Just can't handle it at all; it's infuriating. It's exhausting. I need a tangible means to better cope with this myself because I'm not coping that well at all. I quite literally want to abuse the absolute ->-bleeped-<- out anyone who might laugh or refer to me with the 't' word. In fact I have on a number of occasions. The comments people make from time to time absolutely enrage me. I rage after the fact. My voice is hoarse today because of it. I'm tired of being so angry.
I'm so on edge that if I get looked at I immediately tend to assume 'they know'. With that said I can kind of handle that; what they think is what they think. What I can't handle are their actions. There's a reality here that these kind of things will always happen one way or another, but I need to be able to shrug it off and I just can't seem to do that.
I want to not care in the least what people think and say. I DO care though, I shouldn't but I do. These people know utterly, absolutely nothing about being trans but I still perceive it as such a spit in my face. It's so illogical, it's like listening to a three year old talk about geopolitics and taking them seriously.
I struggled for 20 years to deal with all this, going through major depression, idealising suicide more times than I can count and burying myself deep before I realised I had no choice but to transition...all for too many elements of society to perceive my very existence and struggle and one big giant joke.
If through their words and actions they aim to cause me more hurt and more harm then they're achieving their goals with me.
Your words touched me so much, I'm so sorry for how you've been mistreated and disrespected lately.. Society can be so cruel, with such ignorance and carelessness with they're words..
They just don't know that what they say can be so hurtful and cause such pain.
We're all so here for you, to support you and try to make you feel better.
Please don't forget that for each one of them that makes you frustrated, hurt and mad, there's 10 of us who are on your side, and will try and make you smile and feel better.!!
Take special care.
Hugs
I appreciate your post and show of support but if you don't contribute to the problem then it is not your place to apologise.
I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.
Quote from: kaye on September 26, 2014, 11:48:02 PM
I appreciate your post and show of support but if you don't contribute to the problem then it is not your place to apologise.
I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.
:police:
Just a warning that this was very uncalled for. More comments like this will result in the topic being locked/deleted :police:
I know you are suffering and things are bad, but Mark was making an effort to help. We have all been where you are now and do understand the pain involved in transition much too well. The anger though will not help and only make things worse. Relax, take a deep breath and slow down a little. When you respond to others comments with anger and frustration, they win. When you are miserable because of ignorance, they win. It is hard to endure some of the things we have to and sometimes even I do not respond as I should, but I have learned when to pick my battles and when not to. You will have to do the same. The first thing to learn is we are not your enemy and are here for you. We do not know all the specifics of what you endure all day so many different responses will appear. Read them all and find responses you can relate to without judging anyone's reply. It is OK to disagree or even not consider the response, but have some respect for those who took the time to reply.
Now, what specifically would you like suggestions on? If I remember right you reported your "E" level at over or close to 1,000. I do not think that is a safe level at all and could be contributing to your rage. When was the last time it was checked and how high is it currently? :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:00:16 AM
:police: Just a warning that this was very uncalled for. More comments like this will result in the topic being locked/deleted :police:
I know you are suffering and things are bad, but Mark was making an effort to help.
I know that. There was nothing uncalled for about what I said. All I said was I appreciate his support but that is not his place to apologise on behalf of all cis-people as he hasn't contributed to the problem. What's wrong with that? I wasn't having a dig at him by any means.
Yeah I admit that I'm pissed off and not happy. What did I get yesterday when walking by someone 'You're a dude'...yeah ok. Today what do I get just walking down the street 'It's a ->-bleeped-<-', yeah, love it. I go to the supermarket just now, what do I get by a staff member, snickering and laughter so I snapped and cursed them out.
I'm sorry, I'm over this crap. I'm two years into my transition and I'm still dealing with this garbage. It's all well and good to say 'pick your battles' but clearly I ain't any good at that. It all upsets me and no I don't respond to everything but eventually I will snap, even if it's a relatively minor thing like laughter.
QuoteIf I remember right you reported your "E" level at over or close to 1,000. I do not think that is a safe level at all and could be contributing to your rage. When was the last time it was checked and how high is it currently? :)
Checked about a month back, it's around 1,000. I don't see why it's not a safe level, my endo seems to think it's safe.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 12:15:01 AM
Checked about a month back, it's around 1,000. I don't see why it's not a safe level, my endo seems to think it's safe.
Kaye normal estradiol values in natal women are only around 45pg/ml. The only time it rises higher is during ovulation and then it spikes around 400pg/ml and quickly drops to around 250pg/ml. Too high a level will halt progress and not feminize at all. Has your Endo done HRT for long or is the Endo new to trans issue's? There have been a couple of girls here get too high an Estradiol level and they describe a lot of the symptoms you talk about.
Quote from: kaye on September 26, 2014, 11:48:02 PM
I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.
I guess I should have been more specific. This is what was uncalled for.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:20:32 AM
Kaye normal estradiol values in natal women are only around 45pg/ml. The only time it rises higher is during ovulation and then it spikes around 400pg/ml and quickly drops to around 250pg/ml. Too high a level will halt progress and not feminize at all. Has your Endo done HRT for long or is the Endo new to trans issue's? There have been a couple of girls here get too high an Estradiol level and they describe a lot of the symptoms you talk about.
It's something I'll clarify next time I see him but I think there's a chance we're using different measurements. I know mine is higher than a natal females but it isn't 20 times higher. I know it is a 1,000 but I don't know a 1,000 what.
No the trouble is me, not the hormones. I just can't cope with ignorance. Even before I started transition I was like this.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:20:32 AM
I guess I should have been more specific. This is what was uncalled for.
Maybe it was. But so were they for laughing at me. Denigrating my whole life and every struggle I've had into one big joke. I think that is far more uncalled for than a frustrated cuss word in response.
Simply hit the report to moderator button on the lower right to report abuse. It is my job to correct it, not yours. :)
I did check your post history and saw no signs of abuse by other members here. Could you direct me to the post it occurred in?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:32:21 AM
Simply hit the report to moderator button on the lower right to report abuse. It is my job to correct it, not yours. :)
I'm sorry I don't understand. This happened in public, not on the forum.
Quote from: kaye on September 26, 2014, 11:48:02 PM
I just told someone to 'f off' for laughing at me. You know I really can't cope with this. I need coping mechanisms but I really am not seeing much in this thread.
When you read it a person could conclude it happened here due to the thread reference. I am so glad it was NOT one of our members here.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:36:10 AM
When you read it a person could conclude it happened here due to the topic reference.
I would hope not. My concerns are with trans ignorance in public.
Now, with the confusion gone lets get onto trying to help you! :)
Unfortunately the public are woefully uneducated for one. The other is for some reason it is popular to make fun of everyone as YouTube shows time and time. A lot of us are fortunate we live in slightly better environment's, but no one is safe from harassment at all. In my generation even being gay was an arrest able offense so things have improved, but still have a long way to go sadly. Do you have access to any real life support groups at all?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:38:24 AMDo you have access to any real life support groups at all?
I do from time to time; like once a month if I'm lucky. Do counselling too. It's all sporadic though.
Do you feel different when you are around the others? Does it help or hurt you? Is the sporadic timing work related or some other issue causing you to miss meetings? After the meeting do the members of your group go out to eat or something and if they do are you with them then? :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:50:54 AM
Do you feel different when you are around the others? Does it help or hurt you? Is the sporadic timing work related or some other issue causing you to miss meetings? After the meeting do the members of your group go out to eat or something and if they do are you with them then? :)
No really. I'm going overseas very soon so I'm constrained right now but I'm going to be making an effort to associate with other trans people in more social settings when I get back. To be honest I get on well with people for the most part. If I am treated with respect I will reciprocate. Yet if I'm disrespected I have no qualms about giving it right back.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 12:55:40 AM
I'm going overseas very soon
Is it going to be a trans friendly country or will things get worse for you?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 12:57:16 AM
Is it going to be a trans friendly country or will things get worse for you?
It's Thailand. It's not going to be worse really, but there's still some ignorance there.
If it makes you feel better quite a few of our members went there for SRS and have nothing, but good to say about the experience there.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 01:11:36 AM
If it makes you feel better quite a few of our members went there for SRS and have nothing, but good to say about the experience there.
I've been there twice before. I'm going there for brow bone surgery and breast implants for all the good it's going to do me.
I feel this pain. I seem to pass 100 percent of the time (though I am sure a few will actually know or suspect and not say anything) yet I still worry about being read all the time. I try and tell myself I don't care but it's an internal battle as I am unable to and do that and do not want to be the kind of person that walks around thinking that I don't care what people think of me. I do care. I am not a sociopath. I smile at others, I want them to be happy, I care about pretty much everyone I see, look for the best in them, want them to succeed, it's not me to think 'f you and you and you don't matter to me' it's probably the hardest thing about being trans post transition to me.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 12:24:43 AM
It's something I'll clarify next time I see him but I think there's a chance we're using different measurements. I know mine is higher than a natal females but it isn't 20 times higher. I know it is a 1,000 but I don't know a 1,000 what.
No the trouble is me, not the hormones. I just can't cope with ignorance. Even before I started transition I was like this.
If you are outside the USA then your doctor might be using a variation on S.I. units (which is (mol/L for chemical concentration), in the case of blood estradiol levels the sensible unit would be pmol/L. My last two blood tests which were only about a week apart were 600 pmol/L and 900 pmol/L, which are actually quite high- pretty much pre-ovulatory levels for cis-women. For reference 900 pmol/mL (estradiol) is approx. 250 pg/mL (estradiol). So if your doc is using SI units then your levels are still pretty high, but not super crazy.
As for me, my endo doesn't care; 'he 'doesn't believe in testing for estradiol' and his attitude towards T is just lower in better... mine is <0.4 nmol/L (<12 ng/dL) which means undetectable, I'm not sure if that's such great thing personally and could explain the crazy anxiety I get. My feminiziation is progressing quite quickly though which is great :) I'm on patches for E (probably a pretty average dose), and a middle of the road dose of cyproterone acetate (androcur).
It would be good to see what units your doc is using just be sure though :), and may I ask a favour to all others on this site? Please state the units when talking about blood hormone levels- it gets confusing.. thanks :)
Claire
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 01:18:01 AM
I've been there twice before. I'm going there for brow bone surgery and breast implants for all the good it's going to do me.
Sweetie why do you say this? You are well on the path to realize your dream. Does that mean anything to you? :(
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 01:25:31 AM
Sweetie why do you say this? You are well on the path to realize your dream. Does that mean anything to you? :(
Course it does, but you know what? I'm demoralised. I hoping that makes for a dramatic and positive change for me but you know, my upper body physique is still too masculine. My voice is still so-so. I don't even know how passable I am, it's somewhere between not bad and not at all. And it doesn't matter, because I should be able to cope with the ignorance of others anyway and I'm just not. The manner in which people in public act and the things they say just infuriate me. Tired, fed up and over it.
I was once told that there were two types of transsexuals, the ones that cope and the ones that don't. Clearly I'm in the later category.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 01:33:11 AM
I was once told that there were two types of transsexuals, the ones that cope and the ones that don't. Clearly I'm in the later category.
It does not have to be that way though. The only difference between those that cope and those that don't is simply confidence in themselves and ignoring stupid comments from people. That's all. I live for me and not for anyone else or some unattainable goal of being a perfect, young super model. I pass because I believe in myself and know deep inside I have a right to happiness and freedom.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 01:42:49 AMI pass because I believe in myself and know deep inside I have a right to happiness and freedom.
Great you pass. Well you don't have to worry about a lot of what I'm talking about then. Must be nice.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 01:59:30 AM
Great you pass. Well you don't have to worry about a lot of what I'm talking about then. Must be nice.
Kaye it was not like that at first, ok? I have been where you are now I am simply telling you it can and will get better for you if you let it. You really need to start believing in yourself and less with what other people say or you will be stuck like this forever. Do you want to change inside or do you like where you are now? Do you deserve a life where you live and not simply exist? If so just learn to let comments slide. You would be surprised at how many people that comment negatively to you have totally messed up lives and simply get pure pleasure out of riling you up. Don't let them! My Drill Instructor one day told me this: Free your *ss and your mind will follow. You have to find some way to get to this point as I can't do it for you. Do you really want to spend all the money for transition and still be miserable or look at it as a new start to life? You have the power, not the idiots, so use it.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 02:06:37 AMIf so just learn to let comments slide. You would be surprised at how many people that comment negatively to you have totally messed up lives and simply get pure pleasure out of riling you up. Don't let them!
That's a pretty logical position and it isn't like I don't try. I tell myself exactly that. To forget it, to not worry about, to not let it get to me. But it still does. No amount of telling myself not to worry about it makes a difference. My mind revisits certain negative situations, replays them over and over and while I can handle them in isolation, then another negative situation happens. Then another and another after that. And eventually my frustration builds to the point where it breaks me.
I rage to myself about it, imagining myself in various situations again for all the lack of sanity that represents. When the next situation happens I've become so riled up about it all that I finally snap, even if it is for something relatively minor. I envy those who can brush all this off like it's nothing but for me, doesn't really happen no matter how badly I want it to.
Have you considered anxiety medication or anti depressants? It could ease your mind a lot and allow you to overlook some of the things that trigger you right now. It might be a place to start and at least try it for a while. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 02:27:49 AM
Have you considered anxiety medication or anti depressants? It could ease your mind a lot and allow you to overlook some of the things that trigger you right now. It might be a place to start and at least try it for a while. :)
I am on anti-depressants. I have backed off the dosage recently so I guess it's back to everyday then ::)
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 02:31:13 AM
I am on anti-depressants. I have backed off the dosage recently so I guess it's back to everyday then ::)
Did they help any? Adding an anxiety medication like Xanax could help immensely. :)
Well Kaye I hope something said tonight will help you out some way even if only small. It is 5 hours past my bedtime so I am going to have to go for now. Feel free to PM if you ever need to. :icon_hug:
I spent the most part of my childhood being a target. An easy target at that since I really stood out. A tall, fat, stuttering, mouth breathing, four eyed freak. Add being shy (More avoidance) and the assumed you have to be an idiot since you look like one and don't speak. Being a target was a major factor in me stopping my much earlier transition experiments. That far outweighed being able to deal with being trans.
People will say things just to provoke a response. Sort like pulling the cats whiskers. The more you respond the more they push. Free live reality show entertainment for them. Even just your non-verbal clues may be provoking them to up the intensity.
So why respond? Do you expect them to suddenly change their behavior thanks to your insightful lessons? People don't change unless they want to. Certainly not because they need to.
Smile, walk away, and pray they don't beat you over the head with a crowbar for ignoring them.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 01:59:30 AM
Great you pass. Well you don't have to worry about a lot of what I'm talking about then. Must be nice.
Why snap at people who are trying to help you? I get it you're mad but still.
Kaye I talked with you a long time last night and what I am going to say may seem mean, but it appears to me YOU are the one to blame for your problems. If you act like this in public I can see why people would get a buzz out of upsetting you. You are angry and appear to be able to be abusive and the public is simply giving you payback. I would like you to check into local anger management classes and learn some strategies to change yourself. Only they will you find the peace I believe you DO want. :)
Kaye, have you talked to your therapist about your severe anger issues? This is clearly something you need to work on. Flying off the handle is not good for you or others.
From what a few others have said you might have gained a reputation for outbursts and people like to push your buttons to get a reaction out of you. Just like that one kid who's family constantly provokes him and posts his reactions on youtube. I don't really have coping mechanisms that prevent me from feeling the pain and anger of being made fun of for being trans, were human and we have feelings but what I do know is that anger or retaliation never have a positive outcome.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 09:40:17 AM
You are angry and appear to be able to be abusive and the public is simply giving you payback. I would like you to check into local anger management classes and learn some strategies to change yourself. Only they will you find the peace I believe you DO want. :)
No they're not giving me payback Jessica; it's rather assumptive of you to suggest that. What they're doing is being very inconsiderate and hurtful because they perceive someone who is trans and they're uneducated and ignorant. I do not fly off the handle at every situation by any means if that is what you want to imply. They're different people in different situations. The vast majority of my interactions are positive. I just can't handle ignorance without getting angry or frustrated about it. I try to keep it in, and do for the most part but sometimes I react. So that's what I'm asking for, strategies to not care nearly as much as I do.
Quote from: Megumi on September 27, 2014, 04:06:04 PM
Kaye, have you talked to your therapist about your severe anger issues? This is clearly something you need to work on. Flying off the handle is not good for you or others.
He keeps telling me that he wants to 'see my anger'. Great. And I keep telling him that I can't exactly bring it up on demand.
You know all this crap, the laughter, the comments, the mockery...it takes a toll you know. It's all well and good to put this all on me but there seems to be this element of battered housewife syndrome going on here. Apparently if you're trans and you get abused to the point where you react then YOU'RE the blame. I mean that's what I'm taking from this so far. If you get angry then no one else has done anything wrong, just YOU. Seems to be the case for bullying in general actually.
I'd be the first to admit that anger is destructive, not helpful. So I don't want to react that way; I want to be above that. But you know what, I let people walk all over me for years and treat me like a plaything for their amusement. And I stood there and did nothing because I was always too scared to stand up for myself. I'd go home and be extremely depressed and angry and frustrated over it. This literally built for two decades. Yet, in the situation when I was put down, I did nothing. When I transitioned the shackles came off; years of hurt and pain came out and got directed at anyone that I perceived to be causing me hurt and harm. I know what that sort of psychological bullying does to a person. My reaction is ultimately defensive, not aggressive.
You know it was me, six months ago that repeated to myself over and over and over and over, 'I want to die', 'I want to die', 'I want to die'. Because if I convinced myself I was going to kill myself I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. None of it would matter. It was therapeutic. Since then I've been trying to get better and I don't want to go back to that place, and yet, I'm cut down by people who will intentionally demean me for their own bemusement, I get angry about it and the one to blame here is ME?
I'm sorry, but if the goal is to help me then I don't perceive that putting all the blame onto me to be a constructive way to be doing it.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 08:26:59 PM
But you know what, I let people walk all over me for years and treat me like a plaything for their amusement. And I stood there and did nothing because I was always too scared to stand up for myself.
It sounds to me Kaye that you are over compensating though with your anger. We are trying to help. :)
I would explain to the therapist what makes you angry then and try to come up with methods that will allow you to cope better in those situations. You may not be able to show him your anger on demand, but you can at least explain those situations that make you angry and working on how you respond to them.
Mariah
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 08:43:08 PM
It sounds to me Kaye that you are over compensating though with your anger. We are trying to help. :)
I know. Please don't take my anger and frustrations personally, I'm just a bit fed up right now.
Quote from: Mariah2014 on September 27, 2014, 08:47:08 PM
I would explain to the therapist what makes you angry then and try to come up with methods that will allow you to cope better in those situations. You may not be able to show him your anger on demand, but you can at least explain those situations that make you angry and working on how you respond to them.
Mariah
Thanks. I'm going to have to really work on trying to improve my psychological health. I think it is the most important aspect of transition and something I have to dedicate more focus towards.
It is and the sooner your able to the healthier and likely happier you will be.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 09:02:32 PM
I know. Please don't take my anger and frustrations personally, I'm just a bit fed up right now.
Thanks. I'm going to have to really work on trying to improve my psychological health. I think it is the most important aspect of transition and something I have to dedicate more focus towards.
TRIGGER WARNING
It's kind of frustrating and I almost outed myself today in front of my wife and her older daughter.
You know how there is a nasty unfounded rumor about the first lady, right? You know the one.
Anyway we met up someone today and in discussion, said that to us laughing and I was like, "are you f-ing serious. You know they have kids, right? If they could pull that off, I'm sure every transsexual would be over the moon because of what's possible."
I then said, "I think that's a really mean thing to say. Childish like the fat jokes about Chris Christie. You know I don't really make jokes like that because that could be me!" I was of course referring to Christie's problem with his weight (and I actually personally congratulated him when he had the surgery on taking charge of his health, he brushed it off.)
Then I kinda just dropped it, I had an "ohh sh**" moment... My wife looked at me kinda weird, then agreed, "yeah, I really don't make jokes like that either."
BTW I was kinda shocked that I was actually defending the first lady, because of my political leanings. Won't go too much into that here though.
Quote from: kaye on September 27, 2014, 08:26:59 PM
I'm sorry, but if the goal is to help me then I don't perceive that putting all the blame onto me to be a constructive way to be doing it.
This is where the core of the problem is at and you seem unable to get past the fact that sometimes we have to work on ourselves whether we like it or not. There's no easy fix in this case and your anger issue is something you need to work on about yourself. We can't control how people react to us in public and it really sucks that people are jerks for no other reason than to make themselves feel better by putting others down. We can chose to either let them have the power over us or not and no it's not letting them walk all over us it's not giving them the satisfaction of seeing that them being jack wagons has any effect on us.
So right now you have only a few options in front of you.
1: You can continue on the path that you are on right now. Constantly blowing up and getting mad when anyone says something to you or about you. You might blow up one day and assault someone and go to jail or worse.
2: Work on the anger issues, tell your therapist about the situations and how they throw you into that frame of mind. I find it hard believe that the therapist isn't willing to help unless they see you act out before they can help you and if the therapist seems to not be helping then find a support group that caters to this very subject.
3: Get a fresh start and move to a more transgender friendly area of the country and disregard your problems and hope that they don't come back in the new place if you ever have an issue in public again.
I hope you can get your anger issues resolved. I learned early on that people will say what they want and I'm not going to let them hurt my feelings, especially if it's some random person out in public who I have no relation to. If it's a friend or family member then I will calmly talk to them. For the ones who do it out in public then that's their problem, I refuse to give them any satisfaction in me having an outburst of confronting them because that's what they want. People love drama and if you provide them entertainment in the process then that just reinforces their justification in their actions. It can be called allowing yourself to be walked on or you can call it being the better person, that's up to you.