This is a thread I have been considering making for a very long time, but never did because I wasn't sure if it would help anyone. But now I feel this needs to be said, as I want to warn others from my experiences. This is going to sound like a pity party, but I want people to realize that while transition has costs, so does NOT transitioning.
TL;DR if you know you are trans and that transition is right for you, and you delay or for anyone or anything else, you'll probably be sorry later. I wish I had sacked up and not given a crap what others think.
I personally was set to transition in 2009, T letter in hand, but I delayed hormones for 3 years because my family said I'd have to leave home if I started hormones. I had just won scholarships, and was doing well in uni, and if I left home I'd have to work full-time and kiss my scholarships goodbye (you have to maintain a full courseload and work a set number of hours to keep them). I chose my education - I wanted the opportunities it had to offer, to take advantage of the scholarships I earned. But I also wanted to show the world that I was the "strong one." The "rational one" who could hold off on transition for more practical gains. The one who could gain his family's love and approval, because until then, I musn't have been good enough at convincing them I was worthy of transition.
I wish I had known how much of my life delaying transition would ruin. In those 3 short years, I became bitter, cynical, and angry. I was with a woman who loved me as a man, and really, truly understood how hard transition was on me and always had my back. But when I got depressed over the delay, I couldn't give her what she needed. I remember that a bit after our breakup she said "you used to be the person who could make me feel a great feeling that no one else could give me. Now, you make me feel horrible things that no one else can make me feel."
I let my health go completely. I just stopped caring because I wasn't dealing with my body issues (a.k.a. becoming the man I am and staying a girl). I'm always tired, I'm weak, my cholesterol is high, and it's going to take a lot of effort to reverse those things.
I think the thing I've lost the most by not transitioning is my confidence. How many times did I have to shut my mouth, sell myself short, and deny the truth to keep the peace? How many times did I feel embarrassed when I told people I was trans but couldn't explain why years had passed and nothing was happening? Those things wear down on you. Cowering in fear of others, in time, will wear you down, even if the short-term rewards are there.
I realize some people truly are not safe and can't transition. But I implore all of you who want to transition but are scared to really question why. Is it truly something beyond your control, something that seriously compromises your safety, or are these things you could overcome if you made the appropriate choices and sacrifices?
I hate thinking that others will feel this way because they want to wait until their family understands. Because they want to wait until they're in the "right" group of people, until they can start "fresh", whatever. Sometimes the barriers are real, sometimes they are in our head, and the ones in our head don't matter. If I could do it over, I'd turn down the scholarships, move out, work full time and take longer to complete my degree. No question. The money wasn't worth it. I waited for approval that wouldn't come until they saw I had sacked up and asserted that I was in fact a man, and that this transition was MY choice, not theirs.
If this helps even one person, I'll be a very happy man.
Caleb, I agree whole heartedly! I should have started many years ago. I am 48 now and will never, ever have the chance to really grow as a woman. Yes, I feel like one inside, and that's great, but I will never get to live free, find love or be anywhere near passable. If you do not really know if transition is for you, especially male to female, please get on AAs to save your body from the "T" monster. I am happy though to support all of the beautiful young girls here and live through them each day. I feel all of their emotions both good and bad and feel like a part of their lives. I wish I had not been raised in a generation that treated us as mentally unfit people with "stupid" idea's and feelings. I am so glad though to see the advancements being made today in both medicine and societal acceptance. My family members here, please, use your new freedoms to become who you are and don't let people make you live a lie. Embrace your uniqueness! :)
Quote from: caleb. on January 02, 2014, 06:25:17 PM
TL;DR if you know you are trans and that transition is right for you, and you delay or for anyone or anything else, you'll probably be sorry later.
Comforting words.
Many people urged me (to put it mildly) to put off my transition until my daughter was out of high school.
I didn't.
Aside from the breakup of our marriage (which may have happened anyway), she hasn't suffered any ill effects. In fact we're closer than ever.
Ignoring that advice was one of the best decisions I've made.
If its any consolation I got a similar response from my parents when I was in college. I liked college and I felt it was good for me. I always tell others behind me to not jeopardize your ability to make a living and if one has to suck it up to get through college then do it. Once one is out of school, its something that no one an ever take away. Hang in there. I lived through it all, and became a book worm to hide my gender, and yet here I am today many years later in my new gender.
Well, I stopped my transition after two years and then delayed it for another 22 years. I have fairly mixed feelings about that. If, back in 1990, I could have been the person I am today then yeah, why would I ever want to stop? But I wasn't, I was fairly neurotic, depressed, asocial, confused, lonely, poor... to be brutally honest I don't think I would have survived transition had I tried to stick with it. I guess having started transitioned and "failed" is no the same as never having started at all, so a bit different from what you're saying Caleb. Do I ever think, "Gee, if only I had just stuck it out I would have been living as my preferred gender for over half my life now"? - sure, frequently! Only problem is I doubt my life would have ended up lasting all that long - will never know of course.
So yes, I'd recommend not delaying transition too, but I'd also suggest people just have the right emotional and personal and professional supports in place for when the road gets bumpy, as it inevitably does. :)
Yes if I had started a decade ago then I would be done by now and likely debt free. I'd be younger with less testosterone damage too.
That said I'd probably be dead. I have emotionally and socially abusive parents who like to meddle in my life and live it for me. Also after surgery, name change, and becoming full time I would be broke and out of work once completed. No local hospital would take me once the rumors and gossip start. I'd have to move and definitely be stealth instead of being open with my friends because of where I live and how people viewed transgender back then here in my little part of Georgia.
The most important thing I would miss out on though is my son. He is the best thing in my life and I love him with all my heart. He makes me feel like I can do this and not care about anyone else's approval because he loves me just because. And that is just so cool.
On other hand I am financially in a hard place right now. I have great credit and a good career but I am looking down the barrel of a divorce and trying to sell a house that will likely cost my X wife and I money. I also drive a nice SUV and that gets expensive not only on the payments but also on the taxes and fuel.
On the plus side of now I have a plan for this and I am more patient than I have ever been in my life. Which ironic really in that I can't wait anymore to be who I am. This forum and our connections here have been especially helpful to me. All of you have inspired me to push this forward for myself. I love all of you and I hope that no one feels that it is too late. Because it is not.
I have top surgery in 10 days and my family wants me to wait until after I get a degree, saying that $6500 could go to my education. I simply told them would you rather me be miserable the next couple years or happy? They still don't get it but I know from the nightmares in my sleep that is the right to have surgery first and everything else second.
Unless there are extenuating circumstances then I would say that delaying your transition will be a huge regret. I knew 19 years ago that I needed to transition but due to my fears (and insufficient information) I made a conscious choice to try to suppress that need, I even told my best friend at the time that "I know I'll regret this but...". Well, I was right, I did/do regret that decision.
Yep. I am in total agreement. Sure, I wanted to transition at 10 but...yeah...let's not go into that. BUT I COULD of had a better chance at 19 but the only reason I didn't was because my mom was divorcing my dad. Then.....WOOSH! ten years went by. But, then again, you can't make up the time you lost, no matter what.
Well, I found your post helpful so I can confirm it helped at least one person! :)
But in my case, I feel a full transition would've been a regret. I don't know that for sure, but I suspect it would.
In my case, I would've regretted continuing to be in denial of my dysphoria. Deciding to understand it and deal with it was a good decision, I put it off too long. The time delay may very well have made transition a less desirable option, which goes to your point.
But no regrets I didn't transition now or in the past, I wouldn't change a thing at this point. :)
I had such a choice. I was at uni, did my courses, aimed to graduate within 3 years or so with a masters in physics. Then came the days i could not hold it up anymore. I was trying to trod on and to make things work, continue education to get my degree, even if I had to be that guy for some more time. I had a foreign exchange year and learned about transsexuality in that time. When I came back I struggled hard - my grades dropped, I failed exams - eventually I gave in and transitioned. I was young, poor, my parents kicked me out and eventually I failed uni anyways. But I recovered. I found work, I had new supportive friends, I got my HT and my name change with support from the government for poor people needing legal assistance. I got my GRS paid for by the health insurance I was able to keep and after all this chaos that lasted about 2 years, I started uni again with a new masters courseload. My parents came around and supported me, financed me even and I did well after that. I would not want to miss this - even though it was chaotic and all, but looking back, it would not have paid off to do these three more years until the end of uni. Transitioning on the job would have been even harder than as i did it now, and I doubt that I would have managed to get through uni anyways with a mind that is like 50% occupied with thoughts about transition... Once the mind is set to that, it takes incredible amounts of brainpower - the only way really is to totally go into self denial and I could not do that.
I agree that delaying your transition can be a huge regret, I delayed for decades & regret it terribly, it's taken 3 years to get on HRT & will not stop my HRT no matter what people say.
Since I came out i've lost my job & my home, this has effected my health. On friday I saw a very good friend who is very supportive but she suggested that due to my eczema & depression being so severe I should considering putting my transition on hold until life is more stable.
This is an unreasonable expectation, it takes years to transition & with the job market the way it is no-one can guarantee to hold down full time employment for that length of time, my eczema flares up every few years & it always sets off deep depression so if I was to wait until I was employed & my skin was completely clear then i'd possibly never transition.
Last year I was checked out by ATOS, they check everyone who gets signed off work for long term health issues & they said that due to my skin I may eventually be put on sickness/disability benifits permenantly, so waiting for my skin to clear so I can transition is just a plain stupid idea, I know my friend is concerned about my mental state right now but to use the mastermind catchphrase "I've started so i'll finish"
I would like to point out that just because you have regrets about delaying transitioning, that doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision. Some of us hold off because we simply aren't ready for one reason or another.
Quote from: Jayne on January 12, 2014, 05:54:03 PM
waiting for my skin to clear so I can transition is just a plain stupid idea
I think putting just about anything on hold "until ... happens" when ... is something you have no control over, is generally a bad idea.
Give yourself lots of credit for the courage to go forward. Times have been tough but you are tougher.
I think we all agree that we should of all started many years before the time we actually did. :angel: Personally I wish I had the courage to transition back in early high school when male puberty started to hit me the hardest. Sadly however I attended a small school where everyone knows everyone and sense that would of made me a outcast at school. I would of also had to become a outcast in my own family. I didn't want to be thrown to the side as garage as some would say. Either way I knew for a fact that even if I did come out back then. It would of resulted in nothing because my parents would have not supported it and I would of been truly living against myself. So I ended up believing that maybe I'm just stuck as the male I am and nothing will change that.... If only I knew the benefits to changing back then vs now. Well atleast there is still time... :embarrassed:
When I reached adulthood Christine Jorgensen and Renee Richards were the only transsexuals most people had heard of. Reported cases were extremely rare and experienced physicians and counselors were very rare.
Genital Surgery was very primitive compared to what is available today.
I made the only choice that was workable in the early 1970's.
I joined the Navy, went to college on the GI bill, and got my degree. I was immediately employed in my chosen profession. I married two years later, and had a daughter five years after that.
My daughter is a beautiful 26 year old with a Master's degree. She has traveled extensively in Asia, Europe and North America. She is everything I would have liked to have been.
My wife of 32 years loves me and accepts, indeed revels in, my change of sex. I'm retired with a guaranteed lifetime income well about the U.S. Median income. I will never be homeless or hungry or unable to afford medical care.
If I were coming of age today, my choices would probably be different, but I don't regret my choices.
Randi
I regretted not transitioning in 1979 when I planned and waiting til 1991.In hindsight it would not have gone well in 1979,I knew nothing of HRT,electrolysis, medical procedures weren't as good,there was a lot more prejudice and less legal protection. I wasn't confident and used far too much booze,speed and weed then,convinced I was going to turn out some hideous monster I put my plans on hold,I knew someday it would happen.
I "came out" as a toddler and my parents said transitioning was impossible. Spent my early adolescence in heavy denial, half-knowing I was trans but having been taught it was wrong. The awful day where strangers stopped seeing me as male came about 13-14 (I was quite masculine looking but certain physical characteristics were ahem... protruding... too much to be ignored). Came out at 15, parents pretended it wasn't happening. Came out much more assertively a few months later around the time I turned 16, parents said I should wait until uni because apparently nobody cares at uni. I was having none of it :D and it turns out nobody cared at high school either and I had a very successful social transition.
I completely understand the whole "not transitioning in the '70s" thing, but I am so overwhelmingly glad I didn't wait another second to become me. I'm also still trying to let go of the frustration and disappointment that I feel about not transitioning earlier, specifically before puberty properly set in. I'd agree that in this day and age, delaying your transition is probably a really bad idea. That said "probably" is a significant word and many people (as in the above comments) do have compelling reasons to transition later.
Posting for the first time in forever :embarrassed: Yeah, I'm kind of in a perpetual delay myself, and really starting to get how much it just wears on you. I kept putting off getting my letter for T, thinking I should wait until I was doing better emotionally, until I had my life more figured out. Which seems pretty reasonable, but ultimately it's just gotten me to this horrible place. I'm more depressed than I can ever remember being, more anxious than I've been in years, I turned back to some problem behaviors that have seriously complicated my life, and because I gave up on trying to get my family to use correct pronouns and whatnot, it's like they completely ignore that I even came out. That wouldn't bother me as much if I hadn't moved back home and had to constantly be bombarded with it. The problem with waiting until you're in a better place to transition, in my case at least, was that I don't think I can be in a good place until I do. And it feels kind of like starting from scratch, because I lost all the momentum I had going and got stuck. I really wish that I kept on moving forward, I wouldn't have gotten in such a dark place.
Have you considered low dose testosterone, Darkflame? I found T to be massively stabilizing (probably wouldn't look that way from someone looking in at me now but I am so much less of a train wreck now than I was before) not just from relieving dysphoria but just chemically my emotions are much more "normal." I know lots of people are worried about it being destabilizing but out of all the guys I've met IRL I have only ever seen positive or neutral emotional changes.
Your whole situation sounds nasty though :( with me a large chunk of my problems stemmed from my dysphoria which I know know I am on a certain and finite path to fixing. Ah, lives are such complicated things. There is always hope though, I have heard of many people who's families are pretty much forced to use a male name and pronouns because people will think they are crazy if they "she" a stocky dude with a thick bushy beard etc.
I agree.
I was on my way and got started on hrt at 19 and stopped. It took me till 29 to get serious. I think a lot of things play a part in delaying transition. For me life got in the way. Just working and moving out on my own and just growing up. Also, money was another major factor. Sometimes you doubt yourself and weither or not you can do this. But I always knew I wanted to transition I was just afraid of the unknown. I wish I had more courage and just believed in myself when I was younger.
Quote from: Sir Wafflinton on January 13, 2014, 11:33:36 PM
Have you considered low dose testosterone, Darkflame? I found T to be massively stabilizing (probably wouldn't look that way from someone looking in at me now but I am so much less of a train wreck now than I was before) not just from relieving dysphoria but just chemically my emotions are much more "normal." I know lots of people are worried about it being destabilizing but out of all the guys I've met IRL I have only ever seen positive or neutral emotional changes.
Your whole situation sounds nasty though :( with me a large chunk of my problems stemmed from my dysphoria which I know know I am on a certain and finite path to fixing. Ah, lives are such complicated things. There is always hope though, I have heard of many people who's families are pretty much forced to use a male name and pronouns because people will think they are crazy if they "she" a stocky dude with a thick bushy beard etc.
I am probably going to just bite the bullet and try to get on T and actually start moving forward again. I'll be moving out on my own again soon and most likely to a larger city with more supports in place for trans people. Low dose might be a viable option, I know there are some people who are just better emotionally having the hormone in their system, and it's worth figuring out if that's the case for me.
With family, they probably won't take me seriously until I'm on T. I can't say for sure even then, but hopefully. I have been pretty lucky in that I usually pass when I go out, or at least pretty often. If I'm with my dad, sometimes he'll try to stay neutral and avoid saying anything gendered at all, sometimes he just doesn't notice and keeps on with female pronouns. But every once and a while he will apologize, like he just remembered that it's a thing that really bothers me. I can't really tell with a lot of my family, they've kind of been all over the place with this. They mostly just don't like change ::) It really is something I have to do for myself though, and I'll have to live with it even if they still call me a girl when I have a full on beard :-\
Just wanted to say a short thing - I am SO sad that in the US and elsewhere transsexuality is not considered a medical issue enough to be insurance covered. This is really horrible in my opinion. It is a condition that is life threatening, it is not a lifestyle, not a choice, not an option. The earlier it is treated the better the chances of a succesful healing. To ask of young people who are usually not having money to pay themselves for a cure to such a condition is cruel. I hope the USA and the other countries who handle it that way will manage one day to recognize this and create better conditions. They would not let young people pay themselves for fixing a life threatening heart condition, would they?
I wonder - is there some support network in the USA that helps young transitioners who have no financial support to at least get into therapy, name change, HT and maybe orchie, if not GRS? Like providing easier access to loans for this maybe? I know the support group I was with actually rented a house back in the last century, 1990ies and 1980ies. It was there so people who would loose job and home due to transitioning would have a place to live and get their lives together again. They have given it up now as conditions have improved and people usually are able to keep a job and home while transitioning, but I find the general idea of such a strong support network really good. Its not done just by talking sessions and discussion rounds. Oh and they also organized someone to visit at hospital stays for GRS if people had no other friends or family anymore, so they would not be alone and unable to get to the store or get fresh clothes after the 9 hour plus surgeries.
I'm definitely going to agree that delaying transition is probably almost always going to lead to regret. I'm another one that has regrets.
I've known that I was experiencing intense trans thoughts since I was at least 15. But being the pigheaded teenager that I was, I let myself constantly be convinced "no one would understand," and so I bottled it up. I had a chance to transition at 17 when my mom discovered my diary under my bed while she was cleaning one day, read it, and was shocked to read all of the horrible entries about how much I hated my gender in it. She confronted me about it, on the very same day that we were going to my therapist's office. (She sent me there, because she knew that something was wrong... she knew that I was struggling in school, didn't have as many friends as I used to, and seemed depressed, withdrawn, and angry all the time.) I had a chance to admit it then. But I made the decision to not admit it. I explained the journal entries away as just being a sexual fetish.
You know what that decision cost me? Another TEN years of feeling like complete s***. I barely passed high school. I failed out of my first college, and was within one semester of failing out of my second one. Even when I finally started getting it together, I became terribly withdrawn. I had no friends anymore. I'd completely forgotten how to talk to people and relate to them at the most basic of levels. My mind was still constantly at war with my body, at war with my sex-drive, and life was basically just a constant unending battle to perform the simplest of tasks that most people were able to do without even thinking about them.
While I don't think my HRT results would have been that much better, I missed out on pretty much my entire young life. High school and college is usually the best time of a young person's life, when they're still young and wild and free, and living it up. I'll never have that experience, because due to not confronting my trans desires, I wasted my entire early-adulthood buried in a mire self-hatred that made it impossible for me to function both socially and professionally on the most basic of levels.
A big Hug, Carrie :)
Its really weird, right, the "censorhip in the head" that we have sooo early. Even if asked, we will deny out of fear. I also did not tell my childhood psych a thing. That was at age 9. Its so imprinted in us that "one does not say something like this", its such a big Taboo that it even is in our minds as children...
And then we bottle up, feel like we dont belong to anyone and miss out on so much...
On the other hand I am glad that at least many are finding their way still early. My regrets would have been probably larger if I had only done so at 40 or 60...so I should not complain. OTOH, with late transitioners their bonus is that they may have had kids, something I will never have...
(Anjaq : Because the US does not have a federal healthcare system - this is a debate I'm not trying to start! - coverage actually varies by state and by insurance company [and employer]. There are now five states that DO mandate that any insurance company selling a policy within their borders must cover all transgender care, no exceptions or excuses. I've been trying to spread the word in case other trans people want to consider living in one of those states!)
Well so personal and individual.
In my case, no, no regret. But I was born in the 1950's. I transitioned when it made sense for me. Lots of good things happened in my old life, it wasnt all bad and miserable. I am much happier and more stable now and basically have no regrets.
For someone who is very young, in this time, its generally best to change young. Not to delay. Mostly when you read why young people delay it is for reasons of money, or school, or parents. Practical things. I dream of a world where those things cease being obstacles. But if you are one of the fortunate few with a supportive wealthy family and live in an accepting community and strongly feel the need then delay will be regret. Sadly, only the mose privileged have those things.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on January 15, 2014, 10:18:20 AM
(Anjaq : Because the US does not have a federal healthcare system - this is a debate I'm not trying to start! - coverage actually varies by state and by insurance company [and employer]. There are now five states that DO mandate that any insurance company selling a policy within their borders must cover all transgender care, no exceptions or excuses. I've been trying to spread the word in case other trans people want to consider living in one of those states!)
Could you name or reference the states that do cover this? I'm sure many people would like to know.
Is the wiki of this page still active? It would be possibly a good information to put up there. I noticed the surgeon list is outdated though.
Quote from: Natallie553 on January 16, 2014, 09:18:26 AM
Could you name or reference the states that do cover this? I'm sure many people would like to know.
Vermont, Colorado, California, Oregon, Washington, and also the District of Columbia if I remember correctly.
QuoteYou know what that decision cost me? Another TEN years of feeling like complete s***. I barely passed high school. I failed out of my first college, and was within one semester of failing out of my second one. Even when I finally started getting it together, I became terribly withdrawn. I had no friends anymore. I'd completely forgotten how to talk to people and relate to them at the most basic of levels. My mind was still constantly at war with my body, at war with my sex-drive, and life was basically just a constant unending battle to perform the simplest of tasks that most people were able to do without even thinking about them.
While I don't think my HRT results would have been that much better, I missed out on pretty much my entire young life. High school and college is usually the best time of a young person's life, when they're still young and wild and free, and living it up. I'll never have that experience, because due to not confronting my trans desires, I wasted my entire early-adulthood buried in a mire self-hatred that made it impossible for me to function both socially and professionally on the most basic of levels.
I was going to write something to this effect. I have put of transitioning for several years, for several reasons. Most of which have been covered here (finances, family, friends, education) and a couple that haven't (health, faith).
If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have given two ->-bleeped-<-s what my old therapist and my church had to say about my transitioning. I would have gone for it when I was 23-24, and in a position to do something with my life. Instead, I let 4 years pass before I was willing to even admit that I was trans again. It was closet-thirty, more or less. I've spent 4 years being absolutely miserable and depressed. I had to walk away from God to find myself again and that was the most difficult part so far.
That being said, I know that I will have to walk away from my family when I transition. I don't have much of a relationship with any of them these days, except my mother. Do I have it in me to walk away and be my own man? That's the question that keeps me waiting.
I feel cheated out of my 20s, basically. If I had transitioned at 22, I probably would have been able to maintain a social life. I like to think that if I had transitioned in college, I'd have started a real career in my early 20s instead of drifting through life. Who knows? I can only go on from where I am now.
ThePhoenix's list is correct, except that CT has just joined the group. (Well, and this article says it's only DC, not the state of Washington *and* Washington DC, but that's an easy mistake to make - I had to check again myself to be sure.)
http://www.courant.com/news/politics/hc-gender-identity-connecticut-1227-20131226,0,1545137.story
Quote from: Natallie553 on January 13, 2014, 10:25:48 AM
I think we all agree that we should of all started many years before the time we actually did. :angel: Personally I wish I had the courage to transition back in early high school when male puberty started to hit me the hardest. Sadly however I attended a small school where everyone knows everyone and sense that would of made me a outcast at school. I would of also had to become a outcast in my own family. I didn't want to be thrown to the side as garage as some would say. Either way I knew for a fact that even if I did come out back then. It would of resulted in nothing because my parents would have not supported it and I would of been truly living against myself. So I ended up believing that maybe I'm just stuck as the male I am and nothing will change that.... If only I knew the benefits to changing back then vs now. Well atleast there is still time... :embarrassed:
Don't worry about it babe, your still young and looking good! I regret not transitioning in Highschool as well but hey what can we do right? Ill be 22 in about a week btw, I took my first hormones in my late teens but still wish I would have spoken up and stood up for myself when I was even younger! I would have had a much more fullfilling childhood and adolescence. No reason not be a 20 year old bombshell though ;)
I have to agree about the regret. At 60 I still haven't transitioned, though I am very recently back on hrt. I was all set for transition in the mid 90's, but just couldn't bring myself to leave my wife like that. Felt guilty about bringing her into a marriage knowing that I'm transgendered. I have set up so many hurdles to force myself to be a man. The fact is I am a woman and nothing I do to force myself to be otherwise can change this. Over the last several years I have continued to complicate my life, but now, I'm trying to find a way out through all these barriers I've put in place. I had the opportunities, but let either my fears of not knowing how I'd live as a woman, or my guilt regarding my marriage, overwhelm me. I'm unhappy, essentially hate my life, and think I should just walk out the front door and disappear. Anyway, even at 60 I still feel the need to transition. I'd really like to be happy and content with who I am.
I have mixed feelings on the delay - regret thing.
Yes, knowing what I know now, 8 year old me totally should've tightly wrapped a rubber band around his balls, waited until he couldn't stand the pain, and then told his mom what he did so she could take him to the hospital and have them properly removed. Drastic, sure. But, it would've preempted all of the reasons that caused me to delay until I was 32.
And, I do regret the delay, immensely, and for many many reasons.
However. I also must look at it from the perspective that all of my lifes experiences to date have led me to where I am at this moment. The good ones. The bad ones. All have defined me and helped me grow as a person. And, I LIKE who I am as a person. I just don't like the manly shell I occupy.
Quote from: anjaq on January 15, 2014, 03:33:36 AM
I wonder - is there some support network in the USA that helps young transitioners who have no financial support to at least get into therapy, name change, HT and maybe orchie, if not GRS?
Some cities have LGBT centers that help with some of this. For example, in Philadelphia there is the Mazonni Center (the one who put on the Philly Trans-Health conference in June annually). You can get free endo appts there and get cheap hormones. I don't know if they have a system for free hormones, but I don't think so. You can get psychotherapy there so I am assuming if you can get appts with the endo for free, you can get free therapy there, as well. They work from the informed consent model for hormones. In terms of loans for surgeries, you are looking at Care credit or private loans pretty much here in the U.S.
Quote from: Arch on January 12, 2014, 06:40:31 PM
I would like to point out that just because you have regrets about delaying transitioning, that doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision. Some of us hold off because we simply aren't ready for one reason or another.
Yes.
Delaying transition or remaining non-transitioned are both valid options. Some people delay or choose to not transition for family, work, education, personal issues with their identity, medical reasons and the list goes on.
I delayed transition because even though I knew, I wasn't ready emotionally. The fact that one comment put me back in closet for four years is enough proof of that. Being trans is a part of our lives, obviously, but it isn't the only thing in our lives. Its easy to say "I should have done XYZ" but it's impossible to know that xyz would have affected your life. Personally, I have held off commenting because the topic was triggering until I thought about it.
While I don't regret transitioning, I am very VERY glad I delayed it. I have lost nothing and gained everything. To everyone who may read this and has any reservations, don't worry. It's not a race. Take it at your own pace. It doesn't make you less of a man/woman/human. Do whatever you feel is right for you.
Yeah... just going to add that I'm having a SERIOUS "why didn't I do this earlier?" freakout.
Because right now it's looking like HRT isn't going to fix my half-bald spot. If I had started hormones earlier in life, I wouldn't have had this problem at all. But now I'm feeling like I'm never going to get what I want, just because I was too much of an idiot to recognize how unhappy I was and do something about it. :'(
I delayed, I do regret it, but the magnitude of my delay is less than it would at first seem. Four years ago when I first came to this place I was already pretty sure that I wanted full transition, even if the idea was to "take it as far as I felt comfortable".
These days, after 4 years I am on hormones, but still not full time. I have independence but not the employment I want. It might seem like I have delayed since I started on here but I really haven't.
What I did was redefine what pursuing transitsion meant. A job would lead to stability which would lead to independence which would lead to courage which would lead to the ability to physically transition. So everything I have done has been for this, I have made more progress in 4 years than the previous 24, even if it doesn't look like a straight line.
If I would have ignored everything and went directly for what I wanted, outcomes would likely not have been as good as they have been. I have had to build up the courage and self acceptance I have over a long period of time. Without those easy baby steps my confidence would likely have suffered a few irreparable setbacks by now.
Really what I regret the most is the time I thought I could fix myself through denial.
This thread has helped me alot! I'm 22 years old and living in the San Francisco Bay Area. I really want to transition, but work/schooling is becoming an inconvenience for a smooth sailing. This transition process is like the foundation of my life and the other stuff in life just goes on top of it. If I do the top parts first, then the whole thing, my life, will be wobbly. So, I'm going to put off getting a college degree in order to go through the transition process smoothly and also so I can live the rest of my life being who I really want to be. If I wait any longer, it will be harder for me to get a transition because there's going to be more responsibilities that's going to pile up on me. Even though some may say that I should finish my college and get a good job first, I think in my situation, it is best that I get the transition now.
Regarding where I am at right now in my transition process, I just went to a big trans organization at the heart of San Francisco. They have the resources, referrals, contacts, and healthcare to guide me along the way. Right now, I'm just feeling fidgety and impatient having to play the waiting game :(
If you own your decisions in life, the pace you set and the direction you take there should not be regrets only acceptance and celebration. This way your decision to transition now or later is owned by you. It is your story. It is your narrative and you have authored it. Only you can say whether the cadence and direction set earlier in your journey was deliberately wrong or casually negligent but I suggest that this is rarely the case. Don't fall into the trap of the classic revisionist, hind sight is always 20/20, you made a call, own and accept it. When you are ready to transition, ie that it is now right for you, walk boldly on and honor your decision and yourself.
Safe travels
Aisla
When I was at home I didn't want to upset my family and it seemed something I could deal with. After that I was in such a struggle to survive financially, it didn't seem an option. At 35 I tried it on the cheap and had a reaction to taking dutasteride so that my health became the issue and it seemed a bad idea to take any drugs with my liver issues making me feel sick. So now I have a better grasp on my finances and my health. Important lessons to be learned for sure.
I can't say that I really regret how things went down. I don't know what I would be like now if I transitioned early. For me there are two transitions. One, male to female, the other older to younger. Having missed out on some experiences, I want them back. Instead of just accepting the loss, I am using my radical methods to see if I can do some reverse aging. I am not sure I would have come to this place if things unfolded in a different order.
Oh my gosh how this thread really hits home with me. I wanted so much to transition years ago, but like so many of us I had family and career issues to deal with even following my imancipation at 15 just to get away from my adopted father. I have also suffered major depressions even in the last 5 years since I've been living full time brought on when I think about so many years lost to misery when I could have been happy during those years had I transitioned years ago. I've always known I was/am female. I know other girls going through the same thing know what I'm about to say so I won't repeat other posts/replies I've made on the subject.
Now that I'm finally transitioning the one thing I do have going for me is my lifelong feminine features and bone structure. Still though, had I transitioned much earlier I wouldn't have lost the best years of my life to misery and despair that twice was so bad it nearly took my life. Now that I am transitioning, I won't stop for anything or anyone, and have never been happier. ;)
Ally
Indeed 44 years of regret right here.
I wish I would have known and been a stronger person earlier on.
Thinking about all the time I wasted pretending makes me sad sometimes.
Interesting thread that really made me think about things.
Regrets are toxic emotions that can suffocate you if you let them. Playing that "what if" game never ends well either. I try not to go there.
I knew something was up with me when I was 4 years old, and by the time I was 14 I was literally losing sleep over this whole "girl thing". I tried to stuff it down as deep as I could and filled my life full of things that would distract me, which actually isn't that hard when you have ADD. Until I was 43 years old, I could cope with the dysphoria and even completely put it out of my mind for long periods of time. I never told a soul about what was bothering me. I straight up did NOT want to be a transsexual, and having seen plenty over the years on the daytime talk shows really reinforced this. I mean, let's face it, I could never turn off a program with transfolk on it. It was like that proverbial trainwreck I couldn't ever look away from. On some level I knew damned well I was one of them. What I saw more often than not were these miserable, damaged and broken people who were rejected by their SOs, families, jobs and sometimes landlords. Some were forced into sex work. For every one that looked pretty, handsome or just passable, there seemed to be five who weren't so fortunate. I thought my best bet was get by without a transition, keep my life the way it was and just die young. Prolonged misery wasn't going to be in the cards, and I became pretty reckless with my lifestyle choices to hasten my expiration date. I now realize that I had no freaking clue how profoundly miserable I was for that many years, and knowing what I know now about relief makes me sorry I suffered needlessly for decades.
So yes, WHAT IF I transitioned when I was 14 or 18 or 30? My life would have been entirely different and I don't know where that would have put me today. I wouldn't have my wife, my friends, my house, very different life experiences, and perhaps a completely different set of hardships. Who's to say? The path I ended up taking led me to where I am now. And you know what? It's pretty awesome. I have my wife, my friends, my house, my health, memories of epic concerts, a musical instrument collection, and best of all, I can afford to transition now. I don't have job issues, family issues or money issues now. My transition at 43 turned out to be one of the easiest and most seamless transitions I have ever heard of. I'm still amazed by the ease of it and in fact, I suffer from a bit of survivor's guilt when I read about how much suffering goes on here.
Would I regret it if I hadn't taken the hormones when I finally hit bottom? Probably.
Do I regret not doing it before T had a chance to poison me in the first place? Hell no.
This thread really resonates with me. I am someone who tries to live my life in a way so as not to accumulate regret... Yet it happens as I am a master of second guessing myself and, if only sub-consciously playing the "what if?" game...
However, when I become conscious of these thoughts flooding in, I just try to remember that whatever happened in the past is dead and gone and can't ever be again. I treasure the positive memories and experiences... I keep them in a little box in my heart and maybe delve into it when feeling a little reflective...
But I try not to dwell on it and I try not to mull over/beat myself up for stupid things I've done, situations that went bad or paths left untravelled... No good can ever come of it. I know because I blew too much time being a sooky regretmonger in my younger days...
All I got out of it was wasted days, a lot of unnecessary sadness + stress and just ONE positive... the lesson learned that I'm rambling about right now. That the only need we have to remember the bad things is for the lessons learned from them so as to not make the same error again.
In terms of transition + regret... On one level, yes, I wish that I'd taken it on at an earlier age, rather than stumbling towards it now as I am...
But on the other hand, I can't change what has been AND in all honesty, I don't believe I was psychologically prepared for it... I hadn't truly accepted myself yet... I was still trying to lie my way out of it, even though I KNEW my truth all along. But I know now, in this moment and looking forward that I NEED to march forward with my truth in mind and the courage in my heart to fulfill my destiny and become who I am after SO many years of being little more than an image cultivated for survival.
Should I not do this now, THAT will be something to regret. :)
I just found this thread and wanted to add my $0.02.
I can related to what the OP was saying about not delaying your transition. Here's my experience: I'm 23 now. I was 17 when I decided I wanted to transition. My mom going on about how I would need to be a millionaire, be financially stable, this-that-the-other and the high cost of transition and religion at one point as well as the lack of my female repro organs were all the things that were deterring me. And quite frankly, if people don't mind me ranting, I've let those things deter me long enough! >:(
On top of that, I keep begrudging myself for not transitioning during my early childhood. >:(
Quote from: birkin on January 02, 2014, 06:25:17 PMI want people to realize that while transition has costs, so does NOT transitioning.
VERY...
VERY nicely said! I could not have said that better myself. If I
could say that better, I'd also add that sometimes with some people the cost of NOT transitioning could be 10 times bigger than the cost of transitioning. You've just got to keep telling yourself the money you spent on all those surgeries and all those clothes are worth it in the end.
Need I add, that I've seen other MtF trans people talk on YouTube about how so very easy it is to get hormones and to start their transition. The acquiring hormones part is easy anyway. All that aside, I have dreams which I have beyond EVERY intention on accomplishing and things that I want to do, be, and experience... as female.
I used to go out full-time in my pre-transition phase and was already getting gendered as a girl, which made me super happy already. Sure, I got clocked a few times and didn't like it but in those moments I told myself about how much I'll pass AFTER I transition! It was just that I'm at that point in my life where it's either, I spend the hundreds/thousands of dollars it costs to transition or I spend only HALF the cost of transition on a gun so I can blow my brains out, and I really don't want to do that. I want to live my life, my dreams!
None of my post is to say transitioning is a decision that should be taken lightly. It should not. Just to not let the cost, religion, family/friends, or your financial situation or all that jazz stop you if this is something you
really want.
I was 14 when I figured out what was going on. However being in a fundamental church, I tried to forget and became ashamed.
I ended up waiting 19 years! I think at first it was fear, but later just being scared to come out of the safety of the box I was in.
Waiting was the biggest regret for me. I should have just come out, and might have had a better 19 years!
One thing that is really profound to me is that when I watch transition timelines, the photos of people after transition show a much happier person. This has had a big impact on me in helping to decide to transition or not.
As to whether I have regrets, well yes to some degree, but there are a lot of life lessons that are learned by life's challenges, and I would not want to forgo some of those that I have learned in order to have had a better time.
I know that feeling. I could have started hormones at fourteen if I had the courage too, but I waited until I was nineteen. It is a shame really because both my parents are ultra supportive of me and treat me like a princess. I still beat myself up over it because I could have looked cis if I would have started when I found out I was trans or at the very least not have to endure facial hair removal because that stuff hurts.
Quote from: HoneyBunny on April 09, 2014, 01:37:51 PM
I know that feeling. I could have started hormones at fourteen if I had the courage too, but I waited until I was nineteen. It is a shame really because both my parents are ultra supportive of me and treat me like a princess. I still beat myself up over it because I could have looked cis if I would have started when I found out I was trans or at the very least not have to endure facial hair removal because that stuff hurts.
I wouldn't worry hon, at 19 your still young and you look very pretty. :icon_flower:
I would have probly loved if I went to get help when I knew about it. There are 2 points which this could have happend.
My first was when I learned I that I saw myself as a girl at age 13. That said if I did decide to get help, I would have had a huge problem at school (it was very homophobic, trans would have been seen as the same thing and thus I would probly need to switched schools).
The second point where I could have started was when I was 20. Though because I was so unsecure about myself I delayed it untill about 1,5 years later when I was sure. Due to ->-bleeped-<-ed up waiting lists for starting the diagnosis in the Netherlands (for adults) I waited about 11,5 months to get an appointment (there are only 3 places where you can go to ge diagnosed here). If I had gone when I was 20 I would have been done way sooner as the long waiting list is something new that started 2-3 years ago.
That said, I would have probly missed some friends that I made in the last years if started earlier. So it's kind of a mixed feeling.
Agreed 100% on everything you've said! I'm only 22 and I already feel like I started the medical aspect of my transition too late, even though I didnt have much of a choice in the matter.
Regarding the states in the US where insurance covers transgender care. I currently live in Florida and my insurance so far has been covering my transgender care. Right now it's covering my hrt and Endo appointments along with the bloodwork every 3 months my Endo orders, and as long as I have the proper letters from my Endo and therapist it will be covering my VFS/Trachea shave (they're both done at the same time down here) and eventually my SRS/GRS after a reasonable length of time on hrt. VFS and GRS are considered medically necessary and I have a wonderful Godsend of an Endo who'll stand up for me and his other transgender patients. However my insurance won't cover what it considers purely cosmetic proceedures such as FFS and Face/Necklifts for us older girls. Though Florida's not on the list of states mentioned earlier in this thread, I believe Florida is attempting to follow California's model and will soon join Vermont, Colorado, California, Oregon, Washington, and the District of Columbia(Washington DC.), also Connecticut if they have recently joined.
And should something not go right I'll gladly sell my home and move back to my home state of California in order to have the surgeries I need.
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: birkin on January 02, 2014, 06:25:17 PM
TL;DR if you know you are trans and that transition is right for you, and you delay or for anyone or anything else, you'll probably be sorry later. I wish I had sacked up and not given a crap what others think.
Okay, I'm probably the oddball here.
I put everything for myself on hold when my girlfriend became pregnant the first time. At that point, I didn't even realize I was trans, just that I was very uncomfortable in my own being. We got married, had a second child nearly 3 years later, and remained married for a total of 23 years (1988 - 2011).
I regret absolutely nothing regarding my decision to marry and have a family. I love my 2 adult kids, and they're 2 of the fiercest allies I have.
It's now 2014, I'm 44 years old and I've presented myself with a choice. I cannot afford to transition surgically, so I was going to get a medical loan. But after all the growth I experienced in 2013, including the conclusion of my legal transition, I came to realize that I probably couldn't get both the student loans for grad school (seminary) and the medical loan to transition.
I chose seminary.
It is quite possible that I'm now non-op instead of pre-op. And I'm okay with that.
Quote from: ThePhoenix on January 16, 2014, 10:29:52 AM
Vermont, Colorado, California, Oregon, Washington, and also the District of Columbia if I remember correctly.
The California law does not govern the so-called "self insured" policies offered by employers. I know: this is the situation I've run into. My employer self-insures and is permitted to exclude covering transgender services.
I deeply regret not finding help sooner, especially since being closeted was heavy on my physical and mental health when I was in high school. I'm sure in retrospect it was for the best for safety issues, but it lingers on the back of my mind quite a bit.
I think that everyone is different. I know when i was in high school I didn't know what was wrong I just new something was. Therapy was pretty much unheard of at that time. It was there but it was almost shameful to need it. So like a good son I sucked it up and just carried on. I never explored my problems. I surrounded my life with "normalcy". Got married three kids the house, career and so on. Now things have exploded and I am able to understand it. Thanks to my own self exploration of the internet. I think that people that are younger don't really understand that there was no easily accessible information in the 70s and 80s. The world book encyclopedia in my high school was 20 years old and we had 10 computers total in the school. All of that being said I am just starting and don't really know what will happen next. I know what I want but that doesn't make it happen. As for regrets I have a lot of them but those include not picking the winning lottery numbers, going through a stop sign when their was an officer watching and a multitude of other things. I also have things that I would never want to lose. My three wonderful kids, 20 years with a woman I truly loved and all the memories those provide me. I think that transition will or won't happen entirely dependent on each individual person. I also think that if you have huge regrets about not starting earlier you are probably correct for you. If you start later and look at all the positive things that have happened to you then you are able to see that although starting earlier may have made your actual transition quicker or wither hasp better physical results you would have missed out on some amazing experiences and your life now would be very different. It is an individual decision and everyone will always have a different perspective with no hard and fast right or wrong answer.
I have a bit of regret with not transitioning sooner but in the same token, I still feel guilty for doing it now. For the past 5 years my family hasn't been the most financially stable. I'm still trying to balance the costs of new clothes, my T, my therapist appointments on our low budget and I'm looking at the lower end of costs. If money wasn't such a huge factor in this world I'd probably would of transitioned sooner when I first had the information to do so.
Not only did financial costs weight in on my delaying but my marriage did too. I was so deathly afraid of my husband up and leaving me I didn't want to say anything. But go figure, our marriage was headed to divorce if I hadn't transitioned either. If I had known that I was ruining our marriage and my kids lives with me being so heavily depressed and unhappy, I would of found some way to at least live in my preferred role. But alas, hindsight is 20/20.
I'm glad you posted this. It IS helpful. If I would of seen this years ago, who knows where I would be today. I'd like to think super happy and thriving.
I'm 25 and am pre-everything, but working on getting started. Regret about not starting sooner has been hitting my hard the last couple of days. I knew when I was in my teens, but I was too afraid, and then went into denial. I could have gotten help then, but I didn't, and I don't have a good explanation for why.
Im still in the closet, but I regret not coming out at 13 when I 100% knew I was transsexual. And Im still a quite young guy. I could have not gone through most of the female puberty and been a year on t already. And for mostly free too. I constantly beat myself up about it, and every day I that passes that I am such a weak coward.
I agree, Satyromania, to have started before puberty had a chance to do it evil things to us, chest growth and shark week. How old are you? 23 here and looking to starting T. Do you like all the effects of T?
Quote from: mm on April 22, 2014, 03:51:47 PM
I agree, Satyromania, to have started before puberty had a chance to do it evil things to us, chest growth and shark week. How old are you? 23 here and looking to starting T. Do you like all the effects of T?
Currently not appropriate for me to talk about my age, sorry.
Well, not all of them. But I suppose cis men feel the same way too. Balding and higher blood pressure isnt that cool. But I dont really care. If I can start T in around a year from now, I'll be more than happy for the negatives too.
I COMPLETELY agree. Not transitioning is a huge mistake- not only does it affect your body in negative ways but it can affect those around you as well.
If you truly are transgender, the feelings will never go away because your gender truly is opposite of your sex. you can deny it and cover it up, but eventually it will become impossible to hide it anymore. I've seen it so many times with older transwomen and men, and its so sad for everyone involved.
Quote from: JessicaElle on April 23, 2014, 08:34:15 PM
I COMPLETELY agree. Not transitioning is a huge mistake- not only does it affect your body in negative ways but it can affect those around you as well.
If you truly are transgender, the feelings will never go away because your gender truly is opposite of your sex. you can deny it and cover it up, but eventually it will become impossible to hide it anymore. I've seen it so many times with older transwomen and men, and its so sad for everyone involved.
Well said. As a 49 year old in transition now I have regrets for not transitioning at 15 after my imancipation. I've known I'm a girl from my first waking memory. I could list what i've gone through to get where I am now and the hurt and misery that could have been avoided had I done so, but I don't want to repeat my other posts.
I agree with OP 115%
Delaying transition for a military career that got cut short anyway is my singe largest regret in my life. Now that I have started living full time and genuinely enjoying who and what I am, all that delaying just seems silly.
If I could go back and do it all over again I would have just transitioned and told the Navy recruiter to go to hell.
-AM
I wish that I had transitioned earlier, I really do, but I didn't and I need to live with my choices.
I do like the person I am though, so I can't regret too much.