everyone wants me to just give up. everyone wants me to throw away my life. i give and i give and i give even more but no one sees how much it takes out of me. everyone is calling me selfish, everyone says i shouldnt of done this. they keep trying to say it will only destroy you in the long run becuz i'm currently in a legal bind (no i didnt do anything wrong). my lawyer is against me transitioning, my mother says she'd support me but doesnt want me to transition. my urge to cut and slash is so strong i can barely think anymore. i lost all feeling and my emotions just evaporated. all hope i gain is just simply stepped onl and i'm forced back into the void of my sorrow. the only thing i have left to comfort me is my empty world. might as well just stay there and not return back. no one seems to want me happy. all they want is what they want. i've had it but i'm being overpowered left in right. i'm already dead inside so whats the point on fighting anymore. is it really worth it in the end when there isnt anymore in your corner. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling powerless. i just dont know what to do anymore.
We love you and want you happy! :)
PM me sweetie and rant away. I am here for you.
Please answer the PM I just sent you.
happiness is outside of my range. i see what happiness can bring but i can never make it mine. all i'm left with is a yearning for the warmth but instead all i find is bitter cold and forever trapped in a vicious cycle of what i call my life. i cant escape from it. just like the sheep tied to a pole with rope, once i eat all the grass around me i will starve.
Not true sweetie, you are just having a rough time right now. Keep Pming me. Most of us here have been where you are now so we get it, we really do. I am here to help you through it just like others did for me. That's how it works.
maybe i still have a little hope left. not much but its all i got. i've saved it but i'm shocked i had to use it now. once this is gone, i'm just going to simply disappear
Brianna with me on the job now energy is literally flowing into you right now. You are not going to disappear on my watch missy! Another PM sent. Like it or not this is one Flight Medic that gives up on no one!
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 28, 2014, 12:57:37 AM
Brianna with me on the job now energy is literally flowing into you right now. You are not going to disappear on my watch missy! Another PM sent. Like it or not this is one Flight Medic that gives up on no one!
thnx sis. making this little bag of hope i have left feel much heavier and full
Quote from: Brianna Terryal Onyx on May 28, 2014, 12:37:27 AM
just like the sheep tied to a pole with rope, once i eat all the grass around me i will starve.
The smart sheep eats the grass to bide time to chews through the rope.
Your a smart sheep :)
GOOD! Time to get a bigger bag though because I am not done yet. Another PM on the way.
well i was hoping for some good news today but never got it. my depression is just increasing by the minute. i tried to force myself to eat, but now i want to just rid myself of it. sometimes i really hate being left alone and at the mercy of my own misery.
well, i finally calmed down but damage was done. idk what to do anymore :'(
Im sorry you feel like that, most of us know that feel
you need to be strong
Let me share some personal history in hopes that maybe it can at least cheer you up or help on the hope front. When I came out of the closet, my relationship with my family was very damaged. My mother wasn't sure how to deal with this and was considering kicking me out, forcing me to go to reparative therapy (hell exorcism was mentioned), and was calling me names, threatneing me and warning me that the sky would fall. None of the bad things she said would happen have come to light. So far, I haven't been raped, murdered, beaten or anything else along those lines. And my mother while upset has yet to kick me out and has been dealing with the changes as they come along, just very slowly (which is also true for me). What people say to you in the beginning isn't a gurantee that they will always be there. OF course it hurts like hell to be there and I wish I could take away that pain. I'll never ever forget what it was all like, but please know that one day this may all just be an unpleasant memory and both your current reality and potential future could be much brighter. For now, please continue to let it out and talk to us. Just don't let the hope bag run out because you never know.
Keep hold of that little bit of hope and let it flourish Brianna! That's right, there are seeds in that bag to sprout new hope! Remember all the good times you have had and are going to have!
I don't exactly know what you are going through, but I can imagine one thing or another. There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish now and again. I was in the same boat with family and friends veimetly(sp) against what I was/am doing, but I had to continue on for myself. It was to the point where I was contemplating just wasting away but that path was not for me, nor is it for you!
You will find many people who say "you can't do this" or "you don't have what it takes". Ignore them. They are too ignorant to see the potential that I believe lurks in everyone. Yes! Even in you Brianna! Sure, you may face some setbacks on your journey, but there will also be good times ahead as well. The people you meet here on these forums and new aqaintences you meet in your life are here for you. Maybe not every minute of the day, but know that our thoughts and positive energy goes out to you to do with what you see fit.
Warm wishes and sending you good thoughts. And remember you are loved!
~Jen
i thought about going on a psych watch. i'll see what happens tomorrow and i'll go in friday and request an observation and watch. its the only other thing i can think of
As long as it is your decision and you feel that would be best for you, best of wishes. I sincerely hope you feel better, and get over whatever it is that's making you so down.
~Jen
its my only other option. who knows, it might turn out to be what i need in this hellish time i'm in
Whatever you do, keep us updated so we can be there if you need us.
There is no shame in going for help if you feel you need it, so please do what's best for you. The worst part of most struggles is when you feel you are facing it all alone. Remember, we are all here for you.
Love, relax. I want you to be happy. There are people here that want you to be happy.
You hurting yourself will put you, and only you back. Now, I've cut,burn and tried to kill
myself. But what stopped me from doing that was the thought of, life will still go on.
Yes, people will be hurt and cry at first, they'll visit your grave. Years down the line, you'll
be a memory. Use your pain as your power. I want to see you looking fab as you can, I'll even
throw some clothes to you and a wig. I have random things.
If I can't make you happy as a friend, there will be someone out there who can.
There's too many of our people out there dying, I can't afford to find someone
who is near me going through the same pain, just give up.
You're a lovely person Brii, don't end it because of people trying to cut your dreams short.
Be strong, you have my number, don;t be a stranger. :D
i really do love you guys. i'll try my best to hang in there a little longer.
Quote from: echo_artist on May 29, 2014, 12:38:11 AM
Love, relax. I want you to be happy. There are people here that want you to be happy.
You hurting yourself will put you, and only you back. Now, I've cut,burn and tried to kill
myself. But what stopped me from doing that was the thought of, life will still go on.
Yes, people will be hurt and cry at first, they'll visit your grave. Years down the line, you'll
be a memory. Use your pain as your power. I want to see you looking fab as you can, I'll even
throw some clothes to you and a wig. I have random things.
If I can't make you happy as a friend, there will be someone out there who can.
There's too many of our people out there dying, I can't afford to find someone
who is near me going through the same pain, just give up.
You're a lovely person Brii, don't end it because of people trying to cut your dreams short.
Be strong, you have my number, don;t be a stranger. :D
frankie, you better clear your schedule becuz we are going to hang out lol
Aye Aye capt'n!~
Brianna. Just know this. We all feel lost at one time or another but we are never alone, especially here.
Brianna,
Hope your day is going better and you got some rest. How are you feeling today?
♥Jen
Quote from: Jennifer.Alexandria on May 29, 2014, 09:32:50 AM
Brianna,
Hope your day is going better and you got some rest. How are you feeling today?
♥Jen
i just woke up. my stomach is hurting, my head is pounding and my muscles are aching. other than that i'm ok. a little better than yesterday
Blech, I've had those days before. Well a little better is at least a good start.
Now, get some food in that stomach :)
Quote from: Jennifer.Alexandria on May 29, 2014, 10:13:46 AM
Blech, I've had those days before. Well a little better is at least a good start.
Now, get some food in that stomach :)
i should but i cant eat while i'm in this state or i'll end up bulimic again. maybe when i feel a little more better
Quote from: Brianna Terryal Onyx on May 29, 2014, 10:06:49 AM
i just woke up. my stomach is hurting, my head is pounding and my muscles are aching. other than that i'm ok. a little better than yesterday
I understand. I'm having one of those days myself. Just remember you can get through this. Is there any specific reasons you may be feeling this way today? Would you like to talk about it?
Possibly some ginger tea to settles your stomach or a beverage like Ensure so that you can get some neutrients into your system, which may also help with the headaches if enough magnesium and zinc in it.
Hope you're feeling better soon,
~Jen
Ps. Are you on E/P yet? When I started my mind calmed down significantly over the first week. My endo told me that E is sometimes used to treat various mental problems.
Quote from: Jennifer.Alexandria on May 29, 2014, 11:02:46 AM
Possibly some ginger tea to settles your stomach or a beverage like Ensure so that you can get some neutrients into your system, which may also help with the headaches if enough magnesium and zinc in it.
Hope you're feeling better soon,
~Jen
Ps. Are you on E/P yet? When I started my mind calmed down significantly over the first week. My endo told me that E is sometimes used to treat various mental problems.
still waiting for my doctor to call me and tell me what my endo says. i'd have to wait until july if i make the appointment myself. i'll see if i can find some ginger tea. just a waiting game now.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2014, 10:43:56 AM
I understand. I'm having one of those days myself. Just remember you can get through this. Is there any specific reasons you may be feeling this way today? Would you like to talk about it?
usually when i'm depressed, it can last from a day to a few months depending on the severity. just lingering affects plus i couldnt sleep so i had to take my pills and force myself to sleep
Quote from: Brianna Terryal Onyx on May 29, 2014, 11:22:05 AM
usually when i'm depressed, it can last from a day to a few months depending on the severity. just lingering affects plus i couldnt sleep so i had to take my pills and force myself to sleep
I understand. I just suspect that some of these feelings may be tied to the pills and withdrawals. Believe me, you'll get no judgement from me as I sadly understand in my own way. Just remember that you can overcome this even though you don't feel you can. Once you do, you may feel a lot better but it takes getting through the bad stuff. And I realize it's all hard to deal with while you've got your transition and other events complicating things. Please remember, though, that you aren't alone and there are many of us that have been through these things and are going through them.
Quote from: Brianna Terryal Onyx on May 29, 2014, 11:20:22 AM
still waiting for my doctor to call me and tell me what my endo says. i'd have to wait until july if i make the appointment myself. i'll see if i can find some ginger tea. just a waiting game now.
Yeah, that waiting game sucks. I was going off the wall crazy knowing I had to wait two months when I did decide that this path was the one I truely needed to be me.
~Jen
PS. If there are no premade bags, you can always pour boiling water over sliced up ginger root from the produce aisle.
so, day 2 and still no call from my doctor. i gave him my cell number yet they still dont call me. its getting very frustrating and its only serving to increase my depression to out of control heights. i'm barely hang by a string right now and i've exhausted all my other resources. i'll call in tomorrow but this isnt something that i should be put through. they know what my current stability is and yet it seems like they are doing this on purpose.
Quote from: Brianna Terryal Onyx on May 29, 2014, 03:34:34 PM
so, day 2 and still no call from my doctor. i gave him my cell number yet they still dont call me. its getting very frustrating and its only serving to increase my depression to out of control heights. i'm barely hang by a string right now and i've exhausted all my other resources. i'll call in tomorrow but this isnt something that i should be put through. they know what my current stability is and yet it seems like they are doing this on purpose.
From my own experience of working in a doctor's office, usually the staff relays a message back from the doctor, unless it's an immediate hospital call. However, 2 days without a message isn't always rare, unless it's an urgent situation. May I ask, what are you asking the doctor? Is there a specific thing you want from them? I understad you aren't feeling well, but I'm not sure what you are hoping the doctor to do? Just clarifying. Sometimes it's hard to accommodate non-specific requests over the phone, so please note that urgent care is best dealt with a one on one appointment or clinic visit. I don't want you waiting around too long if you feel you need to be taking action right now.
In any case, I'm really sorry you aren't feeling well. Please know that at the very least we are all here to talk with you during this time.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2014, 04:24:43 PM
From my own experience of working in a doctor's office, usually the staff relays a message back from the doctor, unless it's an immediate hospital call. However, 2 days without a message isn't always rare, unless it's an urgent situation. May I ask, what are you asking the doctor? Is there a specific thing you want from them? I understad you aren't feeling well, but I'm not sure what you are hoping the doctor to do? Just clarifying. Sometimes it's hard to accommodate non-specific requests over the phone, so please note that urgent care is best dealt with a one on one appointment or clinic visit. I don't want you waiting around too long if you feel you need to be taking action right now.
In any case, I'm really sorry you aren't feeling well. Please know that at the very least we are all here to talk with you during this time.
my endo had said have my doctor contact her. might be able to get in earlier if i have my doctor call her.
So are you waiting for a call from your pcp notifying you that they contacted your endo? If so i don't know if they would contact you about that. You may have to keep calling them on a daily basis. If its the endo that you are supposed to be hearing from, then give them a ring.
Unfortunatly, most of those places close @ 1600-1730, so the next time to contact them would be tomorrow morning.
Have you been able to get anything down today hun? Need to keep up your strength.
~Jen
i was about to eat a little though i feel sick to my stomach still. i'll call in the office tomorrow and get the status. i may have to make an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow. he's going to probably ask me a hella amount of questions but i'm prepared for that. imma try and see if i can sleep tonight without my pills and maybe i'll be able to regain some energy back
Quote from: Brianna Terryal Onyx on May 29, 2014, 05:58:21 PM
i was about to eat a little though i feel sick to my stomach still. i'll call in the office tomorrow and get the status. i may have to make an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow. he's going to probably ask me a hella amount of questions but i'm prepared for that. imma try and see if i can sleep tonight without my pills and maybe i'll be able to regain some energy back
I think laying off the pills would be a great start and everyone here would be proud of you for doing that. It's hard, I know this more than anyone, but it's a great first step to getting better. Just relax and deal with the issue again tomorrow. For now, try to clear your mind and get some sleep.
I'm a holistic nerd, I'll give you some natural that'll help you sleep,with out the pain.
Quote from: echo_artist on May 29, 2014, 07:21:55 PM
I'm a holistic nerd, I'll give you some natural that'll help you sleep,with out the pain.
seriously, why havent we ever met up before lol. your awesome. that would help a lot lol
Hope you got some answers today. Just had my first electrolysis session yesterday, and my upper lip and chin are super swollen. I look like my parents were monkeys >_<. Also a bit difficult to open my mouth, but still can. Just wanted to let you know, since i never came across huge swelling when researching. Though it makes sence that the area would swell due to all the cellular damage done.
~Jen
Quote from: Jennifer.Alexandria on May 30, 2014, 12:44:18 PM
Hope you got some answers today. Just had my first electrolysis session yesterday, and my upper lip and chin are super swollen. I look like my parents were monkeys >_<. Also a bit difficult to open my mouth, but still can. Just wanted to let you know, since i never came across huge swelling when researching. Though it makes sence that the area would swell due to all the cellular damage done.
~Jen
i do have a bit of news. i have to be put on high dose due to my particular situation, so i must see an OBG/YN. going to get my referral today from my doctor and call to make an appointment
Well that is fantastic! Though I'm sort of confused why you already need to see an OBG/YN. Hopefully they can get you in next week. Wouldn't that be great ;D
~Jen
P.S. I was on a moderate dose for the first 3 months, and kicked it up to high after that, but couldn't really tell the difference. So excited for you ^_^
sweet! Someone is gonna get all the hips now. lol ^^
Quote from: echo_artist on May 30, 2014, 09:51:24 PM
sweet! Someone is gonna get all the hips now. lol ^^
xD i already have some hips and curves, after HRT, imma have to hire a bodyguard xD
._./ I'll help, I'll be the back up one though....since I'm short.
Quote from: echo_artist on May 30, 2014, 10:11:35 PM
._./ I'll help, I'll be the back up one though....since I'm short.
haha, being short is good cuz you can kick harder if needed xD
Quote from: echo_artist on May 30, 2014, 10:11:35 PM
._./ I'll help, I'll be the back up one though....since I'm short.
Plus: surprise attack from below ;D
They'll never expect it
i'll carry my executioner's blade so i'll be well protected now xD
why is it when i get lost in my thoughts, i always end up feeling depressed. its really upsetting. i'm not really an emotional person or so i thought. everyone reads me like an open book, i'm becoming more predictable and today, i kept finding a cop at every corner either follow me or just ride around slowly tracking me. maybe it was just my imagination but geez, its either that or they think i might end up doing something stupid. i have generalized anxiety but other than that, i'm not mental ill, so what is it.
Its probably paranoia. You're too gentle for the cops to get you.x3
Quote from: echo_artist on June 01, 2014, 10:56:08 AM
Its probably paranoia. You're too gentle for the cops to get you.x3
perhaps it is paranoia. xD i guess i cant deny that i am a gentle soul but its the those you have to be careful around o.o xD haha!
...Might want to hang with new friends, you never want to be caught in that crowd in the wrong time,
especially from what I'm hearing about trans in jail, it sounds like an emotional and mentally painful experience.
Quote from: echo_artist on June 02, 2014, 10:41:07 PM
...Might want to hang with new friends, you never want to be caught in that crowd in the wrong time,
especially from what I'm hearing about trans in jail, it sounds like an emotional and mentally painful experience.
yea i know. thus why i am happy sometimes i dont go out much, when do, i tend to only stay out for a couple of hours before those crowds start popping up