I realize that very few people will care about this post and most people see me as a negative drama queen (please click off this post if you feel this way as this thread won't change your mind), but for those who do care, I'd like to share. The past two weeks I haven't been around here for a few reasons. Some have reached out to me and asked me what's up. I'm sorry that I've shut almost all of you out, but I haven't been in the mood to open myself up as I usually do here. However, because I feel some of you deserve an answer and I feel the need to get things off my chest, I'm going to post about what a loser I am and why this site has been both blessing and a curse for me. Please understand that this is a very perssonal post and proably one of my most important ones in my own eyes, but I'm also feeling very emotional and as such it is a very big mess in terms of it's structure. Please forgive that aspect of it, even if the content deserves judgment in it's own way.
Let me start with my pre-transition self and before I came to this place. About a year ago, I was in the worst shape of my life both physically and emotionally. I would spend every day doing legal but powerful substances to numb my feelings and would lay down all day doing nothing. Not only was I a non-productive addict, I was a complete lard ass (I was 250 pounds at my worst). Food was my friend and I would eat as a way to suppress my feelings. Rather than allowing my body or mind to blossom, I sook out to destroy it. At this stage of my life, I decided I had to finally transition to stop my self destruction. I had to finally allow myself to start living and accepting who I am. For the most part, I've been on a fairly positive path. Much of where I started is a blur and my life is continously improving. That isn't just for transitioning, but some painful work in therapy and opening myself up to much needed changes. In a way, being a part of this community, no family, has enabled these changes and allowed LTL to florish.
I just want everyone here to know that I value you. Some it's for your wise words and compassion, some it's for motivational or inspirational purposes, some it's just letting me be a friend or being one to me, some it's for giving me a needed kick in the ass. And some are a little of all. However, you all gave me the chance to be me, Mattie, in a forum without needing to be ashamed. Sure, most of you I will never meet or speak with outside of this place. It may sound odd to hear someone speak so highly of "strangers", but to me the openness here goes beyond us all being strangers. In my eyes, it makes us all part of a twisted or odd family. I do care about and value many of you for being yourself and allowing the same for me. And while my posts directed towards others may seem fake or overly positive, I always say what I mean and do care about people here even if that help is limited through a forum. I know all that sounds, especially considering the fact that my privacy is very important and I have refused to speak or meet with some of you in person that have requested such a meeting but I've always tried to be as supportive and caring as I can despite my admitted limitations with those I don't have a strong relationship with.
It may sound pathetic or weird, but I love you all. Seriously, I do. For the past year, this forum was the only place where I could be me. That's not to say I'm very different in my real life (not really to be honest other than being more open and less reserved) but I don't have to be as fearful or scared to be myself here as I feel in the real world. It's allowed personal growth for me as I didn't need to feel anxiety before being or expressing myself which is how I feel in real life. In a way, that made this family more special and meaningful than many of my relationships in my real life. You let me be myself and for the most part embraced her. That's been one of the greatest gifts I've had. I'm truly grateful for it and that's why I love each and everyone of you that makes this "place" what it is (even those of us who never found a way to get along). I realize that this will sound hollow to many and most will see me as a huge fake, but I do mean this. In fact, this is one of the most important posts I've ever made here. Not only did you allow Mattie to exist as the girl she is without shame or needing to reserve her feelings, but you helped her find some inner strength and pride in being trans. Even though she constantly fights with being trans, being part of an openly trans community allowed her to have a sense of belonging to something she's continously had self hatred for. Taking all the pain that others feel about themselves and their situation and finding ways to help other people grow and cope also helped this girl find a cure for herself. It allowed her to feel her own pain indirectly and help nurture that person. I've poured my entire soul into this site for quite some time, and it's never occurred to me as to why. Hell, I'm the most shy person you'll ever encounter. I rarely talk on the phone, hang out with people who I don't know very well, and things like facebook terrify me. Yet, here on susan;s, you all needed to know every intimate detail about me, You had to understand me. Why? What did it mean? I guess I still don't undertand this, but I do feel it's been therapeutic and I can't help but share everything in this one avenue where I feel I can be myself without shame or feeling I must be reserved.
However, after thinking things over and doing careful reflection, I was ready to leave this site and am under consideration about doing just this. Not in hostility but rather thinking that the site had lost the healthy function it once was to me. Instead of using it to begin my transition, I became overly attached and relied on it for my ability to socialize freely as female. Yes, having it as a supportive environment is great, but it became the only supportive environment I had and have. I became so attached that this site was not only loved by me, it was seen as a neccesity. Part of me became sad and felt like a loser in that I'm overly dependent on this site and lack any real life venues to alleviate my dysphoria. As though I need the site to make it through this period of my life. Sometimes getting inspired or finding ways to cope with this all (which this site helps with) is great, but am I really ever going to over come my drama/issues? Or does this site and my hopes to one day live the life I want only pacify and lure me into a false sense that I'll be able to make it through everything when in reality I won't? Am I really improving myself or am I just stalling from taking on what I really need to do? Yes, the site can give great advice and help many of us, but what sort of loser am I for having this as my only supportive element in my life? As though it's helping me cope with my current situation rather than being the cataylst for the changes I need. What does that as well as my attachment to this site really say about me?
More to the point, the main issue I have about being here is that many started to view me as a toxic element of the site. I began to feel more negative here and realized that I am more triggering to others than helpful. Why should I be here if all I do is cause hurt and pain? It's one thing if the site was helpful to me and if I was also a positive force on it, but it seems that neither are true. Even though I never desired to cause hurt feelings or make other people upset, I've had this impact on many people. For that, I'm truly sorry as I do care about how other people feel. You may say that I'm overly senstive and that I care too much, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel this way. I can't help these feeling as it's a big part of who I am. And realizing that I'm a negative aspect on this site for quite a few people has caused me to feel a lot of pain and back away. I realize that not everyone can like you, but when you become a part of someone else"s triggering or you make them dysphoric in some way, it's hard to ignore that. I can't help it but I feel like the site loser as well as one of the "bad" members who always hurts other people on here. What right do I have to be here? Even if the sad part is that I need this site to make it through everything, I'm hurting other people in the process. My presence is unacceptable if it does this.
Lastly, I need to point out that I'm never going to meet the standards of any one else. For most of my life, I've always cared about what others thought about me. In fact, your feelings about me mattered more than my own did. Many of you may have noticed that this attitude would manifest in some of my actions on the site (sometimes in bizarre ways). If you thought LTL was something, I needed to either live up to your expectation or alter it so you thought something positive. Look, I'm no one special nor am I the worst person to grace this earth. I'm a flawed person, but a human being none the less. One with strengths as well as many weaknesses. And you know what.... I like her. No, I love her or at least trying to do just that. I'm being true to myself and while it's taking time to get where I want to be, I'm finally starting to let her live in my own way. Some of you will hate how I move forward or some of my past actions. That's okay. At the end of the day, it's our own life to lead and we are the one's who should dictate our own paths. Sometimes that can frustrate others who think it should be led a different way, but it's not their life. It's my life to lead as I see fit and it's my choice to percieve my transition in my own way as well as execute everything in my own way. Sometimes though, the criticism or judgement of others, even if well meaning, can get me down. I realize those with a critical view to share with me have some big points and don't intend for me to leave with hurt feelings. Likely they want to help and are cheering for me to make it through everything, but sometimes it just upsets me. Quite frankly, I know that I need to stop being such a fraidy cat about being myself and go out and build the life I want other than making this the only place I can socialize as female. Yeah, I fail to push the button for many reasons, but it's not like I want to be like this anymore. I just feel so depressed and helpless at times and having clinical depression and anxiety issues only add on to everything. To be honest, the desire to just end everything, at times, sounds so much more tempting than trying to take on all these challenging and difficult aspects of transitioning that I've been avoiding. Maybe they will be rewarding once I get through them, but I really don't know if I can ever be strong enough to get there and I'm crippled by my emotional issues. Sometimes coming on here makes me feel a little better and helps me continue on when I feel like giving up on life and ending my meaningless existence, but at other times I feel my openess give people more room to judge me for my many shortcomings more than anything. Again, not anyones fault that I feel this way as most want to help even when sharing criticism, but sometimes I leave feeling worse about myself, especially when I know that my presence has made someone else's day worse or has caused them a sense of dysphoria.
The fact is I do care about what others think and sometimes I feel my openness leaves more room for judement and criticism about my life in ways that I'm really not always up for. I feel more awkward about sharing and less able to reach out. I feel stiffled about sharing my feelings. Plus, I have to be extra careful about hurting or offending other people by simply just being myself. And besides not wanting to be a negative force for others, I really don't want everyone to see me as the huge loser or screw up that I am. To be honest, despite the flattery some will give in response to this, I realize the majority are either rolling their eyes or saying "is this psycho bitch serious" when reading most of my posts. I tend to rub most people the wrong way in some capacity even if some don't openly express it or try to avoid saying what they really think. When you know that's how most view you and you are constantly under this form of evaluation when sharing intimate details or pouring your soul onto this forum, everything just seems counter productive. Why even do it? I really don't know anymore, but I do know that I feel like a loser and failure in other people's eyes because of the difficulties I have with everything. It's not a good feeling, but I can't help but feel there is a lot of truth in that. When you care a lot about what everyone thinks about you and the answer usually isn't good, it's a bit of a heartbreaking feeling. To know that you cause other people annoyance or pain is such a difficult thing to come to terms with.
In any event, I'm truly grateful for the support I've received, some of the helpful feedback I've gotten (whether it be critical or not), and some of the great friendships that I've made while being on here; however, I don't know if I really belong here anymore or if this site is healthy for me and whether I'm healthy for it. So, this post isn't so much a goodbye, but rather a I don't know if I belong here anymore and don't know how I should proceed while feeling this way. To be honest, it would be heart breaking for me to leave, but I get the feeling that I'm dong more harm than good here for everyone else and myself. Nonetheless, I love each and everyone of you for various reasons and thank you for helping me through such a difficult and complicated phase of my life. It's more appreciated than you can imagine and if I could hug each and everyone of you, I would. Thank you for being there this past year. It means more than you know.
With love,
Mattie
Mattie, you already know how I feel, through the correspondence we've shared privately.
Nothing's changed with that.
You are a valuable member here. Not just because what you share about yourself, but because you choose to be there for others. Even when it's something you don't have personal experience of. You go out of your way to make sure people don't feel alone, and they have someone who will be in their corner, so to speak.
No matter what you do in life, it is not possible to have everyone feel the way you want them to feel. People go through their own issues, and that colours the way they behave here. I'm constantly surprised at the different personas people take on here. Who they want to be seen as, you know? Often it is entirely different to the person I thought they were.
But that's besides the point.
You do belong here. For as long as you feel you need to be here. I know that what other people think matters an immense amount to you, Mattie. But, sweetie, you HAVE to let that go. Not just here, but in life, too. The only person whose opinion of you matters... is your own. Folks here are all dealing with their own issues in life, too. Sometimes many of the same ones you're dealing with yourself. That has an effect. People behave in different ways.
I'm not going to go over old ground. (Go read my emails again! :P) But you are needed here, sweetie. And wanted. Whether it's healthy or not... that's something for you to decide. Not for anyone to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. People need support in their lives. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. And there are people willing to offer it. Quite aside from what you offer yourself.
I know it's incredibly hard to do, Mattie, but don't take what people say to heart, okay? Focus on the good. On the friends you've made. The lives you've touched. And all the good you can still do.
You are worth far, FAR more than you think you are. You remind me so much of me.
Do what you need to do, sweetie. But also remember... you have touched people who won't forget. *megahuggles*
Quote from: Sephirah on March 30, 2014, 12:08:15 PM
Mattie, you already know how I feel, through the correspondence we've shared privately.
Nothing's changed with that.
You are a valuable member here. Not just because what you share about yourself, but because you choose to be there for others. Even when it's something you don't have personal experience of. You go out of your way to make sure people don't feel alone, and they have someone who will be in their corner, so to speak.
No matter what you do in life, it is not possible to have everyone feel the way you want them to feel. People go through their own issues, and that colours the way they behave here. I'm constantly surprised at the different personas people take on here. Who they want to be seen as, you know? Often it is entirely different to the person I thought they were.
But that's besides the point.
You do belong here. For as long as you feel you need to be here. I know that what other people think matters an immense amount to you, Mattie. But, sweetie, you HAVE to let that go. Not just here, but in life, too. The only person whose opinion of you matters... is your own. Folks here are all dealing with their own issues in life, too. Sometimes many of the same ones you're dealing with yourself. That has an effect. People behave in different ways.
I'm not going to go over old ground. (Go read my emails again! :P) But you are needed here, sweetie. And wanted. Whether it's healthy or not... that's something for you to decide. Not for anyone to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. People need support in their lives. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. And there are people willing to offer it. Quite aside from what you offer yourself.
I know it's incredibly hard to do, Mattie, but don't take what people say to heart, okay? Focus on the good. On the friends you've made. The lives you've touched. And all the good you can still do.
You are worth far, FAR more than you think you are. You remind me so much of me.
Do what you need to do, sweetie. But also remember... you have touched people who won't forget. *megahuggles*
Seph, you are a dear friend and everything you say is greatly appreciated. It's very true that I need to stop caring about what others think about me, but let's be honest. Most people have a poor perception of me in some capacity. Think about it, when it comes down to it, the only person that would really care if I left is you..... well, other than myself. To everyone else, I'm either an annoying drama queen or someone that spreads negative vibes on the site. It's been the antithesis of why I go on and post, yet there is no denying that it's been my overall impact here. The difference between you and I is that people see you as a positive force. Most people want you around and care to have you here. The same can't be said for me. And I'm not putting that on anyone else, as the only person to blame for that is myself. It's the result of my own shortcomings and failures as a person. I accept total responsibility for my screwups and the fact that I've hurt many other members from posting on here. But knowing that's the case, it makes me less willing to open up or post when the result is someone else getting dysphoria or being triggered.
While it's true that I need to stop letting other people's thoughts about me have such a powerful hold over me, the fact is their evaluations matter. If it was the minority view or whatever, I could accept that, but it's really not. Most people that act positively towards me likely really can't stand me or roll their eyes whenever I'm around. How is that something I can just ignore or pretend doesn't exist? I don't know if I can do that. Like I said, I really do love this site and the people here, but I really fear I do more harm than good. If there were many friends that I've made, good that I've done or lives that I've touched, then I could excuse some of my shortcomings, but the fact is the good is very minimal when compared to the bad vibes I create.
And I do appreciate your thoughts that it's okay for all of us to get support, but I can't help but wonder how many people here view me as a pathetic loser. I can't help but imagine that is how most people really see me. And it hurts and makes me want to hide. Who really wants to be known as the site loser? But isn't that really what I am? Would someone that wasn't a loser post something like I just did?
Once again Seph, I appreciate everything you have to say and I know that you always speak from the heart. I have no doubt that you mean everything you say, but I don't think most people share your view. Still, I do appreciate your friendship and all the wisdom you have to share. And you make everyone feel welcome and special. You know how much that's appreciated. Plus, I'm smiling to see that you have taken on the Lulu avatar! :)
Like I said, it's really not so much of a goodbye but rather I don't know if I belong here. Maybe I will start posting again or sharing my drama, but I'm very afraid that it will upset other people or that everyone is going to think so poorly of me. I'm just being honest about how I feel. I don't know. Maybe I'll come back a little later tonight or something, I just don't know. I feel depressed and lost and like I don't really deserve or belong to be here. It's just my feeling.
I don't know what you get for PMs, but on the forum, I have seen very little of people responding to you as if you were a negative presence on the site. Most people view you as a very positive influence on the site as you can probably read on your other "leaving the site/don't belong here" posts.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 30, 2014, 01:19:33 PM
Seph, you are a dear friend and everything you say is greatly appreciated. It's very true that I need to stop caring about what others think about me, but let's be honest. Most people have a poor perception of me in some capacity. Think about it, when it comes down to it, the only person that would really care if I left is you..... well, other than myself. To everyone else, I'm either an annoying drama queen or someone that spreads negative vibes on the site. It's been the antithesis of why I go on and post, yet there is no denying that it's been my overall impact here. The difference between you and I is that people see you as a positive force. Most people want you around and care to have you here. The same can't be said for me. And I'm not putting that on anyone else, as the only person to blame for that is myself. It's the result of my own shortcomings and failures as a person. I accept total responsibility for my screwups and the fact that I've hurt many other members from posting on here. But knowing that's the case, it makes me less willing to open up or post when the result is someone else getting dysphoria or being triggered.
While it's true that I need to stop letting other people's thoughts about me have such a powerful hold over me, the fact is their evaluations matter. If it was the minority view or whatever, I could accept that, but it's really not. Most people that act positively towards me likely really can't stand me or roll their eyes whenever I'm around. How is that something I can just ignore or pretend doesn't exist? I don't know if I can do that. Like I said, I really do love this site and the people here, but I really fear I do more harm than good. If there were many friends that I've made, good that I've done or lives that I've touched, then I could excuse some of my shortcomings, but the fact is the good is very minimal when compared to the bad vibes I create.
And I do appreciate your thoughts that it's okay for all of us to get support, but I can't help but wonder how many people here view me as a pathetic loser. I can't help but imagine that is how most people really see me. And it hurts and makes me want to hide. Who really wants to be known as the site loser? But isn't that really what I am? Would someone that wasn't a loser post something like I just did?
Once again Seph, I appreciate everything you have to say and I know that you always speak from the heart. I have no doubt that you mean everything you say, but I don't think most people share your view. Still, I do appreciate your friendship and all the wisdom you have to share. And you make everyone feel welcome and special. You know how much that's appreciated. Plus, I'm smiling to see that you have taken on the Lulu avatar! :)
Like I said, it's really not so much of a goodbye but rather I don't know if I belong here. Maybe I will start posting again or sharing my drama, but I'm very afraid that it will upset other people or that everyone is going to think so poorly of me. I'm just being honest about how I feel. I don't know. Maybe I'll come back a little later tonight or something, I just don't know. I feel depressed and lost and like I don't really deserve or belong to be here. It's just my feeling.
Pffft. I'm sure there are several people who would wish I would vanish in a puff of smoke. But you know what? I dun care. Mattie, you are a positive force, too. Believe it or not, I read at least 90% of your posts (and that, for me, is a very high number). You have helped out so many folks. Be that through a kind word, a gesture of solidarity, or even just a line saying "I know how you feel, you're not alone!". Maybe some aren't here to tell you how much that matters. But take it from me, it does. I have the utmost respect for people who go above and beyond talking about themselves to offer themselves to others. I think that is a fantastic trait to have and one which will see you far in life.
Sweetie, listen. NO ONE here can claim to speak for everyone else, okay? No one. They speak for themselves and themselves alone. However one person may feel, that absolutely does not extrapolate to how everyone else feels. Don't take one comment as a reflection on the entirety of everyone else here. You can only do what you can do. You can only post about things that matter to you. Things that you're dealing with in your own life. Listen: THEY MATTER. Forget your age, your circumstances, your associations, your history of anything... they matter. They matter to you. And that, in itself, is reason enough to share them here. If people don't want to say something constructive... that's on them. How they are feeling about themselves. It is NOT on you for posting in the first place. No doubt there are a lot of times where people don't stop to think what effect their words have on the recipient of them. That is NOT a reflection on you, Mattie. You have every right to post about how you feel. The things which make you feel unsure, and scared, and which you need support with. That's the whole point of this site. Forget people who claim to speak for everyone. Who think they have it all worked out and have some irrefutable truth as to why you shouldn't be saying what you're saying. They don't. Not me, not you, not anyone. We speak for ourselves. We share ourselves here.
You have NOTHING to blame yourself for. Nothing. You're a woman going through a sometimes harrowing, sometimes scary, sometimes lonely process to become herself. And you sometimes need to reach out to others to feel like you're moving in the right direction. To feel that camaraderie. We all do it. It's what this site is here for. Hell, sometimes we just want to feel good about ourselves. An affirmation that it's not all for nothing. Mattie, we ALL want that. I'm not going to rant about how there are some who really need to learn to think before they post, because that wouldn't do any good. But no one has the right to make you feel like that.
Mattie, whether people get hurt by things or not is NOT your fault, okay? Everyone has a choice whether to read threads or not. You can only be honest with yourself, and with everyone else. And post things you need help with. From the things you've posted here, I fail to see how you've hurt anyone other than the feelings they have within themselves about their own lives. That is NOT your fault. You aren't responsible for the choices other people make in their lives, Mattie. You are not responsible for what other people do or do not do. So for anyone to take issue with the things you post because it might remind them of what they're missing out on, or don't have... that is on them. Not you. You absolutely cannot change who you are in order to try and be everything to everyone. That will not work. Just be you. Express yourself. Share your issues. That's the purpose of Susan's. You have always been respectful, considerate and empathetic, Mattie. You have nothing to blame yourself for, okay?
There are people who will get upset because the sky isn't the right shade of blue, or because their hotdog didn't have the right amount of mustard on it, or lord knows what else. It's the nature of internet forums, sweetie. Sometimes, some folks are just having a bad day. That absolutely should not stop you posting about things that matter to you. That you need support with, or that you wish to support others with. You are your own person, Mattie. Not a culmination of other people's opinions. You have as much right to be here and share your innermost thoughts as anyone else.
Hhhhhm I dont want to sound rude or offend you or anything, you know I like you,,,but seriously?
A huge post like this to complain about how people wouldnt care if you leave ?
this is a fricking online forum...rarely do strong relationships occur in such places anyways...
why so much drama?
Im gonna be honest,,,if you leave this place I wont even notice , I hadnt already...
If I leave then the other members wont even notice too...
Of course people which you used to interact a lot will care more...but they will eventually forget...
Cause as I said its a fricking online forum...
I think we are like a family here and everyone has value...but if you choose to leave then you will be soon forgoten (unless as I said you ve built strong relationships with people here), should you wish to return though and everyone will remember you immediately...
Quote from: FalsePrincess on March 30, 2014, 02:44:49 PM
Hhhhhm I dont want to sound rude or offend you or anything, you know I like you,,,but seriously?
A huge post like this to complain about how people wouldnt care if you leave ?
this is a fricking online forum...rarely do strong relationships occur in such places anyways...
why so much drama?
Im gonna be honest,,,if you leave this place I wont even notice , I hadnt already...
If I leave then the other members wont even notice too...
Of course people which you used to interact a lot will care more...but they will eventually forget...
Cause as I said its a fricking online forum...
I think we are like a family here and everyone has value...but if you choose to leave then you will be soon forgoten (unless as I said you ve built strong relationships with people here), should you wish to return though and everyone will remember you immediately...
But that's sort of my point. What sort of loser really cares so much about an internet forum? What sort of loser cares so deeply what people online think about them? What sort of loser really cares that people are getting hurt that they post on this forum when they should be able to brush it off? The point is I'm too attached emotionally to something that should be inconsequential, both online and in real life. but the fact is I am. It's become a necessity for me and that really isn't healthy, is it? It wasn't a bash on other people, but acknowledging much of my own faults which are many. Maybe I don't need to leave as much as I need to adapt to the fact that people will take issue with what I say and criticize me or think I'm a bunch of bad things. Maybe I need to learn that? I just have so much difficulties with this stuff. It's not the forgeting about LTL, that I expect if I leave, but it's the LTL is so annoying/triggering and let's tell her stuff that I get while I am here. I shouldn't care about that, but I do because I feel I hurt other people without intending to. That's my point. What sort of loser am I?
LtL, or Mattie ^^
I think we need a new section on the forum for us, the "drama section" ^^ Just kidding! :)
I would miss your posts very much if you leave the forum, but I totally understand you, because I share the very same "problem" with you: I rely too much on this site and coming here daily, checking posts and writing something became a necessity to me...and until now it is the mainly the only enviroment I can socialize as a woman too.
It's strange, we are so far away from each other, but I always saw a lot of you in me. We seem to share many things, from the way we deal with life and our depressive feelings, lack of self-steem, the way we are accepted by our families...
Before finding this forum I was with heavy weght and I was numbing myself, not with medications, but with virtual worlds like World of Warcraft. I was totally addicted to that game, like I was before with SecondLife (where Natalia took a better form)...my life made me give priority to live a lie in a fantasy world than fixing my "fake" life as a "fake boy".
Transiitioning has been for me a blessing and a salvation too, and in grand part because of the support of this forum (and this includes your support here, on my "drama" posts)! ;)
I know you may need some time with yourself and force yourself to socialize as a woman in the real world. Go there, girl. Try it! Perhaps you need to push it from you by getting away from this enviroment...but be cautious! Don't close yourself in a shell again. Leave your computer and live your life Mattie! You are an extremely pretty and cute girl (or your friend ;))!
I don't see you as a negative person or a drama queen. You were very open about your feelings, and many of us share the same "dramas". I don't see you as a loser, never, and I don't think anyone on this site see you that way. We all are very courageous poeple because we choosed to fight an incredible hard fight with ourselves and with the world. This is not an easy thing!
Probably you might be thinking I am too shallow with my comments and that they are sounding too cliche or exagerated...I don't know...I am not very good expressing myself somtimes...but the truth is: I see in you a sister that I never had, even if we haven't talked much here. I am always reading your posts and for me it's like I am there listening while you speak.
Again, if you need some time away, go there and don't look back! As long as it is the right path and you feel it is the right choice, do it! Sometimes we need drastic measures to force ourselves into something...but don't leave here just because of what you think people might think of you. I am sure that, from my and many other perspectives, you are one of the most important members of our family!
Be well,
Nath
Mattie, if you leave, I will miss you. I will not forget you. You helped me. You made a positive difference by being there for me when I needed someone. You may not even remember, but it meant a lot to me.
You don't need to build "strong relationships" to make a huge impact on people. We really aren't close at all, but you're important to me. In my opinion, the site needs you. And no, I'm not just saying that. I do not say things I don't mean just to make people feel better. I mean every word.
*hugs you tight* Don't go, please...
Seuiously, you are not a loser. You kind of need to stop thinking like that about yourself. And, from what I've seen of your thoughtful and honest posts. you aren't toxic either. But if you feel you need to stretch your social interaction in real life, and dropping this forum is the way to do it, then I would agree 100%. Sounds like you need some real human contact, stat! Go out, live! When it feels you've had a good dose maybe drop back in. See you then! :)
Quote from: learningtolive on March 30, 2014, 03:05:47 PM
But that's sort of my point. What sort of loser really cares so much about an internet forum? What sort of loser cares so deeply what people online think about them? What sort of loser really cares that people are getting hurt that they post on this forum when they should be able to brush it off? The point is I'm too attached emotionally to something that should be inconsequential, both online and in real life. but the fact is I am. It's become a necessity for me and that really isn't healthy, is it? It wasn't a bash on other people, but acknowledging much of my own faults which are many. Maybe I don't need to leave as much as I need to adapt to the fact that people will take issue with what I say and criticize me or think I'm a bunch of bad things. Maybe I need to learn that? I just have so much difficulties with this stuff. It's not the forgeting about LTL, that I expect if I leave, but it's the LTL is so annoying/triggering and let's tell her stuff that I get while I am here. I shouldn't care about that, but I do because I feel I hurt other people without intending to. That's my point. What sort of loser am I?
It doesn't make you a loser. It makes you a wonderful, empathetic person. That's why you care about hurting others, even unintentionally. But you can only do the best you can. No matter how hard anyone tries, it's almost a guarantee that something we say will be taken the wrong way or trigger someone at some point. This site is far better, not worse, because of your presence here, in my opinion.
You are by no far means a loser Mattie! You are a human person just like us with all the flaws that entails. Like it or not you are one of the bedrocks here and your advice has helped a great many. I understand the need to step away every once in a while and get a break. I hope that is all you do and you come right back. I was at the point you are last year and asked my account be deleted because of a bad post I made. Cindy, Sephira and several others would not hear of it and so I stayed and blossomed. I found my footing in life for the first time here and am enjoying transition and my new life. I would not be where I am today if not for this great place. Some of your post's inspired me and some I disagreed with, but at the end of the day we all came together and moved on stronger because of respect for each other. I do not want to see you go, but it is your call. You belong and are accepted here and your input on the forums is needed and asked for. I hope you stay not because you feel any obligation, but true friendship and acceptance which you have. If you need to take a break, but I will ask that you keep your membership with us because some day you will need us again, and we will be here as always for you. :)
I want to apologize to everyone. I'm just in a very bad place. Honestly, I'm sick of feeling so depressed and scared about every element of my life and caring about what everyone else thinks, but I don't know how to change it. I feel like coming here helps me take the steps I need and enables me to find some strength through out the process, even if it's just talking about it or finding some strength beforehand, but at the same time I expose what I damn loser/failure I am. And I'm sick of feeling like this. How much of a screw up I am compared to everyone else who seem to have it together and able to just push through this crap. Right now, if I had the courage, I would just end it all, but I can never get myself to even do that. And I tried recently to get out and socialize as female and get over my fear, I went out as more andro than usual, but I got laughed at and called a ->-bleeped-<- by three teenage boys. That's my destiny. I'm never going to make it in the real world like I want to. All I'll ever have is this place and even here I'm a loser outcast weirdo. I'm sorry for venting and just being the whiny idiot I am. I'm just in so much pain a the moment.
Please just let this thread die.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 30, 2014, 04:35:42 PM
I got laughed at and called a ->-bleeped-<- by three teenage boys. That's my destiny. I'm never going to make it in the real world like I want to. All Please just let this thread die.
You are not going to let three teens mess with your life like that are you? They are teens baby! Most are busy trying to find themselves, much less judge anyone else. Don't let that stop you.
As for letting the thread die, uh, no. You mean too much to us to let that happen. We will just stick around a little and help you through this temporary setback. You are not a loser at all. You are a valuable member of this family and I for one will stay on until you recognize that FACT! :)
Im pretty sure most of us had to deal with random teen boys calling us words...
I know its hurtful , but as jessica said they are a bunch of immature kids who propably have some kind of issues ...
You re not a loser , I realise that you re going through a difficult time...
but its as I said we are family here and you matter , as long as you choose to stay we will love you and respect you
You dont need to rush things,,, some people go out once and full time immediately but for others like me isnt so easy , take your time and do what makes you feel comfortable...for example everyone keeps talking about how important voice is , well making a female voice makes me extremely anxious so im gonna be a girl with a fricking low voice till I get surgery, thats comfortable for me...now what others think...i guess its their problem not mine...
Quote from: learningtolive on March 30, 2014, 04:35:42 PM
I tried recently to get out and socialize as female and get over my fear, I went out as more andro than usual, but I got laughed at and called a ->-bleeped-<- by three teenage boys. That's my destiny. I'm never going to make it in the real world like I want to. All I'll ever have is this place and even here I'm a loser outcast weirdo. I'm sorry for venting and just being the whiny idiot I am. I'm just in so much pain a the moment.
I have to chime in here. I've been in those situations, so I know how that feels. Yeah, it hurts like hell and it can be really depressing. I've had situations like this happen to me and I would be depressed for three days as a result. Eventually, once I got back my "screw you" attitude at full strength (that I always had prior to transition), it helped me immensely.
As far as feeling like an outcast in certain groups, I can totally relate to that too. I've always had this feeling of "I'm never going to fit in" and honestly, I probably never will. There is always going to be something that throws a wrench into the works as far as truly "fitting in" is concerned. I just made my peace with that because that was all I could do. Does it make me lonely sometimes?
Yes.
But most of the time, I just accept things as being what they are. I don't know what kind of area that you live in, but I live in a smaller town so there isn't really anything here for any sort of social interaction other than bars. I don't drink and even when I did, I didn't like the bar scene.
Are there any sort of volunteer groups that you could check out?
I like your posts and they have helped me a lot and others. You do belong here. Everyone here brings their own story with them and a different aspect. The idea that people fit into this perfect box just doesnt exist. As for being missed, I think a lot of people here would miss you if you left completely.
I could tell you all day how valuable you are here and it wouldn't help at all. However, with a rep total of +106 the others here have told you how valuable you are anyway. :)
Quote from: learningtolive on March 30, 2014, 03:05:47 PM
But that's sort of my point. What sort of loser really cares so much about an internet forum? What sort of loser cares so deeply what people online think about them? What sort of loser really cares that people are getting hurt that they post on this forum when they should be able to brush it off? The point is I'm too attached emotionally to something that should be inconsequential, both online and in real life. but the fact is I am. It's become a necessity for me and that really isn't healthy, is it? It wasn't a bash on other people, but acknowledging much of my own faults which are many. Maybe I don't need to leave as much as I need to adapt to the fact that people will take issue with what I say and criticize me or think I'm a bunch of bad things. Maybe I need to learn that? I just have so much difficulties with this stuff. It's not the forgeting about LTL, that I expect if I leave, but it's the LTL is so annoying/triggering and let's tell her stuff that I get while I am here. I shouldn't care about that, but I do because I feel I hurt other people without intending to. That's my point. What sort of loser am I?
Well...then their must be a gazillion other losers out there....what do you think FB essentially is.....
Quote from: learningtolive on March 30, 2014, 04:35:42 PM
I want to apologize to everyone. I'm just in a very bad place. Honestly, I'm sick of feeling so depressed and scared about every element of my life and caring about what everyone else thinks, but I don't know how to change it. I feel like coming here helps me take the steps I need and enables me to find some strength through out the process, even if it's just talking about it or finding some strength beforehand, but at the same time I expose what I damn loser/failure I am. And I'm sick of feeling like this. How much of a screw up I am compared to everyone else who seem to have it together and able to just push through this crap. Right now, if I had the courage, I would just end it all, but I can never get myself to even do that. And I tried recently to get out and socialize as female and get over my fear, I went out as more andro than usual, but I got laughed at and called a ->-bleeped-<- by three teenage boys. That's my destiny. I'm never going to make it in the real world like I want to. All I'll ever have is this place and even here I'm a loser outcast weirdo. I'm sorry for venting and just being the whiny idiot I am. I'm just in so much pain a the moment.
Please just let this thread die.
Well the andro stage is a hard one!! and teen age boys can make it even tougher....and the girls...well most times they can be sweet but will still be giving you wondering looks, though there are the nasty ones also.
I do have to laugh about the 3 teen age boys though, the reason being, is that as I write this my one son has three friends over...there all sitting in the other room. They all know about me and treat me like any other mother....even though they know I am my sons father....do they laugh behind my back...and does my son go along with it....maybe, but what good does it do worrying about it!. They respect me as any other parent to my face, in fact probably treat me as more of a mother than even my boys. I give them grief about there girlfriends and talk about their enthusiasm with sports....just the normal goofy parent stuff.
I am also thankful that my sons aren't nearly as big as some of these boys yikes!!
It's tough on most all of us not born with a more feminine type body. Doubt it will help however I feel your pain. Lots of cis women are not very pretty at all if you notice.
Good luck GF. Hang in there.
FWIW, I would not like to see you go. I'm sad that you are going through some rough times. I would think that is when you need us most, but, what do I know.
Quote from: learningtolive on March 30, 2014, 04:35:42 PM
I want to apologize to everyone. I'm just in a very bad place. Honestly, I'm sick of feeling so depressed and scared about every element of my life and caring about what everyone else thinks, but I don't know how to change it. I feel like coming here helps me take the steps I need and enables me to find some strength through out the process, even if it's just talking about it or finding some strength beforehand, but at the same time I expose what I damn loser/failure I am. And I'm sick of feeling like this. How much of a screw up I am compared to everyone else who seem to have it together and able to just push through this crap. Right now, if I had the courage, I would just end it all, but I can never get myself to even do that. And I tried recently to get out and socialize as female and get over my fear, I went out as more andro than usual, but I got laughed at and called a ->-bleeped-<- by three teenage boys. That's my destiny. I'm never going to make it in the real world like I want to. All I'll ever have is this place and even here I'm a loser outcast weirdo. I'm sorry for venting and just being the whiny idiot I am. I'm just in so much pain a the moment.
Please just let this thread die.
Everyone gets in bad, dark places at times. It takes far more courage to trudge through the screwed up world than it does to end it all so don't sell yourself short. Believe me, I have thought about it a few times myself. As for getting laughed at, everyone gets laughed at and made fun of. Too fat, too skinny, too smart, wears glasses, has long hair, is gay, is ugly, dresses stupid, too many freckles, and about another million and one things that teens target on other people. Just remember when they make fun of someone else it just boosts their ego especially in front of their friends.
I don't think you are whiny and I definitely don't think you are a loser. You need to find your self worth and work on your self esteem. We all get down and we all need to vent, hell we just need to whine and cry sometimes.
I agree with what Lara said about the "screw you" attitude. Turn it up to ten and figure out you have to live your life, not the three teenage boys that felt big and bad by making you feel bad about yourself, not anyone on this forum or anyone else for that matter. It's all on you. Believe me that "screw you" attitude makes you feel a whole lot better.
Once again,sorry everyone for my drama. I just feel like such a loser here and in life. The usual response I have is to back away and hide from everyone. I guess I have to start not caring what other people think, but that is such a difficult thing for me. It's the most important aspect of life for me. Sad but true. Even what those three boys laughing at me thought is more important than anything else. It's why I went home and cried and sadly, I hate admitting this, hurt myself that night. But I guess instead of running away or trying to change what people think, I have to accept who I am and part of that is learning to love this loser for who she is and fixing her flaws. I just feel so pathetic for being such a needy mess who constantly needs validation which she doesn't deserve or ever earn.
I look at everyone else. Everyone is able to make it through and better themselves. Me? I'm a total screw up with nothing going for her. My family hates me. My friends avoid me. I have no relationship. I've got like no life. I'm just a total loser. Honestly, I am. And it needs to change because pacifying a meaningless existence does nothing productive. I can't keep going like this. I just really hope I'll make it through this transition phase and everything will be a blur from my past. Living a semi-suicidal life really isn't rewarding anymore, and I'm starting to break down. However, I find I'm very uncertain about my future ad ability to find a happy life. Hopefully that will pass. And I'm not leaving because sadly I sort of rely on this forum for emotional help and guidance through this phase of my life. I realize I'm pathetic.
Again, I'm sorry for this drama and forgive me for once again making a total fool of myself here like I do all the time. In fact, I regret opening up and sharing all this, like I always do. Please, as I asked before, let this thread die. And forgive me for being such a moron like usual and causing grief. You all deserve better and I've just embarrassed myself more.
Seriously, I'm very sorry to everyone here for all of this. I'm shutting up now and hope this will all just disappear.
Hello Mattie,
As someone who is still very new here I read a lot of the posts by just wandering through the forums. My impression of your posts has never made me believe that you were anything but honest and struggling as so many of us are. In a perfect world we could snap our fingers and fix everything. Unfortunately the world and nobody in it is perfect. I also have extremely negative days that I bottle up inside sometimes and then end up exploding usually at the people I love. Then crying and apologizing. I know that is a terrible way to deal with it so I have slowly started asking and posting questions here. I am sure a lot of people have read them and thought Drama Queen and just moved on. I have just told myself that it truly does not matter what anyone thinks because at least here I can just let myself be me. I know my life would be worse without this outlet and I a sure I would be engaging in self-destructive behaviors. It seems to me that being here helped you to stop that. I for one would hope that you stay and continue to post your feelings because I enjoy reading them and they are always thought provoking in the least. Besides if someone thinks you are a drama queen at least you are a queen. Isn't that how we all want to be treated.
Thanks for always making me think.
Let me offer you a BIG HUG and I hope it is not the last time I can.