So unfortunately because I like to think about my problems until I come up with a solution or a reasonable compromise, I have reached the conclusion that if I don't transition I will forever be unhappy and will more than likely end up kill myself, or the alternative I wait for my degree while serving, out myself as Transgender, begin my transition and because I wasted so much time in a military that unknowingly hates me come up with unsatisfactory and irreversible results and again kill myself. The thing is this isn't a 'I can't deal with the pain of living so I'm going to end it' sort of suicide, It's more of a logical 'Why waste my time in this life, time to move onto the next' kind. I don't really WANT to kill myself because it would devastate my family and I KNOW my mother wont be able to handle it, but in the end she's the one who has more or less stolen the precious years of my life from me because when her son who never comes to her with problems finally has one that leads him crying into her room to explain he doesn't want to be a boy anymore, and she 'Just doesn't see it'. God I'm so angry over this I'm literally thinking about coming out tomorrow and getting that ticket home so the USAF can kick me out and I can get on with this meaningless existence and the inevitable pressing of the Skip-My-Life-Button. Jesus, what the hell do I do?
Hi Riven,
I know life can really
suck some times.
Quote from: Riven on February 17, 2014, 05:23:21 AM
Jesus, what the hell do I do?
Quote from: Riven on February 17, 2014, 05:23:21 AM
I like to think about my problems until I come up with a solution.
Probably not what you wanted to hear right now. But you're right. You have the solution.
Getting a degree is not a waste of time, irrespective of who pays for it. All the better for you if Uncle Sam pays for it.
If you're intelligent enough to get a degree, you're intelligent enough to plan a transition that won't be unsatisfactory.
And yes. Some people that you expect to stand by you through thick and thin; don't. This is not a guarantee in life. The only person you can count on is; YOU.
What will be an enormous waste of your time and effort will be looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I believe you found your own solution. It's to get your degree ( it's going to pay for your transition) leave the military, transition and move on in your new life.
Hope to see you on this side of the fence. It's worth EVERYTHING you pay for to get here.
Huggs
Catherine
You will never be able to be the happy femail you need to be if you end yourself .You need to stop thinking about the now and start planning the future .As long as You can see an ending no matter how far into the Future You set it .you will have something to live for .So set Yourself some GOALS even if they are small ones at first .You can always expand your goals as and when YOU are ready .Make sure you plan to allow yourself time to be the person YOU know you are inside every now and then ,even 30 mins feeling better inside helps you carry on and continue to work towards your goals .That way even if you set your goals a few years away you know you have something to aim for
Love and Hugs
Anita Brown
Why not start taking testosterone blockers now? it'll help you a lot in the future.
The thing is, You have nothing to lose, so give transitioning a go, it can only get better from then on. Don't over-think this whole process, just get on with it.
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 17, 2014, 05:54:24 AM
Hi Riven,
I know life can really suck some times.
Probably not what you wanted to hear right now. But you're right. You have the solution.
Getting a degree is not a waste of time, irrespective of who pays for it. All the better for you if Uncle Sam pays for it.
If you're intelligent enough to get a degree, you're intelligent enough to plan a transition that won't be unsatisfactory.
And yes. Some people that you expect to stand by you through thick and thin; don't. This is not a guarantee in life. The only person you can count on is; YOU.
What will be an enormous waste of your time and effort will be looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I believe you found your own solution. It's to get your degree ( it's going to pay for your transition) leave the military, transition and move on in your new life.
Hope to see you on this side of the fence. It's worth EVERYTHING you pay for to get here.
Huggs
Catherine
You're right, that's not what I wanted to hear at all. If I make it through this deployment i'm going to hand my mother and my entire family the ultimatum, they can get behind me on this or stay the hell out of my way on it, I don't believe a parent has any right to turn their back on their child or for even one moment second guess their children when the child believes they have a serious problem. I love my mother, but the insult she has given me for all these years is very clear even if it was out of love, and her continuing denial of the problem is going to end our relationship. I have a very strong feeling that my next trip to Florida on leave to see my family will be my last one. Here's the way I see it, the way this country is I don't owe it a single tear, I'm not just ending this problem, I'm ending every problem I've had or ever will have before some one else hands me it. You're right I've created a fair plan but why should I be forced to delay my right as a human to pursue happiness because some dumb brass wearing monkey in a suit doesn't agree with it?
Quote from: anita.brown on February 17, 2014, 06:03:42 AM
You will never be able to be the happy femail you need to be if you end yourself .You need to stop thinking about the now and start planning the future .As long as You can see an ending no matter how far into the Future You set it .you will have something to live for .So set Yourself some GOALS even if they are small ones at first .You can always expand your goals as and when YOU are ready .Make sure you plan to allow yourself time to be the person YOU know you are inside every now and then ,even 30 mins feeling better inside helps you carry on and continue to work towards your goals .That way even if you set your goals a few years away you know you have something to aim for
Love and Hugs
Anita Brown
Quote from: crowcrow223 on February 17, 2014, 06:21:53 AM
Why not start taking testosterone blockers now? it'll help you a lot in the future.
The thing is, You have nothing to lose, so give transitioning a go, it can only get better from then on. Don't over-think this whole process, just get on with it.
My life is owned by the military unless they don't think i'm worth anything to them anymore. What meaningful goals can I set while I'm in the military that are small enough for the military to not notice? We're randomly drug tested and taking anything not prescribed to me by a military doctor is against the UCMJ. I don't want to wait years for testosterone to literally destroy my body, also I'm deployed so just dressing like I feel I should is impossible with my complete lack of privacy, and I'll tell you, it's tough because the Koreans make some really cute stuff. Like I said earlier, the USAF isn't making this easy for me and I'd rather make a martyr of myself than smile while i'm getting screwed.
You really need to talk to a professional in the USAF. I did a couple times while I was in. They are for the most part a good bunch of people. It really can't hurt at this point and could really help a lot.
Quote from: robin s on February 17, 2014, 07:46:32 AM
You really need to talk to a professional in the USAF. I did a couple times while I was in. They are for the most part a good bunch of people. It really can't hurt at this point and could really help a lot.
Riven, I think Robin's on to something. Talk to someone in the military and see if you can find help. And if they throw you out? Find whatever job you can in the civilian sector, start your transition, and
Go to college anyway! Just get student loans and grants and go for it.
Quote from: robin s on February 17, 2014, 07:46:32 AM
You really need to talk to a professional in the USAF. I did a couple times while I was in. They are for the most part a good bunch of people. It really can't hurt at this point and could really help a lot.
Quote from: Amy The Bookworm on February 17, 2014, 07:51:24 AM
Riven, I think Robin's on to something. Talk to someone in the military and see if you can find help. And if they throw you out? Find whatever job you can in the civilian sector, start your transition, and Go to college anyway! Just get student loans and grants and go for it.
I'm pretty sure there isn't anybody on this peninsula for me to speak to about my problem. I agree though, it's a solid idea. If I make it back alive, I'll make a point to speak to my supervision to stop deploying me every 6 months so I can regularly enjoy therapy.
There is always someone. Military chaplains are , I believe, also trained a bit in counseling. I have also talked to them and I am wiccan. they are great people.
, also I'm deployed so just dressing like I feel I should is impossible with my complete lack of privacy,
Difficult as it is I managed to have time to Dress whilst I was in the British ARMY the trick is to get involved with some activity that gives you time alone in a secluded location .My stratagy was to do a course as camp Projectionist so had a cinema to myself and a store that I could keep my girl clothes in .It was the only way i got through my military service .I believe that the US army do allow you more leasure time than We ever got in the British army .So look out for your opertunities they are out there
Anita Brown
Hi Riven. I hate to hear you're having such a hard time. You are right, the military pretty much owns you until your contracted time is up. It is a bitch I know, four years in the Army myself. No alone time or very little of it, can't do the little things like having long hair or hairless legs to make yourself somewhat more comfortable in your own skin, because someone will always notice. Constant inspections blow. So you really can't hide anything such as clothing, makeup, wig and jewelry.
I don't know how much time you have left in but use it to get your degree or other things. Look to transitioning as something to look forward to down the road. If it is too hard then definitely find someone to talk to or try to get out early. Even though it may seem like a good idea and a form of escape, ending your own life is never a solution. If there is nothing after this life, like someone else said, you'll never become the woman you want to be. There are ways to get out without a Dishonorable Discharge. Just hang in there.
(I KNOW IT'S LONG BUT PLEASE READ) I just got back from my deployment three days ago, I feel like I am kind of in your same situation. I have three years left in the Air Force, so if I transition when I get out I will be 27 years old and that is too old for me. I do know that I am unhappy in the Air Force and I know what I have to do. I generally thought that getting out of the Air Force early was the wrong thing to do because of the college benefits.. If I come out to do mental health as transgender I will lose my G.I. Bill, that is what was holding me back... But you know what, I can take out student loans to go to college. Tons of people do it, it's an investment in yourself. If your college leads to a good job (pick a realistic career) then boom you'll be able to pay it off faster. They are all low interest and you don't have to pay while you go to school, only after you graduate. If that is all that is holding you back then just consider it. Free college paid by uncle sam is not worth a rapid decline in my mental health, and having to wait three whole years to start hormones and transition. Dont let the airforce hold you back from happiness. Oh yeah, and save every f***ing penny you have to make regaining employment easier. PM me if you want to talk.
<br>
Ps: after my wife gets the okay to change duty stations I'm going to go to mental health and terminate my contract. (USAF gives you general/admin discharge) Ill lose GI bill but I'll still have va benefits so cheap hormones and free therapy!!
Edited for profanity.
You asked what to do?
There are several themes in you post.
Anger of you Mom, Anger of the USAF, helplessness, being trapped and no way out. The major issue is untreated Gender dysphoria and not doing anything.
I have dealt and deal with suicidal thoughts. The reason I get suicidal was and is the above ( I a not in the military).
A few questions. Do you think your GD will go away, get worse or stay the same. Can you live 4 years as you are?
Get help from a gender therapist. If you have to leave the military you have an option. Transition and be yourself.
Why not come out as transgender and get kicked out of the Air Force? Then you'll get to transition. That's a much, much, MUCH better option than dying. Out of the Air Force? Start your transition? That sounds like a win-win scenario to me!
I was USAF for a short while. I went in as a purging attempt (in hindsight). It was a bad idea and ultimately I started feeling suicidal and BAS'd out middle of BMT. It hardly compares to what you're going through, but it does get better. Start by talking to a chaplain or even a psychiatrist in mental health. They can't share what you tell them, and are an excellent support. If you do leave or receive a discharge, It's not the end of the world. I promise even if you don't get the degree.
After coming home I quickly found a job. While I'm not out at work yet & probably won't be until i can't hide my physical changes any longer, being in a comfortable environment (being at home, in public, etc.) where I can be me has changed everything. There really is hope.
Wow, thanks for the support everybody. A lot of this is helping, really. I want to leave so badly and get it over with, I'm just scared of the uncertainty surrounding my financial future which will definitely be more rocky if I do jump ship so to speak. I want to wait until I at least have my associates which is only a few more classes, but most importantly I want my mother who is my best friend to back me on it. I don't believe it will just go away. I've known I wasn't happy as a boy for a very long time but it took until I was about 14 to finally put it into coherent thoughts in my head. Precious years wasted because I didn't understand what I was going through. I'm just so tired.. I'm tired of lying to everybody who loves me, crying because its the only thing I can do that makes sense when im trapped in m own body. Part of my knows suicide is a disgusting and horrifying thought, but living unhappily jailed in my own body is even worse in my mind. The last time I spoke to a chaplain about this she had zero information to offer me. I don't know how many chaplains are versed in this considering their proffesion doesn't allow it.
Testosterone blockers like spironolactone don't come up on drug tests - trust me, I was drug tested at work and I was clean.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! I am not from US so I can't suggest an alternative education path but the lovely ladies who posted in here seem to have had a lot of experience so good luck!
Quote from: crowcrow223 on February 18, 2014, 02:44:30 AM
Testosterone blockers like spironolactone don't come up on drug tests - trust me, I was drug tested at work and I was clean.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! I am not from US so I can't suggest an alternative education path but the lovely ladies who posted in here seem to have had a lot of experience so good luck!
And how does someone come across this? Can I just pick it off the shelf?
No, it's not OTC. There are different types of drug tests; I wouldn't risk it if there's any chance of it showing up whatsoever. Being court martialed for wrongful drug use is no small thing. Also, spiro's anti-androgenic properties aren't it's main function, it's for mainly proscribed for individuals with high blood pressure. If you take it, your blood pressure will most likely drop a bit. You may also get lightheaded or dizzy when active (especially when you are first getting use to it).
If you have higher than normal blood pressure you may try seeing if you can get a prescription. You could also try getting a prescription for finasteride for Male Pattern Baldness. It might be worth a shot.
Hang in there!
I don't think any of that applies to me honestly. I wonder if I spoke to an understanding therapist if they could possibly prescribe me what I needed. It's risky but necessary.
Quote from: Riven on February 17, 2014, 05:23:21 AM
So unfortunately because I like to think about my problems until I come up with a solution or a reasonable compromise, I have reached the conclusion that if I don't transition I will forever be unhappy and will more than likely end up kill myself, or the alternative I wait for my degree while serving, out myself as Transgender, begin my transition and because I wasted so much time in a military that unknowingly hates me come up with unsatisfactory and irreversible results and again kill myself. The thing is this isn't a 'I can't deal with the pain of living so I'm going to end it' sort of suicide, It's more of a logical 'Why waste my time in this life, time to move onto the next' kind. I don't really WANT to kill myself because it would devastate my family and I KNOW my mother wont be able to handle it, but in the end she's the one who has more or less stolen the precious years of my life from me because when her son who never comes to her with problems finally has one that leads him crying into her room to explain he doesn't want to be a boy anymore, and she 'Just doesn't see it'. God I'm so angry over this I'm literally thinking about coming out tomorrow and getting that ticket home so the USAF can kick me out and I can get on with this meaningless existence and the inevitable pressing of the Skip-My-Life-Button. Jesus, what the hell do I do?
How much time do you have remaining on your enlistment?
Quote from: Jamie de la Rosa on February 19, 2014, 01:18:51 AM
How much time do you have remaining on your enlistment?
about 3 years, which will put me at 24 years old. Too long for me to wait.
Quote from: Riven on February 19, 2014, 01:28:15 AM
about 3 years, which will put me at 24 years old. Too long for me to wait.
Well, declaring you are trans may, or may not, get you discharged. I know of some cases where they turned a blind eye to the situation because the transperson was highly trained and essential to the functioning of the unit.
I am not sure if military psychologists or counselors are bound by doctor-patient privilege. We have several other active duty personnel on the site. I can put you in touch with them, if you wish.
Just don't do anything drastic quite yet. There are always better solutions than suicide. Trust me on that one.
Any doctor / counselor employed by the Military is unfortunately required to report anything that would result in the patient being unable to serve and the reg that keeps transgenders says it would render me 'unable to perform my duties'. This doesn't extend to Chaplains however who have 100% confidentiality the backside of that coin is that they is literally nothing they can do other than sit and nod.
Here's my experience with coming out while in the Navy:
Ultimately, I got discharged for it. I said I wanted to finish my 2 years left before I transitioned, I just wanted to get ready for it before my contract ended. The therapist said she was bound to recommend my discharge. She said that beyond it being regulation (NAVMED P-117, article 15-58), that it would be best for me to stop hiding anyway. However, before she wrote the recommendation for discharge, she put me on limited duty for six months for "depression." She said she was doing that so I had time to process everything and save money before I went home. And while she was completely supportive and did a lot of homework on the issue because of me, she also got it approved for me to see a civilian therapist who had experience with trans clients as I was her first one. About four months later I told her I was ready to move on and she wrote a recommendation to my command for my discharge due to a gender identity disorder diagnosis in accordance with NAVMILPERSMAN 1910-120 and DODINST 1332.14 enclosure 3, 3(8)(b)
I was then contacted by the command's personnel office and they asked me to request to separate as it would make it much quicker for me if my separation was voluntary instead of involuntary. I consulted Navy Legal to make sure they weren't trying to screw me by making it voluntary and I was told they were not, and then I spent days in military manuals and instructions to confirm that. I then wrote the request to separate to the CO and made it clear in the remarks that I did not really want this nor did I think the diagnosis inhibited my ability to be a sailor in the slightest, but I had come to accept that this would be easiest for both parties. Four days later the CO granted my request and gave me an honorable discharge.
I was treated with respect by everyone who found out. A nurse who is an O-3 in the Army is the one who convinced me to stop repressing everything and embrace my true self. The Navy therapist I had was also an O-3 and like I said, though she was a bit inexperienced on the subject, put in a lot of effort to support me. Every time I saw her I could tell she spent a lot of time between sessions getting caught up on it and I actually liked her a lot more than the civilian I saw. The security manager (E-7) who I had to disclose to in order to try and keep my security clearance back when I thought I had a chance at staying in was nothing but supportive. While I never spoke in person with the CO, he did give me the honorable, and the one that I actually had face-to-face contact with was a salty old E-9, and he had very kind words for me.
I know that it's likely different between the services. Especially considering I was on a large base with a lot of mental health resources. I have no idea what the USAF equivalent of the manuals and instructions I was discharged under are, but if you think it would be any help I could email some of the letters and forms I have.
Quote from: Jamie de la Rosa on February 19, 2014, 01:34:18 AM
Well, declaring you are trans may, or may not, get you discharged. I know of some cases where they turned a blind eye to the situation because the transperson was highly trained and essential to the functioning of the unit.
I am not sure if military psychologists or counselors are bound by doctor-patient privilege. We have several other active duty personnel on the site. I can put you in touch with them, if you wish.
Just don't do anything drastic quite yet. There are always better solutions than suicide. Trust me on that one.
WILL get me discharged.
Quote from: skin on February 19, 2014, 02:13:30 AM
Here's my experience with coming out while in the Navy:
Ultimately, I got discharged for it. I said I wanted to finish my 2 years left before I transitioned, I just wanted to get ready for it before my contract ended. The therapist said she was bound to recommend my discharge. She said that beyond it being regulation (NAVMED P-117, article 15-58), that it would be best for me to stop hiding anyway. However, before she wrote the recommendation for discharge, she put me on limited duty for six months for "depression." She said she was doing that so I had time to process everything and save money before I went home. And while she was completely supportive and did a lot of homework on the issue because of me, she also got it approved for me to see a civilian therapist who had experience with trans clients as I was her first one. About four months later I told her I was ready to move on and she wrote a recommendation to my command for my discharge due to a gender identity disorder diagnosis in accordance with NAVMILPERSMAN 1910-120 and DODINST 1332.14 enclosure 3, 3(8)(b)
I was then contacted by the command's personnel office and they asked me to request to separate as it would make it much quicker for me if my separation was voluntary instead of involuntary. I consulted Navy Legal to make sure they weren't trying to screw me by making it voluntary and I was told they were not, and then I spent days in military manuals and instructions to confirm that. I then wrote the request to separate to the CO and made it clear in the remarks that I did not really want this nor did I think the diagnosis inhibited my ability to be a sailor in the slightest, but I had come to accept that this would be easiest for both parties. Four days later the CO granted my request and gave me an honorable discharge.
I was treated with respect by everyone who found out. A nurse who is an O-3 in the Army is the one who convinced me to stop repressing everything and embrace my true self. The Navy therapist I had was also an O-3 and like I said, though she was a bit inexperienced on the subject, put in a lot of effort to support me. Every time I saw her I could tell she spent a lot of time between sessions getting caught up on it and I actually liked her a lot more than the civilian I saw. The security manager (E-7) who I had to disclose to in order to try and keep my security clearance back when I thought I had a chance at staying in was nothing but supportive. While I never spoke in person with the CO, he did give me the honorable, and the one that I actually had face-to-face contact with was a salty old E-9, and he had very kind words for me.
I know that it's likely different between the services. Especially considering I was on a large base with a lot of mental health resources. I have no idea what the USAF equivalent of the manuals and instructions I was discharged under are, but if you think it would be any help I could email some of the letters and forms I have.
Same for the USAF, the only difference is my CO will laugh himself silly at my request for an honorable discharge.
Don't take me the wrong way Riven and I know how looong time seems when you are young but 24 is still young. 3 years is not that long of a time even though it may seem so but you are 21 now. You have plenty of time to transition. If I were in your position I would find a therapist off post, therapy is really not that expensive ( around 80 to 100 dollars per session) and search your feelings with the therapist. Also a therapist can refer you to a psychiatrist that can prescribe medication. Both a therapist and Psychiatrist off post shouldn't be able to share information with the military unless they are contracted to the military. So make sure you ask them about that first off.
As for urinalysis, there is a five point and a ten point. Five point checks for the normal stuff like opiates, THC, narcotics and amphetamines. A ten point checks for a whole lot more such as benzos like Xanax and other things that I really can't remember. I'm not sure which one the military does but don't take any chances. Make sure that whatever you take you have a prescription for.
If you are in mental distress and suffering from anxiety due to GID go to the military mental health department but just use the excuse of anxiety and depression and leave out the GID issues. They may prescribe you something to at least get you through the next three years and you will have a prescription for it and in no way can they bust you on that. If you actually feel suicidal, by all means mention it. But if you are just blowing off steam and not actually considering it don't mention it because they can commit you involuntarily into the hospital for that. But again if you are actually feeling suicidal definitely tell them, we don't need to lose anymore sisters or brothers because of society's stupidity, by their own hand or someone else's.
I have been where you are now hon, and believe me you can make it through. Like I said in an earlier post look at transitioning as something to look forward to. Use this time to search yourself internally and make sure it is something that you want. Fantasize about who you will be when the three years are over. Use this time to hone that personality, in private start voice conditioning, practice walking, talking and female mannerisms and so on. I know this sounds a little crazy but use this time to get to know Riven and what Riven wants when Riven can be herself instead of the shell she is in now. At 24 you will still have a lifetime ahead of you and don't deprive yourself of that.
Why would you want to be part of an organization who actively dislikes you for who you are? All you have to do is tell them, and you're free. Then you get to live your dreams.
Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on February 19, 2014, 10:33:16 AM
Why would you want to be part of an organization who actively dislikes you for who you are? All you have to do is tell them, and you're free. Then you get to live your dreams.
It's not that easy. If I would have been given a general discharge instead of honorable, things would be really tough. Right now i am living of my gi bill which I could not have gotten with a general. I also had to pay back my enlistment bonus which wiped out my savings. Transitioning is expensive and having the freedom to be yourself doesn't mean much if you can't afford to.
Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on February 19, 2014, 10:33:16 AM
Why would you want to be part of an organization who actively dislikes you for who you are? All you have to do is tell them, and you're free. Then you get to live your dreams.
The main reason for me was fooling myself. Macho soldier and all that stuff. It lasted for about 6 mos. until I figured out it didn't change me one little bit. The macho man wasn't really there as much as the scared little girl that knew she made a mistake and had to go through another 3 1/2 years suppressing who I am.
Quote from: skin on February 19, 2014, 10:58:18 AM
It's not that easy. If I would have been given a general discharge instead of honorable, things would be really tough. Right now i am living of my gi bill which I could not have gotten with a general. I also had to pay back my enlistment bonus which wiped out my savings. Transitioning is expensive and having the freedom to be yourself doesn't mean much if you can't afford to.
Exactly. It is way harder to find a job with a general discharge or a lot of questions from potential employers. An honorable discharge on the other hand, perspective employers goes a long way. As for the enlistment bonus I would have been in the same boat ' cause at twenty someodd I spent every last dime before it had time to sit in the bank long enough to draw any interest.
Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on February 19, 2014, 10:33:16 AM
Why would you want to be part of an organization who actively dislikes you for who you are? All you have to do is tell them, and you're free. Then you get to live your dreams.
Quote from: skin on February 19, 2014, 10:58:18 AM
It's not that easy. If I would have been given a general discharge instead of honorable, things would be really tough. Right now i am living of my gi bill which I could not have gotten with a general. I also had to pay back my enlistment bonus which wiped out my savings. Transitioning is expensive and having the freedom to be yourself doesn't mean much if you can't afford to.
Quote from: Jess42 on February 19, 2014, 12:22:37 PM
The main reason for me was fooling myself. Macho soldier and all that stuff. It lasted for about 6 mos. until I figured out it didn't change me one little bit. The macho man wasn't really there as much as the scared little girl that knew she made a mistake and had to go through another 3 1/2 years suppressing who I am.
Exactly. It is way harder to find a job with a general discharge or a lot of questions from potential employers. An honorable discharge on the other hand, perspective employers goes a long way. As for the enlistment bonus I would have been in the same boat ' cause at twenty someodd I spent every last dime before it had time to sit in the bank long enough to draw any interest.
Like they said, service with no GI bill at the end of it is essentially worthless unless you're a lifer. I just feel trapped in this stupid job and I'm the one who smiled like an idiot and signed the stupid paper. I don't understand why the USA is so behind on this whole military inclusion thing, I don't care if they don't want to pay for the big surgery but at least let me live openly and seek the help I need.
You never know what the next day might bring. Have hope. I think the world is a better place with you in it.
Quote from: Jamie de la Rosa on February 20, 2014, 02:17:29 AM
I think the world is a better place with you in it.
This! This! This!
Yes! Thank you! More people need to hear this, because it's true.
Quote from: Riven on February 20, 2014, 02:09:17 AM
Like they said, service with no GI bill at the end of it is essentially worthless unless you're a lifer. I just feel trapped in this stupid job and I'm the one who smiled like an idiot and signed the stupid paper. I don't understand why the USA is so behind on this whole military inclusion thing, I don't care if they don't want to pay for the big surgery but at least let me live openly and seek the help I need.
Because the military is fully controlled by the government itself. There are no representatives of military people that advocate self expression and freedom to be who we are like the US Postal System Federal employees, and state employees. Yes gays can now serve openly but we got left out of the mix and until we have a trans movement in Hollywood much like the gays coming out and forcing Hollywood and therefore the rest of the country to take them seriously, we on the other hand seem to be fighting a losing battle. The old bathroom debate and rooming with cisgenders and all the mental problems that seem to accompany us and the list goes on. By the way the same crap that causes us mental distress is the same crap that the military uses against us, one big circle. Regardless I don't believe the military will ever change its stance on transgenders until we are accepted socially as a true gender variation. Until we are portrayed in a good positive light in movies and shows and people come to the realization that we are not sexual deviants or the equivalent of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs ( I hated that freakin' movie ) then we may be socially accepted and therefor serve openly as ourselves in the military.
As an afterthought, I wonder just how many of us have given our lives throughout the years and wars so that society can be free without that same society knowing that these brave souls were trans? No matter spiritual beliefs I truly hope they are in spirit who they truly are now or in the case of atheism and other beliefs of non afterlife, that their last moments truly felt who they were without the bondage of physical gender. Regardless, thinking about this last paragraph that I wrote and I do think about it quite a bit, brings tears to my eyes.
I appreciate all the love and sentiment, but I just don't see any real hope for myself on this. Sure I can practice the walk and talk for three years, but then where does that get me? my bone structure and voice will be way beyond repair. I should have stayed true to my course when I first felt this instead of joining the military. but on the other hand, my mother would never allow me to take estrogen under her roof and I didn't have any means of making it to college OR paying for what I needed. If our military could just stop being so proud for just a while and look at other countries to maybe validate ourselves I wouldn't be stuck in this stupid predicament. I could be happily transitioning and never know what it feels like to have suicidal thoughts. I'm disappointed and angry to the point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I can leave now and hope to god my future employer doesn't know anything about the military or I can stay in and let me body mindlessly destroy itself for the next three years until I'm out and decide it's not worth the attempt and waste all that time anyways. It is so tempting to just do it, and show my mother and the military the pain they're going to cause a family because of their own proud ignorance.
It wouldn't show them anything of the sort. Stay strong, you can do just as well in 3 years.
Choices,
A) stay the course and get your degree and a job then $35,000 later FFS and vocal folds.
B) leave the military get a job and transition. Probably need $35,000 to fix your face and vocal folds.
Suicide for me is something I have chosen not to do since I was 11 (now 51). I think of it every day as one of 3 choices:
1) drugs, alcohol, smoking and food addiction, risky sexual behavior and risky car events. I was close to killing myself through these activities,
2) eating super healthy, maintaining my weight, being straight edge, dealing with fear and hiding and HRT and becoming me.
3) suicide outright.
I have done #1 and #2 and it is tuff for me to stay away from #1. I love #2. #3 I have had the plan since 11 and been close quite a few times. From a lifetime of these 3 choices I can share with you that #2 is fantastic and so much so that the more I go the further I am from 1 & 3.
So my dear, you have choices. The choices are difficult and require you to expose yourself, commit and actively do something to better yourself. Make a plan, Suicide is not the only option and #2 is a fantastic journey in self actualization, HUGS.
Hi Riven,
I feel your pain. As do
many others here. Never underestimate that.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AM
I appreciate all the love and sentiment, but I just don't see any real hope for myself on this.
Thank you. And there's a lot of love and support here for you. If you can't see the hope, that's fine. There are plenty of people here who can see it or you. We've all done it, in our own individual way.
Borrow our belief in you until you can see it.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AM
Sure I can practice the walk and talk for three years, but then where does that get me? my bone structure and voice will be way beyond repair.
Being a woman is more than just voice and bone structure. It takes tenacity, guts and integrity to be a woman, in a man's world, whether you're in the services or not. If you can "practice the walk and talk for three years", that proves you've got what it takes. It's only three years. There's many here that would glady swap. Some here don't have the hope of being free in three years, yet they persevere. Just do it.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AM
It is so tempting to just do it, and show my mother and the military the pain they're going to cause a family because of their own proud ignorance.
Sadly there is no guarentee that will happen. There a really good chance, they won't see it that way. Therefore wouldn't this permanent solution to a temporary matter be just a waste?
You have family here. You chose to be loved by us. Hang in there. You
can do this.
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AM
I appreciate all the love and sentiment, but I just don't see any real hope for myself on this. Sure I can practice the walk and talk for three years, but then where does that get me? my bone structure and voice will be way beyond repair. I should have stayed true to my course when I first felt this instead of joining the military. but on the other hand, my mother would never allow me to take estrogen under her roof and I didn't have any means of making it to college OR paying for what I needed. If our military could just stop being so proud for just a while and look at other countries to maybe validate ourselves I wouldn't be stuck in this stupid predicament. I could be happily transitioning and never know what it feels like to have suicidal thoughts. I'm disappointed and angry to the point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I can leave now and hope to god my future employer doesn't know anything about the military or I can stay in and let me body mindlessly destroy itself for the next three years until I'm out and decide it's not worth the attempt and waste all that time anyways. It is so tempting to just do it, and show my mother and the military the pain they're going to cause a family because of their own proud ignorance.
Hon, I know exactly how you feel and like I said earlier, three years is not that long even though it may seem so at such a young age. The little girl inside me thought the same thing with about the same amount of time you have left. The woman inside though figured out that if I took that course of action, Jessica would never get to be. What I suggested to you is what I did even though I am not on the same transition path. There are plenty who have made it through the same circumstances and please don't be a fallen sister due to lack of patience. At twenty four it won't be too late. Oh God how I wish I could be 24 again or even 30. Never consider suicide to spite anyone or anything. In the end life still goes on and all you'll be doing is hurting people that love you (family) even if it seems they can't accept you or become another suicidal statistic to an entity that could care less and won't change anything it is doing now. But the main thing is that you would be denying yourself to the life you deserve when the three years is up. And don't forget about your family here and how much it would hurt us to lose you.
Like Catherine Sarah said, you have family here. There are many of us here that went through the same hell you are going through and made it through the other side. In my opinion we are an elite group, all transgenders whether serving, have served or not. We face things that other's don't even give a second thought to. We know who we are inside when, in my opinion only, others in society haven't a clue who they are. It takes real courage, not false bravado, to proclaim to be transgendered so please hon, use that same courage to make it whether you stay the three years or get out early. We really need all of us in order to change society and if missing even one takes away from our numbers but more importantly we lose a loving sister (or brother) who is indeed loved like family by the rest of the community.
If it really gets bad, forget the GI bill and a general discharge is better than a dishonorable and save yourself.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AM
my bone structure and voice will be way beyond repair.
Riven I started transition at 47 years old after a 28 year career as a Paramedic/Firefighter. I had the build of a M1A1 when my career ended due to injuries in the line. I have had a great time and pass well in public since going full time January 1st. You can transition and be very successful and look great, especially at your age. I had to live with Dysphoria for 40 years and know how it effects you every single day. I could have and almost did end my life at one point. I am so glad I did not because I never would have had the joy and sense of happiness I do now. Please look forward to a life of happiness and not the conclusion of it, please. :)
OK Riven, I am going to be VERY direct here and you might not like it, but there are things you need to hear and they cannot be said kindly
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AM
I appreciate all the love and sentiment, but I just don't see any real hope for myself on this.
You are stuck at the minute. To a certain extent you are wallowing in self-pity and it is understanable why. You cannot see the path clear, but there is one.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMSure I can practice the walk and talk for three years, but then where does that get me?
It gets you in a MUCH better position to transition. Transition takes money and time. You should be viewing the next three years as an investment in your transition. You can even start it now by getting laser treatment for bristles and body hair - they cannot toss you out of the military for that and it takes YEARS.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMmy bone structure and voice will be way beyond repair.
Complete rubbish. Your voice and bone structure are already set and a few more years will make VERY little difference. Voice training will take care of your voice whatever age you are.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMI should have stayed true to my course when I first felt this instead of joining the military. but on the other hand, my mother would never allow me to take estrogen under her roof and I didn't have any means of making it to college OR paying for what I needed.
Well then, stop dwelling on it. You cannot change the past but brooding on "What if...what if..." will give you depression or black moods or lassitude and then you will have another problem to deal with.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMIf our military could just stop being so proud for just a while and look at other countries to maybe validate ourselves I wouldn't be stuck in this stupid predicament. I could be happily transitioning and never know what it feels like to have suicidal thoughts.
This is not your battle. Your battle is start your transition now. Start laser treatment, see CIVILIAN therapists when on leave and work towards a successful discharge so that you get all the medical and financial benefits that will make your transition better.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMI'm disappointed and angry to the point where I don't want to deal with it anymore.
That will not work. You MUST deal with it.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMI can leave now and hope to god my future employer doesn't know anything about the military
Wishes are not reality. Hope is not a plan. Do not make the mistake of confusing them or they will really screw up your life.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMor I can stay in and let me body mindlessly destroy itself for the next three years
Stop believing that. It is total cr*p and there is no other way to put it. You are WAY past puberty. Three years will make little difference and people transition well in their 30s, 40 and 50s and if you look on this site you will see that. There are plenty of nay-sayers who will jump up and down and scream
"No! It is too late!! You need to have transitioned at 14". Pay them no heed.
If you leave now and lack the resources to transition well, then you will do yourself more damage than another three years of T.
Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMuntil I'm out and decide it's not worth the attempt and waste all that time anyways. It is so tempting to just do it, and show my mother and the military the pain they're going to cause a family because of their own proud ignorance.
What about your proud ignorance? Do you really think that standing there in front of them flaunting some victimhood will make a difference? The military will be glad to be rid of you because they do not want any trans people and your family will just think you are mad.
You need to take control here. You need to drive this forward and stop caring about what others think. Transition is for YOU and you can start it today in preparation for the full commencement in three years. Start laser on your body hair. Start saving for SRS / FFS. Get your benefits and your education. Take something like Finasteride as an anti-androgen. It is a common drug against hair loss and even the military cannot complain about that.
You can start now. But only you can start it.
Thanks for all the kind words, I'm feeling a bit better. Looking at it through clearer eyes makes it easy to see suicide doesn't benefit anybody and even the colonel that has to deal with the paperwork couldn't care less. I think the key to my survival to is get more friends and family behind me as a physical support. If I can just focus on my Education and being me on my time I think I'll get through this. I'm angry and I'm upset but I'll use it as fuel to get through this and I'll feel much better in the end I think. I just need a good physical group of people who I can look in the eye and tell what's going on in my mind. I love you all, but there's only so much words on a screen can do to calm me down. Thanks for keeping me here.
I was recently hospitalized for attempting suicide. And the best advice given tovme has been why would you want to end your life before you get to be who you want to be.
Stay with us be latient everything will work out.
Quote from: Riven on February 24, 2014, 12:45:21 AM
I love you all, but there's only so much words on a screen can do to calm me down.
That's very true.