Good morning everyone.. well, it is here in AZ..
idk where to even begin... you know, just like everyone else here, I have been struggling with.. doing what I need to, transitioning, not transitioning, reverting, moving on, stopping, restarting.. just a friggin' nightmare.. well, a nightmare no longer.
Last week, my wife and I were arguing.. again.. still yelling, accusing, lying, plays a terrible role in a horrible play, crying, whispering. talking, just the whole gamut of emotions.. marrage counselling sessions.. counselor reading up on being trans, and speaking, understanding a little bit of my anguish. we all came to the conclusion, it cant be saved.. yeah.. we've all been there.. well.. back home next day, that argument that began, the end. Wife said I need to make a decision, do what would be best for me or forever not say a word.. I replied, I have to begin my hormones.. low dose to get a feel for what I need..
(ok.. I am a real piece of work, been on hormones, both herbal and drug for 11 months, so this statement.. well, it was for her, and yes, it was a lie, but I was just tired of saying nothing.. )
I said that i was going to start my hormones, she said then I can not remain in the house. so last Sunday.. I packed, and left... moved in with one of my pilot friends, renting a room from her. She is very supportive, even encouraging. Her other roommate, also female, is too. I am finally in an environment where I can finally stop hiding, stop lying, stop, playing a badly-cast role in a sh1tty play.
I left a lot of my .. old clothes there.. which I have to take to Goodwill this week. Still a LOT of stuff there I have to clean out, trash, give away. but I cant believe I'm finally, able to live as myself. Yesterday, I went shopping for new clothes.. underwear, shower gel, looked at shoes, boots, told a handful of other friends about me, got total support from 3 of 4 I let into my Hell, now turning into limbo.
I went back to the house yesterday too, to return the wedding album I took.. wife said she wanted it back, which surprised me. But when I got there, my wife and daughter promptly left. Fine. Well, no, it isnt, but I understand.
She said I have to get to the mediator, and sign the separation papers, oh, and buy her a new car. Anything else? I texted her.. didnt answer.. :-\
She loves to throw around the suicide rate for trans patients, higher than any other group, she says it all the time, I finally told her, it isn't because we are still unhappy the way we turn out after we transition, its because we get no support or understanding from our family members who should love us unconditionally, right Katy Perry??
Still have heard nothing from my mom or sister. I know they know I'm gone. They said they will not see me if I change. Well, I guess they are to going to see me, then.
I announced on my.. other FB page... that I'm shutting it down soon, and that those, who want to, will know how to get in touch with me. I didnt say why (yet), just that I was going to leave. I think, I will say, very breifly why, when I shut it down. I have begun to migrate over, all the friends that are sticking by me.. nearly 100 at this point, to my Paula page.
Still no actual pix yet, as I am not out to the guys I have to fly with. I really think I would get immediately No-Fly'd when I do. But i can not make anyone, do anything. I can not, will not, make anyone face this before they are ready. But there are many more guy pilots, than girl pilots (who most have known me for 15+ yrs and are ok with me). My company is one of the best LGBTQ employers out there.. with less than zero harassment tolerance. Seriously.. the hint of any harassment and its the 3rd degree, another incident and that person is gone. No discussion. And my immediate boss, has always been a good friend to me. So. work is covered.
A couple sweet oments, my first, I hope is a long series of good ones.. Sunday I moved in, cried most of the day, consoled by my friend.. Monday, her friend came over, met me as Paula, and accepted. 'cooked us both a really fine steak dinner. He asked a few questions, and I answered them as honestly as I could. Tuesday, she asked me to come out for dinner with some friends of ours.. one of my buddies, I have not seen for a while (he was out on medical). I agreed, and decided to go as Paula, again. Black skinny jeans, a Disney print teeshirt (um, I really need to get fitted for a bra now!) , calf boots and just styled hair, no makeup yet. L said I looked fine. but i was .. like.. :-\
This was Paula's very first public appearance, and with someone who knew.. who I WAS.. and I was scared! terrified, even. But L got me to calm down, and just be myself. She had told my friend about me and said he was ok with me. Warm, smiled, we talked.. about his returning to work (he and L and are a different plane than I am), time away, our union, etc.. a nice evening, actually. Yeah, I got a few stares during the night, but I began to ignore them.
My world.. is finally beginning to open up, the light at the end of the tunnel, is not a train, and I'm not standing on the tracks anymore.
Butsome sadness is still there. I do not know if my family.. any of them, will come around. but the door will always be open.
I can only hope, right?
sorry for this being long.. but.. I've been keeping much of this in. Don't have to anymore, right?
Paula
(EDIT) OMG, I forgot the BEST part! Last saturday, I went for my first, full-face laser session !!! OMFG oh.. ok, it wasnt thaaaat bad, but it was awfully close! 800mg ibuprofen an hour before I went.. 4 minutes, and $125 later, she was done!! 4minutes?? WTH?! $125 for 4 minutes? I am in the WRONG line of work!! LOL
a week now and about 40% have fallen out.. a LOT lighter than I was.. and getting better each day..
Hugs, sucks that your marriage will not last but I sure as heck would NOT buy her a new car. She's the one not willing to work things out so why should she get her way and at the same time drain you of finances to transition with.
Glad you have support after the marriage crash.
Family would be a nice add to that support but sometimes it takes some healing time.
Get ready for a soon x fire storm. Been there and just let it burn out with out adding any fuel, that made more sweet success.
So Hugs and enjoy your life. Happiness is all we wish. Still lots if rough sections on the path but I feel you will handle them by a step at a time.
Thank you Izzy, and Megumi... but.. I am responsible for this... I did this to them, so, car, house, bills, insurance... I will forever be the provider, its just what I have to do. Had I said, 31yrs ago, "well, it was nice meeting you, have a great life", and not "hey, would you like to go out Wednesday?". things would have been much different, and I would not be -wanting- to provide for them. Call me a sucker, call me a fool, call me anything you like, but it wont change what I feel I must do.
It does feel wonderful, being able to finally walk around in my real clothes, not a costume anymore.
Quote from: Paula Christine on September 21, 2014, 11:15:17 AM
Thank you Izzy, and Megumi... but.. I am responsible for this... I did this to them, so, car, house, bills, insurance... I will forever be the provider, its just what I have to do. Had I said, 31yrs ago, "well, it was nice meeting you, have a great life", and not "hey, would you like to go out Wednesday?". things would have been much different, and I would not be -wanting- to provide for them. Call me a sucker, call me a fool, call me anything you like, but it wont change what I feel I must do.
It does feel wonderful, being able to finally walk around in my real clothes, not a costume anymore.
I'd say your a loving and responsible human being
Suicide attempt rate for pre-transition trans patients is 41%.
Suicide attempt rate for the general population is about 1.5%.
Suicide attempt rate for post-transition trans patients is about 4.5%.
As one smartass from the American Psychiatric Association once said, "When you can reduce the suicide rate by 90% from its untreated rate, then hell yes you have a good solution!" He also observed that the remaining difference in suicide attempt rates doesn't invalidate transition. It just validates that trans patients may need more support post-transition than the general population, plus we need greater levels of acceptance from society generally.
It sounds like you have such a good support system now..
I'm so sorry about your marriage, but you must feel such a burden off now that theres no fighting and stress from that..?
Its a nice end, or part of your journey..
I hope you can always be a pilot, I'd fly on your plane anytime...!! :)
It sounds like your life now has the opportunity to move forward and find happiness. Wishing you the very best on your new life and with your relationship with your family
Safe travels
Aisla
So happy for you.
I am currently in the same boat as you. Married, 2 kids and fighting all the time. I just dont know where to start to tell my wife i want to be a woman.
She is a little off balance as it is,and telling her i i have had these feelings for over 20 years and cant hold them back anymore.
I know the time is coming soon and i am not looking forward to it, and i will lose contact with my kids because of it. As my my mother and sister, i live in another country so it does not bother me too much if they cut me off.
Stay strong, and i will use you courage and strength to help me when the time is upon me.
Good luck on your journey Paula. Don't ever look back. Be happy.
I cant put into words, what your wishes mean.. I know this is a one way road, both, physically and mentally... I can never go back, either to my family, unless they invite me back, or mentally, i will never stop, until I reach my goal.. I did forget to say.. that I think i am going to shoot for January 1st for full-time.. RLE.. New Year, new start.. not sure if I'll be ready, but mentally, emotionally, I am. I can do this. I can finally do this. I. CAN. DO. THIS!!!
Quote from: Paula Christine on September 21, 2014, 05:20:12 PM
I cant put into words, what your wishes mean.. I know this is a one way road, both, physically and mentally... I can never go back, either to my family, unless they invite me back, or mentally, i will never stop, until I reach my goal.. I did forget to say.. that I think i am going to shoot for January 1st for full-time.. RLE.. New Year, new start.. not sure if I'll be ready, but mentally, emotionally, I am. I can do this. I can finally do this. I. CAN. DO. THIS!!!
It breaks my heart every time I hear of a marriage or family lost when one transitions. Sadly, it is the price we too often have to pay in order to heal ourselves. I wish you all the best on your journey, now that it has truly started. And yes, you can do this. You can finally kick your dysphoria square in the nuts once and for all. My only advice is to let your full-time come organically, and not to force anything.
Hugs,
Jill
:icon_hug: :-* Sorry Sis! :'(
Paula, I am sorry for the marriage detonation but happy for you for the support you are receiving.
Sorry Paula. It sux for sure. Sometimes what is meant to be is meant to be and other times, well what is meant to be is meant to be too. You can live a lie and miserable or you can live your truth and be happy. To tell you the truth, if I was flying from point A to point B I would rather have a happy with themselves pilot no matter who they are. I won't go into the other possibility. My marriage self destructed too and after about a week or two I realized I was free again. I was me again. I could do what ever I wanted to do because I was in charge of my own destiny. Yeah it hurt for a little while and you can grieve for a while but OMG when the grieving is over and total freedom kicks in then no more of one person controlling who the other is... Unless your wife, like Jill's decides to go through it with you and accepts you no matter what. But a lot of times that doesn't happen to a lot of us. Jill is lucky and other's are lucky. But we are lucky too in that we are now in charge of our own destiny and there will always be someone else out there for you. The possibilities of true love are endless, so why stay with who you thought you loved but can't love you for who you are?
It's too much to ask a straight woman to all of a sudden fall in love with a woman that was her husband. It's really tough. I wasn't able to keep my relationship going. And my ex is Bi sexual. But she wanted a man, and I wasn't willing to compromise.
For those sisters on this board that are lucky enough to have successful marriages with their female spouses, more power to you. But it's not realistic for a woman to just accept who we are and just love us for who we are.
Let's say for arguments sake that you were never trans (I'm speaking in general here), and all of a sudden your wife wants to become the man that she believes she is on this inside. How would you deal with that? Be honest here.
To me it's not an issue because I love men. But it's easy to say that women are not understanding or unreasonable. I just think that once we decide to live our lives in the gender we believe we're born in, that we shouldn't fault our significant for going off the wall, or hating us.
It sounds like there is some silver lining there. I'm trying to get my whole face laser-ed tomorrow if I can find the time.
Quote from: Deinewelt on September 23, 2014, 01:06:41 AM
It sounds like there is some silver lining there. I'm trying to get my whole face laser-ed tomorrow if I can find the time.
AMEN!
Quote from: monica93304 on September 23, 2014, 12:56:01 AM
Let's say for arguments sake that you were never trans (I'm speaking in general here), and all of a sudden your wife wants to become the man that she believes she is on this inside. How would you deal with that? Be honest here.
To be completely honest. I really don't know. If I was straight cis, I probably wouldn't be able to handle it either. But again honestly I can say that it would have been more like a dream come true, she could have went one way and I could have went the other and we could have stayed together, just flip flopped gender roles.
But a really good question monica, kind of like walking in someone else's shoes.
Some very heartfelt thoughts and wishes. They help to ease the hurt and pain I feel, that each of us feel when we find our spouses can not handle, understand, much less, accept what we are going thru.
Monica.. my wife has said this very thing... "what if I had decided that I was really a guy inside, what would you do?" I told her, and I KNOW this, I would have stayed, I would have accepted. I do not doubt it for a moment. That is who I am. Yeah, I know, and already hear the "then you're a better person than me...". I'm not. I just love more than I judge... But we'll never know.
But with my own heart, cleaved in two.. busted like a dinner plate, the happiness, and relief I have felt the last 9 days is more than I have felt the last 9 years. Where I am now, I walk around finally able to wear what I want, what I've needed to.. even my heels, worn Sunday, for over 6hours... because I could!! Yes, I am grieving the loss of my family, tho they call or text me every couple days with something that is going on, so they still speak to me, I get another friend that accepts me. Not quite a fair trade but. .. still one I will take.
Sadness and prayers for you that are also losing your spouses, and family. BV.. I am so sorry that yours.. could not endure it either..Jesse, you as well.. prayers going out for all those that are feeling this pain
.
And, yes.. there is a thing or two good from this. The greatest of these, no longer being held captive by shame.
Paula
Jess and Paula, thank you for your answers. I think that most of us if we never had the thought of being transgendered, we'd have a really hard time accepting living with FtM partner for the rest of our lives if we were exclusively attracted to females.
But back to the OP, hang in there friend. Life will get better. Surround yourself by good people and the rest will take care of itself. The world doesn't end.
I find this kind of ironic. I hear people say that "you'll never truly be happy if you transition or marry someone of the same sex. You'll always want something else blah blah blah" is it me or is it fu$&ing ironic that our "loved ones" bring the most anguish and emotional frustration to the table when like a little acceptance from them would go more than a long way. :(
Quote from: Paula Christine on September 21, 2014, 11:15:17 AM
Thank you Izzy, and Megumi... but.. I am responsible for this... I did this to them, so, car, house, bills, insurance... I will forever be the provider, its just what I have to do. Had I said, 31yrs ago, "well, it was nice meeting you, have a great life", and not "hey, would you like to go out Wednesday?". things would have been much different, and I would not be -wanting- to provide for them. Call me a sucker, call me a fool, call me anything you like, but it wont change what I feel I must do.
I would call you an woman of absolute honor and integrity.
I've faced a similar issue although fortunately its not ended so badly - but its not about them, its about me. I absolutely cannot break my promises and commitments, especial to my children, and I'm pretty sure I'd die first. I was certainly headed that way until recently with appalling levels of stress/depression and consequent serious health issues. Dying doesn't really help the situation either, and its been very hard to find a way forward. Life would have been so much easier if I could leave my responsibilities behind me, but its impossible. This is the root of all my problems.
My heart goes out to you Paula. My own long term marriage imploded when my ex-wife realized that I was serious about transitioning. We managed to remain friendly through the split.
My advice to you now is to be nice to yourself and give yourself time to get over this when the grief and sense of loss happens - and it will happen. You are pretty euphoric right now (and rightly so!) but as you move along you may find that your split may come crashing down on you when you least expect it - say you happen to go by a favorite place of the both of you or something happens to trigger your sadness. It has happened to me and it still occasionally hits me hard out of the blue.
Congratulations on breaking out of your shell! :)
Quote from: DelKay on September 23, 2014, 09:31:30 PM
I find this kind of ironic. I hear people say that "you'll never truly be happy if you transition or marry someone of the same sex. You'll always want something else blah blah blah" is it me or is it fu$&ing ironic that our "loved ones" bring the most anguish and emotional frustration to the table when like a little acceptance from them would go more than a long way. :(
No one ever knows what truly makes someone else happy. We compare our lives and our happiness and tend to try to project that onto other's lives and happiness. And unfortunately the more someone supposedly loves us the more they try to project their views on us. I truly think they have the best intentions at in their hearts, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I know, I've walked that road. >:-)
Quote from: Paula Christine on September 23, 2014, 08:00:15 AM
Sadness and prayers for you that are also losing your spouses, and family. BV.. I am so sorry that yours.. could not endure it either..Jesse, you as well.. prayers going out for all those that are feeling this pain
.
And, yes.. there is a thing or two good from this. The greatest of these, no longer being held captive by shame.
Paula
Please don't feel sorry for me Paula, the day the divorce was final was the best day of my life. I had finished my grieving which lasted about a day or so, then their was an actual future standing there in front of me with the door wide open and freedom was the reward. The day I signed the papers and made it final, I threw one helluva party. Kinda' like a wedding reception in reverse. ;)
Now that is a really good way to look at things. No more being bound by someone that is stifling your self expression and trying to live up to someone else's expectations.
BTW, for those of you MTF or FTM whose spouses stuck with them, What I wrote does not pertain to your situations. God bless your spouses for loving you no matter what. Truly loving who you are and not some image of who they think you should be. Ya'll all have something really special and I will go so far as to say that it is true love for one another. I may at first be a shock to them. It may be a really bumpy road in the beginning and so on, but they are still by your side and that is an amazingly beautiful thing.
another small update.. actually.. a couple small ones, and a pretty huge one.. (and this is going to be long again.. like a blog..)
My youngest, called me the other day, asked if I can come take her to the dentist thursday.. I said absolutely.. since mommy is going to be gone the whole week, would you like me to come stay there ., take you to school, work, dentist? She said, no, she was going to try to be independent, but thursday is ok.. we talked about how school was going, problems with learning the math she had to do, getting a tutor.. few other things.. but, generally, a normal... um.. pre-outting conversation.. I did use something close to .. (deep breath) daddys voice, to keep her at ease..
Second thing.. Saturday, and Sunday.. I went shopping. dressed.. soccer mom style.. hair pretty nice, jeans, colored tee, my calf boot, no bra yet (big mistake, would not have been so bad if the stores didnt keep the temp so cool).. bought a total of 16 new tops, blouses at Goodwill.. some really nice ones. a couple i really screwed up on sizes (note to self, you are NOT a medium!) .. plus, one of the tops, a really pretty med. purple flannel (nah, you had to see it ! its was really nice!!) Well, NEXT TIME I read the label, not just the GW tag.. yes, it said Large, but what i did NOT read, was "Miley Cyrus collection".. tho it "looked" big enough, I could not even get it anywhere close to sitting on my shoulders.. If it was a Large, it was a Kids, or maybe even Juniors large.. smh. (second note to self, unless the place is on fire, TRY EVERYTHING ON!)..
the GW checkout girl struck up a conversation, first, did I find everything alright, how cute the tops were, .. I replied, I spotted several really nice boots but they were like.. size 6's and 7's.. ugh, some really small feet... she said, there are some cute ones but also small for her. I mostly looked .. like a female, so she was talking to me like one. Bagging the items, handing them to me, smiled, really nice, very warmly, said, Here ya go, dearie, I hope you have a wonderful day. (almost broke down..) she saw me tear up.. smiled again.. ok, not my first time out, dressed (mostly), but the very first, i was .. spoken to, as a female. I knew, she knew. The store is close to where I live now, so I will be going there, much more.
Anyway.. 16 really nice tops, both long and short sleeved, building my wardrobe. I have purged nearly all of my.. old.. clothes.. keeping a some dark sox for work, a pair of 505 jeans, and some sweatshirts. Everything else.. gone. I have to get a few more jeans, some nice slacks..
Next stop, walmart, and.. well. one of the .. eh, not so good things.. pushing the cart around... looking at quite a few things, all around, not just clothing. Got several muttered comments from neanderthals as we passed, but, while I heard them, I ignored them, did not even turn to look at them for commenting. Screw 'em!!
Still at WM.. looking for black ankle boots for work, spotted some uber-cute med grey ankle boots, I could NOT pass up! I knew, from my lil mistake of thicker socks with the first pair of heels i bought, to wear thinner ones, peds.. I did.. tried on a pair of 10.. fit and looked really nice. Tried a 9.. uh uh, not a chance. The right fit well, the left a bit tight. But once on.. they fit well. Cha-ching! Into the cart. along with some more sox. Self check up.. bagged and headed out the door for home.
Ok, now.. the huge thing... Mom, and I, had not talked pretty much after I came out to her mar 5th.. we talked.. the.. 8th or 9th i think.. and.. not again, until Sunday night. 7 months.. not a word.. no texts, calls, emails.. she had said, in March, she loved me, just would not condone what I was doing, not accept, or.. do anything to acknowledge me. At that point, I think i said, then we have nothing more to talk about.
Well Sunday evening, she called me, in a seemingly normal call, "hadnt heard from you, wondering what you all are doing (so did not know I have left the house).. It became a 3 hour phone call, with. the first 2 hours, going badly. quite a bit of raised voices, several, you just dont get it, yeah, I seemed normal because i was playing a part, I was pretending, I was lying, to myself and everyone else.. And I was not doing it anymore. I told her, I had moved out, and I had been on HRT for 11months, that I no longer looked like the way she remembered me. yeah, those 2 hours, not good..
Where it turned.. good.. I had been crying pretty hard.. trying to just.. speak.. I managed to whisper.. "you know, I love my name.. I mean, I really, love, my name. Thank you, so much, for picking it. But who am I named for?"
She told me "You are named Paula for your great aunt (who I really loved), and Christine, well, she was my best friend that lived across the street, and I really like her name" hmmmm, ok.. I'll buy that.. (It's one of our family names.. we have about 6 or 7 girls, and boys names that are in nearly every family members names.. Marie, Ann, Christine, Margaret, Mary.. Joseph, Michael, John, Stephen/Steven). I said that, it is the name, I will be legally changing to, I hope by Jan 1st. New Year, new beginnings. Mom said, well you cant change your birth certificate name. I replied, you can, in several states but NJ is not one, nor can I change my marker, "thank you Gov. Christie, you dirtbag" as NJ -requires- SRS to change a B/C marker. It would have been either SRS or irreversibly chemically changed (HRT), but that was vetoed (thank you Gov. Christie, you dirtbag) Mom asked if I would do it. I said, "Mom.. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but, honestly, I think, if someone knocked on my door and told me, "hey, your surgery, is all paid for, and, (either) here are your letters, (or) we have done away with the two letter requirement, you're good to go" I would be down the road so fast, I would stop aging.
She said, "well, it would hurt you more than it would hurt me.." at first, I smiled.. then. giggled a little, a chuckle, she followed with a laugh, then a guffaw.. I skipped that and went right to full-on-laughing. Here, my mom, after all the yelling and crying, and pleading the two hours before.. said something, so funny, yet, so poignant, profound, and relevant, I just could not keep from laughing. We did nothing but laugh, back and forth for about 5 minutes. It was the closest we had been in 7 months.
She asked, when was I able to come down to visit (I used to fly into her nearby city every week, rent a car, drive two hours to her house stay over night, fix a few things, then drive back to our destination city, and fly back out.)
She asked, when. could. I. come. to. vist. Mom, you told me you can not see me dressed as a female, and I will not show up in guys clothes, it is just not going to happen.
"Well, dont have to wear a dress, you can wear jeans and a nice top.." So, there is was.. the first opening, from her. I can not believe what i heard. I began to really tear, my voice cracked, could barely get out "well, thats ok, I'm not a dress-kinda girl, it is jeans and tees, sneakers or boots, that is my style" (think soccer mom). She said, "that sounds fine".
So that was the opening, the offer, the outstretched hand, the.. olive branch, maybe?
My sister had told me months ago, she will not see me if I am dressed, in any fashion, nor will she let her kids see thier .. uncle.. that way either. I had told her, "Well, I am sorry, then, you will not see me, at all" I told mom this. And since Mom watches my sisters kids (she lives right next door!), would she tell her that I am coming next month, and it does not matter what she tell them, but since mom has them for most of the afternoon, my sister will either have to make other arraingments, or tell the kids what is happening to their .. uncle.. (kids are like.. 5 and 10). I said, "Mom, I really have changed.. a lot". She said it didnt look like it as she saw a pic that I sent my sister. I answered.. "that picture (I knew which one) was shot in january, Mom.. this.. is September. But I have one from.. Sunday.."
"Send it to me, then, would you?" The pic in question, is my avi.. <--- over there. not -anything- like she has ever seen me look like before. So I emailed it to her. I have not heard back. Now, I think i look.. eh... ok.. not really passing yet.. no makeup, other than the lipgloss.. still a bit of work needed.. few more laser sessions.. but its me.. now.. today.. this moment. I told my sister, "I will not send it to you. If you want to see it, you will have to look in moms FB." I told Mom, I will offer a link to Paul'as FB page (hate talking in 3rd person), I will leave it to you, if you want to veiw it, add me, or not.. I wont force this. (well, she has not friended me yet)
I texted the "sis, make other plans for the kids that week, b/c I will be in the house, and while I wont be in a dress, I wont be in guys clothes. She texted back, Mom told me." but nothing else. I am not changing anything to suit her. 1) ii isnt her house, 2) it isnt her life. If she wants kids sheltered, she will have to keep them away from Grammy's those few days I will be there.
So..
* daughter talking to me again.
* shopped for clothes, cute tops and boots, got muttered comments, ignored them.
* spoken to, as if I were female,
* Mom, speaking to me again, reaching out, made a funny, asked me to visit,
* sister, still closed off.
A LOT has happened this weekend!!
Paula, this is so awesome! The small and the big things. I'm very happy for you!
Thank you, I was... really floored, she asked me to visit. She did say, well if you travel in uniform, you wouldnt be dressed as a girl.. I replied, I would not be in uniform if I was coming down on days off. Mom just.. Oh.. so.. the push is still sort of there to look like I used to be, but it just isnt going to happen that way. I would never go for shock-value anyway. that.. is just not me.
And the boots... OMG! (swoon!) LOL
Tearing up right now.
Big hugs, Paula! Cute boots season is here, too. YAY!
BTW- I'm in therapy again so I can finally get on a plane without completely freaking out. That's the next demon that has to go.
Yay, you go girl!
Thank you so much Jill, Heather (hugs, girl)and Adrian.. I am sorry if this upset you, both good and bad.. but it did not kill me, so it only made me stronger, right, Kelly Clarkson? And, Jesse.. I know it will be .. a lot more difficult for the future, but we're strong, right? I swear, btwn my sisters here and on FB.. I'm about as good as i can get, and have a LOT of shoulders I can cry on!
On a bit of an unhappy note.. one of my best friends wives, who is also a terrific friend, says, she does not like what I am doing, can not accept, says I should pray more, ask for God's healing guidance.. the usual.. She says she will miss who i was but will not friend me as Paula. I thanked her for her honesty, said I would expect nothing less. But knowing, she does not accept, but he does, I will not be one to cause a rift between them, so I will just smile, and say goodbye to them both.
She did give me her email addy tho.. so.. maybe the door is not closed, just, not open. But, I will not reply as.. well.. who I was.
Friends kept: 280+ Friends Lost: 4 Friends, Not Answering Yet: 6
What happens next? A new appt to make with my Endo, saying, my life is now unrestricted, sooooo, let the girl-juice flow. Another MMPI for my therapist in abt a month for a re-eval (should be a LOT better than couple months ago!), and a little more retail therapy.. a few skirts i think.. *sigh* yes, I said I'm more a bit of a tomboy, but some I've seen are really cute. My color spectrum has increased by an order of magnitude!
One thing you could try with someone overly religious just reminding them of their perspective. That to be christian means to be Christ like, and that Christ was the one who hung out with the prostitutes and thieves because the holier than thou pharisees (who were the leaders of the churches) rejected Jesus so he then taught to the non believers and the Pharisees had him hung on the cross. That was the response I got from a dear friend.
Hey, I like that.. it's going in my book of responses. I realize tho, with the two of them, I can not win. and neither will they. If I keep my bestie, she will get mad, or at least uncomfortable, if I drop him, he will be mad at her for causing it.. well.. you know what i mean.. *sigh* I have no control anyone elses happiness.
Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind.
Words to live by hunny. <3
Quote from: HeatherR on October 01, 2014, 02:10:43 PM
Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind.
Words to live by hunny. <3
So true.
Quite honestly though, I misjudged a lot of people when I came out. I have one friend who is a red state, religious conservative whom I thought I would lose instantly because of a homophobic tirade I had heard from him many years ago. He was the FIRST one to get behind me, and we still talk for hours on the phone.
I also had some friends and family tell me right away things like, "Are you f***ing crazy?", "You will end up regretting this.", "You need to check yourself in to the psych ward.", "Why can't you just take antidepressants.", "You are going to end up dead in a ditch.", "Just suck it up.", and my favorite, "You are going to make one big, ugly woman. Why would you ever do that to me?"
Within a week of processing this and me writing them all off, they all came back with their full support. I guess the shock of it all threw them for a loop before they settled back down to earth. At the end of the day, all I lost was a drunkle and a few ex-bandmates. I left the light on and the back door open for them just in case, and I never burned a single bridge.
Some people just need time to think, and time may not heal all wounds, but it certainly doesn't hurt. Paula, you don't have to make a call on this yet, just give it more time.
More hugs,
Jill
Like Jill, I had some unexpected surprises when I came out. One of my brothers is a red neck city cop of the most conservative type, yet he was behind me from day one. We don't friend each other on FB because he hates my liberal politics and I'd remind him of just what his GOP buddies actually were doing, but otherwise we get along great.
The stunner though was my eldest son. My kids are all adults with their own children. And to be called "it" and then told that I should have gone ahead with the suicide because "it would have been easier on the rest of us" was a major shock.
All you can do, Paula, is live your own life. If they want to be part of it, they'll make the effort. And if they don't, you're better off without the heartache they'd bring.
Dear Paula. I'm very proud of you. It's certainly not a choice to be who we are. But when push comes to shove, we do what we have to do.
M.
Quote from: monica93304 on September 23, 2014, 07:52:09 PM
Jess and Paula, thank you for your answers. I think that most of us if we never had the thought of being transgendered, we'd have a really hard time accepting living with FtM partner for the rest of our lives if we were exclusively attracted to females.
But back to the OP, hang in there friend. Life will get better. Surround yourself by good people and the rest will take care of itself. The world doesn't end.
I don't know. I have been called gay. I have been called lesbian and I have been called bi. Most people have no idea what being trans is. I am beginning to believe that we are totally misunderstood. No freakin' duh? Ya think? We are really misunderstood. I mean you like women and are a female then that is OK if ou are male and like men then you are gay but if you a MTF and like women or FTM and like guys, it blows everyone's minds even psychologists and psychiatrists. So if trans is attracted to the same birth gender as they are, what does that make us? I say even though every Psychiatrist and psychologist claim Jungian, they are more Freudian. Sigmund Freud was worst off than just being trans. When I think Sigmund Freud the Doors and Jim Morrison's song, The End. But seriously though I could be as happy with a FTM husband as much as I could be with a MTF wife or a cis husband of cis wife of gay husband or lesbian wife. I really don't care how someone identifies as much as they can make me happy with themselves and myself. If they cam from Mars and green I could care less as long as they made me happy with tem first and happy with myself second.
Well, tonight, the inevitable happened.. a lawyer, for my wife, emailed me the separation and divorce papers. I am both, very sad, and somewhat happy.. nah, not happy at all. I knew this was coming, either her or I was going to do this, I knew it was -not- going to get better, nor go away.. so.. idk..
not even being gendered correctly over the last couple weeks, or finally being fulltime can make this any better. so, resigned i am, to the inevitable..
Quote from: Paula Christine on October 30, 2014, 01:35:32 AM
Well, tonight, the inevitable happened.. a lawyer, for my wife, emailed me the separation and divorce papers. I am both, very sad, and somewhat happy.. nah, not happy at all. I knew this was coming, either her or I was going to do this, I knew it was -not- going to get better, nor go away.. so.. idk..
not even being gendered correctly over the last couple weeks, or finally being fulltime can make this any better. so, resigned i am, to the inevitable..
Yeah I probably wouldn't say happy either. But look really deep down inside and you may find that "somewhat happy"? You may also find a sort of relief, maybe a little excitement for new found freedom? Surface emotions are so hard to break through but I will say one thing that no matter what, sometimes growth in life is painful. Sometimes in order to move forward, we have to leave the past.
What is the inevitable? Please nothing bad. Slow down and think of what you got ahead of you that is positive. Paula, you even said you knew it was coming. Either from you or her even. Sometimes we have to break free from the past in order to move ahead. It is truly hard for us because possibly our whole past is based on a lie, or a denial or just a false persona of who we really are. We have built whole lives, families and careers according to trying so hard to be someone that we can't eventually be anymore. You aren't alone though. Many have been through basically the same thing as you are going through now. Some my not agree with me on this but the worst lie we have told is not to others, but to ourselves. We have given our spouses and families happiness, security, good times and so on all while we have suffered in silence. And yeah it may not be fair to them, but we have been extremely unfair to ourselves and have sacrificed in some case so much. We caused our own suffering just by denying who we truly are and trying to be someone that others expect us to be. Now though, you can be true to yourself and that is a much bigger relief that you will feel when the sadness do to the grieving process is over. It will get better. So shed the tears, grieve and look ahead to the future.
The only advice that I can possibly give is to look ahead. Grieve for sure because it is a great loss but freedom to be who you are without repression or oppression of your self expression and own self identity is a tremendously wonderful thing and once the grieving process is over then this wondrous sense of freedom becomes way more apparent. So just hang in there, shed your tears and just try your best to look to the future.
Thank you Jess.. this meant quite a bit, and everything you wrote resonated with truth and clarity also. We both said, give it time. That I will, as it is all I have to give. And there is the freedom, tho now, no longer financial freedom.. to live out from under the threat, or uncertainty of what the hell will happen next.
Sad, yes, definitely, some relief, and a little happiness (very little) but that too will grow, like these things here (pointing, you can imagine where). so.. deep breath.. ok.. what's next.. :/
Quote from: Paula Christine on October 30, 2014, 01:35:32 AM
Well, tonight, the inevitable happened.. a lawyer, for my wife, emailed me the separation and divorce papers. I am both, very sad, and somewhat happy.. nah, not happy at all. I knew this was coming, either her or I was going to do this, I knew it was -not- going to get better, nor go away.. so.. idk..
not even being gendered correctly over the last couple weeks, or finally being fulltime can make this any better. so, resigned i am, to the inevitable..
Paula-
What a journey you have had! Up and downs and some sideways too.
Having recently gone through the same thing I think I know where you are right now with this - just keep in mind the final goal when these things happen (and they will happen), keep your head up, and keep moving forward no matter what happens. Its your time now and you must put your own well being as a first priority. You will get through this and there is a great life after divorce, but you have to endure the bad stuff to get to that life.
And time lessens the pain too. I had all kinds of conflicting emotions and thoughts and feelings when my split was happening (we were married 27 years), but now I simply wish her well in her new life. She found a guy and she seems happy now - and I get to be an authentic person for the first time in my life. We are still friendly too which helps.
My life is pretty good now - yours will be too - just stay the course and stay strong and don't let those doubt demons tell you otherwise.
Thank you Eva.. I am sorry you went thru your battle as well.. AZ has No-Fault, tho that is NOT why I moved us here, contrary to what my soon-to-be -ex thinks.. this is just whre I work.. but one of the things high on the Hit List is that I did move them away from her family.. tha, could not be helped, as the commute across the country every week, to be home from 12-17hrs each week was really taking its toll on me. Hindsight, always better than 20/20..
Quote from: Paula Christine on October 30, 2014, 09:03:41 AM
Thank you Jess.. this meant quite a bit, and everything you wrote resonated with truth and clarity also. We both said, give it time. That I will, as it is all I have to give. And there is the freedom, tho now, no longer financial freedom.. to live out from under the threat, or uncertainty of what the hell will happen next.
Sad, yes, definitely, some relief, and a little happiness (very little) but that too will grow, like these things here (pointing, you can imagine where). so.. deep breath.. ok.. what's next.. :/
You are so welcome Paula. Just make sure you do the grieving part because that will indeed bring some closure. I quote, "uncertainty of what the hell will happen next." Well that is the magic and adventure of life. Your probably not even thinking of it now but who you may meet that will truly love you for you and who you truly are. It is all up to you and no one else in the mix. You are now in charge of your own destiny. I make it sound so much like a romantic adventure and its pretty far from that but that is true life and the freedom to be in control of yourself.
Me personally, I like the uncertainty. I like not knowing what will happen next. Taking it day by day because anything can happen and tomorrow may never come. I try to worry about tomorrow when it gets here. But you still have your career, one of which not ever or anyone can do. So that is a plus. And that career you have, I put my life in yours and everyone else's when I have to travel in that mode. And I am a control freak. And I don't care who are at the controls as long as they can get me where I need to go safely. ;) Besides you live in Arizona. OMG How freaking cool is that? One of my favorite states aside from Wyoming, sorry though Wyoming beats it even though the bad thing that happened there in the late 90's. That was kind of disappointing but times have changed.
What's next? That is the easy answer.
You. Paula Christine unleashed or unrepressed. The world is yours, take it and make it your own. Or at least your little piece of it. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you and anyone else. Nothing offends or makes me dysphoric other than my own self, so let 'er rip if you need to.
Hi Paula,
I read this thread a couple of weeks ago, but it was too raw with what was going on in my life and I frankly fled. I have had a lot of tears, and sorrow with the ending of my marriage, which in hindsight was misplaced. But feelings are what they are, and to deny them is to go back into the darkness of denial and suppression of who I am.
There has been some chat here about if the shoe was on the other foot - If my wife had after years of fear and introspection determined that in her core she was a man would I have been able to deal with it, assuming I was straight? It is a little difficult because I am both gender and sexually queer, but you know what? I think I could, and even if I could not, I know I would honor the person, and if parting was needed I would try to do so with respect and equity. I think it comes down to who we are as people on a path towards authenticity.
It seems to me that love, if it is real, is both forgiving and accepting. It is not necessary for us to live under conditions that are the antithesis of our personal beliefs, hopes, and desires. But if we truly believe in the rightness of partnering with another human being, the parting of the life path should not be filled with invective and anger. Both of us have had to deal with those conditions, and I am both sorry for our spouses, and grateful that we have a place where the acceptance and support is unconditional.
I must follow my spirit because not to do so is to declare myself not worthy of happiness and not worthy of life. I am worthy of both and so are you. We are people who have chosen to recognize that which already was and to find unsuspected resources to pursue the light. Just writing our thoughts, hopes and dreams here is one of those places of recognition and learning. There have been many times in my life when I sought out sordid places hoping to find companionship and approval. What I found was death.
You are a pilot. You fly in real time, and now you have begun the spiritual flight to a person who lives as authentically as they can imagine. To live in honesty is to finally, after years or decades, fulfill our destiny. It is inconceivable to me that such a quest does not go beyond the realization of self to the realization of the soul. I am proud of everyone who has the courage and the stamina to become who they authentically are, and that includes our significant others in whatever path they need to follow. I have gone from sadness, loss, and resentment to acceptance and peace. I don't know if you have arrived there yet, but with persistence and prayer you will.
I wish you peace,
Julie
Quote from: JulieBlair on October 30, 2014, 06:34:17 PM
Hi Paula,
There has been some chat here about if the shoe was on the other foot - If my wife had after years of fear and introspection determined that in her core she was a man would I have been able to deal with it, assuming I was straight? It is a little difficult because I am both gender and sexually queer, but you know what? I think I could, and even if I could not, I know I would honor the person, and if parting was needed I would try to do so with respect and equity. I think it comes down to who we are as people on a path towards authenticity.
It seems to me that love, if it is real, is both forgiving and accepting. It is not necessary for us to live under conditions that are the antithesis of our personal beliefs, hopes, and desires. But if we truly believe in the rightness of partnering with another human being, the parting of the life path should not be filled with invective and anger. Both of us have had to deal with those conditions, and I am both sorry for our spouses, and grateful that we have a place where the acceptance and support is unconditional.
I must follow my spirit because not to do so is to declare myself not worthy of happiness and not worthy of life. I am worthy of both and so are you. We are people who have chosen to recognize that which already was and to find unsuspected resources to pursue the light. Just writing our thoughts, hopes and dreams here is one of those places of recognition and learning. There have been many times in my life when I sought out sordid places hoping to find companionship and approval. What I found was death.
You are a pilot. You fly in real time, and now you have begun the spiritual flight to a person who lives as authentically as they can imagine. To live in honesty is to finally, after years or decades, fulfill our destiny. It is inconceivable to me that such a quest does not go beyond the realization of self to the realization of the soul. I am proud of everyone who has the courage and the stamina to become who they authentically are, and that includes our significant others in whatever path they need to follow. I have gone from sadness, loss, and resentment to acceptance and peace. I don't know if you have arrived there yet, but with persistence and prayer you will.
I wish you peace,
Julie
Paula
There will be tough times ahead but it does get better. Julie (as usual) states this best - you are worthy of happiness and you deserve to have the opportunity to realise yourself and your soul.
Safe travels
Aisla
Julie, hon, I am so sorry that this cut so deep, I know, many of us go thru the same thing, but the depth, can go from shallow to very deep, anywhere in btwn. She had asked me this very thing, what if I had decided to do this (instead of me).. I told her I would remain. I know I would. She (like me) would still be the same (or close to) spirit that I fell for.. there was a meme on FB this morning.. that said, you do not fall for someone's looks, or their laugh, or anything else, you fall for someone because they sing a song that only your heart hears. I agree. Absolutely.
Aisla... thank you, also, sis. I know I'm not the only one in this fight, we all have our levels of combat, our own levels of pain. Having friends to lean on, or even those that only say, "sorry what you are going thru" .. well, it helps too.
What lies ahead.. I don't know. I have to battle my homophobic, transphobic, benighted, ignorant cousin that thinks I am a danger to myself and others so I was pulled from my trips for the month. Yeah, he really did that.. He is going to find out what defamation of character, and financial harm means. I now have to defend myself against "the machine" that is the Gov't. Tho, my ammo is pretty good... psych evals, that should make it clear, I am sane, and no danger. And on top of all that, find a lawyer to assist in my separation from my wife. Lotta stuff.. But as long as I finally like what I see in the mirror in the morning, I'm good.