Hi all, coming out of lurkerdom to ask you experts for some advice for a confused newbie like myself ;D
So recently I've been reading a lot of advice on transitioning and watching a lot of youtube videos. One piece of advice I've seen come up more than once is that transition should only be embarked on if you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender - basically that unless it's a choice between transitioning and killing yourself, you shouldn't transition.
I can kinda see the logic behind this - transition carries health risks, loss of fertility, great financial expense, potential loss of friends and family, likelihood of encountering prejudice and discrimination etc. If one's gender dysphoria isn't so strong that it will drive you to suicide, then perhaps it is better to put up with than experience the negativity that comes with transition?
But aren't there also potentially huge positives to transition that may outweigh the negativity? Also is despair the most healthy motivating force to do anything?
I've also seen a slightly different spin on this argument (though this seems to be less common) that unless you feel that you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender, then you're not really transgender. Do you think there's anything to this sentiment?
It is hard to define exactly what being transgender means, everyone experiences it differently. If you feel transitioning is right for you, go for it, but I would advise taking time to really think about it first as some changes are irreversible. You should talk to a gender therapist, they'll have plenty of advice for you.
Good luck!
You only have one life. Do whatever it takes to be happy with it! Only you can know for sure what exactly that is.
Quote from: Kieran on August 19, 2014, 05:21:35 PM
But aren't there also potentially huge positives to transition that may outweigh the negativity?
My personal opinion is YES, YES, YES!!!
I have better health all the way around such as mental, physical, etc. I no longer have to hide and live a totally fake life. I was accepted by almost everyone and have ten times more true friends than before. I sleep now which I usually only got an hour or two each night and I wake up refreshed. I eat better and have lost weight. I no longer have Diabetes or PTSD (from my career) on my medical records. YES, there are a ton of positives, at least for me personally. I was a live or die case and I am so glad I chose life. I actually have a positive attitude and no longer see the doom and gloom of the world. I feel 15 to 20 years younger!! :)
Quote from: Kieran on August 19, 2014, 05:21:35 PM
So recently I've been reading a lot of advice on transitioning and watching a lot of youtube videos. One piece of advice I've seen come up more than once is that transition should only be embarked on if you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender - basically that unless it's a choice between transitioning and killing yourself, you shouldn't transition.
I think it overstates things. I do not think it has to be a life or death choice but it is for many. Not for all.
Quote from: Kieran on August 19, 2014, 05:21:35 PM
But aren't there also potentially huge positives to transition that may outweigh the negativity? Also is despair the most healthy motivating force to do anything?
What you need to understand is that transition is very, very wearing and you need to be mentally strong or very, very desperate to get through it. It can be extremely upsetting and you can lose everything and you face a life afterwards which may not be easy and you never know how YOUR transition will turn out.
In short, transition carries a LOT of risks. It only has ONE benefit - you get to be yourself.
That is it. That is what you have to be prepared to risk everything for. That is what you have to be prepared to lose family, friends, jobs, relationships, careers and homes for. You must be prepared for the complete destruction of everything you hold dear so that you can be yourself. Thankfully, for most of us, transition is not
total destruction, but until you transition you cannot know the outcome.
That is why many transitioners say "Never transition unless you have no choice"
I don't think having suicidal thoughts makes you more or less trans. And transitioning is something that is difficult in general, but each person has to way their own pros and cons. Outcomes will vary greatly between people. For what it's worth, I really would say all the drama and difficulties I've gone through because of transitioning wouldn't have been worth it if I wasn't feeling so compelled to do this as though this was my only choice (hell, I still don't know how to make it through this stage of life). But that's me and my own case, it may or may not be the same for you and/or others.
I personally think that it's different for everyone and that you don't need to be suicidal to be deemed transgender. I see it as either living a life full of misery, suicide or to transition. Of course you could put up with it but is that really a life worth living? People transition for different reasons and I see nothing wrong with that as long as it makes them happy, no one should have a say in what someone does or doesn't. There is potential loss with transitioning but that's something for the individual to decide and plus anyone who discriminates and shows ignorance towards you for just being you is worthless and does not deserve you or your time. There are risks to everything in life. I think it is much more commendable and valiant for someone to be their true selves despite the opinions of others.
There are negatives and positives to everything but I personally would never let anyone stop me from being who I am just because they are too blind to be accepting and/or tolerant. Live your life for yourself, not for others; no matter the expense. Motivation is motivation and if that motivation can drive you to do something great disregarding the fact of where it came from then that's all that really matters. Despair isn't healthy but no one asks to be put in that position. I think coming out of despair makes you a stronger person every time and that can lead to wanting to make a change for the better.
Transition isn't something you just go into straight away and can't go back on or change your mind about. There are many things involved beforehand such as therapy and lots of feelings, thought and emotions. There's still time as long as you don't leave it for too long but I think by that time you'd already know what you feel is right. I think it's unfair and unthoughtful of someone to say you're not really transgender if you can't live as how you were born - that can be quite harmful and offensive and can make someone feel invalid. Nothing is ever just black and white and no one should have to conform to gender roles just because of their physicality, everyone should have a right to be themselves whether that fits into a certain category or not.
Thanks for all the responses :)
I think that's a good point about the mental strain of transition, I worry that I am neither mentally strong enough nor desperate enough for it. In a way I almost envy those with stronger dysphoria than mine which I know must seem very silly! It seems that the sensible decision for me probably is not to transition but that thought makes me pretty miserable. But yeah I probably need to speak to a therapist to get a better idea. The thought of talking about this stuff terrifies me though. I know - I'm a big wuss!
Btw learningtolive, love the avatar. Funny back when I was playing ff8 as a teenager I really identified with Squall in the first half but I always wanted to be more like Rinoa than the more confident guy Squall becomes.
There is more than one way to die. If I had been given a choice I would not have been born transgender. If I had grown up in a different time and space I would have transitioned early. If wishes were fishes I'd own tunatown.
Dysphoria grows over time, If you are a transgendered person, it never gets better. Most cisgendered people I know have fantasized being the opposite gender, and even desired to be from time to time. This is different, this is existential. I tried every strategy I could think of to live happily as the gender I was raised as. Eventually I began getting closer and closer to psychic, if not physical death.
None of that was necessary. A good therapist, if I had been honest with them, could and probably would have helped me figure out a path that did not entail almost six decades of behaving poorly and never living fully. You need not be desperate to get that kind of help. That you are here, suggests to me that it is worth the conversation.
Jera - "You only have one life. Do whatever it takes to be happy with it! Only you can know for sure what exactly that is." The thing for me was that I couldn't frame the question clearly enough without help to answer it outside of the filter of societal and personal expectations.
LTL - "(hell, I still don't know how to make it through this stage of life). " Neither do I, which is why I lean on counseling and the people here. And I do this without embarrassment or hesitation.
You get to make the choices as to how you live your life. Like Jessica my life is richer, more alive, and more fulfilling now. For me transition was the last, best hope at happiness. To discover that I had to ask for help.
Peace,
Julie
Thanks for the response Julie ;D
Quote from: JulieBlair on August 20, 2014, 11:23:58 AM
Dysphoria grows over time, If you are a transgendered person, it never gets better. Most cisgendered people I know have fantasized being the opposite gender, and even desired to be from time to time. This is different, this is existential.
How does one tell the difference between dysphoria and existential fantasy?
QuoteA good therapist, if I had been honest with them, could and probably would have helped me figure out a path that did not entail almost six decades of behaving poorly and never living fully. You need not be desperate to get that kind of help. That you are here, suggests to me that it is worth the conversation.
Yeah I guess I really need to stop hanging back and speak to a professional - I'm not sure why I find the prospect so daunting.
Quote from: Kieran on August 20, 2014, 11:35:34 AM
Thanks for the response Julie ;DHow does one tell the difference between dysphoria and existential fantasy?Yeah I guess I really need to stop hanging back and speak to a professional - I'm not sure why I find the prospect so daunting.
"How does one tell the difference between dysphoria and existential fantasy?" Is is persistent over time? Fantasies come and go dysphoria is a persistent bitch.
"I'm not sure why I find the prospect so daunting." For me I didn't really want the answer I knew I was going to get. I had to wait until the anguish over-road the fear. I knew the consequences of being trans, I knew the risks. If I don't ask, I don't have to acknowledge.
The joy of living today makes me weep for the lost time, the lost opportunity. So it goes - don't follow my example if you can help it. There is nothing so terrifying as the unknown, but nothing so rewarding as an authentic life.
Peace,
j
Quote from: Kieran on August 19, 2014, 05:21:35 PM
I've also seen a slightly different spin on this argument (though this seems to be less common) that unless you feel that you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender, then you're not really transgender. Do you think there's anything to this sentiment?
No, I don't.
I think that sometimes that's something which
some people use to affirm to themselves that they're doing the right thing. In a very scary environment, there will always be folks who look to affirm themselves at the expense of others.
"I am this because you are not."
That's a very unhealthy way to live, in my opinion. It's subjective. Affirming yourself by disregarding someone else will only serve to provide the basis of an endless cycle of comparison whereby nothing will ever be enough.
One of the biggest inspirations here for me is Suzifrommd. She decided to go ahead with transition and become who she feels she is even though she did not feel like it was a choice of "do it or die". She decided that becoming who she feels she is inside was worth the risk, the potential losses, just to become herself. Because it was what she felt was right for her. Because it
felt like the right thing to do.
And this, I feel, is the key thing. The decision of the individual. Free from justification. From criteria. If you
feel it is right for you... do it. Regardless of what other people do or do not do based on how they see themselves.
This is something that can only come from within the individual themselves. No matter how much literature you peruse, or how much media you consume. The answers must be your own.
Quote from: Kieran on August 20, 2014, 07:32:12 AMI think that's a good point about the mental strain of transition, I worry that I am neither mentally strong enough nor desperate enough for it. In a way I almost envy those with stronger dysphoria than mine which I know must seem very silly! It seems that the sensible decision for me probably is not to transition but that thought makes me pretty miserable. But yeah I probably need to speak to a therapist to get a better idea. The thought of talking about this stuff terrifies me though. I know - I'm a big wuss!
Me too. I spent a lot of time telling myself that I wasn't strong enough to transition. A long enough time that for me, it did get to the suicide or transition thing... and the first time I tried out the first option. I can't really recommend the experience of letting things get that bad. From my perspective we should be working to get people access to the assistance they need long before it reaches a choice that bleak.
That isn't to say I'm all "rah, rah, go transition." There are real costs involved, it can be pretty scary, it can be difficult and draining. But you might find you are tougher than you think, and the monster you've built in your head is bigger than the reality. If it's bad enough to be making you miserable, it's bad enough that you should at least look into your options. To me, transition often seems about harm reduction--will it make your life better or worse than it currently is? That kind of thing.
Best of lucky anyway.
Quote from: JulieBlair on August 20, 2014, 11:42:28 AM
Is is persistent over time? Fantasies come and go dysphoria is a persistent bitch.
Hmm well I've been feeling this way fairly consistently (bar the odd week here or there) for about a year and before that the idea came to me every now and again. And before that it didn't exactly cross my mind that i wanted to be a girl exactly but I was never that comfortable being a typical guy, nor did I ever want to be one.
QuoteFor me I didn't really want the answer I knew I was going to get. I had to wait until the anguish over-road the fear. I knew the consequences of being trans, I knew the risks. If I don't ask, I don't have to acknowledge.
Interesting.
QuoteThe joy of living today makes me weep for the lost time, the lost opportunity. So it goes - don't follow my example if you can help it. There is nothing so terrifying as the unknown, but nothing so rewarding as an authentic life.
Thanks for being so frank with me. I feel I can kinda identify with the lost time thing. It seems every day I'm not making a positive step towards transition is a waste.
Quote from: Sephirah
That's a very unhealthy way to live, in my opinion. It's subjective. Affirming yourself by disregarding someone else will only serve to provide the basis of an endless cycle of comparison whereby nothing will ever be enough.
Interesting. I think you might be right there.
Quote
And this, I feel, is the key thing. The decision of the individual. Free from justification. From criteria. If you feel it is right for you... do it. Regardless of what other people do or do not do based on how they see themselves.
This is something that can only come from within the individual themselves. No matter how much literature you peruse, or how much media you consume. The answers must be your own.
Thanks for this, I do sometimes try way too hard to justify things to myself (not just regards this). And I'm starting to see that way leads madness.
Quote from: Sarah7
But you might find you are tougher than you think, and the monster you've built in your head is bigger than the reality.
I hope so. I've always been dubious of my own abilities and it's made me quite risk averse.
QuoteTo me, transition often seems about harm reduction--will it make your life better or worse than it currently is?
Yeah that's how I'd like to view it. Just not sure I know the answer!
Quote
Best of lucky anyway.
Thanks Sarah :)
Kieran,
Be true to yourself and you will be fine, no matter what path you find to follow. There are many ways to find authenticity, the search is the destination.
Peace,
j
in my personal experience transition is fine. you just have to make sure you dont only focus on it. still do things like going out to the movies, doing sports or whatever activities you like to do. and oh yes theirs def positives to transition that out weigh the negatives.
Really it doesn't or shouldn't be either transition or suicide. It should be about the quality of life and the fact that some people just can't be who they are as a physical gender. Dysphoria can come and go. And the older you get the worst it gets. For me it's always there like a whisper in the ear. About every three or four to even six months it would be crushing and devastating for a day or so and drown everything else out. Then it would go back to being a whisper or a low hum. Now about ever two or three weeks these spells are coming. Eventually if I don't do anything it will become a constant scream. So in one month I am gonna' try to stop fooling myself and take the next step and maybe finish what nature started. :-\
But don't think suicide is just OD'ing or sticking the ol' garden hose in the tailpipe and running it into your cracked window, or eating a bullet. It is also self- destructive behavior and I would say this is probably one of the most common ways all across the board. From depression to anxiety to GiD and other dysphorias to bulimia and anorexia. And unfortunately most people aren't even aware of it until it's too late.
But if you feel trans and you think your life could be better by transitioning and so on, you really need to talk to a gender therapist. But I will say the older you get, the more you are gonna find that you fail and have failed more often than not as your birth gender and the dysphoria may grow into an out of control monster.
Quote from: Kieran on August 19, 2014, 05:21:35 PM
I've also seen a slightly different spin on this argument (though this seems to be less common) that unless you feel that you absolutely cannot live on as your birth gender, then you're not really transgender. Do you think there's anything to this sentiment?
I could live on as a guy until I was 43, when the dysphoria became absolutely soul-crushing, but I have been transgender since day one. There are certainly degrees of dysphoria, and it does get worse as time goes on.
Quote from: JulieBlair on August 20, 2014, 04:01:58 PM
Kieran,
Be true to yourself and you will be fine, no matter what path you find to follow. There are many ways to find authenticity, the search is the destination.
:)
Quote from: warmbody28you just have to make sure you dont only focus on it. still do things like going out to the movies, doing sports or whatever activities you like to do
Yeah that's a good point.
Quote from: Jess42But don't think suicide is just OD'ing or sticking the ol' garden hose in the tailpipe and running it into your cracked window, or eating a bullet. It is also self- destructive behavior and I would say this is probably one of the most common ways all across the board. From depression to anxiety to GiD and other dysphorias to bulimia and anorexia. And unfortunately most people aren't even aware of it until it's too late.
Hmm I've never thought of it that way - definitely something to think about!
QuoteBut I will say the older you get, the more you are gonna find that you fail and have failed more often than not as your birth gender and the dysphoria may grow into an out of control monster.
Yeah I definitely find its been getting stronger and stronger. Whether that's a natural progression or is a symptom of me confronting the feelings more rather than dismissing them, I'm not sure.
Quote from: Jill FI could live on as a guy until I was 43, when the dysphoria became absolutely soul-crushing, but I have been transgender since day one. There are certainly degrees of dysphoria, and it does get worse as time goes on.
Interesting. I suppose I am being perhaps foolish to think that I will always feel the same in the future as I do now. Although I probably could put up with my dysphoria now, will I still be able to later in life? And if not will I regret not acting on it when I was younger?
Though is it possible for dysphoria to go the other way - reach a peak and then start to fade?
Quote from: Kieran on August 21, 2014, 05:37:02 AM
Hmm I've never thought of it that way - definitely something to think about!
Yeah a lot of people don't think of it that way. But self destructive behavior is basically suicide at a slower rate.
I like to look at it a bit differently than suicide or transition. When weighing all the costs and burdens of transition, if that life is more optimal than one without transition then I'm choosing transition.
I also agree that many coping mechanisms are so destructive that they can be considered suicide slowly.
Kieran,
You are thinking in absolutes, and gender can be more fluid than that.
Let's disregard the logistics of transition for a moment - can you truthfully and honestly state what gender you identify as? If you are not sure, then for starters, time talking with someone qualified is needed.
Once you know where you stand, only then should you think about what you should do.
Many here jump straight into transition. Others wade in slowly, trying one thing at a time to see if they are headed in the right direction. There's no right or wrong way about it. The one thing in common is that a smooth transition is a carefully planned one regardless of how one goes about it.
Good luck in your explorations of self. :)
Quote from: ashley_thomas on August 21, 2014, 07:41:12 AM
I like to look at it a bit differently than suicide or transition. When weighing all the costs and burdens of transition, if that life is more optimal than one without transition then I'm choosing transition.
Yeah that makes sense to me too. Think I've just been a bit scared that some seem to be saying transition is so bad that the only action its preferable to is suicide.
Quote from: luna nyanLet's disregard the logistics of transition for a moment - can you truthfully and honestly state what gender you identify as? If you are not sure, then for starters, time talking with someone qualified is needed.
No, I'm not really sure. I certainly like the idea of looking and (in some respects) behaving like a woman and I hate the idea of being thought of as a man. But does that mean I identify as a woman? That is something I'm hesitant to say. Like you say, I really need to speak to a therapist!
QuoteGood luck in your explorations of self.
Thanks!
I never got to the point of being suicidal but I have gotten to the point of wanting to cut "it" off a few times.
Waiting for suicide is too far because some people will get that far and succeed.
Early intervention is always best, but everyone has their own schedule.
Quote from: Kieran on August 21, 2014, 09:24:31 AM
Yeah that makes sense to me too. Think I've just been a bit scared that some seem to be saying transition is so bad that the only action its preferable to is suicide.
Transition isn't good or bad it just is. My experience is that it is hard, tremendously difficult actually. But if you find that reinventing your life, core identifications, risking everything to become who you are is easy, I wonder if you're paying attention. I think the reason so many of us wait until it is a crisis is simply fear. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of just being a freak, and being the point of cautionary tales.
I have two thoughts on that.
1. At least in my case I'm just not that big a deal to most of the people in my life. Family and friends sure, but most people when I went full time were almost annoyingly passe. The relationships I have lost pale to those I've gained. The fears of economic insecurity proved overstated. Turns out I do fine with less.
2. Living authentically is its own reward. I am growing, useful, and usually filled with joy. I think more deeply and with more compassion. It isn't just hormones either, it is living life on life's terms and reveling in discovery.
For now at least I look to the future with optimism rather than dread. I live in color rather than shades of gray. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Fair Winds and Calm Seas,
Julie
One thing I learned these past few years wrestling with the trans beast is never to think in terms of absolutes. I fell victim to that decades ago seeing transition as an all or nothing situation. Which, if your dysphoria is bad enough, is the same as transition or die. Which yes, it is a fairly common trait. Most of my TG support group members felt that way. I guess since my dysphoria never felt that bad to me the only resolution I saw was no transition. Just do what you can to survive.
While I have demonstrated one can 'Survive' for decades it is not a route I would advise. You slowly die inside rather than just simply getting it over with. So why did I make myself suffer so much? Binary thinking.
Just what is transitioning? Simply put, making a change. I am not living full time as a female yet I feel that I have transitioned. Learning about myself. Learning to feel at ease being me. With self acceptance came many other great gifts. After a couple of years I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. For sure a major transition in many ways from the person I was 7 years ago.
There have been dark times too when the devil sitting on the other shoulder got my attention. Today I hardly ever hear anything but a far off whisper. Certainly not anything I feel I must work at to hear better.
To this day my big personal question / doubt is over will living full time as a woman bring more happiness and joy into my life than I have now? Will my fears, both real and imagined, control my life like before? Or, will I face up to the fears as I have been doing to find and keep joy in my life?
Yeah the dying slowly thing - I avoided the moment a lot by dreaming of transition or avoiding trans feelings - even when awesome fun times were to be had. Missing life, missing moments were a big part of my decision.
I used to believe you had to be suicidal to be "really trans" or make transition worthwhile... and it nearly scared me out of doing one of the best things in my life. (I also didn't decide I wanted to transition until I was 32, and I was a cis guy before that. My story is a pretty uncommon one compared to the standard trans narrative.)
I transitioned because I thought I'd be happ*ier,* not because I was utterly miserable and suicidal as it was. And I ended up deciding to take it one step at a time, literally. Instead of saying I was going to transition fully, I'd think about the next thing I wanted to do (ear piercing, women's panties, whatever) and whether it'd make me more happy. Then I'd try it, and if I did indeed feel better, I'd think about the next thing, and so on. But I wasn't deathly depressed as a guy, and I wish I'd never listened to the people who said you had to be hardcore suffering in order to "qualify" or "deserve" to transition.
I had GRS a couple years ago, so I think I'm really trans. ;)
I'm one step at a time too, but my feet keep moving. I was in therapy for over a year before I decided to start taking hormones and I'm still on low doses, though they are very effective. It was a bunch of small steps before that for years and years. I think I've proven it enough but I'm staying with the same speed setting, one step at a time.
When someone says it's either "transition or suicide", they are committing two phallacious ratiocinations. A) Composition - That something true (suicidal thoughts) of a part of a whole (transpeople) is true for the whole as well, which is false; and B) False dichotomy - transition or suicide, without taking into account that there could be a neutral option, actually various and as in everything, there's shades of grey, it's not all black or white.
Trans experience varies a lot. I have to agree with everyone who said you have to do what is right for you. It is very difficult, but it doesn't mean everyone will experience it the same way. Not everyone fully transitions, some just make some changes and adjust. Others go for it all at once because they need to. Some experiences don't invalidate others. We are just as varied as snowflakes, really! Like everything, there's a lot of different colors and tastes. You just have to find a place where you'll feel comfortable.
Quote from: JulieBlair on August 22, 2014, 11:01:00 AM
I think the reason so many of us wait until it is a crisis is simply fear. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of just being a freak, and being the point of cautionary tales.
Yes, I think you're probably right there. At any rate, I'm glad you're in a happier place now :)
Quote from: JoanneBOne thing I learned these past few years wrestling with the trans beast is never to think in terms of absolutes.
Yes, I think that is something I've been guilty of. Baby steps could be the answer.
Jenna Marie, that's very interesting that you're a bit like me in only beginning to question these things in your adulthood and you were similarly scared by the "really trans" type thinking. Glad it worked out for you :)
Thanks for everyone's responses. I think (aprt from the fact I really need to see a therapist!), what I take away from all this is that if it's not "do or die" than small steps may be the answer. And it may lead to full transition or it may not, but either way it's a journey at least worth beginning :)
I think i said a lot about my thoughts about suicide an "transition". May tendencies goes in another way than most transgender-ways ...
About 2 years ago i had the choice between transitioning and keeping my old life. I never had suicide thoughts before, even in my old life. I was very unhappy and unsatisfied, so i decide to go my way and transitioning ... now more than 2 years later i ask myseld what the "holy grail" transition is? WHAT is transition and WHAT happens there? Maybe i can wear a skirt today, people see me as a woman ... but am I a woman? My body and my appearance say NO to me. So, WHAT is transition? Is transition to taking hormones? Am i another person because i'm getting some medicine?
Of course, hormones cant do miracles but most of the informations about transitioning based on the fact the people gettig hormones and "become a woman". So, NO - thats not true and i believed in this fact before starting. I always saw that wonderfull timelines in the web, on youtube and said "yeah, its true - these little hormones can do miracles" ... but they only can do it when you are young enough and have good genetics. Its a lottery and nobody said it to me BEFORE transitioning. Its a game that much people lose. I still looking at timeslines and always think "why you dont geeting these results" ...
All in all I'm here today and know i never will reach my target because i was stupid.
Its very hard and definitly a fact for a suicide!
Galaxy,
Hormones did not make me a woman, and they cannot. All they can do is help align my body to become how I always knew it ought to be. I have always been a woman. Women are born, not made. I was born a woman with a penis. It happens. Some men are born with vaginas. That also happens. It is a tragedy and what transition can address.
What hormones, therapy, friends, and the wonderful people here have done for me is to help me look, feel, act, assume the mantle of the girl I have always been. But they did not and cannot do more. To become a woman is to do drag. To realize the woman within is to transition.
That for some people the effects are so profound as for them to become indistinguishable from genetic women is wonderful. That's not my story, and not what I expected going in. I don't look like a cis girl, but I do look much more like the woman I have always seen in the mirror, and for me that is enough.
To live authenticity is enough. To live without feeling wrong and dirty is enough. To live my life with wonderful and amazing friends and fellow travelers is an astonishing bonus.
You are not stupid. If you have come this far, you have changed profoundly and are becoming real, becoming authentic. Please don't despair because you don't look like some imaginary dream, but see yourself as beautiful and feminine. If you see her, she will become real. You are beautiful and worthy of happiness and love, embrace who you are, lift your eyes to the horizon, and proclaim your identity to yourself and to the world. It is remarkable, but the world will see you as you see yourself.
Peace
Julie
Julie , eloquent as always, you are so right and have that beautiful gift to express it in words.When I hit the wall it was because my inner woman wanted out and would not accept anything else.I choose LIFE and she lead the way thank God, for I had always known I was different but like many others was to much a coward to do anything. Now the hologram of a man is almost gone and life is beautiful and everything is how it should have been many decades ago I am truly happy for once in my long life.I made the leap of faith and have reaped nothing but kindness and respect in return, life is good and I am glad I am still here to live it. Hugs and Love Patty
For me personally, suicide has not been an option since 99 or so, and that metric would have kept me from being allowed to access hormones and name change etc. For me it was a choice between transition and extreme dysfunction and dishonesty. I felt I had no choice because I was deeply uncomfortable and I was teaching my kid that it was better to lie than to be oneself, but everybody has their own circumstances.
I understand that guidelines and rules and assumptions have to exist, but I don't really think it's fair for any of us to clearly define another person's identity.
This has been mentioned, but I feel like it's important to say that I've always been the same person. I transitioned to make the pieces fit better, but transition wasn't a simple line that I crossed to go be someone else on the other side. And I'll never know whether or not transition saved my life.
i like a lot of what's said here.
It seems to me that the idea that you 'have to' be suicidal to be trans is a relic from an earlier era, when psychologists basically just assumed that transsexuals were crazy, and thus would only "let" them transition if they were a "true" transsexual. aka, hyper-feminine, attracted to men, known you were a girl since you were 2, suicidal, etc...
even up to recently in a lot of places, you wouldn't be able to transition unless you were this sort of person, or else you had to pretend to be ... which totally defeats the purpose of transition, which to me is all about being authentic.
This is an interesting question and it's one I often pondered.
I can't really say if I'd have committed suicide if I stayed female. I'm stubborn, and I'd probably have found a way to begrudgingly get through this life. But...I think what it really came down to was that with the way I was unable to adjust to my female body, I was sort of a walking dead person. I'm a strong believer that you can be spiritually dead, and emotionally dead, and that's just what I was. I did try everything I could to be happy as a girl first, because transition IS really hard. I'm 2 years in, socially everything's fine and surgery is on the way, but the truth is that the struggles of transition never go away unless you can find a way to be 100%, without a question, stealth. Because there's always ignorance, there's always people who won't treat you like a normal human being, and it is hard.
Regardless, I am still better off because I actually feel chemically balanced, and I feel happy now that my body has settled comfortably to male. I can say though, if there was a way I could have been happy as female, and not felt like I was just trudging through, I'd have stayed a girl and forsaken the crap I have to deal with as a trans person.
A few years ago, I had come to the point in my life when the risks of transitioning became far greater than "being stuck like this forever". I heard a lot of folks in our position can't live with the pain and some don't make it. And, there's times when I too, have almost given up hope. I don't know what keeps me going. If it's biblical and there's some kind of force or spirit that drives us or that I have convinced myself that I am important to this world... I can't say.
Can slow self destruction really be considered suicide? I do know what I said earlier But I am starting to be concerned with this myself at times. Maybe I ma a hypocrite. Sometimes I feel like it.
If you haven't been at that crossroad then you'll never truly understand what transition or suicide really means, empathy can only take you so far into true understanding. It does seem like a relic phrase from the old days where the support systems just weren't there for people to "easily" transition and society was VERY different from what it is today let alone with the ability to connect with others that we have now and to really transition back then you pretty much had to be at your limit, cornered with no option out...ect. Today things are much better for transgender people in all of those aspects which means for a lot of us we don't ever get that far into the abyss before we decide to transition.
Never take it lightly like a person is saying that just for sympathy or for attention. That could have been it for them, but they made it through that moment of despair, getting over their fears that pushed them to this point and facing the complete uncertainty of the unknown. We don't know how many of our brothers and sisters over the years didn't make it past that point, even in todays society we still don't know.
***********Trigger Warning ahead************
For me it was transition or suicide and I tried and tried to NOT be transgender because I live in the south and the thought of coming out and transitioning scared me to the core. Fear about being who I was, was cemented into my conscious because of a really bad experience in my life when I was 5 years old and was threatened to be murdered by an adult if in his words "If you little fword freak ever comes to my house and plays with my daughter I will kill you, cut your body up into pieces and feed you to the coyotes in the desert" I lived in Las Vegas at that time and what he said dug a very deep hole in my soul to throw my true feelings into. If this parent reacts to me like this then all parents will and I have to hide being like that from them, is what I learned early on. Back to being in the south from my early teens to present where nearly everyone that I knew always said very awful and hateful things towards LGBT people including my own family. Not to say we are rednecks by any means but intolerance and being uneducated about LGBT issues leads to that kind of thinking. I did every guy activity possible, got rejected by just about every girl I ever tried to go out with and did my best to be a guy's guy but I could never escape my true feelings about myself no matter how much I tried to suppress them out of fear that I had built up for years.
When I finally accepted who I was almost a year ago I had gotten to the point of giving up, no matter how much I tired I kept getting more and more depressed with each attempt to shut my feelings up and it overwhelmed me. A few pounds more of force is all it would have taken and I'd have been gone forever but what ever supernatural force that exists in this world stopped me by flashing images of all my family, friends, co-workers all crying at my funeral wondering why I killed myself out of the blue. Which was true as at that point I NEVER showed signs of really being in trouble other than to my most inner immediate of family but they were scared themselves to ask why I was getting so down, I could put on the happy face for everyone else but them. It was in that moment of just a few minutes that all of this went down and I luckily made it past the suicide or transition cliché and decided that the only thing I could do then was transition even though that scared me more than taking the not so easy way out.
What was really sad in that moment is that I didn't reach out to anyone for help and I desperately needed help back then. I am very glad that I did make it through that moment because once I did get the help that I needed I knew that this path was actually going to be better than I had ever thought for me and looking back at the last year of my life I can attest to the validity of that statement. Things are MUCH better in every way now minus my immediate family situation which will just take time for it to all work out. I am living full time now, I'm actually happy and I can actually smile for the first time ever and it NOT be a fake smile. A year ago I could NEVER say I was actually happy and mean it let alone smile.
Thanks for sharing Megumi, that was very moving and I'm glad you're so much happier now.
I of course wasn't trying to suggest it was ridiculous to feel like it was a toss up between transition and suicide. I understand for some that is definitely a very real dilemma!
I'll be honest that sentiment that "it's a choice between transitioning and killing yourself" probably kept me from transitioning throughout all of college... despite feeling dysphoria since pretty much the start of puberty.
I mean I've been relatively well-adjusted (and by that I mean I'm pretty much emotionally stable despite my thoughts), so at worst it turned into a complete disinterest in sex and any sort of romantic relationship and a kind of "going with the motions", do these guy things because my guy friends are doing it. I guess you could describe it as being emotionally neutral at best... it was draining the joy out of things I should be enjoying.
The trans information I came across echoed this statement and pushed me away from addressing any of my feelings at the time. I basically continued to just go with the motions despite never being happy with my male body. Functionally I was getting by in school and socially, but that's about all I was doing - getting by. I think my realization came that I don't want to live the rest of my life just getting by. I want to be able to really enjoy the things I love to do and be happy day to day.
It's kind of a hurtful line of thinking, only transition if you're going to kill yourself. Truth be told I don't think I'd ever reach a point where I'd be suicidal. But I certainly wouldn't be happy with my life, I wouldn't have motivation to push myself and actually engage in life.
That's interesting Nevara. I also feel at times that I'm just going through the motions. In my case I'm not sure how much of it is due to dysphoria and how much other issues, but the former probably doesn't help!
I don't think the people who say "Only transition to avoid suicide" mean to be hurtful, I think they're just trying to protect people from a rough road they may not need to go down.
Actually my tendencies for suicide are very strong again. I didnt reach my goal in transition. So, what my life can offers to me? I'm a "woman" but cant do things woman do. People know me call me "woman" but they dont let me feel like a woman. I havent the attractivity of younger transgenders or these with much more luck than me. I really like fashion and beauty-blogs ... its a hobby, but so i cant live that. It make no sense to look after new makeup styles or hairstyles. My whole life i wanted to have these things, it was my little dream. Now i'm a woman and it doesnt work for me because its better to keep andrognyous. :'(
So, where is my place in society? Where do i belong to? What i am??
Quote from: galaxy on September 09, 2014, 05:04:41 AM
Actually my tendencies for suicide are very strong again. I didnt reach my goal in transition. So, what my life can offers to me? I'm a "woman" but cant do things woman do. People know me call me "woman" but they dont let me feel like a woman. I havent the attractivity of younger transgenders or these with much more luck than me. I really like fashion and beauty-blogs ... its a hobby, but so i cant live that. It make no sense to look after new makeup styles or hairstyles. My whole life i wanted to have these things, it was my little dream. Now i'm a woman and it doesnt work for me because its better to keep andrognyous. :'(
So, where is my place in society? Where do i belong to? What i am??
This isn't the same thing at all, but my kid really likes fashion and hairstyles and makeup and whatever, and she can't pursue most of it because she's, um, I guess neurologically different. And she'll always live in poverty. She is hetero and cis but nobody knows what her place in society is or will be. People are born into all sorts of less-than-ideal situations, and my (admittedly callous) opinion is that being trans is horrifically difficult but not that strange. Most people who like sports aren't pros, and they don't usually suicide over it. I love words and language but I can't speak any but my own and I can't travel. My whole life I wanted to be a normal gay man, and now most gay men I encounter reject my body without even thinking twice. Most of us have to find or make our own place in society. That's hard for us, but I think it's getting more complicated for everyone.
Please be careful about looking at younger transitioners. It's too easy to get wrapped up in what you can't have, and the frustration that brings is not fair to the young people who have it easier.
I didn't mean to go big-picture ranting at you, btw, but I'm not going to delete because this topic is worth throwing more thoughts at the wall over.