I need some suggestions or advice everyone. :embarrassed:
I should be happy, but.....something is missing. I mean I am having a great transition, live free everyday now and feel right for the first time in my life. I pass and have been fully accepted by those around me, but there is just something at the fringe of my understanding which alludes me and denies total happiness. I am at a loss to describe it only that there is something missing from the picture. I don't know if it is the 9 month HRT blues or what, but it is real and as hard as I think about and consider it, I can't figure it out. I feel 99.0% complete with my life and should not be in this frame of mind at all. What is this 1.0% that is taunting me? Even with all the things I am dealing with in my life now it has been bearable and they have been put into the proper perspective since transition. I know I am worried about SRS with the Government and Surgeons waffling on how to implement the latest changes, but even that is not causing this feeling of incompleteness. There is just something in my soul thirsting, something very vague yet real. It is quite like the feeling I had before beginning transition when I knew I was supposed to be female and it drives me all day now. Any ideas or am I just loony or nuts? Will I ever find it or will it be revealed? Any advice at all? :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
The feeling may come and go, I hope it goes soon hun.
If you feel a void, something not right (in general) fill your time doing something you love, maybe that 1% is not feeling like you're doing anything productive or just fun. Transitioning is stressful as hell, you might need a break.
I suggest music, drawing, writing or anything else that can make you forget SRS or other worries.
If it's something that doesn't go away I'd speak with your therapist or endo, sometimes the slightly wrong dose can mess up your head
*hugs*
I really hope you feel better soon, just relax and take care of yourself. If you ever need anything PM me or come see me in chat, I've always got time and I care.
-Matt
Girl, you need'a pick up a guitar, or a bass, or sit down at some drums, and play your heart out. Or if you aren't a musician, do whatever it is that gives your life meaning. Create something. Write a story -- it doesn't even have to be a good one. Write a crappy story, then write one a little better. Draw a picture. Draw a crappy one. Draw a better one. Tell yourself that you love yourself, and tell yourself this a hundred times. Write it a hundred times. I'm dealing with depression, too, and these are some of the things that help me.
<3
I don't think it's possible to be 100% happy for more than a few moments, most of us will always feel like something is missing or we can do something better no matter how great things are or how well we have done. It's the human condition, but as a consequence we can always get happier and I think that's a good thing because life would be pretty bleak if we knew at some point we had reached the happiest point in our life and everything after that was downhill.
In the meantime here is something to ponder about happiness:
http://www.youtube.com/attribution_link?a=UguNJZKEMJ8&u=/watch?v%3D4q1dgn_C0AU%26feature%3Dshare
Maybe find some new music you like? Whenever I am really down, I try to find a new artist or album that I really like.
That 1% is you waiting for that other shoe to drop, don't worry Jessica it won't.
You said it best yourself Jessica, you are having a great transition. You are able to live free everyday now and feel right for the first time in your life. You have passed and been fully accepted by those around you. Good things do happen to good people and you are one of the best. The hard part is learning to accept, it let go and enjoy the ride without worrying about why it happening
***TRIGGER WARNING***
Sometimes I feel that way as well.
Some days I feel frazzled by transition fatigue, and sometimes I look in the mirror and still see all of the unwanted traces of "him".
On other days, unhappiness has zero to do with me being MTF. I am seeing a different therapist now because of PTSD, phobias and grief.
***YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, READ NO FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRIGGERED BY MY PERSONAL HELL***
I had basically a horrible childhood, took way too much abuse by pretty much everyone but my mother, was in a near plane crash, a nasty car wreck, had a good friend essentially die in my arms, got blamed for his death and had people threaten to kill me over it. Then there was the time I had dental work with no anasthesia, and all those months where I was aware that I might be terminally ill. I have also lost a lot of people in recent months.
Now that I've faced ill health, recovery, and the fact I'm transgender, the other issues were (big surprise) still there for me to deal with: Fear of flying, fear of doctors and dentists, reliving the worst moments of my life over and over, missing all of my dead friends and trying not to blame myself.
The fact that I am still here tells me that I am stronger than my demons. I know I am very resilient and quite the fighter, so I am taking the demons out one at a time. Identifying the next demon that needs to go is the trick, which unfortunately requires some painful soul searching. Jessica, I wish I could help more, but I think introspection and therapy are where you need to go next.
Our demons don't stand a chance.
Thanks. Therapy is going very good and no major issue's have been uncovered. I still deal with the career horrors, but things are fine otherwise. Maybe it is waiting for the shoe to drop? It is also possible since I have never been this happy it scares the poopie out of me. It just feels like something vital is just not there. Hmmm :eusa_think:
I guess I will go back to breaking down the walls. :eusa_wall: :icon_chainsaw:
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 29, 2014, 06:41:09 PM
Thanks. Therapy is going very good and no major issue's have been uncovered. I still deal with the career horrors, but things are fine otherwise. Maybe it is waiting for the shoe to drop? It is also possible since I have never been this happy it scares the poopie out of me. It just feels like something vital is just not there. Hmmm :eusa_think:
I guess I will go back to breaking down the walls. :eusa_wall: :icon_chainsaw:
Hopefully it's just "Why am I so freakin' happy all the time? What is wrong with me?" I'm still getting used to happiness myself.
Quote from: Jill F on September 29, 2014, 06:45:16 PM
Hopefully it's just "Why am I so freakin' happy all the time? What is wrong with me?" I'm still getting used to happiness myself.
Is it actually possible to miss depression? ??? That would be so not cool!
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 29, 2014, 06:47:27 PM
Is it actually possible to miss depression? ??? That would be so not cool!
Happens to me with anxiety bs all the time, unfort. I mean, it's not that I miss it, it's just... Well. Like it was this constant (albeit crappy) part of me; when it's gone, I feel a little unsettled and off-kilter, like my foundation's been pulled out from under me, and when it comes back, it's almost comforting in a "hello darkness, my old friend" sort of a way.
I think the trick is to internalize an understand of yourself as a happy, healthy person. Easier said than done, I know.
I agree with Jill, therapy and introspection.
Perhaps it is from a reduction of dysphoria.
Such awesome replies.!
I just had a thought, that perhaps now that your physical journey is getting complete, that maybe you should consider the spiritual part of your journey, maybe that might complete that one thing missing.?
Just a thought.
Hugs
Like others have suggested I don't think that anyone can ever be 100% happy, but that's not a bad thing. Just like the grain of sand in an oyster can ultimately create the most beautiful oyster sometimes it is the irritations of life that motivate us to take the challenges we need to be a better more fulfilled person.
what lacks is probably a deep spiritual realization that life can be this great, and it can last forever.
unfortunately, unhappiness really is something you can miss. it might have been that one thing which was always true an stabile in your life. now that it's gone, what do you lean on to know that this all isn't just a dream?
a sad statistical fact says that girls who have grown up with a father who was abusive towards their motherand often to the daughter too, will often try to form relationships with abusive men. and if she is lucky enough to find someone who is just perfect, makes her happier than ever, a feeling of unease, something not being right, will often make her break up with that perfect guy. because the constant abuse seems to have been internalized in her as proof of true love. and even if her mind understands how wrong that is, her feeling will have a hard time catching up to that fact.
if unhappiness was that one final proof of being alive, wouldn't happiness mean that you aren't living at all?
try asking your soul some questions about lingering misunderstandings about the possibilities of happiness in your life.
Well, this is just my opinion but as humans we will always feel something is missing. That is what drives us. To search for that one missing piece of the puzzle to make us complete. Without it we would probably go stale and stop all movement forward or growth. Think of it like a psychological carrot on a stick. You'll probably never catch up to it and if you do, then something else will take it's place. Just human nature or we would probably all be living in caves still.
But like others have said, I really don't think it is possible for a human to be 100% happy. If it was natural for humans and if humans were 100% happy we would not be where we are today. ???
Dysphoria does this amazing job of masking the source of a lot of other stuff, you will probably be aware that you suffer from anxiety or depression, but it's very easy to blame it all on the dysphoria. Transition can often be seen as a panacea but it's not. What you could be doing is working through your transition and dealing with the dysphoria and becoming aware of other underlying causes for things.
Jessica, I don't know if you're feeling the same sort of thing I am, but for quite a while I had a sense that there was something missing. That there was some level of femininity that I was reaching for but could not yet grasp.
The feeling hasn't gone away. I've gotten used to it and accepted it. That I may never feel that my womanhood is "whole", even though I only have a vague idea of what that means.
I've heard of many other trans women say the same. That they are having trouble accepting themselves as a woman. That they feel like something more needs to be done but they can't figure out what's missing.
Hugs, dear. You are every bit the woman you need to be.
Quote from: suzifrommd on September 30, 2014, 07:46:50 AM
That they feel like something more needs to be done but they can't figure out what's missing.
Hugs, dear. You are every bit the woman you need to be.
The difference between 'doing' and 'being' is huge. To me, Jessica is a true inspiration to me of what a trans gender individual can 'do' to change life for the better, much better!
We can 'do' many things with our transition and well beyond, however trying to 'be' is often the result of 'doing'. Just 'being', sitting in silence, allowing ourselves to be in the moment, without planning the next step, worrying about failed steps in the past, and simply 'be' is one of the most difficult things to do in life.
It is interesting, and terrible, to read this. Jessica, you are one of very few to know the past that I carry - like Marley's ghost drags his chains.
It never goes away, as Jill F says; as you know.
While gender diversity is normal and not a mental condition, the co-morbidities so many of us carry can need some quite intensive psychotherapy. No matter how unpopular that opinion may be.
I am now a days, happy and content, looking forward to my surgery and a very functional woman in society, but I still carry my past. As I suspect you carry yours.
I do believe that once our dysphoria has been overcome that our other issues can resurface. They now have room to attack us and we have to face them. I do think this is where a therapist who is far more than a gender therapist can help.
I still hear my chain, I still feel my collar, but I no longer awake screaming at night.
It was harder to face and deal my past than it was to face my gender dysphoria, but I do think that my easy and ready acceptance of my femininity, my strength, my desire to live, comes from facing my horror. But there is no way that I could have done that without some serious help.
Maybe it is time to seek that help.
Hugs and Love
Cindy
"other issues" can be just as bad, or even worse than gender dysphoria. kind of depends on how bad your gender dysphoria is, compared to your other issues... there are cis people who have a terrible enough past that they become suicidal, and some even have troubles bad enough that they'd rather change sex or pretend a different sexuality, than face their issues.
some things will haunt you even after transition. i mught be finding a way to transition soon. at least i hope i will. what's keeping me together, is dealing with other issues that were keepung me mych unhappier than gender and body dysphoria alone could do. or maybe this is just the way i experiwnce it because those other issues were so hard for me to deal with. the relief is great.
Sounds to me like you lost your sense of purpose, hon.
Having a goal, having something to strive for, to give one a sense of accomplishment and bettering themselves... it drives us all to a greater or lesser extent. For someone at the start of transition, transition itself can be the purpose. The driving force. But when everything's going smoothly, when everything's under control... what then?
That's the question you have to answer... you need to find purpose. Something to reach for. :)
Now that I'm a couple of weeks into living full time as a woman and life is settling into more of a routine I can see what you are talking about Jessica. I don't feel like a woman, and I'm not quite sure where I go in life from this point - I still just feel like me, doing a lot of the same things that I used to do. What does feeling like a woman feel like anyway? I have no clue.
I think that once you've dealt with the demons you've had all of your life and work free of them you are in uncharted, unfamiliar territory without any references from your old life to guide you. At least that's where I'm finding myself now.
Assuming that you are not suffering from lingering dysphoria I'd say that Sephirah nailed it - you've got a new life and you don't know what your purpose is yet. I'd also hazard a guess that you aren't being fed spiritually right now.
It takes time to grow into the new you. Try to feed your spiritual side and I think that answers to these questions will begin to happen.
Hi everyone!
I think I found it! I think I am mourning the loss of my career. It was a major part of my life and through it a way to keep Dysphoria at bay. I mean I have a fairly good spirituality and I sometimes amaze myself with my femininity. Things are going well in Therapy, but I have never gotten over HOW my career ended. I mean I just showed up one day, climbed on the rig and never thought it was going to be the last day. I think the recent bout of PTSD reminded me in some way of what I am missing. The events of that day are horrifying and I hate them, but on the other hand it makes me dig out the scrapbooks and look at all I did. When I do that is when this feeling of incompleteness comes over me. It was a huge chunk of my life and I did things most people will never, ever have the chance to do and I miss it. The bad thing is I was ruled 100% disabled as a result of being injured in the line and cannot even work a small job or lose my benefits. Maybe it would help to have some big strong guy shoulders to lean on when I look back and can then smile. I would like to find out as I have always had to be the strong one in a relationship. I am not saying I will get into one just to CURE this feeling, but if I met the right one, who knows? I am so satisfied otherwise with my transition and all that goes along with it. :)
Just to prove I am feeling a little better -*GIGGLES* See, all better now! :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 30, 2014, 02:09:52 PM
Hi everyone!
I think I found it! I think I am mourning the loss of my career. It was a major part of my life and through it a way to keep Dysphoria at bay. I mean I have a fairly good spirituality and I sometimes amaze myself with my femininity. Things are going well in Therapy, but I have never gotten over HOW my career ended. I mean I just showed up one day, climbed on the rig and never thought it was going to be the last day. I think the recent bout of PTSD reminded me in some way of what I am missing. The events of that day are horrifying and I hate them, but on the other hand it makes me dig out the scrapbooks and look at all I did. When I do that is when this feeling of incompleteness comes over me. It was a huge chunk of my life and I did things most people will never, ever have the chance to do and I miss it. The bad thing is I was ruled 100% disabled as a result of being injured in the line and cannot even work a small job or lose my benefits. Maybe it would help to have some big strong guy shoulders to lean on when I look back and can then smile. I would like to find out as I have always had to be the strong one in a relationship. I am not saying I will get into one just to CURE this feeling, but if I met the right one, who knows? I am so satisfied otherwise with my transition and all that goes along with it. :)
Just to prove I am feeling a little better -*GIGGLES* See, all better now! :)
OK guys or even girls I think? Is a call for a pair of open arms for a pair of open arms
Any takers.
Ok so this may sound totally off the wall, but ya'll know me and that's pretty much where I stay. If its not just what I mentioned earlier and there feels like an element of femininity missing, has anyone ever though of hypnotherapy to kind of maybe plant a posthypnotic suggestion that will overcome the past baggage? I know it is fairly pricey, more so than regular therapy and may take several sessions to fully get deep enough to overcome the negatives of the past. It will not wipe out who you were but it can change the way you look at yourself and feel about yourself now and instill a more full emersion in femininity. I mean if it can help with over eating and smoking cessation, it may be able to help with this little problem. Or you can look into self hypnosis. I practice this all the time. Make a recording of yourself just over and over saying who you are now, who you want to be, what you want the end outcome to be and then loop it and play it at a low volume when you got to sleep. When the brain starts going naturally into different waves while falling asleep then it very well may instill what you want in your sub conscious mind. Also when you are falling asleep just say what you want to feel over and over again in your mind, even without a recording this works pretty well. Sleep is a natural sort of hypnosis until you fall really deep into it. It does work even as crazy as it sounds. Research ways in which to do it.
All this brought to you by the resident Crazy Chick of Susan's Place. ::) But it has worked for me quite a few times. You will still be who you were before, but at least you can focus your subconscious on who you are now and all the positives connected with that instead of all the negatives associated with who you were. Most therapists and psychiatrists can refer you to a good hypnotherapist. Most of them often know one or two that they trust. I truly hope this helps ya'll. ???
Quote from: mrs izzy on September 30, 2014, 02:13:44 PM
OK guys or even girls I think? Is a call for a pair of open arms for a pair of open arms
Any takers.
Don't hold your breathe Izzy! I am an almost
49 year old trans woman. That is two strikes already! ::) Not exactly bring home to Momma type to say the least! I will be OK. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 30, 2014, 02:21:36 PM
Don't hold your breathe Izzy! I am an almost 49 year old trans woman. That is two strikes already! ::) Not exactly bring home to Momma type to say the least! I will be OK. :)
Age is just a number. :)
And I can't be the only person in the world to see you as a woman first, and trans as a far distant second. There's someone out there for you, Jess. Trust me.
It's OK. I knew when I started to transition a relationship would go in the losses category. I knew it coming in, but thought I was better prepared for the loss. I will find a way though, um, Save the Whales! See, I moved on already! ;D
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 30, 2014, 02:21:36 PM
Don't hold your breathe Izzy! I am an almost 49 year old trans woman. That is two strikes already! ::) Not exactly bring home to Momma type to say the least! I will be OK. :)
OK sis. I am definitely gonna' have to call you on that one. 40 is the new twenty, don't you watch any Television? So that would make you like a 29 year old when we were younger. Not exactly a spring chicken but not a stewing hen either. I know I am almost 47, AMIIGAF? Transwoman? How about just a woman. Sure a woman with a little extra, but there are plenty of guys out there but you just got to have the confidence and a lot look at us like just normal women. Well not normal from what I've been told but women nonetheless. I have been told many times that we don't do near the nagging of cis women. And for 3-5 days a month we don't just scare the crap out of them or confuse them all the time. And we are about the age of when men have been there done that and a lot in our age group are just looking for women that can make them happy.
That is negative thinking Hon. Think positive. Mr. Right may not be a Brad Pitt, but I ain't no Angelina Jolie either. Maybe a More like Julia Roberts ::) or Lita Ford. Yeah Lita fits me a little better. ;D
But above all you have to think positive and be confident.
Quote from: Jess42 on September 30, 2014, 02:48:31 PM
And for 3-5 days a month we don't just scare the crap out of them or confuse them all the time.
LMAO!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I am positive by the way. Positive it will never happen and Confident it will , um, never happen! ;)
Watch TV? I am much too busy here all the time. ;D
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 30, 2014, 02:54:24 PM
LMAO!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I am positive by the way. Positive it will never happen and Confident it will , um, never happen! ;)
Watch TV? I am much too busy here all the time. ;D
UH, I really hate to tell you but that isn't really positive. It is definitely positively negative. Look, If I can find love interests in my life anyone can. Not really looks so much as just an intimidating personality in real life. ??? Not intimidating in a bad way but more like a wild way? Maybe? I mean when guys try to flirt with me it's kind of pathetic and a little tame? I really don't know how to describe it but the whole deal with the pickup lines is what is pathetic. ::) And usually I am the Queen of Innuendos. If the guy is really cute and I think he may be out of my league then I kind of act a little shy, but if I think we are a good match, watch out because the wild woman is coming out.
Watch some TV. The older I get the more I stay in my twenties. When I was twenty it was "twentysomething". When I was in my 30s well the 30's was the new 20's, now I am in my forties, well the 40s is now the new 20s. When I die at 82 I am still only gonna' be 22 or it seems anyway. ;) You really need to work on that self confidence. I mean, My god, look at your before and after picture that you posted. That dude is gone. You are here now and the psyche is a funny thing but we are not ever the same person from day to day. Everyday we are or can be someone different and new. As a matter of fact who I was when I started writing this post is not even the same woman that is finishing it. The past is the past. We really can't control that. The future is our destiny and we have to make that what we want to make it right now in the present. Does any of that make sense? Like I said, the Susan's Place resident Crazy Chick, that's me. ;D
Quote from: Sephirah on September 30, 2014, 12:01:56 PM
Sounds to me like you lost your sense of purpose, hon.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 30, 2014, 02:09:52 PM
I think I found it! I think I am mourning the loss of my career.
Forgive me if I am misunderstanding. What I see here (and I do think Sephirah nailed it) is that you miss your raison d'etre. You can't work (even part time) because you will lose your benefits. Are you allowed to volunteer? It's not exactly as intense as carrying a broken person down a ladder out of a destroyed building while performing CPR, but can you be a volunteer at a local hospital? Can you volunteer at community events to teach basic first responder stuff? Can you be a Scout leader?
About the other stuff... I'm voting with Sephirah again, Jess ;) Bien sur! Il y a quelqu'un pour toi, ma belle.
(((hugz)))
-ellie
Hi Jessica. Glad you've put your finger on it. You spent all those years helping people, but you know what? You may not have the same hardware, but you're still doing it here. I've seen you kick some major butt sending people in the right direction and fighting the good fight.
Maybe take up the guitar when you can drag yourself off the computer? ;D
losing that kind of job sounds terrible. i hope it's at least a slight comfort, that you're saving lives here now. and not being allowed to work when you're that young... i think i can understand why you'd feel like something's missing. my step father still works at over 70 despite all kinds of health problems, because he has no idea what else he'd do to fill his days. rotting aeay in a chair doesn't sound like much fun.
i'm wondering a little about why you'd think under 50 is old. i always thought mature women were attractive...?
We're not old, we're well-seasoned. ;)
Quote from: Jill F on October 01, 2014, 12:06:41 AM
Hi Jessica. Glad you've put your finger on it. You spent all those years helping people, but you know what? You may not have the same hardware, but you're still doing it here. I've seen you kick some major butt sending people in the right direction and fighting the good fight.
^^^^^^^^
This!
Quote from: Jill F on October 01, 2014, 12:06:41 AM
Maybe take up the guitar when you can drag yourself off the computer? ;D
G C D are your friends :)