I don't know if I'm transgender or still just a crossdresser going through a rough patch.
I've been crossdressing for nearly 21 years...I'm 33 now. Throughout the years I thought it was just a fetish. Sure, I occasionally fantasized about waking up female, but those thoughts were always short lived. 5 minutes later I'd move on and it was business as usual in my life. The idea of being a transsexual seemed so extreme, so far out there that I never really considered it a realistic possibility.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I had been looking at some very inspirational blogs on tumblr and watching MtF before-and-after inspiration videos on youtube and that just put me over the edge. I lost it. 21 years of suppressed feelings erupted! Suddenly this dyshoria has been consuming every waking thought in my head for the last 3 weeks. I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up at 3am and can't fall back to sleep because this is all I can think about. I've been spending full days sitting in front of the computer researching everything I can on the transition process.
But then reality starts to set in...
I don't want to be just any regular girl. I want to be the beautiful girl that turns heads and wows. I want to be Jenna Talackova. I want to be like those girls on youtube that transitioned very early in life and now look better than a lot of genetic females. But at age 33, I know that's not possible, and that's a low, depressing feeling. The other night I dug up my High School yearbook pictures and thought that if I had the guts to transition then, I think I would've been golden. But then I went in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror and hated how much more masculine my face has become over the years since then. I think I'd rather remain male than be unpassable.
Additionally, transitioning seems like such a long, difficult, expensive, awkward, embarrassing, painful, and challenging process! Hundreds of hours getting painful electrolysis. Therapy sessions, Countless other doctor visits. Months spent trying sometimes unsuccessfully to develop a female voice. Awkwardness at work - fear of getting laid off and being unable to find a new job because you can't pass yet. The list goes on and on. I should probably also mention that I'm unemployed, broke, and living with my parents again. So yeah, I probably couldn't do this even if I wanted to.
I just don't know what to do. I keep having all these conflicting feelings about whether or not to transition. One minute I want to do it, then the next I feel discouraged again. Part of me just wants to sweep this back under the rug and hope for the best going forward. Because right now my life right now is pretty simple. Obviously not perfect because of this whole gender identity issue, but up until 3 weeks ago, the crossdressing thing seemed like a suitable band-aid solution that was working.
I know I should probably see a gender therapist, but being unemployed even makes that a challenge. *sigh* :(
Ihave pretty similar bouts of depressive feelings. Where you realize how much time you lost on the sollution that you didnt consider before recently. Realizing the length of your new path and regretting how you didnt see it sooner. Its fairly normal for mtfs to have these thoughts. Gender dysphoria from what ive read, is progressive, and only gets more intense as you get older. Its possible it stayed manageable till recently and then the intensity popped up higher than cross dressing could alleviate for you.
Now onto the dreams of being the most beautiful head turning woman ever, im sure i have those at times too, but i know for a fact that its better off to be more average looking. No excessive scrutiny, no excessive gawking, nobody trying to dig up your past to throw in your face.
The majority of women aren't these women you describe. Why not just settle for a normal, plain jane type of sweet girl next door. The goal is being female, or as close as possible to that, not to look better than cis girls.
After two experiments at transitioning in my early 20's I settled on talking myself into being a CD. Back 30-40 years ago TS's were rare. At 6ft tall, big boned, deep voiced, I stood out. I learned very early in life that standing out was a very bad thing. I was not going to volunteer a lifetime of being a target. No way could I have my dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Being beautiful wasn't even thought about. So it was always real easy for reality to set in about transitioning. After a while those thoughts eventually faded. After 30 years you can get really good at stuffing.
A few years back I hit the wall big time after yet another major life disaster. After much self reflection I realized most of these disasters had a root cause of me and my GD. A very well entrenched male life along with plenty of responsibilities and promises to live up to meant forget about transitioning. Not that I was even going there. Been there done that. Besides being well over 30 year older and balder. About the only helpfull thing that changed I was 1 inch closer to my goal height of 5'4".
After a lot more self work, a great TG support group with not just loving, accepting, and helping, but some inspirational members, plus some therapy for all my accumulated baggage, I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.
One important point was my total reality check. It was my reminder to look around at others in line at the grocery store check-out. I mean really look. See "Normal" women in all shapes and sizes. In all manners of dressing. That is the only FAIR comparison that can be made. Not a comparison to someone with an abnormal set of genes. Unless, of course, you want to set yourself for misery and failure
Quote from: Jessica15 on March 29, 2014, 01:12:38 AM
I don't want to be just any regular girl. I want to be the beautiful girl that turns heads and wows. I want to be Jenna Talackova.
Only one gal in the world gets to be Jenna Talackova.
Quote from: Jessica15 on March 29, 2014, 01:12:38 AM
Additionally, transitioning seems like such a long, difficult, expensive, awkward, embarrassing, painful, and challenging process! Hundreds of hours getting painful electrolysis. Therapy sessions, Countless other doctor visits.
Yes, that's all true. But for many it is endured for the sake of a hopefully happier life.
it is a very difficult road to go down, but you have think of how you feel inside, for me ive always felt like a woman even when I was younger, I did crossdress when I was younger but mostly at home and under my clothes, it does get worse when you get older take it from me im 32 and had a tough time with this myself, depression, alcoholism and other things I even tried smoking to make me feel better but didn't work but I also had no idea something like this even existed either I grew up as a male but never felt normal until someone asked me a very personal question and then I decided to research it online and found out something like this did exist and now im on my way to becoming a woman, therapy and have an endocrinologist appointment next week so everything is going smoothly, it can be expensive but it all depends too my insurance pays for a lot of this stuff so mostly its been very easy for me. i wouldn't get discouraged though, and everyone on here will help you with any questions you have. if you think you feel like a woman and having an emotional meltdown then you should see a therapist, sometimes just talking about it to someone who understands it will make you feel better and it does get worse when you get older anyway never feel discouraged or afraid since there are plenty of others who feel the same way.
I know exactly how you feel. If there were just a pill you could take that would make the dysphoria go away I know I'd take it. Unfortunately, you can't sweep it under the rug. Well you can for now, but it will always come back. Even when its not at the front of your mind it manifests in other negative ways. We're the same age, mine hit last year. I kept it so bottled up that while eating healthy, not excessively drinking, and being a nationally ranked triathlete, I walked into the hospital with a 246/155 blood pressure. That set off a string of self realization events. I was lucky, countless others have died without being able to deal with it. Wish you best luck.
Not gonna lie, the OP does come off as rather fetishistic.
You say you want to be 'beautiful' - but why? Why is being conventionally attractive so important? And is it more important to you than, say, actually being as female as you possibly can, without necessarily being attractive?
Because if the answer to that last question is yes, you definitely shouldn't transition.
The road of cross-dressing invariable lead to trans-sexuality... resistance is futile.... anybody who says otherwise are just rationalizing and/or in denial...
Just my opinion Ladies, do not get your panties in a scrunch
Quote from: Cassandra Hyacinth on March 29, 2014, 08:44:34 AM
Not gonna lie, the OP does come off as rather fetishistic.
You say you want to be 'beautiful' - but why? Why is being conventionally attractive so important? And is it more important to you than, say, actually being as female as you possibly can, without necessarily being attractive?
Because if the answer to that last question is yes, you definitely shouldn't transition.
The essence of womanhood is beauty... that is why I want to be beautiful...(actually I am..LOL)
i agree, its not about being beautiful anyone can be beautiful even a male can be handsome with the right hairstyle but its about how u feel inside, being beautiful is one thing but feeling not normal because you truly believe that your female is another thing, everyone wants to be molto bella (very beautiful) but its not what it is. i honestly myself don't worry about being beautiful since that's not what my feelings are, my feelings are that i am not a male inside that i feel female and when i look in the mirror i don't see myself as male since that's not who i identify as but i agree if you just want to look beautiful then you might be making a huge mistake by transitioning since that's just not what its about. i would take some time and figure out what you are truly feeling inside, do i want to be beautiful of course but its not what im striving for even if im never beautiful it doesn't matter since ill feel normal when i change into a woman.
Beauty for me would just be a plus. Idc what happens as long as i feel without a doubt a woman and when i walk outside people without a doubt know im a damn proud girl who loves herself as her.
Well just cuz it's a fetish doesn't mean you can't transition, it sounds like a lot of MTFs have a sexual component to their transition. Whether it is worth it or not is up to you... nobody can tell you the answer.
Most of us wanted to look like super-models or movie stars. >:-)
It does happen for a few of us, and some of the girls even found exceptional beauty at an older age. But my reality is that of a tall old woman who's less than average, but I discovered I'm very confident in who I am. And oh yes, I found how incredibly happy my "Authentic Life" has made me.
Success in who you are is just in being you, and not needing more. Please talk to a Gender Therapist and seriously discuss the questions about your life. You'll be surprised at how good it makes you feel to open up to someone who understands and wants to help.
HUGS.
Quote from: kathyk on March 30, 2014, 11:56:04 AM
Most of us wanted to look like super-models or movie stars. >:-)
I don't know if I ever wanted / want this... While of course I want to be passing along with pretty and reasonably attractive. I am not striving for the super-model or movie star look. I more just want to be a regular women... The super-model or movie star look just seems to high maintenance for me. And lets face it there is already enough maintenance just looking like a women.
I have no sexual interest in women or femininity so it might not be relevant but people constantly tell me I look like a super model and I don't get what would make you happy about that.. It just means people aren't seeing or caring who you really are. :/
One thing I have found over the years is a similarity in history between myself and others. Here are a few details about me. I began life as what can best be called a CDer myself. Short of some occasional dressing up in my childhood, I could say I started in earnest when I was about 14. That's when I got up the guts to buy some underwear which I wore under my clothes. Then it was jeans and tops. Then I topped it off with a wig. By the time I was 18 I was already living a secret life in the shadows, only coming out at night. I didn't know anything about "the community" or anyone else like me in the world. I just knew I was freakish and left it at that.
I tried a bunch of things to make it stop, tried to toughen myself up, I even tried religion (which I thankfully extracted myself from that very quickly). I tried to make a life for myself, but it kept getting worse. I even tried joining a CDing club thinking that a night out a week would be fine. What I found out was that for certain I was not a CD. I wasn't comfortable being a man or worse wearing a dress, makeup and a handbag hanging around with other CDers who were afraid to be outside because their lives would be over and wanting to talk about football in a dress. I wanted to be out and about, not just once in a while, but all the time. When I was in the club it was the first time in my I had ever met a TS in real life, and it was a wow moment for me. If I could have traded places with her I would have done it in an instant.
As a few more years passed I would buy some clothes and wear them at home, in the house. I had a perfect fix or so I thought, I would work myself to death. I worked long long hours, day after day, losing all of my social contacts in the process, but my gender didn't bother me or so I thought. In the end though, my little world came crashing down on me in 1999. That was when I had my meltdown. I can remember the day when I came to work, sat at my desk and literally felt like a zombie. People could have asked me questions that day but I didn't hear anything. It was as if I wasn't even alive. It was then I knew what I needed to do. But how? Up until then I figure that TS's were born with perfect bone structure and perfect figures. I had never stopped to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I said many of the same things, man I have a butt ugly face, what kind of ugly chick would I make? I have no figure and no a** what kind of chick looks like a broom handle?
It took me a little while to figure it out, surgical options, electrolysis, hormones, the standards of care. Off I went. There was scant little information in 1999. My guide back then was tsroadmap.com which was nothing more than a few pages back then. The transitioning process is expensive with or without insurance. I will say this, you get out what you put in. If you don't put in much, then don't expect a favorable outcome. Even if SRS is covered by insurance, very little else will be, and that rest part? It's the tens of thousands of dollars. In the beginning this stuff all seems like mission impossible. It just can't be done. Telling doctors, endo, shrinks, surgeons...being poked and prodded like a lab animal for the ability to take hormone pills and have an operation. But so what, I did it and I'm still here to talk about it. Along the way I met a few other successfully transitioned transwomen, including even Marci Bowers before she took over for Dr Biber. I got great advice and kept my head screwed on straight, and came out the other end of the sex change sausage machine whole and complete.
My goal for myself was simple: I myself didn't want to be beautiful, I wanted to blend in and disappear in a crowd. That person that would never be suspected of being trans. That meant avoiding the spotlight and the attention of men (which is not easy when one is a woman). To me blending in involved lots of electrolysis, 2 rounds of surgery on my face (forehead, nose and trachea shave first) and (jaw reshaping second), teeth whitening and extreme teeth care (I wanted a nice smile), dermabrasion on my face (so that I could have a soft smooth complexion), hair care (growing out hair is a pain and takes a long time), facials, nail care and countless hours of voice training. In the end my goal was to be able to go out without wearing much makeup and without a lot of preparation needed. That's when I considered myself to be authentic.
So here I am today. I have been living full time as a female for somewhere around 15 years now and post-op 11 years. All of what I did confirmed a single truth I had suspected about me my entire life, that I should have been born a girl. My transition proved that to my satisfaction and left in place of a zombie man, a living breathing happy woman. Hope that helps!
yes it helps. you did what you had to do. Now that I'm transitioning and I look back on my life all I can say is yes I should of been born female.
Is transitioning the answer ?
it is a brutal road. and at the pinnacle of transitioning is too look like a woman. and what then live happily ever after? or wave a magic wand turning you into a genetic female.
the jenna talachovas make it look so easy. with her fake boobs and hormone blockers. and acting like their lives are so much better now. wow so she can have intercourse with a man now
I know quite a few who have fully transitioned and their lives are worse, ruined families, strange health problems ie: estrogen does increase blood cholesterol and can cause or make worse gallstones. Also regret depression .
pre op is reversible post op is virtually irreversible. detransitioning is a monumental undertaking.
as time goes on maybe the desire to cd will lessen . that's what happened to me until one of my electrologists found out I was TG then pushed the issue. >:-)
ZumbaGirl, great post. Your pre-transition behavior sounds all too common. Very courageous of you to actually do something about it back in the early days of the "net".
Quote from: victoria n on March 30, 2014, 07:18:49 PM
I know quite a few who have fully transitioned and their lives are worse, ruined families, strange health problems ie: estrogen does increase blood cholesterol and can cause or make worse gallstones. Also regret depression .
pre op is reversible post op is virtually irreversible. detransitioning is a monumental undertaking.
as time goes on maybe the desire to cd will lessen . that's what happened to me until one of my electrologists found out I was TG then pushed the issue. >:-)
I also worry about it making my life worse. Like I said in my original post, aside from this gender issue, my life is pretty simple and that's the way I like it. But at the same time, many people have confirmed what I suspected...brushing this issue back under the rug usually doesn't work. It's scary to think this might just become more and more progressive until eventually there's no other option but to transition. Then I'll probably be cursing at myself for not having done it when I was younger (now).
Quote from: Jessica15 on March 31, 2014, 12:16:30 AM
ZumbaGirl, great post. Your pre-transition behavior sounds all too common. Very courageous of you to actually do something about it back in the early days of the "net".
I also worry about it making my life worse. Like I said in my original post, aside from this gender issue, my life is pretty simple and that's the way I like it. But at the same time, many people have confirmed what I suspected...brushing this issue back under the rug usually doesn't work. It's scary to think this might just become more and more progressive until eventually there's no other option but to transition. Then I'll probably be cursing at myself for not having done it when I was younger (now).
Exactly ;)
Quote from: Jessica15 on March 31, 2014, 12:16:30 AM
I also worry about it making my life worse. Like I said in my original post, aside from this gender issue, my life is pretty simple and that's the way I like it. But at the same time, many people have confirmed what I suspected...brushing this issue back under the rug usually doesn't work. It's scary to think this might just become more and more progressive until eventually there's no other option but to transition. Then I'll probably be cursing at myself for not having done it when I was younger (now).
I can't say I have a major regret over not transitioning back in my 20's. I have no doubt my life would have been far far worse. I was far from mature and emotionally prepared for handling it. And things were a LOT more hostile towards us in the late 70's early 80's. Essentially if you could not pass 100% and be deep stealth, well.... you sure couldn't be just like any other woman. Today I know if I come to that fork in the road, I will take it. Not run away like I did back then
Quote from: Jessica15 on March 29, 2014, 01:12:38 AM
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I had been looking at some very inspirational blogs on tumblr and watching MtF before-and-after inspiration videos on youtube and that just put me over the edge. I lost it. 21 years of suppressed feelings erupted! Suddenly this dyshoria has been consuming every waking thought in my head for the last 3 weeks. I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up at 3am and can't fall back to sleep because this is all I can think about. I've been spending full days sitting in front of the computer researching everything I can on the transition process.
But then reality starts to set in...
I don't want to be just any regular girl. I want to be the beautiful girl that turns heads and wows. I want to be Jenna Talackova. I want to be like those girls on youtube that transitioned very early in life and now look better than a lot of genetic females. But at age 33, I know that's not possible, and that's a low, depressing feeling. The other night I dug up my High School yearbook pictures and thought that if I had the guts to transition then, I think I would've been golden. But then I went in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror and hated how much more masculine my face has become over the years since then. I think I'd rather remain male than be unpassable.
Though I don't have any words of wisdom, I can say I am going through the exact same thing at this very moment. It all erupted for me over the last two weeks and sleep has become difficult, and staying motivated to work, etc. etc. It's really tough, and it's because, as you said, the decision is monumental, and the idea of being unpassable is so terrifying (for me). I understand what you mean about beauty, but I think for me it's about knowing you're feminine (because femininity is beautiful), and about blending in as a woman (thus being truly feminine, to match how you feel on the inside). Not clearly be 'a male in a dress' trying to pass (not that I'd probably wear dresses, unless they were
really pretty :P). I hope you start to regain some clarity, maybe by seeing a therapist? (that's what I'm planning on doing as soon as possible, as it's becoming tough to juggle this in my head all the time)
i don't really have any other advice but you need to find a way to make yourself happy, if transitioning will make you happy then go for it, but there are other options my therapist told me that there are some that are just confused about there gender and he knows im not though since ive felt this way since I was 6. I would do what I did and research about it first since that's what I did, I researched about transgender and transsexual to find out if I was really what I am today and came to find out that I am and I felt much more comfortable knowing that I am and I have no worries about myself since I'm a really strong person and can take whatever gets thrown at me back when I was younger it was harder to cope with it and I have used alcohol for this and antidepressants which messed me up a lot and even then I still wasn't happy because while I was on them I wanted to drink alcohol which I knew there was a problem I was I think 22 but at the time I didn't know something like this existed I knew I was different but couldn't put my finger on it since I knew nothing of it and actually at the time I didn't have a computer so really had no clue about it til I was 27 and then everything started to fit together. its not an easy thing by any means but just to be beautiful shouldn't be what you should be striving for. I'm not saying that I don't want to be because I do but then again all that attention is not good for myself and ive never really was the kind of person who craves for attention but at least if I look decent and pass as a woman then that's all is good for me, everyone has different standards and what they want in life, but the most thing is that you need to be happy and if you're not because you feel like the opposite gender then you should go to therapy and see what they say since it could be that you are transgendered, confused or a crossdresser but either way talking to someone about it will make you feel more comfortable and happy since you can finally get it off your chest and not hold it inside forever.
I would like to add a little bit more to my previous post. Irregardless of how my life would turn out, I couldn't stand living a double life and hating my life for what it was, unfullfilled. By the time I got into therapy I was already transitioning (popping illegal hormones, doing electrolysis, growing out my hair and getting myself in top shape for the physical changes to come). There was no going back for me. I decided to cross the bridge and burn it behind me, not because I was afraid I would de-transition, but as a show of defiance that there was only one way to go. The only thing therapy did for me was helping with the legal aspect of the transition, name and gender changes and of course those letters and recommendations. So basically by the time I got to the point of finding a therapist my mind was already made up.
Now whatever works for you is your solution. I like many others had to sacrifice some things and a few setbacks, but in the end, it doesn't seem like much. I learned to not only make lifes lemonade but I found out in the process I loved doing it. If one walks into this knowing that it takes a plan A and a plan B, money, time and a lot of effort, and keeping your head screwed on straight, then you can also come out the other end whole as well. In some cases it may mean walking away from people in your life, maybe close people, forever. I haven't talked to my parents in almost 20 years now, we are basically strangers. It's sad, but that's the way it has to be.
Like I said in my original post, you only get out what you put in. I wouldn't trade being a 100% female, 100% of the time for anything. There is just no price I can put on it.
Quote from: Jessica15 on March 29, 2014, 01:12:38 AM
I don't know if I'm transgender or still just a crossdresser going through a rough patch.
I've been crossdressing for nearly 21 years...I'm 33 now. Throughout the years I thought it was just a fetish. Sure, I occasionally fantasized about waking up female, but those thoughts were always short lived. 5 minutes later I'd move on and it was business as usual in my life. The idea of being a transsexual seemed so extreme, so far out there that I never really considered it a realistic possibility.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I had been looking at some very inspirational blogs on tumblr and watching MtF before-and-after inspiration videos on youtube and that just put me over the edge. I lost it. 21 years of suppressed feelings erupted! Suddenly this dyshoria has been consuming every waking thought in my head for the last 3 weeks. I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up at 3am and can't fall back to sleep because this is all I can think about. I've been spending full days sitting in front of the computer researching everything I can on the transition process.
But then reality starts to set in...
I don't want to be just any regular girl. I want to be the beautiful girl that turns heads and wows. I want to be Jenna Talackova. I want to be like those girls on youtube that transitioned very early in life and now look better than a lot of genetic females. But at age 33, I know that's not possible, and that's a low, depressing feeling. The other night I dug up my High School yearbook pictures and thought that if I had the guts to transition then, I think I would've been golden. But then I went in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror and hated how much more masculine my face has become over the years since then. I think I'd rather remain male than be unpassable.
Additionally, transitioning seems like such a long, difficult, expensive, awkward, embarrassing, painful, and challenging process! Hundreds of hours getting painful electrolysis. Therapy sessions, Countless other doctor visits. Months spent trying sometimes unsuccessfully to develop a female voice. Awkwardness at work - fear of getting laid off and being unable to find a new job because you can't pass yet. The list goes on and on. I should probably also mention that I'm unemployed, broke, and living with my parents again. So yeah, I probably couldn't do this even if I wanted to.
I just don't know what to do. I keep having all these conflicting feelings about whether or not to transition. One minute I want to do it, then the next I feel discouraged again. Part of me just wants to sweep this back under the rug and hope for the best going forward. Because right now my life right now is pretty simple. Obviously not perfect because of this whole gender identity issue, but up until 3 weeks ago, the crossdressing thing seemed like a suitable band-aid solution that was working.
I know I should probably see a gender therapist, but being unemployed even makes that a challenge. *sigh* :(
Well.....................33 too old, hmmmm, let me think as I was 43 when I attempted my failed departure from this world and then simply couldn't go on in status quo.
You are still young given not as fresh as 18 year old but then not as old as some who transition well.
Who doesn't want to be a runway model, but then, do you wanna be an image of, or a real thing, just as any woman out there, chances are you will be beautiful in your own way.
CrossDressing is Transgender, but it may or may not be Transsexual.
Therapy is a foundation of figuring out your SELF, without it you shall be lost in the world of ifs. Therapy with Transgender fluent therapist only as others may actually make it worst. Most therapist work on the sliding scale, so if you make nothing they should charge a very minimum hourly pay, they are there to save lives, look for one who will accept your offer.
My PHD psychologist charged $75/hour, but due to my circumstances she took $45/hour, and in the process saved my life!!!
And final note, when I started at age 44 I knew that the outcome may never get close to innate looking woman, given the reality of my hyper masculinity, body building past, and height of 6'1", I only dreamed of the day I would walk the walk.
But I never stopped dreaming, and now after only 4 years, reality had surpassed even the most wild dreams.
Given I had an FFS with a master of face feminization, I not only work, interact, and being seen as a native to female gender, but I also model, yes, model as a woman.
Do not give in to the reality which surrounds you, YOU are the one who makes reality, and dreams are the thoughts which if persevered, turn into such reality.
But don't be fooled, pain and anguish will become your daily companion, and to come out beautiful and whole, you first must walk straight into hells gates with hope of surviving this voyage to emerge on the other side.