Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Sorry for the weird stuff but I really need help.


I am a 25 year old male. Some of my earliest memories are of wanting to put on girls clothes. I remember being maybe 4 and playing with the 'dressing up' box as we called it and I remember liking wearing the princess dress that was in it. I remember taking my sisters clothes during the day and hiding them under my bed so I could secretly put them on at night. I remember one night I coloured in my nails in red pen then awoke the next day mortified and embarrassed that my Mum saw them. I went to school petrified that my classmates would also notice. I remember asking my Mum if I could go to ballet class with my sister. I remember lying in bed at night and imagining that I was able to wear the girls school uniform instead of the boys the next day. All of this was happening from the time of my earliest memories to the age of 5 or 6.
I was also having these feelings while growing up otherwise as a completely 'normal' boy. I didn't play with girls or girls toys. I loved sports and action figurines and was a pretty popular kid with the rest of the boys in my class. This trend of being 'normal' continued throughout primary school. I would still lie in bed at night sometimes and imagine what it would be like to wake up the next day as a girl. I can't really say why. I just liked it. I remember expressly thinking 'I know this can never happen and I know it is wrong but it's still fun to imagine'. I would wake up the next day perfectly happy and go to school as 'normal' boy. I still on occasion took my sisters clothes to put them on in secret but a lot less as I began to realise just how mortifying it would be if I was caught doing this.


During all this time I ALSO thought a lot about what it would be like to grow up and have a girlfriend and get married. I thought about the girls that I liked in my class and what it would be like if they were my girlfriend. I was excited to grow up to see what all that would be like.
This is where this is a little weird and I apologise but it's a pretty major part of why I don't understand who or what I am. From a really young age-maybe 6-7- I had 'sexual' dreams. These would involve girls. I was dreaming about sex before I even understood it so these would be dreams where I would sort of just hug girls and experience an orgasm (without ejaculation) during sleep. I would later learn that these orgasms were a lot more intense and pleasurable than anything I would experience for real later in life. Again this is really weird sorry- when I got older and learned exactly how sex worked I also realised that in these 'hugs' I had been more imagining the female side of having sex. I would say these dreams stopped around 12-13 years. As I got older and my friends started to talk about masturbating I was very aware that I wasn't doing it. I tried doing it but I couldn't. At the same time I was attracted to girls. I had girlfriends and I liked kissing them/being with them. All of this without having any sexual experiences and still without masturbating. I would still sometimes lie in bed at night and wish I would wake up as a girl the next day. But I also liked the life I had so I was able to put these feelings aside in the morning. They didn't really seem like a problem to me. I knew it was really weird but I also knew I wanted to continue being who I was at the time, which was a pretty good looking, athletic, popular, guy in my year.


I was genuinely happy. I read so many people saying that they always felt like something was wrong. I didn't have that feeling as a teenager. I had so much good stuff going for me. I was popular with the girls, I had a great bunch of guy friends that I'd known since childhood, I was excelling at sport and had a real desire and passion for it, not only as a hobby but something I wanted to pursue as a career. I had always been a very shy person but I wasn't lacking in self-esteem in any way. My friends knew who I was and through being successful at sport and also doing well academically I was pretty well respected and popular at school. I never really felt like I didn't 'fit in' as one of the guys. I knew I came from a different type of family than most of them. My Mum and Dad are both very sensitive caring people. Neither really have stereotypical 'masculine' characterstics. I love my Dad because he's given me everything I could have asked for in life but I knew I didn't see him as the type of father figure that I would see at my friends houses at the weekend or at sports games. He wasn't that kind of 'macho' figure for me and I don't regard him as friend in the sense that I saw my friends did their Dads growing up. My Mum was really who I got along with. She couldn't be a better Mum but she wasn't and still  isn't really aware of the type of more 'masculine' characteristics (total stereotype I know) that are expected of guys who had the sort of life and friends that I had away from home. So without realising it she would encourage me to talk about my feelings and be more sensitive and emotional than I knew I really wanted to be. I knew I was having conversations at home that I would be mortified if my friends could hear. But I never felt like I didn't 'fit in' as a guy. If anything I appreciated having that different influence at home because it gave me a more open-minded and generally more intelligent outlook on life amongst my group of friends.


Ok so sorry back to the weird stuff. Throughout my teenage years I was attracted to girls and never thought anything different. But as I went through puberty and experienced my first sexual dream- (with ejaculation) it was a dream where I was a girl. It didn't involve sex in any way it was just a dream where I was a girl and that was enough to make me orgasm. Again I was aware that it was abnormal but I didn't see it as a problem and didn't question my sexuality. At around 13 I came across an article about a transgender girl in one of my sister's magazines. The idea completely fascinated me. I couldn't believe you could actually physically change from a man to a woman. This is the tricky part for me to understand. It excited me sexually too. From that point on whenever I noticed a programme on TV or an article or whatever about transgender people I would always watch it or read it secretly and shamefully. At the same time I was still dating girls. When I hit 17 and I still hadn't been able to masturbate my anxiety about it was massive. Knowing the 'excitement' I felt about the idea of being able to change into a woman, and being completely desperate to catch up with everyone else, I looked online at some transgender porn, and I was able to do it. I didn't imagine being with the women I looked at I just looked at them and I was able to ejaculate. Once again I was able to put the fact that I'd used transgender porn completely to one side because I was just so relieved that I was able to do it. It was like checking it worked first before worrying about how it worked. In the next month or so I realised I could ejaculate when I imagined that I was a woman. Still I was so relieved it was happening that I didn't see it as a problem. I thought once I started having real sexual experiences it wouldn't matter what I masturbated to. So when I started dating my first serious high school girlfriend at 17 obviously sex was potentially going to happen. It was that time when all my friends were starting to have sex if they hadn't already. I stopped masturbating because I knew it was weird and I couldn't handle the shame of doing it and then hanging out with my girlfriend. Throughout this whole time I was still putting on my sisters clothes on the rare occasion I had the house to myself. Looking back I have no idea how I could handle the shame of it but like I said I was somehow able to put these feeling aside. It didn't matter because I knew wanted to be with my girlfriend. I was turned on by kissing her and messing about with her without actually doing anything proper. But when the time came to have sex with her I couldn't do it (as in things down there didn't work at the crucial moment). I'm sure you can imagine it was a completely horrifying experience. I still don't really know why and this is the question I'm still trying to answer. My best understanding is that sex just wasn't in any way the experience that I had always imagined it to be. I had had these dreams from an unusually young age where it felt very different. I obviously didn't explain that to her and we broke up two months later.


From the ages of 18-21 I continued to masturbate to the idea of being a woman. I had continued to have dreams where I was a woman throughout my teens and then started to have dreams where I was a woman having sex with a man. I then started to masturbate to the idea of having sex with a man as a woman. When I imagined myself as a woman I found men attractive, but if my head wasn't in that place, I didn't at all. At the same time I still felt attracted to women in the same way I had done during high school but I was increasingly feeling like something was wrong. On one other occasion when I was 20 spent the night with a girl but the same thing happened and from then on the feeling that something was wrong became huge. I can't explain it. I would kiss girls out in clubs or go on dates with them but when the time came when things looked like they were going to go further I just couldn't do it. I would get this sickening feeling in my gut and I would remove myself from the situation altogether. It was like suddenly there was a brick wall right in front of my face suffocating me and I had to remove myself from the situation completely. I do not understand it at all. Maybe it was the for the same unknown reasons that I hadn't been able to have sex previously or maybe it was BECAUSE of the fact that I hadn't been able to previously. I don't know.


Ok so there's one other uniquely weird aspect to my story and again I apologies for the lewd details. By the time I was 21 I had probably developed an addiction to masturbation. I couldn't go more than 2-3 days without doing it. Generally I would do it every day and sometimes on up to 5 occasions in a single day. Every time I would imagine myself as a woman or imagine being a woman having sex with a man. I have never been able to ejaculate to the idea of sex with a woman as a man. I still have dreams where I am a woman. The only thing that has changed from when I was 18-21 and the last four years up until now is that I make an active attempt to stop feeling this way and to stop masturbating. However if I do manage to avoid it for more than a week I invariably will have a dream where I am a woman and then I wake up with all the same shame that I had been trying to get rid of. There is a complete hopelessness to it also because it happens when I'm dreaming. I make a determined effort to stop something then I fall asleep and my subconscious does it anyway. I have completely stopped going after girls in any way so I don't know if I would still feel attracted to them in the same way that I did when I was younger. I do know that now whenever I see an attractive girl my main thought is- 'I wish I looked like that'.


It might be easy to say most of what I have said so far is related to sexuality rather than gender, and maybe it is my sexuality that is the thing I need to figure out. Maybe I just have a totally messed up one. But this would leave out the unexplainable feeling I have to want to be a girl. There is definitely a sexual component to that desire, but it doesn't explain the feeling I have when I see a girl with nice hair, or wearing nice shoes, or clothes, or even seeing a girl with a cool personality on TV or something and thinking-'I wish I was like that'. When I think about the possibility of becoming a woman it's like butterflies in my stomach which sometimes turns into sexual arousal but sometimes does not. I'm at the point today where I am constantly pondering the question of whether I am transgender. I look at my own body in the mirror to try and imagine what it would look like female, I look at pictures of HRT changes and FFS to see what might be possible and I watch videos on Youtube to try and find a story that explains my situation.


I try to logically think it through to find the answer. A lot has changed for me in the last 5 years or so. I have been unable to deal with these issues and have become increasingly unhappy. The things that I cared about as a teenager are gone. I got a leg injury when I was 18 and two operations and two years later I couldn't get back to the level of athleticism I had previously. Sport as a career was gone and sport as hobby has become a depressing struggle. My looks have changed a bit- my hair started to fall out really young and while it's still hanging in there I don't like how I look anymore. I more or less hate everything about myself. The way I look, the things I've done, the way I think, the person I am really. I try to think 'would I be happy if I were a woman'? Maybe I am just depressed at the way my life has gone? I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe that all the things that I hate about my personality I wouldn't hate if I were I woman. I hate that I'm really insecure about my looks and I hide it from my friends. I hate that I know I'm a lot more in touch with my emotions and I hide it from my friends. I hate that I'm indecisive and I hate that I worry about the smallest things and I hide these traits as much as I can. Would I still hate these traits if I were a woman? Probably but I don't think I'd feel as shameful about them as much as I do. I wouldn't say I identify more with girls but I definitely look at the way they interact with each other and think, that would be much easier for me. I do feel like I'm different when I'm hanging around with large groups of guys at a party or in the locker room. Mainly because I don't feel like I have nearly the same amount of confidence as they do but also because 50 per cent of the conversation is stories about girls. Every time this happens I feel such complete shame that I just want to take a gun to my head. But I genuinely didn't feel that way when I was younger so maybe it's just something that has been created because of the way things have gone for me. I don't know.


I genuinely don't know if I'm transgender. I would say yes because I have an unexplainable desire to want to be a woman. But the sexual aspect completely confuses things for me and I haven't heard one transgender person who also had that aspect to their story. Anyone who has bothered to read all of this I really appreciate it. I really need help. I don't think about killing myself but I think about the idea of suicide a lot. A lot of the time it seems like the only logical outcome to the way I feel about myself. If my family weren't around I dunno I'd definitely think about doing it a lot more. I'm at the point where something has to give.


So after reading my story my question is this.......do you think I'm transgender?
Simple question ;)

Welcome orangejuice to Susan's family.

Wow. In all that I did not see anything about seeing a gender therapist. That's where I would start. You as all here need that help.

Again welcome to the forum.

Hi orangejuice :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Sweetie would it surprise you to know your story is so familiar to us? Well, it is. I identify with a lot you said and have had some of the same feelings and experiences. Relax, because we understand you and you are very welcome here. You will not be judged and hopefully we can help you somehow. I have to second everyone else though about getting a good Therapist preferably with gender experience. I did and they have helped immensely. I personally believe beyond a shadow of a doubt you are trans. Please explore it though and find out all there is to know before committing to transition. It is a long hard and sometimes lonely road to take. There will be ups an downs all throughout the process. That is why you need people in your corner. You have started out great by sharing your story and joining us here. It is a big step and we will do all we can to help you.  :)

Hi orangejuice! Welcome to Susan's. Thanks for sharing your story. Are you trans? Based on what you have provided by way of info I'd say it is certainly a possibility. Like the others have suggested above, seeing a counsellor would be a good way to get to the nub of your feelings and what, if anything, you might like to do next.

Oh boy, oh boy. Let me first start by saying you should see a therapist that specializes in gender issues. It will be your best bet to sort all of this out.

Now... Let's begin to dissect this story. For the record, I'm 28, mtf and recently came out and going to start hormones in the coming months.

Being incapable to have sex the first time isn't a sign of your sexual orientation. It's normally a sign of stress, pressure, and possible anxiety. It's very difficult to perform the first time for a lot of guys and usually takes time. For me, it could take me a few hours before I was "ready to go" with a girl, or sometimes a few nights of "oral play" before I was able to perform. If I was with a girl for a while, it usually became increasingly easier to perform because a lot of the stress of "having to perform" was gone.

Chronic masturbation is a sign of anxiety. I've had it even worse than you did/do. They say 5x a day is bad, and 5x a day was usually a slow day for me. It's a sign of anxiety and that could be connected to your desire to transition. For me, it was. I looked at A LOT of transsexual porn and always imagined myself as a woman. I used to have a real addiction to photoshopping my face onto women's bodies and used that as material to get off. The first time I experienced an orgasm and ejaculation I was 11 and wearing womens clothes, imagining myself as a woman.

I can't diagnose you, but I would say (based on what you've said) that you're highly likely transgender. I can't tell you what steps you need to take because my road hasn't been the easiest for me and my family so far. Those are bridges we all have to cross.

However, ever since I came out and identified myself as a transsexual, started therapy, went to support groups, and done small steps to become more feminine until I can start hrt (like using feminine hygiene products, shaving my legs, wearing clothes under my male clothes, etc), I've felt more "right". I don't know how to explain it, but this may help: Ever since I've started doing all this I never feel the need to masturbate. That might sound silly to some, but to me it is a real sign that I'm becoming happier with this process. Based on your story, you may understand that.

Btw, suicide is never the answer, but I (and many others) understand that. I still have been dealing with those thoughts.

I hope some of this helps and I hope you're able to figure yourself out too! We can give you our thoughts, but only you will know what your true identity is. Good luck!

orangejuice,

Your story has many similarities with my own so don't think your experiences are unique.  One difference is that my time of self-examination was when I was 55, not 25.  The advantage you have is you can follow your path at a younger age in a more accepting climate.  This can greatly help your feminization and socialization efforts should you so choose.

Based on what you have said you are probably trans, but a good therapist can help you sort it out and help you feel good about your decision.

BTW, a very well written and concise history.  From it it seems you have already come to many conclusions already.

Best wishes.

Jen

let's try to rephrase your question a little bit and throw it back to you...
do you think that you are transgender?

if you are here looking for answers or hoping to get an answer confirming your own suspicion,
then you most likely are transgender.

i'm not saying this is for certain though. just that it is highly likely.
pretty much everyone who asks the question "am i transgender?", ask it because they are.

but as others have recommended, so will i. see a gender therapist.
the therapist can't tell you for sure whether or not you are transgender,
this is knowledge that only you have.
but they can help you sort out your confusions and insecurities,
and help you find the answer hidden inside.

there are also many ways to be transgender, and not all will transition the same way or at all.
a good gender therapist would also be able to help you sort out whether or how you want to change.

and just one more little thing. or question actually.
imagine the sexiest most athletic woman ever. definitely more athletic than most guys.
if you could magically get a whole body makeover to get back your athletic ability, any changes possible, with no social consequences at all,
would you choose a perfect version of your old body, or that woman's body?

Ok, I didn't look over any of the replies, so I'm just replying to the OP.

I must say, I am astonished to the parallels between your story and my own, aside from a few differences. I did not have early feelings for one. Let me go through your post, and I'll help you out (but it is still up to you).

First, I did not have a sister growing up, nor any female cousins I was close enough to that I "borrowed" their clothing. However, when I was a teenager, I took my mother's clothing after school.

As per playing with toys and stuff, I did not try to play with girls things. I was a "typical" boy growing up, I had mostly female friends though.

I did not have dreams about sex, especially not as a woman. However, while masturbating, I did pretend I was the girl, and that did help me, ahem, finish. Otherwise, it was a lot of effort. I continued through high school and college wishing I'd just wake up as a girl. I used female usernames on chat sites, and pretended I was a girl.

As per the sexual side you are confused about, I too have the desire to be a woman (I am a tshirt and jeans kinda person when I have to present male, but I actually enjoy exploring options and getting dressed, and I take the time to get dressed when presenting as female). I would, in my opinion, describe myself as "different." Though I desire the female aspect of sex (being on bottom, penetration) I am still ok with being top as well. So, if the sexual aspect is confusing for you, you aren't the only one. Also, I too love women, and don't desire to be with a man.

Anyway, I hope that helps. If you have any other questions or want to talk, I would be glad to. It's always nice to find people with similar stories to your own. Btw, I'm almost 29, so keep your head up, because things can get better. I'll be transitioning soon, just not sure exactly when.

Thanks a lot for the replies I really appreciate it. Many of you recommended seeing a therapist and I think I'm going to have to do that. I had more or less decided yesterday for the first time that I'm not going to be able to beat these feelings by myself without telling somebody, hence why I decided to share and look for advice on here. I have actually been seeing a therapist about anxiety and depression but the whole time knowing it's pretty much pointless unless I'm able to talk about all this, which I haven't been able to bring myself to do. It's really hard for me to say this stuff out loud. I think I would probably have to write it down and let a therapist read it. But yeah thanks again for the replies they all helped.

Taka- that is a question I ask myself all the time. When I was a teenager it was like I had these feelings where I wanted to be a girl, but I wanted to pursue my passion for sport more so it wasn't my primary concern. I do wonder if things had gone differently for me if I would be thinking the same way I do now. If I hadn't got injured and had been able to achieve what I wanted to would these feelings have come to the forefront of my mind? Would they be at the forefront of my mind if things had gone differently for me in my late teens regarding sex? Although I have other theories, I can't rule out that the problems I faced there weren't to do with anxiety of the situation which grew exponentially after my first few experiences. I'm certain I would still have the 'I wish I was a girl feeling' sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, but if I was otherwise able to do everything a normal straight guy does then would I care? I didn't when I was a teenager. BUT then again a part of the reason I was able to put those feelings aside when I was younger was because I never for a second thought they would last forever. Maybe I'd be happy now but wake up one day later in life and have it all come to the surface, which I'm terrified of to be honest. I'm terrified of not ever being able to understand these feelings.

To answer your question, I would choose the female body. I have no idea why. I often try to tell myself that if I was offered the choice of two pills-one that would make me female and one that would make me not have these feelings, I would choose the latter-but I know that would be a lie. 

When I look back at my life I can actually rationalize a lot of it and think, ok I might not be transgender. I can see how my brain formed different connections to which my thinking and also my body responded. I then think why couldn't I challenge those connections now and form new ones? But ultimately I can't explain where the desire comes from to take the first pill or choose the female body in your question. I'm still trying to understand where that comes from. It doesn't feel like my head. I don't know where it comes from.

Do you think it is possible to answer the question-'Here is a pill that will instantly and irreversibly change your gender, do you want to take it?'-with 'yes' and NOT be transgender?

Abby Claire,

It definitely feels good to hear someone who has experienced the same feelings. I have a massive amount of shame about it but I've often thought about doing the photo shop thing and sort of tried it once. It seems from what you have said that you are making the right decision if you don't feel the need to anymore. Feel free to not answer because its obviously really personal thing but- how did you know you are actually transgender rather than just being sexually attracted to the idea? before you took the steps that you have?

That is basically the question I'm struggling with and I literally come to a different conclusion every time I try to think it all out.

And another question if anyone has any thoughts I'd really appreciate it.....

Sometimes a conclusion I come to is that for whatever reason I've just turned out to be really superficial person. The way I look means A LOT to me. I want to be good looking. Like most people do. But on my list of what 'looks good' an attractive girl places higher than an attractive boy. That doesn't mean I'm miserable at being a guy, if I think I look good enough, which I did when I was a teenager. This would explain why I was able to have these feelings but also be totally happy. But now I have a lot of self-esteem issues with the way I look-I've changed quite a bit as a result of my hair thinning and receding. Now I every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a photo I literally feel my heart drop inside me and I can be completely depressed for days.

So when I think about acting on this unexplainable desire that I have, I think it would only make me happy if I was a 100 per cent passable woman. I wouldn't necessarily have to be good looking but passable, and not ugly, which for me would be more or less an impossibility. Do you think if this conclusion is correct then this means that I'm not really transgender?

Quote from: orangejuice on October 03, 2014, 08:09:59 PM
how did you know you are actually transgender rather than just being sexually attracted to the idea? before you took the steps that you have?

That is basically the question I'm struggling with and I literally come to a different conclusion every time I try to think it all out.

And another question if anyone has any thoughts I'd really appreciate it.....

Sometimes a conclusion I come to is that for whatever reason I've just turned out to be really superficial person. The way I look means A LOT to me. I want to be good looking. Like most people do. But on my list of what 'looks good' an attractive girl places higher than an attractive boy. That doesn't mean I'm miserable at being a guy, if I think I look good enough, which I did when I was a teenager. This would explain why I was able to have these feelings but also be totally happy. But now I have a lot of self-esteem issues with the way I look-I've changed quite a bit as a result of my hair thinning and receding. Now I every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a photo I literally feel my heart drop inside me and I can be completely depressed for days.

So when I think about acting on this unexplainable desire that I have, I think it would only make me happy if I was a 100 per cent passable woman. I wouldn't necessarily have to be good looking but passable, and not ugly, which for me would be more or less an impossibility. Do you think if this conclusion is correct then this means that I'm not really transgender?

I still struggle with the question of being transgender, but for me it was really that if I had a choice before birth, would I change my gender? The answer is always yes. I just asked myself a lot of hypothetical situations where the options were either stay as I am or change my gender and I almost always choose to change. I kind of knew it was right for me after going to therapy and group and talking to other transsexuals. It's a lot less terrifying when you see others going through it, and when that fear goes away you become a bit more accepting to the idea of transitioning.

And I completely understand the attractive girl better than attractive boy thing. In my mind, I find the female form to be the most beautiful thing in the world, so I don't get why transitioning to female isn't as common lol. I think you'll see that what you find as 100% passable or good looking now may change if you do transition. Sometimes you just feel more attractive when you're doing the things that you find beautiful (hair, makeup, clothes).

And I definitely get the hair thing. I noticed my hair was thinning a couple months ago and after spending a week panicking, thinking time was running out, I finally mustered up the courage to call a therapist to figure this all out. So definitely think about seeing a gender therapist and find a support group who can help you figure out what you want to do.

there is a tiny part of the brain, so well hidden between everything else that it can't be studied while a person is alive, which controls gender. this part of the brain is fully developed very early in a person's life, and no matter how many new connections you create in your brain, you can't overwrite what this tiny little control center tells me.

while a person is still young, succeeding in growing up, is a main priority, biologically programmed in your brain. this oftwn means conforming to one's caretakers' ideas, conforming to one's peer group. thinking differently and expressing it can be difficult, and often won't even feel necessary. after a person has succeeded in growing up, all the conforming becomes less important to survival, and all hidden aspect of one's personality, gender feelungs, other personal things that make you different from others, will surface much more strongly in your mind.

you become more and more like yourself, and less like what others seem to expect, as you grow older. if your gender does not conform with your body, this feeling can only grow stronger. what seemed bearable in youth, easy to suppress or hode, will become that one thing which clouds all happiness, makes you unable to be yourself. all the older transgender people here say it only ever grows stronger.

i will advice you to take your feelings seriously. seriously enough to do wjat it takes to find out if thwy are true or result of something else. but don't try to convince yourself either way, be honest with yourself, anything else will only prolong your suffering. a good therapist can offer you help with being honest, a safe setting where you can discuss with yourself all those matters whoch scare you so much you can't dare to speak them out loud.

being perfect as someone who isn't you won't necessarily give you happiness. i'd rather be the imperfect me than pretend to be someone else. pretending and lying to others and oneself can easily make fears much stronger, and can lead to heavy depression and social anxiety. what if someone finds out i'm not who i pretend to be, will they still accept me...?

Welcome to Susan's orangejuice! :)  Holy crap hun, that first post is an essay worthy of one of my own posts! :D <3

Well hunni, as the others have said, your story doesn't sound at all strange to us.  Many (perhaps even most?) of us have had the same or similar experiences in one form or another.  Definitely put this to a gender therapist and see what they say (hell, save yourself some energy and just print out what you've already written here and show it to them ;) ).  I'll try and answer the main questions you seem to be having, but remember this is just my opinion.  I'm not a gender expert by any stretch of the imagination so I could be wrong, but here are my thoughts anyway:

"Am I transgendered?"
From what you've described there hun, I'd personally say a big fat "yes"! :D  As I've been realising myself recently, cis-gendered people (i.e. "normal / non-trans* people") never question their gender.  They "just *know*" what their gender is, so why would they even think to ask questions about it?  At most they might ask the question for a brief, fleeting moment before laughing at the idea and shrugging it off, but they certainly don't have persistent thoughts of having a gender that doesn't align with their birth sex like trans* folk do.  From what you're describing here, it sounds like you've been having very persistent thoughts / questions about being female (or at least "not being male").  To me, that doesn't sound like someone who is certain about their gender.  That sounds like someone who is mis-aligned and is trying to align themselves with their body, largely because of social expectations ("you're born with a penis, so you have to act like a man").  As far as I can see, there seems to be little doubt that you're trans* hunni, because you're certainly not cis-gendered that's for sure lol! :D  That does lead us onto the next question though:


"Am I a girl?"
This is perhaps a slightly different question (and one that I'm honestly still trying to get an answer to for myself).  In your case I think the answer is "probably", but don't forget - contrary to popular misconception - gender isn't a binary thing.  There's many shades of grey between "male" and "female".  Maybe you're just a feminine guy, perhaps you're a tomboy type of female (that's kinda where I seem to be settling), perhaps you're androgynous (smack-bang in the middle), perhaps you're "gender-fluid" and change on a daily basis, or perhaps you're outside of the whole "male / female" spectrum as something new altogether.  You do seem to be describing a contentment on the female side of the line, which is why I say "yes", but that is something you're going to have to discover for yourself with therapy, introspection and most importantly - experimentation.  Your fantasies about being female (even the sexual ones) seem to point fairly strongly in this direction.  For the record, I imagined myself as female explicitly in my non-sexual fantasies, and indirectly in my sexual ones. I'd always imagine a woman I was attracted to having sex - not "me having sex with her" (any time I tried to do that, it'd just kill the mood completely), but just her having sex with some non-descript entity that wasn't me.  I could only get off on it when I did that.  Even when I had sex for real, I'd always focus on what she was feeling (seeing it through her eyes, essentially).  It wasn't until recently that I realised what I was doing was "being her", so when I was having sex for real, I was kinda having sex with myself in a weird sorta way..  This has been one of the major things for me that made me realise I was trans*, so yeh I know the feeling hun, don't worry about that :)  Speaking of sexuality though:


"What's my sexuality?"
Now notice I've so far not mentioned your sexuality?  That's because your physical sex (i.e. what your body is), your gender identity (what you identify with / what you feel inside that you are) and your sexuality (who / what you're attracted to) are three independent aspects to you as a person.  Your sexuality definitely seems a bit "up in the air", so let's have a look at this a little deeper.

As I mentioned above, you definitely seem more at home when you're imagining yourself as female.  You mentioned that you generally don't feel attracted to guys for the most part, but you do fantasise about being with them when you're in girl-mode.  You also mentioned how much you like trans* porn (hehe, I can relate to that - there's a lot of cute trans* girls out there <3 :P ).  So first of all, have you ever tried on a lesbian fantasy? I.e. with both her *and you* as girls?  It's quite easy - just imagine your man-bits are actually a dildo going into your own lady-parts (lol oh my, this is getting a little steamy, isn't it? #Blushing :P ).  It might be that you're attracted to girls, but because you keep imagining yourself in the wrong role, it kills the mood.  Like I said above, I find no matter how attractive a woman is to me, I simply can't do anything if I think of me being in the male role during sex (fantasy or real).  It might well be the same for you too hun :)

The "men" aspect might just be that you're not partial to genitals.  Again, this is something I can relate to myself - I personally love man-bits and lady-parts in pretty much equal measure.  I don't however find myself at all attracted to the rest of the male form, or masculine gender.  In fact I find masculinity in its extreme form actively repulsive (no offence to any of the guys here of course - you're all lovely! <3 :D).  Again, it might be a similar case for you hun.  Alternatively you might just be finding that you're bi-curious or something of a similar nature.  Alternative number 3 - you might be letting go of suppressions and pressures to "be into women because you were born male", so what you might be doing is discovering that you're actually attracted to men, and the bits in between where you don't feel anything for them might just be those suppressions kicking back in.  There's nothing wrong with being attracted to men, and you owe it to yourself to let go of your hangups and let that cute little brain of yours explore and be free during your fantasies.  That way your true sexual preferences will start to shine through :)

On the female side of it, it's possible that you're attracted to personality / relationship / connection between you more than a person's physical body.  Your description of fantasising about having an orgasm just by hugging / kissing etc is what I'm picking up on here.  A lot of cis-gendered men never understand the idea that women can climax from emotional connections rather than visual stimuli (which is what men tend to do).  What you're describing here sounds a hell of a lot like that to me, and is additional evidence that you are girl-brained hunni :)


And finally...
I'll leave it there for now because this is getting long lmao! :D  Hopefully I've been of some assistance to you hun.  Just out of curiosity, how do you feel when I say: ♥Welcome to the family, sister!♥ :D  The answer to that question would be quite telling lol :P

Just to wrap this post up, here's a couple of articles I've found lately that summarise things quite well:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/sexual-orientation-gender/gender-gender-identity (http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/sexual-orientation-gender/gender-gender-identity)
http://sites.psu.edu/evolutionofhumansexuality/2014/04/07/gender-identity-nature-vs-nurture/ (http://sites.psu.edu/evolutionofhumansexuality/2014/04/07/gender-identity-nature-vs-nurture/)

Hope I've helped hun! And remember - you're never alone! :D <3 *Hugs* <3

Abby Claire- Thanks. I'm realising that I'm probably going to have to take some steps before I understand these feelings properly. I do find it hard to imagine that a therapist or whoever can tell me something that I don't already know about myself that will suddenly make me see clearly. I still kind of hold on to the idea that I should be able to understand it by thinking it out on my own. But I'm open to the idea that I'm wrong about that.

Taka- 'there is a tiny part of the brain, so well hidden between everything else that it can't be studied while a person is alive, which controls gender'

So you mean they can open up a dead brain and identify a part that is male or female? I find all that stuff about the brain fascinating. Will definitely read up on that.

KiraD- Thanks a lot for the reply. A lot of what you said makes sense to me. Especially the last bit about having a more emotional sexuality. I've sort of always thought that about myself, but again being a guy with a bunch of guy friends, I've always felt a bit embarassed about it. Some of the other stuff you've said is potentially me but who knows. Not me lol. Thanks for the articles, the idea in the second one about gender being determined by the amount exposure to male hormones in the womb is reeeeally interesting.

I'd just like to say therapy like others have said

Orange, it may come as some comfort to you that your story didn't seem the least bit weird to me and in fact I've heard versions of it many times before. I'm over 50 and went though a lot of what you are experiencing decades ago. I can give you some good information.

People who receive sexual gratification from feeling they are the other gender are quite a common, though, sadly, misunderstood sexual minority. In fact I suspect this is the forth most common sexual condition, after heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. But just as homosexuality was once seldom understood and oppressed, this one still exists greatly in the dark.

There isn't really even a good name for it. One writer came up with the name "autogynophilia", but his concepts are fairly faulty and even using that term on this forum can cause alarms and red lights to flash. "Crossdresser" is the simple term often laid on them, but as you know it's not necessarily about dressing. It also doesn't mean you are transsexual, though (complicating things further, I'm afraid) some people who eventually decide they are TS start out with such feelings.

Your sexual self is something very much like height or race in that it's a trait that can't really be changed. We have to find a way to live with it and make the most of it. Gay people are a great example of how it's possible to be a sexual minority and find a place in society. People like you (and me) don't have an easy road map on how to go about it, though. It's not easy, but it can be done and can be quite satisfying. A good therapist may be able to help, though be warned that many of them don't have a very good fix on advising persons like us, either. In the end, you're going to have to apply your own creativity to this and find the best way live that works for you. Know in advance it will always be something of a compromise. There are number of ways you can go from here and you're the only person who will know which.

Quote from: orangejuice on October 04, 2014, 10:27:50 AM
...KiraD- Thanks a lot for the reply. A lot of what you said makes sense to me. Especially the last bit about having a more emotional sexuality. I've sort of always thought that about myself, but again being a guy with a bunch of guy friends, I've always felt a bit embarassed about it. Some of the other stuff you've said is potentially me but who knows. Not me lol. Thanks for the articles, the idea in the second one about gender being determined by the amount exposure to male hormones in the womb is reeeeally interesting.

Hay no problem hun, I'm glad something in my ramblings made sense to you lol! :D

And yeh, the effect of hormones in the womb on gender has been studied quite a bit actually, and the results come up the same every time.  This is why science says now a days that gender identity is fixed before birth, as environmental factors (contrary to old popular myth) seems to have little to no effect on a persons gender identity.

Additionally, there have been experiments involving monkeys that show the same thing (male monkeys are inherently attracted to male things like trucks and cars (it's thought because they have moving parts), and female monkeys are inherently attracted to dolls (thought to be due to mothering instincts), all in spite of the fact that they've not been raised to know that "trucks are for boys and dolls are for girls"), so if this is true then in principal it should be possible to show that the trans* condition exists in other primates, and quite possibly even other animals too.  We already know many other species exhibit homosexual behaviour (but only one species that we know of exhibits homophobic behaviour ;) ), so it'd be great if the same turns out to be true for gender dysphoria etc too :)  Of course, proving that isn't as trivial as it sounds, which is why no one has done it yet (that I know of at least).

Quote from: orangejuice on October 04, 2014, 10:27:50 AM
...
Taka- 'there is a tiny part of the brain, so well hidden between everything else that it can't be studied while a person is alive, which controls gender'

So you mean they can open up a dead brain and identify a part that is male or female? I find all that stuff about the brain fascinating. Will definitely read up on that.
...

Lol well in principal, yes.  At this point (and again - to the best of my knowledge), no one knows definitively what part(s) of the brain are actually responsible for gender identity.  Additionally, there is a branch of thought that suggests gender isn't something that has a "place" in the brain, but rather it's more about how the brain is wired up (or the "architecture" of the brain).  It's highly analogous to processor architectures - AMD and Intel may both make a 4.5gig CPU with 4 cores, and both have the same raw processing power as each other, but the two processors are put together very differently (they have different architecture), which is why they behave differently / one is better at some things than the other and vice-versa.  It may very well be the same for gender, which in a lot of ways would be good because the only time you'd get to see it is when the brain is live and in an MRI scanner (or similar).  It's not certain that that's the case though, it's just one line of thought that makes a lot of sense to me personally :)

<3

Welcome to the club, Orange.  Not just to Susan's, but also to that group of us who pretty much identify with a whole lot of things you described.

Congratulations for being so frank with us; now go do this with a good therapist!


Are you transgendered?  Maybe, but it's not so important yet to get that answer. The good news is that if you work with your therapist and are honest with yourself, you will probably find that answer.  The bad news is that you may not like what you find.  :o 

But although having an answer may give you awareness, it does not by any means predispose you to any future path.  I got my answer when I was in my 20s.  I then had 20 pretty successful years as a guy.  There were challenges, in particular having to imagine myself as a girl during sex in order to perform physically as a male (really difficult), and wishing I could wear those beautiful dresses in the expensive stores. And less than a year ago I decided that it was now time to become the person I always knew I was.  Some of us are lucky enough to be able to choose when to take the decision.  Or unlucky- it depends on how you see it.  And I can only describe the journey so far as fantastic.

As you set out on your particular journey, allow me to suggest two things:  First, be honest with yourself; it will make you a happier person.  Second, be an optimist, that way every decision you take will be the right decision.

I hope some of this makes sense...

Julia

Hi Orangejuice! Your story draws a lot of interesting parallels to mine. I have a therapist appointment in a little over a week and I'm nervous and excited at the same time. In particular you talk about your upbringing and school uniforms. I have had the same experience with dysphoria growing up. I had badly (as in really badly) wanted to go to school as a girl. It just wasn't possible for me because a. I lived in a very transphobic country (Trinidad and Tobago) b. I went to an all boys school for both primary (x2) and secondary  c. We had uniforms as well and I only had a boys' uniform. But if I could turn back the clock I would and go to school as a girl. School uniforms, how boring. Not exactly the "drag queen" image that people have of most transgendered people, eh?

I am wondering what country you are from and live in now, if you feel comfortable sharing please do. If not, I understand.

Anyway you should go talk about your situation with a therapist. My initial talk over the phone helped put my mind at ease a bit. Can't wait for the actual appointment.

Quote from: orangejuice on October 04, 2014, 10:27:50 AM
Abby Claire- Thanks. I'm realising that I'm probably going to have to take some steps before I understand these feelings properly. I do find it hard to imagine that a therapist or whoever can tell me something that I don't already know about myself that will suddenly make me see clearly. I still kind of hold on to the idea that I should be able to understand it by thinking it out on my own. But I'm open to the idea that I'm wrong about that.

I understand that. A lot of us felt that way too. That's partly why it took me so long to reach this point. No matter what you decide to do, the decision is always left up to you. No one here or anyone else can tell you what your true gender is or what you decide to do with your life. The idea of going to a therapist and group is that they're the first steps on that road. Airing your grievances will make you feel better even if you later decide that you don't wish to transition. Saying what you've said here will make you realize things differently when you're saying them out loud to someone who will be confidential. Keeping your feelings to yourself will only make things worse over time since you'll be holding the weight of what feels like a big secret. Talking here is a good start, but it won't feel like enough over time. At the very least, give group and therapy a shot. If you don't like it you don't have to go back.

And as Julia said, be honest and be optimistic. After years of holding it all in it's going to feel much better when you let it out.

Quote from: orangejuice on October 04, 2014, 10:27:50 AM
I do find it hard to imagine that a therapist or whoever can tell me something that I don't already know about myself that will suddenly make me see clearly. I still kind of hold on to the idea that I should be able to understand it by thinking it out on my own. But I'm open to the idea that I'm wrong about that.

Orange, the value of a good therapist is that they can help you find exactly this insight, and it's often there, hidden right before your eyes.

I'm not advocating therapy-for-everything, but if you find an insightful therapist, you will be amazed at what you will indeed discover about yourself. 

As much as we try to think that we can know and access all parts of our minds, we are part of our own "no trespassing" mechanism.  A good therapist will spot this and take you over the barbed wire. 

A word on therapists:  you need to find one with whom you have a vibe, someone you click with.  And who is insightful. 

Xxx
J

maybe i should have phrased that differently. there's a part of the brain that usually is different in size between females and males. in a transsexual person, that part is usually the size one would expect in the opposite sex of what their genitals would suggest. there is no evidence though, of this part actually controlling gender. though it should be suspected to be an important component.

scientists have recently managed to find the center for sexuality, and have been able to prove attraction to males (it's similar in men and women). or at least that's what it seems like. with new proof found in the future, thing may still have to be redefined. this test is possible to do on living people, and is expensive enough that i doubt employers would have any interest in sending future male employees in to be tested for homosexuality.

Quote from: Taka on October 05, 2014, 12:23:55 PM
..scientists have recently managed to find the center for sexuality, and have been able to prove attraction to males (it's similar in men and women). or at least that's what it seems like. with new proof found in the future, thing may still have to be redefined. this test is possible to do on living people, and is expensive enough that i doubt employers would have any interest in sending future male employees in to be tested for homosexuality.

I know it wasn't your intention Taka, but that last sentence conjured up a mental image of the infamous "Eugenics Program (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugenics_in_the_United_States)"  :o *shivers*

So yeh, I agree with you - let's hope tests like that don't get used against the LGBT community in negative ways.  That would be really bad.. :( ♥︎

Julia, thanks for the reply, I'm going to see if I could find someone that I might be able to talk to about this, but yea like you said I would definitely have to see what they were like first or whether they would actually be equipped to help me. Sometimes I think when you've been forced to think so deeply about how we think and act as human beings its hard to believe that you can reach that level of understanding without going through it. Especially hard where I live I think but I'm sure if I looked hard enough there's probably someone out there.

When I posted on here a few days ago it definitely felt good, but now I feel a bit stuck. My life is so far away from being compatible with these feelings. I got texts and phone calls from my coach asking if I was available to play this weekend and I just ignored them. My personal circumstances mean I've been able to become increasingly reclusive in the past few years with still maintaining the outward appearance of a social life- but I do things like ignore texts and phone calls and miss things all the time, which kills me, because now I have the reputation of being that kind of guy, which is not actually who I am. I actually put a lot of importance on things like being reliable, being a good friend and team mate when it comes to sport, so it just adds to all the shame I have about myself. Like I said I come to a different conclusion every time I try to understand myself but anytime I come to a conclusion which isn't-these are just feelings I've made up in my head and they'll go away- I literally find it hard to walk out the door. And now that I've come on here that feeling is pretty huge.

Sorry I know I'm just using this to think out loud, but you know..... 25 years.

ImagineKate, sorry I don't really feel comfortable saying that, but good luck!

Quote from: orangejuice on October 05, 2014, 03:19:49 PM
...When I posted on here a few days ago it definitely felt good, but now I feel a bit stuck. My life is so far away from being compatible with these feelings. I got texts and phone calls from my coach asking if I was available to play this weekend and I just ignored them. My personal circumstances mean I've been able to become increasingly reclusive in the past few years with still maintaining the outward appearance of a social life- but I do things like ignore texts and phone calls and miss things all the time, which kills me, because now I have the reputation of being that kind of guy, which is not actually who I am. I actually put a lot of importance on things like being reliable, being a good friend and team mate when it comes to sport, so it just adds to all the shame I have about myself. Like I said I come to a different conclusion every time I try to understand myself but anytime I come to a conclusion which isn't-these are just feelings I've made up in my head and they'll go away- I literally find it hard to walk out the door. And now that I've come on here that feeling is pretty huge.

Sorry I know I'm just using this to think out loud, but you know..... 25 years....

For what it's worth hun, I can relate to what you're saying here.  My circumstances for the past year have prevented me doing anything significant towards transition, and it's sure as hell frustrating.  I just want to get the ball rolling, I know what I need to do, I just can't do it yet.  The worst part is it's caused me to get kinda obsessive over the whole thing.  It's affecting my productivity at work, my social life, my sleep etc.  That all leads to further frustration and makes me feel kinda like I'm going backwards if anything!  >:(

On the plus side though, it has pressured me into finding every little thing that I can to let the frustration out and make at least some (if tiny / insignificant) moves towards my goals.  For example I've been discreetly playing with low levels of makeup (namely foundation, and my alternative music sensibilities mean I already have experience with eyeliner and lipstick).  I've also been experimenting with body hair removal too.  Razors didn't work out too well for me (my body went kinda bonkers when I tried it), but hair removal cream has been working out fairly well.  It's not perfect and I get a little chemical burn in some places (mostly on the top of my chest for some bizarre reason..  ???), but it's nothing a bit of Savlon can't fix, it's better than razors for me, and it at least lets me feel like I'm doing *SOMETHING*.  Obviously again I'm keeping it on the down-low.  My chest and legs are rarely ever exposed (and never exposed once summer is over), so that's where I've started.  The only part I haven't touched yet are my arms because I'm still in short-sleeved tops, but now the colder weather is coming I plan to do that soon :)

For me though, there is a light at the end of the tunnel - I'll be moving out of my parent's place and in with my two best friends very soon hopefully (was going to be end of this month, but now it's been pushed back to early December damnit :( ), and once that happens I'll *FINALLY* be off the leash and ready to see where this all takes me!  I'm excited, and terrified at the same time.  I feel so strongly that this will take me where I need to go (although I don't quite know exactly where "there" is yet lol, but that's half the fun, right? ;) ), but at the same time I know - this is no game.  This is not a lifestyle choice, a fad or a "way of life".  This is very real, and the consequences for any mis-steps can be severer and life-changing - even *literally fatal*.  HRT and the surgeries are not things that can be undone (or at least not fully).  I can't "un-come out" to people, and it's likely that my relationships with them will be changed - for better or for worse - forever.  There's no auto-save feature with this stuff.  There's no extra lives, undo buttons or re-rolls.  I'm going to get one shot at this, and if I F it up - Game Over.  Or if I'm extremely lucky, I might get the chance to do some damage limitation, but that's asking a lot.  Gender Dysphoria is a disease.  Diseases often need medicines and surgeries to fix.  Sometimes those medicines and/or surgeries can go wrong and wreck your life or even kill you.  Do what is necessary to cope with the disease, but once the risks of further actions outweigh the potential rewards, then it's time to stop.  Why expose yourself to life-altering or potentially fatal risks when you don't have to?  Life has enough dangers in it as it is, without adding to them lmao!

Sorry for going off at a bit of a tangent, but my point is - although I'm excited to start this whole new part of my life where I *FINALLY* get to be *ME*, I'm also terrified at what I'll have to do to get there.  My best chance of success here - in spite of my excitement and impatience - is to take things slowly, one step at a time.  Let things settle in, evaluate how I feel about it, and then decide where to go next.  I intend to only do the things that I absolutely *NEED* to do, and nothing more.

I'm not saying this to scare you (although you'd be a moron if you weren't scared hunni lol! :D), but it's important to realise that this isn't a game or a lifestyle choice we're talking about here.  I guess my point I'm trying to come to is - use your time while you're stuck to do your research, some introspection and soul-searching (and obviously the lovely people here can help out with all of that, as can a Gender Therapist).  On the side, start planning how to get yourself un-stuck and put that plan into motion.  By the time you get yourself un-stuck, hopefully you'll already have a strong idea of where you need to go next.

Hope I've helped hunni, and I hope I haven't scared you off of doing what you need to do.  I just want you to be aware that - by all accounts - this journey is probably the most brutal one you'll ever have to take in your life, and many people literally don't survive it (there's a reason why there's a pinned thread with suicide hotline numbers in it).  Many others do survive it of course, and when they get to where they're going, they report that things are more wonderful than they could have hoped for.

All my love to you babe, and everyone else on this journey.  Travel well everyone :) ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

Haha no don't worry you haven't scared me away from doing anything. I mean I know from what I've said it might seem like I'm thinking about physical changes, but at the moment I just hypothetically imagine that stuff to try and understand how I really feel. As for actually doing anything about it I dunno, it doesn't seem like that would really work out for me, and not just for the obvious physical reasons (5.11, big hands, massive feet, thinning hair) I know if you offered me the chance I'd rather be female- but that's a different question to do you want to transition. I'm really shy. I don't like to stand out. I have a lot of attributes that mean I think I could potentially be pretty miserable going through that. More miserable than I am now. The future doesn't exactly seem great for me to be honest, I think I just have a whole bunch of feelings that don't add up and never will. I think life will probably just be about holding them at bay enough to present a socially acceptable front to not cause my parents too much grief while they are around. When I said 'stuck' I sort of meant that even accepting these feelings to the small extent that I have makes my life hard to handle. It's pretty hard to stand in a huddle of thirty guys when you know you've got this going on. And my social life is generally based around sport too.  I don't have any friends who aren't pretty stereotypical guys. I mean I've decided I need to talk to somebody and I'm going to do that, but it seems like I can't just continue with my life at the same time. It's like I can only pick one.

Happy for you though. Exploring this I've realised that some transgender people are some of the smartest I've ever come across. Have an understanding and way of looking at life that is just better than most people and if everyone thought the same way the world would be a better place. Good luck!

Quote from: orangejuice on October 05, 2014, 09:13:35 PM
Haha no don't worry you haven't scared me away from doing anything. I mean I know from what I've said it might seem like I'm thinking about physical changes, but at the moment I just hypothetically imagine that stuff to try and understand how I really feel. As for actually doing anything about it I dunno, it doesn't seem like that would really work out for me, and not just for the obvious physical reasons (5.11, big hands, massive feet, thinning hair) I know if you offered me the chance I'd rather be female- but that's a different question to do you want to transition. I'm really shy. I don't like to stand out. I have a lot of attributes that mean I think I could potentially be pretty miserable going through that. More miserable than I am now. The future doesn't exactly seem great for me to be honest, I think I just have a whole bunch of feelings that don't add up and never will. I think life will probably just be about holding them at bay enough to present a socially acceptable front to not cause my parents too much grief while they are around. When I said 'stuck' I sort of meant that even accepting these feelings to the small extent that I have makes my life hard to handle. It's pretty hard to stand in a huddle of thirty guys when you know you've got this going on. And my social life is generally based around sport too.  I don't have any friends who aren't pretty stereotypical guys. I mean I've decided I need to talk to somebody and I'm going to do that, but it seems like I can't just continue with my life at the same time. It's like I can only pick one.

Happy for you though. Exploring this I've realised that some transgender people are some of the smartest I've ever come across. Have an understanding and way of looking at life that is just better than most people and if everyone thought the same way the world would be a better place. Good luck!

Here's the thing that kind of bothers me about this:Your parents aren't going to be around forever. Friends come and go. New people will always enter and leave your life. Living your life to please others while you suffer underneath is no way to live either. You're taking a pessimistic approach to the idea of transition. Sure, it's not going to be a walk in the park, but you could be happier for it too. It's just as easy to say transitioning will make everything perfect. Truth is, the journey and outcome will fall somewhere between miserable disaster and complete bliss. Either way, it's best to approach it with an optimistic view. You've said you're big into sports. Do you approach games thinking: Well, we're not going to win so why bother?

Here's what settled it all for me, because I thought of doing what you've said you want to do. If I don't transition and I just do what everyone expects of me (marry a girl and have kids) then I'm going to be setting myself up for bigger problems than I would now while I'm young. There are so many stories of trans women who come out in their 50s and older who have had wives and children. It doesn't always turn out bad, but there are some pretty rough stories out their. The point is, the feelings don't go away. If you thought 20+ years living with this was hard, think about another 50+ years.

You're still young and you have no obligations to a wife, a child, your friends, or your parents. The only person you are obligated to is yourself. Do what makes you happy.

And sorry if I seem pushy on the subject. Lol I just understand the depression too well.

Haha don't worry about being pushy. This is what I wanted when I came on here. To get opinions on this stuff.
I should start by saying again, I still don't really understand if I am transgender, but yes I am certainly thinking about the pros and cons of transitioning to try to answer that question.

I agree with what you're saying, you need to do what makes you happy. Not causing my parents grief is just part of the reason why I don't think I could do it. If I had the money to move to another country, leave everything behind, friends, family, and cause them all the heartbreak that goes with that, but knowing that I was going to be able to return in 5 years time as a completely passable woman, I'd do it. I wouldn't like having to put them through that and what it would continue to put them through, but I'd do it. It's when I consider other aspects and put it together with the parents thing that means I don't think I'd be happy. Like I said I'm really shy. I don't like attention in any way. I'm embarrassed about admitting it but I care about what others are thinking of me a lot. And when I put that together with the fact that there's not really a chance that I would pass then I'd likely be as, if not more, miserable than I am now. I know I'm younger than a lot of people and others would give anything to have the chance to do it younger, but like I said I'm 5.11, I have massive feet, which look silly big for my body already as it is, I have long arms, big hands, a fairly big rib cage, a voice that's deeper than most, a pretty masculine face, and worst of all when I say 'thinning' that's probably generous, at worst my hair is half way to gone (it is hard to make an accurate assessment when you are so emotionally invested in something!)

With the parents thing as well, I wish it wasn't true, but if I turned up on their doorstep looking like a woman, and explained everything to them about how I've felt over the years, they'd be more likely to understand. If I turned up looking like a guy in girl's clothes, they might still get it eventually, but there would be a difference in how they would look at me. And don't think I'd be able to handle that. The thing is when I see people who don't pass it makes me think that I wouldn't want to do it. I have nothing but admiration for people who go after what makes them happy regardless. I wish I was able to say 'I am who I am and nothing else matters', but I'm not. That's just not me. I should also say that like I mentioned before some of this is what makes me question whether I really am transgender.

I understand the thing about making things worse in the future. That terrifies me every day. It's what drove me a few days ago to come to the conclusion I need to somehow deal with how I'm feeling. But unless I can learn to like myself better, there's no way I'll be able to consider relationships and a family, which can be pretty sad to think about. I'm just saying that that is what I think the future probably holds for me, but that may be very much as a result of my specific situation and I also hope that I will be able to find a different a one. I'm defo going to try.

You obviously see a different future for yourself, which is great, that's where I'm trying to get to.

As a girl turning 50 this month, I would have given anything to have transitioned earlier. And a few times I did try. But as always family situations, one time a housing situation interrupted it, and the time before this it was a serious aircraft accident. Putting off transition led me to two suicide attempts that would have succeeded if it weren't for quick thinking by my friends boyfriends and neighbors, and for shoddy ammo manufacturing on the second. A third almost happened more recently but I was saved by the wonderful ladies and a few gents here on this website. And, I was already living full time and passing during the latter but I was losing my hair, and none of my Doctors at the time wanted to help me get on hrt and further my transition that had stalled. Hell I couldn't even get my PC to give me finasteride. He just wanted to waist time running test after test after test, month after month while my hair continued to disappear. Well, I wasn't willing to lose all my hair while my gatekeeping Doctor looked for a smoking gun that was never there. I went to a dermatologist and got diagnosed with a feminine hair loss pattern still caused my DHT as it is with male pattern baldness, Fired all my Doctors, found new ones willing to help and began my hrt on December 27th, 2013. All thoughts of suicide vanished on the 3rd day, my hair loss stopped and began reversing and has been filling back in nicely. I won't allow anything to stop this transition as I'm happier than I've ever been, and I'll be having my SRS soon as soon as I get the scheduling and transportation worked out.

I only tell you all of the above so you'll understand this dysphoria we all suffer will never go away, but it does progressively get worse, and worse over time and during intense moments it can lead you into some very dark places. Dark places I sincerely hope you will never see. Stagnation, by which I mean, needing to transition and seeing nothing happening to move forward for whatever reason is the fastest way into these dark places I mention. Especially when your seeing the T and DHT destroying your femininity. And this happens much faster with age.

In my Avatar pic that's my real hair recovering and growing like it used to in my 20's again. 9 months and a week ago before hrt, you'd be able to see my scalp in two places on the top left side of my head. In fact I had ordered a wig from china, but by the time it arrived I thank the heavens no longer needed it. You are still young, and if your hair hasn't been falling out that long it is very possible for you to get some of it back with time on hrt with the right combination of meds. In any case you'll stop losing your hair, and the hair you have will thicken a bit after a few months.

I spent the best years of my life living in misery, unhappiness, hating myself in despair to keep other people happy. Please don't make the same mistake I did. For every time I look back on all of my best years lost I just cry until I have no more tears left to shed, because I could have been happy all those years had I just listened to my heart and mind, and not the whimsical wishes of the people around me.

Best Wishes!
Ally :icon_flower:

Hi Ally, Yea I dunno its hard to really how bad my hair loss is because its one of those things you can exaggerate in your head. Unfortunately for me it started falling out when I was 18 but fortunately I had an incredible thick amount of it to begin with. I can still make it look like a decent enough head of hair with the right hairstyle which is cut real short at the side and long on top. But the slightest sign of a breeze and its pretty obvious I'm losing it! I actually took propecia for three years from 20-23 which slowed it but then I stopped because I got spooked by all the chat about side effects. But hey the way I've been thinking lately that doesn't really matter so I might just get back on it. Thanks for making me realise that!

I guess what I've been trying to get at is I don't like the idea of having to force anything-but I had this moment where I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and, didn't imagine myself as female, but just kind of, not as the guy I've always thought I was. And it felt great. I think I'm realising that gender is a stupid thing. Some of you smart people on here already knew that feeling I guess. I mean I want to be a girl, but I think I'd be ok with pursuing wherever that feeling takes me and just living appropriately. I looked at myself in the mirror and let go of all the desires I had to look big and ripped and it made me really happy. I can't believe that. I've always felt like when I'm not in good shape and going to the gym then I'm not happy. Now I can't wait to just not work out for a while and see what it'll be like to lose the big arms, shoulders and chest that I've got. Although I have some pretty masculine features I also have some feminine ones. I have a really feminine curvature to my back, despite being fairly wide at the shoulder blades,and a feminine shape to my legs. I have really soft skin on my hands, feet, and face. I guess I'm a mix of lucky and unlucky features when it comes to successfully transitioning with little in between. But anyway what I'm saying is I looked in the mirror and looked at that stuff and instead of being embarassed about it-it made me happy. I admitted to myself for the first time that I'm actually going to do something about this for the first time, not just talk about it. It made me unable to sleep last night with what I think was well, happiness. The best thing was I could imagine a future other than just staring into years of nothing.

So when you're getting sad looking back at the time you wasted in your life I hope you can take a bit of comfort from the fact that you may have just made mine a whole lot better! I'm not sure why but reading your comment sort of tipped me over the edge.

What is actually the deal with hair on HRT? does it stop male pattern baldness? I thought I read that it didn't? But I've now heard a few people including you say that it does and even reverse it sometimes. And how does it respond to medications like finasteride and minoxidil when on HRT? better than it does for a normal male?

Quote from: orangejuice on October 07, 2014, 02:09:03 AM
...But anyway what I'm saying is I looked in the mirror and looked at that stuff and instead of being embarassed about it-it made me happy. I admitted to myself for the first time that I'm actually going to do something about this for the first time, not just talk about it. It made me unable to sleep last night with what I think was well, happiness. The best thing was I could imagine a future other than just staring into years of nothing...

Haha, watch out hun - that feeling gets rather addictive, as I'm finding out myself lately lmao! :D  You'll know what I mean when you realise you're looking at yourself obsessively in every mirror and car window just to catch a glimpse of your inner self! :D ♥︎

Nearly everything you said there applies to me.  I didn't really feel like I wasn't "one of the guys."  I was popular, good looking, and literally could be playing professional baseball right now (I'm not kidding).  I'm 26 and have lost a little hair over the last 4-5 years and I also realized I was aging in masculine ways.  My face went from being really plump and babyfaceish to gaunter and masculine.  I'm still holding on to my sanity, by in large because my hair is still holding on as well and my face (despite the loss in fat) has delicate enough features for me to not want to smash my face into the mirror every time I look at it.

I'm in therapy right now and have been for a couple months now.  I actually just had my physical and blood work done today.  Tomorrow my therapist and doctors will be discussing me during a meeting.  My physical went fine and, provided my blood work checks out, I could begin HRT next week.

I'm 5'11.75" with HUGE hands, OK feet, I'm a freak athlete and my hair is thinning too.  I really have no idea if I'll ever pass.  I think I could end up looking like a runway model or Julia Child.  Main reason I feel I should maybe do something is because I don't want to waste years starring into nothingness, same as you.  I've already wasted enough of them and if I wait too much longer then I know I won't be able to pass.  And I'm doing all of this without being 100% sure that I'm transgendered and knowing there's a chance that I won't pass.  I mean, I'm pretty positive I am trans and have been since I was a young child, but at times it hasn't been so bad being a man; but depression has hit me pretty hard recently, I'm on a transgendered web-site right now, I look in the mirror and scour at my being male and I have a certain level of resentment for CIS-people for not having to be under a constant barraged of thoughts of displacement.  A lot of times I'll just break down when I see a particularly pretty girl, or even think of my not being a woman myself.  So like I said, I'm pretty positive that I'm trans.

Another reason I'm starting now is because, despite losing A LOT of hair, I still have a lot of it left and there's a decent chance that my hair loss will be halted and may reveres a bit.  Then I can get my hairline lowered and have the rest thickened up a bit with a ht.  I told my dr. today that I worry because I've lost a good bit of hair over the last few years.  Fishing for a reply I said "I've read hairloss often stops with HRT and can sometimes reverse."  He said "it should, usually it does" and then knelt over and showed me his MPB hair and said you won't get to this.  I don't know how much you've lost.  But if your like me and you've lost a lot, but somehow still have basically a full head with thinning areas then you could probably save it.  It should halt it, and could respawn some.  The follicle remains active for 7 years or something like that.  I'm holding out hope that since I'm only 26 and have only been losing my hair for 5 years or so, and still have a lot of growth that I'll get good hair results.

Anyway, I hardly know if I'm making the right decision, let alone know whether or not you are.  It's about as hard a decision as you can make and it sucks.  We're very similar though, you and I; as a kid I had thoughts of being a superhero now I want to be Marilyn Monroe.  Funny how that works.  It sound to me that there is a good chance that you're trans.  You should see a therapist.  Mine had been great, she's a really lovely woman.  I haven't gotten too much that I didn't already know and talking doesn't make it better, but it is nice to know that there are people out there who understand/want to help.

Quote from: KiraD on October 07, 2014, 01:59:58 PM
Haha, watch out hun - that feeling gets rather addictive, as I'm finding out myself lately lmao! :D  You'll know what I mean when you realise you're looking at yourself obsessively in every mirror and car window just to catch a glimpse of your inner self! :D ♥︎

Yup, and that's been true for me.  It sucks when you hit some poor lighting or an awkward angle though...

Quote from: orangejuice on October 07, 2014, 02:09:03 AM
So when you're getting sad looking back at the time you wasted in your life I hope you can take a bit of comfort from the fact that you may have just made mine a whole lot better! I'm not sure why but reading your comment sort of tipped me over the edge.

While I dunno what I said^^___^^, I'm very happy I could help.

What is actually the deal with hair on HRT? does it stop male pattern baldness? I thought I read that it didn't? But I've now heard a few people including you say that it does and even reverse it sometimes. And how does it respond to medications like finasteride and minoxidil when on HRT? better than it does for a normal male?

You must understand hun,^^___^^ I didn't have male pattern baldness. I'm intersex and I had a feminine hair loss pattern, which though caused by the awful DHT, is a bit different than male baldness. In addition, it wasn't finasteride that saved my hair, it was/is Avodart (dutasteride). I'm mentioning this to clear up any confusion that may have arisen.

I would also like to affirm that results may vary depending on genetics, family history, age, the severity and length of time for hair loss, and other determining factors. Finasteride does work in most people to stop hair loss, however Durasteride (Avodart) is a more efficient DHT suppressor. My hair is very important to me, so I insisted on Avodart (dutasteride) over finasteride when I started my hrt despite it's much higher expense.

Best Wishes :icon_bunch:

Ally :icon_flower:

Good to hear someone with a similar story. Ye I don't know if I'm transgender either (though the way I've felt in the last few days seems to be telling me something) There's a million cons to actually dealing with these feelings, and there's only one con to leaving them alone, its just that one con happens to be I may wake up in 5,10, 20 years and want to blow my brains out. I could easily reach the conclusion that these feelings are not genuine and then go out tomorrow, get back in the gym, go hang out with friends and be the same guy. I could be happy, for a week,  2 weeks, that's what I've been doing for 5 years now, but I always end up back in the same spot which is going absolutely nowhere. The only option really is to do something. Made an appointment to go talk to someone today.

I would give anything to get some hair back, that 7 years thing sounds delightful!.. but I dunno. I was still looking pretty normal until about a year ago, and it still covers my head reasonably fully (i think) but I'm very much rocking the sweep now. No other hair style works. Haha maybe I'll just tell people I couldn't handle going bald so becoming a girl was a price I had to pay. They'd probs react better to that tbh. Yea seems like we're in a similar place. I'm realising that I don't think I should really be this depressed about losing my looks a bit. I've not suddenly become ugly or anything, but the future looking the way I feel like I'm going to fills me with utter self-loathing and hopelessness. I think that might be telling me something. I've never really made that connection until now. I also have no clue if I could pass, it seems unlikely tbh, but what I'm going to do now is try and lose all the muscle I've had since I was 15 and get a better look at my frame. Just the thought of doing that feels good. Good luck hope we can both figure it out!

Quote from: KiraD on October 07, 2014, 01:59:58 PM
Haha, watch out hun - that feeling gets rather addictive, as I'm finding out myself lately lmao! :D  You'll know what I mean when you realise you're looking at yourself obsessively in every mirror and car window just to catch a glimpse of your inner self! :D ♥︎

Yup spent way too long in front of the mirror past few days!


Ally-ok thanks, its pretty good to know that most people seem able to at least stop it, I didn't really know if that was the case.

Hi Orangejuice,

I am sorry I am late to read the thread.

I identify with your story. I am glad you have an appointment to talk to someone. A gender therapist is a great start as others have said.

I am happy you are seeking out help at an early age. The feelings only intensify with age.

You asked a question, do you think I am trans. When I read your story I saw a lot of my story. Cis people just do not have those thoughts and do not ask the question. It is important to find out where on the spectrum you are and then what you need to do to be more comfortable.

Cynthia, thanks a lot for the reply. It has been pretty overwhelming to get sympathy for something I've done nothing but criticise myself for my whole life. Yea I think the spectrum thing is going to be particularly important for me to remember.

TheQuestion, thanks for the message, don't mind at all, (though the fact that I had to give my email almost scared me off from coming on here-that's how deep this stuff is hidden for me), can't reply to it yet because I'm new but I hope you don't mind if I ask you a few questions on this and you can reply by PM if you want to?

I've been actively thinking about the changes I'd need to make if I were to transition-and it feels like the only way I could do it would be to move away from my current situation, friends and family included. Like I say my social life and everything else really is based around a stereotypical male environment. I have a group of 8 great and incredibly loyal guy friends I've known since school and most still live in the same city. All of them would be guaranteed weirded out and uncomfortable, I would have hopes two or three of them would be compassionate, but none of them would be capable of really getting it (I include a newly qualified doctor in that). I wouldn't hold that against them though. I don't know if your social life is the macho one that mine is, but we both seem to have a sporting background, so do you mind me asking what kind of friends/family you have/had growing up? Sometimes I think that my life has just been so overwhelmingly incompatible with these feelings and I'm scared that if I had just been able to be open about them that I might have reached a different conclusion.

Can relate to the rushed thing. I mean regardless of what I actually decide to do, it feels like overnight I suddenly have a panic to stop my hair loss/halt my body developing the way it is. A few days ago I had a depressed resignation to it.

If I'd done something ten years ago I think I could have been quite hot by anyone's standards, but tbh the happiness I'm feeling about realizing I could do something at all is pretty overwhelming. It's like dreaming of being a superhero as a kid, and then being told you actually can be one! Hope you can try and focus on the positives too!