So I was out at a party in female mode for the first time over the weekend.
To most of my friends it was a first, seeing me presenting as female, but on the whole, I was very pleasantly surprised by their reactions.
So, I've been practising my female body language obsessively when I am at home over the last 4 months. I feel very natural and flowing when I am doing it now, even in front of people who are seeing me for the first time.
My friends and family agree wholeheartedly, many expressing sentiments such as "OMG! you just look so natural!" or "You just like...move and hold yourself completely differently and confidently!" etc etc
So, the party goes on, everything is great fun, we play Cards Against Humanity, drink is had (but not by me) some of my male friends start hitting on me out of the blue (an unexpected if not entirely unpleasant experience) and we generally all have a good time.
Then comes the end of the revelries (well...more like the sun came up and we realised just how long we had been awake) and we agreed to call it there, upon the usual lamentations that we "don't do this often enough" etc etc etc, (I'm sure you all know the score).
SOOOOOO...time for goodbye hugs, everybody parts I undress and collapse on the bottom bunk of the spare bunk bed (Yes this gent has bunk beds in his spare room...yes he is a genius) before drifting off into a wonderful sleep filled with rainbows and super powers...
When I awake in the morning, I found I had numerous texts from various friends and family saying how well I had done and that they were so proud etc etc etc...
But there was one text...one that made me sit up in such groggy confusion that I forgot I was on the bottom bunk (the bruise will heal I'm sure, nothing a bit of foundation doesn't cover).
Below is the entirety of the text for your viewing pleasure...
___________________
"Heya! Had an great time last night! We need to do that more often! You looked amazing! I didn't even realise it was you when you walked in! <3
But you really need to work on your hugs, you still hug like a dude and it's an instant deal breaker.
ttyl! Xx"
___________________
I guess practising alone at home can't cover all your bases xD
So my question to you all...how do YOU hug? Are hugs gender specific?
And most importantly...
How do I "Hug like a girl?" xD
Answers on a post card!...Or in the reply box...actually yeah...post them in the reply box, I can't read hand writing, computers have ruined me...
I don't know, but I am now going to ask. Can you ask your friend to help with that maybe?
Quote from: Edge on March 24, 2014, 10:13:30 AM
I don't know, but I am now going to ask. Can you ask your friend to help with that maybe?
Probably not...when pressed for further clarification she simply said "I don't know...just like a man? It's hard to explain!"
:S
eeeh , never heard about that...
In my mind a dude hugs kinda,,,straight forward with more strenght and a single move and the hug doesnt even last long...
while a girl would be more gentle
kinda like this...but yeah first time I hear someone making a fuss about it.
You'd be surprised how in-depth Hugology can be, lol.
http://www.lifescript.com/life/relationships/also-in-relationships/a_guide_to_hugging.aspx
;)
Men and women hug differently. I certainly hug differently as a woman.
1. I'm more uninhibited. Men hug like they have to. Women hug more warmly.
2. As a woman, when I hug a man, I let myself enjoy it. Men only allow themselves to enjoy hugs from women. As a female I'm more open the the sensual pleasure of human to human contact.
Well, I guess it's a little more restrained. A guy hug is a little more 'one-armed', less close, quicker, etc. Think of the difference between hugging someone you're really comfortable with and someone you don't know really well (and probably aren't that enthused about hugging). That's probably a lot of the difference (though a guy will sometimes hug someone they're really close to in a more close way). Also, guy hugs tend to have pats and stuff and be a little more forceful. I'm by no means an expert, but thinking about it, that's what I've experienced.
*Takes notes* (I'm sure there'll be a test on this at some point..I hate tests *grumble grumble*)
:D
This may not be entirely on topic...but does anyone else find it sad that a guy won't let another guy hug him?..although some guys will. I've never had a problem with..I've tried hugging guys before only for them back away..maybe because my hugs are girly?
Quote from: Cassandra on March 24, 2014, 12:31:57 PM
This may not be entirely on topic...but does anyone else find it sad that a guy won't let another guy hug him?..although some guys will. I've never had a problem with..I've tried hugging guys before only for them back away..maybe because my hugs are girly?
A lot of straight guys don't want to be seen as gay, either by others or by themselves. Some even condition themselves not to enjoy contact with other males.
I can't tell you how odd such a comment strikes me, because well... hugging is kind of a girl thing entirely, where I come from. Guys don't hug. Not unless they're forced to. So, I never learned to "hug like a guy" in the first place. :P
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 24, 2014, 12:41:47 PM
A lot of straight guys don't want to be seen as gay, either by others or by themselves. Some even condition themselves not to enjoy contact with other males.
Which is sad.
I have a couple guy friends who initiated hugs.
I would have to guess guys hug stronger and less lovingly, while females softly pull you close. Ask your friend what she means would be the best bet.
Quote from: Sephirah on March 24, 2014, 11:42:31 AM
You'd be surprised how in-depth Hugology can be, lol.
http://www.lifescript.com/life/relationships/also-in-relationships/a_guide_to_hugging.aspx
;)
Somebody MUST have had a fun time doing that research...
Quote from: Cassandra on March 24, 2014, 12:31:57 PM
This may not be entirely on topic...but does anyone else find it sad that a guy won't let another guy hug him?..although some guys will. I've never had a problem with..I've tried hugging guys before only for them back away..maybe because my hugs are girly?
Quote from: Pikachu on March 24, 2014, 12:43:33 PM
I can't tell you how odd such a comment strikes me, because well... hugging is kind of a girl thing entirely, where I come from. Guys don't hug. Not unless they're forced to. So, I never learned to "hug like a guy" in the first place. :P
In Scotland guys hugging each other is really common...I've never heard of anybody calling somebody out as being gay for hugging another guy, no matter how homophobic the gents.
Quote from: Jessika Lin on March 24, 2014, 12:22:18 PM
*Takes notes* (I'm sure there'll be a test on this at some point..I hate tests *grumble grumble*)
:D
I love research, I bet you would love it too if we found you the right "lab partner" ;)
I guess the general consensus is that guys do hug differently...but it's hard to put a finger on it...I will conduct further research on this front and report back!
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 24, 2014, 11:50:13 AM
Men and women hug differently. I certainly hug differently as a woman.
1. I'm more uninhibited. Men hug like they have to. Women hug more warmly.
2. As a woman, when I hug a man, I let myself enjoy it. Men only allow themselves to enjoy hugs from women. As a female I'm more open the the sensual pleasure of human to human contact.
This, exactly. Men typically do the hand slap to one-arm-around-the-shoulder hug. I never liked that. It's socially easy, but it's unfulfilling. As I've been transitioning, I've allowed myself to warmly embrace people and enjoy their warmth, regardless of gender. Hugging now also feels less sexual and more adorable.
Quote from: Danniella on March 24, 2014, 01:52:29 PM
I love research, I bet you would love it too if we found you the right "lab partner" ;)
I suspect you're right :laugh:!
Hmmmm.... love hugging. Women are more prone to savoring the hug, letting it linger, and absolutely no patting! I've also been known to give a slight and gentle massage with my hand to people I know would be receptive. :)
Ha... I wish someone would tell my neighbor across the street that women don't do the patting thing. She can't hug me without "patting" (more like pounding) me on the back, and she's always patting me on the shoulder, or if I'm sitting down, on the leg. It's very annoying.
One of my gay friends actually talked to me about this a few years ago...
He said that guys kind of do the "bro" hug. They're reluctant, they give you kind of a half-hug where they pat you on the back, or they hug really tightly for a quick moment but then release quickly because, you know, they don't want to appear gay or feminine by being too emotionally open. So it's just a quick "yeah, you're awesome, dude" kind of hug where you really don't get too close to the person. It's more of an acknowledgement than a real display of affection.
Women hug warmly and sincerely, and generally aren't afraid of it. They hug to show affection, and it's not so much about the force or the act of hugging, but just the feeling of being close and embracing someone else. Much more squeezing, holding, and other such emotionally-"open" gestures are involved.
Just a different mindset, really. That's the main thing. The "bro" hug which you just do and get over with, versus a genuine hug of affection.
And this isn't just about hugging either. Most "feminine" social behavior comes from a place of genuine emotional interest and openness, where most "masculine" social behavior comes from a place of stoicism and defensive behavior.
So just let yourself go. Don't be afraid. This is one of the most amazing parts of transition, is that freedom to quit being defensive and finally make genuine emotional connections with people. It's a hard habit to unlearn, but very emotionally rewarding once you do. :)
Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 24, 2014, 04:40:35 PM
So just let yourself go. Don't be afraid. This is one of the most amazing parts of transition, is that freedom to quit being defensive and finally make genuine emotional connections with people. It's a hard habit to unlearn, but very emotionally rewarding once you do. :)
Oh god, yeah! Since I've begun transitioning, this is one thing that's really come to be! I was always a hugger, but now I hug openly, with reckless abandon.
Quote from: Danniella on March 24, 2014, 01:52:29 PM
In Scotland guys hugging each other is really common...
In England we call those headlocks, and they don't count. :P ;D
*huggles*
Quote from: Sephirah on March 25, 2014, 10:16:34 AM
In England we call those headlocks, and they don't count. :P ;D
*huggles*
So...you're NOT supposed to hear the bones break?
...
Huh...
Quote from: Danniella on March 25, 2014, 10:26:36 AM
So...you're NOT supposed to hear the bones break?
...
Huh...
Nope, only heavy popping.
Quote from: Xhianil on March 25, 2014, 01:01:32 PM
Nope, only heavy popping.
-Adds to notes- "No...Breaking...Bones"
Okay.
As an aside, I'm going out with a bunch of girl friends tonight...I shall put on my best David Atenburgh impression to observe their hugging closely and report back >.>
I'd just like to suggest that we all hug in whichever way we feel expresses ourselves and our feelings for the person being hugged. Really, there's no need to try to emulate how anyone else hugs one way or the other.
I think it's a stereotype that men don't hug. I'm Italian...we hug everyone. Men, women, dogs...doesn't matter. But I would agree on the manner. Woman are more genuine. Men always want to give you that pat on the back. Kinda like I really don't enjoy this so lets just get it over with. Also the force of the pat on the back is proportional to how alpha the male is. Same as with the hand shake grip.
Quote from: JulieC. on March 27, 2014, 08:17:11 AM
I think it's a stereotype that men don't hug. I'm Italian...we hug everyone. Men, women, dogs...doesn't matter. But I would agree on the manner. Woman are more genuine. Men always want to give you that pat on the back. Kinda like I really don't enjoy this so lets just get it over with. Also the force of the pat on the back is proportional to how alpha the male is. Same as with the hand shake grip.
Well me and my guy friends do that we do that back pat or the hand grip and then snap and we definately mean it, Its just that hugging a guy like how we as boys would hug a girl is alittle weird. And its also society me and my dad do the same thing sometimes.
I am a hugger. People who knew me before still give me full on hugs. I don't think a male/female thing. It's more what you are comfortable with.
Never thought about it before but I believe the difference is that women bend in form the waist more - it's hard to get close otherwise if there are two pair of double-Ds between you! ;) The more ample the bosom, the more waist bend as boob-squish is hardly comfortable. When hugging a guy, of course, that isn't a problem and I suspect guys like to feel boob-squish LOL!
Quote from: Pikachu on March 24, 2014, 12:43:33 PM
... hugging is kind of a girl thing entirely, where I come from. Guys don't hug.
Well, I'm going to blow your mind - where I come from, men not only hug, they kiss too (on the cheek). Top that!
Sadly, this in no way causes increased lgbt acceptance.
QuoteWell, I'm going to blow your mind - where I come from, men not only hug, they kiss too (on the cheek). Top that!
I'm not trying to top that. It's not all that uncommon in a lot of places and I think it's a wonderful tradition.
I have some friends (a family) that whenever one of the children leaves they always exchange I love you and there is a little kiss on the lips. When mom gives the son or daughter the kiss I think that's nice. Shouldn't all families have that show of love for one another? But when I saw dad kiss his son on the lips I thought whoa...that's weird! After some reflection I realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. A dad kissed his son and told him he loved him. Although I would like to think I am completely open minded I can get caught up in societies outdated traditions and social customs too. When I grew up dads didn't kiss their kids in public much and definitely not on the lips. They did however hit them in public. At least that has changed.
Something seems a little wrong where it is more acceptable to see two men beat each other senseless on TV than it is to see them kiss.
I never thought about male/female hugging, but I am sure that according to most definitions I hug like a girl. I love to hug and share affection for my friends through it (I even hug trees. Freaking hippie that I am! LOL!) and a 'half hearted' or quick hug is no real hug for me, lol. Whenever I hug someone, I try to hug them as if I hold my parents or a loved one, etc. and give them some REAL warmth. If that's feminine... if being nice, and open, and caring is feminine, well, then I am just a feminine guy. ::) lol
OK! So...after my EXTENSIVE research during the week (Read as: Looking at lots of videos and images of different hugs, stalking friends and trying to figure out the differences) I came to a number of conclusions re: differences in gender hugs.
DISCLAIMER!: All the analysis below is completely subjective and is most likely completely twisted by the researcher's own bizzare situations, unique peer group and specific circumstances. "Danniella Research Incorporated" takes no responsibility for any awkward moments, strange looks or grievous bodily harm incurred during the execution or employment of the conclusions/guidelines listed below.Men
- Hug signalled/initiated with wide arms in "Y" shape, like you are trying to hug OVER the recipients shoulders/arms (aggressive/dominant body language?)
- Overtly audible silly noises, making it VERY clear that you are having a hug, and that it is all in jest. Lots of "Oaaaarghs!" and "Hoooyeah!" (Primitive vocal posturing? Or subconscious indicator to the surrounding people that this is an "unpleasant but necessary" procedure?)
- Arms folded across each other's backs firmly, vertically, or at an angle, so long as there is as little gap between your hands as possible
- Heads must attempt to be placed on each other's shoulders, even undertaking extreme neck straining in an attempt to keep the head as close to the recipient's shoulders as possible, but the faces NEVER TOUCH!
- Back slapping and/or continual conversation/laughing etc for the duration of the hug, there is never a "silent" man hug!
- Eyes remain open for the duration, possibly making eye contact with other friends outside of the hug (They never seem fully in the moment?)
- Generally short 2-3 seconds
Women
- Hugs initiated with lowered elbows held close to your torso and arms in more of an "L" shape (side profile) in front of you, you are trying to go UNDER the recipients arms, rather than over them, (natural indication of passive/submissiveness? Needs more research)
- Audio levels much reduced and softened, "Awww" or "Mhhh" s are common
- Arms are normally positioned with an upwards angle, so that the palms of the your hands are resting on the recipients shoulder blades
- Head normally pressed sideways against the chest or side of the face of the recipient (Depending on recipient's height). Cheek to cheek is common. (Makes sense, men tend to avoid face contact)
- Back rubbing or light squeezing
- Eyes close during the hug, (Implications of greater enjoyment of the actual physicality/feeling of the hug?)
- Longer hugs, around 5 seconds on average
I could be spouting COMPLETE gibberish ofc...but that's my observations so far :)
Using these guidelines I executed what my research concluded to be a more "feminine" hug, with good success to both male and female recipients.
The same person who last week said I still had a "dude hug" was apparently taken aback, commenting on "How crazy quickly you adapt".
So I call that a success ;)
I recently heard "Lola" by the Kinks, and I'm completely in love with that song now.
This whole thread reminds me of a line from it:
"Well I'm not the world's most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine"
:D
I don't care if you hug me like a guy or a girl, just hug me!
I almost never hugged when I was male. It felt so awkward when I living FT and my best female friend hugged me. Now I feel completly natural giving and recieving hugs.
This post has made me so self conscious that every time I hug someone Im like
"eeer can I ask you a wierd question? what do you think about my hug?"
XDXDXDXDXDXD :-\
I notice that when guys hug, they usually give loose 'brohugs' and/or 'sidehugs' and immediately separate. Girls on the other hand usually tend to give fuller, more frontal hugs that last longer. I'm a big hugger, and trans so I've had a lot of experience xD
However, this also depends heavily on the type of person and who they're giving the hugs to. For example, an introvert might give looser hugs and separate quicker, no matter what gender. An extrovert (like me) might give longer, tighter hugs.
Guys tend to hug other guys very loosely, this usually involves some kind of patting of the back and a quick separation. Guys tend to hug girls more closely, and usually let her take the lead in the embrace. If she wants it to end quickly, he'll let her end it, if she hugs him for longer, he'll just follow. Girls usually hug other girls for a very long time and move around whilst hugging. Girls usually don't hug guys in such a fashion unless he is a close friend, and usually just separate after they feel it's appropriate.
And of course, for both genders, relation to the person you're hugging is a very big factor, a person might not hug a stranger for as long as they would hug a friend, if at all. This is just my experience.
However, I just like to say 'Screw the gender binary' and let people hug how they want 8D Of course others may not agree. But hey, I'm going full-time and still give the closest, tightest hugs I can afford xD, occasionally lifting my friends off the ground. My advice is: hug however you want as long as you feel comfortable. :)
Hugging etiquette is something I'm trying to learn. This is excellent research. I'm a talk girl, and most girls reach around the neck when they hug guys. If I hug a girl over her shoulders it's like a Sasquatch death hug.
I also have a problem with hand shaking. Traditionally females have the very weak approach, but I don't know if that applies anymore. When I meet new people, how do I shake hands? I try to be gentle,but not wimpy. It's more like reaching out and holding hands for a second.
Hugs and handshakes keep me awake at night.
To be honest, I never really thought about the difference in hugging.
I suppose yeah, a girl hug wouldn't squeeze as hard and "masculine" as a guy would, but also there's the fact that a lot of guys don't like, and therefore are bad at hugging (I love hugs btw). I guess guys probably hug more over the shoulder kind of way, while a girl would probably more wrap the arms around the individual, in almost a more upright manner with the arms. I'm not completely sure on that, but seems pretty legit to me. You can always just observe others hug. Maybe go give free hugs to strangers on the street (i've done it, it will make you smile) and notice how the girls do it compared to the guys. Your brain will just pick up, and learn the difference with very little need to think about it. Hope it helps, and congrats on the improved feminist behaviors.
PS. -hug-
My poor male friends look terrified at that moment where all the guys and girls are shaking hands/hugging goodnight. They turn to me and kinda freeze. I chuckle and stick out my hand. They will get used to it at some stage, but for now I will help them get over the discomfort.
I totally did what was earlier described as a 'bro hug' to Ms.Grace the other day. So it was only the second time we met- her first as herself and I am still in deceptacon mode... and was having a lovely closing chat- so didn't plan a hug. Lol... I ended up doing a clipped short hug and immediately felt stupid for not giving a proper girlfriends farewell hug. Doh!
Excellent, one more thing I am NOT going to re-learn. Seems like I have a very long list now. :)
(I think the gals might like to learn this one though.)
--Jay
Tell your friend you don't 'hug like a guy' you 'hug like an Amazon!'