as the example). I've followed a lot of the things you've done for the trans community. It's comforting to know you're willing to put such a positive public face on Transgender.

It's things like this that are terrifying!

Thanks.

Quote from: Katrina on December 02, 2013, 06:35:53 PM
:o

Yesh they dont know. But thats cuz there hasnt been any sex! Lol
Still need srs, so.