Transition or suicide?

[Kiera85]

Thanks for sharing Megumi, that was very moving and I'm glad you're so much happier now.

I of course wasn't trying to suggest it was ridiculous to feel like it was a toss up between transition and suicide. I understand for some that is definitely a very real dilemma!

[Nevara]

I'll be honest that sentiment that "it's a choice between transitioning and killing yourself" probably kept me from transitioning throughout all of college... despite feeling dysphoria since pretty much the start of puberty.

I mean I've been relatively well-adjusted (and by that I mean I'm pretty much emotionally stable despite my thoughts), so at worst it turned into a complete disinterest in sex and any sort of romantic relationship and a kind of "going with the motions", do these guy things because my guy friends are doing it. I guess you could describe it as being emotionally neutral at best... it was draining the joy out of things I should be enjoying.

The trans information I came across echoed this statement and pushed me away from addressing any of my feelings at the time. I basically continued to just go with the motions despite never being happy with my male body.  Functionally I was getting by in school and socially, but that's about all I was doing - getting by. I think my realization came that I don't want to live the rest of my life just getting by. I want to be able to really enjoy the things I love to do and be happy day to day.

It's kind of a hurtful line of thinking, only transition if you're going to kill yourself. Truth be told I don't think I'd ever reach a point where I'd be suicidal. But I certainly wouldn't be happy with my life, I wouldn't have motivation to push myself and actually engage in life.

[Kiera85]

That's interesting Nevara. I also feel at times that I'm just going through the motions. In my case I'm not sure how much of it is due to dysphoria and how much other issues, but the former probably doesn't help!

I don't think the people who say "Only transition to avoid suicide" mean to be hurtful, I think they're just trying to protect people from a rough road they may not need to go down.

[galaxy]

Actually my tendencies for suicide are very strong again. I didnt reach my goal in transition. So, what my life can offers to me? I'm a "woman" but cant do things woman do. People know me call me "woman" but they dont let me feel like a woman. I havent the attractivity of younger transgenders or these with much more luck than me. I really like fashion and beauty-blogs ... its a hobby, but so i cant live that. It make no sense to look after new makeup styles or hairstyles. My whole life i wanted to have these things, it was my little dream. Now i'm a woman and it doesnt work for me because its better to keep andrognyous. 

So, where is my place in society? Where do i belong to? What i am??

[Felix]

Actually my tendencies for suicide are very strong again. I didnt reach my goal in transition. So, what my life can offers to me? I'm a "woman" but cant do things woman do. People know me call me "woman" but they dont let me feel like a woman. I havent the attractivity of younger transgenders or these with much more luck than me. I really like fashion and beauty-blogs ... its a hobby, but so i cant live that. It make no sense to look after new makeup styles or hairstyles. My whole life i wanted to have these things, it was my little dream. Now i'm a woman and it doesnt work for me because its better to keep andrognyous. 

So, where is my place in society? Where do i belong to? What i am??

This isn't the same thing at all, but my kid really likes fashion and hairstyles and makeup and whatever, and she can't pursue most of it because she's, um, I guess neurologically different. And she'll always live in poverty. She is hetero and cis but nobody knows what her place in society is or will be. People are born into all sorts of less-than-ideal situations, and my (admittedly callous) opinion is that being trans is horrifically difficult but not that strange. Most people who like sports aren't pros, and they don't usually suicide over it. I love words and language but I can't speak any but my own and I can't travel. My whole life I wanted to be a normal gay man, and now most gay men I encounter reject my body without even thinking twice. Most of us have to find or make our own place in society. That's hard for us, but I think it's getting more complicated for everyone.

Please be careful about looking at younger transitioners. It's too easy to get wrapped up in what you can't have, and the frustration that brings is not fair to the young people who have it easier.

I didn't mean to go big-picture ranting at you, btw, but I'm not going to delete because this topic is worth throwing more thoughts at the wall over.