I have the female body, but a male brain. I really hate the idea of having to be trans, injecting my whole life, having surgeries, having to 'come out' to people, being rejected, not being able to have kids etc. But when I say to myself 'you can just be a boyish girl, you can still do everything you want, while you might not be able to because you're trans' it just depresses me. I wish I could just be female and get on with life, but I just feel so sad thinking it. I have depression because of being trans, but the anti depressants aren't helping. I hate my body, but I can never have the proper male body so why bother.
I have yet to take testosterone or owt. Just left school because I can't do the work due to depression. So I am stuck in a rut. I would love to be male so much, but I can't be properly. There would always be some secret I'd have to tell people, I hate that. I just want to live a normal male life.
I have been thinking I'll just live as female and not go through all the hassle, but I don't think my brain will let me anymore, and that really scares me.
Is it possible to somehow get rid of the depression and get on with life without transitioning? I don't want to be miserable my whole life, but don't want to have the problems of being trans in today's society.
you poor thing :(
Its been my experience that these feelings don't get better with time, they get worse. As terrible as it is to be a trans* anything vs. cisgendered people in my mind it was still a better option than being as miserable as I was. You don't have to do anything of course I couldn't deal with it, I tried and tried and tried and it just overwhelmed me, completely.
Most things in life just take hard work and resolve. If you are truly trans then what I see here is two choices you are really presenting yourself with; being miserable in the closet for a few decades to life or spending a few awkward years transitioning. I think we live in a much better time to be trans then the men and women that did transition 10+ years ago. Also side note, you don't have to identify yourself as trans for the rest of your life, you can go stealth and leave your past self behind.
Short answer: No.
Long answer: There are many factors that make up one's life, and being trans is just one of many. People have delayed transition for things like family, circumstances, and other issues which are important to them. It should be noted that in most of these cases people do eventually transition, and transition is merely delayed because they made value judgments about what is most important at the time and NOT because they were trying to avoid transition. So, it is possible to not transition. Is it possible to just not transition and not be miserable? Not usually.
I don't honestly think any transgender could simply not transition without being miserable, as for being 'normal' there is no such thing anyway. And as for having a 'proper' male body, a guys body comes in infinite varieties anyway. Hormones and surgery can get you to a point where you will pass 100% as a male to everyone except those you are intimate with.
As for being trans, the VAST majority of people will not know you are trans, they will simply see a man.
If you do not feel that you can be happy in a female body then surely a body that is MUCH closer to the male ideal that you feel you need to be you is better?
On a side note I have seen some male prosthesis that are so good that it is possible to look completely male even when you are naked!
In the end only you can answer your question because we are all individuals.....
Alice
xx
I suppose I am just delaying the inevitable really. I know I'd be happier in a male body. I just hate the hassle, but hopefully it'll be worth it. I always tell people 'screw society, live how you want', just wish I could do that myself.
Quote from: ScottyMac on October 08, 2014, 05:06:03 AM
I suppose I am just delaying the inevitable really. I know I'd be happier in a male body. I just hate the hassle, but hopefully it'll be worth it. I always tell people 'screw society, live how you want', just wish I could do that myself.
Believe me, the actual act of beginning your transition will not feel like a hassle. Some of the social and relationship issues connected with it can be difficult but getting started, even if it is just talking to a therapist about your needs and feelings can feel like a HUGE relief!
Alice
xx
You're already trans whether you transition or not, you're just pondering whether to let others know or not. You're living for them.
I have to wait until January until the NHS will see me. Don't know what to do until then. Any ideas to alleviate the depression? I try distracting myself with video games but everything just feels boring and monotonous.
Quote from: ScottyMac on October 08, 2014, 05:30:47 AM
I have to wait until January until the NHS will see me. Don't know what to do until then. Any ideas to alleviate the depression? I try distracting myself with video games but everything just feels boring and monotonous.
How about adding some more masculine stuff to your wardrobe? Or getting a haircut that can pass as male or female? Anything that makes you feel better? When I was in the early stages I used to wear female undies underneath my male clothes, it helped, it really did, maybe you could get some guys undies? Then I moved onto buying female clothes that looked male enough to pass in public. Maybe a more blokey wardrobe will make you feel a little better? You don;t have to share it with the world unless you want to!
Alice
xx
I have got male boxers but they don't really sit right haha.
I don't know, whenever I read about it the general consensus seems to be 'you should tell everyone you're trans, that way you're not living a lie'. The only person I'd want to know is a potential girlfriend, and I couldn't be sure she wouldn't tell people.
Coming out and telling everyone is a big decision, I put off telling anyone for several years, I never doubted i would tell everyone eventually but it gave me time to learn about myself and the needs I had with respect to my transition. As for potential partners your instincts will usually tell you if she would be safe to confide in, if you doubt her then maybe she wouldn't be such a great catch!
Try something a bit tighter, like lycra shorts. They are pretty comfy no matter what your biology!
Alice
xx
Would I be alright if only my family and potential girlfriend knew? Or would I get 'found out' some how?
As long as you don't start hrt no one would guess. But once you do' it is not long before you won't be able to hide it. Its called beard for one ;)
I mean I do HRT and look male, then go to university where no one will know me. So they'll see me as male. Is there some way they could find out (without me saying), a document or something?
Quote from: ScottyMac on October 08, 2014, 06:38:27 AM
I mean I do HRT and look male, then go to university where no one will know me. So they'll see me as male. Is there some way they could find out (without me saying), a document or something?
The biggest issue at Uni would be birth name on records, e.g. using your name on info and registers etc. You could head that off by getting your name changed before you applied though.
You don't even have to start a transition in order to change your name!
So if I get a name change, there is no way to find out (without me saying owt)?
Quote from: ScottyMac on October 08, 2014, 05:38:16 AM
I have got male boxers but they don't really sit right haha.
I don't know, whenever I read about it the general consensus seems to be 'you should tell everyone you're trans, that way you're not living a lie'. The only person I'd want to know is a potential girlfriend, and I couldn't be sure she wouldn't tell people.
Dude ->-bleeped-<- the whole "living a lie" idea. The thing is, you're living a lie right now because you feel you can't be your authentic self. Transitioning means you get to be honest with yourself and yeah, if you so choose, you can tell other people. But that is your choice and the thing is, you don't owe anyone anything. You don't OWE anyone an explanation. And there is nothing wrong with living stealth, if that is what you choose to do. Also, starting HRT doesn't necessarily mean you would have to tell anyone right away. Testosterone works slowly. For me, I'm two months on T and the people I haven't come out to haven't seemed to notice anything (even my voice dropping). People are usually pretty self-absorbed and don't notice as much as we think.
Being FTM gives you a real advantage. You can dress as masculine as desired without anybody questioning you as to what you are. You can even use either public restroom (in male dress) without experiencing rejection.
Just dress as masculine as you feel comfortable and see how it goes for you.
Quote from: ScottyMac on October 08, 2014, 07:19:26 AM
So if I get a name change, there is no way to find out (without me saying owt)?
There are always ways for it to come out, but you can minimise the risks in advance by talking to your tutors and the admin people.
Are you aware that you don't have to go to the gender clinic to start testosterone? Just ask your gp, talk to them. I remember I got tst blockers off my gp over the phone telling him the name of the meds I want, lol. Try it!
There's no way to ease the dysphoria without transitioning. Well, lobothomy, but it's not on your wishlist prolly, lol
Do it, and see how it goes. Feel the joy from seeing the tiniest changes in your body :D it's cool
good luck!
Transition doesn't start on day one of T, so you've got plenty of things that you can do now to get a head start. And as others have said, it should alleviate some of the depression you're experiencing.
IMO the social part of transition is even more important than the physical aspects. And since you weren't socialized as a guy, you've got some catching up to do. Pay attention to guys' mannerisms, social interactions, speech patterns, etc. and then try to mimic till it feels natural.
It varies from person to person. Some are more able to cope than others.
I actually probably didn't HAVE to transition. I was relatively happy before starting transition, and dysphoria was just like this little persistent bugger that kept bothering me and that I had to consciously ignore.
Sure, I had low self-esteem, I hated my body, and felt like I was in a perpetual state of being bothered and annoyed and unmotivated, but I did indeed survive just fine, and still found ways to be happy. In fact, I was one of those "ray of sunshine" type people at work all the time, because I absolutely refused to be a negative influence on the world, I decided that I'd rather suck all the marrow out of life, working on my lifelong dream, listening to music and constantly singing happy songs, and being nice to people in a feminine way even if they weren't nice back to me just because I was tall, large-built, and male, that nobody would ever have known that there was anything wrong with me.
All I'm saying is, there are ways to cope. There are indeed ways to still be happy, if you're the type of person who can find them and look on the positive side of things rather than dwelling on the negatives.
With that said, I decided to transition because I realized the only reason I wasn't doing it was because I was afraid of what other people would think. I was afraid of rejection from friends, rejection from family, and being seen as a freak by people. It had NOTHING to do with what I wanted. So I decided to follow my heart and to hell with what anyone else thought about it.
But again, I didn't have to transition. It wasn't "transition or die" for me. It was more like "stay as I am now and keep being happy but with this persistent nagging source of annoyance, or take a shot at true happiness and a body that I'd actually like instead of constantly hating it.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on October 08, 2014, 02:00:24 PM
It varies from person to person. Some are more able to cope than others.
I actually probably didn't HAVE to transition. I was relatively happy before starting transition, and dysphoria was just like this little persistent bugger that kept bothering me and that I had to consciously ignore.
**************
But again, I didn't have to transition. It wasn't "transition or die" for me. It was more like "stay as I am now and keep being happy but with this persistent nagging source of annoyance, or take a shot at true happiness and a body that I'd actually like instead of constantly hating it.
People who have been following you for a while wont believe that BS. Transition was definately something that you had to do. Don't second guess yourself or give up now. You will only regret it later.
Quote from: mac1 on October 08, 2014, 04:06:15 PM
People who have been following you for a while wont believe that BS. Transition was definately something that you had to do. Don't second guess yourself or give up now. You will only regret it later.
I have to say Carrie Liz, I've followed your story only recently, and from the start! All 69 pages. It's made me sad often, but also very very happy for you. I have to say respectfully, I can see what mac1 means! You look so lovely and have such a happier face in your recent pictures. How can you think otherwise. X
I think we are (or at least have been) our own worst enemies and the negative side of us will always be ready to put doubts, fears and worries into our minds.
I ask similar questions to you Scotty mac. I do agree with the many who say only we can know and that it will take time.
Hope it goes well for you.
Okay, I appreciate it, you two, but I'm talking before I ever even started transition.
Mac, you've known me since I was posting on the Eunuch Archive and still thought that transition was impossible, and was just using story-writing as a coping mechanism. Before I'd even considered starting transition. I was actually a pretty happy and upbeat back then. Ironically, starting transition and getting on hormones was the thing that opened the floodgates and made me realize what I had been missing my whole life, and anything less than full transition no longer became an option because I realized how much I'd been denying myself for the sake of not offending others.
But back before those floodgates opened, I did cope just fine.
So again, I do think that it's possible. Not recommended if it's just fear over social rejection that's keeping you from doing it, like it was for me, but possible.
And to be fair, I didn't have much to lose... my "social rejection" fear was nothing but worrying about people making fun of me or looking at me funny, or my parents begrudgingly disapproving of it. And I was unmarried, had just broken off my only long-term relationship, and had JUST entered the workforce. I pretty much had nothing to lose by trying. For those who have real things to lose, though... stable long-term careers, rejecting families, marriages, kids, hostile environments, it really might not be in their best interest to transition. A lot of trans people can't cope with losing those things. So weigh your options. What do you have to lose? How important are those things to you? How bad is your dysphoria? Is it therefore worth taking a shot at being rid of the dysphoria at the risk of losing those things?
And here's another question that really drove me into it... what about the risk of getting more and more like your birth gender and less and less like your identity gender with each passing year? Because yeah, that happens. The older you get, the more and more your natal hormones affect you, and the more and more like your birth gender you get, and the less your body replenishes and heals itself, and thus the harder it becomes to transition. That was one of the things that pushed me over the edge... I realized that I was losing my hair FAST, my skin was losing its youthful luster, my face and body were getting thicker and thicker and more masculine with each passing year, that that it genuinely might be too late for me to transition and pass unless I acted quickly. Consider that too.
There's a lot of positives and negatives to weigh, and again, they vary from person to person. Some people age more slowly so that's not as big of a factor. Some people have families that are more likely to be accepting. Some people have job protections, some don't. Some have worse dysphoria than others. And some are able to cope with loss and personal hardships better than others. These are all things to consider.
Quote from: ScottyMac on October 08, 2014, 05:38:16 AM
I have got male boxers but they don't really sit right haha.
Of course they don't sit right. They are boxers.
Briefs for the win!
Quote from: Carrie Liz on October 08, 2014, 05:17:52 PM...starting transition and getting on hormones was the thing that opened the floodgates and made me realize what I had been missing my whole life, and anything less than full transition no longer became an option because I realized how much I'd been denying myself for the sake of not offending others.
I believe this is a majority opinion of transgender people. The clarity of thought and the depression removal as a result of hormones brings into confident focus what has been buried for so long.
It's not possible at least for me it wasn't. I put my transition on hold after starting 8 years earlier. Doing so nearly resulted in my dying. The stress on my body caused me to lose one kidney and nearly lose the other.
Mariah
Scotty I'm in the same place you are, but I'm 32.
I think you're always going to be wondering "what if I transitioned...?". So I think it's possible for you to be happy with a female body, but I think you'll always wonder. Like I'm pretty happy now, except for the constant gnawing feeling in the back of my head...! But you don't need to rush into transitioning even if you do want to transition. If you want to have kids, have kids first. Know you can transition after that.
Quote from: VeryGnawty on October 08, 2014, 04:45:04 AM
Short answer: No.
Long answer: There are many factors that make up one's life, and being trans is just one of many. People have delayed transition for things like family, circumstances, and other issues which are important to them. It should be noted that in most of these cases people do eventually transition, and transition is merely delayed because they made value judgments about what is most important at the time and NOT because they were trying to avoid transition. So, it is possible to not transition. Is it possible to just not transition and not be miserable? Not usually.
TBH Plenty of cis-people lead miserable lives. Again balance and value judgements. Just exactly what constitutes miserable? If 90% of your life is going great, including a healthy handling, yet not "ideal world" of being trans, would you trade away 50% or that 90% to gain that 10?
After six years of "transitioning" I have not gone full-time, yet. In fact that sort of decision is even harder to make now that I am a lot more emotionally healthier than I was before really taking on the trans beast. I have things in my life that are important, that bring me joy, that give me sense a worth, that all give me a sense of who I am. I may not look or feel (at times) totally genuine Yet today I am far far happier then I was 6 years ago before I started this process.
Perhaps this is because GRS was never on my top ten list. Feeling happy being me, being in my own skin was far more important. For the most part I have that. I have also achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Plenty of times I have my WTF am I doing? moments. I have a semi invalid wife who is slowly dying on the inside. I have a career that I love, a job that is more like play then work. I have other obligations to myself and others I need to live up to since that is who I am.
I look at it as the time is not right for me to go full-time, right now. When I first experimented with transitioning in my early 20's the take away was NFW! The pain and all I'd loose was far too much for a very fragile me to bear. I don't look back with regret since the time was not right then either.
Transition, simply put, is change. There has been PLENTY of that these past six years. One of the biggest is I almost never say "Life sucks and then you die" which was almost a constant mantra. I may have given up my dream of retiring when I hit 35, but I still have another dream to look forward to achieving
I think the social part is important too. Not that after a certain point, I didn't say "well f___ that." I mean that I take T and had top surgery. I watched how guys sit, stand, carry stuff, etc. But after a bit well if I don't keep to whatever someone's stereotype of guy is, well that's too damn bad. :)
Can you be completely stealth with no one knowing, to some extent. I don't think anybody is completely stealth, in that they tell partners, close friends, GP, that sort of thing.
Some people very honestly don't really care, even in my generation. They really really really don't.
Be who you are. Therapy from a good therapist who knows about this stuff is very helpful in this. Initially I had no idea how far/how much I would medically transition, if at all. You can discover that, but if a therapist tries to tell you, don't walk, run really fast. :)
--Jay
Quote from: katiej on October 08, 2014, 01:27:32 PM
Transition doesn't start on day one of T, so you've got plenty of things that you can do now to get a head start. And as others have said, it should alleviate some of the depression you're experiencing.
IMO the social part of transition is even more important than the physical aspects. And since you weren't socialized as a guy, you've got some catching up to do. Pay attention to guys' mannerisms, social interactions, speech patterns, etc. and then try to mimic till it feels natural.
I have decided that I am just going to take my time in the way I feel about being transgender. I mean it really didn't hit me hard about being transgender until recently and I am 40 years old right now and I am not sure if I will ever take hormones or have surgery but I am not going to get all bent out of shape if I don't. I know that deep down inside I am a woman and to fullfil that desire to be a woman dressing up and feeling feminine is just the trick right now. I am eventually going to start going to transgender group meetings and hopefully meeting others like myself, I am going to go see a gender therapist and get out my feelings and if he/she thinks I am at a good part of my life to take hormones then I will and go from there. I know that once I start taking hormones that I will have to decide where to go from there because if I grow breasts then there is no turning back and I will have to live as a woman unless I strap them down and keep wearing male clothes.
I think people think we choose to be this way and deal with the everyday issues we face trapped in the wrong body. Just hearing the issues that other transgender mtf and ftm have to deal with is rather stressful to think about and the money you spend and what not it just seems so overwhelming at times but I have decided that I am just going to relax and take my time and things will end up working themselves out. Now if I won the lottery or something I would make it happen right away and not work at all, lol and live full time as a woman and afford the surgery and life would be perfect or near perfect.
Quote from: Sandy74 on October 22, 2014, 09:21:03 AM
............I am going to go see a gender therapist and get out my feelings and if he/she thinks I am at a good part of my life to take hormones then I will and go from there. I know that once I start taking hormones that I will have to decide where to go from there because if I grow breasts then there is no turning back and I will have to live as a woman unless I strap them down and keep wearing male clothes.
............
You could still be a male with breasts. It is mostly how you feel about them. Nobody else will really care.