Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...
My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.
I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.
So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.
Yukari-sensei,
I understand completely. Best of luck. It can be difficult in the non-transitioning world, but we will be here if you need support.
Julia
You have my full respect for your decision and if I was in your position, I would have probably done the same thing. Best wishes.
->-bleeped-<- , that has to be the most romantic thing I ve ever heard in my entire life...
I hope you two have a lasting peace and love together. :)
True, selfsacrificing love. That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.
The best of luck!
I have tons of respect and appreciation for you
Is it possible still to bring her back?
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...
My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.
I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.
So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.
Yukari
I genuinely wish you all the very best of luck and love in your life together. However having tried unsuccessfully to stop hrt 3 times to protect my relationship I failed. What I recognised was that being compelled to deny my nature caused growing resentment and even greater dysphoria. At the same time I felt devalued and misunderstood by my wife. Yes some relationships do work where one partner is selfless and gives up everything to protect a relationship but I suspect that this is unusual and rarely viable in the longer term.
However you may find a non binary solution may work for both of you. Low dose hrt will give you significant peace and emotional comfort without significant feminising effects. Your wife who has loved you dearly may be comfortable with this. I suspect that a relationship where you both give up a little may have more chance of long term success than one where one partner gives up significantly more than the other.
Safe travels
Aisla
Dear Aisla
Your post is helping me. I am trying also to find the strength the stop the process before I will love the spouse I have love and respect to.
I am trying to remember other periods in my life where is was not so strong and tolerable.
She told me that as she loves me so much and support me on wearing women clothes, nails, eyebrows etc..she will loot at me differently when the change will go deeper...
Please don't judge me, I kind of look at this as escaping from great pain to day day day less great pain
I wish you all the luck in the world, Yukari.
I have to agree with you, I would sacrifice my transition in a heartbeat if it meant losing my fiancee.
Talk to her about this. Don't just detransition behind her back. She needs to know your effort and sacrifice.
Let us know how everything is doing.
While I can understand you decision, I feel there are a couple of things I should point out..
Fisrtly, just stopping HRT meds is not recommended, that's something you should consult a doctor/endo about. Secondly, your gender issues wll not go away, you are going to have to find a happy medium that works for you - and your wife.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you..
Quote from: kelly_aus on April 20, 2014, 08:41:56 PM
While I can understand you decision, I feel there are a couple of things I should point out..
Fisrtly, just stopping HRT meds is not recommended, that's something you should consult a doctor/endo about. Secondly, your gender issues wll not go away, you are going to have to find a happy medium that works for you - and your wife.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you..
Having taken this boat ride several times these past six years, I have to agree with Kelly.
1) Stopping HRT will cause your head to explode
2) The gender crap DOES NOT go away
2a) That cat is out of the bag. Your wife knows. No Do-Overs. The T-Bomb was dropped and she is collateral damage
My wife is a card carrying member of the "I did not marry a woman" club. Six years have not substantively changed her opinion. However, seeing how much I have I grown as a person, has swayed her.
Over the past 30 years I grew to become a miserable person. Not even a person, a thing, a machine, that did what was expected. No hopes, no joys, and especially no dreams, except one given up on long long ago.
I droped the T-Bomb 6 years ago. Gallons of tears have been shed by us both. It has been a long and painful process for us both, that is still ongoing. I cannot guarantee her I can keep on presenting as male, nor can I expect her to guarantee standing by my side. The one guarantee we are both aware of is things will NEVER be the same. And she knew I was TG 30 years ago, 20 before we wed.
I guess the bottom line here is, she will likely never see you the same again. However, she may come to see just how much the real you is, just as my wife has.
Quote from: Dahlia on April 17, 2014, 02:40:05 AM
True, selfsacrificing love. That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.
The best of luck!
Ouch. >:(
You're right, the self-sacrificing love is beautiful, and I wish Yukari all the happiness in the world, but that didn't mean you had to take such a cheap shot at the rest of us.
Quote from: Dahlia on April 17, 2014, 02:40:05 AM
True, selfsacrificing love. That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.
The best of luck!
I stood by my terminally ill GF until she died.. I'm now fill-in mum to her 2 daughters.
I guess I was just in it for the sex.. :icon_evil:
Quote from: asheriko35 on April 20, 2014, 08:22:21 PM
Dear Aisla
Your post is helping me.
She told me that as she loves me so much and support me on wearing women clothes, nails, eyebrows etc..she will loot at me differently when the change will go deeper...
Please don't judge me, I kind of look at this as escaping from great pain to day day day less great pain
Asheriko
I am glad that I could help. I have learned to never judge, only to support and to listen. I really hope that you both find an outcome or middle ground that works for you.
Best wishes
Aisla
Quote from: JoanneB on April 20, 2014, 09:35:51 PM
1) Stopping HRT will cause your head to explode
2) The gender crap DOES NOT go away
2a) That cat is out of the bag. Your wife knows. No Do-Overs. The T-Bomb was dropped and she is collateral damage
Absolutely agreed.
This is going to be extremely Debbie Downer-ish, but I'm not sure you're making the right choice and I think you came here looking for advice on whether you're making the right decision, not validation of your decision to detransition. You can't rebottle this genie and pretend that everything is like it once was. She will never see you as the same man who met her at the altar, and in a few months you might not see her as the same girl who walked down the aisle. You'll know that her love for you perhaps wasn't as strong as you thought, and you may start to wonder what the next divorce trigger will be. It's hardest to leave a marriage the first time. She won't find it as hard to leave you in the future if you do reconcile.
In addition, are you sure that your wife is not using this as a convenient excuse to get out of a marriage that may have been failing for other reasons? The ten-year anniversary is a huge thing, and she may well have gotten cold feet suddenly and wanted to use that as a cut-off point and a fresh start regardless of your trans status.
Don't do anything drastic right now. While utterly romantic and highly commendable to give up on being who you are for the sake of her, are you sure that's what she was asking for? Are you sure you can cope with being so close and having your true self taken away from you? In five years, how will you look back on this decision?
Of course, I'm not suggesting for one second that you should give up on the marriage and move full speed ahead in your transition, but I'm certainly suggesting that coming to an immediate halt is going to be equally inadvisable, at least from a medical perspective. Re-book that endo appointment and figure out a safer way to quit your medication if that's what you're going to do.
It's a tough position to be in, but I'm of the opinion that a good marriage is a partnership, and there's give and take. People change and a good marriage accommodates that change - you aren't the same person she married all those years ago, but she's not the same person you married either. Sure, a gender change is a big deal, but I always wonder how healthy a marriage is when one partner has to give up everything in order to make the other feel happy. That's not a good marriage, it's emotional slavery. Couple that with the fact that your trans feelings were strong enough for you to get this far, and you've got a disaster waiting to happen.
You've clearly got lots to think about, and there's so many pieces to this puzzle that it'll take a lot of time to figure it out. Don't make any rash decisions, and I really do wish you not just the best of luck with this, but also that you'll approach it patiently and rationally.
That is why I did not transition. The doctor also said he will prescribe the pills for HRT if I visit again with my wife and she allows it. More over, I have 3 kids who will grow well as long as I maintain a good relationship with my wife.
I have far more skirts and heels than my wife who seldom wears makeup or heels. She washes and cleans them for me everyday. I sometimes have lunch together with my wife at restaurant, and I usually wear mini-skirt. Whatever I wear, my wife seem to look and feel my masculinity that helps sustain my family. This also applies to my kids. As long as their mom accepts me well, my kids do the same.
There can be many paths you can take, but I hope both of you find a best way for your happiness.
barbie~~
I am with Aisla on this and also with the others on the HRT stop - don't do that without the endo in it and the shrink - but there are sometimes middle grounds and everyone is different.
I was in meltdown earlier this week over the fear of what you are dealing with, and all that was is fear, but I also pushed my dysphoria too hard and crashed. It is ok now.
I run in the middle ground, but we are all very different. It depends where you are on the gender spectrum. Boundaries can save marriages if there are common, acceptable grounds where dysphoria comfort meets a wife's comfort level and the two can remain whole. It just depends...
I sacrifice, but I also have gained much in return, its all about balances.
But dysphoria is extremely powerful and you have to find a comfort level that works and is sustainable.
My hair comes down in the morning when she is out believe me. She knows that. :)
Wow Yukari,
I feel for you so much. We're even the same age!
My wife learned of my questioning nature less than a month ago, and after the initial meltdown (on both ends, admittedly), she has accepted our reality and is allowing me to explore this aspect of myself. She is being supportive, but I worry that I pain her constantly. The guilt is incredible.
A friend recently asked me, "Are you truly questioning, or just fighting this really hard?" It's a good question, and one I hope to answer in therapy. Sadly, if the answers point down the Tegan route, I will lose my wife as a spouse. The pressure is incredible.
I don't know if I even could make such a change, endure such a loss, give up my life, and break the heart of my truest love to boot. I just don't know, and it's all very confusing and scary. With any luck, therapy will help me sort through all of these big questions.
I wish you all the best, whatever that ends up being.
Cheers,
Tegan
Fighting for a marriage is worth it and time is important... I was told to ask her when I was making her uncomfortable, and her discomfort area was fairly cool with blending into my comfort limits... Sex was lost but intimacy was not and she gets a heck of a lot of backrubs, .. wife wants time more than anything else, and attention,,, I give her a presentation she has been happy with for decades from the neck up, although my face is changing and hair is growing. I have nails... and she sees the lingerie
She does not see the bare body hormone changes. She does not come in while I am in the shower unless I can screen off, and she cannot handle seeing me in a cami or bra, I wear a nylon sleepshirt that is gender neutral over that at night, and over the nightwear which is sexy to say the least. Oddly she can hande seeing the garter belt connectors and thigh highs. It all depends on what they can handle and what they cannot. She will never see my bare boobs. And she knows I am on estrogen - max dose actually now - and that it is necessary to keep me from cracking up.
All of this stuff was navigated with close monitoring by my shrink. I know what she can handle, and I will not go past it. She knows what I can handle, and knows that asking more.. .like cutting nails... is futile, and she eventually had to accept that.
I hope this helps. FTE can wreak havoc on marrage, I present as a male, although now its more andro-male.
It depends on what your dysphoria can handle, what she can handle, and what you can handle, but to save a marriage to me is a huge thing indeed. And yes once she percieves you as a woman you may lose sex entirely. I did. But I couldn't function male any more anyway, so we didn't lose all that much. I deal with my physical needs when alone, and fully in a female role. I am physically wired total woman, with an attachment (preop/no op)
I hope there is something for someone that could be helpful here. I also vascilated on hormones, calling the endo panicked, and it is because we started too early on HRT in therapy. Withdrawl was ok but the flood of T was horrendous when it kicked in again. Not stuff to mess around with at all. Pro help is essential. Now I am a year into HRT, still seeing the shrink, and relying on this board to handle the fear, while becoming really close to all the girls and boys here now. My life depends on it.
Candles, incense and intimacy... priceless.
Quote from: barbie on May 01, 2014, 03:58:26 PM
That is why I did not transition. The doctor also said he will prescribe the pills for HRT if I visit again with my wife and she allows it. More over, I have 3 kids who will grow well as long as I maintain a good relationship with my wife.
oh I didnt know you have wife & kids & no HRT .. you look great as a girl :)
to OP, I wish you the best of luck .. no pain, no gain .. it happens to (almost) everyone who is trans , every post-op transgirl friends of mine had to break up with their bf/partners because those men wanted them to be pre-op ... and they warned me to be careful of my relationship with my partner .. i am scared but if my man wants to leave me , i do understand because i cant make him happy & i want to be who i really am .. but right now, we are happy couple .. hopefully , we will be like this till the end of our lives ..
Such a Beautiful, kind and Loving statement. I wish you luck.
I really have no advice. I tried and failed both to stop and return to my closeted self to save my marriage, to find a middle way, and can no longer even see a path to accommodation. I would give a lot for this not to be so. I admire all of you who have your relationship prioritized, can act on that priority with such self sacrifice and I truly wish you well. For me the partnership has ended.
This whole thing has tipped me into despair more than once, and yesterday I simply wanted to die. That I am still here is do in no small part to the men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope (to borrow a phrase) with me every day.
Peace,
Julie
Oh my god, Julie.
Call me if you're feeling so down again. You were really there for me the other night; if necessary, I'd like to offer you the same support. Really, Julie, you are not in this alone.
Stay strong, or at least call.
Yours sincerely,
Tegan
Quote from: JulieBlair on May 04, 2014, 07:46:11 PM
I really have no advice. I tried and failed both to stop and return to my closeted self to save my marriage, to find a middle way, and can no longer even see a path to accommodation. I would give a lot for this not to be so. I admire all of you who have your relationship prioritized, can act on that priority with such self sacrifice and I truly wish you well. For me the partnership has ended.
This whole thing has tipped me into despair more than once, and yesterday I simply wanted to die. That I am still here is do in no small part to the men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope (to borrow a phrase) with me every day.
Peace,
Julie
Oh Lord, Julie I am so sorry. You have so much to give and so much heart and so much love and so much wisdom, I am so sorry, you do not deserve to be forced into this.
You have my number and can call me anytime during the eastern working hours dear.
I have no guarantees either... its all about powerlessness and the faith that it gets better, it gets worse, it gets different, it gets real, and then living truth, we WILL become happy, joyous and free... valued and loved for who we are not for a false shell, hopefully remembering the best days and letting the Lord veil the worst. We have a dysphoria dear, it knows no reason, knows no campassion, it only knows it must be freed at all costs, and we either steer it, it steers us, or it drowns us. Ride on top of the waves and not underneath them girl, your are a transwoman - actually a woman for you - you have great value in this world.
You have done so much for me, do you even have a clue how important you are to us and to those who still suffer, including yourself?
Time for a bubble bath, candles and incense dear, and after mourning, daylight will come. I will be in prayer for you, and i was this morning Miss Julie. You let Satinjoy get out of her chains with your great compassion.... God will touch you and heal your hurts, but it takes time.
Sometimes we have a death and it is our former male self usually that passes away. There is mourning, then comes new birth and new beginnings.
I hope this helps sweetie. You are one of the most positive souls in the forum.
Such a tough situation, I am glad I never had to experience it when I started to transition. I am sure this is tearing you apart.
Quote from: Dahlia on April 17, 2014, 02:40:05 AM
That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.
The relationship with my wife is the main factor in my decision not to transition. Sorry, we're not very vocal about it, but we're out there!
Hi there I too am now in the same position due to the HRT I am no longer able to perform and the Wife is getting frustrated and complaining about the lack of sex .As We are relative newlyweds only getting married 2 years ago .she does not seem worried about my Boobs only my lack of performance .But apart from that We have a wonderful relationship and neither of us can contemplate life without each other .BTW we have been together 22 Years altogether .So I feel I have no choice but to stop HRT and go on to Testosterone to regain the performance that My Wife so craves and misses
Anita
It may be worth just dialling back either/both the AA and the E to regain more function. You may not need to go 'cold turkey' . Think it is worth discussing with your endo.
Aisla
It seems kind of egoistic from her, but if she met you as a man then I guess that you can't force her to accept you as a woman anyway... I admire your decision :)
Quote from: JoanneB on April 20, 2014, 09:35:51 PM
Having taken this boat ride several times these past six years, I have to agree with Kelly.
1) Stopping HRT will cause your head to explode
2) The gender crap DOES NOT go away
2a) That cat is out of the bag. Your wife knows. No Do-Overs. The T-Bomb was dropped and she is collateral damage
My wife is a card carrying member of the "I did not marry a woman" club. Six years have not substantively changed her opinion. However, seeing how much I have I grown as a person, has swayed her.
Over the past 30 years I grew to become a miserable person. Not even a person, a thing, a machine, that did what was expected. No hopes, no joys, and especially no dreams, except one given up on long long ago.
I droped the T-Bomb 6 years ago. Gallons of tears have been shed by us both. It has been a long and painful process for us both, that is still ongoing. I cannot guarantee her I can keep on presenting as male, nor can I expect her to guarantee standing by my side. The one guarantee we are both aware of is things will NEVER be the same. And she knew I was TG 30 years ago, 20 before we wed.
I guess the bottom line here is, she will likely never see you the same again. However, she may come to see just how much the real you is, just as my wife has.
This, even though I'm less than a year into my transition, my wife of 8 years is divorcing me as fast as she can. I love her more than anything in the world, that's why I'm "setting her free" and not fighting it. Even if I were to cease and dsist all transition immediately, we both know it's over. Our (seemingly) picture-perfect marriage is just gone... forever. Sucks, but that's just the reality ofit.
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her. I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep. So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.
I can relate to this in so many ways. Before I found out I can't transition for medical reasons, I became very excited about doing so - but then struggled within my marriage to my wonderful wife of many years who had no idea she was marrying a trans* person at the time of our commitment, and who is attracted to female bodies, not males. She had a really hard time with the idea that my body would become what she was not attracted to. We had a lot of very emotional and sincere and loving discussions about this, and I finally realized that - within our relationship (meaning I'm not implying any message or rule for anyone else) - I was going to have to choose: transition, or remain with this woman who was the light of my life.
I finally chose to not transition in order to keep her. I struggled with that, but losing her meant losing someone I adored beyond my ability to express. And it mean hurting her by pushing her into a different kind of relationship than she had signed up for - by forcing her to accommodate my body at the expense of her own. I just couldn't do it.
In the end, in a few years I developed some health issues that prevented me from being able to transition anyway, so it was moot anyway. But damn this is all so complicated, especially when we get older and have other commitments that aren't there or aren't there in such force when we are in our youth!
Well, after a maelstrom of fortune, I have finally been able to work up the courage to post an update here.
Just before Easter, my wife left the apartment and my severe efforts to stop transitioning were ignored. For a small period of time it seemed possible that there was a gentleman fanning the flames of her discontent in an attempt to woo her away - all the while presenting merely as a supportive friend. I changed my course and my friends flocked to me in support, but some of it was a rather cruel kindness. My mother cried tears of joy and lamented out loud, "you were dead to me...". My sister who was supportive of my transition in my presence expressed profound relief, "I love you as a brother or as a sister, but you need to understand... you were becoming the kind of woman you would not have raised me to be..." Work went from being cautiously tolerant to raising my pay and increasing my hours following my detransition... (the patriarchy is REAL)
I gave away all of my clothing (a considerable amount) and cosmetics (even more considerable) and watched a great many of my girlfriends tear through the echoes of a life that could have been. I smiled as I hid my tears and tried not to see their frenzy dividing my clothes as hyenas fighting over a carcass. I passed my estrogen and spiro onto another friend who could not access medical care as a chance to kickstart her transition...
Now I am back to where I was before... but back with my wife. We both returned to each other with frenzied passion and longing... We both have realized how much we missed and needed each other. She is now trying to overcome her personal shortcomings - which our separation forced her to see. I don't wish to go into too much personal detail, but essentially out of the ashes from before we have come together with a stronger and deeper appreciation than we held before...
And now the full truth of the matter. I am transgender. I cannot deny this and I don't. I express male but acknowledge that my soul is female. If anything I try to see myself as a person with a masculine heart and feminine soul, striving to balance possibility with reality... and there are some realities that cannot be... some prices that cannot be paid...
As a man, I have my wife and she loves me. As a woman I don't have her - and worse yet, she tried and is incapable of being with another woman. In her own ways, she still tries to reach out and understand (even if she can't). She purchased transpride cufflinks for me, she has suggested that I keep a "special wardrobe" for "dress up" on certain days(I won't and I can't. It was never about clothes), and has suggested giving our firstborn daughter my feminine name.
I have made my choice, and I'm sorry to those who never had one. I would rather endure dysphoria for the rest of my life if it means I have her. Thank you for all of your support everyone. I may not be able to make the journey, but I will be happy to wave from the dock - as long as I have my beloved in my embrace there.
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on August 02, 2014, 05:37:58 AM
And now the full truth of the matter. I am transgender. I cannot deny this and I don't. I express male but acknowledge that my soul is female. If anything I try to see myself as a person with a masculine heart and feminine soul, striving to balance possibility with reality... and there are some realities that cannot be... some prices that cannot be paid...
A good summation of what I thought nearly 30 years ago when taking on the trans beast. With one major exception for today. A much needed exception thanks to plain and simple fact that this does not go away.
"
For TODAY there are some realities that cannot be...
For TODAY, some prices that cannot be paid..."
I slowly morphed into a lifeless soulless machine; a Hollywood facade of a man that looked and acted in all the right ways from the outside. Inside, devoid of all hopes, wishes, and dreams. Sans one given up a long long time ago because I too thought in terms of absolutes.
The 3Ds of Distractions, Diversions, and Denial appeared to work for a while. Yet That beast has a voracious appetite and will demand more and more in order for you to keep such an apparently large and important side of yourself buried from the world and... even greater effort from yourself.
I learned these past few years where my true joy lies. It is simply in feeling genuine. For today, I know the time is not right for a full transition. To do so will mean facing up to the potential and real costs which I am unprepared to face, today. More importantly are other much more important matters that need to be taken care of. I am thankful for the blessing of not being a member of the Transition or Die club. I attended a few meetings and it is a scary place for me.
For today, as well as always for now on, I know I need to maintain a balance between these two great aspects of myself. I learned that very hard lesson of what happens when I don't. I cannot strangle one without it affecting the other. Which also goes to say I cannot forsake important things like my spouse or my career. Both of which define me as much as being female.
Yukari
I wish you and your SO all the very best that life has to offer. Life is never simple as trans*, and I am glad that you have both found a positive outcome. However should the dysphoria return and become unmanageable, it may be worth looking at low dose hrt without a binary transition, as many of us are not as binary as we had assumed, when we first set out on our journey
Safe travels
Aisla
Yukari,
Best wishes on your decided path. Remember that you are not alone in walking this path, as there are many here doing the same, for similar reasons.
Be glad to have found what is most important to you. Many people spend a lifetime not knowing.
It is good to read that you are doing well. Please take good care of yourself and your wife. We are always here if you need to talk.
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...
My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.
I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.
So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.
I know where you are comming from. I have lived for years for my wife and family. I still love her and don't want to compromise that relationship. However, I would like a few years where I can be at least a part-time woman with her.
Is there a chance that your wife can stay with you and still love you as a man?
Quote from: mac1 on August 02, 2014, 01:38:54 PM
I know where you are comming from. I have lived for years for my wife and family. I still love her and don't want to compromise that relationship. However, I would like a few years where I can be at least a part-time woman with her.
Is there a chance that your wife can stay with you and still love you as a man?
Weirdest thing she said after she came back to me was, "even as a woman - you were a better man...". She realized the linguistic absurdity of her statement and amended it to person...
There in lies the sharpest irony... man or woman, I'm the same person (the affectations change considerably though); however, my wife cannot love me as a woman, and feels some guilt about it. I figure honesty is preferable, as we pick up the pieces together...
Funny thing for her now is being able to see the signs that were present before, such as the comic representations of ourselves. We always used two women - Tomo & Yomi, Rarity & Pinkie Pie, etc... Oh well, I'll take a complicated life over the alternative.
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...
My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.
I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.
So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.
Others are quite right, the cats out of the bag, she will never see you the same again, it's one of those things, she will always love you, but she can't be with a woman, and even if you stop hrt you're still a woman inside. She knows this, you know it. But do not be sad, bc this to shall pass, I don't lnow why God made us this way, but he did it for a reason. You will be happy again, it's not the end of the world. I have had to come to the same conclusion even though my wife is not to that point yet, it's not fair for me to hide the depression, not be happy, bc that will hurt her just as much. If sucks really bad but is just the way things have to be. I know she won't stay with a woman, she is not bi or lesbian. I already look pretty decent dressed up, and I haven't even started hrt. So she knows I will pass and look like a woman.(bc I am one) so I still love her deeply, she loves me deeply or she wouldn't let me dress or even participate the way she does, like makeup and shopping, there's not a lot of wan that would go that far to keep a relationship, but I know she can't go with me only journey, she doesn't want to be with a woman, so the best thing you can do is apologize to her tell her how much she means to you, and that you will always love her but it's not fair for me to do this to you, and it's not fair for me to be unhappy either. A good relationship should not be one sacrificing everything, in other words with my wife it's not fair for me to make her unhappy, not is it fair for her to want me to be unhappy so she can be happy. And it's not shellfish for her to be upfront with you and tell you she doesn't want that, neither is it selfish for you to tell her you can't be happy as a man, bc you can't help it. You are what God made you. And yes God made us transsexual and have us the tools to change. I hate to sound cliche, but everything happens for a reason, both of you will learn something from this and be better people, but the transgender thing will come back with a vengeance, when I met my wife 6 years ago, I threw all my clothes out, I was determined to be a normal man, and I made it five years, but when Cristy came back she came back hard, to the point where I am going to lose a lot of important people in my life. Look if you need a friend pm me, I am in the same boat as you. I am gonna post around tonight I get my privileges bc I am only a month old on here. Just remember that you are just as important as her and you have friends here to talk to. God bless you sweetheart
I admire your sacrifice, Yukari-Sensei. Ironically, and perhaps historically, it is often a woman's charge to make those big sacrifices. I have recently made a similar one and so far, just knowing, finally knowing where the line in the sand is, has been a great relief to us both. I was extremely sad to hear that you gave away the clothes and the makeup. This act of purging reminds me of a woman who suffers multiple miscarriages and buries her dreams of motherhood altogether rather than seek out other ways to fulfill that need. Be careful, won't you? It sounds like you're suffering from PTSD and that rarely goes away on its own if not addressed.
awww that is so sweet and so romantic ;) sometimes you don't realize how much you love someone until theyre gone or you imagine your life without them . I support any decision that puts love first in your life because that really is the most important thing is finding love so I think you made the right decision . but dating 10 years? maybe you should consider putting a ring on it now that you realize you cant live without her ? ( I do agree with Kelly above you will both have to find a happy medium she should compromise too ad if she loves you she will want you to be happy )
Best to you, Yukari. This is so immensely difficult. I'm glad your wife is back with you. I hope you can sustain as you want to. I believe some people can, but for some people, it is the path to a complete inability to function. I hope that you're one of the ones who can, but if not, please be kind and gentle with yourself as you move forward and as the many years roll by. Either way, you'll continue to learn who you are, that won't stop. Be as strong, brave, and steadfast as ever you desire, but please never harm yourself, and please don't be down on yourself if it gets so bad that you can't manage this way any more. With time and love, your wife's understanding can also grow. It has happened before. Again, very best to you.
Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...
My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.
I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.
So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.
This is what I have felt many times, despaired about losing my wife... She has made it clear she loves me but loves me as a man, and a man is not how I feel.... This is probably the main thing holding my transition, taking the step of saying goodbye....it is so hard and so sad. She has not left me yet, but i know that as soon as I decide to move forward that would be definitive....
I never got to start any transition.
I so have the feeling that my storyline would end like yours, if not worse, loosing my love and therefore my own life :( ... literally
But so wonderful that you got her back!
I feel for you, I been keeping an eye on this thread, I am worried that this will happen in my marriage,
but it it does I am sorry but she is just gonna have to do with out me. I hate to be that way but a relationship
Is supposed to be sharing love and understanding, wanting her to suffer becuase I want to be happy isn't right
And her wanting me to suffer for her idea of what or who I should be is not right either.. So if she can't get over her issues with my gender than that's fine with me, I'm not saying that's how you should be but it should be fair and balanced not one way, and it sounds like it's one way.. I truly love my wife, but she keeps saying things that hint to me she isn't going to be okay with it, she says and swears 100% she is okay with transition, but the she says stuff like I'll never get what I want ever agian, and I think, no I know from her telling me she loves the way I look as a man, and carry myself and all that.. Well then your in love with my looks and I don't want that, I want someone who loves me even if my body is horribly scared head to toe, or whatever, and if I see she isn't happy with me as a woman I'll break it off, becuase I would rather her be happy with a MAN than me stay a man just to keep her happy, bc if I did that it's one way and that's not fair nor right... You have to understand, you said she left temporarily, and you thought there was someone else, well there probably was, or almost was... And you can be happy with someone else who loves you for you, and she can be happy with another man, your child will be fine I can promise you that, as loving a person as you are, your children will be fine between the two of you... You have to decide how bad your gid is and if it's worth being miserable everyday so someone else can be happy.. I for one wouldn't do that to my wife, make her do something she didn't want to do just to make me happy, and I am not going to play man anymore just to make her happy.. She swears she is ready for this but I see a break up and I really just want to get mine over with.. I wish you the best of luck, but please realize you have worth as a person and freedom of expression, freedom to be WHO you are is important, becuase if your not being yourself than a relationship based on anything else is a lie and will not last...
Gender issues do not go away. They cannot be willed away. I fear your decision will make you resent your wife in the long run (as impossible as it might be to imagine such a thing now), because you love her enough to not fulfill probably the deepest part of your psyche, whereas she is NOT willing (or love you enough rather) to accept you as you are. That may well nag at you ever more strongly. If my wife transitioned into a male, I would not leave her, just as she didn't leave me when I transitioned a few years ago (we've been together 8). There ARE people who love unconditionally; I'm lucky enough to be married to one. Who will support you no matter what your external appearance. If you get fat, if you suffer a traumatic accident that leaves you impotent, if you develop a terminal illness, whatever, some people will stand beside you through thick and thin, and some will run. Before you sacrifice something as huge as your very gender identity in this one short life you get to have, ask whether she loves you enough to make a similar sacrifice. But unfortunately, for this cynic, the answer has already been shown you.
To give an update and offer clarity, I will say it is a struggle. Dysphoria does not go away as much as we all wish it would. My problem comes from the fact that no pain hurt me more than when she left, not even dysphoria. But the cat is out of the bag, or as expressed by someone on this thread earlier - the T-bomb has already exploded. In the end, we tried to pick up the pieces; but, it laid bare more things that needed to be addressed.
To be fair to my wife, she seems to be trying to understand, more than she ever did when I was transitioning. Sometimes she says things like "when" instead of "if" I transition. She is the one who tries to tell me to show my pride ???. I think the reality of who she loves is starting to steep into her mind, like a tea infuser sitting in a cup of hot water...
If anything, I have to deal with the legacy her family has imprinted (scarred) into her brain about sexuality in general. The biggest obstacle in retrospect seems to have been the concept of her being a lesbian... and seeing how her aunt was treated in coming out is a good explanation as to why. Her family, like many hispanic families it would seem(including my own) see the idea of homosexuality as acceptable... as long as it's outside the family. The fact she was suspected for so long of it, due to her tomboyish nature, definitely left an impression. In retrospect, the fact that others were starting to regard her as the "masculine one" in our relationship must have been a severe blow to her ego. I remember her crying, "I don't want to be the butch!" into my shoulder, and there was no humor intended.
In short, we are taking our time. Who knows where it will eventually lead? If anything I don't have a choice in the additional fact that I have no more health insurance and my finances are tapped out from my last attempt. If there was any incentive to "just dealing with it", the fact there is no where else to go does wonders. :-\
I spent 30+ years utilizing my 3D's, Diversions, Distraction, and Denial, to try to keep the dysphoria locked down. It sort of worked at the cost of my soul. 5-6 years ago after I knew I needed to take on the trans beast for real. In a sense the dysphoria actually got worse. My eyes were finally opened. I slowly allowed myself to have feelings, allowed myself to learn what it is really like to be me. I came to really love being me, and came to hate what I made myself become.
"Show your pride" just may be little subtle body language clues she is picking up on. I know initially I was very tense presenting around my wife. I wanted so badly to protect her from having to deal with this too. My wife seeing Joanne was no longer an abstraction. I tried not revel in the joy of feeling totally genuine. Perhaps because there wasn't that joy knowing the pain I am inflicting?
It took a while for my wife to fully realize and appreciate this new(?) me. I am still a work in process hoping that the road will not end with needing a full transition. My wife, pretty much figures it is only a matter of time after her health issues get under control and our finances. Yet only recently, well over me moving back a year and half ago, has she been really making the effort with pronouns and name when I am presenting as Joanne, and even the occasional when I am not.
It's tough. When you really love the other person, who wants to see them slowly fade away? No matter how much we may want to say and think "We are still the same person inside", TBH - a lot of that person on the inside was very well locked away.
Overall, I'd say your wife appears to keeping an open mind.