Okay let's start from the beginning, I had vaginoplasty on September 28 2011 by Dr Brassard, so its been almost 3 years. I was happy at first, glowing even, finally rid of tucking in and able to wear panties comfortably, finally having the right genitals to have sex with, finally no longer feeling that sack and penis between my legs. It felt like paradise, and for a while it stayed that way. The first day I felt the weird white condom out, there was no feeling of dread, there was comfort, even when I first could pee without the catether, or whatever its called. During the months after the operation, I kept caring for my vagina as best as possible, watching and even worrying when something seemed off. I called the nurses so many times on different little details. It never felt weird in the slightest.
However it didn't last.. see I always had this conflict inside of me of whether or not I was really a girl, or if I was just wanting to be one but was a guy. Because of that, I started analyzing the new body and the life attached to it every time I did, it felt weird. I'd even say I questioned if it was really me. However since I was still living my fantasy of being a girl, I could just continue on living without asking myself if I was really one. But something was still nagging me in my mind and I couldn't let the girl me go fully. So I kept interrupting my moments and continue trying to find the answer of if I was a girl or not. I started waking up pulling my covers and being surprised at the body I found underneath more and more. I would shower my hand would go down my body and I'd forget I had this body and would feel vaginal lips. I also forgot I had breasts at times and turned around in my sleep and I'd suddenly feel them.
On the third year, I would try to pleasure myself without using porn, you know to start over and explore this new body, but I would just feel weird looking at it. There's something else too, you know how I said I was wondering if Catherine was the real me earlier. Sometimes I would go outside go buy something, forgot about my body, and the cashier would say ma'm or miss, and I'd have a reaction of what? And even then I would feel happy.. just like when my mom said my voice was getting better, that people never saw me as a guy. These were real feelings.. like seriously.
If we go back when I first transitioned.. I was glowing just as well. I have asperger syndrome and I literally learnt to express myself as Catherine, to smile, a real smile. But that's the thing no matter how much I loved to be in this life, there was a feeling, of the emotions are too strong, they're dream like. Even the colors seemed brighter, I dunno if hormones do that. But geez how could anyone think that this was a fake me.. I have never known happiness before this life, I had felt miserable. I started hating having a penis so much after I started transitioning, I mean I never liked it before it but geez now it seemed even more intruding on my life, of course I felt like SRS was the right path.
Back to the third year again, a few weeks ago.. I don't know what happened.. but its like the fantasy began to dissipate, I was playing a game on my 3ds, naked with just a shirt on, and my legs were closed, and for a while I was fine, but at one time I started thinking about the vagina.. and how it felt annoying today, not just annoying, I just couldn't play my game anymore.. I wanted the feeling to go away but it wouldn't. A little less than 2 months later, it started being hot at night, like really hot, so I had trouble sleeping.. I started trying to sleep on my side, because sometimes it helps with the sleeping.. But the first surprise was of course the breasts.. they felt a bit intrusive, but I shrugged it off. I closed my legs together again, and at first it was okay, but since I was still in analysis mode I began to focus on it, and how I felt.. and then I panicked when I felt.. well near nothing. Don't get me wrong there was a sensation but.. I think it was the absence of another sensation that scared me. I went back to sleeping on my back and just ruled it at the fact that I was thinking of the old body and had the wrong body to do so, so it was creating a bad feeling. Like if the old me was still inside me and I just brought him back with my thoughts. I was satisfied with that answer.. yet another night.. same story but this time it was on my back that I felt my vagina, and the weird feeling. And the nights just continued but I continued blaming it on my search for the answer of if I was really a girl and the analysis I kept doing..
Back to the night before this day.. things went wrong.. just like I said, I felt something was missing because I tried again to sleep on my side.. This time I didn't sleep.. I began to really question it.. comparing what other trans friends had said to me.. And it suddenly hit me.. what it meant to be trans.. It wasn't about a desire to be a particular sex, it was about the pain of living in one and wanting to change that. But my pain had only started because of my desires not the other way around. I had no feelings of being called the wrong gender, I just didn't want to be associated with guys, and wanted to be associated with girls. So that's how I got my answer. All this time I had gender euphoria not dysphoria.. I wasn't trans, I was just a guy who hated being a guy. That's what I figured.. I would love to know that Catherine wasn't just a fantasy, so that I could atleast have moments of happiness in this body and life.. but.. it seems very unlikely now.
As for the whole 2nd day.. I meant today, as in the 2nd day since my bubble has popped. And the bubble really has popped.. everything Catherine was is gone. I dilated and those were the worst 20 mins of my life, I couldn't wait till it ended. I still use green and orange and since my cavity closes fast I have to go on a 2 day frequency even after all this time. But yeah.. I look at my dresses at my jewelry.. Its like if I was a completely different person, I have no interest in them at all. Even my kitty couldn't cheer me up, the pain in my stomach just wouldn't leave me as I pet her. I know I sound dramatic, but I've always been this way and this is like the worst joke ever, atleast I would have expected Catherine to be a part of me.. she certainly felt like it..
Anyway I go to see my therapist tomorrow, I'll tell you guys about it.
But from everything I told, I don't think I'm wrong this time.
PS: The first post might have seen like a jumbled mess because I had not 1 hour of sleep that night, and I felt desperate for help. So desperate that I just signed myself up on the forum that same day.. Which is why I don't blame you for it feeling trollish now that I think about it.
