I was just wondering, after you've transitioned, do any of you ever tell anyone you're a trans person? I'm addressing this question to any trans person of any gender, whether you're FtM or MtF.
I've noticed that a lot of us (myself included) would prefer to live their lives as their preferred gender as though they were always that gender, not as born the unwanted gender then became the other, which is basically the point of transitioning anyway.
Some trans people even go on to be activists for the LGBT community and some don't mind people knowing about their prior gender and that they've transitioned but me personally, as an MtF I'd prefer to live my life as female, not as having transitioned... all though I did...
Well, when it comes to meeting new friends and dating, is it even a good idea to tell those people then? My female friends, I just may as they are supposed to be my friends anyway. But my boyfriend or whoever I date, I just may not because that's where things get dangerous. I've noticed in one of Kat Blaque's YouTube videos, she was talking about how telling a guy she's trans is prone to getting a lot of transwomen killed because the man was so attracted to this woman and then he finds out she was once a male, he gets so angry and putoff by that that he ends up murdering her. God forbids that happens to me.
How about this: I will tell very few people as possible. My gender status will be like my Social Security Number. It's just not something you tell people. Well, funny I should put it that way because I'd rather give people my SSN than to tell someone I used to be a man.
The other reason is, I, unfortunately, have had my experience with getting clocked on quite a few occasions and I did not like or appreciate it at all. I've also seen people point to transwomen and say "Oh, she's really a man!", tell transwomen "You are a man!" and all that other garbage (same with telling FtM people they're still women) and that would just anger me on so many levels. "Anger" wouldn't even be the word to do it justice! I'm just afraid that even if I tell someone I think is my friend that I'm a transwoman, they might tell one person, who ends up telling the next person and so on and so on. Well, ideally I would want the "There is no way in Hell you were born male," response.
But then again, I don't want to live as a "transgendered woman" just as a naturally born female and by that I mean, I want to be gendered as female everywhere I go, on the phone, and to go to the women's bathrooms and changing rooms without anyone giving me a second glance, and to walk down the street without a man staring at me because I'm not walking right or something is giving me away (I've also had that experience and I didn't like it) or that they're trying to read my gender, and all that other garbage.
That being said, unless I have a super good reason for doing so, I will tell very few people as possible or just won't tell people I'm trans at all. Just a courteous side-note, if I have said anything in this post to offend anyone, I apologize. I'm open to your thoughts and opinions about this matter.
I'm just ready to leave my male past behind once and for all.
I want my good friends all to know I'm Trans. No one really knows me unless they know that about me, because it's such a big part of how I became who I am. However, I wait until it becomes clear that we'll be come closer than just occasional acquaintances.
I never tell people I've just met. I don't want that to be my defining characteristic in their eyes.
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 13, 2014, 10:11:32 AM
I want my good friends all to know I'm Trans. No one really knows me unless they know that about me, because it's such a big part of how I became who I am. However, I wait until it becomes clear that we'll be come closer than just occasional acquaintances.
I do tell people, but I don't if it seems like it would become a whole bull->-bleeped-<-ty "coming out" moment. Not my scene. Though I guess maybe in the case of someone I want to date it may come off more like that because I'll have more emotion invested into the situation. Never had to do that yet... besides the one time, but that was as a lesbian with my gf helping me figure out that I really was trans.
All my friends that I actually hang out with know, but my classmates in grad school don't (because I never really see them outside of class. Casual acquaintances.. as suzi mentioned) The other friends I've made here know, however.. and honestly I think some of them have even forgotten. I don't make a big stink about it, but if I want to talk about being in the girlscouts or some other such thing I won't hesitate to do so. Provided, of course that it wouldn't become a bull->-bleeped-<-ty coming out moment. Usually I'll brush over it like its no big thing, and I'm surprised they didn't know. Kind of like in AbFab when they talk about when Patsy was a man for a few years "until it fell off". (Hilarious by the way... if you've never watched AbFab you really must.)
Its something I joke about. Its something I definitely laugh about (in a positive light). What else can you do? Sit around and be miserable? Sit around and be scared someone will learn your little secret? What tosh and nonsense. I prefer to stand strong and show the world that being trans is
not something to be ashamed of.
Staying stealth may be the best (and safest) option for some, and in certain situations (not going to go into a redneck bar and declare my trans status or anything). Its not how I choose to live my life. No hate on those who do. I understand that some people
need to leave it all behind them post transition in order to maintain their sanity, safety, career, or otherwise.
I tell people because I am not ashamed of who I am. In todays tech oriented society it is almost impossible to go truly 100% stealth. I have a past and if I start to lie about it or deceive I then run the risk of being caught in a lie and further damaged. You can go your whole life in stealth, but it only takes one person finding out to shatter your world. I would rather people know and judge their response instead of being approached by someone who found out and surprises me placing me in a dangerous position. Everyone I go out with knows on meeting me for the first time, especially if their is a chance of a kiss or possibly a relationship potential. I feel personally you have to give people the truth because to deceive them in a moment of intimacy is far more dangerous than a social moment. :)
Of course I will; I'm not going to lie about my past. It's better to say look, I was born female but I identify fully as male than have your friend or partner find out themselves. I'm proud to be a FTM - it doesn't define all of who I am, but a good chunk of it.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on March 13, 2014, 09:48:19 AM
But then again, I don't want to live as a "transgendered woman" just as a naturally born female and by that I mean, I want to be gendered as female everywhere I go, on the phone, and to go to the women's bathrooms and changing rooms without anyone giving me a second glance, and to walk down the street without a man staring at me because I'm not walking right or something is giving me away (I've also had that experience and I didn't like it) or that they're trying to read my gender, and all that other garbage.
That being said, unless I have a super good reason for doing so, I will tell very few people as possible or just won't tell people I'm trans at all. Just a courteous side-note, if I have said anything in this post to offend anyone, I apologize. I'm open to your thoughts and opinions about this matter.
I'm just ready to leave my male past behind once and for all.
^This
Nope. It has from the time i went full time on a need to know basis. 99% of people do not need to know.
I am a women and thats it.
Isabell
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 13, 2014, 11:14:39 AM
I tell people because I am not ashamed of who I am. In todays tech oriented society it is almost impossible to go truly 100% stealth. I have a past and if I start to lie about it or deceive I then run the risk of being caught in a lie and further damaged. You can go your whole life in stealth, but it only takes one person finding out to shatter your world. I would rather people know and judge their response instead of being approached by someone who found out and surprises me placing me in a dangerous position. Everyone I go out with knows on meeting me for the first time, especially if their is a chance of a kiss or possibly a relationship potential. I feel personally you have to give people the truth because to deceive them in a moment of intimacy is far more dangerous than a social moment. :)
As much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that you are absolutely right.
But, it sounded to me (forgive me if I'm wrong), like you were saying that the truth always comes out because I might be trying to live a lie or something to that effect. That's just what I gleam from your post. I'm not trying to do that at all.
I do see myself telling one person or another about my male history...
provided...
pro-vided... I have a good reason for doing so as I kept saying in the OP. Like... I would have to really know and be close with this person and she and I would have to be close friends, and not to mention I would really need to have that person's trust. To each their own. By that I mean, hey, you're not ashamed of being an MtF and you know what? I applaud you for not. I discourage shame of being who you are.
But as for me, I'm not ashamed of being MtF but it's not something I'm overly proud of. It's just that no matter how passable I look or sound or no matter how much I pass as a genetic female, the fact still stands I was born male and there is no changing that. I don't like that I was born a male, and I have beyond 100% ever right not to. That being said, that doesn't mean the people I'm affiliated with needs to know about it.
So if a guy is attracted to me, I'm not gonna tell him straight out, "I was actually born male." NO! I'm not gonna tell some random man (or woman even) out on the street my misgender history when I barely even know their first name, especially if I'm sure I'll have a run-in with that person in the future or will be working with them at school or in the workplace. If I'm at a hospital and I'm being treated or whatever, sure. Well, maybe as it depends on what I'm being seen for.
You are right about one other thing. Just imagine having a group of friends you've known for a while ("a while" as in say... three years, maybe four) and one of them discover you were once a man. I can't myself fathom how bad that piece of truth would just blow up in everyone's face. Because Kat Blaque also said in one of her YouTube videos that once people find out you're trans they treat you differently and it's not positive, especially if they find you out themselves.
So I guess it's all a matter of trusting the right people, knowing who to tell and when.
In my situation (middle aged and married), everybody who knew me before knows by now that I'm Jill. It's not exactly a secret, nor will it ever be. Sometimes I meet people through mutual friends, and I just assume they were (or will be) told. It's no big deal. I'm me, and I just happen to be trans. SFW. That being said, I don't advertise it either. If you figure it out, it's OK. There are people who have only ever known me as Jill. Some know, some probably don't. If it's not relevant, I don't bring it up.
Last summer I went to an event and met a woman who is a casual friend of my wife. We talked for 20 minutes or so, had some laughs and she asked me how I knew my wife.
"So where do you know [wife's name] from? Are you one of her law partners or just a friend?"
"I'm her wife."
"Wait, I thought she was married to a musician guy."
"I used to be her husband."
The look on her face was priceless. I guess she didn't get the memo!
The major thing that frustrates me about being stealth is not being able to advocate for other transpeople. After being super-duper out and being subject to all these annoying questions from people, I went through a period of being relatively quiet about it. But I could not ethically justify not speaking up or sharing information about trans issues, given how difficult I know transition to me and how many people have been kind to me throughout my life.
So there are people in my life who don't explicitly know because I haven't said the words "I am trans." But I'm very open about being an LGBT advocate, share trans-related advocacy stuff on Facebook, call people out when they're being transphobic, etc. So I'm sure people can read between the lines.
I let people know
I dont want to live in the fear of being discovered and I dont want others to see me as a person im not
Im trans and Im proud about it
its more fun like this , to know that people accept you and respect and love the real you.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on March 13, 2014, 02:55:07 PM
But, it sounded to me (forgive me if I'm wrong), like you were saying that the truth always comes out because I might be trying to live a lie or something to that effect. That's just what I gleam from your post. I'm not trying to do that at all.
Nothing like that. What I meant was with medical records, social media and other things available now it only takes one bored medical office worker going through files to discover who you are and gossip about it. I mean if the government cant keep secrets with tons of hardware and tech, what is to silence a low paid office worker from sharing the latest HOT gossip. I just know from experience NO secret is safe these days. That is all. :)
I'll let people know. I don't want to lie to my friends or potential girlfriend (and I don't want surgery, so it's not something I could keep from someone I'm in a relationship with anyway lol). I think, for a lot of trans people, they want to separate themselves from their past, the time in their lives that they were miserable or confused, and I think that's OK. But for me, I don't feel like I need to do that, I'm happy to explain it to people, to anyone, because I'm still a guy. Being a trans guy doesn't make me less of one. I'd be scared of telling someone, sure, but if a friend can't accept something about me that's so trivial, they're not the kind of person I want to be friends with.
I'm at a point where I don't shout it from the rooftop, but it's an open secret. HR is formally aware, but many others have guessed at my workplace, and I've seen negative reactions from one or two which have likely prevented me from progressing in the workplace. Fortunately, we have a trans* policy and I'm the first on the job transition, so it's not something I fear will get me fired, but it's definitely already resulted in being passed up internally.
People seem genuinely interested in my boobs. Unnaturally so, from the size. They're not huge by any means, and most of the women where I work have larger ones, yet I'm the one men talk to while staring at my chest that's covered in a button-down man shirt, lol!!
Outside of the workplace, I live with a vitriolic homophobe so try not to exhibit any characteristics while in the communal areas of the house. Other than that, I'm pretty much always out ;)
As of now, yes I guess I sort of have to. Once I go full time and get passed the beginning stages of my transition, I'd rather not tell people that don't need to know. Why should I? It's not a lie in my eyes. The only people that I feel need to know, for me, are potential partners. Everyone else important already knows or is soon to find out.
I lived 33 years as a male. Not by choice. But, never the less, that's the life I lived, and as such, it shaped me and helped define who I am today. It's my past. I will not hide from it. Plus, everyone who's anyone in my life knows I'm in transition, and I'm not going to ask them to keep it a secret.
That's not to say, if I ever get to a point where I can actually pass, that I'll go waiving a flag to announce it to the world. But, to any people I deem important to me that I meet after that day, well, I see nothing wrong with telling them. If they have a problem with it, then they have a problem with me, and I'm better off not having them in my life.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 13, 2014, 09:58:01 PM
As of now, yes I guess I sort of have to. Once I go full time and get passed the beginning stages of my transition, I'd rather not tell people that don't need to know. Why should I? It's not a lie in my eyes. The only people that I feel need to know, for me, are potential partners. Everyone else important already knows or is soon to find out.
I agree completely!
Quote from: FalsePrincess on March 13, 2014, 07:23:02 PM
I let people know
I dont want to live in the fear of being discovered and I dont want others to see me as a person im not
Im trans and Im proud about it
its more fun like this , to know that people accept you and respect and love the real you.
. This is how I am. You either accept the real me or you don't ...period.
For me my policy is to tell the people who need to know. If somebodies a stranger there dont need to know and I dont need to tell every person I see in the street I am trans.
You have to admit, though, that it is a hard thing to drop in a conversation...
Acquaintance: "Hi Sandy, how've you been?"
Sandy: "Fine, how was your weekend?"
A: "Wonderful! We took the kids to the zoo and had a great time. Did you do anything interesting?"
S: "Nothing in particular, played games with the grandkids, did laundry."
A: "Well, that's nice anyway. It doesn't always have to be exciting."
S: "You're right. Especially after my gender change."
***crickets***
A: "Well, how about those Cubs?"
-Sandy
It depends on who it is. I had no problem telling people that dealt with paperwork type stuff (like when I changed my name). Medical people I don't mind telling, either. But there are a lot of people that I don't say anything to, not because I am worried about what they will think if I get outed, it's just simply none of their damn business. I do tend to refer to myself as a girl even when I talk about past stuff. The reason I do is simply this: Just because I was in the closet for X amount of years doesn't equate to living a genuine life, in my opinion. It see it as being a lie for the most part. Who I am now, is really who I always was. It isn't my fault that I got stuck with a male name or forced into a faux male gender role. But it's no one else's fault either (My mom fought with that for awhile). It's just something that happened. No different from any other medical issue that I was born with.
Need to know only. But if I trust them, closely, they'll know. As to a leak, I have to much rage to get worried about someone not understanding their opinion is invalid. If they mess with me at work, they'll have one heck of a problem. So far, they have not, and I don't know who read me and who hasn't.
But I dont hand anyone anything that can be used to malignantly hurt me or others.
11 people and the docs know the truth. 3 at work think I have an endo birth defect. Fine. That is enough.
It's really a need to know basis, and very, very few people need to know.
I'm in the process of wrapping up the technical aspects of my transition(surgery in April.)
As a matter of course I am moving to a new region, and leaving all family, etc behind. About the only person in the need to know at that point would be future HR people, calling old jobs for employment confirmation.
Hey wait everyone on the board knows now.... cool :)
i myself are not gonna let anyone know except for my family since i know they will accept it, but once i am a woman then it will be easier for me to tell them since i will look like a woman. it also depends on the person and if they are comfortable unlike me im not comfortable enough to let everyone know that i am. i hope this helps others also if they feel the same way.
No. The option of being out becomes less feasible with time. For one, it took me SO. LONG. to get to this point (passing as male, period) that I'm so over people knowing I am trans. Really, it changes so many things in the relationship, they treat you differently, it's just not worth it. I deserve a break from people's crap and ignorance.
However, a recent event actually made stealth much more desirable, which was the Arielle/Ryan video on "vagina pride." That, to me, seems to be the dominant message in liberal circles these days. Trans people shouldn't be in pain over their condition, just have a little pride and that solves all your problems! Sorry, I don't know what that is, but that is NOT me and will NEVER be me. I don't "identify" with that message about being trans at all and I don't want people to associate me with someone who "loves their vagina" just because I chose to be out (they assume I have a vagina to love, but still...).
Quote from: learningtolive on March 13, 2014, 09:58:01 PM
As of now, yes I guess I sort of have to. Once I go full time and get passed the beginning stages of my transition, I'd rather not tell people that don't need to know. Why should I? It's not a lie in my eyes. The only people that I feel need to know, for me, are potential partners. Everyone else important already knows or is soon to find out.
Hmmm yep agreed its not lying! This is what I do as I pass now.
Quote from: birkin on March 14, 2014, 09:50:08 PM
No. The option of being out becomes less feasible with time. For one, it took me SO. LONG. to get to this point (passing as male, period) that I'm so over people knowing I am trans. Really, it changes so many things in the relationship, they treat you differently, it's just not worth it. I deserve a break from people's crap and ignorance.
However, a recent event actually made stealth much more desirable, which was the Arielle/Ryan video on "vagina pride." That, to me, seems to be the dominant message in liberal circles these days. Trans people shouldn't be in pain over their condition, just have a little pride and that solves all your problems! Sorry, I don't know what that is, but that is NOT me and will NEVER be me. I don't "identify" with that message about being trans at all and I don't want people to associate me with someone who "loves their vagina" just because I chose to be out (they assume I have a vagina to love, but still...).
AGREED!!! I saw that video too and was like ummmm huh?! way to generlize the trans population smh... I mean its one thing if one trans person has come to terms with their genital situation but a lot of us go through a serious period of self loathing when it come to those physical parts of ourselves. Some are able to find common ground but not all. I have mixed feelings about that video just because I know her intentions meant well but she should of also done an explanation about the dysphoria aspect as well.
I'm in the camp that it's not something I advertise to everyone, but not something that I go too far to hide.
First, I'm not 100% passable so some people are going to figure it out eventually on their own.
Second, I seem to constantly have run ins with my past. I still have yet to work somewhere without there being a connection to my past. For instance in one job I worked with the daughter of a psychiatrist of mine, in another the husband of my eighth grade science teacher. In my current job I work with a lady who worked at my mom's bank when I was a child.
Third, I plan to work in the medical field as an LPN. My province uses a centralized file for health care. Considering there is information for my under both names and very sex-specific diagnoses (IE epididymitis), future co-workers could easily stumble on this if they got bored or curious one day.
Fourth, I would want to be able to be open to close friends and potential partners. As much as I hate it, my history will always be a part of me and I'd rather they hear it from me than someone else.
The reality is that unless I packed up and completely abandoned my life and moved to another province or even another country, stealth is nothing but a house of cards waiting to fall at any time.
Firstly, I definately would tell a prospective partner because I believe that trust is one of the most important things in a relationship, if once the man in question knows about my past & doesn't like what he hears then my response would be "don't let the door hit you on the way out". I want a partner to accept me for who I am & 38 yrs of living in a male body has played a large part in defining who I am.
I've spent my whole life trying to hide the truth about who & what I am & i'm tired of it, keeping secrets is draining.
The average Joe on the street doesn't need to know, it doesn't effect them so i'm not going to wear a billboard or have a trans tattoo on my forehead announcing my trans status.
I would however like to do as much as I can to help the TG community in the future, without the help from other trans people on this site then i'd never have made it this far & i'd like to give something back & that will prevent me from ever going 100% stealth.
In the future i'd like to start a local TG support group, i'm also in with a chance of getting training to be a support worker for the homeless & those with drug issues as i've had both those issues in my life, the organisation who helped me through being homeless are the ones who are offering me a chance to be a support worker, they are very supportive of all things LGBT & I may well find myself propelled to being their poster child (they've already hinted at me being their LGBT representative).
With all of that in mind it would be close to impossible to keep my past a secret so why waste the energy trying to hide it?
I probably won't be off telling many people. I would probably tell old friends who I am/was if I run into them and can talk to them privately. Other than that, it's pretty unlikely that I would say anything to anyone unless I really thought I needed to. It's not that I'm opposed to it, but I'm a very private person by nature, that's all.
HELL NO!!! :o I'm stealth 100% to the core. Not even my shadow should know I'm a ->-bleeped-<-. >:-)
Im currently pre opt and I tell my partners just to avoid getting my ass kicked if they freak out.
But once im post op. Nope, im not saying a damn thing, I wont tell a soul.
Depends on the situation. You have to be smart about this stuff. I have found that for every crowd, there is a bias. One would think that being a white anglo-saxon Protestant heterosexual Christian male would be the safest thing to be in America...but announce that at a LGBTQ parade and the people there will flag you PDQ, wondering why THAT even needs to be know at the time by anybody other than you. Relevance please?
Being in the media industry at one point, I have worked with people who know how to dig up dirt about you. So when I came into the job I said: "I'm a pre-op. Any problems?" People at first were shocked but accepted me because of my "charm" and work ethic, but the way I seen it at the time it was best to say it NOW when I was at the bottom than be exposed on my climb to the top and be knocked down.
"So, you failed math during the 2nd quarter of your 9th grade year, huh?"
Uuuuum...okay. Yes I did. THAT was freaky.
Right now, though, I am at a point in my career where the word about this getting out will help me. People expect artists and writers to be eccentric, exciting, mysterious and taboo: so I wear it loud and proud. But my life is different and my needs different than everyone els's here.
Quote from: birkin on March 14, 2014, 09:50:08 PM
However, a recent event actually made stealth much more desirable, which was the Arielle/Ryan video on "vagina pride." That, to me, seems to be the dominant message in liberal circles these days. Trans people shouldn't be in pain over their condition, just have a little pride and that solves all your problems! Sorry, I don't know what that is, but that is NOT me and will NEVER be me. I don't "identify" with that message about being trans at all and I don't want people to associate me with someone who "loves their vagina" just because I chose to be out (they assume I have a vagina to love, but still...).
I've always wondered why I should have "pride" in a past that made me miserable for 35 years, including contributing to tangible things like me dropping out of school in eighth grade. No I'll wrap up transition and that's that.
Quote from: Evolving Beauty on March 16, 2014, 04:22:59 PM
HELL NO!!! :o I'm stealth 100% to the core. Not even my shadow should know I'm a ->-bleeped-<-. >:-)
What's the plan to get around background checks?
Did it once to get a reaction from a guy who was interested in me just to see how people would respond, (i know i should be more careful), but now, never again. Only if I have no other choice. I am a woman, and if I tell people I am trans, I am clinging onto my past persona even if it is just in a little way.
I am still pre-transition, so right now I HAVE to tell people in order to treat me as a guy. They usually end up having questions anyway, and I don't feel like saying something like I have a rare genetic disease (which IS sort of true, hah!). I'm just no good at lying, and it makes me feel bad and uncomfortable. Once I pass a 200% percent I might only tell best friends, and accepting people. Right now a transphobic zone is death to me, while later I can decide to venture in and just not disclose I'm trans.
I intend not to make a secret of being trans, but not be SO out that I'll always be "that one transdude". But ignorance amongst cispeople will only lessen if we are open to them, people are afraid of what they don't know or understand, and being out also helps OTHER transpeople to take the step (if there weren't others before me I don't think I'd have gathered the knowledge).
Just like I don't make a secret of that I'm attracted to both guys and girls, but am not telling everyone I meet either. I tell them when it has relevance, and don't when it doesn't, I intend to do the same with my trans-ness after transition.
I believe so yes. It might depend on the situation and if it's a gang of 10-15 muscleheads coming at me all at once I might reconsider not telling it because of the "trans-panic" laws.
I've also given it some further thought since my last post in this thread.
I don't care to hide that I am trans, but discretion is a good thing to excercise. However I won't hide it from a potential "playmate" (partner) either.
I figure there has to be people out there with a "trans fetish" (for lack of better terms) so I might as well be after those people instead of trying to hide it from someone who may not appreciate/be receptive the idea. The less I have to tear down walls the better.
I don't keep it a secret, but I don't announce it either. These days most people who meet me don't know, and unless we become friends they probably won't; there's a whole list of "personal but not shameful" things about me that I don't tell strangers and acquaintances, after all. I'm a generally private person anyway.