I should be happy, but.......

[Taka]

"other issues" can be just as bad, or even worse than gender dysphoria. kind of depends on how bad your gender dysphoria is, compared to your other issues... there are cis people who have a terrible enough past that they become suicidal, and some even have troubles bad enough that they'd rather change sex or pretend a different sexuality, than face their issues.

some things will haunt you even after transition. i mught be finding a way to transition soon. at least i hope i will. what's keeping me together, is dealing with other issues that were keepung me mych unhappier than gender and body dysphoria alone could do. or maybe this is just the way i experiwnce it because those other issues were so hard for me to deal with. the relief is great.

[Sephirah]

Sounds to me like you lost your sense of purpose, hon.

Having a goal, having something to strive for, to give one a sense of accomplishment and bettering themselves... it drives us all to a greater or lesser extent. For someone at the start of transition, transition itself can be the purpose. The driving force. But when everything's going smoothly, when everything's under control... what then?

That's the question you have to answer... you need to find purpose. Something to reach for.

[Eva Marie]

Now that I'm a couple of weeks into living full time as a woman and life is settling into more of a routine I can see what you are talking about Jessica. I don't feel like a woman, and I'm not quite sure where I go in life from this point - I still just feel like me, doing a lot of the same things that I used to do. What does feeling like a woman feel like anyway? I have no clue.

I think that once you've dealt with the demons you've had all of your life and work free of them you are in uncharted, unfamiliar territory without any references from your old life to guide you. At least that's where I'm finding myself now.

Assuming that you are not suffering from lingering dysphoria I'd say that Sephirah nailed it - you've got a new life and you don't know what your purpose is yet. I'd also hazard a guess that you aren't being fed spiritually right now.

It takes time to grow into the new you. Try to feed your spiritual side and I think that answers to these questions will begin to happen.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi everyone!

I think I found it! I think I am mourning the loss of my career. It was a major part of my life and through it a way to keep Dysphoria at bay. I mean I have a fairly good spirituality and I sometimes amaze myself with my femininity. Things are going well in Therapy, but I have never gotten over HOW my career ended. I mean I just showed up one day, climbed on the rig and never thought it was going to be the last day. I think the recent bout of PTSD reminded me in some way of what I am missing. The events of that day are horrifying and I hate them, but on the other hand it makes me dig out the scrapbooks and look at all I did. When I do that is when this feeling of incompleteness comes over me. It was a huge chunk of my life and I did things most people will never, ever have the chance to do and I miss it. The bad thing is I was ruled 100% disabled as a result of being injured in the line and cannot even work a small job or lose my benefits. Maybe it would help to have some big strong guy shoulders to lean on when I look back and can then smile. I would like to find out as I have always had to be the strong one in a relationship. I am not saying I will get into one just to CURE this feeling, but if I met the right one, who knows? I am so satisfied otherwise with my transition and all that goes along with it. 

Just to prove I am feeling a little better -*GIGGLES* See, all better now! 

[mrs izzy]

Hi everyone!

I think I found it! I think I am mourning the loss of my career. It was a major part of my life and through it a way to keep Dysphoria at bay. I mean I have a fairly good spirituality and I sometimes amaze myself with my femininity. Things are going well in Therapy, but I have never gotten over HOW my career ended. I mean I just showed up one day, climbed on the rig and never thought it was going to be the last day. I think the recent bout of PTSD reminded me in some way of what I am missing. The events of that day are horrifying and I hate them, but on the other hand it makes me dig out the scrapbooks and look at all I did. When I do that is when this feeling of incompleteness comes over me. It was a huge chunk of my life and I did things most people will never, ever have the chance to do and I miss it. The bad thing is I was ruled 100% disabled as a result of being injured in the line and cannot even work a small job or lose my benefits. Maybe it would help to have some big strong guy shoulders to lean on when I look back and can then smile. I would like to find out as I have always had to be the strong one in a relationship. I am not saying I will get into one just to CURE this feeling, but if I met the right one, who knows? I am so satisfied otherwise with my transition and all that goes along with it. 

Just to prove I am feeling a little better -*GIGGLES* See, all better now! 

OK guys or even girls I think? Is a call for a pair of open arms for a pair of open arms

Any takers.

[Jess42]

Ok so this may sound totally off the wall, but ya'll know me and that's pretty much where I stay. If its not just what I mentioned earlier and there feels like an element of femininity missing, has anyone ever though of hypnotherapy to kind of maybe plant a posthypnotic suggestion that will overcome the past baggage? I know it is fairly pricey, more so than regular therapy and may take several sessions to fully get deep enough to overcome the negatives of the past. It will not wipe out who you were but it can change the way you look at yourself and feel about yourself now and instill a more full emersion in femininity. I mean if it can help with over eating and smoking cessation, it may be able to help with this little problem. Or you can look into self hypnosis. I practice this all the time. Make a recording of yourself just over and over saying who you are now, who you want to be, what you want the end outcome to be and then loop it and play it at a low volume when you got to sleep. When the brain starts going naturally into different waves while falling asleep then it very well may instill what you want in your sub conscious mind. Also when you are falling asleep just say what you want to feel over and over again in your mind, even without a recording this works pretty well. Sleep is a natural sort of hypnosis until you fall really deep into it. It does work even as crazy as it sounds. Research ways in which to do it.

All this brought to you by the resident Crazy Chick of Susan's Place. But it has worked for me quite a few times. You will still be who you were before, but at least you can focus your subconscious on who you are now and all the positives connected with that instead of all the negatives associated with who you were. Most therapists and psychiatrists can refer you to a good hypnotherapist. Most of them often know one or two that they trust. I truly hope this helps ya'll.

[Jessica Merriman]

OK guys or even girls I think? Is a call for a pair of open arms for a pair of open arms

Any takers.

Don't hold your breathe Izzy! I am an almost 49 year old trans woman. That is two strikes already!  Not exactly bring home to Momma type to say the least! I will be OK. 

[Sephirah]

Don't hold your breathe Izzy! I am an almost 49 year old trans woman. That is two strikes already!  Not exactly bring home to Momma type to say the least! I will be OK. 

Age is just a number.

And I can't be the only person in the world to see you as a woman first, and trans as a far distant second. There's someone out there for you, Jess. Trust me.

[Jessica Merriman]

It's OK. I knew when I started to transition a relationship would go in the losses category. I knew it coming in, but thought I was better prepared for the loss. I will find a way though, um, Save the Whales! See, I moved on already! 

[Jess42]

Don't hold your breathe Izzy! I am an almost 49 year old trans woman. That is two strikes already!  Not exactly bring home to Momma type to say the least! I will be OK. 

OK sis. I am definitely gonna' have to call you on that one. 40 is the new twenty, don't you watch any Television? So that would make you like a 29 year old when we were younger. Not exactly a spring chicken but not a stewing hen either. I know I am almost 47, AMIIGAF? Transwoman? How about just a woman. Sure a woman with a little extra, but there are plenty of guys out there but you just got to have the confidence and a lot look at us like just normal women. Well not normal from what I've been told but women nonetheless. I have been told many times that we don't do near the nagging of cis women. And for 3-5 days a month we don't just scare the crap out of them or confuse them all the time. And we are about the age of when men have been there done that and a lot in our age group are just looking for women that can make them happy.

That is negative thinking Hon. Think positive. Mr. Right may not be a Brad Pitt, but I ain't no Angelina Jolie either. Maybe a More like  Julia Roberts or Lita Ford. Yeah Lita fits me a little better.

But above all you have to think positive and be confident.

[Jessica Merriman]

And for 3-5 days a month we don't just scare the crap out of them or confuse them all the time.

LMAO!!!!!! 

I am positive by the way. Positive it will never happen and Confident it will , um, never happen! 

Watch TV? I am much too busy here all the time. 

[Jess42]

LMAO!!!!!! 

I am positive by the way. Positive it will never happen and Confident it will , um, never happen! 

Watch TV? I am much too busy here all the time. 

UH, I really hate to tell you but that isn't really positive. It is definitely positively negative. Look, If I can find love interests in my life anyone can. Not really looks so much as just an intimidating personality in real life. Not intimidating in a bad way but more like a wild way? Maybe? I mean when guys try to flirt with me it's kind of pathetic and a little tame? I really don't know how to describe it but the whole deal with the pickup lines is what is pathetic. And usually I am the Queen of Innuendos. If the guy is really cute and I think he may be out of my league then I kind of act a little shy, but if I think we are a good match, watch out because the wild woman is coming out.

Watch some TV. The older I get the more I stay in my twenties. When I was twenty it was "twentysomething". When I was in my 30s well the 30's was the new 20's, now I am in my forties, well the 40s is now the new 20s. When I die at 82 I am still only gonna' be 22 or it seems anyway. You really need to work on that self confidence. I mean, My god, look at your before and after picture that you posted. That dude is gone. You are here now and the psyche is a funny thing but we are not ever the same person from day to day. Everyday we are or can be someone different and new. As a matter of fact who I was when I started writing this post is not even the same woman that is finishing it. The past is the past. We really can't control that. The future is our destiny and we have to make that what we want to make it right now in the present. Does any of that make sense? Like I said, the Susan's Place resident Crazy Chick, that's me.

[EllieM]

Sounds to me like you lost your sense of purpose, hon.

I think I found it! I think I am mourning the loss of my career.

Forgive me if I am misunderstanding. What I see here (and I do think Sephirah nailed it) is that you miss your raison d'etre. You can't work (even part time) because you will lose your benefits. Are you allowed to volunteer? It's not exactly as intense as carrying a broken person down a ladder out of a destroyed building while performing CPR, but can you be a volunteer at a local hospital? Can you volunteer at community events to teach basic first responder stuff? Can you be a Scout leader?

About the other stuff... I'm voting with Sephirah again, Jess Bien sur! Il y a quelqu'un pour toi, ma belle.

(((hugz)))
-ellie

[Jill F]

Hi Jessica.  Glad you've put your finger on it.   You spent all those years helping people, but you know what?  You may not have the same hardware, but you're still doing it here.  I've seen you kick some major butt sending people in the right direction and fighting the good fight.

Maybe take up the guitar when you can drag yourself off the computer? 

[Taka]

losing that kind of job sounds terrible. i hope it's at least a slight comfort, that you're saving lives here now. and not being allowed to work when you're that young... i think i can understand why you'd feel like something's missing. my step father still works at over 70 despite all kinds of health problems, because he has no idea what else he'd do to fill his days. rotting aeay in a chair doesn't sound like much fun.

i'm wondering a little about why you'd think under 50 is old. i always thought mature women were attractive...?

[Jill F]

We're not old, we're well-seasoned. 

[EllieM]

Hi Jessica.  Glad you've put your finger on it.   You spent all those years helping people, but you know what?  You may not have the same hardware, but you're still doing it here.  I've seen you kick some major butt sending people in the right direction and fighting the good fight.

^^^^^^^^
   This!

Maybe take up the guitar when you can drag yourself off the computer? 

G C D are your friends