Does therapy help? I know it's a subjective statement, but I really am at a loss here - a loss for anything. I suppose the best answer is find out for yourself, but what exactly did therapy do for you?
I'm beyond miserable; I'm sure many of you know the feeling. I have no idea what, if anything, could be done for me. I'm totally drained physically and emotionally from the years of avoiding myself and others. I'm just tired and feel ill. Literally all I do anymore is think of transitioning. I'm really not so sure if I'd even come close to passing. I feel like maybe after everything I could surprise myself, but I have no idea really...
When I was 19 I grabbed a bottle of aspirin and took 15+ pills - don't do it - it was awful. I didn't take the whole bottle, so I knew that a part of me wanted to live, but the other part was taking 15+ aspirin and knew that could cause a severe reaction. I never told anyone that.
Part of me still doesn't want to die, but its still a constant though that I have to fight on a daily basis. I can tell you with confidence that transitioning would give me a new lease on life, but only if I were able to attain some semblance of stealth. I'm still fairly young and don't think I'm strong enough to go through life being seen as a transexual. There is nothing wrong with being a trans woman, I'd accept that, but I'd like to be seen and treated as a fairly normal woman.
I really don't see what a therapist could do for me, that's why I'm asking. I'd like to transition, but feel I could be slightly out of range for a realistic transition, but I really don't know.
Therapist's are wonderful! They do not just sit there and listen to what you say and they say "see you next time". Mine has become an integral part of my transition. They are helping me with family issue's, letters and even legal issue's. They have helped with things like age appropriate clothing, dealing with friends and family and what problems I may face down the line. Since they are non biased they have brought up things I never would have considered because I was too wrapped up in the process of transition. I HIGHLY recommend them! :)
I didn't need therapy to plan my transition. I learned what I needed to know from these forums and from MtF people I met IRL.
As far as my transition goes, therapists did more harm than good:
* One pretended to be a gender therapist but really had no clue. Had never heard the term "cisgendered".
* One got me royally p***ed off by oozing doubt about whether I was trans because I didn't have the classic symptoms.
* One gave me wrong information - Insisted that HRT will do nothing for my face or my body hair (wrong on both counts - I've had tremendous improvement in each).
* My current therapist, who is a wonderful counselor, nonetheless sent me for my second referral letter to someone who charged me $190.00 and then told me he wasn't ready to write the letter. I ended up going to someone else who I found on my own who charged less and gave me no problems at all.
I go to therapy mainly because my insurance covers most of it, and it's good to have it there just in case I need it.
BUT...
I was pretty level-headed throughout the process and didn't need to fight my own emotions. I'm a no-nonsense take-charge kind of person and I did what needed to be done. I think if I was fighting the sort of dysphoria you talk about, or suicidal feelings, therapy would have been a lot more important.
Quote from: TheQuestion on April 19, 2014, 06:58:46 AM
I'd like to transition, but feel I could be slightly out of range for a realistic transition, but I really don't know.
IMO, no one is out of range of transition. I've seen people with all sorts of psychiatric diagnoses and all sorts of body types and levels of competence all have successful transitions.
I completely agree with Jessica. Don't skip the therapy, even if you've had bad experiences with therapists in the past.
For me, the therapy has given me access to a neutral person in this highly-charged, polarizing process. She's someone who listens without judgment where family and friends all seem to have opinions based on misinformation and fear. My therapist provides advice and insight from the perspective of an expert who has seen this all before, not from the perspective of someone who thinks they're losing a friend or a family member to a cult or perversion. She's a great resource for just absorbing my own worries and fears, for helping me work through some complicated issues, and for just sometimes giving me the reassurance that everything is normal and everything will not be as bad as I think it will be. I can talk to her about things that I would never bring up to my spouse (such as my own self doubts which, if my spouse heard, she'd leap on as evidence that I'm making a terrible mistake). I can discuss all those innermost thoughts and feelings that previously I was discussing with myself, and conversations with myself were always destructive and misleading.
I went into therapy with the idea that it was just an (expensive) hoop to jump through and that it would be like going to a psychic healer or a palm reader or something like that, just dubious techniques and unproven success. And perhaps I got lucky - although I'm inclined to think otherwise - because the therapist I ended up with has been worth her weight in gold.
Far from being a gatekeeper or someone to tell me to slow down, after a few sessions she's helped me reach the conclusion that transition would be ideal. She's not trying to hold me back, she's not sitting there trying to rack up hours and fees by exploring issues in tedious detail. She's proven to be an efficient and honest ally in the transition process.
My bottom line on therapy is that it's like an adult helping a child with some difficult homework. The adult wants the child to do the work, but is there to help when things get difficult or confusing and it all seems like it will never become clear. It's hard work for the child, but at the end the child emerges with an understanding far beyond that if the child did the homework alone or if the adult simply gave the child the answers.
I think I've mentioned this elsewhere in another therapy thread, but I have no intention of quitting therapy even though I've got my letter and don't technically need her anymore. There's always things to discuss, missing pieces of the puzzle, issues to deal with or simply grumbles to be aired. She's my impartial companion in all of this, someone who will give me honest advice and guidance, someone who will be there to stop me making dumb mistakes and someone who is there to give me a shoulder to cry on when things get rough. And she's someone to share successes with, someone who really understands the magnitude of the smallest achievements and steps taken towards transition.
Yeah, all of the above is coming from someone who, just a few months ago, thought therapists were a bunch of quacks and frauds, back when I mistakenly believes I was strong enough to go through this alone.
Others, I'm sure, will chime in with their own experiences, but at the very least give it a shot and go into it with an open mind. And if the first therapist doesn't click, if there's no connection, don't give up. Find another, or if that's not practical try to stick with it for a little while. These things take time. :)
I sought out the best transgender therapist in my area when I was about ready to check out for good. I thought that being trans was the worst thing ever and I had become pretty indifferent to living day to day. At the first session she had me pegged for a classic late onset MTF transsexual and told me, "We can fix this. People tranistion all the time and it's really not as big of a deal as you think." I wasn't remotely ready to accept what I am at the time and was not ready to go there, but I decided to hear her out, and see the psychiatrist and endo at her recommendation. These were the hardest calls I ever had to make, but I was willing to try anything to finally be happy and not feel completely guano loco. The antidepressants probably saved my life before I got put on a low dose of estrogen that really put me on an even keel for the first time.
My therapist helped save my life. I am sure of this, and I don't think I would have made it through the holidays in 2012 if it wasn't for her.
I no longer see her, as she has long since declared me "cured". I think we spent the last two sessions mostly talking about our mutual affinity for heavy metal and fine wine.
On the flip side, I have friends who had therapists did more harm than good. Some are not up to date on how to treat transgender people, have no clue what to do, or are outright haters. Be careful. Some will dangle letters like a carrot on a stick and just want to bleed you dry financially. To some therapists, transgender people are seen as cash cows.
I have been seeing a therapist (one of the best in this area) and find her very helpful. The first way she helped was just in accepting me and my problems as 'normal'. This has helped me to accept myself as I am and to look forward to knowing about the repressed feminine side of myself.
As others mentioned she will bring up issues and ideas I may have skimmed over. She does not solve any of my problems, but by her guidance has helped me to grow in ways that may have remained stunted forever.
Find a good therapist. Be honest. I think you will find it worth your while.
I still feel miserable sometimes. But knowing there is one person out there, interested and nonjudgmental, who cares and is willing to help gives me hope.
That's what I'm concerned about; being a cash cow. I'm trying to see if anyone here in the area has any good recommendations. I'd like to see someone who has dealt with transgendered people. I'd really like to feel as if I was going to see a friend, not a doctor. I'm thinking of heading to Fenway Health to start, but I just don't know.
I wanna see a therapist and would like to begin attending group meetings, but I'm pretty much totally alone and I'm a little embarrassed/nervous about having presented as a "normal guy" for my entire life.
I had an appointment with a woman several weeks ago, but it turned out she was a general therapist who knew "some people" who dealt with trans issues. I canceled and am really regretful. I feel like I need to talk to someone as soon as I can, before I totally lose it...
If you can't find a good therapist in your area, some reputable ones do it over skype.
I'm sure I can find one around here, Boston could be the best places in the world for med care across the board, just dragging my feet I suppose. I just want to see if anyone has had any positive experiences with a local therapist, not just in relation to receiving a letter, but also in terms of therapist personality, maybe age, etc..
A bit over a year ago... I walked into the student health services at my college just absolutely lost. I mean just... I didn't even have words. I just walked in with this deer in the headlights look on my face I was so at a loss. I wasn't functioning... I felt numb, I couldn't get interested in my school work, I couldn't get interested in leaving the house (even for a pack of smokes and that's really weird for a smoker). I didn't want to do ANYTHING but sit and play Mass Effect (a game series) over and over. Like that's all I wanted to do. Or sleep. Sleep was the second priority. Mass Effect, sleep.
Like a week before that I had a breakdown at school and at the time I didn't know why. I thought it was for no reason what so ever. Like I went to my former math teacher in tears and I didn't want to see beyond that day. He was the reason I ended up at the student health services.
So there I was, at the therapist's door step with this I have no clue what to even do or say attitude. It took her some time to even figure out why I was there, I was just in shutdown mode. I was literally just shutting down and "powering off". I didn't have a will of my own at that point and I was just on auto pilot every day.
After a while she put me on antidepressants for both the depression and anxiety. Like I had a lot of anxiety at the time. I didn't want to leave the house without having a weird fit about it. Like my heart would race, my head would spin, I felt panicked and I had to literally force myself to take the first step out the door every morning to go to class. Some mornings I didn't even get that far I just got to the front door, said nope, and went back to bed.
After that summer things were getting a little better. I was on the antidepressants, I had some goals to work towards and I had just began to realize the bigger picture. Bigger picture being I'm trans, and I always had been and I just never knew what it was and why I was feeling that way (always wanting be a guy). Like this was something I never knew about. Like I mean I had heard of people "having sex changes" but I didn't know anything about it beyond that and never bothered to educate myself on it. I just knew it was a thing and I never thought anything more beyond it.
I came to learn of myself being trans because of a vlogger on Youtube who is FTM himself and the things he talked about, the things he mentioned feeling through out life it was like... O_o almost the same as me.
Anyways, in the end the Therapist helped me work through my feelings, helped get me back on the right track, helped me feel better about myself, my situation, and gave me direction for what I could do and how I could make things better. She pointed me to Plan Parenthood, which in my town at least is allowed to approve someone for transition, and I started HRT, am now off the antidepressants, and life has been so much better, especially in the last two months.
Therapists can be hit and miss... But if you find the right one, and you know they are the right one when they help give you guidance, goals, and the tools to achieve those goals, it will be well worth the effort. Not only are they there to listen but they are there to give you a firm shove when you need one most. They won't just coddle you, they'll tell you what you need to do to help yourself and then they will help you get there. They won't do all the work for you, but they will give you the support you need to do what you gotta do.
I say try finding a good therapist. It may take some effort to find the right one for you, or you may even be lucky and find the right one on the first try. But don't give up.
Hugs TheQuestion,
I think therapy has been a life saver for me but everyone is different. I listed some of my experiences that are what you spoke of (long) if you want to read them.
I did an intake after I had two successive days I tried suicide on I95. The brief feeling of relief from torment during the event felt wonderful and I knew the next day there would be a third attempt. At intake I was given a gender therapists card that had an opening.
My 1st therapist helped me to address a lot of issues and after 6 months I started HRT (informed consent state and I could have started earlier) and she helped me address a lot of pain and was the 1st welcoming and supportive person in my life. She helped me start the journey of abandoning the parts of me I needed to get rid of and helped me recognize the parts that needed to grow.
My second therapist has provided a lot of great advise on how to navigate a lot of marital issues and others. Last Monday I got triggered very hard. I had migraines and threw up driving home Monday and on the way to work the next day. I was having a tough time. Things improved in the early morning (perhaps it is work) and we reviewed the events at therapy that evening. I was wearing sunglasses because my eyes were puffy from crying. When we started I removed them and let her know what was happening. We discussed it, my thoughts and that I now have a perfect way (reassuring her I was stable and not going to kill myself). We went over suicide and all the reasons and feelings. She asked I read a book for next session. She spoke of how a lot of people feel the same way and why and how to go about addressing the underlying issues. She recommended I tell my wife and daughter the issues that I am carrying. There is no way I can tell them and not change how they see me and my childhood family and siblings, nowhere to hide. Telling my wife I am trans would pale in comparison.
For me, the best therapy I received came from my TG support group. From what I've been told by others that attend groups in the DC-Baltimore area the group is fairly unique in it's structure and makeup. All want to help and truely care for eachother. No one wants to see someone go through the same pain and turmoil.
This is followed by a for real gender therapist. Several years ago when I started this process in rural West Virginia, finding a TG friendly and ever so slightly therapist in less than a 2 1/2 hour drive was difficult. Now, living just outside NYC I almost trip over them on the street in comparison to before. The woman I see now is a world different from the generalist I saw down south. To be fair, I did need him since I had a TON of baggage from 50 years of burying the TG beastie. Still do.
I also have some doubts as to what path is best for me. Plenty of fears, even more extenuating circumstances, plus a few commitments made in my life that need to be honored. In other words my life is a bit complicated right now, enough to make ones head smoke. Alcohol is not a good way to stop the smoking. Therapy does, and gives me better, more positive insights.
Her group, which is focused towards the LGBT community, does have a sliding scale. They will work with you. It is not a hard fast if you make X you can pay Y. Normally the rate is pretty steep and my out of network therapy, which they are, has a $2500 deductible. Yet they came down a lot allowing me to see her about every week, which I feel I need right now to keep my head from exploding
I can tell you my experience with therapy. The first time I started I just took a name from the phone book and went. That was 15 years ago. After two sessions I was worse than before and did attempt suicide. The pills didn't work thank god but I never went back. Fast forward to two months ago and my life had truly fallen apart in a very quick amount of time. I needed someone to talk to because suicide was not an option (suddenly single with three kids). I knew I needed support but this time I did my research. I found a great therapist that has really helped me with life issues only. He knows I have GID but not his specialty. He has helped me enough that I can function on a daily basis and has been good enough to make a referral to a gender specialist. Unfortunately she is quite far away so I am figuring out how to manage that with the kids. He on the other hand recommended that we stop meeting on a regular basis as I have progressed enough to be considered stabilized and he knows money is tight and he believes I will be fine until I meet with my new one in about a month. I have said way to much. My only point was to choose your therapist with care. If you can not find a specialist on GID please do not just pick a name from the telephone book that was one of the worse mistakes I ever made.
Therapy helped a whole lot in my transition the therapist was real sweet too! They sit there and listen before saying anything and they don't judge you which is the best part and also they help write letters to many other individuals who must know about your transition like: school teachers, any relatives you want to open up to or any classes that you may be going to like baking, cooking or arts and other things like that. Well that's about it I guess.
~Evelyn
I'm probably an outlier, but I've been in therapy for years. I have had a male identity/male alter ego since early childhood, and I did not have a particularly warm family. I thought I was a freak and a pervert, and I was terrified that I would spill the beans and be locked up. I spent more and more time inside my head as I got older. The self-hatred was profound.
When I was about twenty-six, I discovered that FTMs existed, and I came out to myself as a transsexual. But the book I was reading said that I was mentally disordered and really a woman. I couldn't deal with this knowledge. I went through various stages of self-identification and finally broke down in 2008 after two decades of struggle.
There is more, but all of this twisted me up in ways that I cannot even describe. I am still sorting myself out. I have spent a great deal of money on therapy, but I am more together than I've ever been in my life, in ways that I can't attribute to transition alone. I feel that my therapist saved my life and helped me through all of the ugliness (transition, breakup/divorce, moving out, coming out as gay, dealing with depression, being unemployed, hunting for work, and now coming out to my father, whom I haven't seen in thirty years). I have other deep-seated hang-ups that I won't get into here. My therapist is still helping me to figure myself out.
It's worth it to me to keep going, but most of us don't need as much counseling as I do.
A good therapist is essential IMO. Remember, none of your deep problems are solved by transitioning. They are still there, you need help to deal with them.
OK some people who have no issues need minimal help, those who have deep issues need help.
The suicide and parasuicide rate in MtF post transition is approximately the same. The people who have issues that they have not dealt with account for this number.
I don't know if I could have progressed without a good therapist(s). They have helped me to transform my life. Highly recommended if not absolutely essential IMO. Transition does not need to be a lonely and isolated experience.
Aisla
What did I get out of therapy? Hmm.. The ability to deal with my past without a lot of shame and guilt. Which was something I needed to do in order to move on with my life. I got someone who listened to me, who asked me pointy questions and made me think about the answers. A person who sometimes challenged me.
Quote from: Cindy on April 21, 2014, 02:23:34 AM
A good therapist is essential IMO. Remember, none of your deep problems are solved by transitioning. They are still there, you need help to deal with them.
OK some people who have no issues need minimal help, those who have deep issues need help.
The suicide and parasuicide rate in MtF post transition is approximately the same. The people who have issues that they have not dealt with account for this number.
Couldn't agree more, Cindy.. Before I came oout and started transition, I had 99 problems and only 1 of them was my apparent gender. Therapy helped with all 99.
Now, I still have 99 problems, but 1 of them isn't my gender.. And they aren't the same 98 as before, these I can deal with myself - in part, thanks to the tools and ideas my therapist has shared with me.
I personally found therapy to be very helpful. It gave me someone outside of my family to talk with openly about my gender problems and he gave me an unbiased opinion about what I was doing and he also gave me other options that I didn't think about, which I appreciated. So I think that spending time with a therapist is time well spent! :)
@kade1985 ..... been there, done that. As I said in an earlier post I was raised in a family with a violent threatening alcoholic. The first time I went into a depression, I couldn't tell others how I felt. I felt like I was in a dark hole ........ I knew I was in a dark hole ... ie., depressed, but couldn't climb out. My behavior became dysfunctional ........ one of the first things to go with most emotional problems is sex .... I stopped having sex with my wife. One day, I'd just had enough and walked out of my job. My wife went with me to a physician ...... she heard the diagnosis. But she was from a normal family ..... she was strong emotionally. People like that cannot understand ...... they think you are choosing to do what you do ...... the concept of not being in control of your thoughts is BS to them. So, after 7 years of marriage, she just walked out. You're going to run into this in life ....... stable people who had good parents and when you try to describe things to then, they are going to see it as personal nonsense.
Secondly ....... therapists ....... psychiatrists are only paid decent rates for drug therapy so that is what they do ....... don't expect much therapy from them ...... someone with a 4 year degree has enough training ....... meetings have usually last an hour ....... you should feel comfortable with them ...... BUT THEY CAN'T BE YOUR FRIEND ...... they've got to be helping you ..... I knew a very popular therapist ..... she was a good conversationalist and could make you laugh, but she really wasn't much help ....... so be careful ...... you'd got to feel comfortable enough to open up to them .......... but they have to be objective analysts and not just a shoulder to cry on