Hey everyone,
I wanted to ask our more experienced transitioners a few questions on how to improve familial issues. In particular, I'm looking to learn about how you handled your mother, father, sisters and/or brothers.
- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation? Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
- What are some missteps that you would advise against?
- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?
- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?
- If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?
- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?
I'm still having difficulties with my family and had a big fight with my family the day after Christmas. My mother noticed I was wearing a bra and flipped out. While I wasn't doing anything wrong, it led to a major fight and the words such as disappointing, odd and out there came flying out. Then I was told I'm selfish and that Im putting everyone's life at risk, this was after I was told things like no one will like you, everyone will be against you (bringing up my past bullying problems as justification for why I should suppress my feelings). When I came to my sister for some help, she eluded that she felt my mother was right and later on told me (in a very passionate angry way) that she doesn't want me to do this. Apparently, there is nothing wrong with being trans or gay in her eyes, but as a Catholic she doesn't want it in her own family. Then she said she would be there for me and try to support everything, but I'll always be just a gay guy to her. Since then, my mother and I have made up, but it's still like a powder keg just waiting to be lit again (it was ended with her telling me she is going to fight this with everything she has). For those who know me, I'm really trying to work with my family and be understanding of their issues with my transition. Everyone found out in June (I think) right before I started hormones and I've been going slowly with my transition to help everyone adjust. Nonetheless, it's getting very tiresome and after all this time I would hope there would be some improvements. As of now, my mother and one of my sisters are very against my transiton. Even worse is the fact that we live together which causes emotions to flare up. I really want to make this work and have been trying to fix our problems; however, whenever I move forward it comes barrelling back. This causes problems because I really need to start making more progress. The thing is they just get so emotional and aggressive that it's too much to handle. Every time it happens, I start to feel like a terrible person and like some giant loser. They say things that really hurt my feelings and destroy whatever positive image I have of myself which shatters any confidence I have in my transition and in general. So, I really want to do what I can to prevent this and make progress at home. It's been improving to some degree because fighting isn't as frequent and there is no longer threats of kicking me out being made. I really have faith it can work because I love my family and they are good people with huge hearts. They are bound to be reached at some point. I just don't know how to do it. And please, don't make suggestions about me ending my relationship with them or leaving. They truly are wonderful people and I love them very much. They have to deal with a lot as well and I'm sure living with me hasn't always been easy. Besides, I can't afford to leave and need every bit of help that I can get. Therefore, please be careful not to mention those two suggestions because I love my family dearly and can't leave. Even if their words and opposition can hurt, they deserve respect and kindness. Believe me, outside of my transition, you couldn't find a more loving and caring family.
Thanks in advance to any advice or feedback! :)
Hi learningtolive,
In short, there is basically nothing you can to to change or bring anyone round to accepting you. It's each individuals choice as to how they are going to accept or deny you.
There are certain things you can do to help them with though. Essentially it is setting up friends outside the family, who either accept or embrace your transition, that will help by talking to your family circle about ->-bleeped-<-. They would perhaps be the best provider of unbiased medical documented information.
Distancing yourself from them can also assist, but it may mean you moving out, which may or may not be possible.
This is a MAJOR change for most people to accept, let alone embrace. You may have been aware for your thoughts and feelings, so have had time to adjust to them. You family has only had a relatively short time to understand these major consequences.
Huggs
Catherine
Hugs LearningtoLive,
First off I'm sorry to hear that you and your family had a fight the day after Christmas.
Now as far as advice goes, you need to show them how that by transitioning will make you happy. That this is who you are.
Show them that this is the right path for you some how. I know that will be hard but family is worth fighting for.
Tell your family that you need their love and support and that having them telling you that transitioning is wrong is counter productive for all included. Also point them to read Gender Identity and Our Faith Communities: A Congregational Guide for Transgender Advocacy found here. http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/gender-identity-and-our-faith-communities-a-congregational-guide-for-transg along with the pdf file that is linked on the page. Actually you read it first to make sure its suitable for your family.
Good luck,
Bethany Dawn
I'm afraid I don't have much experience in dealing with families, as such. Other than one psychopathic and potentially homicidal brother, lol. But one thing in your post got my attention:
Quote from: learningtolive on December 28, 2013, 06:06:26 AM
They say things that really hurt my feelings and destroy whatever positive image I have of myself which shatters any confidence I have in my transition and in general.
Sweetie, that's the whole point of it. Such things also happen in a wider context too. It's always easier, when you want someone to not do something, to make
them decide not to do it through undermining their confidence. Rather than telling them straight out that they cannot do it. If you can make someone believe it's best for them to not do something because they won't succeed at it, or they will have a hard time of it, or they look horrid, or whatever the case maybe... then your work is done. And you absolve yourself of any blame in the process.
These things they say to you, I would bet that they're not actually designed to hurt you. And come from a different place. But it's emotional manipulation. It's designed to make you question yourself and, ultimately, decide that transition isn't the best course of action for you.
Perhaps one way to get around that is to realise the purpose behind these things they say to you. To know that they are saying what they think will stop you, rather than because they don't love you or have feelings for you. Maybe this will stop when they see that this has no effect on you and you will carry on regardless.
I'm sorry your going through this but really their is nothing you can do to make them change their mind, that is something only they can do on their own. Just focus on your living your life and as bad as it sounds either they come around on their own or they won't.
And I will let you in on the sad reality of coming out to someone just because you have surgeries take hormones and look totally like a woman doesn't mean they think your a woman in their eyes. In most peoples eyes if you were born male you'll always be male to them and nothing you say or do will ever change that belief and with family this is especially true sure their is some people out there that are not that closed minded but they are not many of them. So just concentrate on your life and your happiness don't focus on making family accept you because sadly it's as pointless as a cat chasing it's tail.
LTL Hugs, I am sorry they treat you this way.
They can only welcome you when they themselves accept the change. It sounds like they love you very much.
Remember this is their issue to accept not yours.
Be yourself and when they see it is really you and happy they will either accept and welcome you or not.
While I'm having trouble educating my dad, he's generally accepted as well as he can, and doesn't really say anything to try to dissuade me, yet, other than pointing out the dangers and troubles that could lie ahead (which he does about everything else already). Then again, I am living more than 100 miles away, so it's harder for it to be in his face about how much I've changed, even without HRT.
And that's really the best way to educate family and close ones, I think. There are stories about people who were previously anti-LGBT, until they discovered their children were 'different'. Then they have an example, right in front of their eyes, that all their negative stereotypes don't really apply.
So, in the words of a misheard Lynyrd Skynyrd lyric, "and be a symbol." You are your parent's only link to the LGBT community, and while it's not fair to work harder and beyond a cisgendered person to be accepted or proven, if you go up and beyond the call of duty and prove yourself the exemplary human being you are, the more they will see that transgendered people as good, worthwhile folk. When they see that the label they have placed on you is not a bad one, when they accept it, then I think they will accept you, too.
The advice one of my gay friends gave me was that you just have to wait it out. It took his parents a few years to realize that the things they said had hurt him, and it may take a while for our parents to come around too. Like others have said, it's not an issue you can force.
well you are unwilling to hear any advice that would help the situation, per your post. It's not CAN't leave. It's won't. Don't tell me about rents and poorer then you and live in philly. You have to take more drstic measures. Or just ignore them or tell them to shut the eff up. As long as you are willing to play doormat, they are going to walk all over you. Sorry you have been saying this since you thought ur mom would embrce you and nothing has changed. It's time for a different course of action. Otherwise, it's more of the same.
well you are unwilling to hear any advice that would help the situation, per your post. It's not CAN't leave. It's won't. Don't tell me about rents and poorer then you and live in philly. You have to take more drstic measures. Or just ignore them or tell them to shut the eff up. As long as you are willing to play doormat, they are going to walk all over you. Sorry you have been saying this since you thought ur mom would embrce you and nothing has changed. It's time for a different course of action. Otherwise, it's more of the same. Btw, I had similar problems and I left so I know what I'm talking bout.
"doesn't want it in her own family". I think this sums it up most of the time. I have one person to come out to , my mother. She has all ways been supportive of me in everything I do. For some reason she has no sympathy for trans/gay persons. She seems to actually have even less for trans persons. After a heated discussion at Christmas she remarked being transgender is "disgusting" and "she is so happy I'm normal". My reply was I'm not normal. Her claim is also it contradicts her religion, but truthfully it's ignorance and fear. I wish you the best and hopefully your family will come around and show you the love you have shown them.
Sorry your going through this. Both my parents have passed and I don't talk to siblings so I don't deal with problems like this. I wish you luck though.
Do what you have to do and don't ask for permission, or acceptance. Doing so shows weakness that others can and will probably use against you. It also paints a picture of someone that is not 100% committed to a goal.
I reiterate do what you have to do and don't ask for anything!
Katie
Please don't dislike me for saying what needs to be said in these paragraphs.
You can try to help them understand, but there really is noting more you can do if they don't or can't accept you and your transition. Just tell them you love them, and let them go because the more you try to adjust your life to placate them the less you are as a person. Remember, they've got their own beliefs and feelings, and they may never see the true and authentic person you have to be, or that you will become.
You know I've had the same problem with my sons, two of my brothers, and almost all my cousins or distant relatives. Even though it means loosing them, I finally had to let them think and feel what they wanted without my concern. That meant not changing what I had to do, or setting aside my needs to fix their problems. I don't argue with them, and if they can't accept me it's their problem now, not mine. And I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you'll have to do the same. Taking this step may seem irrational, misguided, and coldly selfish, but it opens the door to your own self worth. It'll hurt, you're going to cry about it, and you'll think about them from time to time with wishes of having them back in your life. But they may never come back to you.
In varying degrees our family members have contact with us. And a few of us are very lucky to have wonderfully open and loving families that grace us with open arms. But for most (including me) that not always the case, and the outcome for those family members who reject our transition has almost always been an empty separation.
In transition there's chains holding us back. But we all eventually find ways of breaking them, and we escape the self imposed prison that holds us.
Hug hun.
K
Nobody wants to abandon their family , and I wouldnt suggest that you do it...
How long does your family know? it took almost 8 months for my mom to accept it , my brother was mad about it but he just doesnt seem to give a f*** now,still mad but doesnt care...
Sooo I think it would help if you made clear to your family how much you suffer and how much you need transition and also aducating them on some matters too , keep doing that and give them some time...
im probably going to go through the same thing because my parents are vehemently against lgbt.
so im probably going to amanda bynes it and cover it up like she did in shes the man. lol.
if your insistant in getting you family to come around why not getting them used to it little by little.
like wearing a little bit of make up at first then progressing through different clothing.
idk. just an idea. :p
I said I don't have answers for situations like this because I don't deal with these things ,but I will say I wish people would stop using Christ's teachings of love as a justification of bigotry. I'm catholic went to catholic grade school, catholic high school 3 catholic colleges and I happen to be transgender. So why do family's use gods love to prove their bigotry is right, sorry for the rant.
Quote from: stephaniec on December 28, 2013, 09:52:28 AM
I said I don't have answers for situations like this because I don't deal with these things ,but I will say I wish people would stop using Christ's teachings of love as a justification of bigotry. I'm catholic went to catholic grade school, catholic high school 3 catholic colleges and I happen to be transgender. So why do family's use gods love to prove their bigotry is right, sorry for the rant.
because they dont understand Gods love in their own lives.
its not anger or hate. its hope and grace in your time of need.
I have no advice, in fact I often feel a sort of weird permutation of survivor guilt over the fact my family accepted it without pain or hassle.
If my family were to act as yours has, well I likely would have gotten dreadfully depressed and potentially self destructive.
But I would have ditched them all the same. I do NOT surround myself with disapproving, disappointing, unaccepting, mean spirited people. I don't care if they are the reason I am here or not. People need to stop pretending the term 'family' is a magical permission to do things you would not accept from strangers.
It's not acceptable ever, and that includes people pretending they love you. And as I see it their 'love' seems inadequate.
Quote from: learningtolive on December 28, 2013, 06:06:26 AM
Hey everyone,
I wanted to ask our more experienced transitioners a few questions on how to improve familial issues. In particular, I'm looking to learn about how you handled your mother, father, sisters and/or brothers.
- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation? Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
- What are some missteps that you would advise against?
- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?
- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?
- If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?
- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?
I'm still having difficulties with my family and had a big fight with my family the day after Christmas. My mother noticed I was wearing a bra and flipped out. While I wasn't doing anything wrong, it led to a major fight and the words such as disappointing, odd and out there came flying out. Then I was told I'm selfish and that Im putting everyone's life at risk, this was after I was told things like no one will like you, everyone will be against you (bringing up my past bullying problems as justification for why I should suppress my feelings). When I came to my sister for some help, she eluded that she felt my mother was right and later on told me (in a very passionate angry way) that she doesn't want me to do this. Apparently, there is nothing wrong with being trans or gay in her eyes, but as a Catholic she doesn't want it in her own family. Then she said she would be there for me and try to support everything, but I'll always be just a gay guy to her. Since then, my mother and I have made up, but it's still like a powder keg just waiting to be lit again (it was ended with her telling me she is going to fight this with everything she has). For those who know me, I'm really trying to work with my family and be understanding of their issues with my transition. Everyone found out in June (I think) right before I started hormones and I've been going slowly with my transition to help everyone adjust. Nonetheless, it's getting very tiresome and after all this time I would hope there would be some improvements. As of now, my mother and one of my sisters are very against my transiton. Even worse is the fact that we live together which causes emotions to flare up. I really want to make this work and have been trying to fix our problems; however, whenever I move forward it comes barrelling back. This causes problems because I really need to start making more progress. The thing is they just get so emotional and aggressive that it's too much to handle. Every time it happens, I start to feel like a terrible person and like some giant loser. They say things that really hurt my feelings and destroy whatever positive image I have of myself which shatters any confidence I have in my transition and in general. So, I really want to do what I can to prevent this and make progress at home. It's been improving to some degree because fighting isn't as frequent and there is no longer threats of kicking me out being made. I really have faith it can work because I love my family and they are good people with huge hearts. They are bound to be reached at some point. I just don't know how to do it. And please, don't make suggestions about me ending my relationship with them or leaving. They truly are wonderful people and I love them very much. They have to deal with a lot as well and I'm sure living with me hasn't always been easy. Besides, I can't afford to leave and need every bit of help that I can get. Therefore, please be careful not to mention those two suggestions because I love my family dearly and can't leave. Even if their words and opposition can hurt, they deserve respect and kindness. Believe me, outside of my transition, you couldn't find a more loving and caring family.
Thanks in advance to any advice or feedback! :)
LTL I do not know you personally but from what I read on this forum I have always felt that you were a very compassionate, caring, honest and thoughtful person. I feel I could say the same about myself. Just remember no one can change that!
Even though these are good traits to have they also can work against us...at some point in our lives we do have to put ourselves first....or not transition!!
I have similar experience with my children, even though they have accepted me the best they know how. I have always put my children first, I struggled with transitioning since it meant I was not putting their needs first but mine. The guilt was overwhelming at first....and at times is still there. This was one of the reasons I took things very slow. Did I want to...hell no!! I'm old, I was steps away from transitioning at 25...I now have decided to follow through.....but I now had others to consider. The others really being only my children.
I always tried to compare my situation with other trans that had wives or like you significant caring family menbers. I feel empathy for any of the individuals that must go through transition with us....but for the children....they have no choice!! A child will love their parent no matter what....good or bad....ugly or pretty....gay or not....and even trans. This may seem to make things easier but also brings more guilt in not knowing how your children truly feel about you.
I always tell anyone in my position that going slow will help others adjust more easier. I'm not sure this is the case for you, I think either way will eventually have the same results. Both ways your family will come to love the new person you have become and the same one you always have been.
I will say that Catholics are more astute to following the practices held for years and because of this their fear of things they feel are unaccepting to God turns into hate. A good example of this is the guy from the Duck dynasty show. An even better example of how we should love all and help all is from the new Pope St. Francis!!! God is working in this person!!! I hope Catholics are listening to this man!!
I will say the one thing that has hampered me all my life is the fact I am not an assertive person. My last therapist and I were really trying to work on this.....I have become better with her help but still have a ways to go. A good therapist will help focus on other issues in your life that may stem from being trans or all the other issues everyone in life has!! I just wish she didn't move away....I could still use her very much. Oh, and she was a social worker not a psychologist....I highly recommend this type of professional. Best therapist ever!!!
I have been legally a women and out to those close to me for almost 3 years now. The family members I spoke with then I still do now....the ones I didn't remain the same....maybe worse because of who I am now. The 4 that mean the most to me are still there....my sister and children. there's still a long ways to go. My children are getting older....will marry...have children....what then. My sister and I are close but still not as close as I would like....some of this may be because she still doesn't understand....some is probably cause she just doesn't have the time.
There are also other issues now affecting me and my future with my children....and that is dating! I have recently had an experience with a man that I though liked me for who I am and not just for sex. This has brought me much pain since I am not sure who is worse....me for not telling him why we can't have sex....or him for demanding to know why we can't and determining our relationship based on sex!! I have given myself more heartache then I had before.
If anyone tells you that transitioning is easy, their full of ->-bleeped-<-!!! I'm sorry but if changing your gender is as easy as changing your job....then you must feel differently of life than I. For myself being stealth almost 100% does bring with it more or less issues...but being out will also bring with it as much as well. I wish I knew what was the best way of doing things. Doing it one way means your trans to most....doing it the other way means hiding certain aspects of your life....some that you are very proud of.
I wish I could help you more :( There is nothing you can do to get them on your side and you shouldn't!! There is no side to take....if they love you, which they do!! They will eventually see that you are not doing this to harm them or you. This isn't about them its about you!!
Please take care! and know that tomorrow will be a better day!! I can relate to that many times....since last night was one of those days where I didn't want tomorrow to come, but I knew it had to be better.....and here I am finding out that I am needed....someone that is struggling like I am could use my help. I thank you!! for letting me help you in any little way that I can.
Quote from: Heather on December 28, 2013, 07:39:29 AM
I'm sorry your going through this but really their is nothing you can do to make them change their mind, that is something only they can do on their own. Just focus on your living your life and as bad as it sounds either they come around on their own or they won't.
And I will let you in on the sad reality of coming out to someone just because you have surgeries take hormones and look totally like a woman doesn't mean they think your a woman in their eyes. In most peoples eyes if you were born male you'll always be male to them and nothing you say or do will ever change that belief and with family this is especially true sure their is some people out there that are not that closed minded but they are not many of them. So just concentrate on your life and your happiness don't focus on making family accept you because sadly it's as pointless as a cat chasing it's tail.
I would agree with this....but I feel its human nature and not something that's done intentionally. There are many examples of change that is hard to accept. You may have had a brother or sister-in-law that you were close too....its now hard to not see them as a relative anymore. They have gone off and remarried and you rarely see them any more.
You may have been a football coach and retired years later. People still call you coach even though your still not one....its who you were for many years.
Now your talking about someone's gender!!! wow I am in awe of the parents of trans children that have accepted them as their daughter or son in such a short time..... especially the fathers....they are at first so scared and their egos play such a huge part....it just goes to show how love plays an important part of acceptance.
These are parents!! Now you have people that have known you for years but do not share that same love....do you think they can just see you as the opposite gender in even a years time. Even if you "pass" and have integrated into society as just another female....for those who know...out of respect for you they will treat you the same as the others that don't..... but inside they really know....its not that they hate the new you...its that they remember the old you and its hard to forget.
I will say that being stealth does help....when the people who are close to you see that everyone else sees you as a woman then they eventually see the same thing. It gets to the point that they forget the old you!! This may even be something you may regret at times. I've had this feeling with my children....they at times view me as nothing more than a woman....but their are times that I may want to give them help or advice that I know from human experience that may have been from my past....but now I am a woman and it doesn't mean the same. Not sure if I worded that right... ???
Well, this truly is a pickle isn't it?
My personal opinion is that, given that you are dedicated to your family and sticking it out (good move, in my opinion) your best bet is one of a couple of options.
First of all, Francis has done some talking on things like this recently and, if your family is truly Catholic, perhaps they should listen to their Pontiff. If they balk, challenge them on their faith because, really, Voice of God.
Second, if this were me, I'd probably just have a discussion where I outlined that, yes, this very much is selfish in the same way that needing and paying for a root canal is selfish. It's self-motivated and self-interested but not so far as to not acknowledge their fears and concerns. Your family seems very afraid of losing social standing, or at least that's what I'm reading between the lines in your post. There's little that can be done about that but to acknowledge those fears without promising that you'll do anything to address it (it's not your place to do so). Further, I'd request a simple ban on any and all discussion of the topic in the "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." kinda way. Explain that the statements that they're making are harmful and request that, if they can't be supportive, then as loved ones, perhaps they can at least be silent. Move forward with your transition. Ignore any attempts that are made to get in the way of it as just outcries of fear and ignorance and move forward knowing for certain that you know what you're about.
The other option could be to just slug it the hell out. It'll be a fight and you'll really need to hone your oratory skills as well as do some READING (Serrano, Bornstein, Boylan, ETC) so that you have more than just fluff to throw behind your arguments. Information is your best friend here and you'll do well to arm yourself well for a war of the words and ideas. Fortunately, the vast preponderance of the evidence is on your side and, if you have a GID therapist, taking your family to a few sessions couldn't hurt. It'll be a tough row to hoe but it might make you a better person. The risk is that the constant barrage of truths that they don't like may cause them to do things that they wouldn't normally do (disowning is a possibility that you're going to have to cope with before taking this option as well as protracted battles and a lot of struggle).
This isn't an easy road that you're on. It took a while and a lot of fighting in my family to get them to figure out that I was both sane and serious. You'll probably get there but just know that this is part of the package of being TS and that it makes us stronger or breaks us. Only you can decide on which path you're going to let happen.
Thanks everyone. I realize that there is little I can do to change my family, but I really want to. However, they are very aware that I'm transitioning no matter what and nothing can change that. Even my mother has realized that her fighting is futile and she has given up trying to forcefully stop me. No one is really under the delusion that I won't transition or that they will win nor are they threatening to kick me out or prevent me from transitioning. They just want to break my spirit and make me cry I guess. After all, they are angry with me and want to express that through aggression. Still, they realize I'm doing what I'm doing and they know they can't stop me. If I must, I will leave before that happens, but for now it makes the most sense to stay and attempt to deal with everything. Besides, things have improved to a degree. Fighting isn't as common and the put downs I get aren't an everyday thing like the used to be. Plus, my mom isn't threatening to kick me out anymore and has even allowed me to use her insurance policy which has saved my transition. If I were to leave, it could be done, but it would cause me to push things back and I'm not willing to do that unless I have to absolutely do that. I've waited too long to transition, I don't want to push it even further into my life. So, I will have to put up with them and deal with the repercussions of my defiance. I just wish there were a way that I could influence how they handle everything and make them supportive, though I realize that's foolish on my part. I'll have to move foward and just hope they are won over. And I love my family and they love me. It may sound bleak, but I have faith. Besides my transtion, they have been supportive and wonderful people. Once they get used to this, I hope they will go back to being the people they once were. And to be fair, they are much better people than my posts give credit for. I tend to post only during the bad phases, so realize things aren't bad as it may appear. In any case, I just wish there was a way to win over there hearts now so I felt more comfortable at home.
I just came back from my therapist and she told me that she thinks I need to ride things out because leaving isn't realistic for me. If I'm going to transition and afford it, then I need to be smart about my finances and how I deal with everything. She thinks leaving would be a poor move for me because it will set me back in the short term and that's not what I want. Still, she thinks my support system is greatly lacking and needs improvement in order for me to keep feeing positive as I progress. Apparently, the negative atmosphere at home is really taking its toll on my perception of myself and I need to augment it with positive interactions. Her feeling is that I'll feel more confident in myself once I get more positive reinforcement from other people in place of my family and can put that against the negative interactions I've had so far. However, I really don't have a great support system. Sadly, I've got very few friends and most of them don't contact me often ( even when I reach out to them). To be honest, I feel like I annoy my friends and they don't want to deal with my transition drama. Whether it's the case or not, I feel like most see me as a pity friend, so I'm really cautious about bothering them. My love life is non existent and there is no sign of that ever improving. Yeah, I'd love to have a boyfriend, but I just don't see it happening because I'm still early into my transition. Even work is problematic because, even though there are supportive people there ,I don't know if my transfer will go through and am still waiting for a response (this is all due to a hiring freeze that came at the worst time). At all angles of my life, there is little stability and support coming in. I've just got my therapist and this forum. So my therapist has a point that I need some positive people and stability in my life to get through the tough spots and feel better about myself and my path, but I feel like no one likes me and things haven't been going in my favor this month. Right now, I'm feeling very vulnerable and it hurts. In reality, I realize my therapist is right about me finding positives and expanding my support structure, it's just that I have no idea how to do it. I suppose that's why I'm so desperate about winning my families support because I need support and I'm so used to having them be there when there is no one else. Yet, their hostility is sometimes the reason why I'm in need of support so it's pretty ironic.
Maybe I will need to leave in order to move forward. Their criticism is hurting the way I view myself and thus how I confident I feel in my life (not just transitioning). It might be the healthy thing overall, but I'd have to get off my insurance plan, find a new place without a possible destination, and be able to afford numerous bills on my own. I just don't know how I could do all that and transition the way I planned because I want it all done (srs included) by 2015 or 2016, so I can live the rest of my life as the real me without issue and further delays. At that point, I can leave without having my transition always looming over me. If staying at home allows me to save up all the money I need to fully transition at an early, it seems the best choice that I have, though I do realize what everyone here is saying because it's really destroying my self image and that's not good for transitioning either (or life for that matter).
Anyway, if anyone has any further thoughts on winning over family, I'd appreciate it. Thanks. So far I have liked the suggestions, except education isn't for my family. They refuse to hear/read "lgbt propaganda" or listen to my therapist who they dislike very much. My mom went as far as to say that she'd make the best out of being a man if she had to live as one and that even gay people could just make themselves straight if they tried hard. They are pretty stubborn about opening up and want to make this as hard as they can. They don't want to understand or learn, so I'm dealing with people who are kickiing and screaming throughout the whole process.
P.S. Sorry for rambling and clogging up the forum so much. I'm feeling a lot of different emotions at the moment and just need to get it out. Life isn't so bad and there is much for me to be happy about. It's just that I have some weaknesses in my life that need improvement. It will happen I'm sure. Knowing me I'll look back on this thread and laugh at my vulnerability and negativity. Maybe it's just one of those weeks and I need to get some sleep,lol.
I think I heard one member on this forum talk about group therapy with other transitioners , I don't know if that's the kind of support group your looking for
Ltl you are an admirable soul and sharing this ride with you for the last year has revealed to me a loving and caring family member. You commitment to family and dedication to working things out may, however, set you up for some understandable pain and frustration. Even from this virtual reality we can feel the longing for acceptance and loss you eloquently describe. A bit like wearing our hearts on our sleeves?
Love does make us vulnerable and yet I would never want you or anyone to love less or cut people out of our emotional life. The delicate dance we do is further confounded by the phenomena wherein people we try and reason with galvanize themselves with the mantle of their being "the oppressed and injured victim." Now how did that happen, I too often ask myself.
No advice Hon, just genuine respect for a loving and caring girl. What I can share from my old age platform is the observation of people who have lost or been tossed by family who then recreate an intentional family and circle of caring support. IMO your love and considerate nature make you a stronger person and one very capable of making or being welcomed into a new or extended family.
LOVE MAKES A FAMILY (yes I like bumper stickers) ;D
I'm feeling a bit better this morning, so I want to apologize for being a bit moody and depressed yesterday. All the drama in my life is catching up to me and I just had to vent. Sometimes I focus on the pitfalls of my current situation and it get's me down, but I've definitely come along way with my family and life in general. And my relationship isn't so bad with everyone. Yesterday night, I was dog sitting with my sister and we watched "the Little Mermaid" and "Will and Grace" together (I swear I'm a straight girl and not a gay guy, lol). So, not all is bad. Like I said, our interactions are more diverse than hostile. We are very emotional people, so we react poorly in the moment and forget the potential impact of what we are saying. To be fair to my sister, she's really trying hard but she's sad to lose her little brother. My mom and I talked again because I felt we had to address my feelings. As of now, she promised me she would watch what she said and be more aware of my feelings. She couldn't extend support, but at least she is trying to be considerate of my feelings (we'll see). Also, she is considering seeing her own therapist to deal with her issues which I believe would be a great thing. Even if it's hell at times, I have faith we'll make it through. Family is important and I don't want to leave unless it's 100% needed. It's nowhere near that point yet.
Quote from: stephaniec on December 28, 2013, 01:43:44 PM
I think I heard one member on this forum talk about group therapy with other transitioners , I don't know if that's the kind of support group your looking for
What my therapist means is that I need more stability and supportive people and positive things in my life. Because everything is so emotional at home, she feels I should have a big support structure which augments the negative stuff. That way I will feel more confident in myself and that will give me the strength to make it through everything. The problem is my social life is a total disaster and it's hard for me to get support during the moment of need. To be honest, besides this forum and a few friends, I feel very much on my own with my transition. I've had help along the way from good friends, but they are very busy and I feel like I annoy them with this stuff This forum been a great aid, but obviously there are limitations to it. And these aspects, I'm pretty much on my own when dealing with everything that comes up. My therapist feels having people that create a more postive atmosphere and a more positive environment in my life that will boast my morale andl help my self perception. It's her opinion that I'm very negative and hard on myself with my transition because I don't have much positive reinforcement or a stable environment to develop a healthier self esteem. So, she wants me to start developing a stronger support structure by meeting new supportive people and building a social circle which should help with confidence. However, I really don't have a starting point as my social life doesn't really exist. I feel like people don't like me and no one would want to be around or talk to me even if I tried. Because I feel like that, I really don't know how to strengthen my support structure. Her suggestion is to start being more social with the lgbt community and to get out and do new things and meet new accepting/supportive people. But I'm really not good at this stuff and it's difficult for me to know what to do.
In any event, despite my hardships, I'll get there one day. Hey it used to be so much worse than this, so I can only keep going forward. It's not always easy, but l'll make it through and succeed in my transition and keep improving the short comings in my life.
do you go to callen lorde LTL? If not why? You'd havw much more money to make friends and move out if you went there. And moving out is the only way. If ur mom flips out that bad from wearing a bra what happens a year from now when you need one and are shaped like a woman and have to present? Start saving now and go to callen lorde. Hell you could meet people there. BTW before you so you can't you will want to change it to won't. I think the thing that will help you most is leaving your comfy zone. How often do you do that?
You have considered this, so ignore me if you already discarded the idea. But ... stop into the LGBT Resource Center at the University. You'll be surprised at how many people contact or visit them. My old school (40 years ago) now has a house on campus that the university kind of built itself around, and they turned it into a LGBT Resource Center. It's open to anyone (student or not), and they sponsor activities and group discussions. I used the the Center at Michigan Tech as a way to get to know the trans community a little more when I spent the summer up there this year. These centers are a great place to start getting involved with other trans individuals, and since it's "at school" all your family will know is that you're on campus.
Take care and have a great New Year in your growth and as a woman. K
Quote from: Joanna Dark on December 29, 2013, 08:46:18 AM
do you go to callen lorde LTL? If not why? You'd havw much more money to make friends and move out if you went there. And moving out is the only way. If ur mom flips out that bad from wearing a bra what happens a year from now when you need one and are shaped like a woman and have to present? Start saving now and go to callen lorde. Hell you could meet people there. BTW before you so you can't you will want to change it to won't. I think the thing that will help you most is leaving your comfy zone. How often do you do that?
Well, the bra is absolutely needed at this point. While I haven't been on hormones for too long, I have noticeable breasts at this point and everyone seems to see it. In fact, both of my sisters pulled me aside at different points to tell me that I need to wear one. That's one of the things my mom struggles with because my chest is no longer male in any form and I'm not really fooling anyone anymore. She's been able to deal with it without saying anything (and I've caught her looking without saying anything) but I guess it just snapped at that moment. I'm guessing it was a culmination of all the pent up frustration with the changes mixed in with the holiday blues. Still, it's better than where I started with my family. Honestly, she's been handling it quite well because there have been major changes in my appearance the past two months and she's dealt with it. While she isn't happy with it and will tell me that, she's been a lot better than she used to be. It was just a really bad week for all of us and it's difficult for her to lose her "baby boy" as she puts it. Holidays can bring that stuff out. All families will have issues, so I try to understand. The only thing is I want her to come to accept and understand it, but that isn't happening even though shes been tolerating it to a degree. That's what irritates me and that's why I want to get them to accept everything. I'm soon going to be wearing only female clothing in my house, so we will see where it goes from here. Once I go part time, we'll see how she deals with it.
If I have to leave, I can and will, but it's not so bad despite the tense nature of my home. At the moment, I don't really make all that much (though it's not so bad either), so staying at home provides me with cheap rent and a means to save for SRS and possibly rhinoplasty (as well as grad school which I still hope to do at some point after my finances are more stable and my life is on track). I can move out with my current income, but it would set my plans further back and that's the last thing I want to do. To be honest, I want this transition to only go on for so long and then just move on with my life and to me living at home allows me to invest into my future. Even though it's possible to move, I'd spend most of my income on bills and rent (even with a roomate). I live in a very expensive area, and I can't go too far because I need to be within driving distance from my job. Of course, this is all assuming my promotion will go through despite the hiring freeze issues which I'm fairly confident it will. So, I can move and still do everything, but it will take me more time and I'll have to focus on getting by everyday instead of investing in my future.
Callen Lorde is a bit of a distance from where I live. While I could get over there, I would need the full day free to get there and back. Nonetheless, I could check it out on a weekend. I probably should do that in order to meet people and strengthen my support structure. I'm sure they have activities and support groups I could check out. What do you mean about saving? I'm confused on how I'd save money from going to Callen Lorde. Right now my hormones, blood work, therapist and endo are all covered by my insurance and I have no co-pay. Seriously, my current transition costs are $0 for the basic stuff, so I'm seriously lucky (that's not to say that I don't have many other expenses though). This is thanks to my mother who allowed me to go on her plan and pay minimal rent at home. Again, she's against my transition, but she does love me and wants to make sure I do everything safely. It's more complex than it appears which is my fault because I usually post about family when they freak out on me. The thing is though when she freaks out she really freaks out and says some of the worst things you can imagine about me (like really messed up stuff). Of course, that hurts me and leaves me feeling like crap, but it could be worse.
Quote from: kathyk on December 29, 2013, 10:56:45 AM
You have considered this, so ignore me if you already discarded the idea. But ... stop into the LGBT Resource Center at the University. You'll be surprised at how many people contact or visit them. My old school (40 years ago) now has a house on campus that the university kind of built itself around, and they turned it into a LGBT Resource Center. It's open to anyone (student or not), and they sponsor activities and group discussions. I used the the Center at Michigan Tech as a way to get to know the trans community a little more when I spent the summer up there this year. These centers are a great place to start getting involved with other trans individuals, and since it's "at school" all your family will know is that you're on campus.
Take care and have a great New Year in your growth and as a woman. K
Yeah, going to lgbt centers is a good idea. I've been to one near me a few times with friends, but I haven't been there in a while and never went alone. I really do need to go back as my therapist keeps encouraging me to do so. I'm going to go to the next meeting they have and put myself out there. I've been scared and shy about this for too long.
Quote from: kathyk on December 28, 2013, 09:13:18 AM
Please don't dislike me for saying what needs to be said in these paragraphs.
You can try to help them understand, but there really is noting more you can do if they don't or can't accept you and your transition. Just tell them you love them, and let them go because the more you try to adjust your life to placate them the less you are as a person. Remember, they've got their own beliefs and feelings, and they may never see the true and authentic person you have to be, or that you will become.
You know I've had the same problem with my sons, two of my brothers, and almost all my cousins or distant relatives. Even though it means loosing them, I finally had to let them think and feel what they wanted without my concern. That meant not changing what I had to do, or setting aside my needs to fix their problems. I don't argue with them, and if they can't accept me it's their problem now, not mine. And I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you'll have to do the same. Taking this step may seem irrational, misguided, and coldly selfish, but it opens the door to your own self worth. It'll hurt, you're going to cry about it, and you'll think about them from time to time with wishes of having them back in your life. But they may never come back to you.
In varying degrees our family members have contact with us. And a few of us are very lucky to have wonderfully open and loving families that grace us with open arms. But for most (including me) that not always the case, and the outcome for those family members who reject our transition has almost always been an empty separation.
In transition there's chains holding us back. But we all eventually find ways of breaking them, and we escape the self imposed prison that holds us.
Hug hun.
K
thanks for sharing :)
Quote from: learningtolive on December 28, 2013, 06:06:26 AM
Then I was told I'm selfish and that I'm putting everyone's life at risk
I'm trying to comprehend the logic behind this? How are you possibly putting everyone's life at risk?
Doesn't make sense to me?
- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
I was just myself for long enough that they got used to it. Not only that, but they saw my happiness skyrocket and I finally was following through on my commitments. Transition made me a better person, and they couldn't deny it.
- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation? Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
Be smart about the fights you pick. In fact it's best that you act like the stable one here and let THEM realise they are the ones acting irrationally. Bring no harm to them, no fighting...but be peacefully ADAMANT about who you are. They cannot deny that. I made it clear that I was going to transition WITH OR WITHOUT THEM.
- What are some missteps that you would advise against?
Don't get violent or argumentative it will set you back. Show them that you are in a sound state of mind and that you are very serious about this. Now is the time to show your parents that YOU are sure of who you are and that YOU can be more of an adult about this than they are!
- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?
In my experience: NO; trying to keep everyone comfortable was the worst thing I could do. It's impossible. Yes you will face unfair treatment, but you must be stronger. I decided early on that if I lose some family members due to their own ignorance, then so be it. In the end they all cam around. BTW my mother is Catholic and she came around.
- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?
Use actions, not words. Be an unstoppable force that is not subject to bad opinions and expectations. Let them know this is not just a phase by remaining true to yourself. Don't waiver or seem inconsistent (this is why you cant please everyone). You need to let them see that you aren't crazy, and that the lie was your PAST, not your future.
- If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?
OMG I tried and tried to educate my parents without much initial success. I left articles I found laying about the house. I gave some to my father and mother. Their attitude was "OK now I know you're transgender and that's all that matters, so why do I need to read this?" I think after a while they must have begun to look things up on their own because one time in public my Dad vehemently defended me from a woman who insulted me...he began citing "all of the things we go through and the pain" and I know he must have read that on his own. Things started to change eventually. They saw what I was standing up to, and they decided I think they'd rather be in their child's corner to be there rather than to work against me.
- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?
I had a sit-down talk with my parents to let them know I was serious. I was very calm and mature...I told them about how much went on behind their backs, and that this was not something new to me...just new to them. I let them know that their worst fears and worries about me transitioning would be better than the option of me NOT transitioning. It would have killed me. I rebutted their accusation that I was being selfish by explaining that the TRULY selfish behaviour is not allowing someone to be themselves. You are not being selfish, they are! This had never even occurred to my parents. You have an inherent right to BE YOURSELF, and when they see you are happier any good parent will know it's for the better.
When your parents had kids they surely wondered/speculated what their children would be like. Now they know! Don't apologise to them for not fitting into the pre-defined visions they may have had.
Hope I helped! Biggest tip, and you've heard it before: Time! It takes TIME for them to think and re-assess their age-old belief system just like it takes so many of us time to overcome the same thing.
Quote from: JordanBlue on December 29, 2013, 12:46:38 PM
I'm trying to comprehend the logic behind this? How are you possibly putting everyone's life at risk?
Doesn't make sense to me?
My family is under the impression that the world hates lgbt people and bigots will target us and our families. While lgbt violence is a legitimate concern, they really are exaggerating the reality of the situation. In my mom's mind, I'm very likely to get violently assaulted, raped or even killed for being trans. And since I live with my mother and sister, they are also at great risk. Yeah, there are bigots, but it's not like we live in hate town usa which is how she is acting. These are the fear tactics I hear when I talk about my transition and they refuse to actually learn about what's really going on because they'd rather dream up some terrifying delusions to scare me into doing "the right thing". Some member of my family are a bit paranoid and very distrustful of other people which has been passed on to me and why I'm so afraid of society overall. To be fair, my mother didn't have the greatest childhood and she always wanted to protect me and my sisters from the evils of the world and from getting hurt. Sadly, there are things that happened in my life which has made her feel she's failed (any mother would have under the impossible standards she created for herself). Of course, she can't blame herself for those things and she needs to let go a bit and let us all live. The whole problem is that she doesn't know how to do that and my transition has only made her try to tighten her grip. I truly love my mother, but she needs to let me live my life and be free instead of convincing me to fear my dreams in order to maintain control. At the end of the day, I'm her youngest child and she's simply afraid of losing me in many different ways. This is why I feel therapy will do us all good. Once she can stop being so overprotective and can simply let go than we both will have healthier lives and a better relationship to show for it. I have faith we will get there even if there will inevitably be more fights and emotional brawls before we reach that point.
Sorry for all these long posts today. I'm in an introspective mood.
Quote from: MiaOhMya! on December 29, 2013, 01:18:00 PM
- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
I was just myself for long enough that they got used to it. Not only that, but they saw my happiness skyrocket and I finally was following through on my commitments. Transition made me a better person, and they couldn't deny it.
- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation? Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
Be smart about the fights you pick. In fact it's best that you act like the stable one here and let THEM realise they are the ones acting irrationally. Bring no harm to them, no fighting...but be peacefully ADAMANT about who you are. They cannot deny that. I made it clear that I was going to transition WITH OR WITHOUT THEM.
- What are some missteps that you would advise against?
Don't get violent or argumentative it will set you back. Show them that you are in a sound state of mind and that you are very serious about this. Now is the time to show your parents that YOU are sure of who you are and that YOU can be more of an adult about this than they are!
- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?
In my experience: NO; trying to keep everyone comfortable was the worst thing I could do. It's impossible. Yes you will face unfair treatment, but you must be stronger. I decided early on that if I lose some family members due to their own ignorance, then so be it. In the end they all cam around. BTW my mother is Catholic and she came around.
- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?
Use actions, not words. Be an unstoppable force that is not subject to bad opinions and expectations. Let them know this is not just a phase by remaining true to yourself. Don't waiver or seem inconsistent (this is why you cant please everyone). You need to let them see that you aren't crazy, and that the lie was your PAST, not your future.
- If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?
OMG I tried and tried to educate my parents without much initial success. I left articles I found laying about the house. I gave some to my father and mother. Their attitude was "OK now I know you're transgender and that's all that matters, so why do I need to read this?" I think after a while they must have begun to look things up on their own because one time in public my Dad vehemently defended me from a woman who insulted me...he began citing "all of the things we go through and the pain" and I know he must have read that on his own. Things started to change eventually. They saw what I was standing up to, and they decided I think they'd rather be in their child's corner to be there rather than to work against me.
- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?
I had a sit-down talk with my parents to let them know I was serious. I was very calm and mature...I told them about how much went on behind their backs, and that this was not something new to me...just new to them. I let them know that their worst fears and worries about me transitioning would be better than the option of me NOT transitioning. It would have killed me. I rebutted their accusation that I was being selfish by explaining that the TRULY selfish behaviour is not allowing someone to be themselves. You are not being selfish, they are! This had never even occurred to my parents. You have an inherent right to BE YOURSELF, and when they see you are happier any good parent will know it's for the better.
When your parents had kids they surely wondered/speculated what their children would be like. Now they know! Don't apologise to them for not fitting into the pre-defined visions they may have had.
Hope I helped! Biggest tip, and you've heard it before: Time! It takes TIME for them to think and re-assess their age-old belief system just like it takes so many of us time to overcome the same thing.
Thank you! This was all very helpful. :)
I was lucky, mum did most of the hard work.
She explained to all of my family what was going on and told them if they didn't support it, they'll never see us again.
I was welcomed with open arms.
I think what also helped was I dressed down for a long time around my family.