Disclaimer: This really isn't a whiny or drama post more than a "I don't understand what's going on", "can you relate", and "how to move forward" sort of post. I'm just confused and wondering if others have gone through something similar in their transition. Maybe it's a right of passage or something. I'm trying to learn and adjust to my new circumstances and need the wisdom of those that have been there and done that. Thanks.
I don't know what's been going on lately, but it seems that everyone I talk to or ask is telling me I pass as female. I used to just write these things off as "oh, they are being nice" or "oh, they are giving me hope", but it's been happening way to frequently for me to consider that's always the case. Not just with the people on here, but friends, acquaintances and even some of my family - the same ones that would tell me often that I could never pass no matter what I do- are telling me that I look female already or that I can and will pass. Some are even telling me that I'm pretty which I find really hard to accept. And even more bizarre is that I haven't been told by anyone within the last month that I don't or can't pass. Not even one person. This is all very confusing to me because I'm still seeing a boy when I look into the mirror, for the most part. I stare at all my flaws that are so obvious to me and they out me in a second. How are others not seeing what's painfully obvious to me? While I admit that I'm much different looking and that I'm fem, I can't see a girl at all or even most times staring back at me. Sure, when I put on makeup, I feel that I pass alright. Yet, when I look at my bare face, I still see "him" and I don't want that. It's causing a whole lot of distress for me because I'm wondering if "he'll" ever be gone. What if I always see a boy in my face? How can I handle that? Will I always have gender dysphoria? While I understand there may be an adjustment period, I really hope that I CAN adjust.
Even more odd is the fact that I am still living as an andro boy and it seems to be going okay. Yes, I confuse people often and there are those who seem to know what's going, but most people are really nice regardless of my appearance and "gay" (sorry best word I could think of for how I may be percieved) mannerisms. Because there is nothing overtly hostile going on, I would imagine that I'm playing a convincing male to mostly everyone, right? That's what I had hoped, but now that everyone has been telling me that I pass as female, I'm afraid that everyone knows already that I'm trans. My sister was honest and told me that there is no way people wouldn't know about my transition because I look like a girl. So maybe more people have wised up to it than I realize. Perhaps I'm the only one that refuses to face the reality that I've changed in my appearance? Maybe everyone does know? I'm not going to lie, it's a bit of a frightening thought. Yeah, I've come out to enough people, but to do it to the entire world is a bit harder. Yet, if I continue going out in boymode and is that what I am doing? If I am being seen as female while out as a boy, doesn't it make sense to stop pretending to be a boy. But at the same time, I don't feel ready to go full time because I'm not there appearance wise and still can't pass to myself. You know what I mean? Anyone face these conflicting feelings at a similar stage to what I'm going through? Like not knowing when' the right time to take the next step?
That's not to say any of these feelings are odd because I'm sure these are actually common concerns and a phase many have gone through; however, it is starting to get distressing to me and I really don't want to see "him" anymore. I want to be able to see a girl in my facce at all times. The goal was to achieve male fail and secure the ability to pass. It seems I've succeeded (at least to some degree, lol) in the eyes of others but not myself. Now I'm left with wondering how to reach that point so that I can see it and give myself the confidence that I need to finally "complete? my transition. I suspect some will say you need to just go full time and it will come in time, but I feel this is bit of a catch 22. If I can't see my physical appearance as a passable female prior to full time, how am I to have the confidence to initiate it? Granted, I have some time before full time is possible, simply because some real financial restraints holding me back (though my pending position will be re-appealed for approval at the end of March and I've been applying to new positions and got a call today about some temp work with my old job), so I still have a breathing period to find that inner stregth in advance while I sort out my financial problems. Though, I really don't know how much longer I can hide or delay this. In any case, I'd like to find a way to overcome these feelings, so that I can feel more comfortable to step forward. Does anyone have any suggestions? Any tips? Any advice? And does this story ring true for other women here that can share their experience with overcoming it? I guess I'd be happy if anyone can relate with my feelings and tell me how they handled this awkward part of their transition.
By the way, just so everyone knows, I'm going to stop being a total chicken. I'm working up my courage to stop being so afraid of everything and finally feel able to start being me soon enough. And I've been doing some shopping and getting more clothes so I can feel more comfortable about going out as me on a part time basis. I'm learning more about what works on me and what doesn't. Plus, I've decided to make some outings as the real me very soon. I just still don't feel totally confident about going full time yet and will likely wait till June, but this is progress for a person like me. Yes, I'm a fraidy cat and am taking my time, but I've made soo much progress and am just a few months short of living the rest of my life as the real me at 25 years of age. Exciting, but very scary; although it's increasingly becoming more exciting as I progress and up my confidence levels.
And while some have already given their honest opinions, I'd really like others that haven't already shared with me to give me their honest opinion of whether I can pass at this stage of where I am (here are some photo https://www.flickr.com/photos/118627967@N03/) I'm still a big work in progress and these photos of me are without makeup, in boys clothes and looking like a mess, but hell I really want to know what my true passing potential is without making myself dolled up? That's important to me because I need to know if anyone else also sees the beastly man that I see. What do you seriously think? I don't feel I have any ability to pass and feel like it would be a mistake to go out prematurely which is why I strive to perfect myself and wait for the "right moment". Am I really over thinking this and letting fear get to me? Do you really think I'm ready appearance wise? Is this all really just in my head?
Sorry, I'm all over the place, but I'm very scared and feeling so many things all at once. I just don't know how to process or handle it all. It's like I don't know where I am or where I should be at this point. A little lost and afraid about doing things the wrong way to be honest. I just don't want to screw this up. My transition is important to me, but I'm afraid of making a critical mistake while also feeling really sad that I keep delaying the start of the life that I desperately want.
While you live in fear, you build regret.
You will make mistakes. Get used to it. If there is one thing you can count on, it is that. And taxes. Not taxis. You can't count on taxis.
Yes, you can pass fine if you decide to start going for it.
The fact you have so much support should be like rocket fuel for you. Really.
Go out and enjoy it. Take yourself out for a spin and see how you like it.
Hugs x
maybe if you did thinner eye brows the girls face will look back more
You look super cute Learning, you defiantly pass in my book.
As an graphic designer or artist, there is one saying I believe in. "We are our own worse critics." When people say "wow that is really well done". All I see is that looks horrid.
We just have to learn that maybe we are good artist, or in this case we look good and we pass?
Me I don't pass still haven't come out yet or done anything of use so going criticizes my own self here and wonder if I even should be opening my mouth. But I do think your looking well pretty you actually remind me slightly of a girl in my class.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 04, 2014, 05:54:39 PM
I don't know what's been going on lately, but it seems that everyone I talk to or ask is telling me I pass as female. I used to just write these things off as "oh, they are being nice" or "oh, they are giving me hope", but it's been happening way to frequently for me to consider that's always the case. Not just with the people on here, but friends, acquaintances and even some of my family - the same ones that would tell me often that I could never pass no matter what I do- are telling me that I look female already or that I can and will pass. Some are even telling me that I'm pretty which I find really hard to accept. And even more bizarre is that I haven't been told by anyone within the last month that I don't or can't pass. Not even one person. This is all very confusing to me because I'm still seeing a boy when I look into the mirror, for the most part. I stare at all my flaws that are so obvious to me and they out me in a second. How are others not seeing what's painfully obvious to me? While I admit that I'm much different looking and that I'm fem, I can't see a girl at all or even most times staring back at me. Sure, when I put on makeup, I feel that I pass alright. Yet, when I look at my bare face, I still see "him" and I don't want that. It's causing a whole lot of distress for me because I'm wondering if "he'll" ever be gone. What if I always see a boy in my face? How can I handle that? Will I always have gender dysphoria? While I understand there may be an adjustment period, I really hope that I CAN adjust.
Horrifying news flash for you.. I still look in the mirror and see the man, even after being full time for over 2 years.. The thing is, I know I'm the only one who sees him. He's a memory, a trick of the mind..
QuoteEven more odd is the fact that I am still living as an andro boy and it seems to be going okay. Yes, I confuse people often and there are those who seem to know what's going, but most people are really nice regardless of my appearance and "gay" (sorry best word I could think of for how I may be percieved) mannerisms. Because there is nothing overtly hostile going on, I would imagine that I'm playing a convincing male to mostly everyone, right? That's what I had hoped, but now that everyone has been telling me that I pass as female, I'm afraid that everyone knows already that I'm trans. My sister was honest and told me that there is no way people wouldn't know about my transition because I look like a girl. So maybe more people have wised up to it than I realize. Perhaps I'm the only one that refuses to face the reality that I've changed in my appearance? Maybe everyone does know? I'm not going to lie, it's a bit of a frightening thought. Yeah, I've come out to enough people, but to do it to the entire world is a bit harder. Yet, if I continue going out in boymode and is that what I am doing? If I am being seen as female while out as a boy, doesn't it make sense to stop pretending to be a boy. But at the same time, I don't feel ready to go full time because I'm not there appearance wise and still can't pass to myself. You know what I mean? Anyone face these conflicting feelings at a similar stage to what I'm going through? Like not knowing when' the right time to take the next step?
People will know something is going on.. Your appearance alone is a shining neon sign. I thought I made a convincing guy even when I still looked like one - I was wrong, oh so wrong..
QuoteThat's not to say any of these feelings are odd because I'm sure these are actually common concerns and a phase many have gone through; however, it is starting to get distressing to me and I really don't want to see "him" anymore. I want to be able to see a girl in my facce at all times. The goal was to achieve male fail and secure the ability to pass. It seems I've succeeded (at least to some degree, lol) in the eyes of others but not myself. Now I'm left with wondering how to reach that point so that I can see it and give myself the confidence that I need to finally "complete? my transition. I suspect some will say you need to just go full time and it will come in time, but I feel this is bit of a catch 22. If I can't see my physical appearance as a passable female prior to full time, how am I to have the confidence to initiate it? Granted, I have some time before full time is possible, simply because some real financial restraints holding me back (though my pending position will be re-appealed for approval at the end of March and I've been applying to new positions and got a call today about some temp work with my old job), so I still have a breathing period to find that inner stregth in advance while I sort out my financial problems. Though, I really don't know how much longer I can hide or delay this. In any case, I'd like to find a way to overcome these feelings, so that I can feel more comfortable to step forward. Does anyone have any suggestions? Any tips? Any advice? And does this story ring true for other women here that can share their experience with overcoming it? I guess I'd be happy if anyone can relate with my feelings and tell me how they handled this awkward part of their transition.
Confidence? Do what a lot of us do to start with - fake it. Serriously.. As I said, I still see the man in the mirror..
QuoteBy the way, just so everyone knows, I'm going to stop being a total chicken. I'm working up my courage to stop being so afraid of everything and finally feel able to start being me soon enough. And I've been doing some shopping and getting more clothes so I can feel more comfortable about going out as me on a part time basis. I'm learning more about what works on me and what doesn't. Plus, I've decided to make some outings as the real me very soon. I just still don't feel totally confident about going full time yet and will likely wait till June, but this is progress for a person like me. Yes, I'm a fraidy cat and am taking my time, but I've made soo much progress and am just a few months short of living the rest of my life as the real me at 25 years of age. Exciting, but very scary; although it's increasingly becoming more exciting as I progress and up my confidence levels.
And while some have already given their honest opinions, I'd really like others that haven't already shared with me to give me their honest opinion of whether I can pass at this stage of where I am (here are some photo https://www.flickr.com/photos/118627967@N03/) I'm still a big work in progress and these photos of me are without makeup, in boys clothes and looking like a mess, but hell I really want to know what my true passing potential is without making myself dolled up? That's important to me because I need to know if anyone else also sees the beastly man that I see. What do you seriously think? I don't feel I have any ability to pass and feel like it would be a mistake to go out prematurely which is why I strive to perfect myself and wait for the "right moment". Am I really over thinking this and letting fear get to me? Do you really think I'm ready appearance wise? Is this all really just in my head?
Are you really asking about your pics again? Do you really think anyone is going to tell you something different to what you've already been told? Because if you are, you are living in a fantasy land. From a purely physical POV, you pass, you look great.. :)
As for waiting for the 'right moment', you could be waiting a long, long, long time for that.. It usually doesn't exist.
QuoteSorry, I'm all over the place, but I'm very scared and feeling so many things all at once. I just don't know how to process or handle it all. It's like I don't know where I am or where I should be at this point. A little lost and afraid about doing things the wrong way to be honest. I just don't want to screw this up. My transition is important to me, but I'm afraid of making a critical mistake while also feeling really sad that I keep delaying the start of the life that I desperately want.
Relax.. Take a few deep, cleansing, breaths. Sounds like you have your transition planned out to the nth degree - it's an organic process, it don't work that way. I had my transition all planned out.. It went out the window shortly before I went FT. I've just gone with the flow since and it's all been going just fine.
Transition is only as hard as you make it and you seem to be making it way harder on yourself than you need to.
Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on March 04, 2014, 06:12:33 PM
While you live in fear, you build regret.
You will make mistakes. Get used to it. If there is one thing you can count on, it is that. And taxes. Not taxis. You can't count on taxis.
Yes, you can pass fine if you decide to start going for it.
The fact you have so much support should be like rocket fuel for you. Really.
Go out and enjoy it. Take yourself out for a spin and see how you like it.
Hugs x
I do have a lot of regrets. In fact, I feel like my life is stagnated and on hold until I can get this over with. I'm just scared and really want everything to go perfectly. Like it needs to go the right way.
Quote from: stephaniec on March 04, 2014, 06:26:56 PM
maybe if you did thinner eye brows the girls face will look back more
I have asymmetrical brows, so it's a bit of a pain to find the right shape. However, I'm still learning and improving as this really is new to me.
Quote from: Aina on March 04, 2014, 06:28:08 PM
You look super cute Learning, you defiantly pass in my book.
As an graphic designer or artist, there is one saying I believe in. "We are our own worse critics." When people say "wow that is really well done". All I see is that looks horrid.
We just have to learn that maybe we are good artist, or in this case we look good and we pass?
Me I don't pass still haven't come out yet or done anything of use so going criticizes my own self here and wonder if I even should be opening my mouth. But I do think your looking well pretty you actually remind me slightly of a girl in my class.
Thanks. I'm really hoping I will pass as well as others think. It's just tough to see my own potential.
Quote from: kelly_aus on March 04, 2014, 06:28:13 PM
Horrifying news flash for you.. I still look in the mirror and see the man, even after being full time for over 2 years.. The thing is, I know I'm the only one who sees him. He's a memory, a trick of the mind..
People will know something is going on.. Your appearance alone is a shining neon sign. I thought I made a convincing guy even when I still looked like one - I was wrong, oh so wrong..
Confidence? Do what a lot of us do to start with - fake it. Serriously.. As I said, I still see the man in the mirror..
Are you really asking about your pics again? Do you really think anyone is going to tell you something different to what you've already been told? Because if you are, you are living in a fantasy land. From a purely physical POV, you pass, you look great.. :)
As for waiting for the 'right moment', you could be waiting a long, long, long time for that.. It usually doesn't exist.
Relax.. Take a few deep, cleansing, breaths. Sounds like you have your transition planned out to the nth degree - it's an organic process, it don't work that way. I had my transition all planned out.. It went out the window shortly before I went FT. I've just gone with the flow since and it's all been going just fine.
Transition is only as hard as you make it and you seem to be making it way harder on yourself than you need to.
Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one experiencing this. It's just weird that others see a girl and all I can see is a manly guy. And yeah, I did plan my transition out. Maybe I really just need to start living and stop thinking. I'm just a little lost. I know I'm going to transition and all, but finding where I am and what stage of it I'm currently in is a bit hard. My life is a work in progress, so it's hard to fit my transition goals into circumstances that are always evolving (mainly financial). I just really don't know how to get over my social fear. It's crippled me for so long that the idea of defeating it is incredibly elating yet terrifying. Like I want to just live my life as the real me, but I don't even know how to live in general.
you can try going out to a movie as yourself with or without a friend. You'd be out with others but in a theater and wouldn't worry about people reading you then make a dash for the car afterwards.
First thought, that's a pretty woman. The only thing that gives it away is you being here. I'd say your just fine.
Isn't it No more self hate month? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,160334.0.html :icon_yes:
Quote from: stephaniec on March 04, 2014, 08:08:04 PM
you can try going out to a movie as yourself with or without a friend. You'd be out with others but in a theater and wouldn't worry about people reading you then make a dash for the car afterwards.
I'm going to go somewhere in NYC for my first outing. I'll have to see if I can rally up some friends. I will be going out more, it's part of my get over my fear plan.
Quote from: Lizzie on March 04, 2014, 09:04:17 PM
First thought, that's a pretty woman. The only thing that gives it away is you being here. I'd say your just fine.
Isn't it No more self hate month? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,160334.0.html :icon_yes:
Thanks! :)
There is no self hate here, lol. It's more, I'm scared and don't know how to succesfully do all of this and need some guidance kind of thing. I know I'll make it in the end and will find a way to see it through, but I'm struggling and trying to learn and grow as I go. But I will make it someday even if it is frustrating now.
This sounds familiar. For some reason I see guy in photos of myself. Not in the mirror so much. But in photographs. It's one of the reasons I hate having my picture taken.
A therapist I used to see told me something that might explain it. She said that when people meet someone for the first time they take a mental image of their face. But when they see them again, all they are really seeing is a few general details to confirm that it is the person they photographed. Small changes get stored as an update, but the brain does not retake the photo.
So when you see yourself every day in the mirror during transition, your brain already has that "guy image" stored and it's just seeing enough to recognize and update the image. But it never completely replaces the image it stored, so it stays labelled as "that guy." And it takes quite a while for the brain to finally relabel the image it recognizes. This would also be why people who know a trans* person can be some of the ones who have most difficulty seeing the changes when the person transitions. It's also why a person who loses a lot of weight in the mirror may look and still see themselves as fat.
Basically this is a long way of saying that the reason you see a guy in the mirror is because you are accustomed to seeing a guy in the mirror. It will change. But it may take a long time.
As far as changing the perception, the one thing I found that worked for me was surprising myself. If I looked in the mirror at home I'd always see a guy. If I was in a public building and came around a corner and found an unexpected mirror, then I'd see a woman and it would take a second or two to realize that was me. Same with prior changes in appearance. Self image is hard to change and it takes a while. But with time it will change.
I am glad to see you pushing yourself forward l2l. I know how it is to be scared and completely lacking the requisite self-esteem for taking on something like this. It is hard and takes so much inner strength to get through it, but I feel it does make it more rewarding in the end. You can do it, you will be successful. What I did when I felt like I just couldn't is I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, imagine all my fears tied to a cluster of balloons, and then I would just let go of it and let it float away. It helped me lol, idk.
I am in that phase right now, I think. I think I'm out as whatever, and no matter what I wear, people still read my appearance as girl (with maybe bad fashion sense) while I disagree with their conclusion (now that happens with ~99% of the people I meet now). Nothing you can do about it but to accept that you're teaching them that there can be pretty boys in this world. While it's not what we are, it's what they'll understand if you have to talk and your voice isn't there. I probably "introduce" a pretty boy to random store workers and owners, friends of friends about 3 times a day. Sucks, but because my voice isn't quite there and I don't want to tell these strangers what's going on...it's what I have to do.
So you're not alone in that at this moment in your life.
To put this really simply, from photos, you pass physically better than I do now. And I have no issues out in the world... You will have no issues provided voice and deportment is on the mark.
I know that confidence will still take a little while to grow, but seriously, get on with it. You'll be more than fine.
PS. I'm jelly.
Quote from: SammyRose on March 05, 2014, 03:54:35 AM
To put this really simply, from photos, you pass physically better than I do now. And I have no issues out in the world... You will have no issues provided voice and deportment is on the mark.
I know that confidence will still take a little while to grow, but seriously, get on with it. You'll be more than fine.
PS. I'm jelly.
Thank you. Believe me, there's no reason to feel jealous of me, lol.
Quote from: smile_jma on March 05, 2014, 01:23:06 AM
I am in that phase right now, I think. I think I'm out as whatever, and no matter what I wear, people still read my appearance as girl (with maybe bad fashion sense) while I disagree with their conclusion (now that happens with ~99% of the people I meet now). Nothing you can do about it but to accept that you're teaching them that there can be pretty boys in this world. While it's not what we are, it's what they'll understand if you have to talk and your voice isn't there. I probably "introduce" a pretty boy to random store workers and owners, friends of friends about 3 times a day. Sucks, but because my voice isn't quite there and I don't want to tell these strangers what's going on...it's what I have to do.
So you're not alone in that at this moment in your life.
Yeah my voice isn't where I'd like it to be. I sound like a gay man more than I sound like a woman. It's something I'm working on very hard on at the moment.
Quote from: Jen on March 04, 2014, 09:55:10 PM
I am glad to see you pushing yourself forward l2l. I know how it is to be scared and completely lacking the requisite self-esteem for taking on something like this. It is hard and takes so much inner strength to get through it, but I feel it does make it more rewarding in the end. You can do it, you will be successful. What I did when I felt like I just couldn't is I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, imagine all my fears tied to a cluster of balloons, and then I would just let go of it and let it float away. It helped me lol, idk.
Thanks Jen. I have no doubt that I will eventually see this through. It's just very hard and I have no idea where I'm going. Like I know what the end result will eventually be (to some degree), but getting there and knowing when to take each step is very complicated for me. Even though I know what my path is, I find myself lost on it and not certain which direction I should be moving in at this very moment.
Quote from: ThePhoenix on March 04, 2014, 09:34:27 PM
This sounds familiar. For some reason I see guy in photos of myself. Not in the mirror so much. But in photographs. It's one of the reasons I hate having my picture taken.
A therapist I used to see told me something that might explain it. She said that when people meet someone for the first time they take a mental image of their face. But when they see them again, all they are really seeing is a few general details to confirm that it is the person they photographed. Small changes get stored as an update, but the brain does not retake the photo.
So when you see yourself every day in the mirror during transition, your brain already has that "guy image" stored and it's just seeing enough to recognize and update the image. But it never completely replaces the image it stored, so it stays labelled as "that guy." And it takes quite a while for the brain to finally relabel the image it recognizes. This would also be why people who know a trans* person can be some of the ones who have most difficulty seeing the changes when the person transitions. It's also why a person who loses a lot of weight in the mirror may look and still see themselves as fat.
Basically this is a long way of saying that the reason you see a guy in the mirror is because you are accustomed to seeing a guy in the mirror. It will change. But it may take a long time.
As far as changing the perception, the one thing I found that worked for me was surprising myself. If I looked in the mirror at home I'd always see a guy. If I was in a public building and came around a corner and found an unexpected mirror, then I'd see a woman and it would take a second or two to realize that was me. Same with prior changes in appearance. Self image is hard to change and it takes a while. But with time it will change.
Yeah, my therapist calls this residual image. In many ways, she is probably right. It's just so frustrating to hear everyone tell you that you are ready and passable to not even see it yourself. It's very confusing and it's hard to tell where you really are in the grand scheme of things. I'm not sure what stage of my transition I'm at and finding that out is very challenging. In any event, I hope you're right that this is something that will fade with time because it's starting to really get to me.
I feel the same way. Totally same. Am at that point now where I'm starting to actually believe what people are saying, that I'm a pretty girl. For a while I too thought they were just being nice.
The problem I'm facing now is just that I have a hard time believing that people cannot tell that I'm not a cis gender girl.
A couple people I told were just shocked and my boyfriend said his friends hve seen me on Facebook and they have no idea.
I have heard this from others as well, as a few people I decided to inform.
It's all pretty overwhelming and wonderful.
Anyways, I have not seen your pics but since people are saying you pass or that they dont even know at all,just try to believe them. Cause it's true. You're right its just too many people all the time for them to just be nice but untruthful.
So congrats on being able to live the life you were always meant to. :)
Quote from: HelloKitty on March 05, 2014, 11:50:02 AM
I feel the same way. Totally same. Am at that point now where I'm starting to actually believe what people are saying, that I'm a pretty girl. For a while I too thought they were just being nice.
The problem I'm facing now is just that I have a hard time believing that people cannot tell that I'm not a cis gender girl.
A couple people I told were just shocked and my boyfriend said his friends hve seen me on Facebook and they have no idea.
I have heard this from others as well, as a few people I decided to inform.
It's all pretty overwhelming and wonderful.
Anyways, I have not seen your pics but since people are saying you pass or that they dont even know at all,just try to believe them. Cause it's true. You're right its just too many people all the time for them to just be nice but untruthful.
So congrats on being able to live the life you were always meant to. :)
Thanks. It's just weird to hear people say all of these things that you yourself can't see. Like I feel like I'm in a weird twilight zone episode, lol. But hey, it could definitely be a worse situation, so I should take it for what it is.
LtL, you look absolutely adorable! HRT is already doing wonders for your face! You have such a beautiful natural feminine shape, cute cheeks, cute lips, a cute chin, and your eyes are just absolutely gorgeous! A little more hair-removal, some eyebrow work, and feminine clothes, and I don't see any conceivable way that you're going to have any problems whatsoever.
I certainly know the feeling of people telling me that I pass, but not believing them because I think that they know me and therefore their answers are going to be biased. So here's a question... how about people who don't know you? How about the anonymous public? How about all of the people in this world who are just getting the usual brief 2-second glance at you and then deciding on the spot whether you're male or female with no bias whatsoever? How do they gender you? How do they talk to you?
It was easy for me to deny that I was passing back when I was only going out amongst friends who I knew were worried about my self-esteem. It was a lot harder to deny it when I started going out in public and never heard anything but "miss," "ladies," "sweetheart," and the like. And I, like you, have a hard time believing that I'm really passing. I seriously do think "how can they not notice? Don't they notice all of these flaws that I'm constantly obsessing over?" But hard evidence says over and over again that they don't. So seriously, if you really want to know, just get out there and see how people treat you. It will become blatantly obvious very quickly whether you really are passing or not. (I don't see how you couldn't, but still, I feel it's a necessary step to really start convincing ourselves.)
Also, don't worry about the "you'll never pass" and the "you'll make an ugly woman" comments that you got pre-transition. Those are inevitable. I got them all the time. Our society has a set notion of what a transsexual looks like. They don't understand how much the body changes, how much the face softens, etc. So probably every single MtF has to put up with at least one "it'll never work" comment before starting transition, only to have those same people flabbergasted a couple of years later. Especially with the young.
I can totally relate. I'm almost 2 years on hormones, and I pass as a guy pretty much all the time. But I still see "her" most of the time. And when people say I look like a guy, I'm not inclined to believe them...I even get nervous (though, less so lately) when people call me 'sir' because I think "oh, they just didn't look closely enough, they're going to notice, augh."
I can relate to this quite well. To everyone else, I look like a woman. In fact, I am constantly being told how beautiful I am. However, when I look in the mirror, I still see a guy. I just try to remember that we are our own worse critics. Women tend to be the worse offenders of this too. Basically, you certainly are not alone.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 05, 2014, 01:04:24 PM
LtL, you look absolutely adorable! HRT is already doing wonders for your face! You have such a beautiful natural feminine shape, cute cheeks, cute lips, a cute chin, and your eyes are just absolutely gorgeous! A little more hair-removal, some eyebrow work, and feminine clothes, and I don't see any conceivable way that you're going to have any problems whatsoever.
I certainly know the feeling of people telling me that I pass, but not believing them because I think that they know me and therefore their answers are going to be biased. So here's a question... how about people who don't know you? How about the anonymous public? How about all of the people in this world who are just getting the usual brief 2-second glance at you and then deciding on the spot whether you're male or female with no bias whatsoever? How do they gender you? How do they talk to you?
It was easy for me to deny that I was passing back when I was only going out amongst friends who I knew were worried about my self-esteem. It was a lot harder to deny it when I started going out in public and never heard anything but "miss," "ladies," "sweetheart," and the like. And I, like you, have a hard time believing that I'm really passing. I seriously do think "how can they not notice? Don't they notice all of these flaws that I'm constantly obsessing over?" But hard evidence says over and over again that they don't. So seriously, if you really want to know, just get out there and see how people treat you. It will become blatantly obvious very quickly whether you really are passing or not. (I don't see how you couldn't, but still, I feel it's a necessary step to really start convincing ourselves.)
Also, don't worry about the "you'll never pass" and the "you'll make an ugly woman" comments that you got pre-transition. Those are inevitable. I got them all the time. Our society has a set notion of what a transsexual looks like. They don't understand how much the body changes, how much the face softens, etc. So probably every single MtF has to put up with at least one "it'll never work" comment before starting transition, only to have those same people flabbergasted a couple of years later. Especially with the young.
Thank you for the compliments! :)
It's hard to say how strangers take me. Since I still go out presenting male and not going out of my way to pass, it's really difficult for me to know. I get looks, confuse people, see smiles in my direction, here comments and sometimes feel on display to be honest. A simple task like going shopping makes me feel awkward because I feel like I'm "outing" myself as trans just by going out of the house as a fem guy. And you can tell when people are on to you which is happening more and more as I go on. Like if I was to just stop presenting male it would almost be easier for me to blend. Yet, I'm a bit afraid to take my chances at trying to pass as female prematurely and have my ego bruised severely. It's like I'm in gender limbo at the moment. Then again, there are also people that are really nice to me and most are like that. I have no idea if they know or even suspect anything about me because most of the times people avoid gender terms with me. So I really don't know. That's why I've been asking people that know how they'd gender me and the answers are all female or more in that direction. As of now, I'm really getting nothing to the contrary which is odd. It's confusing because I don't see it myself nor do I really know if i'd pass if I tried presenting female in public. I feel like I'm still at that andro in between stage. Like it's too early for me to start presenting the right way. I don't know. I just want to do it right and want it to work out in the end. And I'm terrified. But maybe it's time that I start getting out as me and I plan on attempting it before the end of the month. To be honest, I've been a real shut in lately and hate being that. I want to go out and live my life, yet I'm not interested in doing that as a boy nor do I feel ready to live as a girl. Like my life is on hold until I can get past this terrible phase. But I guess I really just need to push myself forward.
Quote from: birkin on March 05, 2014, 03:42:43 PM
I can totally relate. I'm almost 2 years on hormones, and I pass as a guy pretty much all the time. But I still see "her" most of the time. And when people say I look like a guy, I'm not inclined to believe them...I even get nervous (though, less so lately) when people call me 'sir' because I think "oh, they just didn't look closely enough, they're going to notice, augh."
Quote from: Brooke777 on March 05, 2014, 03:47:59 PM
I can relate to this quite well. To everyone else, I look like a woman. In fact, I am constantly being told how beautiful I am. However, when I look in the mirror, I still see a guy. I just try to remember that we are our own worse critics. Women tend to be the worse offenders of this too. Basically, you certainly are not alone.
According to my therapist, this is residual image. Like we all know what we used to look like so it creates some self bias. I don't know though if that's really what's going on in my case. I just want to make sure I don't step forward too soon and crash and burn. The last thing I want is my first few outings to be complete failures. I understand it can't be perfect, but I don't know where I am.
I simply don't get it.
Why is always the young passable ones saying 'I don't pass' ?
Why?
Quote from: JordanBlue on March 05, 2014, 04:00:17 PM
I simply don't get it.
Why is always the young passable ones saying 'I don't pass' ?
Why?
If you wouldn't mind explaining "young" for me. That is a comparative statement. I may, or may not be older than you.
Also, it might be best to avoid sweeping generalizations.
Quote from: JordanBlue on March 05, 2014, 04:00:17 PM
I simply don't get it.
Why is always the young passable ones saying 'I don't pass' ?
Why?
In my case, it's probably a mixture of fear and intimate self knowledge. We know ourselves all too well. What may appear feminine to everyone else still has a little bit of my past always imprinted in my face. Without knowing that, it may be easier to see me as female. Knwoing that makes it much much harder. Though, I will say that I do look very very different and everybody tells me the same. I just can't erase my own self knowledge and that's why I am open to the idea that self bias may come into play. The other part of it is fear that makes my already shaky self image become a victim to my insane over-thinking and horror scenarios that I conjure up, lol. I just want to make sure I'm on the strongest ground I can be before I risk crashing and burning. After all, we are all doing an incredibly tough thing that most people will never experience in their lives. Being overly critical and sensitive at such a overwheliming task makes a lot of sense and it's why many shy away or delay from seeing it through. I'm still learning to grow not only as a woman but a person and thats why it remains hard for me even though I'll see it through in the end. Of course, I can only explain my own feelings and why I probably over think this all to death, lol.
In any case, I do appreciate being seen as young and passable! That's a plus for me. :)
It's that body dysmorphia thing I'm sure, where your reflection in the mirror is overlayed with whatever your mind is projecting onto it, and consequently the image you see is totally distorted by the negative feelings you have about yourself. I have this issue all the time. I think it is common for trans peeps.
Sometimes though, I really do look bad, but a lot of times I look bad when i actually don't.
Quote from: JordanBlue on March 05, 2014, 04:00:17 PM
I simply don't get it.
Why is always the young passable ones saying 'I don't pass' ?
Why?
how about an old ugly one saying "I don't pass?"
Quote from: Brooke777 on March 05, 2014, 04:07:59 PM
If you wouldn't mind explaining "young" for me. That is a comparative statement. I may, or may not be older than you.
Also, it might be best to avoid sweeping generalizations.
Let's just say 25 and under.
This makes zero sense to me. I see the pictures and I'm thinking WTH? you pass just fine.
Yet, when someone tells you that you pass, you don't accept that. I don't get it.
Quote from: JordanBlue on March 05, 2014, 05:13:42 PM
Let's just say 25 and under.
This makes zero sense to me. I see the pictures and I'm thinking WTH? you pass just fine.
Yet, when someone tells you that you pass, you think they're lying. I don't get it.
It seems to be never-ending.
What about all the other M2F who are twice your age and older?
Don't you think we have the same type of concerns?
I would like to just say that no one says that those who are older don't have the same issues. I'm sure they do. It's not a contest rather than sharing how I feel. I'm sure there are older people that are going through the same thing and they have my sympathies. I also know older people that pass very well and are in better shape than I am. I don't put too much stock into my age. Sharing my concerns should never be seen as an attempt to diminish the struggles of any other person regardless of their background. I'm just trying to overcome my own feelings.
Secondly, I'm not accussing anyone of lying on this site and don't want anyone to mistakengly think that's what I'm going for. Not being able to see something for yourself and understanding the source of it is a tad different. In the end, I'm really trying to better myself in many different ways and learn to grow as a person as well as succesfully transition. I'm sure these concerns are not all that different from others and I'm just getting some insight. Please don't see me as someone who doesn't empathize with the struggles of others. That's never my intention when I share my own issues. I'm never trying to upset or hurt anyone else. It's the last thing I'd ever want to do.
Quote from: JordanBlue on March 05, 2014, 05:13:42 PM
Let's just say 25 and under.
This makes zero sense to me. I see the pictures and I'm thinking WTH? you pass just fine.
Yet, when someone tells you that you pass, you think they're lying. I don't get it.
It seems to be never-ending.
What about all the other M2F who are twice your age and older?
Don't you think we have the same type of concerns?
Alright, so I am 31, so I don't fall into the young crowd. In my mind, I don't pass. However, experience has told me that I really do pass. Honestly it is no longer a concern of mine. I just go with the flow.
Yes, I think that every trans person has this feeling from time to time. I believe that each of us have the same issues in public. How people handle them is where the difference comes in. Speaking extremely generally (yes, I am using a generalization), the ones that have more life experience handle situations a bit better, and therefore are able to walk around with the confidence needed to pass.
I just want everyone to know that my intent is to never trigger or upset anyone else. We all have struggles and issues that we deal with when transitioning. It's a growing experience no matter where you are in life or in your transition. This is just where I am and how I feel about myself. Please don't let that impact your own perception or hurt you in any way because it's the last thing I'd ever want to do. Seriously, I'm sorry if I've ever upset anyone in some form.
I agree with everyone who's said that it's basically that your mind remembers you the way you used to be, plus we're harder on ourselves than anyone else. I still look in the mirror and see a guy sometimes, even though when I actually LOOK at my old male photos I barely recognize that guy as me (and a couple times I've mistaken a pic of my sister on FB for me, heh). In other words, "he" disappears in situations where my brain is taken off guard and sees me as I *truly* look, but the rest of the time...
You're darned cute. :) I saw 100% girl in all your pictures; slightly sad-looking, but female.
(Oh, and I'm 36, if it matters.)
Quote from: Jenna Marie on March 05, 2014, 05:31:02 PM
I agree with everyone who's said that it's basically that your mind remembers you the way you used to be, plus we're harder on ourselves than anyone else. I still look in the mirror and see a guy sometimes, even though when I actually LOOK at my old male photos I barely recognize that guy as me (and a couple times I've mistaken a pic of my sister on FB for me, heh). In other words, "he" disappears in situations where my brain is taken off guard and sees me as I *truly* look, but the rest of the time...
You're darned cute. :) I saw 100% girl in all your pictures; slightly sad-looking, but female.
(Oh, and I'm 36, if it matters.)
I agree with this poster 100%.
We are our own worst critics. Take a walk thru any Walmart and look at how women in there look. There are women with all kinds of sizes, figures, and looks on this planet. and the truth is, people are so wrapped up in their own little world, they could care less about you.
Quote from: JordanBlue on March 05, 2014, 04:00:17 PM
I simply don't get it.
Why is always the young passable ones saying 'I don't pass' ?
Why?
I think us yungin's are a little more concerned about looking "normal" and blending in completely, so we're a bit more self-critical. With age seems to bring more of an "I don't care what people think about me" attitude rather than an "OMG, what is everyone thinking of me? I'm so scared!" attitude. I'm definitely guilty of it myself.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 05, 2014, 03:54:58 PM
Thank you for the compliments! :)
Yet, I'm a bit afraid to take my chances at trying to pass as female prematurely and have my ego bruised severely. It's like I'm in gender limbo at the moment. Then again, there are also people that are really nice to me and most are like that. I have no idea if they know or even suspect anything about me because most of the times people avoid gender terms with me. So I really don't know. That's why I've been asking people that know how they'd gender me and the answers are all female or more in that direction. As of now, I'm really getting nothing to the contrary which is odd. It's confusing because I don't see it myself nor do I really know if i'd pass if I tried presenting female in public. I feel like I'm still at that andro in between stage. Like it's too early for me to start presenting the right way. I don't know. I just want to do it right and want it to work out in the end. And I'm terrified. But maybe it's time that I start getting out as me and I plan on attempting it before the end of the month. To be honest, I've been a real shut in lately and hate being that. I want to go out and live my life, yet I'm not interested in doing that as a boy nor do I feel ready to live as a girl. Like my life is on hold until I can get past this terrible phase. But I guess I really just need to push myself forward.
Yeah, I'm pretty much in the exact same state. Without the wig on, I get a combination of "he"s and "she"s, and I'm frankly terrified to present as blatantly female because I'm afraid of looking blatantly trans. So yeah, not sure what I can say in regards to that. All I know is that it really sucks. Constant feelings of inadequacy, constant worry, constant hyper-sensitivity to how I'm being perceived, feeling like my life is on hold and I can't progress forward because I'm not more passable yet. Go figure. I totally get that. All I know is that it's not a healthy state to be in, because it leads to constant anxiety, depression, and feeling like you don't even want to leave the house because the perceptions of others scare you so much.
My bigest inhibition was believing that I could not pass. When I have showed myself how feminine I can be even without hormones, I convinced myself that transition is possible. Quite honestly you can make it work right now. Your not even trying and your face looks unbelievable without makeup. I wish I could just go shopping with you, pick a few outfits and you will totally kick ass.
sorry , I don't divulge my age. It's an interesting phenomenon this looking in the mirror. It's a blend of psychology and physics and biology. When I started transitioning 5 months ago I kept looking at my web cam to see any changes. It took a while , but I finally saw what looked like feminization and fat distribution . The crazy thing was it totally depends on the degree of light involved as to whether I can see female in my face or male. I thinks it the angle the light hits your facial structure. I know at first while sitting in my favorite coffee house I noticed when night came and the lights were prominent I could see a lot of female and during the day Mr, male was all I could see. As the months have progressed even at times in bright sun light the female shines through. It's difficult because I've lived as presenting male for a long time and you just can't delete that experience from all the brain cells holding information. I'm hoping for the female to completely dominate eventually because it's truly who I am. It just takes time. As far as "passing" goes I look at it as if I were a cancer patient given to choice of taking medicine that will keep me alive for what ever amount of time(transitioning) or not taking the medicine because of the side effects(not "passing") personally I choose life for whatever amount of time I had and not worry about the side effects. Just my opinion. and to be honest I'm probably one of the older ones on this site.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 05, 2014, 05:50:59 PM
I think us yungin's are a little more concerned about looking "normal" and blending in completely, so we're a bit more self-critical. With age seems to bring more of an "I don't care what people think about me" attitude rather than an "OMG, what is everyone thinking of me? I'm so scared!" attitude. I'm definitely guilty of it myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty much in the exact same state. Without the wig on, I get a combination of "he"s and "she"s, and I'm frankly terrified to present as blatantly female because I'm afraid of looking blatantly trans. So yeah, not sure what I can say in regards to that. All I know is that it really sucks. Constant feelings of inadequacy, constant worry, constant hyper-sensitivity to how I'm being perceived, feeling like my life is on hold and I can't progress forward because I'm not more passable yet. Go figure. I totally get that. All I know is that it's not a healthy state to be in, because it leads to constant anxiety, depression, and feeling like you don't even want to leave the house because the perceptions of others scare you so much.
I don't think its just really young people, I am 30 and well I still feel 18 and I know I am always worried about how I look and I am still a "guy" in rl. I think alot people are concerned with it. I mainly blame our society since we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be "young" and "beautiful". While it is much more noticable for women, these days a lot of pressure is on guys to be the ideal guy also.
I am trying to remember who said this but it was pretty nice quote "people need to understand loving yourself is not just loving your body, but who want to be also" I am sure I completely destroyed that wonderful quote but it went something like that....
L2l, you are beautiful and look female. When the time is right (which you know is approaching) to be yourself I am sure you will have a wonderful day.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 05, 2014, 05:50:59 PM
I think us yungin's are a little more concerned about looking "normal" and blending in completely, so we're a bit more self-critical. With age seems to bring more of an "I don't care what people think about me" attitude rather than an "OMG, what is everyone thinking of me? I'm so scared!" attitude. I'm definitely guilty of it myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty much in the exact same state. Without the wig on, I get a combination of "he"s and "she"s, and I'm frankly terrified to present as blatantly female because I'm afraid of looking blatantly trans. So yeah, not sure what I can say in regards to that. All I know is that it really sucks. Constant feelings of inadequacy, constant worry, constant hyper-sensitivity to how I'm being perceived, feeling like my life is on hold and I can't progress forward because I'm not more passable yet. Go figure. I totally get that. All I know is that it's not a healthy state to be in, because it leads to constant anxiety, depression, and feeling like you don't even want to leave the house because the perceptions of others scare you so much.
Thanks. Yeah, the more I transition the more concerned I am about my appearance. Let's face it, society really does do a number on the self image of women. And as a transwoman with very little confidence to begin with, it's hard for me to not compare myself to my peers and feel bad about my appearance. I can't help but compare myself and as such I find myself always falling short. I'm not too hung up on the beauty aspect, though it is important to me, but knowing whether I will have the ability to be taken as a "normal" girl and blending is important to me. For me, that's what gives me the pass to be myself and live the life that I want. The life that I've been deniying myself for so long. But I feel I need that blending privilege before. I don't know. It's just how I feel.
Sorry you are going through the same phase. For what it's worth, I've followed your transition and you have come so far. Seriously, you are an inspiration to me and I'm sure many others.
Quote from: izzy on March 05, 2014, 06:02:42 PM
My bigest inhibition was believing that I could not pass. When I have showed myself how feminine I can be even without hormones, I convinced myself that transition is possible. Quite honestly you can make it work right now. Your not even trying and your face looks unbelievable without makeup. I wish I could just go shopping with you, pick a few outfits and you will totally kick ass.
Thanks.
Quote from: JordanBlue on March 05, 2014, 05:47:40 PM
I agree with this poster 100%.
We are our own worst critics. Take a walk thru any Walmart and look at how women in there look. There are women with all kinds of sizes, figures, and looks on this planet. and the truth is, people are so wrapped up in their own little world, they could care less about you.
Thank you. I'm sure you are right. It's just getting it into my own head that's hard.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on March 05, 2014, 05:31:02 PM
I agree with everyone who's said that it's basically that your mind remembers you the way you used to be, plus we're harder on ourselves than anyone else. I still look in the mirror and see a guy sometimes, even though when I actually LOOK at my old male photos I barely recognize that guy as me (and a couple times I've mistaken a pic of my sister on FB for me, heh). In other words, "he" disappears in situations where my brain is taken off guard and sees me as I *truly* look, but the rest of the time...
You're darned cute. :) I saw 100% girl in all your pictures; slightly sad-looking, but female.
(Oh, and I'm 36, if it matters.)
Thanks. I'm sure this is just a phase and is indicative of the stage I find myself in.
Quote from: stephaniec on March 05, 2014, 06:06:42 PM
sorry , I don't divulge my age. It's an interesting phenomenon this looking in the mirror. It's a blend of psychology and physics and biology. When I started transitioning 5 months ago I kept looking at my web cam to see any changes. It took a while , but I finally saw what looked like feminization and fat distribution . The crazy thing was it totally depends on the degree of light involved as to whether I can see female in my face or male. I thinks it the angle the light hits your facial structure. I know at first while sitting in my favorite coffee house I noticed when night came and the lights were prominent I could see a lot of female and during the day Mr, male was all I could see. As the months have progressed even at times in bright sun light the female shines through. It's difficult because I've lived as presenting male for a long time and you just can't delete that experience from all the brain cells holding information. I'm hoping for the female to completely dominate eventually because it's truly who I am. It just takes time. As far as "passing" goes I look at it as if I were a cancer patient given to choice of taking medicine that will keep me alive for what ever amount of time(transitioning) or not taking the medicine because of the side effects(not "passing") personally I choose life for whatever amount of time I had and not worry about the side effects. Just my opinion. and to be honest I'm probably one of the older ones on this site.
You have a healthy way of looking at it, and I wish I could see things in the same light. I'm really working on getting there.
Quote from: Aina on March 05, 2014, 06:08:23 PM
I don't think its just really young people, I am 30 and well I still feel 18 and I know I am always worried about how I look and I am still a "guy" in rl. I think alot people are concerned with it. I mainly blame our society since we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be "young" and "beautiful". While it is much more noticable for women, these days a lot of pressure is on guys to be the ideal guy also.
I am trying to remember who said this but it was pretty nice quote "people need to understand loving yourself is not just loving your body, but who want to be also" I am sure I completely destroyed that wonderful quote but it went something like that....
Yeah, I really do feel pressured to fit in and look the female role as best as possible. It's why I obsess on it because I really want to be taken as a girl and not an imposter. You know? It's like fitting into the ideal conventions of beauty and looking just like other women my age allows me to blend. Right now, I just feel I fall short of other girls and it really hurts.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on March 05, 2014, 06:18:17 PM
L2l, you are beautiful and look female. When the time is right (which you know is approaching) to be yourself I am sure you will have a wonderful day.
Thank you! :)
Hi LTL,
This is hard. I wrote a response earlier for your other post and it got deleted. (???) I'll try again...
I understand your fears, both on a personal level and after seeing your pictures. Your fear is understandable but without warrant. You are just starting the HRT route, being only 5+ months into it. You need to allow HRT time to work. So, depending on the angle of the camera, the light and the facial expression, you seem to vary between beautiful girl and fem boy. In numbers, the beautiful girl thing wins. However, if we look at the worst of the pictures, yes, it is fem. That is what you are seeing and what you are doing....looking at the worse possible situation. The darkness of your eyes, nose and facial hair does not help. However, I'm not sure that any woman, when looked at in the worst possible conditions, without makeup, wouldn't have some fem boy in there. I will state again, HRT will take care of that. I have seen much worse come out very well after a year or so on HRT. You are just now getting to the face changing time.
Having typed that (which was hard), I will say what I said in my first (and lost) response: You need to work on your hair. I work with a girl who has a similar bone structure and facial features. She does her hair differently and it is amazing. Second, your eyes are to die for. They are like, fantastic. Your nose is a little large but within the range of female norm. Your lips are wonderful. In the final picture, which I think is your best, you are amazing. Yep, there are some FFS procedures that would make you more beautiful. But please note the "more" thing.
So...Full power forward. You are going to be somewhere between cute to beautiful.
Hugs,
Jen
Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 05, 2014, 05:50:59 PM
I think us yungin's are a little more concerned about looking "normal" and blending in completely, so we're a bit more self-critical. With age seems to bring more of an "I don't care what people think about me" attitude rather than an "OMG, what is everyone thinking of me? I'm so scared!" attitude. I'm definitely guilty of it myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty much in the exact same state. Without the wig on, I get a combination of "he"s and "she"s, and I'm frankly terrified to present as blatantly female because I'm afraid of looking blatantly trans. So yeah, not sure what I can say in regards to that. All I know is that it really sucks. Constant feelings of inadequacy, constant worry, constant hyper-sensitivity to how I'm being perceived, feeling like my life is on hold and I can't progress forward because I'm not more passable yet. Go figure. I totally get that. All I know is that it's not a healthy state to be in, because it leads to constant anxiety, depression, and feeling like you don't even want to leave the house because the perceptions of others scare you so much.
Hair makes such a big difference, it really does. I say a lot if I can hide my hair so it doesn't seem to be there I could pass as male anytime I want, and people always say I'm wrong but honestly it's true. My height, short hair, it doesn't matter what my face looks like. But with long hair, no matter how hard I tried, there is no way I can pass as male, I mean I could wear a suit I'm pretty sure and people would just be confused. Hair is a way bigger deal than people give it credit for. Well, at least for me. I'm sure there are some short people that would not be able to pull off male no matter what.
BTW you look really great with long hair. It really does make a big diff for you too, Carrie. You look totally fine without it, but with it there is no hint of anything but a pretty girl. That wig seems like a really good one, at least in that little tiny pic.
Also, I can identify with not wanting to go out full female with the fear that I would be seen 100% trans instead of 50/50 of either gender. That was probably my biggest hurdle that I had to overcome. The only way I could get past it was to learn how to embrace being trans, because I very much identify as woman, not trans. Meaning, trans is an adjective for me not noun, if that makes sense? But still, even if it is an adjective, trans is still part of my truth, and my continuing existence in spite of dealing with being born that way is something I am truly actually proud of, and if people realize the truth about me, it's just that-- the truth, and it's okay. That is sort of the inner-dialog I have a lot. It does help. And I also do that thing where I let go of my anxieties and imagine them floating away that I talked about before. Those things help me.
Quote from: JLT1 on March 05, 2014, 07:31:36 PM
Hi LTL,
This is hard. I wrote a response earlier for your other post and it got deleted. (???) I'll try again...
I understand your fears, both on a personal level and after seeing your pictures. Your fear is understandable but without warrant. You are just starting the HRT route, being only 5+ months into it. You need to allow HRT time to work. So, depending on the angle of the camera, the light and the facial expression, you seem to vary between beautiful girl and fem boy. In numbers, the beautiful girl thing wins. However, if we look at the worst of the pictures, yes, it is fem. That is what you are seeing and what you are doing....looking at the worse possible situation. The darkness of your eyes, nose and facial hair does not help. However, I'm not sure that any woman, when looked at in the worst possible conditions, without makeup, wouldn't have some fem boy in there. I will state again, HRT will take care of that. I have seen much worse come out very well after a year or so on HRT. You are just now getting to the face changing time.
Having typed that (which was hard), I will say what I said in my first (and lost) response: You need to work on your hair. I work with a girl who has a similar bone structure and facial features. She does her hair differently and it is amazing. Second, your eyes are to die for. They are like, fantastic. Your nose is a little large but within the range of female norm. Your lips are wonderful. In the final picture, which I think is your best, you are amazing. Yep, there are some FFS procedures that would make you more beautiful. But please note the "more" thing.
So...Full power forward. You are going to be somewhere between cute to beautiful.
Hugs,
Jen
Thanks Jen. By the way, I honestly don't know why your response got deleted because I don't block anyone and have always appreciated your input. :)
Yeah, see the fem boy thing is what I'm still seeing. It's just hard for me to know where I am when I still have view myself that way. We are our worst critics, but passing is very important to me. It's not so much a beauty thing (whatever, I've never really considered that I'd ever be that) and more of a blending thing. See if I can be accepted as female on a social level, I will feel more free to be myself. Less fear to embrace the life that I want and to simply live. Without that priveledge I feel like I'm stuck in a cage both emotionally and physically. Passing allows me to cast that off to some degree. And sadly, while everyone is telling me that I pass, I really do feel like I fall short of my female peers. There are aspects of my body that I can never be change and it'll never be perfect. It makes me fear being detected and being seen as an imposter of some sort. So I'm obsessing over passing and getting to the point where blending is as close as possible so that I won't have to fear judgement for being me. In order to be me, I feel like I need that approval and having the ability to pass is like a tacit one a best since I identify heavily as a girl. I do care about beauty though too. It's always been tough being trapped in a boys body and hating myself for it throughout my life. And when you compare yourself to other women, it hurts so bad. Still being cute or pretty isn't nearly as important to me as the blending aspect. It's being seen as female and having the privilege to be myself without fear of judgement that is very important which is why I hate seeing the fem boy in my face and certain aspects of my body. Sadly, I don't know if I can ever match other girls my age and wonder if I'll always stick out in some way.
The hair definetly needs some work. I've been searching for work (though I think I might have something), so I haven't changed up my hair yet. I'm considering doing bangs (wispy or side swept) and think that will help with the forehead and nose issue I have. It's just hard for me to pass as male if I do that because that goes out the window, and I need that to secure work. The eyes are just beyond help. I need concealer at all times. And while the nose job might not be
needed I will get that done for my own self confidence because it's a remaining symbol of my trans status.
Quote from: Jen on March 05, 2014, 08:44:26 PM
Hair makes such a big difference, it really does. I say a lot if I can hide my hair so it doesn't seem to be there I could pass as male anytime I want, and people always say I'm wrong but honestly it's true. My height, short hair, it doesn't matter what my face looks like. But with long hair, no matter how hard I tried, there is no way I can pass as male, I mean I could wear a suit I'm pretty sure and people would just be confused. Hair is a way bigger deal than people give it credit for. Well, at least for me. I'm sure there are some short people that would not be able to pull off male no matter what.
BTW you look really great with long hair. It really does make a big diff for you too, Carrie. You look totally fine without it, but with it there is no hint of anything but a pretty girl. That wig seems like a really good one, at least in that little tiny pic.
Also, I can identify with not wanting to go out full female with the fear that I would be seen 100% trans instead of 50/50 of either gender. That was probably my biggest hurdle that I had to overcome. The only way I could get past it was to learn how to embrace being trans, because I very much identify as woman, not trans. Meaning, trans is an adjective for me not noun, if that makes sense? But still, even if it is an adjective, trans is still part of my truth, and my continuing existence in spite of dealing with being born that way is something I am truly actually proud of, and if people realize the truth about me, it's just that-- the truth, and it's okay. That is sort of the inner-dialog I have a lot. It does help. And I also do that thing where I let go of my anxieties and imagine them floating away that I talked about before. Those things help me.
Yeah, see I have no doubt that I'd pass as female, but I want to blend in with ciswomen rather than be seen as a transgirl. That's why I'm obsessing over any little flaw or perceived male trait because it puts me at risk of being detected. It just makes me feel bad. Like I feel uncomfortable about other people knowing or seeing me as a fraud when this is really who I am. The societal privilege to be myself is almost riding on the tacit approval that passing can provide. Seeing anything that could distinguish me from other women makes me feel like this will be in danger. Overall, I realize this is a very unhealthy way of living. At some point I will need some sense of internal trans pride and self confidence, which is being worked on very much at this point, but it still isn't up to par. All in all, I realize there is no such thing as passing 100 percent and that people will know, so I really am trying to get over this social hurdle. Knowing that my passing potential is high makes it a little more bearable for me.
Think of it this way Learning, not even Cis-Males and Females pass 100% of the time. So why worry when society puts us all on a pedestal that we can't and shouldn't need to reach.
Be "you" that is all you can be!
Again I will state you look adorable and remind me of a girl in my class, you already pass IMO and I am the type who pays to much attention to detail - Being a graphic designer we are a bit crazy about that sort of thing....in a HEALTHY way....maybe.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 06, 2014, 05:50:17 AM
Yeah, see I have no doubt that I'd pass as female, but I want to blend in with ciswomen rather than be seen as a transgirl. That's why I'm obsessing over any little flaw or perceived male trait because it puts me at risk of being detected. It just makes me feel bad. Like I feel uncomfortable about other people knowing or seeing me as a fraud when this is really who I am. The societal privilege to be myself is almost riding on the tacit approval that passing can provide. Seeing anything that could distinguish me from other women makes me feel like this will be in danger. Overall, I realize this is a very unhealthy way of living. At some point I will need some sense of internal trans pride and self confidence, which is being worked on very much at this point, but it still isn't up to par. All in all, I realize there is no such thing as passing 100 percent and that people will know, so I really am trying to get over this social hurdle. Knowing that my passing potential is high makes it a little more bearable for me.
Yeah, I mean I think it is something that really will make everything easier and which after you stop caring, you suddenly stop havig issues of people reading anything into you somehow. I think it is a self-confidence thing. When you exude self-consciousness people look close to see what has you so ashamed or worried about. Idk, just a theory.
Quote from: Jen on March 06, 2014, 11:28:51 AM
Yeah, I mean I think it is something that really will make everything easier and which after you stop caring, you suddenly stop havig issues of people reading anything into you somehow. I think it is a self-confidence thing. When you exude self-consciousness people look close to see what has you so ashamed or worried about. Idk, just a theory.
yes, it just excepting who you are or just not transitioning and excepting that person as who you are. It's really all about how you want to live. Excepting either choice along with all the flaws. If the flaws are the problem which choice has the less flaws.
Same here, I just see a man in the mirror and I don't really believe the people who say I'm able to pass. It's hard to get rid of that male mental image in your head.
Quote from: anais on March 06, 2014, 02:19:22 PM
Same here, I just see a man in the mirror and I don't really believe the people who say I'm able to pass. It's hard to get rid of that male mental image in your head.
indeed
Quote from: Jen on March 06, 2014, 11:28:51 AM
Yeah, I mean I think it is something that really will make everything easier and which after you stop caring, you suddenly stop havig issues of people reading anything into you somehow. I think it is a self-confidence thing. When you exude self-consciousness people look close to see what has you so ashamed or worried about. Idk, just a theory.
I'm definitely working on it. I just have so much social phobia. Believe me, I have very little confidence in myself and my social anxiety only makes things so much harder. I really don't know why I care so much about what others think, but I do. To be honest, I'm very much a coward in many ways, so this is very hard for me to overcome. Nonetheless, I keep moving forward at my slow pace and keep making improvements. I mean I did accomplish a lot in less than a year and I'm amazed I had the strength to get where I am today. It's just frustrating sometimes and very challenging for me.
Quote from: anais on March 06, 2014, 02:19:22 PM
Same here, I just see a man in the mirror and I don't really believe the people who say I'm able to pass. It's hard to get rid of that male mental image in your head.
Quote from: FalsePrincess on March 06, 2014, 03:25:43 PM
indeed
I'm glad this is more common than I initially thought. I was wondering if I was crazy or if we all go through this, lol.
Quote from: Aina on March 06, 2014, 11:02:49 AM
Think of it this way Learning, not even Cis-Males and Females pass 100% of the time. So why worry when society puts us all on a pedestal that we can't and shouldn't need to reach.
Be "you" that is all you can be!
Again I will state you look adorable and remind me of a girl in my class, you already pass IMO and I am the type who pays to much attention to detail - Being a graphic designer we are a bit crazy about that sort of thing....in a HEALTHY way....maybe.
Thank Aina. I'm just not used to being me. I'm just used to putting up a lot of walls and creating defense mechanisms to protect myself from pain and exposure, that it's hard to reverse my old patterns. I'm trying really hard though. I just don't know what to do at times.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 04, 2014, 05:54:39 PM
I don't know what's been going on lately, but it seems that everyone I talk to or ask is telling me I pass as female. I used to just write these things off as "oh, they are being nice" or "oh, they are giving me hope", but it's been happening way to frequently for me to consider that's always the case. Not just with the people on here, but friends, acquaintances and even some of my family - the same ones that would tell me often that I could never pass no matter what I do- are telling me that I look female already or that I can and will pass. Some are even telling me that I'm pretty which I find really hard to accept. And even more bizarre is that I haven't been told by anyone within the last month that I don't or can't pass. Not even one person. This is all very confusing to me because I'm still seeing a boy when I look into the mirror, for the most part. I stare at all my flaws that are so obvious to me and they out me in a second. How are others not seeing what's painfully obvious to me? While I admit that I'm much different looking and that I'm fem, I can't see a girl at all or even most times staring back at me. Sure, when I put on makeup, I feel that I pass alright. Yet, when I look at my bare face, I still see "him" and I don't want that. It's causing a whole lot of distress for me because I'm wondering if "he'll" ever be gone. What if I always see a boy in my face? How can I handle that? Will I always have gender dysphoria? While I understand there may be an adjustment period, I really hope that I CAN adjust.
The same thing has been happening to me lately. I'm not full time yet but when I do present as myself everyone says I pass 100%. I can believe this as I've had to out myself twice by showing my ID and the person who looked at it had to do the double, triple, quaddripple takes looking back in forth before I said yep that is me. I know I "pass" but I really don't believe it for the same reasons as you do. I still see him in the mirror, but I do know that eventually I wont see him staring back at me. It will only be me in the mirror :D
Quote from: learningtolive on March 06, 2014, 04:47:04 PM
Thank Aina. I'm just not used to being me. I'm just used to putting up a lot of walls and creating defense mechanisms to protect myself from pain and exposure, that it's hard to reverse my old patterns. I'm trying really hard though. I just don't know what to do at times.
Yeah I understand that, at least when it comes to RL - I suppose I had a bit of freedom being myself online and honestly it may be the reason why I got this far with out going completely bonkers. ;D
In order to make an honest, informed opinion, you need to get rid of the guy clothes you wearing the photos. A button down shirt and tee under it screams GUY. Pluck your eyebrows. (There is no such thing as two perfect brows). Get some makeup. If you can't aford laser, pluck the hairs. Put on some skinnies, a pair of flats (Keds work), and wear a cute, form-fitting top or just a striped long sleev top ala jean Seaberg or Gennifer Goodwin. They both stole my stylre cause I read it in Lucky. That's the only way you will know if you truly pass. In some of the pics, escpeically the last one, you look femme, but in the others, I can't say cause you have no makeup on, a tiny stache and the requisite guy uniform.
I think if you present, and WORK it, you'll do great. But until you do that, you'll never really know. I don't think Ipass well in pictures but when I went to the doctors they kept asking when the last time I had vaginal sex was, guys whistle at me (well today they did but today I looked good. Kinda yucky but validating), and everyone says her (and I mean total strangers.).
Until you try, you'll never know. This may sound a little harsh, but the only way you'll truly know is by trying. I mean, you're going to have to eventually, right? Maybe I'm not the best person to take advice from since I just got back from my stupid ex's who is living with this 60 year old woman who acts like his mom. Eww. They're not like doing anything unless she somehow slipped into bed with us, but it still annoys me so forgive me if I seem harsh.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 06, 2014, 09:12:05 PM
In order to make an honest, informed opinion, you need to get rid of the guy clothes you wearing the photos. A button down shirt and tee under it screams GUY. Pluck your eyebrows. (There is no such thing as two perfect brows). Get some makeup. If you can't aford laser, pluck the hairs. Put on some skinnies, a pair of flats (Keds work), and wear a cute, form-fitting top or just a striped long sleev top ala jean Seaberg or Gennifer Goodwin. They both stole my stylre cause I read it in Lucky. That's the only way you will know if you truly pass. In some of the pics, escpeically the last one, you look femme, but in the others, I can't say cause you have no makeup on, a tiny stache and the requisite guy uniform.
I think if you present, and WORK it, you'll do great. But until you do that, you'll never really know. I don't think Ipass well in pictures but when I went to the doctors they kept asking when the last time I had vaginal sex was, guys whistle at me (well today they did but today I looked good. Kinda yucky but validating), and everyone says her (and I mean total strangers.).
Until you try, you'll never know. This may sound a little harsh, but the only way you'll truly know is by trying. I mean, you're going to have to eventually, right? Maybe I'm not the best person to take advice from since I just got back from my stupid ex's who is living with this 60 year old woman who acts like his mom. Eww. They're not like doing anything unless she somehow slipped into bed with us, but it still annoys me so forgive me if I seem harsh.
Yeah, I understand. See, I feel my presentation is somewhat feminine, but I don't feel that I pass as of now. Sure, makeup and the right clothing will help me in the long run, but I'd like my core appearance to pass as well. I'm more interested in what people see when they look at the bare bones me and that's why I showed myself off in boy mode. I don't want a biased interpretation and would rather people judge my natural looks. And for some reason I feel weird about trying to pass until I feel like I've come as close to male fail as possible which I'm personally not feeling at all when I look at myself. Even though I realize my appearance could be improved upon with all these things, I feel they come after the rest is improved upon. Like it should add to my presentation rather than become my presentation if you get what I mean. I know I'm weird.
Though I'm going to definetly where different clothing and use makeup once I go full time and I've been building up my wardrobe recently. Also, I'm going to change up my hair a bit to help diminish my nose and forehead which should do some good. And laser is a work in progress but it's taking time. Sadly, it's harder for me to get a close shave because of the dead hairs and all those pictures were taken around the exfoliating process which adds to the facial hair appearance. All of these changes will add to my presentation, but I'm afraid they may not be enough to guarantee passing if you know what I mean. That's why I'm concerned.
I'm going to start getting out soon, but I'm very scared. Though I realize I can't live in fear forever. But I'm trying really hard to overcome these fears.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 06, 2014, 09:32:31 PM
I'm going to start getting out soon, but I'm very scared. Though I realize I can't live in fear forever. But I'm trying really hard to overcome these fears.
Kia Ora L,
Have you tried meditation ?
"The mind is the root from which all things grow!"Metta Anatta :)
Quote from: Anatta on March 06, 2014, 09:38:51 PM
Kia Ora L,
Have you tried meditation ? "The mind is the root from which all things grow!"
Metta Anatta :)
No, but I'm open to it. I'm actually considering picking up a second therapist that specializes in social anxiety. I feel I need help in that department and while my current therapist is great, I'd like to go deeper than just my gender issues. I think conquering this fear is the key to everything for me to find inner peace and feel comfortable being myself and living the life I want.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 06, 2014, 09:41:46 PM
No, but I'm open to it. I'm actually considering picking up a second therapist that specializes in social anxiety. I feel I need help in that department and while my current therapist is great, I'd like to go deeper than just my gender issues. I think conquering this fear is the key to everything for me to find inner peace and feel comfortable being myself and living the life I want.
Kia Ora L,
Meditation in a scientific sense is just exploring how ones mind works and how one is continually creating ones reality...
By tuning
into and
allowing 'awareness' to become the non reactive observer of ones thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions,(fear just being thought+sensation=emotion) one learns how to go with the flow of whatever emotions arise in a
detached way-as the observer and not the participant...
I've heard many therapists nowadays use "mindfulness" as a tool to help their clients overcome anxiety...
MCBT http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness-based_cognitive_therapy
I wish you well...And hope you find what it is you're looking for....
Metta Anatta :)
LTL,
Why do you think we, as women, wear makeup? I do admit I see a woman now every time I look in the mirror, even without makeup, but I can't always say it was that way every single day for the first year. There were plenty of days I thought I looked like the old me, quite a few even in makeup. I don't think it was true, though, in retrospect, and someday you won't probably won't either. I saw your photos and you do NOT look male to me at all. It's just the male creep in us trying to hang on and keep ruining our lives. I do things, though, to simply feel more feminine. For one, I wear makeup even if I don't leave the house, and always wear some jewelry, at the very least, earrings. I also wear a dress every day, too. I'm a girlie girl, I guess, but I'll tell you without a doubt, it helps to make me feel more feminine. Maybe you should try one of those things if you don't do them now. I wore pants for the first 56 years of my life, so I'm going to wear a dress the next 56! After that, I may wear pants again, but I'm not quite there yet, lol!
Quote from: learningtolive on March 06, 2014, 09:32:31 PM
I'm more interested in what people see when they look at the bare bones me and that's why I showed myself off in boy mode. I don't want a biased interpretation and would rather people judge my natural looks. And for some reason I feel weird about trying to pass until I feel like I've come as close to male fail as possible which I'm personally not feeling at all when I look at myself. Even though I realize my appearance could be improved upon with all these things, I feel they come after the rest is improved upon. Like it should add to my presentation rather than become my presentation if you get what I mean. I know I'm weird.
I understand what you mean, and I guess it's hard for me to understand cause I get miss'd or whispered at "that's a girl" when I have to present in male-ish for business reasons. And the stares in the men's room are nearly unbearable. And yeah I guess I'm lucky but the thing is presentation is really important. If you dress like a boy, people are going to see that. You should at least dress more andro and I don't mean male andro. I mean wear women's clothes like a pair of Classic Fit Lee's (NO BOOTCUT) and a a more open top. Heck, even a woman's plaid blouse would work. That way you have plausible deniablity if it comes to that but you'd still be dressed kinda womanly. I mean fidning out male fail is tough. The only way I found out was cause I was stopped by the police and they wouldn't believe I was male. I went full time, as much as I can at the moment, after that. Try a little foundation and some blush and a teeny touch of mascara just to bring out your eyes. A little concealer around any other problem areas could work too. And last, try some lip butter.
I was at a trans support group today and all the trans women are going to this makeup class but they arent giving out free makeup so, no point for me. But I realize not every trans girl has been playing with makeup since they were six-seven. The thing is, in that last pic, you do look femme and pass. But yo need makeup. I don;t care what trans women say on this board almost every woman wears some type of makeup, even if it's just bar mineral's foundation and blush. In fact, in a study, somthing like 75 percent of women said they won't leave the house without it. If it's not for you, that's okay. But ya gotta try. I know it's scary but a life without risk isn't much of a life. Take some. Build on it. You'll be amazed at what you can do if ya just give yourself a chance. I was petrified. But nothing happened. I use the women's room all the time and stand among tons of women. Nothing. No looks. No nothing. Heck I went to an uemployment appeal in all male clothes and in the letter they sent me saying the outcome I was only referred to as she. So it's possible but I prolly still wore makeup, cause I always do. Prolly just foundation and blush tho.
You have to get over this fear. And I wouldnt recommend another therapist. That money could be better spent on makeup jk lol ok im not. But really, what will another therapist be able to do. Maybe get a short term script for benzos for the first couple outings. Just to take the edge off at first. I don't normally advocate that but I thinkit will help more than another $100/hr therapist.
Also it's good to start working on your style. No reason to wait, even if you don't feel ready to go out publicly yet. It takes a while to really figure out how you want to put outfits togeth, and how you feel most comfortable, and look the best. At least for me it did
Quote from: Anatta on March 06, 2014, 10:26:51 PM
Kia Ora L,
Meditation in a scientific sense is just exploring how ones mind works and how one is continually creating ones reality...
By tuning into and allowing 'awareness' to become the non reactive observer of ones thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions,(fear just being thought+sensation=emotion) one learns how to go with the flow of whatever emotions arise in a detached way-as the observer and not the participant...
I've heard many therapists nowadays use "mindfulness" as a tool to help their clients overcome anxiety...
MCBT http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness-based_cognitive_therapy
I wish you well...And hope you find what it is you're looking for....
Metta Anatta :)
I'll look more into it, but I'm really not well versed in meditation in general.
Quote from: Miranda Catherine on March 06, 2014, 10:45:00 PM
LTL,
Why do you think we, as women, wear makeup? I do admit I see a woman now every time I look in the mirror, even without makeup, but I can't always say it was that way every single day for the first year. There were plenty of days I thought I looked like the old me, quite a few even in makeup. I don't think it was true, though, in retrospect, and someday you won't probably won't either. I saw your photos and you do NOT look male to me at all. It's just the male creep in us trying to hang on and keep ruining our lives. I do things, though, to simply feel more feminine. For one, I wear makeup even if I don't leave the house, and always wear some jewelry, at the very least, earrings. I also wear a dress every day, too. I'm a girlie girl, I guess, but I'll tell you without a doubt, it helps to make me feel more feminine. Maybe you should try one of those things if you don't do them now. I wore pants for the first 56 years of my life, so I'm going to wear a dress the next 56! After that, I may wear pants again, but I'm not quite there yet, lol!
See, I sort of percieve things in a different way. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy typical things that are seen as girly, but I don't really need them to feel feminine. No matter what I wear or look, I feel the same way. Sure, I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to go out and pass the way I look in my photos, but the feelings never change regardless of what I accessorize with. I may enjoy how it looks and it may make me feel more comfortable with how others are viewing me, but the core feelings remain.
In terms of seeing these things for myself, it does help when I wear makeup and put on the right clothes. I do feel like I sort of pass in my own eyes when I do these things, but my mind always catches my flaws and the tell tale male signs. Regardless what covers it up or what others don't see, I still see it. For me, it's important that I can one day wake up and look in the mirror and say that's me and I like it. Without the need to add things, just look at what's there at it's core and say that's a female no doubt. Right now, it's not there. And even when I put on a female presentation, these core things remain in my mind and fight with the visual female element that I detect. What if other's see these things? what if I really can't pass because of them? That's why I put up boymode pictures because I wanted to see what others saw when they looked at my everyday appearance as of now. What they see when I'm not at my best. After all, no woman turns into a man when she is wearing layaround clothes or without makeup. Yet, for us, it seems like we need to always accesorize in order to see ourselves and have others see it as well. I know it's a tad weird that I think so deeply about this, but I can't help it. It's the way I feel.
Perhaps I'm over thinking it. I really am glad to have had such an overwhelming response to my pictures in boymode that it makes me feel much more confident about going out and actually trying to present. I'm just a little afraid my flaws and tell tale signs will out me. It's probably a fear that will disappear with time and experience though.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 06, 2014, 11:05:24 PM
I understand what you mean, and I guess it's hard for me to understand cause I get miss'd or whispered at "that's a girl" when I have to present in male-ish for business reasons. And the stares in the men's room are nearly unbearable. And yeah I guess I'm lucky but the thing is presentation is really important. If you dress like a boy, people are going to see that. You should at least dress more andro and I don't mean male andro. I mean wear women's clothes like a pair of Classic Fit Lee's (NO BOOTCUT) and a a more open top. Heck, even a woman's plaid blouse would work. That way you have plausible deniablity if it comes to that but you'd still be dressed kinda womanly. I mean fidning out male fail is tough. The only way I found out was cause I was stopped by the police and they wouldn't believe I was male. I went full time, as much as I can at the moment, after that. Try a little foundation and some blush and a teeny touch of mascara just to bring out your eyes. A little concealer around any other problem areas could work too. And last, try some lip butter.
I was at a trans support group today and all the trans women are going to this makeup class but they arent giving out free makeup so, no point for me. But I realize not every trans girl has been playing with makeup since they were six-seven. The thing is, in that last pic, you do look femme and pass. But yo need makeup. I don;t care what trans women say on this board almost every woman wears some type of makeup, even if it's just bar mineral's foundation and blush. In fact, in a study, somthing like 75 percent of women said they won't leave the house without it. If it's not for you, that's okay. But ya gotta try. I know it's scary but a life without risk isn't much of a life. Take some. Build on it. You'll be amazed at what you can do if ya just give yourself a chance. I was petrified. But nothing happened. I use the women's room all the time and stand among tons of women. Nothing. No looks. No nothing. Heck I went to an uemployment appeal in all male clothes and in the letter they sent me saying the outcome I was only referred to as she. So it's possible but I prolly still wore makeup, cause I always do. Prolly just foundation and blush tho.
You have to get over this fear. And I wouldnt recommend another therapist. That money could be better spent on makeup jk lol ok im not. But really, what will another therapist be able to do. Maybe get a short term script for benzos for the first couple outings. Just to take the edge off at first. I don't normally advocate that but I thinkit will help more than another $100/hr therapist.
Oh, I do wear and enjoy makeup, but I'm very cautious about wearing it outside. Sometimes I'll wear a little concealer or something outside, but it's minimal at best. To be honest, I look very different with the right amount of makeup, but I fear somehow people will detect my male tell tale signs even with that. It bothers me.
I suppose it's time for me to stop being chicken and just walk the walk at this point. I'm just paralyzed by this fear and uncertain how to reduce it so that I can take the next step. See most people here are strong and have more inner strength than I have. I'm a total coward and always have been. Getting to the point where I can overcome this is really important but its really hard for me. I just don't know how to get myself to defeat this social anxiety and fear. I want to do everything that I can to get comfortable beforehand.
Quote from: Jen on March 07, 2014, 12:46:03 AM
Also it's good to start working on your style. No reason to wait, even if you don't feel ready to go out publicly yet. It takes a while to really figure out how you want to put outfits togeth, and how you feel most comfortable, and look the best. At least for me it did
I've been doing that. Sadly most of the clothes that I've acquired in the past don't really fit me well anymore as my body and weight has changed, so I've been starting from scratch. I have a good idea about what I like and what I don't, but it's hard to tell what will work on me until I try it on. Because I only do online shopping, it's sort of a guessing game and learning through failure sort of experience. And because I'm broke right now, there is only so much of this that I can afford. Although, I got a call on Tuesday about some temp work from my former employer, so my fingers are crossed. I've been looking for employment and applying like crazy while hoping for a positive resolution to my former employers second appeal to overcome a higher freeze blocking me from filling a position. Once I have more pocket money, I'll be more free to experiment at a larger volume than what I can currently do. I'm thinking that aside from my confidence issues, finances and working on my voice are my real big toughies. The other stuff is likely more in my head, can be fixed or improved upon and minimal if handled in the right way. Money is the biggest challenge of all.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 07, 2014, 07:48:34 AM
See, I sort of percieve things in a different way. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy typical things that are seen as girly, but I don't really need them to feel feminine. No matter what I wear or look, I feel the same way. Sure, I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to go out and pass the way I look in my photos, but the feelings never change regardless of what I accessorize with. I may enjoy how it looks and it may make me feel more comfortable with how others are viewing me, but the core feelings remain.
In terms of seeing these things for myself, it does help when I wear makeup and put on the right clothes. I do feel like I sort of pass in my own eyes when I do these things, but my mind always catches my flaws and the tell tale male signs. Regardless what covers it up or what others don't see, I still see it. For me, it's important that I can one day wake up and look in the mirror and say that's me and I like it. Without the need to add things, just look at what's there at it's core and say that's a female no doubt. Right now, it's not there. And even when I put on a female presentation, these core things remain in my mind and fight with the visual female element that I detect. What if other's see these things? what if I really can't pass because of them? That's why I put up boymode pictures because I wanted to see what others saw when they looked at my everyday appearance as of now. What they see when I'm not at my best. After all, no woman turns into a man when she is wearing layaround clothes or without makeup. Yet, for us, it seems like we need to always accesorize in order to see ourselves and have others see it as well. I know it's a tad weird that I think so deeply about this, but I can't help it. It's the way I feel.
Perhaps I'm over thinking it. I really am glad to have had such an overwhelming response to my pictures in boymode that it makes me feel much more confident about going out and actually trying to present. I'm just a little afraid my flaws and tell tale signs will out me. It's probably a fear that will disappear with time and experience though.
I actually feel exatcly the same...
100% exatcly the same...
Anyway Ive been thinking about something else too...
Its not that we pass 100% , I dont at least...
I have an androgynous mode that gets gendered male all time
So?
Im sure that if my average mode would get gendered female instead of male then Id had no fears and doubts...
I just dont want to feel that im working on something...I mean a female without make up and female clothes is still a female...
without those im just a feminine guy...Im just seriously hoping that in the future this will change...
It sounds like you are making good and positive steps l2l. You should feel encouraged.
I think it is really hard to see yourself honestly, in 2 years since changing my presentation i have never not passed as a girl to anyone anywhere and I still think i look like a boy prettty often...
I won't give my opinion on how you look cause at some point my dysmorphia got so bad i even think most cis girls look like men. :s
Quote from: learningtolive on March 07, 2014, 07:48:34 AM
I'll look more into it, but I'm really not well versed in meditation in general.
Kia Ora L,
You don't have to be, in fact it's much better if one has no idea of how to go about it... This way one has no preconceived ideas which could interfere with and slow ones progress....In most cases it's better for the teacher to have a clean, clear mental state to work with, however if one does already have some ideas of meditation, the teacher may need to work a little harder getting one on the right mental track...
Good luck....
Metta Anatta :)
please don't take this the wrong way. Have you thought of the possibility that this conflict your having has its root some where else in your history and has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you pass. I mean what happens if you never achieve that final 1% . no matter how hard you try you always have that 1% doubt or fear. Do you just detransition because you can't wipe away that spot.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 06, 2014, 09:12:05 PM
In order to make an honest, informed opinion, you need to get rid of the guy clothes you wearing the photos. A button down shirt and tee under it screams GUY. Pluck your eyebrows. (There is no such thing as two perfect brows). Get some makeup. If you can't aford laser, pluck the hairs. Put on some skinnies, a pair of flats (Keds work), and wear a cute, form-fitting top or just a striped long sleev top ala jean Seaberg or Gennifer Goodwin. They both stole my stylre cause I read it in Lucky. That's the only way you will know if you truly pass. In some of the pics, escpeically the last one, you look femme, but in the others, I can't say cause you have no makeup on, a tiny stache and the requisite guy uniform.
I think if you present, and WORK it, you'll do great. But until you do that, you'll never really know. I don't think Ipass well in pictures but when I went to the doctors they kept asking when the last time I had vaginal sex was, guys whistle at me (well today they did but today I looked good. Kinda yucky but validating), and everyone says her (and I mean total strangers.).
Until you try, you'll never know. This may sound a little harsh, but the only way you'll truly know is by trying. I mean, you're going to have to eventually, right? Maybe I'm not the best person to take advice from since I just got back from my stupid ex's who is living with this 60 year old woman who acts like his mom. Eww. They're not like doing anything unless she somehow slipped into bed with us, but it still annoys me so forgive me if I seem harsh.
LTL, you already know my views on this so I'll not repeat them in yet another thread. I quoted Joanna because hers is some of the best advice you can get at this point. Yes, I myself pass all the time without trying yet I don't see myself as others do. In fact, 2 days ago I was in Wal-Mart wearing no makeup, was dressed in my sweats (they're girly sweats), had my hair in a pony, but made the mistake of going into the men's restroom. I had 3 guys correct me saying things like: "this is the mens room honey," "your in the wrong bathroom," and had the last one say: "are you a freak bitch or what?" (he was young). I froze for a moment I was so embarrassed. Then I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was so startled I left the store without using the rest room, and had to stop on the way home at a convenience store I knew the restrooms were clean in. 5 years ago when I started living full time there were days I had my doubts, and I still have them thinking:'does everyone need glasses?' This just goes to show you LTL that your not alone with this problem. 5 years ago I threw out, or gave away all my male clothes (women's clothes always fit me better anyway due to my body shape). I shop only in the female isles. Even though the Wal-Mart deboccle was an honest mistake, it demonstrates that we ourselves do not see ourselves as others do. Again this is why I quoted Joanna's advice. I've seen your photos, and I think you should give her advice a try. I'll almost guarantee you'll be surprised. ;)
Quote from: FalsePrincess on March 07, 2014, 09:02:28 AM
Anyway Ive been thinking about something else too...
Its not that we pass 100% , I dont at least...
I have an androgynous mode that gets gendered male all time
So?
Im sure that if my average mode would get gendered female instead of male then Id had no fears and doubts...
I just dont want to feel that im working on something...I mean a female without make up and female clothes is still a female...
without those im just a feminine guy...Im just seriously hoping that in the future this will change...
I'm glad I'm not the only one. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy typical feminine or girly things, but a woman shouldn't be defined by her makeup or what she wears. A girl is a girl no matter her appearance is, but cis girls almost always pass no matter how they present. Even if girls are always pressured to look this or that way, they can get away with not adopting a traditional feminine presentation. Sure they may be criticized and judged, but they will pass as a girl for the most part. Sadly for us, sometimes makeup and things like that are needed for us to even be seen as women. At the end of the day, I enjoy feminine things, so it won't be an issue for me to adopt a feminine presentation when I go full time, but I guess the fact that it's needed for me to pass is kind of sad. Like I need to do something or present a certain way in order to be seen for who I really am. I guess that's why I want my default up to par, so I look female at all times. It gives me the freedom to not only be myself but look and live as my gender no matter what.
Quote from: Jen on March 07, 2014, 09:35:13 AM
It sounds like you are making good and positive steps l2l. You should feel encouraged.
Yeah, I'm really hard on myself. I've made a lot of progress and sometimes I only focus on the things that I haven't accomplished rather than the stuff I have. My therapist reminded me of this yesterday and it made me feel better. It's just tough to still be in the transition phase.
Quote from: sad panda on March 07, 2014, 12:33:28 PM
I think it is really hard to see yourself honestly, in 2 years since changing my presentation i have never not passed as a girl to anyone anywhere and I still think i look like a boy prettty often...
I won't give my opinion on how you look cause at some point my dysmorphia got so bad i even think most cis girls look like men. :s
Yeah, I remember when you used to post in the past. At the time I didn't understand why you felt the way you did about things, but now I feel like I can understand where you were coming from in some ways. Sorry for not understanding in the past.
Quote from: Allyda on March 07, 2014, 09:32:29 PM
LTL, you already know my views on this so I'll not repeat them in yet another thread. I quoted Joanna because hers is some of the best advice you can get at this point. Yes, I myself pass all the time without trying yet I don't see myself as others do. In fact, 2 days ago I was in Wal-Mart wearing no makeup, was dressed in my sweats (they're girly sweats), had my hair in a pony, but made the mistake of going into the men's restroom. I had 3 guys correct me saying things like: "this is the mens room honey," "your in the wrong bathroom," and had the last one say: "are you a freak bitch or what?" (he was young). I froze for a moment I was so embarrassed. Then I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was so startled I left the store without using the rest room, and had to stop on the way home at a convenience store I knew the restrooms were clean in. 5 years ago when I started living full time there were days I had my doubts, and I still have them thinking:'does everyone need glasses?' This just goes to show you LTL that your not alone with this problem. 5 years ago I threw out, or gave away all my male clothes (women's clothes always fit me better anyway due to my body shape). I shop only in the female isles. Even though the Wal-Mart deboccle was an honest mistake, it demonstrates that we ourselves do not see ourselves as others do. Again this is why I quoted Joanna's advice. I've seen your photos, and I think you should give her advice a try. I'll almost guarantee you'll be surprised. ;)
I talked to my therapist yesterday and she really pointed something important out to me. She said as much as I want to get over my social fear prior to going out, there is no way to do that without exposure therapy. So, I know that I need to go out as me and just learn from the experience. I'm just trying to mentally and physically get there. But it's coming soon and will go out sometime this month even if I wait until June for full time. After all, I need to expose myself to it as it's the only way I'll ever overcome my fear. I'm excited but terrified. My therapist suggested on try effexor and klonpin to help with my anxiety. It get's quite severe and she thinks that will help me be able to take these steps. I don't want to be medicated, but I'm considering it for the short term.
Quote from: stephaniec on March 07, 2014, 02:26:22 PM
please don't take this the wrong way. Have you thought of the possibility that this conflict your having has its root some where else in your history and has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you pass. I mean what happens if you never achieve that final 1% . no matter how hard you try you always have that 1% doubt or fear. Do you just detransition because you can't wipe away that spot.
The 100 percent isn't realistic; it's more of an ideal I really want. I realize that passing 100 percent is a bit of a fantasy. Even if no one detects me while out, it can happen and people out there already know. That's something I understand and will have to live with. Honestly, I started my transition with the full intention of seeing everything through. Detransitioning isn't an option for me. So when my family was telling me that I was a lost cause and would never pass, I really took it to heart but realized there is more to passing. It's about one day living as me and being happy. So, there is no going back even if it's a challenge and really hard to get through.
I'd love to pass as much as I can because I have severe social anxiety. I mean most people would never know and I've worked jobs that required me to be insanely social and interactive with the public, but when it comes down to me being myself and not fulfilling some kind of role for a project or job, I sort of shut down and get scared. Like I used to get panic attacks quite frequently. I'd rather not go into my past but there are many reasons I'm like that and currently am trying to get over these things and stop them from hurting my life. Nonetheless, I'm still afraid of living as me in different ways because I was constantly scared about how people may see me and what that may result in. It's a horrible way to live and in my adult years (19 on) I've been trying my hardest to have faith in myself and feel comfortable with being me and living life. This has taken time and a lot of work, but I did achieve a lot of things and have reduced my social phobia and improved my self worth at times. Still, I went through struggles and couldn't really embrace and stop denying my gender issues until I realized how necessary this was for my entire being and overall happiness. Deny as much as I want, there is no getting rid of this. So at 23 I decided to start transitioning again (I originally wanted to do it at 19 bt chickened out) and I started the process at 24. It's just a very hard battle for me and it's taking it's toll, but I will come out stronger in the end. Passing or not, I will be me and will get through this, just in my own way and at my own pace.
In any case, passing makes it easier for someone like me because it's less anxiety provoking when you aren't detected. You can go by as who you are without the need for fear of judgement. I probably put way too much stock in what ifs and really make a bigger deal out of things when I shouldn't. Likely it won't be anywhere near as bad as I think, but I need to be prepared for everything just in case. I want everything to go as well as it can. After all, passing makes it all easier, so who wouldn't want to pass as much as possible? Still, I will be me even if I don't pass. It's just going to be a little harder and take more inner strength and work to overcome my social fears.
I think your therapist hit the nail on the head. just a suggestion why not just go to a therapy session as your self
Its frustrating isn't it. Seems like one day I'm wondering why I even bother trying to pass, the next day I'm looking and feeling totally female.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 08, 2014, 01:22:18 PM
I talked to my therapist yesterday and she really pointed something important out to me. She said as much as I want to get over my social fear prior to going out, there is no way to do that without exposure therapy. So, I know that I need to go out as me and just learn from the experience. I'm just trying to mentally and physically get there. But it's coming soon and will go out sometime this month even if I wait until June for full time. After all, I need to expose myself to it as it's the only way I'll ever overcome my fear. I'm excited but terrified. My therapist suggested on try effexor and klonpin to help with my anxiety. It get's quite severe and she thinks that will help me be able to take these steps. I don't want to be medicated, but I'm considering it for the short term.
I just want to say, LtL, I'm sure you've read my blog, and therefore probably already know how much social anxiety I also had when I was starting out. The first time I went out of the house in "girl mode," I was freaking TERRIFIED! The first time I went to my therapist's office in "girl mode" I was completely terrified too. I didn't really believe that I looked like a girl back then. Female-ish, maybe, but I was sure that I had a blinking neon sign above my head that said "TRANS!" and I was sure that nobody would ever accept me as female, and I felt like a huge hideous man-beast who was just trying to kid himself by going out in "girl mode" at all. I maybe had the confidence to go out once a month at the most. The rest of the time I ended up looking in the mirror, seeing flaws, and throwing off my wig in disgust because I felt like I was just kidding myself.
But then something happened that I wasn't expecting. I started being gendered female. On a few of those occasions that I went out, I head people starting to refer to me as "she," and "ma'am."
This still didn't help my confidence much, as I basically thought that surely they were just doing it to be nice to me, surely my transness was obvious to them, because it was really obvious to me. Still every single time I went out I was downright terrified, and I still rarely went out due to fear.
A few months later, I finally went out to a local trans support group in "girl mode." I was showered with compliments. I still didn't believe them. A couple of the girls my age there invited me out to lunch. I was scared as hell still. Every single stare, every single sideways glance made me feel like I was about 2 inches tall. They took me out shopping. They helped me refine my look. They forced me to go out in public more and more and more, even though there were numerous days where I NEVER would have left the house on my own because I was fighting with my appearance and too scared to go out because I felt so blatantly trans. But they kept me going out.
And over time, something amazing happened. After more and more and more trips out, I finally stopped being able to deny what other people were saying. It's easy to feel like a fake, feel like people are just being nice to you, when it's other trans people who are constantly telling you that you look great, and look completely female to them. It's much harder to deny it when you realize that you've been going out for two months and basically everyone has been gendering you female. The nervousness finally started easing up. I started actually being able to go out shopping in "girl mode" on my own. And even though I still didn't believe that I looked like a girl on a lot of nights, it reached the point where there was no denying the external evidence anymore, and I slowly started believing it myself.
And now, even though I'm still looking in the mirror and seeing a hideously-masculine he-she-it-whatever in the mirror when I'm just at home by myself, and I'd never believe I was passing, actual real-world evidence has proven me otherwise. So I can say to myself "it doesn't matter what I see. Everyone else just sees a girl."
The point of this story is, you will probably NEVER be happy with your own appearance. You will always be able to see flaws, and you will probably always feel like you look blatantly-clockable. I still feel that way. But the way that I got over it wasn't by sitting around and waiting. It was by actually going out, and having real-world evidence prove my self-critical mind wrong. The fear of the unknown is always MUCH worse than the actual reality.
Very good advice Carrie. Being 49 going on 50 and having survived a horrible accident that's left scars on my face I went through (and still do alot) alot of what LTL is going through over the years. Then 5 years ago, though I had decided to after buying my current home, but also, I just had to begin living full time because I was no longer passing for a male no matter how down I'd dress. But I couldn't see it. Especially with these burn scars on the left side of my face. And now after a little over 2 months hrt there's no going back nor would I want to. Since I've been living as who I am I've been so much happier. Now I'm looking forward to SRS/GRS two years or so from now to make me whole. I no longer focus on the past, only the future. ;)
It's funny that someone mentioned scars because this is why I'm struggling a lot. In my case, they are emotional ones and they are not necessarily related to my transgender situation. Sure I am transgender, but some of the wounds that plague me run much deeper and there is a reason that I fear people so deeply (in general) and require their approval/validation. I wish I could open up and share more than I have (which is a lot), but some things are really private and personal. And I realize everyone probably sees me as whiny pain or whatever, but that's not my intention. I'm just in so much pain and never got a chance to heal over things or really look into how much it's impacted me. Seriously, I've been broken on the inside since I was a kid and fixing these wounds have been harder than I could have ever imagined. Like in order to live, let alone transition, I need to relearn so many things and undo all the damage/trauma done in my past.
By the way, I would like to point out that I'm not giving up and I realize many people have it worse, so please don't think I'm being emo. In fact, I was blessed in many ways in my life and am grateful. And even the bad things have taught me valuable lessons and in a way has enabled me to see the good in everyone. So, I'm not saying woe is me. Instead, I'm trying to make sense of things and learn how to grow. For once, I'm trying to live for me and care about my own feelings. No longer let my feelings be in the hands of other people and no longer fear living. It's just insanely hard. That is not how I grew up and that's not what I am used to. And while focusing on the past isn't always great, I've been in denial of it and trying to forget it's impact on me rather than facing the reality of it.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 11, 2014, 03:02:38 PM
It's funny that someone mentioned scars because this is why I'm struggling a lot. In my case, they are emotional ones and they are not necessarily related to my transgender situation. Sure I am transgender, but some of the wounds that plague me run much deeper and there is a reason that I fear people so deeply (in general) and require their approval/validation. I wish I could open up and share more than I have (which is a lot), but some things are really private and personal. And I realize everyone probably sees me as whiny pain or whatever, but that's not my intention. I'm just in so much pain and never got a chance to heal over things or really look into how much it's impacted me. Seriously, I've been broken on the inside since I was a kid and fixing these wounds have been harder than I could have ever imagined. Like in order to live, let alone transition, I need to relearn so many things and undo all the damage/trauma done in my past.
By the way, I would like to point out that I'm not giving up and I realize many people have it worse, so please don't think I'm being emo. In fact, I was blessed in many ways in my life and am grateful. And even the bad things have taught me valuable lessons and in a way has enabled me to see the good in everyone. So, I'm not saying woe is me. Instead, I'm trying to make sense of things and learn how to grow. For once, I'm trying to live for me and care about my own feelings. No longer let my feelings be in the hands of other people and no longer fear living. It's just insanely hard. That is not how I grew up and that's not what I am used to. And while focusing on the past isn't always great, I've been in denial of it and trying to forget it's impact on me rather than facing the reality of it.
don't worry, we know what you mean. My years from 4 on were brutal, especially the grade school and high school years. It's hard to repair the damage and its taken me a life time to try.
S'ok. That's the whole point of transition, is a healing process to discover the authentic selves that we've been forced to repress our entire lives. If you need to take some extra time to heal, by all means, do it!
Yeah, I don't mean delay my transition, just learning how to get to full time. It's funny but my name learningtolive really is named after my situation. in some ways, I feel like I never learned how to live. Like if I had a totally healthy childhood and experienced what most people do, maybe life would have been different. Maybe I would have been more able and confident. Yet, my whole life I've felt broken. I feel like so many people here are naturally stronger and more able to take on the world than a weakling like me. Believe me, I envy these things and really want to have that sort of healthy self esteem in the future myself. I guess for me transitioning is really just a part of me to learn how to live. Not only can I look and dress the way I want, but I will no longer depend on other people's views or feelings. I can be me and say to hell with their disapproval. Sadly, right now I'm so used to leaving my life, feelings, body and soul in the hands of other people. And that's why I'm miserable. Taking back the control is something that is revolutionary and very hard to do, but needed. I'm excited and scared as well as confused on how to finally do it.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 11, 2014, 04:09:13 PM
Sadly, right now I'm so used to leaving my life, feelings, body and soul in the hands of other people. And that's why I'm miserable.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmeetville.com%2Fimages%2Fquotes%2FQuotation-Mina-Tadros-yourself-life-wonder-inspiration-Meetville-Quotes-170910.jpg&hash=4d3af3345b7d701b47b893f1164906769c4d75b3)
But that quote is inaccurate because I'm in the process of changing. Sometimes change is a process and doesn't happen overnight. I really wish I knew how to erase the damage from my past and could just be a well adjusted person with no problem, but it's not as simple as that. A lot of work is required to overcome it.
By the way, I want to apologize to those who read my posts today for being such a debbie downer. I've been a really depressed today and probably thinking too much for my own good. I just wish things were different sometimes and feel a little resentful about things in the past which had an impact. However, rather than blaming the past and using it for an excuse for everything, I do need to move forward and fix my life. I've grown a lot and am capable of taking things on, including my transition. I'm no longer the weak/fragile kid I once was and the past isn't the future. I'm not going to let others control me nor am I going to shut down my own feelings. Yes, I still have room for development, but I will make it. While the stagnation is hard for me and sometimes depressing, I'm handling things at a good pace that works for me. I just have to remember that and keep in mind how far I've come and remember what I'm working for. In the end, it's a process and work is needed, but I will make it in time and the past will be a memory.
Sorry everyone for this last post, but I wanted to end this thread as well as my day on a more positive note rather than the tone ones of my other posts. It's just a positive addition that is meant for myself more than anything (I use my threads as an interactive journal for self motivational purposes at times, lol).
Quote from: learningtolive on March 11, 2014, 04:39:39 PM
But that quote is inaccurate because I'm in the process of changing. Sometimes change is a process and doesn't happen overnight. I really wish I knew how to erase the damage from my past and could just be a well adjusted person with no problem, but it's not as simple as that. A lot of work is required to overcome it.
Kia Ora L,
CBT + Mindfulness ....It might not erase the past but it will provide the means/tools to enable you to cope better...
Don't give in to the ego !
I should point out L, when it comes to the above.... you've got nothing to lose but a lot to gain !
Metta Anatta :)
Quote from: learningtolive on March 11, 2014, 08:28:12 PM
By the way, I want to apologize to those who read my posts today for being such a debbie downer. I've been a really depressed today and probably thinking too much for my own good. I just wish things were different sometimes and feel a little resentful about things in the past which had an impact. However, rather than blaming the past and using it for an excuse for everything, I do need to move forward and fix my life. I've grown a lot and am capable of taking things on, including my transition. I'm no longer the weak/fragile kid I once was and the past isn't the future. I'm not going to let others control me nor am I going to shut down my own feelings. Yes, I still have room for development, but I will make it. While the stagnation is hard for me and sometimes depressing, I'm handling things at a good pace that works for me. I just have to remember that and keep in mind how far I've come and remember what I'm working for. In the end, it's a process and work is needed, but I will make it in time and the past will be a memory.
Sorry everyone for this last post, but I wanted to end this thread as well as my day on a more positive note rather than the tone ones of my other posts. It's just a positive addition that is meant for myself more than anything (I use my threads as an interactive journal for self motivational purposes at times, lol).
One last quote for ya LTL, one that happens to be my favorite, and words I live by. (Please excuse me not getting the words exactly right, but I'm sure you'll get the meaning):
"Those Who Live In The Past, Are Condemned To Repeat it!" ;) :)
Thanks everyone. It's just the past few days my mind has been on certain things. My mother opened up about certain things about my family and childhood and it left me feeling bad. I've finally learned everything that went on the actual nature of the situation. I just wish things were different sometimes. Had my mom considered how things effected me rather than thinking about the impact it would have on others than maybe I would have had a chance. It was a heavy decision she would have to make and it left it's marks. In many ways, I don't blame her and understand exactly why she did what she did. If I was a mother in her position, I may have made the same choice. In other ways, I'm angry, hurt and resentful that no one considered the way it effected me. That no one even thought about my well being and how all these things could hurt my development when it was clear that it was. I'm sorry to be vague, but I can't get specific and need to vent someday. It's just if things were different, maybe I wouldn't be such a broken person. Maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't know. All I know is that things left a mark on me early on and then were reinforced by other people/ situations. I feel like I didn't get a chance to develop like most people. The cards were dealt for me and people just continuously hurt or took advantage of my nature. It all put another brick in the wall that was created so early on. And all I did was accept that was the way I am and life would be. Eh....
In any case, I love my family. They mean the world to me. While we are clearly dysfunctional and it hurts, I will love them all till the day I die. It's just I still live with some of this stuff. It's not all in the past even if most of it is. I'm still that frightened little kid for good reason and there is no changing the way other people act. I've done everything I could. And when for years all you know is a certain thing and how to act, it's hard to break patterns. It doesn't help when you still need to find ways to cope with what's around you. My childhood and it's impact may be over and done, but it's hard to change when you still live with some of it in some ways. that's why it's so hard for me to change. Still, I'm trying. I really am. I've worked hard and still make progress. It's just my situation gets the best of me, but I'll make it.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 12, 2014, 07:50:43 AM
Thanks everyone. It's just the past few days my mind has been on certain things. My mother opened up about certain things about my family and childhood and it left me feeling bad. I've finally learned everything that went on the actual nature of the situation. I just wish things were different sometimes. Had my mom considered how things effected me rather than thinking about the impact it would have on others than maybe I would have had a chance. It was a heavy decision she would have to make and it left it's marks. In many ways, I don't blame her and understand exactly why she did what she did. If I was a mother in her position, I may have made the same choice. In other ways, I'm angry, hurt and resentful that no one considered the way it effected me. That no one even thought about my well being and how all these things could hurt my development when it was clear that it was. I'm sorry to be vague, but I can't get specific and need to vent someday. It's just if things were different, maybe I wouldn't be such a broken person. Maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't know.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fquotes-lover.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2FRegrets-are-a-waste-of-time.-They-are-the-past-crippling-you-in-the-present.jpg&hash=f07836293e8859efd8b5f0af18178eec6f3b337f)
I realize that regrets do nothing productive, but sometimes just getting it out helps. My whole life I've held in my feelings. For once my feelings matter as well. And sometimes addressing these things help one grown. In my case, I believe this to be true. I'm just learning how to fix things and find out what I need to do, so that I can succesfully transition and have a happy life as a confident girl.
In any case, I have amazing things in my life and am grateful for everything. I don't want people to see my life as a sob story or feel I'm saying woe is me. I'm the luckiest girl in so many ways and thank god everyday for my life. And I have the worlds best family and feel thankful to have them. So, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Life is beautiful and am happy to be a part of it all. Everything I dream will one day come true. I'll make life what I want it to be, it's just a process.
Like I said, I want to leave this thread on a happy note. I have no regrets about life and am excited about the future. I'm getting closer and closer to my goal. Tomorrow I start working at my old job, so financially I'll be better off (even though it's temp) and more able to invest in my transition again. That's a great and positive development. Things are looking up and I'll get to where I want to be.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-EhwGdC_xB3o%2FUgoyBmnCQrI%2FAAAAAAAAKoA%2FoNRNyC8MbK8%2Fs1600%2F969986_673766489305025_1956998086_n.jpg&hash=2e99bda7dd44507b232a67d287a39b8304a34083)
Quote from: learningtolive on March 12, 2014, 11:53:16 AM
I realize that regrets do nothing productive, but sometimes just getting it out helps. My whole life I've held in my feelings. For once my feelings matter as well. And sometimes addressing these things help one grown. In my case, I believe this to be true. I'm just learning how to fix things and find out what I need to do, so that I can succesfully transition and have a happy life as a confident girl.
In any case, I have amazing things in my life and am grateful for everything. I don't want people to see my life as a sob story or feel I'm saying woe is me. I'm the luckiest girl in so many ways and thank god everyday for my life. And I have the worlds best family and feel thankful to have them. So, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Life is beautiful and am happy to be a part of it all. Everything I dream will one day come true. I'll make life what I want it to be, it's just a process.
Like I said, I want to leave this thread on a happy note. I have no regrets about life and am excited about the future. I'm getting closer and closer to my goal. Tomorrow I start working at my old job, so financially I'll be better off (even though it's temp) and more able to invest in my transition again. That's a great and positive development. Things are looking up and I'll get to where I want to be.
yes, jobs have a tendency to help quite a bit