Im almost 20 years old, Ill be 20 in November. My mom is adamant that I am NOT transgender, that this is a phase, a whim of sorts. She has also made it clear that something in my head 'isn't right' and she keeps trying to self diagnose me as "OCD and 'Identity Disordered". Her reasons for my supposed OCD is because I collect legos, I have a few video games I'm really into, and I like these game figures called 'skylanders' so I collect them for my game. I also collect My Little Pony, and guitars/musical things because I like music. All of this is OCD to her. For the record, all Ive ever had was ADHD Inattentive type and a learning disability for math. Thats it. Why I would want OCD, I don't know. I watch Howard stern and hear of Howie Mandell, Thats OCD. Not liking skylanders or collecting ponies and stuff. So to bring ya'll up to speed; My therapist/LCSW has told her numerous times to please please please get me into this trans youth, genderqueer, questioning and what not Clinic, its basically a gender specializing clinic. Ive contacted them, they are so much more than happy to help me, I just need to get there. My whole problem is that SHE promised to my counselor to take me, I signed a release form with him so he and the professionals there can correspond, etc. We leave the counselors, and she tells me shes not taking me to some 'lgbt clinic" and that I need a psychiatrist that shes looking into. I don't think she understands any of this I really don't, Im scared because I don't want to go to her psychiatrist, I don't. She will lie to them and tell them all this stuff about me to make me sound crazy and deranged of sorts. I don't know what to do really, the special clinic would love to take me and care for me there. I need to get there, but I just don't know how. I feel stagnated and lost, angry and spiteful. Please help :/
You are 20 years old, that makes you an adult. Your mother cannot make you see anyone you do not wish to. However, that said, unless the therapist is a religious nut or a reparative-therapy type then he/she should be able to diagnose Gender Dysphoria. If the therapist has a religious agenda then do not waste your time. Any proper psychiatrist should be able to diagnose Gender Dysphoria even if they do not specialise in it. As an adult you can tell the psychiatrist that you do not want her in the room with you.
Why not just make your own appointment with a known GD therapist? Just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I would like an appointment please"
Well, I'm sure your mother is frightened that you may actually be transgendered and in denial of that possibility. I'm guessing she's paying for the therapy so you're at here mercy. A good psychiatrist will be able to identify your gender issues and hopefully refer you to a gender therapist if she or he is unable to treat you. I'm sorry you are experiencing this problem and perhaps someone here who has been through it can offer up some helpful advice. Hugs.
Thanks aaggat, I would love to call up this clinic I'm wanting to go to and say hey lets make an appointment, but I have no ride, mom wont take me, no friends to take me; so i feel utterly screwed to say the least. And the fact that shes threatened numerous times to kick me out.
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 02:48:32 PM
Thanks aaggat, I would love to call up this clinic I'm wanting to go to and say hey lets make an appointment, but I have no ride, mom wont take me, no friends to take me;
Bus? Taxi? Bicycle?
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 02:48:32 PMAnd the fact that shes threatened numerous times to kick me out.
And yet you are still there. So she uses the threat to control you and get the behaviour she wants. Do you have a job?
@ aaggat Well via car, to get to the clinic is only 53 minutes, vs the busses or train which would take around 2+ hours so time wise driving would be the best IMO; and no I don't have much of a job, I worked on and off, part time for my grandfathers factory but quit when I the physical labor was actually leaving me bruised, inhaling plastic shavings, etc, the work environment wasn't any good for my health basically.
@Katherine. She worries that Im going to do something that Ill regret. She also doesn't believe the counselor when he says stuff to her about this, her and the families claim is that he's putting things into my head and telling me what I want to hear, that the counselor didnt work for my brothers depressive issues so he's not helping for me. She wishes she could get me in with this other stupid counselor who would pray with me when I was little, thats all we would do. We would pray and play board games. She keeps bringing it up like "oh wish penny was still around she was really good". Like NO all we did was pray, thats not going to do jack.
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 03:01:05 PM
@ aaggat Well via car, to get to the clinic is only 53 minutes, vs the busses or train which would take around 2+ hours so time wise driving would be the best IMO;
Well, since you have no work colleagues who can help, what about a neighbour? You could offer to pay for petrol
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 03:01:05 PM
She wishes she could get me in with this other stupid counselor who would pray with me
Religious counselling for gender issues is a waste of time. In fact it is more likely to damage you than help you. If your mother is deeply religious then there is no point in explaining this to her because she will not believe anything that goes against her beliefs.
An alternative... find a local psychiatrist. One you CAN get to on your own. Any properly qualified shrink can give you the initial diagnosis you need, but religious types are a waste of your time.
My own opinion is that fundamentalist religious types are the ones that need psychiatric counselling, not us folks with GD.
well, once you said the therapist's treatment was prayer, it's time to look for another therapist. A priest prays a qualified therapist tries to give you medical advice.
Hi :)
Iam sorry you're going through this. You have to understand that it's difficult for parents to accept this, and they'll do everything they can to sort out any problem you may have that's blurring your thinking-process.
However, you don't really look like you have OCD, you could have Asperger syndrome but that doesn't in any way invalidade your gender dysphoria.
Your mom is actually trying to "help you", though it's not very helpful of her, she is worried and thinks this is the best way yo help you. She is obviously wrong but she may eventually come around. You need to very patient, and careful. Continue taking small, baby steps to become who you are and she will notice that you are for real. Oh, and find a way to go that LGBT clinic, you have lots of ways: taxi, train, subway, bus, idk, but find a way! Do this for yourself.
Best wishes
I entirely concur with aaggat. Avoid anyone telling you that they can "fix you" via the medium of religion.
It doesn't work, just like "praying away the gay" it has been shown to inculcate shame and depression in individuals. It's harmful psychologically and even those who previously trumpeted it's efficacy are now calling for it to be outlawed.
If you feel that you are being compelled to speak with this psychiatrist, in your position I would insist that your mother remain outside so as not to colour the psychiatrists impressions. You could say that your issues are private, if your mother insists upon staying and the psychiatrist doesn't support you then I would get out fast because they're not there to help you but to satisfy your mothers demands.
If she's threatening to kick you out for not obeying her then your welfare is not her highest priority. It sounds like she's more concerned with having a "normal" child and what the neighbours/her congregation might think than you being happy and healthy.
Have you considered getting in touch with the clinic by phone or email and explaining your situation? They may have experience with others in similar circumstances and may be able to advise or help you.
In the meantime I suggest you look for a job, if you can get some money together then you should be able to make it to the clinic without having to rely on someone ill disposed to take you.
*hugs*
Quote from: Eris on August 05, 2014, 03:31:36 PM
I entirely concur with aaggat. Avoid anyone telling you that they can "fix you" via the medium of religion.
It doesn't work, just like "praying away the gay" it has been shown to inculcate shame and depression in individuals. It's harmful psychologically and even those who previously trumpeted it's efficacy are now calling for it to be outlawed.
If you feel that you are being compelled to speak with this psychiatrist, in your position I would insist that your mother remain outside so as not to colour the psychiatrists impressions. You could say that your issues are private, if your mother insists upon staying and the psychiatrist doesn't support you then I would get out fast because they're not there to help you but to satisfy your mothers demands.
If she's threatening to kick you out for not obeying her then your welfare is not her highest priority. It sounds like she's more concerned with having a "normal" child and what the neighbours/her congregation might think than you being happy and healthy.
Have you considered getting in touch with the clinic by phone or email and explaining your situation? They may have experience with others in similar circumstances and may be able to advise or help you.
In the meantime I suggest you look for a job, if you can get some money together then you should be able to make it to the clinic without having to rely on someone ill disposed to take you.
*hugs*
I agree with Eris on her thoughts and the others here.
Many family push there feeling on us because they are worried what others think and they just can not handle being looked at like OH you have one of them kids.
You go to who you want for a therapist. Also check with the local government support office to see if there is a way for them to give you medical help?
I wish you the best and please remember it is about you and your mental health not hers.
My mom wanted me to try conversion therapy when I came out. Due to the fact that I loathe the catholic church and it's negative impact on me and other family members growing up, I find it odd that those people/priests would "save" me, but whatever. Make sure that you go to a trained therapist that doesn't have a political/idealogical agenda to talk you out of this (you shouldn't let anyone sway you in the opposite direction either). Go to someone that is there to help you through this and make choices that make the most sense for you as an individual. Parents often respond with fear, but they can't run your life. It's hard to go through though. I'll never forget some of the things that were said to me and the blow outs that occured after coming out.
@ learningtolive Oh god the blow outs, the freaking blow outs. Its madness. They're the worst. And so true, the things they ed up saying are beyond ridiculous. I had my fill of growing up in catholic school, thru 8th grade, then I went to public high school. Im not sure which was better ultimately because both were pretty bad. Catholic school I had no support really, had an IEP, ADHD, behavioral issues which I think are now tied to me being transgender, just so so so many things. I can't stand the religious stuff, I grew up with it, I was surrounded by it, I gave into it. But its just sooooo fake. They don't even go to church on sunday which is supposed to be a very religious thing and holy holy; why not. She pulled the 'god card' on me, it was the best (sarcasm). She's like "I'm liberal, artistic, open minded" then I came out and whooooo boy did that change FAST. Also my father is a HUGE Bill Oreily supporter or watcher, whatever. You know, anybody who watches that crap is like back in the 1800s. The average viewer age is 72, that speaks for itself. He's also an ex-navy chief, that doesn't help. Im trying my best to devise a plan to get to the clinic though, I know for a fact that clinic ive looked to is the best place for.
~Thanks to all for the replies support and help even if I didnt get back to you individually!
Quote from: aaggat on August 05, 2014, 03:14:02 PM
Religious counselling for gender issues is a waste of time. In fact it is more likely to damage you than help you. If your mother is deeply religious then there is no point in explaining this to her because she will not believe anything that goes against her beliefs.
I agree that what most fundamentalist types believe is damaging to people like us. But I have also seen quite a few parent come around when they realize that how we actually are doesn't line up with what they believed about "those people." So, give her time. You've had years to come to terms with this...it's still very new to her.
I recommend doing some research on the psychiatrist that she wants you to see. I'm sure that a few google searches will let you know what they're like. And then call and talk to the receptionist. Ask pointed questions. Explain your situation and say that your mom is insisting on your seeing him and you're wanting to know if he has any experience with gender identity issues. That should let you know if it's a waste of time.
It's possible that she wouldn't even accept his professional diagnosis of gender dysphoria. But she might. So it may be worth a gamble. You just don't want to go to a shrink who misdiagnoses you and adds fuel to the "you're not really trans" fire.
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 09:35:55 PM
@ learningtolive Oh god the blow outs, the freaking blow outs. Its madness. They're the worst. And so true, the things they ed up saying are beyond ridiculous. I had my fill of growing up in catholic school, thru 8th grade, then I went to public high school. Im not sure which was better ultimately because both were pretty bad. Catholic school I had no support really, had an IEP, ADHD, behavioral issues which I think are now tied to me being transgender, just so so so many things. I can't stand the religious stuff, I grew up with it, I was surrounded by it, I gave into it. But its just sooooo fake. They don't even go to church on sunday which is supposed to be a very religious thing and holy holy; why not. She pulled the 'god card' on me, it was the best (sarcasm). She's like "I'm liberal, artistic, open minded" then I came out and whooooo boy did that change FAST. Also my father is a HUGE Bill Oreily supporter or watcher, whatever. You know, anybody who watches that crap is like back in the 1800s. The average viewer age is 72, that speaks for itself. He's also an ex-navy chief, that doesn't help. Im trying my best to devise a plan to get to the clinic though, I know for a fact that clinic ive looked to is the best place for.
~Thanks to all for the replies support and help even if I didnt get back to you individually!
Well, I'll tell you that one's personal political stances doesn't always factor into acceptance. I've noticed some conservatives that probably should despise me in every way have been some of the nicest people to me at this time. Whereas, my former extreme iberal camp has been mixed. Of course, I have had understanding people in my life, but I've also been shunned by others. You never really know how peope are going to take you. With therapy, however, you want someone that's only agenda is to help you find the best path for you as an individual. Anyone that has the goal of talking you out of or into transitioning is doing a disservice. Avoid that no matter how much your family wants you to do it. Go to someone who will help you. Remember you are an adult. They may have influence over you, I know what that's like, but they don't have the ability to control or detirmine your life anymore.
What's the difference?
Annabellekay, I can't offer anything beyond agreeing with previous posters and my, useless, regret that you're stuck in such a deeply restrictive situation. I hope things change and you're able to pursue therapy as quickly as possible so you can live your life as you feel best. You deserve happiness, it is your right.
May I ask if you would be comfortable and safe finding out the name of the psychiatrist your mother is investigating and sharing that name here? It may be unlikely but perhaps people here might have positive or negative experiences to share so you can make the most informed judgement possible.
Personally, I share the worries of others that if your mother is researching specific psychiatrists before sending you to them then it's quite possible she's always going to try to find ways to make her predetermined conclusions 'medically' legitimate via the mouth of willing puppets and will dismiss anything or anybody that doesn't. I hope that's inaccurate and she's merely been trying to find somebody genuinely competent and whose opinion she'll accept.
In the event that the attempts to control and intimidate you become worse, do you have alternatives if I may ask? Such as more accepting family or a local social housing system to turn to so you're safe?
As an aside, I think it wouldn't matter even if you were OCD since that has absolutely no impact on the validity of your personal gender. A great many conditions are merely co-occurring in trans people and do not determine or undermine the legitimacy of who you are in any way at all. In a lot of cases, I expect they're proof of the stress people have been under for being trans.
So heres an update for anybody who was curious or whatever.
Tuesday I was supposed to go to my counselor, I never went. Today my mom said I need 'see somebody who is more aggressive with this' because i told her i was depressed but not to worry about it, that i would take care of it (meaning two things, ill either end up like robin williams so to speak , or ill be running away to the clinic if i must). She doesn't get it. She still wants me to see a psychiatrist, I am not getting anywhere and she is only stagnating me with her ignorance and denial, everything. For being OCD supposedly I haven't showered good in a week, sounds more like depression to me, but nope. I feel utterly hopeless. Today she started to fight with me about some stupid wedding we're supposed to go to, I frankly don't want to go, I hate wearing suits and tuxedos. Its suffocating. It makes me feel physically ill. But today she threw a fit and guilt tripped and shamed me into going, saying "i love this, we have no family, we don't do anything together" then she started to attack me because Im always online, shes like "fine don't go, spend all your time with your 'internet family'", Like what internet family? You mean my Facebook? I deleted it days ago, I have -no- friends, no support. I ask my best friend to take me to the clinic, he never gets back to me via text, I get ignored, Nobody can house me or help me out, I'm stuck in this sinking black hole going deeper and deeper. My mom says I need to go someone who will help me and not make me feel 'worse'. My current counselor doesn't make me feel 'worse'. I feel he has helped me grow up, he has helped me figure out who I am and little things like that. Its her and this fxcking family that is making this worse. I have to hide myself, I don't go out anymore. Usually me and my 14 year old cousin and his mom/my aunt and my family get together for our area, we have a weekend where the town has a rib roast, concerts, little thing. Well this week, we didnt meet up. The reason why? Because my nails are painted. My mom has to hide me from my cousin and his mom because I'm trans. I can't live here anymore, I can't do this anymore. I am going to end up like robin williams if something doesn't get done, If I don't get to a -gender specialist-, this clinic, this place that would LOVE to help me out, but no. Its inevitable wether she wants to realize it or not. If I don't transition, I am going to die, and I am going to die a martyr because something needs to fxcking happen for people to understand this. To know its not only me going through this, it hurts, To feel so helpless, it kills. We went to the store today and I -HAD- to get out because I was getting dysphoric looking at the cute girls at the store, going in the girls eisle and looking at perfume, seeing bras and panties. It gives me anxiety and it makes me depressed to see that, I had to get out. Then when we did I felt drained and moody. She doesn't get dysphoria, nobody will listen to me. This is killing me and I feel like I'm losing my damn sanity and mind to this family, to her.
Get away from her in that case and move in somewhere else. Alternatively, write a letter to your relatives and explain about your dysphoria and post it without her knowing. Once they know then they know and hiding it is pointless.
If you break her control over you then you may make some progress but there will undoubtedly be backlash from her. You need to judge whether the backlash is worse than what you are suffering presently.
Something needs to change.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're not doing well. I had hoped that your update would have some good news.
Having said that, I realize that you're venting and feel very frustrated. But I think it's time for you to put on your big girl pants and make some things happen for yourself. We all understand that dysphoria can be crippling, and you have no shortage of moral support here. But if you're going to deal with your dysphoria, it'll be because you made it happen. You may get some tools from a therapist, but it's still on you.
Does the counselor you want to see do Skype or phone sessions? If not, there are plenty who do.
@ katiej, He will usually call once in a while to check up on me. She tells me not to answer because supposedly each time we talk on the phone he charges money. I can't confirm any charges, but supposedly he does according to my mom. To me it sounds like she doesn't want me talking to him. Our insurance doesn't cover the counseling so we usually have to pay out of pocket, around 170 per session. I used to go every week once a week, and then twice a week, and then tuesday she forgot. I knew very well I had that appointment, I knew she would forget and I was going to see if he called the house before the appointment to see if id be coming or whatever, but no call, and she ultimately forgot, wether intentional or out of the blue. But to me it sounds like she doesn't want me seeing him, as nobody in the family what so ever believes him. Ive found cheaper services at a teen center, they don't have a gender specialist but they actually did a few months ago until she left after 12 years of working there ironically, but the director guy at the teen center said i could talk to him if need be since its cheaper, 10$ for a half hour session rather than my usual full hour. Ironically enough my grandfather is in the 'breakfast exchange club' with this guy who is the LCSW at the teen center. So i could see him there for the time being, but ultimately i should be seeing the clinic, and the the guy even told me that he's seen an epidemic with homeless trans youth and intolerant parents, he's no specialist but he said he'd do what he could to help. Its frustrating to know she just doesn't get it and wishes it would go away, its also sad because I feel like I'm tearing apart this family. I realize i should get some balls and just do this on my own but its hard, i don't know where to start.
I'm curious, if you wanted to join the armed services and your parents said no what would you do
I see your point, you being trans and a vet which I highly respect, thank you by the way. If you did it, I should be able to do it. You -did- it regardless, knowing the military has a policy against trans but you defied it. That takes courage, thats all I can say. I wish i could have that courage.
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 14, 2014, 07:54:58 PM
I realize i should get some balls and just do this on my own but its hard, i don't know where to start.
It sounds to me like you're pretty young, and still living with your parents. Yes?
Have you considered college? Do you have a job? Do you have a long-term plan for what life will look like after transition? Remember that transition isn't the goal...it gets you to the goal of being able to live your life. So what does that life look like for you, and what are you
doing now to get yourself closer to that life?
I'm going to ask some of the tough questions Anna, these were all things I asked myself over the years.
Are you in a position in life to actually begin transitioning?
Are you financially sound and able to pay all of your current bills and have some left over to use for your transition?
Are you able to support yourself in case all safety nets are taken out from under you? For instance what would you do if your family disowns you, can you survive without them?
Do you have a support network of people that you can lean on in times of great mental stress? Having people here on the forum & facebook is ok but having a person you can talk to face to face is very important too.
Are you prepared to face true uncertainty in how you will be treated in public, by family and by co-workers?
Are you prepared to put everything on the line to be yourself and face the harshness of reality that is transitioning?
I asked myself these questions many times throughout my 20's and usually the answer was NO up until I was about to turn 30 last year! The main thing to realize here is that above all else you have to be able to in a good enough place all around to really transition. Sadly this is not cheap to do and most insurances still don't cover costs for most of the things we have to do and end up paying out of pocket. You've witnessed a big roadblock in your own transition and that's the fact that you are totally reliant on your mother for nearly everything from what I've read so far, not harping on you by any means or trying to put you down. IMO as tough as it is and I've completely been there before but you need to work on finding some stability in your life and get out from living under your mom's wings. It sucks, it really really sucks to put transitioning on hold but that's a reality many of us have faced over the years. You are still young and can still easily start really transitioning by your mid 20's and still have very positive results. You can join the military, simply keep the fact that you are transgender a secret while you start to build up a solid life.
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 03:01:05 PM
@ aaggat Well via car, to get to the clinic is only 53 minutes, vs the busses or train which would take around 2+ hours so time wise driving would be the best IMO
Annoying? Yes. Inconvenient? Yes. Insurmountable? No.
The public transit where I live (and will be leaving soon) is horrible. I spent three hours going 17 miles yesterday because of how poorly the local system is. But in the end I did what I needed to do without the help of others.
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 03:01:05 PM
@Katherine. She worries that Im going to do something that Ill regret. She also doesn't believe the counselor when he says stuff to her about this, her and the families claim is that he's putting things into my head and telling me what I want to hear, that the counselor didnt work for my brothers depressive issues so he's not helping for me.
I'm 45 and my mother worries about the same thing. That is the nature of mothers, they want to protect us but unfortunately they can't always see what would help us.
I think that it is fantastic that at your age you are able to identify that you are not comfortable with the gender you were assigned to/raised as and are at least aware of the services that could help you. That is something that I am sure many of us older folks would have liked for ourselves. I know that for me personally, if I had been aware that the feelings I had were called gender dysphoria and there were people who could help do something about it when I was twenty, I could have saved myself two and a half decades of alcohol and drug abuse and self-hatred.
Hang in there. You are on the right track. You are aware of the issue and are aware of some resources that can help you. The rest is just logistics, stick with it and it will happen. It's not a race, this is a long haul that will have many bumps in the road. I can't speak for anyone else but for me it is the best thing I have every done.
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 14, 2014, 08:48:22 PM
I see your point, you being trans and a vet which I highly respect, thank you by the way. If you did it, I should be able to do it. You -did- it regardless, knowing the military has a policy against trans but you defied it. That takes courage, thats all I can say. I wish i could have that courage.
well. the service was a long time ago and had nothing to do with my trans issue, I was drafted. the point was that your an adult
Megumi brings up some great points. Transition is an expensive process, and you'll need to have a plan in order to get through it. Remember that 40% of teenagers on the streets were kicked out of their homes for being LGBT. Don't let that happen to you. You may need to just suck it up and put some things off until you can do them by yourself.
I know you're focused on getting counseling now, and dealing with the depression. That's good. But I would bet that forming a long-term gameplan and starting to attack that a bit at a time will turn out to be very therapeutic and liberating for you. Try to have a big-picture perspective and look at this as a process that will take time. The feeling of independence and control of your own destiny will probably help you feel much better about yourself...standing on your own two feet.
And those who have suggested the military aren't meaning that it would help you transition. It would get you out on your own, and you could save up money to use towards transition in a few years. It's pretty common to get a hefty signing bonus when you enlist. Back when I enlisted, they were paying people $20k or more to sign up for the infantry.
BTW, you mentioned seeing that counselor twice a week at $170 per session. Seriously? I have a stable, well-paying career and I wouldn't pay that much. It sounds like the guy at the teen center is exactly who you should be talking to right now.
to katiej and the others mentioning the military lol. it would be cool but i have no clue what i could do there, i am so not the type for any military school, not by any means. Im very political and scientific, i can analyze things and strategize but by no means am i physically fit for the military or anything, I'm 5'2 and 85 lbs. I can be a drone pilot or bomber, thats about it lol. I love fashion so if I were to go to school, I would love to go to chicago, get an apartment there, and get to the clinic from there since its chicago, its all right there really within 10 minutes of travel really. I have my own agenda and dreams, ones my family or counselor don't even know about. Id love to just move to chicago, become a fashion designer, take a political science class maybe at most, make art and fashion stuff, transition, and just live a whole new life. monetary wise, I have a good chunk to start with. Lets say around 12k tops, being real here. I have a bank account, my grandparents have saved a lot for me....so I mean, that could -technically- be used to get an apartment and live off there. The clinic I'm wanting to go to is totally willing to help me out everything, I have insurance and for whatever reason I get cut off from my parents, our state has medicaid and other insurance, I spoke to a woman there over the phone about insurance stuff. My state seems pretty progressed when it comes to insurance laws and even violence/discrimination but lets be real it exists everywhere no matter how many laws you have. So if I -had- to move out, I could probably do it. So yeah, thats what I have to add to the conversation really that I can think of atm. sorry if i missed anything! I get its a time thing, Im just losing patience and trying my best to cope and relax, but nothings really working. Its frustrating. Ill contact the guy at the teen center and see what I can do with him, he gave me a few people to contact that are somewhat closer than the clinic that may be able to help resource wise for my mom and me, for like social groups and stuff. meetings, idk. but yeah. thanks all!
quick update, the clinic will be calling me tomorrow, I'm looking to make an appointment with them, regardless of my means of transportation. i found a friend (ftm) in my area who goes to a different clinic but both are about 10 minutes away from each other give or take, so yeah. he said we would take the train cause thats what he does, he's been on hormones for 4 months. On that note my mom is taking zoloft she got from her doctor and shes making it known shes that 'shes being medicated by the doctor' and 10mg is a lot for someone who doesn't take any medicine, etc. little does she know zoloft takes about 2 weeks to really kick in, so its all dramatics to me really. then she had to audacity to ask if I had any appointments coming up and I said no, knowing i should see my counselor or the other one in the area, someone, and that she should of kept her word with my counselor on taking me; but nope. So thats where Im at this moment.
well good for you it's your health
$170 seems a bit much. You don't have to see a psychiatrist, you can see a psychologist for maybe half that. The benefit of a psychiatrist is that they have a prescription pad which could be what your mom is after. But if cost is an issue and you just want to talk to someone, push for a psychologist. I would suggest you go see someone, whether its the clinic or who your mom wants. In a previous post you said some concerning things. Your depression/anxiety could very well be rooted in GD/GID but it also might be rooted elsewhere. Let a qualified, licensed psych. into your life.
As you probably know, WPATH changed their standards so that a therapist letter (annoying gatekeeper) is no longer an official WPATH requirement. But doctors do want to see it (mine did). And this is huge, everything Megumi said a few posts above needs to be considered. You need to talk to someone. Even if it's not your first choice. I'm just concerned because I see real pain and frustration.
Quote from: Lauren1 on August 20, 2014, 09:44:34 PM
$170 seems a bit much. You don't have to see a psychiatrist, you can see a psychologist for maybe half that. The benefit of a psychiatrist is that they have a prescription pad which could be what your mom is after. But if cost is an issue and you just want to talk to someone, push for a psychologist.
I agree with this. Psychiatrists seem to be all too eager to just push a pill on you. (But that's what I tend to see) Yeah, $170 is really high. Is there anyone in your area that charges on a sliding scale? I remember seeing a psychologist that worked on a sliding scale. I paid no more than $50.
Hello.
I felt and still feel as hopeless as you do sometimes, so I can relate on a few aspects.
I think it's going to be hard to transition in that household, the logical solution is to secure your independence, like getting a job and saving up, for starters.
About the gender clinic being far away, I don't think that's an excuse if you really want this. I needed two diagnosis to begin HRT, so besides going to my hospital regularly (which is over one hour away), I took 3-hour trains to a city completely unknown to me, alone. On the days I went, I would get up at 9am and not be home before 10pm... So yeah, who cares how far it is and how long it takes to get there? If that's what you got to do, do it.
Your mom seems very controlling, like mine, but I'm fortunate enough to not have her obstruct my path towards transition. I only just started anti-androgens a couple months ago, and it was actually her that convinced my dad to let me do the medication. I suppose she's coming to terms, though she still asks me to repress myself... But whatever, baby steps, I think that's what you should do too.
Quite frankly it doesn't sound like your mom respects you very much, or your opinion... I don't think that's likely to change unless you show her that you're serious, by working towards your goal on your own without expecting people to drive you around etc.
Also, this sort of thing takes time. It's been two years since I sought out help and I remember being in your shoes, unable to look at other girls, introverted, hiding myself, angry at the world, etc. Things aren't perfect now but they got better, once I realised that even if I wasn't living as a girl yet, I was already alive and there were things I could do. Growing out my hair, dressing in private, laser hair removal, and... Dating. I don't know if the latter is an advice I'd give to anyone, but meeting people in a romantic context helps me. I won't lie, I came out of some situations feeling used, but that's my fault only and I usually don't regret doing whatever I did, because I feel and get treated like a girl when meeting someone. Sort of makes the wait for estrogen less painful and important... Like I'm not me in public, but that there's always someone I can be me to in private... But, that's just me and I how I learned to deal with things.
I hate to pull the "tough love" card here but seriously.... Grow the F up. You're an adult. Get a job. Get some money, take your life into your own hands. It's yours but you're letting someone else run it and complaining about how it makes you feel. I left home at 15. It was an absurdly bad idea but, I've been I charge of my own life since then. Did I make mistakes? Yup. Would I do it different if I had a second go? Yup. Everyone would. But, you're not even taking the basic steps if realising your own existence. "It's too far to travel" isn't an excuse. " I don't have any money" isn't an excuse. You're clearly literate. That means you can work. Get a job. Any job. You'll most likely hate it. Guess what? Most people hate working and never achieve their "dream" career. Suck it up. Take some responsibility for yourself as an adult and make your life what you want it to be. Pack your bag and run away to some crazy city where you don't know anyone. Get a job as a dish hand in a queer night club. Get a job delivering mail. Just do something. You're 20 years old. Take off the pull-ups and put on your big girl pants.
just to bring some perspective on the transportation problem...
if i'm to transition, i'll have to go to a really far away clinic (there are no close ones).
i'll have to leave at 7pm the day before the appointment, and will only get back home at 11am the day after the appointment.
the two nights in between will either have to be spent in my sister's apartment, or on a train.
i envy you.
my mom is also just as bad as yours. in the end you'll just have to decide that your happiness means more than any argument she can come up with, and simply tell her that. tell her that this is about your life, not hers, so the decision is yours to make. don't let her guilt trip you into anything, tell her you'll go anywhere with her, if you actually want it. and you'll go nowhere if you don't.
if you want to demonstrate your independence, sit down in the living room with a book, instead of playing computer games. these days, people actually believe in the power of books. you may even take the bible, not for religious reasons, but because it's an interesting book to read, and you can learn a lot about what religious fanatics base their distorted views of the world upon.
and do get a job. a good job will be your refuge when things are bad at home.
I don't want to sound harsh either. But if your 20 years old and you can work getting a job could be the best thing for you right now. I don't care if it's working at McDonalds, it would put some money in your pocket and allow you, after about 6 months to move out on your own and start saving a little money for Doctors appointments and other transition needs. In addition, having a job, being out on your own and self sufficient is a great way to combat depression. And during the interim you can do the things you can now as others have suggested such as growing out your hair, dressing in private, and combating facial hair (facial hair is natures worst curse on human beings of any gender. It serves absolutely no purpose biologically and is the hardest hair on the human body to get rid of). You'll be surprised at how much being self sufficient and living on your own will work in a positive way to offset depression. It won't cure it mind you, but it will help control it. In addition, this will show your Mom how serious you are about transition.
Ali :icon_flower:
So today the lady at the clinic called, I made an appointment for the 7th, so it gives me time to plan stuff out and ensure i have a way of getting there, back, etc. First appointment is free, they wont guarantee hormones on the first visit, which is fine, I don't care about those at this exact moment, i more or less need a doctor to take this case over and help me through it in all ways possible. So okay, appointment is made. So half hour later my mom gets home, says she was at a counselor today and that she wants me to go talk to her. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt, go on this places website, go in their therapist index, they have a few people that work with LGBT issues, etc. On the website I also found multiple links to the howard brown clinic, Human rights watch, and other things I guess they support for resources etc. On their site they also had a few books for parents, and etc specific to trans and LGBT issues. Im willing to give this place a chance, Im just suspicious of my mother in a sense, so ill give her the benefit of the doubt that she wants to help, and I'm hoping if i tell this person whats going on that she will get the message and tell my mom like hey this isn't going away, this is legit. Thats my hopes. I don't need 'help' from them as much as I need somebody to tell her like to straighten up with this in a sense. But if this doesn't go well, I will be looking for someplace to move and start getting my ass going on that, because I'm gonna be having funny business ill just lose all hope. Im already resenting my family and her. Its not healthy. Its a dysfunctional toxic family that I don't want to be a part of anymore. For better for worse I just need to get out of there, wether its 6 months from now or a year, I just need to save up and go. Im honestly looking into the wicker park/buck-town area since that tends to be more of the hipster part of town. Ive already found a few viable options if worse comes to worse and I need to get out of dodge faster, especially since I made this appointment, the woman who called was slightly worried if I made this appointment if I would get kicked out or things would escalate. I told her so far things aren't getting worse but it not getting better, so the hell if i knew what would happen if she found out i went or was going. I was just planning on going with my friend regardless really, i mean if she wont do it then ill do it, i can't pussyfoot around it. a LCPC and lcsw can do so much, I'm hoping this new place would be decent for me in the least, i would hope i would have support there and my mom would get it. I think, and I wont be a psychic here lol, but I think the zoloft the Dr put her on kinda snapped her out of this, but i don't know really, ill have to wait and see.
So today I have an appointment with this new counselor, Im hoping all goes well and that my situation or whats going on doesn't get spun aound. We'll see how much OCD identity issues i have for having atheistic, humanistic trans inclusive views. lol. (sarcasm).
just be honest with your answers and questions.
Hugs
Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 02:37:25 PM
Im almost 20 years old, Ill be 20 in November. My mom is adamant that I am NOT transgender, that this is a phase, a whim of sorts. ... We leave the counselors, and she tells me shes not taking me to some 'lgbt clinic" and that I need a psychiatrist that shes looking into. I don't think she understands any of this I really don't, Im scared because I don't want to go to her psychiatrist, I don't. She will lie to them and tell them all this stuff about me to make me sound crazy and deranged of sorts. I don't know what to do really, the special clinic would love to take me and care for me there. I need to get there, but I just don't know how. I feel stagnated and lost, angry and spiteful. Please help :/
Do you have most of the things in this list:
* long, slender arms and legs
* feminine looking facial features
* legs significantly longer than the height of your upper body
* an armspan more than 3cm greater than your height
* sparse or very fine body hair
* a female pubic hair pattern (like an upside down triangle and confined to the pubic area)
* an inability to build upper body muscle
* gynecomastica
* a female carrying angle
* a female digit ratio
These are all markers of having below normal male testosterone during childhood and puberty, and, if you have most or all of the things in that list, then it's a fair indication that you have an intersex condition of some kind. Not all MTF trans folk have these body markers, but the impression I get is that way more do than is the case for the cis male population. If you do have them, then it's at least something you could show your mom that proves it's not all in your head.
Also, you could ask her whether there were any problems during her pregnancy with you that might have led doctors to think she was in danger of going into premature labour. If that happens, the usual practice is to administer treatments containing quite high doses of artificial female hormones. I think a side effect of these treatments is that they can interfere with the baby's brain development, and cause problems with gender identity later in life. Doctors usually don't seem to tell mothers given these treatments that they're being given hormones, but if she was given intramuscular injections, that's probably what it was.
Im uncertain if I am intersex or if there is any biological factor for my GD and T feelings however that is a good point to make hughE. I was also born premature with growth retardation (my body didnt produce HGH as fast as your average kid so I was put on Hgh shots up until 16). Im very slender, a bit underweight but theres not much I can do about that, Im 5'2. I personally and my mom says it too, I feel I have more of a feminine figure, Lets just say physically I want more of a girls body and always have strived for one ever since my mom said that. My hips too; they're sexy if you ask me XD So I can say that in general I have a feminine figure, though Im as hairy as a werewolf and its the most annoying thing ever, I partially blame the HGH shots but who knows, it could just be my genes My beard I noticed came in around 16, 17 18-ish, but I noticed it starting to get patchy, become less and less and I got annoyed with maintaining that beast so I just decided to shave my entire face from then on. I also tend to carry and stand myself in a more feminine fashion, with one foot more up and the other more relaxed, i can't explain it but my brother always says how gay and stupid it is, that i should stand normal. Hope this bit of info helps.
Update about the counselor i saw- she seemed okay, I'm skeptical but giving her the benefit of the doubt and a chance in the least. She said Im not ADHD and intact depression can mimic adhd, and the depression obviously most likely stems from trans issues and feeling inadequate, family environment related things, just generally feeling lost, different.
the problem is your mom doesnt accept you being this way in front of other people because she believes that will lead to your unhappiness and will lead to a miserable life for you , and until she believes otherwise she is going to fight against it and do everything she can think of to change your mind i definately do think she is worried about your well being and mostly concerned about how other people are going to treat you . if she believes that you will be happy she will be happy and to her this means the world around you will be supportive and accepting of you (and that could just mean you having a strong support system in your environment and close friends who support you and she sees that) I think she is focused on the negative feedback you are going to get , she is afraid you are going to get, from the world around you .
she will be accepting of it if she does see that you are accepted by those around you . and there is a big difference to her whether the world will accept you as a woman or if the world will see you as something different or alternative from the norm and how much of a social outcast you are going to become is of great concern to her im sure . if you really can pass as a woman she will have a much easier time accepting it even though of course just seeing you as a girl in the first place when she has only known you as a boy for so long but I do think she can get used to having a daughter and can get excited about it if you are going to be living as a woman and accepted and not live as a "transwoman" with more problems in life , and it just means that she loves you and wants to see you happy so don't be too mad at her she cant help how she feels ... if she believes the world is attacking you or likely to attack you she will panic I have no doubt she will and if you are the age where you are newly going out into the world for the first time mine are not quite at that stage but very very close and I really don't know how calm or mentally stable I will be when that happens im guessing it will be like sending them to school for the first time but much worse lol but I think that will ENTIRELY depend on one thing and that is how well my son will adjust to society and how much he is accepted by society and most importantly how he is treated by society
yes i can pretty much guarantee you are on her mind a lot (contantly more likely) and this is the number 1 problem on her list that she needs to fix for you because she simply does not think it will make you happy IF she did think it would make you happy she would not see it as a problem and would be happy for you and that is just with anything you decide to do in life not just this she would welcome a new daughter if she did think it would make you happy but obviously right now she isn't convinced of it and really the only thing that will convince her is what you tell her and also how she sees other people acting towards you . it might take her a while not to see you as the gender you have always been but she will get used to it and accept it all .
the only way she will accept this or anything else you do in life is if she believes you will be happy so just explain to her the great reactions and support you are getting from those around you and express to her your feelings of happiness in living this way, and let her know how unhappy you were before , and i think you will be amazed at her openmindedness and acceptance and how her complete attitude changes if she becomes convinced that your chosen lifestyle will lead to your happiness .... and what will convince her of that is you and how she sees other people around you treat you . because she knows that will have an effect on you both short term and long term
quick stupid update.
I went to see the counselor for the second time yesterday, and as soon as I got out my mom asked if 'i was okay', that I was quiet, looked like I was spacing out, etc. This new counselor isn't terrible. But shes not the one for me. She's helpful in some ways but other ways shes insufficient for the real transgender issue. I feel I need more of a gender specialist imo. She thinks Im not ADHD and instead was misdiagnosed it, that the real issue is my depression which most likely stems from being trans. I feel my last counselor was more helpful, and I feel guilty that my mom had abruptly taken me out of his services. I realize he wouldnt be as sufficient either with gender stuff, but it helped, he helped. I feel at least. However theres a cause of concern as well. Ever since yesterday Ive honestly felt increasingly suicidal and Im just being completely 100% honest here. I don't want to openly admit that for attention but to me its concerning. Ever since yesterday and the night before the appointment Ive had anxiety like incredibly crazy, panic attack after the other, flashback and memories after the other, and self harming (pounding on my thigh). This new counselor suggested I try zoloft or something like that for my depression but its not worth it. My first counselor was right when he told my mom urgently not to wait and take me to this trans clinic for a reason, for this reason. They had doctors, psychiatrist, everything I needed. For all I know, I'm trans, intersex, or something else. For all my parents and counselor knows, this could be a hormone issue in which estrogen would genuinely help a lot of mental/emotional symptoms I'm having. In the end I'm just crying wolf it seems.
honestly, I'd jump in a cab go to the ER and tell them every thing.
That thought has crossed my mind a few times @stephaniec. If i could just admit myself to get away from this house and family for a while I would, I really would But that may be looked at as me pussying out or something, who knows. Valid point though.
its not pussying out its doing what needs to be done given your lack of support, the ER is where you can get the medical and legal help you need, they have social workers to help you
You should try not to be resistant to therapists you feel aren't gender specialists. You have posted a lot of things on here and it sounds like there is quite a bit you need help sorting out, not all of it your gender concerns. No one is going to diagnose you after two sessions. Maybe after two months. No good therapist will be easy. Remember, you aren't going to bounce ideas and get general life counseling, youre going for help.
Lastly, hormones are not going to be the cure all. You still have a long road ahead of you. You need to learn to cope with all this. If your emotions vary from a scale of -10 to 10 now, estrogen will make it -20 to 20. You are self-harming. Are adding mood altering hormones really what you need right now? Transition is stressful and taxing enough, can you really handle that right now?