I have a problem in which about 95% of my thought life is about trans in one form or another, and coping with and accepting being trans. I am wondering if anyone else struggles with this... it is actually affecting my job, relationships, pulling me out of activities I normally enjoy. And I cannot seem to break out of this, and often it is repetitive thinking.
There are things I can try from the shrink and from theater excercizes and yoga, requiring a ton of discipline, and thats hard. Like just breathing and reminding myself that I am finally being honest with my body and I need to accept, feel and move on to the next task. Or trying to tear my mind away and think of something else. That lasts about a minute...
One would think that you wouldnt be obsessed with your gender if you were cis. But being dysphoric, obsession is reality for me.
Anyone else hit this one? I suspect we all did. How do we get more of our thought life back for the things we used to enjoy and think about? Or do we just throw in the towel and let it go until it finally wears out naturally?
I have such a hard time with my poor head living with this dysphoria. The fear it will steal all I love, the joy in seeing my body change, the reality of stealth in a hostile world, financing HRT and therapy, and making sure I fight any suicidal ideations quick. That particular thing I have been able to do extremely well simply by knowing it is absolutely not an option and shutting the thought down instantly.
And when it hits hard I find myself emailing people who know asking for prayer or venting and hoping I don't get caught and punished in the office by someone who is just waiting for me to slip, who can't handle how my face is looking now, gradually. And then there is the fears I get through religeous stuff that has been so wonderfully handled in the Christainity section of the board and those very wise and talented contributors, giving me peace and a better understanding of where I fit into that. But the obsession will go there.
When the enormity of what I have done hits, I feel like I could lose my mind. Then I breathe and keep going, and just accept. My greatest fear and my greatest efforts were about denying my brain gender, and it was impossible, so now I live in the role I feared becoming the most.
I am rambling. Which is exactly what the post is about. It is manifestation of my obsessive thinking on trans. :(
Any suggestions? Similar experiences? Needs to vent on this?
Thanks again for being here and helping us. I wonder how many lives are saved because Susan's is around. Probably a lot.
I find it comes and goes for me. Sometimes not at all, other times all the time. I find keeping busy with other stuff is useful. I'm fortunate I've got a job which can take mind of it, especially now that I'm out.
Right now being a pre-op on no hormones (but I want to get on them so bad!) and being slammed by trans-related therapy and appointments...5 so far this month...I am having a hard time NOT thinking about it because I HAVE to. Getting advocacy letters, filling out psych exams, researching legal matters, spending time on Susan's Place (lol)...really, it's almost like I don't have a choice at this point in my transition not to think about it 50% of the time, minimal. To not think about it this early is to put me back in the boat I was in a few years ago: allowing other things ahead of it in my mind, thus (effectively) putting it off. Again. After the "new car" smell wears off after the SRS a few years down the road, I think it will be different and I will be able to put all this "having to think about it constantly to stay focused" behavior behind me. I am going out on a limb here and I think that is what happens to a lot of people in this situation: you get so used to having it on your mind during the early stages to keep the momentum/courage, the habit remains even after it is no longer needed.
I can finally say I've reached a point where my general dysphoria is at an all time low. I'm the happiest I've ever been. However new kinds of dyphoria are hitting me like never before. But I know what to do to cope at least for myself. I indulge in my own art. So basically try to find something you're passionate about. Something that is absent of gender, like an art form possibly and stick with it, it'll keep that nasty dysphoria at bay. At least that's what I do. Hope this helps Satinjoy!!
Quote from: Ev on April 14, 2014, 06:58:49 AM
Right now being a pre-op on no hormones (but I want to get on them so bad!) and being slammed by trans-related therapy and appointments...5 so far this month...I am having a hard time NOT thinking about it because I HAVE to. Getting advocacy letters, filling out psych exams, researching legal matters, spending time on Susan's Place (lol)...really, it's almost like I don't have a choice at this point in my transition not to think about it 50% of the time, minimal. To not think about it this early is to put me back in the boat I was in a few years ago: allowing other things ahead of it in my mind, thus (effectively) putting it off. Again. After the "new car" smell wears off after the SRS a few years down the road, I think it will be different and I will be able to put all this "having to think about it constantly to stay focused" behavior behind me. I am going out on a limb here and I think that is what happens to a lot of people in this situation: you get so used to having it on your mind during the early stages to keep the momentum/courage, the habit remains even after it is no longer needed.
Having a million and one things to do regarding your transistion, especially when it's therapy and that requires a lot of thinking on the subject, can certainly have it in the front of your mind on a daily basis. But I like what Ev said about a habit forming, and I think perhaps I for one, perhaps others, would likely benefit from conciously working to change that habit like we would any other habit that occupies our thoughts.
(Thank you for your Military service Ev.....and thank you to each and every active duty service member and vet here and elsewhere)
I'm sure there will be times when it's harder to get our minds off of transitional thoughts, and times when things are moving along smoothly (fingers crossed) and it's a lot easier.
Satinjoy, do you have people near where you live that you can intereact with face to face as well?
I did early in life. I knew in grammer school & junior high I was physically the wrong gender. Since then there is no reason to be obsessed with it. I've lived as a normal woman as much as possible & still continue to correct & improve my body.
Don't let it get you down, just enjoy being the best woman you can be. Why worry so much.
Good luck, Francis
Obsessed? Of course!
Hi - most of us have spent a lifetime feeling out of place in our own skin. I surely did. Then comes the excitement of discovery and tiptoeing up to maybe, someday, please... being able to express my inside on the outside. Then trying it out. Then talking to shrinks and counselors. Then (bliss of bliss) beginning HRT. Then growing boobs, changing shape, learning to be a woman if fact as well as fancy. Then getting ready to go full time. Then doing what you need to do to do that (which is where I am now). Obsess? Uh Huh. My entire life is upside down and finally has color and magic.
Work suffers no doubt, but I do my best. Family, friends, all relationships (outside of my dog) are or will be redefined. Money? Pretty much all spent. I'm broke, in debt, and happy about it. I'm sure that all this will pass, and perhaps one day I'll find it annoying to have to do make up, hair, clothes every day. But not yet sister! I am full of the joy of living, and that is both infectious and distracting. I have no idea what the consequences are or what they will be over any considerable length of time. I try to be diligent, and sometimes succeed, and sometimes not so much. Oh well, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Luv Ya,
Julie
I think I would have to say yes on the being obsessed... But that said I am new to this being I just accepted myself several months back... Given I have been stuffing it for 45 years there was a lot of pressure in the bottle so to speak. Being somewhat retired for the moment, it does give me time to work on what I need to do to transition. I am somewhat anal-retentive in the first place, getting this right is very important to me so yes it is a bit time consuming.
I do think however there will come a day when I will be just Veronica and be more relaxed in the body I should have had in the first place. At that point, it will just be the norm so I can concentrate on just being me and enjoying life.
It goes away post-transition for the most part. It stops being an obsession and just starts being life. And you go back to normal things like worrying about what you want to do with your life, and what you're passionate about, and love, and other normal things that everyone else worries about.
I know I had a serious 'OMG' moment when I realized that I was actually bored for the first time in my entire life. And it was like "YAY! I finally know what it's like to be NORMAL, and not have to obsess about gender at every hour of the day!"
It will come with time. I spent pretty much the entire first 13-14 months of transition thinking about NOTHING but transition, because I was still constantly worried about whether I was going to make it or not, and scared of the impending social transition. It wasn't until I finally started "male fail"ing, passing in public more often than not, and went full-time, that my mind finally started settling down. And now it's basically just life.
Quote from: Ev on April 14, 2014, 06:58:49 AM
Right now being a pre-op on no hormones (but I want to get on them so bad!) and being slammed by trans-related therapy and appointments...5 so far this month...I am having a hard time NOT thinking about it because I HAVE to. Getting advocacy letters, filling out psych exams, researching legal matters, spending time on Susan's Place (lol)...really, it's almost like I don't have a choice at this point in my transition not to think about it 50% of the time, minimal. To not think about it this early is to put me back in the boat I was in a few years ago: allowing other things ahead of it in my mind, thus (effectively) putting it off. Again. After the "new car" smell wears off after the SRS a few years down the road, I think it will be different and I will be able to put all this "having to think about it constantly to stay focused" behavior behind me. I am going out on a limb here and I think that is what happens to a lot of people in this situation: you get so used to having it on your mind during the early stages to keep the momentum/courage, the habit remains even after it is no longer needed.
I pretty much agree with all of this. And to top that I sort of have an obsessive personality too. (Not addictive though thankfully)
I will go through phases of videogames 8hours a day for a month, then reading 8 hours a day for the next month etc.
That is probably why it is so hard for my grandmother to accept that I am trans* ... She worries that it is just another obsession... Whereas I think the other obsessions were all coping mechanisms and distractions...
As for being obsessive about trans* stuff, how is 200+ hours of research over 2 months...
Hello
Being obsessed with accepting being trans is perfectly normal. After being able to accept and live as ones' self afer years of having to repress, naturally we will be obsessive, excited and happy. The key is to be able to not let it keep you from normal responsibilities (work, family, etc) and other things you enjoy. Just keep a healthy balance and be happy
Congrats on seeing the light :-)
It no longer consumes my day, especially since the unending concern over my appearance and what others thought of me became less important.
It's all part of accepting this life. First as transgender, then knowing your transsexual and understanding that you're compelled to change your body. But surprisingly after that acceptance your outlook changes as you feel more like a woman in your body, and you let go of the things that held you back. That growth isn't fast, and for me it was pretty painful because of the 60+ years I displayed the male façade. But we do grow.
I often wondered how the obsessive compulsion of being trans could ever fade away. And I felt those who were so confident in themselves were somehow special, and had never been like me. Well, I guess I was wrong. I followed them into this land of a confident life, and I'm sure you and all the others will follow to find the same place in life.
But even after explaining all this I still wonder about a few very special women who always knew why they were women, and never questioned their identity. They no doubt went through similar periods of growth, yet they must have been very lucky. :-)
I'd say I think about it 60 to 80% of the time. I try to suppress it, but it just 'flows out'.... I am more obsessed with it than I was 5 or 6 years ago.
It's pretty bad. :(
Of course it can be obsessive. It's like starting a brand new life and exploring the world and your life in a whole new way.
Not to mention getting past the facade that was the previous life (at least for me). Seeing everything through a fresh new set of eyes and spirit, it's amazing.Then there is incorporating all that into your life. Obsess all you want. . . as long as YOU are happy, that's cool
It will fade over time as you move past the OMG, OMG, OMG! phase and onwards through your transition. I rarely think about it at all any more but I started about two years ago and it is only fairly recently calmed down. I would go so far as to suggest that the obsessive phase is an important part of transitioning. There are a huge number of practical things to get your head around let alone accepting that you really, truly are your identified gender. Just keep heading towards where you need to be. Lots of little steps in the right direction. Make sure you take care of the important things (shelter, sustenance and sleep, in that order) and you will be fine. I would say 'relax' but, if your obsessive phase is anything like mine, that would be a bit trite. Look after yourself and try to trust that it will all work out fine in the end.
Rosie
Quote from: Ev on April 14, 2014, 06:58:49 AM
Right now being a pre-op on no hormones (but I want to get on them so bad!) and being slammed by trans-related therapy and appointments...5 so far this month...I am having a hard time NOT thinking about it because I HAVE to. Getting advocacy letters, filling out psych exams, researching legal matters, spending time on Susan's Place (lol)...really, it's almost like I don't have a choice at this point in my transition not to think about it 50% of the time, minimal. To not think about it this early is to put me back in the boat I was in a few years ago: allowing other things ahead of it in my mind, thus (effectively) putting it off. Again. After the "new car" smell wears off after the SRS a few years down the road, I think it will be different and I will be able to put all this "having to think about it constantly to stay focused" behavior behind me. I am going out on a limb here and I think that is what happens to a lot of people in this situation: you get so used to having it on your mind during the early stages to keep the momentum/courage, the habit remains even after it is no longer needed.
The same is happening to me too! I can't stop thinking about transition to the point that everything else is just a distraction. I try to focus on other things but at times it can be hard. Before I started this journey I could sleep with no problems. Now I wake up early each day with transition on my mind. Its not healthy, but I hope it gets better over time.
It's an obsessive process at first, but after about a year on HRT, it calms down and other things take over. Now, 13 months in, I don't think about transition anywhere near the amount i used to think of it. It's more why didn't he call or text, is he mad, why why why, I love him, why why why...oh I hope he calls. He called! Yeah, that's my life and I only think about being trans when here. I used to obssess. But my, um, BF, doesn't like hearing about it sometimes so that prolly helps me not think or talk about it. I mean, and he's right, if I expect him to view me as a woman, I should stop reminding him that I'm not a 100 percenter, only a 99 percenter lol but I plan to hack of that one percent soon, so yeah.
This impacts me a lot too. However, I try to distract myself with other things. Being in the middle of getting transition going, that is a bit of a lost cause. What I do attempt to do is leave it at the door at work. On days when it is a big distraction, my ability to concentrate at work suffers. Dealing with it 100% of the time at work will come and then hopefully it will recede both at work and just generally. Some distance to travel before that happens.
I also try to not bug the hell out of my wife and kids about what I am going through. God it must get boring for them (when it isn't scaring the hell out of them).
Oh, yes. But as others say, it passes with time. The farther I got from transition (which ended about four years ago now, yikes), the less it took over my mind; these days I tend to focus on the boring details of life. :)
once I accepted myself as a transgender , It really is a non issue
At first I thought about it quite alot, then as my life became more busy it slipped off me a bit.
When my life calmed down it hitted me straight in the face (as I also started HRT in that busy part).
I definitely went through this, for quite a while...largely in part because I was stuck as female for so long that I developed some really serious issues. It took me a while living as male to not be afraid anymore - I was terrified of reverting back to female somehow. Now I hardly think about it unless I have bad dysphoria. Actually, I noticed yesterday, I began writing a "letter I'd never send" to an old teacher, and I didn't feel the need to mention my gender issues once when I was writing about how life had changed since high school. Not once. It was a pretty big thing for me because for so long it consumed me and I was very unhappy.
I think about it quite often if I'm honest, usually if I'm on my own and not up to much. I tend to pass a lot of spare time on my phone reading these forums or watching stuff on YouTube.
I'm only 6 months into it though so I'm still really early days, I would be surprised if I wasn't excited.
If I was a kid and was told I was going to Disney land I'm sure I'd be obsessing over that too
Luckily I'm going somewhere much more awesome
Well, obviously I think about it a lot. It's hard not to. I'm still not living as my indetified gender and I'm miserable keeping the charade going, yet I feel compelled to do just that until I'm in a better stage (emotionally and physically) of my transition. So the misery of living a lie and not being true to myself gets severely overwhelming. To the point that I fixate on suicide at times and think ending it would be a better solution. Obviously that's not true and I have to fight through these feelings in order to make it out okay, but it can be really hard and mentaly exhausting. I can't wait when it's just a fact about me and not something that controls my life. Like I'll be free to go after my dreams and live as me. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever really happen though. I'm not sure.
There sure is a lot of hope in this thread. There is a lot of fear associated with transition for me. No I have not seen another trans face to face, I don't know where to go, and all .... will break loose if I do with my wife. I have to stick with the forum, and I get sooo much help here it is incredible. Plus the shrink.
We'll see. Driving home I just threw up my hands and said it's hopeless. Actually I held onto the wheel but you know what I mean. With HRT the drive to escape has been drastically reduced and now its the mind. Today was rough.
I see the endo Thursday and I know my e levels dip fairly low a couple times a day. I am a little, no a lot, nervous about where he goes next as I can't afford shots, don't want the patch, and am close to the top estrogen dosage level. Then my boobs are not big enough and I worry about that, they sure feel great though, and I can hide them.... but I want or need more there. I was dissapointed I am a 34 ribcage and 37 across the boobs so I am still an A. They hurt though;)
Fear in action. I need to trust God for the results here more - He's in it I wouldn't have survived the meltdown otherwise - but trying to fight the thoughts is just turning out to be foolishness. I do get relief from the sci fi flicks but now all the blood and guts stuff isn't as appealing. Tons of stuff is subtly changing. And I want to paint my nails with clear nail polish and go to work. There are people there that would crush me if I do that. And I have a few going... they break if I don't paint some of them and they are painted.
Where on earth do you girls and boys get the courage to do that FTE? Its a place of terror for me. Two of my daughters have seen me full transition and that went really great, but out in the world? Impossible for me. So much damage from the past there.
But I am willing to bet that this all has a happy ending for me. But I am SCARED. And there is no going back for me either, believe me, it's HRT or madness.
No wonder I think about it all the time.
I have to go now the kids want me to watch a nice tv show. It's good that they and my wife need so much attention. That certainly helps.
So many nice people in here.
mm...i would say about 99% of my thought are about being trans..
I used to think about it a lot and it did keep me from doing many things due to the worries it dredges up. But after a few years, it got easier and nowadays, I really only think about it when I come here, the rest of the time, I'm either working or relaxing and other things are on my mind then. I think most will get past it, just takes time and allowing yourself to live as you wish without regret or fear over who you are.
I would say its an obsession with me. Its only about 4 months since I realized that I was trans and for the first month or so, as I struggled with denial and hoped what I knew to be true wasn't, it just ate me up. since accepting my self as transgender, it still occupies all my idle time: when I awaken at night its the first thing on my mind, in the morning the mind starts thinking about becoming a girl and will I do it and how... and on and on. I find it hard to concentrate at work, and even when I do get to concentrate on work for a while some trigger will set me off and there I go again.
I do hope that as I come to accept the fact that I am a girl and need to do something about it that things will calm down a bit. I have doubt that it will be any time soon...
Couple of things seem to have helped this morning:
Breathe.
Just feel, don't think. Just be. Be me.
And just for today. Trying to control tomorrow is where most of the thought life goes. I cannot predict it.
I think the answer is that, and based on the thread, acceptance, being over time, and time itself, and finally the return to activities that bring joy.
I am feeling a bit better this morning. It is hard to accept that I have something I can barely control and definitely cannot escape.
In the study full transition again. I see more subtle physical changes... ;D
Enjoy...
I'm a year and three months in to full time and the fact I'm trans still weighs on me. I'm much happier than I was before, I don't drink when I don't want to anymore still, when I'm gendered appropriately my reaction is often suprise.
I'm not apprehensive about going to the ladies room anymore. Or at least not as apprehensive. But, I'm still reluctant to go underwear shopping which keeps me online for bras and panties.
The fact I am trans is still something I'm aware of. I am usually on edge, waiting and expecting to be misgendered by someone. Not a malicious misgendering, but an unintentional slip which I feel I have to forgive because, well, look at me. Listen to me even! In all honesty it may not be an "appropriate" reaction but once I would like to hear someone I've been spending time with say, "I had no idea!" when I out myself. Which I do do and will continue to do because:
1) I feel like a fraud sometimes and
2) I want the people I'm around to be relaxed so we both can put out guard down and maybe be friends.
Still, I do put myself out there to meet people and try new things. I'm usually offered cisgendered privilege. I'm comfortable enough these days that I can't wait to go to a concert this weekend and dress rock show sexy. But I think about that I'm trans and I am aware of the fact as well.
I only came out to myself about a month back, so yes, I'm currently more than obsessed with it. It's a full time job at this point for me - research, appointments, talking here, voice practice, make up practice, etc etc. Hell, last night all I dreamt about was transition related things. I've taken time off work to deal with all this, so I'd say it's probably normal (or at least I'd hope so, since I don't have time for anything that isn't transition atm). That being said, I'm obviously pre-op and pre-HRT so, just starting transition. I'd expect that once everything starts to change, the obsession will become slow changing reality (I feel like once I'm out to everyone, it'll become old news fast and then life will return to normal until I go full time, at which point it'll pass eventually and return to normal yet again).
Quote from: Nattie on April 15, 2014, 07:19:30 AM
I only came out to myself about a month back, so yes, I'm currently more than obsessed with it. It's a full time job at this point for me - research, appointments, talking here, voice practice, make up practice, etc etc. Hell, last night all I dreamt about was transition related things. I've taken time off work to deal with all this, so I'd say it's probably normal (or at least I'd hope so, since I don't have time for anything that isn't transition atm). That being said, I'm obviously pre-op and pre-HRT so, just starting transition. I'd expect that once everything starts to change, the obsession will become slow changing reality (I feel like once I'm out to everyone, it'll become old news fast and then life will return to normal until I go full time, at which point it'll pass eventually and return to normal yet again).
I am somewhat in the same boat Nattie, and yes it is very obsessive for me also. I only came out to myself two months ago...
I used to think about it pretty much 100% of the time but not so much anymore. Getting dressed to go out is just that - it's going thru the closet and thinking that I don't have anything to wear and those shoes are wrong for this outfit and oh hey better paint those nails before heading out - in other words, normal girl concerns.
The last obstacle to me going full time is coming out at work and I have a rough plan for that in place, so I consider it handled for the moment.
Life is..... mostly normal at this point for me. I don't have much left to obsess over.
Quote from: Eva Marie on April 15, 2014, 11:56:02 AM
I used to think about it pretty much 100% of the time but not so much anymore. Getting dressed to go out is just that - it's going thru the closet and thinking that I don't have anything to wear and those shoes are wrong for this outfit and oh hey better paint those nails before heading out - in other words, normal girl concerns.
The last obstacle to me going full time is coming out at work and I have a rough plan for that in place, so I consider it handled for the moment.
Life is..... mostly normal at this point for me. I don't have much left to obsess over.
That is so cool Eva. Sounds like you are well on your way. Myself at this point I don't mind a bit being a, well, a little obsessive... (Yeah right) Personally I think that is all part of transition in the first place... It's new and exciting and I wouldn't miss it for nothing. I am just starting to live after stuffing myself in a closet for 45 years.... Loving every minute of it.
To Nattie and Veronica (and probably a few others but I am typing on my phone which is a bit limiting), congratulations! The coming out to yourself is the hardest part of transitioning. It takes a great deal of knowledge and self-awareneds. All the rest of what follows is just dealing with the practicalities of the situation. Certainly there are plenty of scary as you like things to deal with but (I feel anyway) once you have overcome your own internal inertia the rest of the process is just time and planning and patience. Oh, and perseverance. And occasional bloody-mindedness. Of course not forgetting. ..
Rosie.
Quote from: H, H, H, Honeypot! on April 15, 2014, 03:14:28 PM
To Nattie and Veronica (and probably a few others but I am typing on my phone which is a bit limiting), congratulations! The coming out to yourself is the hardest part of transitioning. It takes a great deal of knowledge and self-awareneds. All the rest of what follows is just dealing with the practicalities of the situation. Certainly there are plenty of scary as you like things to deal with but (I feel anyway) once you have overcome your own internal inertia the rest of the process is just time and planning and patience. Oh, and perseverance. And occasional bloody-mindedness. Of course not forgetting. ..
Rosie.
Thank you Rosie... Yeah thus far it has been quite an adventure to say the least but thus far it's all good. Beats stuffing it in some deep dark hole in my head anyway...
I had a better day today, just being, just accepting. Didn't obsess quite as much. But my wife set me off a little, wanted to know how I could possible keep my nails without everyone figuring it out, saying again it was "shameful".
At least this time it didn't trigger the old "she's going to leave me" fear. She asked why I couldn't cut my nails, and I just said, "its gender dysphoria dear, I can't explain it, but it hurts to do it, I cant cut them anymore.
Because I cannot stand being told that what I am is unacceptable anymore. That who I am is "shameful".
Life as trans. Even stealth. I am just happy she still loves me.
Being forced to cut my nails equates to bullying to me. I am sorry if that makes others uncomfortable, but if I was to show up in full transition, I am sure they would really get uncomfortable. It would also be harmful to the marrage.
But today, I was comfortable in my own skin, and I didn't give a whoopie about what people thought. I actually felt free for a while to just be a kind of eccentric me.
Not as much time obsessing. More time being. I think we found something here...
Love the posts please keep them coming. I completely feel the same way. And that makes me feel better.
Now that I have regular therapy, doctors visits and the promise of HRT in 2 weeks, I feel like my obsession is easing up. Or at least focusing.
Sadly I am no longer reading every post on Susans. I am missing about 40-50 per day now and skipping about 10 threads that don't interest me as much.
Granted I will probably catch up this weekend. After all I'm only 90ish posts behind right now.
I am still obsessed but it is easing. Once I knew that I was tg my next challenge was to understand and to accept this diagnosis. Having achieved this and sharing this with friends I needed to take action - FFS, counselling, hrt and hair removal etc followed. As I learned that I had options, that I can choose my path even if I don't know my destination the pressure has eased and I am less obsessed. To a casual observer I would still present as obsessed but it isn't at the front of every thought, it does frame my thinking and my understanding of myself but it doesn't stress me, it provides strength and insight. I no longer have to share with every one that I think will be supportive but I still dive into Susans at every opportunity so am probably still obsessed, but just not completely obsessed.
I've been living as the woman I've always been for 31 months now and even though I don't think about it nearly as much as I used to, I think I still think about it too much. The worst was for the decades before I finally transitioned. I thought of being female probably at least once every ten seconds for decades. I have responsibilities I have to take care of, but if I hadn't transitioned there's no way I could have taken them. My mom had a stroke in December 2012, and I realize things happen for a reason when they happen. There's no way before living full time that I could have taken care of anyone, even myself till transitioning. I was a drunken, hopeless fool till the day I knew I had to transition or die. I stopped drinking 2 years 8 months ago and at first my thinking about being trans simply continued, but happily, for the first time in my life. My only thing that still bothers me now is that I'm Christian and I feel I continue to think about being TG too much and not enough about God and I feel guilty about it. Otherwise, I'm really happy about most things and my thinking's changed so much as time's gone by. I love being a woman and I hated being a male impersonator so much I tried to kill myself three times. How much worse can it be than that?
Miranda
Your phrase "male impersonator" really captures my life experience. I will use this. Many thanks.
Quote from: Miranda Catherine on April 18, 2014, 01:26:55 AM
I've been living as the woman I've always been for 31 months now and even though I don't think about it nearly as much as I used to, I think I still think about it too much. The worst was for the decades before I finally transitioned. I thought of being female probably at least once every ten seconds for decades. I have responsibilities I have to take care of, but if I hadn't transitioned there's no way I could have taken them. My mom had a stroke in December 2012, and I realize things happen for a reason when they happen. There's no way before living full time that I could have taken care of anyone, even myself till transitioning. I was a drunken, hopeless fool till the day I knew I had to transition or die. I stopped drinking 2 years 8 months ago and at first my thinking about being trans simply continued, but happily, for the first time in my life. My only thing that still bothers me now is that I'm Christian and I feel I continue to think about being TG too much and not enough about God and I feel guilty about it. Otherwise, I'm really happy about most things and my thinking's changed so much as time's gone by. I love being a woman and I hated being a male impersonator so much I tried to kill myself three times. How much worse can it be than that?
Hi Miranda, I know how you feel when you say you thought about transition every ten seconds for decades, and I've been to the brink only twice but with regard to that only once is too many. I remember your replies to my posts when I first joined Susan's. While I don't know if you remember me from say December & January, reading your comments and replies to my post where I was so worried about my age being 49 helped me get through alot of stress and worry during those early stages of my transition. I just want to thank you for those replies, and let you know I'm glad your still here to guide us slightly younger girls who worry too much, lol! :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
Right now I am totally obsessed. It's all I've been able to think about recently. It's been in my head for a long time, but now I'm acknowledging it and seeking out help to actually do something about it and it's kind of like the floodgates have been opened.