This is a call for help, I couldn't sleep at all tonight..
I've been operated for 3 years but always had trouble with staring down at my female parts, and yeah sometimes breasts.. it happened only a few times in the past when I decided to check myself out.. weirdly thought they always felt good and I was happy with being able to wear nice bathing suits and panties.. But recently it happened alot it was hot and I felt bothered by my vagina, and the sensation was just weird.. especially when I closed my legs together and felt like something was missing. And then I started wondering about something.. as far as I remember I never felt like being a girl was a natural thing, and there was never a confirmation that I was one during my moments, couple that with the fact that even though I was happy with being called and girl.. AND I mean really happy, it caught me off guard at times. All that started making me wonder if I hadn't created a girl because I hated being a guy.. even though that started at 4 years old. And if that's the truth my god.. I just don't know what to do next, also I've been obsessed and envious of girls since well forever, and hated my male body since also forever.. maybe it wasn't for the right reason.
But well right now i just feel shattered.. like seriously all the pain I went through, and I mean it.. I cried, wanted to die over this, and its a lie?! A consolation price would be to ATLEAST be bigendered, since I always felt like the girl was a part of me and not the whole me.
But like wow.. if I made myself FtM.. I'm really really stupid.. and I need help bad.
I need to know one thing.. if I felt like my old body was the real me, even thought I hated it being male.. was I truely transexual..?
And same old same old, I don't feel any weirdness whatsoever the whole day, and just lie depressed till my clit starts hurting and bam immediate concern. Now I really don't know, why is this vagina so important to me if its not mine? That's pretty much how its been for the 3 years, even the first day, I just didn't think about the change and I felt like I had it my whole life, I was a perfect fit with it. And yeah if I keep bringing the old body back, then I start panicking, but if I don't I just live normally without a damn problem and actually happy to see a girl looking back at me.
At this point, I wonder if its even worth it.. After the day I had of waking up, everything got clear. I just wanted to be a girl because I felt they were the best. I learnt to hate my body, not because it was weird to me, but because it wasn't a girl's one.. I had Venus envy without being a girl. That's why my feelings of happiness were genuine but inside I knew they were a lie, or I felt it atleast.
This is like the worst day of my life.. I dunno if I can take this. I spent money, I suffered emotionally all for a freaking lie.
And the worst in this.. I don't think I can recover, because I'll always be jealous.. always have these feelings. And I'll never like being male..
This damn SRS going free for Quebec citizen, I was too scared it was gonna be abolished so I went for it.. That's the problem, I took shortcuts and paid for it dearly.
OK, I am confused here are you Post Op Female to Male, or the other direction??
The answer is not really important in most ways, because i do have a "one size fits both" answer, which is to schedule an appointment with a Therapist who knows gender issues or is an "A"line Gender Therapist. I know at 48 hours post op M2F I regretted my surgery no end, but pain meds did help mine for the necessary time and today I am happier than ever b4. A gender therapist can help you reconcile what you have done with what can be done or cannot be done, but it will take some time. Please seek counseling as quick as you can, you situation does need help. Go over to chat here and get someone to talk to you in real time.
I may be wrong here (hope I am) but my Troll Alarm is going off BIG time.. Waaaay too many conflicting thoughts in those posts.. as I said tho, I may be wrong.
I'm not a troll, ideas are going everywhere because that's how I felt, utterly confused. And on second day I just feel even more terrible.. I called my therapist and I'll check with her. Believe me I wish I was a troll, because this is currently destroying my life and my parents. It's like as if I had lived as genders all my life and now I just woke up as me, after the whole fantasy of wanting to be a girl was over. That's basically why they were good feelings, because I was living a dream that I really wanted, but dreams are just fleeting, once the excitement is gone you wake up and reality sets in. I don't feel any safe haven anymore.. I just hope dilating won't cause me too much psychological pain.
As for why I didn't post more, well I actually went on the chat and talked to dani for a while.
But yeah I don't think there's anything wrong with my head now, its all in the body.
Still I need to confirm my feelings before I start on a new road.
Catherine, Yoann.. not sure who I should sign as anymore
Shizan,
Reading your posts, I'm as confused as everyone else. In your first post you say:
Quote from: Shizan on July 22, 2014, 06:54:47 AM
This is a call for help, I couldn't sleep at all tonight..
I've been operated for 3 years but always had trouble with staring down at my female parts, and yeah sometimes breasts.. it happened only a few times in the past when I decided to check myself out.. weirdly thought they always felt good and I was happy with being able to wear nice bathing suits and panties.. But recently it happened alot....
Based on that, I get the impression that you did your GRS 3 years ago but were no longer happy with your decision. However, in your most recent post you go on to say:
Quote from: Shizan on July 23, 2014, 12:16:41 PM
I'm not a troll, ideas are going everywhere because that's how I felt, utterly confused. And on second day I just feel even more terrible.. .. I just hope dilating won't cause me too much psychological pain.
Which makes it sound like you are just two days post-op and wondering, among others, how you will handle dilating.
If this thread is to go anywhere, you might like to try being clearer about what your situation is ie. MTF ?, GRS done (date)?, when you started having issues etc..
Hugs
Donna
I hope I'm wrong, but I'm out of here... I'm allergic to trolls..
If you are not, then just a few answers to,
Where did you have your surgery,
Who was the doctor,
What wasn't clear about post op aftercare and regimen?
Okay let's start from the beginning, I had vaginoplasty on September 28 2011 by Dr Brassard, so its been almost 3 years. I was happy at first, glowing even, finally rid of tucking in and able to wear panties comfortably, finally having the right genitals to have sex with, finally no longer feeling that sack and penis between my legs. It felt like paradise, and for a while it stayed that way. The first day I felt the weird white condom out, there was no feeling of dread, there was comfort, even when I first could pee without the catether, or whatever its called. During the months after the operation, I kept caring for my vagina as best as possible, watching and even worrying when something seemed off. I called the nurses so many times on different little details. It never felt weird in the slightest.
However it didn't last.. see I always had this conflict inside of me of whether or not I was really a girl, or if I was just wanting to be one but was a guy. Because of that, I started analyzing the new body and the life attached to it every time I did, it felt weird. I'd even say I questioned if it was really me. However since I was still living my fantasy of being a girl, I could just continue on living without asking myself if I was really one. But something was still nagging me in my mind and I couldn't let the girl me go fully. So I kept interrupting my moments and continue trying to find the answer of if I was a girl or not. I started waking up pulling my covers and being surprised at the body I found underneath more and more. I would shower my hand would go down my body and I'd forget I had this body and would feel vaginal lips. I also forgot I had breasts at times and turned around in my sleep and I'd suddenly feel them.
On the third year, I would try to pleasure myself without using porn, you know to start over and explore this new body, but I would just feel weird looking at it. There's something else too, you know how I said I was wondering if Catherine was the real me earlier. Sometimes I would go outside go buy something, forgot about my body, and the cashier would say ma'm or miss, and I'd have a reaction of what? And even then I would feel happy.. just like when my mom said my voice was getting better, that people never saw me as a guy. These were real feelings.. like seriously.
If we go back when I first transitioned.. I was glowing just as well. I have asperger syndrome and I literally learnt to express myself as Catherine, to smile, a real smile. But that's the thing no matter how much I loved to be in this life, there was a feeling, of the emotions are too strong, they're dream like. Even the colors seemed brighter, I dunno if hormones do that. But geez how could anyone think that this was a fake me.. I have never known happiness before this life, I had felt miserable. I started hating having a penis so much after I started transitioning, I mean I never liked it before it but geez now it seemed even more intruding on my life, of course I felt like SRS was the right path.
Back to the third year again, a few weeks ago.. I don't know what happened.. but its like the fantasy began to dissipate, I was playing a game on my 3ds, naked with just a shirt on, and my legs were closed, and for a while I was fine, but at one time I started thinking about the vagina.. and how it felt annoying today, not just annoying, I just couldn't play my game anymore.. I wanted the feeling to go away but it wouldn't. A little less than 2 months later, it started being hot at night, like really hot, so I had trouble sleeping.. I started trying to sleep on my side, because sometimes it helps with the sleeping.. But the first surprise was of course the breasts.. they felt a bit intrusive, but I shrugged it off. I closed my legs together again, and at first it was okay, but since I was still in analysis mode I began to focus on it, and how I felt.. and then I panicked when I felt.. well near nothing. Don't get me wrong there was a sensation but.. I think it was the absence of another sensation that scared me. I went back to sleeping on my back and just ruled it at the fact that I was thinking of the old body and had the wrong body to do so, so it was creating a bad feeling. Like if the old me was still inside me and I just brought him back with my thoughts. I was satisfied with that answer.. yet another night.. same story but this time it was on my back that I felt my vagina, and the weird feeling. And the nights just continued but I continued blaming it on my search for the answer of if I was really a girl and the analysis I kept doing..
Back to the night before this day.. things went wrong.. just like I said, I felt something was missing because I tried again to sleep on my side.. This time I didn't sleep.. I began to really question it.. comparing what other trans friends had said to me.. And it suddenly hit me.. what it meant to be trans.. It wasn't about a desire to be a particular sex, it was about the pain of living in one and wanting to change that. But my pain had only started because of my desires not the other way around. I had no feelings of being called the wrong gender, I just didn't want to be associated with guys, and wanted to be associated with girls. So that's how I got my answer. All this time I had gender euphoria not dysphoria.. I wasn't trans, I was just a guy who hated being a guy. That's what I figured.. I would love to know that Catherine wasn't just a fantasy, so that I could atleast have moments of happiness in this body and life.. but.. it seems very unlikely now.
As for the whole 2nd day.. I meant today, as in the 2nd day since my bubble has popped. And the bubble really has popped.. everything Catherine was is gone. I dilated and those were the worst 20 mins of my life, I couldn't wait till it ended. I still use green and orange and since my cavity closes fast I have to go on a 2 day frequency even after all this time. But yeah.. I look at my dresses at my jewelry.. Its like if I was a completely different person, I have no interest in them at all. Even my kitty couldn't cheer me up, the pain in my stomach just wouldn't leave me as I pet her. I know I sound dramatic, but I've always been this way and this is like the worst joke ever, atleast I would have expected Catherine to be a part of me.. she certainly felt like it..
Anyway I go to see my therapist tomorrow, I'll tell you guys about it.
But from everything I told, I don't think I'm wrong this time.
PS: The first post might have seen like a jumbled mess because I had not 1 hour of sleep that night, and I felt desperate for help. So desperate that I just signed myself up on the forum that same day.. Which is why I don't blame you for it feeling trollish now that I think about it.
Alright, my profound apologies hon.. yes your first posts were a jumble of words, we were on our guard.. I am sorry..
As for where you are emotionally.. I will pray for you. You physically, are where I wish I was, there's no doubt in my mind, but we are not all the same. I hope you find your answers. As for bring hot and can't sleep, your place is hot, as in no a/c? Or are you hot, as in temperature (fever) or hot flashes(hormone levels)?
My stupid answers :
Call an a/c guy,
Take your temp,
Get your blood levels checked
I'm not trying to be flippant, I hope you can find your answers.
Hugs for you in any event.
Thank you Shizan for that info. I hope you can start to sort things out with your therapist ASAP.
As for anyone at anytime concerned about "trolls" or whatever, please leave moderation to the moderators. Jumping to conclusions without the full story, especially when someone is down/confused/etc is never helpful. If you ever suspect anything is awry please use the 'report to moderator' button rather than publicly calling someone out. The mods can't be everywhere at once but that is what the button is for. Thanks.
Hi Shizan,
Thanks for the clarifications, much easier to understand now. However, as you might expect, no obvious answers as it does look like you are going to have to go back and ask yourself some pretty fundamental questions about what gender identity means to you.
As it happens, some of the words you use to describe what drove you to transition in the first place also resonate with me eg. being "envious of girls". Going a bit further though, it would be interesting to know what exactly you were envious of?
This whole subject reminds of exchanges I have seen here on what it means to be a woman (for MTF's) and recently on what it means to be man (for FTM's) and to be honest, very few people would answer the same thing. I have even asked quite a few cis-females what "being a woman" meant to them and was suprised how difficult they found it to answer the question.
To the extent that it might be helpful to you, for me, being a woman is above all about how I interact with others but there is also a physical and esthetical dimension to this as how we interact with others dépends very on how they perceive your physical presence, threatening/unthreatening, delicate/rough, soft/hard, pretty/ugly etc...
Since living fulltime and changing my physical appearance enough to be perceived as a woman, I'm far more comfortable about the way I interact with others, it's simply a better "fit" with who I felt I was inside. At a purely physical level, I am also much happier with my appearance and, satisfied through experience that the initial gut feeling was correct, I am now going to do GRS.
I'm tempted to ask how old you were and how much experience you had of living as a woman before you did your GRS as this could also be a factor in explaining some of the feelings you are going through now? I'm also curious to know a little more about what your life has been like since you transtioned, what you do, the relationships you have etc.. as end of the day, life is not just about being; a man, a woman whatever that actually means, but also about doing.
With that, it's 00:24 in my part of the world and time to go to bed but I wish you all the best for your appointment with your therapist tomorrow and hope he/she helps you make some sense of the questions you are asking yourself right now.
Bon courage!
Donna
I'm not post-op, but if I were and I had any thoughts of regret (or "did I make the correct choice?") I would see a the*apist ASAP. you don't want to dwell on this, because that will create strong pathways in your mind over time, and it will just get worse and more difficult to heal.
And if its just "buyers remorse", you want to overcome that and get back to being happy as a girl, inside and out.
Best of luck! *hugs*
Thank you everyone, unfortunately my appointment won't be tommorow. It will be monday.. See I broke my arm recently and I needed physiotherapy tommorow, and I said I wouldn't be able to make it.. But my mom tried to call her again to get me the appointment tommorow, it was already too late. I'll have to stay strong till then. Atleast it's not in a month or so.
I'm 31 years old, I've been living as a woman since I was 24.. but being an asperger person I never was that social, so really I lived the same. Went out for games and shopping. Went to my friends parties or events, the anime conventions. I simply added clothes to the shopping list, and jewelry. However I was always paranoid around strangers over passing, and I remember having thoughts that I was much more man looking then I really was. And that's one thing that I wondered during the whole thing I had bigendered perception, I would either see the more male features in me or the female ones. It was like a filter or something. I'm 6'4" and strong looking so maybe it had somewhat of an impact on me.
As for what I what I was envious of girls?.. umm just them being girls? Like I remember distinctively playing with a girlfriend, and when it was time to leave, I saw that she acted clearly differently with that other girl, and felt jealousy. I even remember her purple bathing suit. As for my identity well it was vague but I always felt like there was a girl trying to take over, and I had to hold her in by keeping saying I was a boy. I was scared of those feelings.. like really scared. I saw her as a parasite able to get loose as soon as I didn't control her. In fact she did do that, and I remember those times. That one time in school, where 2 girls invited me to jump rope, I was purely unconscious and just forgot my body for that time. I went there as if it was the most natural thing. But then I failed to jump the rope and saw my body and reality set it again. Another time was at 13 years old, I was in my bed, and had just started watching softcore porn from my parents tapes.. and I started trying to imitate the girl who humped her pillow in a wet dream.. and it took me a bit, but then it was like I don't have the right genitalia.. WTF. And I cried the rest of the night. Which is weird because well.. I knew I had a penis.. so what I just forgot? I had a moment when I was going to make love to my girlfriend, I was trying to make a man out of me, you know girlfriend, sex. But when I came to put the condom on I froze and looked down at it. My thoughts were "What the ->-bleeped-<- are you doing? This isn't what you want." The last time was the one that made think I had a girl inside the most, it was just surreal. Before I was operated, I hooked up with a boyfriend, and the first day we tried doing it. I climbed untop of him and was gonna lower myself as if I had a vagina and wanted to be penetrated. Then I looked down and was like, uh ->-bleeped-<- wrong organ. Its actually sad if these moments were just part of a fantasy, a fantasy that was on a subconscious level no less. But you can see there's not that much of them. There were a few others but I don't really remember them. One was just me being alone in a car with a hot guy, and it was vague but I could swear I saw myself as a school girl. I certainly wasn't that big burly man thing.
But yeah with my feelings of wanting to be a girl with the couples of moments where I was, the fact that I seemed to mimic them alot unconsciously, and linking myself in female chars shoes unconsciously, say Sailor Moon. I was just like wow, I have to be a girl, otherwise I'm just a crazy guy. Everything is tied to this, my envy, my desires, my regrets, my subconscious..
I know that, when I was 18 I believed it, like there was no doubt.. nothing, I was sure of it. Every thing made sense, everything. And then.. after transitioning I fell on an article saying that there were people that had been wrong, that had regrets.. And it created a seed inside me, and from then on I just had to know.. if I was really a girl. I started comparing myself to girls, boys. Started listening to every bit of dialogue in tv shows, to see how I reacted felt. Looked down at my breasts and analysed them. Compared my past with transexuals, compared my past with asperger transexuals.. It went on and on, I just couldn't stop the thoughts. I needed people to tell me I was a real girl to reassure me. My friends, who I lost a lot because I kept obsessing, were just getting tired and tired of me being a broken record. So part of me wonders if its not overthinking that killed Catherine, or that it was because I wasn't her that my mind obsessed.
I heard from my mom just like a few minutes ago, that asperger people can create worlds around them, maybe its just that. A world where I couldn't see the truth until it was too late.
QuoteA world where I couldn't see the truth until it was too late.
Maybe this doubt you have is "another world"? Given that you've said several times you're happy as a girl...it suggests (to me) that your doubts and fears have created this situation.
Maybe it's your height, maybe its something else. A lot of cis-women are tall and muscular (check out the WNBA for examples).
Maybe treat yourself to a special girly treat, like a manicure or a perm. Something that makes you feel special and doesn't involve your "cooter".
Just a suggestion. Oh, and go to your Monday appointment.
:)
Well yes that is a possibility. But about being happy, today and last night I haven't been happy as a girl, there was no good feelings, dilating was the worst like I said. I suppose I'll use this depression to let it go and see what happens, since I wouldn't be here if I had done this in the first place, imposing restrictions to what may or may not have been a feminine side.
Life is weird sometimes.. after thinking over this situation in many aspects.. I just couldn't believe that the girl identity was false. So I reconciled with myself and felt much better. I could sleep anyway and feel my vagina and be fine with it. But then I wondered over what caused me to think that my gender was real, and a lightbulb flashed inside my head.. The male that I had thought myself to be WAS the fantasy, he was the replacement of the real me, if I couldn't be me I'd be him. He was secondary to me. Now why would I have a fantasy of a man inside of me.. not wanting to suffer, wanting to be normal in this life. I know that the normal me is a girl, but toward society the normal me was a boy. When I began to think of what it would be like to become a man again, there was a blank.. that's because there was never a desire a man's life in me. And that's pretty damn weird if I'm a guy, unless I was brainwashed by the fantasy since freaking 4 years old. I mean my first desires and thoughts were always toward a female life given a choice, the male choice came in second. Prom dance, I want a pretty dress, I want that ugly ring that girl's get. I'll have to settle for men clothing sigh.. well atleast I get to keep a sorta middle age necklace. And even when I doubted myself in transition, the doubts were what ifs on subjects that I felt good on. "I'm happy, I'm more opened and well talkative to people." "What if you just feel that way, because you're not holding the feminine you like you did in the past. That you could have been just as fine being a gay or bisexual man?". Always I couldn't just accept that I was happy this way. I think its because the mind cannot understand things, that the heart can. That being trans is about what you feel inside not what you think, and well my mind is just like you were born in a guy body, there's a bigger chance you're a boy since that's the majority.. It might be just confidence. And also the fact that I was really sick it wasn't just anxiety. I know now because the sickness hasn't gone away and I feel good inside.
As for dilating being horrible, and me hating my lovely dress.. that's easily explainable, I was feeling betrayed disgusted. If I probably would have taken a knife toward my vagina or breasts and thought of doing horrible things to them.. I would have released way before that I still felt feelings toward them.
Still to have been given such a massive blow to the heart only to use that again the false identity.. I never thought THIS was what I needed.
I would try not to panic. You describe a lot of issues conflicting within you and they may not be related, only playing on each other.
I had a similar moment, many even. I asked a lot of the same questions. I tend to second guess and doubt myself and my identity, and that was not directly related to GIDS, though I am sure the two happily exacerbated each other. One of the reasons for therapy is to establish that your gender conflict isn't caused by something else, and that's precisely why I went into it. I was sure it was. It took a long time to disentangle things and to make my decision to go ahead, and then after I took each step, I reexamined myself. Why was I doing this? How can I be sure? What exactly is my gender or orientation? Which is really me? Not quite analysis paralysis, I made decisions, but not far off. I knew I was distorted, and I had shown evidence of GIDS before it was even established as a diagnosis. But I also thought that it was just not liking myself. I had to learn to step back and recognize what was GIDS and what was my own self doubt, which I think for me was about feeling bad about myself for other reasons. It is very easy to mix one with the other, and as I went into therapy and eventually transition, I began to see the differences and the boundaries between the two. I know I never thought that transition would make me happier, only that it would put me in the skin I needed and should have been. I decided to go forward knowing that. But the doubts would re-emerge after I had transitioned as well.
My mother once asked me if I had any regrets about changing. I told her that, for me, at a certain point, going back was not an option and not even appealing. It was not because I could not (I was pre-GRS), but because I didn't ascribe my unhappiness to my gender and where I was. I was happy enough in those parts of my life (but I needed reassurance more than was healthy, but that was true for non-transition issues as well). I am sure I pay social and other prices for transitioning, though it's not overt and not as I had feared. I didn't feel I was driven to transition, I had made a choice after a long process.
I guess what I am asking is, have you considered that what's going on is not about gender, but about trying to find peace about other issues?
One other thing I have found is that post transition I am almost a stranger to many people I knew. The physical and psychic change is so profound to them they have to reacquaint themselves with me. I often hear "your persona is so different now, inward and outward." These friends may not always find old me and new me interchangeable, and my relationships drift. To a point I find I am also a stranger to myself, which can be disconcerting. Stripping away an old identity leaves you vulnerable, even if it's a fresh start. We may be forced to confront things about ourselves that are not gender related that we never had to before, or were willing to. This may be that sort of situation. I don't know, it just a thought.
I hope you find some answers quickly, and that you get back to a comfortable place with yourself.
You raise a good point, I think I have issues with being me, because for one its a loss of control. Back then I could control who I was, be who I wanted. But letting things go means losing that grip, and discovering a new me.. And from what I've seen that me is a hell lot feminine, she scares me. I kinda wanted to be a kickass tomboy, not the gentle girly nerdy girl. I'm also scared that losing the old me means I won't be able to hide from the pain anymore, and I might do stupid things out of not thinking and get hurt. I think part of me is just scared to move on because it will be different. But at the same time, maybe its time I accepted that.. because as a fake me I can never be strong. And from what I saw today, I'm a hell of a lot more social than I believed when I don't over think my gender, and way more alive. Also someone mentioned the body might be causing me to see myself as male.. I think they're right, I always hated my strong arms, and height and associated it to the male. But that's also something that needs to change, that strong and tall does not mean male. So yeah quite a few issues that have nothing to do with GIDS.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl who felt like they were smaller in their bodies. Its probably a society construct thought, I doubt my body height is a real gender issue.
Quote from: Shizan on July 24, 2014, 03:12:26 PM
You raise a good point, I think I have issues with being me, because for one its a loss of control. Back then I could control who I was, be who I wanted. But letting things go means losing that grip, and discovering a new me.. And from what I've seen that me is a hell lot feminine, she scares me. I kinda wanted to be a kickass tomboy, not the gentle girly nerdy girl. I'm also scared that losing the old me means I won't be able to hide from the pain anymore, and I might do stupid things out of not thinking and get hurt. I think part of me is just scared to move on because it will be different. But at the same time, maybe its time I accepted that.. because as a fake me I can never be strong. And from what I saw today, I'm a hell of a lot more social than I believed when I don't over think my gender, and way more alive. Also someone mentioned the body might be causing me to see myself as male.. I think they're right, I always hated my strong arms, and height and associated it to the male. But that's also something that needs to change, that strong and tall does not mean male. So yeah quite a few issues that have nothing to do with GIDS.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl who felt like they were smaller in their bodies. Its probably a society construct thought, I doubt my body height is a real gender issue.
I think control is a big issue for anyone. The good thing is that you have more control than you may think. You get to be that kick ass tomboy if that's what you want, or any other "you" that is right for you. I find that one of the worst things I could do in life, and more so after I transitioned, was let anyone else define me. You get to do that! That's not a matter of male/female, it's about being true to who you are and finding a place to be strong from. It's there, it just may need rescuing and brushing off. Strong = female too, as you say. It's about character and personality. Be you and be out there, and you'll never feel small or marginalised. Women often are made to feel invisible, and transwomen even more so. Don't give someone else that power.
It's great to hear that you are more social, especially when you don't overthink things. I am guilty of that too. The more you embrace everyday as everyday, and just go out and "be," the more you shed the doubts and enjoy you. I'd say let yourself "like" you and you'll find your world blossoms.
I really need to go to therapy, there seems to be a blockage inside me. Perception of my body is not the same as feeling it. A good example would be when I feel my changed parts I'm fine with them, but when I look at them to observe say myself masturbating, I just can't shake the feelings of the change. I swear you not, I started playing with my clitoris, just rubbing it, and looking down at what I was doing, and decided to just do it for a while, even tho my perception was just like wtf is this girl body. And then as the feeling got good, I forgot for a moment that perception issue, and saw my belly, which I find too fat for my taste, and my mind instantly went thats the thing that doesn't work. I just don't get it.. Its like outer perception has a male identity and my feelings and my inner have a female one.
So I went to my therapy and well, yeah I made the whole thing up out of anxiety. I need to take my doubts with a grain of salt and not make monsters out of them. I feel better now, I'll just concentrate on living and not focusing too much on the fears inside me. Thank you everyone. I am Catherine, a woman reborn. :D
I'm so pleased that you feel better! The demons come round for a visit with all of us and sometimes stay the night.