I realize that very few people will care about this post and most people see me as a negative drama queen (please click off this post if you feel this way as this thread won't change your mind), but for those who do care, I'd like to share. The past two weeks I haven't been around here for a few reasons. Some have reached out to me and asked me what's up. I'm sorry that I've shut almost all of you out, but I haven't been in the mood to open myself up as I usually do here. However, because I feel some of you deserve an answer and I feel the need to get things off my chest, I'm going to post about what a loser I am and why this site has been both blessing and a curse for me. Please understand that this is a very perssonal post and proably one of my most important ones in my own eyes, but I'm also feeling very emotional and as such it is a very big mess in terms of it's structure. Please forgive that aspect of it, even if the content deserves judgment in it's own way.
Let me start with my pre-transition self and before I came to this place. About a year ago, I was in the worst shape of my life both physically and emotionally. I would spend every day doing legal but powerful substances to numb my feelings and would lay down all day doing nothing. Not only was I a non-productive addict, I was a complete lard ass (I was 250 pounds at my worst). Food was my friend and I would eat as a way to suppress my feelings. Rather than allowing my body or mind to blossom, I sook out to destroy it. At this stage of my life, I decided I had to finally transition to stop my self destruction. I had to finally allow myself to start living and accepting who I am. For the most part, I've been on a fairly positive path. Much of where I started is a blur and my life is continously improving. That isn't just for transitioning, but some painful work in therapy and opening myself up to much needed changes. In a way, being a part of this community, no family, has enabled these changes and allowed LTL to florish.
I just want everyone here to know that I value you. Some it's for your wise words and compassion, some it's for motivational or inspirational purposes, some it's just letting me be a friend or being one to me, some it's for giving me a needed kick in the ass. And some are a little of all. However, you all gave me the chance to be me, Mattie, in a forum without needing to be ashamed. Sure, most of you I will never meet or speak with outside of this place. It may sound odd to hear someone speak so highly of "strangers", but to me the openness here goes beyond us all being strangers. In my eyes, it makes us all part of a twisted or odd family. I do care about and value many of you for being yourself and allowing the same for me. And while my posts directed towards others may seem fake or overly positive, I always say what I mean and do care about people here even if that help is limited through a forum. I know all that sounds, especially considering the fact that my privacy is very important and I have refused to speak or meet with some of you in person that have requested such a meeting but I've always tried to be as supportive and caring as I can despite my admitted limitations with those I don't have a strong relationship with.
It may sound pathetic or weird, but I love you all. Seriously, I do. For the past year, this forum was the only place where I could be me. That's not to say I'm very different in my real life (not really to be honest other than being more open and less reserved) but I don't have to be as fearful or scared to be myself here as I feel in the real world. It's allowed personal growth for me as I didn't need to feel anxiety before being or expressing myself which is how I feel in real life. In a way, that made this family more special and meaningful than many of my relationships in my real life. You let me be myself and for the most part embraced her. That's been one of the greatest gifts I've had. I'm truly grateful for it and that's why I love each and everyone of you that makes this "place" what it is (even those of us who never found a way to get along). I realize that this will sound hollow to many and most will see me as a huge fake, but I do mean this. In fact, this is one of the most important posts I've ever made here. Not only did you allow Mattie to exist as the girl she is without shame or needing to reserve her feelings, but you helped her find some inner strength and pride in being trans. Even though she constantly fights with being trans, being part of an openly trans community allowed her to have a sense of belonging to something she's continously had self hatred for. Taking all the pain that others feel about themselves and their situation and finding ways to help other people grow and cope also helped this girl find a cure for herself. It allowed her to feel her own pain indirectly and help nurture that person. I've poured my entire soul into this site for quite some time, and it's never occurred to me as to why. Hell, I'm the most shy person you'll ever encounter. I rarely talk on the phone, hang out with people who I don't know very well, and things like facebook terrify me. Yet, here on susan;s, you all needed to know every intimate detail about me, You had to understand me. Why? What did it mean? I guess I still don't undertand this, but I do feel it's been therapeutic and I can't help but share everything in this one avenue where I feel I can be myself without shame or feeling I must be reserved.
However, after thinking things over and doing careful reflection, I was ready to leave this site and am under consideration about doing just this. Not in hostility but rather thinking that the site had lost the healthy function it once was to me. Instead of using it to begin my transition, I became overly attached and relied on it for my ability to socialize freely as female. Yes, having it as a supportive environment is great, but it became the only supportive environment I had and have. I became so attached that this site was not only loved by me, it was seen as a neccesity. Part of me became sad and felt like a loser in that I'm overly dependent on this site and lack any real life venues to alleviate my dysphoria. As though I need the site to make it through this period of my life. Sometimes getting inspired or finding ways to cope with this all (which this site helps with) is great, but am I really ever going to over come my drama/issues? Or does this site and my hopes to one day live the life I want only pacify and lure me into a false sense that I'll be able to make it through everything when in reality I won't? Am I really improving myself or am I just stalling from taking on what I really need to do? Yes, the site can give great advice and help many of us, but what sort of loser am I for having this as my only supportive element in my life? As though it's helping me cope with my current situation rather than being the cataylst for the changes I need. What does that as well as my attachment to this site really say about me?
More to the point, the main issue I have about being here is that many started to view me as a toxic element of the site. I began to feel more negative here and realized that I am more triggering to others than helpful. Why should I be here if all I do is cause hurt and pain? It's one thing if the site was helpful to me and if I was also a positive force on it, but it seems that neither are true. Even though I never desired to cause hurt feelings or make other people upset, I've had this impact on many people. For that, I'm truly sorry as I do care about how other people feel. You may say that I'm overly senstive and that I care too much, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel this way. I can't help these feeling as it's a big part of who I am. And realizing that I'm a negative aspect on this site for quite a few people has caused me to feel a lot of pain and back away. I realize that not everyone can like you, but when you become a part of someone else"s triggering or you make them dysphoric in some way, it's hard to ignore that. I can't help it but I feel like the site loser as well as one of the "bad" members who always hurts other people on here. What right do I have to be here? Even if the sad part is that I need this site to make it through everything, I'm hurting other people in the process. My presence is unacceptable if it does this.
Lastly, I need to point out that I'm never going to meet the standards of any one else. For most of my life, I've always cared about what others thought about me. In fact, your feelings about me mattered more than my own did. Many of you may have noticed that this attitude would manifest in some of my actions on the site (sometimes in bizarre ways). If you thought LTL was something, I needed to either live up to your expectation or alter it so you thought something positive. Look, I'm no one special nor am I the worst person to grace this earth. I'm a flawed person, but a human being none the less. One with strengths as well as many weaknesses. And you know what.... I like her. No, I love her or at least trying to do just that. I'm being true to myself and while it's taking time to get where I want to be, I'm finally starting to let her live in my own way. Some of you will hate how I move forward or some of my past actions. That's okay. At the end of the day, it's our own life to lead and we are the one's who should dictate our own paths. Sometimes that can frustrate others who think it should be led a different way, but it's not their life. It's my life to lead as I see fit and it's my choice to percieve my transition in my own way as well as execute everything in my own way. Sometimes though, the criticism or judgement of others, even if well meaning, can get me down. I realize those with a critical view to share with me have some big points and don't intend for me to leave with hurt feelings. Likely they want to help and are cheering for me to make it through everything, but sometimes it just upsets me. Quite frankly, I know that I need to stop being such a fraidy cat about being myself and go out and build the life I want other than making this the only place I can socialize as female. Yeah, I fail to push the button for many reasons, but it's not like I want to be like this anymore. I just feel so depressed and helpless at times and having clinical depression and anxiety issues only add on to everything. To be honest, the desire to just end everything, at times, sounds so much more tempting than trying to take on all these challenging and difficult aspects of transitioning that I've been avoiding. Maybe they will be rewarding once I get through them, but I really don't know if I can ever be strong enough to get there and I'm crippled by my emotional issues. Sometimes coming on here makes me feel a little better and helps me continue on when I feel like giving up on life and ending my meaningless existence, but at other times I feel my openess give people more room to judge me for my many shortcomings more than anything. Again, not anyones fault that I feel this way as most want to help even when sharing criticism, but sometimes I leave feeling worse about myself, especially when I know that my presence has made someone else's day worse or has caused them a sense of dysphoria.
The fact is I do care about what others think and sometimes I feel my openness leaves more room for judement and criticism about my life in ways that I'm really not always up for. I feel more awkward about sharing and less able to reach out. I feel stiffled about sharing my feelings. Plus, I have to be extra careful about hurting or offending other people by simply just being myself. And besides not wanting to be a negative force for others, I really don't want everyone to see me as the huge loser or screw up that I am. To be honest, despite the flattery some will give in response to this, I realize the majority are either rolling their eyes or saying "is this psycho bitch serious" when reading most of my posts. I tend to rub most people the wrong way in some capacity even if some don't openly express it or try to avoid saying what they really think. When you know that's how most view you and you are constantly under this form of evaluation when sharing intimate details or pouring your soul onto this forum, everything just seems counter productive. Why even do it? I really don't know anymore, but I do know that I feel like a loser and failure in other people's eyes because of the difficulties I have with everything. It's not a good feeling, but I can't help but feel there is a lot of truth in that. When you care a lot about what everyone thinks about you and the answer usually isn't good, it's a bit of a heartbreaking feeling. To know that you cause other people annoyance or pain is such a difficult thing to come to terms with.
In any event, I'm truly grateful for the support I've received, some of the helpful feedback I've gotten (whether it be critical or not), and some of the great friendships that I've made while being on here; however, I don't know if I really belong here anymore or if this site is healthy for me and whether I'm healthy for it. So, this post isn't so much a goodbye, but rather a I don't know if I belong here anymore and don't know how I should proceed while feeling this way. To be honest, it would be heart breaking for me to leave, but I get the feeling that I'm dong more harm than good here for everyone else and myself. Nonetheless, I love each and everyone of you for various reasons and thank you for helping me through such a difficult and complicated phase of my life. It's more appreciated than you can imagine and if I could hug each and everyone of you, I would. Thank you for being there this past year. It means more than you know.
With love,
Mattie
