So I met this wonderful guy. We are perfect, same interests, romance, we are really happy together. Now we are considering marriage... He's already told his family about me, and expect him to marry this nice Christian girl. We're both Christians. I feel nobody has the right to know, I was thought this as a child, but what if he wants kids? What if he takes me to a doctor? Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?
My personal opinion is that there is no obligation, however I feel that it is something you may wish to share with him. Trust is the foundation of marriage, at the very least I would tell him that you cannot become pregnant and that if you both desire a family then adoption would be the only way.
The number of factors that weigh up together in this... I don't know if there's a more divided issue.
While it is nobodies business but your own, I was also hope that you would be able to share something so personal with the person you plan to marry. I think it's all a matter of trust, both ways. Trusting him means opening yourself to get hurt now. But not trusting him with this means risking it all on a secret. It might stay buried, you may be able to explain not being able to carry without it coming up. But I'd hate it to surface later. It was almost certainly end that deep level of trust from him instantly, if not more.
I'm sorry to be squarely in the tell him camp, not everyone will agree. I would certainly tell my future partner. While it's a risk, I would also not wish to be with anyone who could accept me regardless of a condition I was born with.
I'm sorry that it's not easier. xx
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 14, 2014, 01:22:25 AM
Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?
Yes they will.
Quote from: SammyRose on November 14, 2014, 02:12:06 AM
I'm sorry to be squarely in the tell him camp, not everyone will agree.
I agree. At the very least a future spouse deserves to know.
I understand why you feel like this is something yours and it isn't fair that you already got screwed by being born trans and having to take hormones and get at least one surgery done to finally be yourself on the outside.
But at the same time I personally think that there are 2 people in a relationship, and ignoring how one feels about what the other is just isn't nice(even if he has preconceived ideas of trans people and doesn't want to understand us)... not just that, but if he were to ever find out about you he'd feel betrayed, played, as if the whole relationship and marriage were a lie, a passing game to you, a "let's see how long I can fool this stupid guy" game. We understand you, I understand you, but will he? after years of marriage? :-\ Also, is it worth living hiding a secret at all costs? Be sure to marry someone who you can feel comfortable with and that they know that what they get is what you are. Being trans is, fortunately or not, part of who we are.... if he finds this out himself things might go reeeeally bad. :(
whichever way you go make sure you'll be happy in the end and safe :)
good luck ^___^
One of the benefits of marriage is to have your life companion that knows EVERYTHING about you and loves you for you and who you are because of your journey.
Tell him if you want a true marriage.
I'm of the opinion that you aren't obligated to tell anyone, and it's always up to you who you do and do not tell. But I would personally tell any guy I dated before things got too serious. If they're going to reject me for being transgender anyway, then frankly they're not the sort of person that I want to waste my time on to begin with. And I would always be fearful of my partner somehow finding out if I dated someone without telling them. If someone is going to react badly, then I think it's better and safer for me that they hear it directly from me before the relationship develops, rather than having it sprung on them by some random person somewhere down the line.
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 14, 2014, 01:22:25 AMWhat if he takes me to a doctor?
What do you mean by this? You're not his property. He can't drag you to the doctor.
you can do what ever you want with you life , legal, illegal what ever. you have a thing called free will. I personally would want my husband to know.
Are you obligated? Heck no.
Is it a good idea? Heck yes. One of the most important things in a relationship is trust. If you can't trust him with the fact that you're transgender, then your marriage is going to have problems. If you tell him and he bails on you, then the relationship would never have worked anyway. The longer you wait to tell him, the more he'll be hurt by the fact that you couldn't trust him with something so personal as that. But do you have to tell him? No.
I am not completely wrapped up in religion, although conservatively raised, am an adult agnostic. But I do know that a very wholesale belief among Christians is "Treat others kindly as you would like to be treated".
This raises your own conundrum, how would you feel if you find out deep into your relationship that your SO was hiding something significant that will appear and be very hurtful. Explaining to this SO that you cannot naturally have children with a lie would probably be in no ways fair if you are trying to be in a "good Christian relationship".
Somewhere, at some time, you will be in a situation where your past may be unveiled, living knowing that you are hiding this for a long period of your life may ultimately eat you alive.
You are not obligated to do anything but I think it is a good idea to tell him.
As someone who has been married for 10 years, I can tell you that trust plays a huge part in the relationship. If he can't trust you about this, (which is a pretty huge thing) and he finds out, you can probably kiss the marriage goodbye.
You don't have to tell anyone that you're trans but I think you should tell your spouse.
When I told my wife I was trans she flipped upside down and the word "betrayal" was uttered so many times I lost count. We may or may not survive but even if we do, the word "betrayal" sticks. And it stings.
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 14, 2014, 01:22:25 AMWhat if he takes me to a doctor? Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?
Quote from: KarinMcD on November 14, 2014, 05:41:22 AM
What do you mean by this? You're not his property. He can't drag you to the doctor.
There will be no dragging, but a lot, dare I say most people get married with the intention of becoming parents. Most people want to do it the natural way. But even if they can't just do it the natural way, a lot of people are seeking fertility treatment. This is something couples agree too, willingly. If there is resistance to this, there can be questions and mistrust as to why one partner doesn't want it done, since the tests aren't much different from a regular OB/GYN visit.
Quote from: m1anderson on November 14, 2014, 08:44:45 AM
I am not completely wrapped up in religion, although conservatively raised, am an adult agnostic. But I do know that a very wholesale belief among Christians is "Treat others kindly as you would like to be treated".
This raises your own conundrum, how would you feel if you find out deep into your relationship that your SO was hiding something significant that will appear and be very hurtful. Explaining to this SO that you cannot naturally have children with a lie would probably be in no ways fair if you are trying to be in a "good Christian relationship".
Somewhere, at some time, you will be in a situation where your past may be unveiled, living knowing that you are hiding this for a long period of your life may ultimately eat you alive.
I do agree with m1anderson here.... you really are going to have to tell him... it's a hard thing to do, trust me, I understand but it needs to be out there. This is sort of like a test, to see where he really is.. if he is really into you, then there won't be a problem. Adoption is always an option and this can remain just between you and him and not anyone else. My fiance' told his family that due to medical issues (which it really kinda is), I am unable to have children and said it was up to me to tell them or not.
I am pre op but my operation coming.. my therapist and I talked about relationships after surgery, if for whatever reason in life I become divorced or widowed and begin looking for men... I need to let them...it will create a very awkward situation if they do find out later in life.. i.e. you go to a doctors visit with them and doctor mentions something... or, god forbid you get in an accident and the doctor at hospital revels it to your spouse.... or whatever the case may be..... just food for thought.
Obligated?: No.
Doctors being able to tell by looking?: Depending on the skill of the surgeon, your individual anatomy, body's healing physiology... Yes & No. The few docs that have seen me down there have had zero clue. So, no they can't tell only by looking. If you are talking about DNA or Chromosomal testing, then most definitely yes.
I would most definitely let him know you are unable to have kids for whatever reason you prefer, but I would have that discussion up front and way in advance of any future plans.
Wow,
This is a hard one. If you are in one of the tightly knit Christian communities and you tell him and he rejects you there is a good possibility the entire community will know and reject you as well.
I would suggest talking about the kid thing first and let that go for a while. Then, if everything looks good, go for the tell.
At some point in time given our society and the flow of information, he will find out.
I'm sorry......
Hugs and Hugs and Hugs,
Jen
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 14, 2014, 01:22:25 AM
So I met this wonderful guy. We are perfect, same interests, romance, we are really happy together. Now we are considering marriage... He's already told his family about me, and expect him to marry this nice Christian girl. We're both Christians. I feel nobody has the right to know, I was thought this as a child, but what if he wants kids? What if he takes me to a doctor? Will the doctors be able to tell I had the surgery?
This boils down to: do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you are afraid what will happen if they find out "the truth"? You will have to lie about why you can't have kids to him, you will have to be careful about him ever seeing doctors reports etc that could out you etc. or running into some one know knows you from long ago that recognizes you. And are you OK spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't approve of people who are trans? Will you join in if he starts saying hateful/ugly things about some transgendered person he runs across in public? As in "Yeah, those people are sick".... That is what he will expect and if you don't, that could make him question you? Do you know for a fact he has strong feelings that trans people are sick/bad? If so and he finds out "the truth", that could turn very violent and usually does.
This is obviously your choice and whatever you decide, I don't feel anyone besides your future partner needs to know. And BTW you are still a nice christian girl :) I personally would not want to spend the rest of my life in fear of being found out and not sure that is a good basis to start out a relationship.
I was in a similar boat to you...
I met a wonderful guy and we started dating, and things began to get serious.. and like you was deciding should I tell him.. as he had no idea i was born a male... I knew I could get away with not telling as
we had already had sex and all my lady bits passed.
And I eventually told him, as one night we had a serious conversation about the future and one thing he wants is kids and I felt so bad... as I cant give him children.. so i told him.. he took it quite well.. and he has accepted my past..after a long talk and i answered his questions... and we both agreed adoption can give us kids one day.... If I could, I would have loved to have his children...
We are still together, and I feel I could spend the rest of my life with him...
If my wife of 30 yrs. had kept this part of herself hidden from me and it came out one day, I'd have felt lied to and betrayed..
Maybe you should rethink your marriage plans if you don't feel you can share you soul with this guy.? That's part of what marriage is about..
I would not marry a man whom I could not tell this to. And if a man has an issue with me being trans then he's not for me, plain and simple.
You must make your own decision, but I would tell him and see what happens.
You're not obligated to tell anyone anything. But take it from me, the past has a way of coming back and biting you in the butt. It is best to let him know or find out what he thinks about transgender subjects if you don't want it out. If he shows anykind of negativity then dump him.
But seriously though. You can do what you want but one bit of information left out will lead to lies later on. Lies about child hood, lack of childhood pictures and so on.
Like Mark said, later on if he finds out, chances are that he will feel betrayed and hurt and possibly a loss of his trust in you. Not to mention worst things that can happen.
Of course there is no obligation, but would it be OK for him to keep something that big a secret from you?
Thank you everyone, I just don't know when to tell him. It's not fair, I transitioned to be a woman, but I can't live my life completely as a woman. I feel more myself with guys that don't know. I have a friend who didn't tell her husband for thirty years, and in the end he accepted her. I'm going to enjoy what's left if our relationship, before I tell him.
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 14, 2014, 02:14:48 PM
Thank you everyone, I just don't know when to tell him. It's not fair, I transitioned to be a woman, but I can't live my life completely as a woman. I feel more myself with guys that don't know. I have a friend who didn't tell her husband for thirty years, and in the end he accepted her. I'm going to enjoy what's left if our relationship, before I tell him.
Jaz. You can't ever bet on someone else's sure thing. Like Jill asked, what if he told you down the line that he had SRS and born a genetic female? Me personally, I would feel hurt even if I had lied to him for as long as he lied to me. I would be hurt that he couldn't trust me with the biggest thing for him in his life. Which is why I would say before things got too far out of hand. Love hurts. Yeah I know a Nazerath tune, but true though. Even though it would be hipocritical and I lied to him even, it would still hurt me that he couldn't trust my love for him enough to tell me the biggest part of himself. Just like I am sure it would hurt him that I was forthright with him too.
No hon. It ain't fair in the least. You transitioned to be a woman and there are some idiots out there that will never see us as such no matter what. But there are some good guys that will and do. Life itself isn't fair. I mean you are a Christian and Christ was crucified. How fair is that? But he faced it head on though.
Truly it is a tough call on your part. But most things in life that are worth it are truly worth it. But never put yourself in harms way. Fish a little. Find out how and what he thinks of transgenders. And if the answer is something that you don't like or you find offensive, then he can never truly love you for all that you are. Yes you transitioned and are a woman but some people don't see it that way. Your friend was lucky. Some are not so lucky. But hint around. See what he thinks. If you don't like how he thinks, end it. You don't have to say anything else about it. Give some BS excuse as to why you are breaking it off. But Jaz, if he can't accept you as a woman as still being trans, then it isn't true love. No matter how much you want it to be. Just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they can't lust for another person. And there is a big difference between love and lust.
Truthfully, when I was younger I had always thought to myself "When I'm older & have my sex change, I'm never going to tell my husband & I'll just live happily ever after." but nowadays, it's hard to think like that because my ignorance of the real world has been somewhat deluded & now I understand that it's something very big & knowing my mom she would tell him because she's stupid. Plus, what if he wants to see my baby photos? I can't just lie my whole relationship away. It might be fine in the beginning but in the end, trust is what a relationship is built on & lieing is not a good foundation for trust.
If you don't tell him it will be a massive secret you will always be needing to keep extremely safeguarded and that can get very, very tiring and scary - one slip, or one "blast from the past" or unexpected incident could easily mean he would find out. I can pretty much guarantee you he won't take the news well. How he reacts depends on what kind of a person he really is. You should probably try to draw him out on the issue of trans people, if he gets abusive then I think you have your answer.
Here's the other thing. You said he loves you as a Christian girl. So you're going to marry him based on a lie, whether it be a lie by omission or an outright lie. Is that right? Your signature says you need to be true to yourself before you can be true to God. Hmm yeah that's good advice if you ask me.
So here's the thing. My wife is older and has two older kids outside the marriage. We are talking 10 years older than me. But she could have easily hidden the age from me because she looks young. But she told me up front. I kind of didn't like it at first and my parents raised hell. My brother even spilled the beans to my mom. But you know what? I realized that I love her and she had more to offer me than anyone else I was with. Certainly more than my superficial certified insane ex. And I grew to love her more and more.
So anyway it's your life but you will feel much better having someone who accepts you for who you are. That's what a marriage is I think. Otherwise what's the point?
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 14, 2014, 02:14:48 PM
Thank you everyone, I just don't know when to tell him. It's not fair, I transitioned to be a woman, but I can't live my life completely as a woman. I feel more myself with guys that don't know. I have a friend who didn't tell her husband for thirty years, and in the end he accepted her. I'm going to enjoy what's left if our relationship, before I tell him.
I was in a similiar situation, I dated my fiancé for nearly 18 months, he had no idea, I had a normal sexual relationship with him as a woman, all my girly bits completely passed, but when he proposed marriage and getting engaged, I told him, he was surprised and shocked but eventually and completely accepted me as a woman, if you are considering marriage you should tell him, then you'll never have to worry about it again.
I was very nervous telling him, but I was glad I did, it was a big weight off my shoulders, we never discuss it now.
Quote from: ImagineKate on November 14, 2014, 04:24:18 PM
So anyway it's your life but you will feel much better having someone who accepts you for who you are. That's what a marriage is I think. Otherwise what's the point?
I fully agree with that, my husband fully and completely accepts me as a woman he got to know and fell in love with.
There are no obligations...only consequences. I would've told soon after the dating started.
You're a Christian...may I suggest praying on it?
Hoping for the best for both of you.
:)
a lot of good advice
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 14, 2014, 02:14:48 PM
It's not fair....
I would think someone born transgendered would know life isn't fair.. Of course it's not fair, and as others have said you don't have to tell him. I just know I would hate to spend the rest of my life in fear of this "secret" being discovered and trying to keep all the lies straight.
I'll give another example. I was dating a guy for a long time and he decided it wasn't important to inform me he spent ten years in jail. He had made up lies about his past to cover this up, assuming I wouldn't be able to accept this part of his past. We ended up breaking up not because he had spent time in jail, but because he lied to me, assumed I wouldn't accept him because of his past (I honestly could care less and have been thrown in jail for short periods of time myself) and the trust was broken. And this was a detail in his life compared to someone changing their gender.
Quote from: Stephe on November 15, 2014, 08:32:32 AM
I would think someone born transgendered would know life isn't fair.. Of course it's not fair, and as others have said you don't have to tell him. I just know I would hate to spend the rest of my life in fear of this "secret" being discovered and trying to keep all the lies straight.
I'll give another example. I was dating a guy for a long time and he decided it wasn't important to inform me he spent ten years in jail. He had made up lies about his past to cover this up, assuming I wouldn't be able to accept this part of his past. We ended up breaking up not because he had spent time in jail, but because he lied to me, assumed I wouldn't accept him because of his past (I honestly could care less and have been thrown in jail for short periods of time myself) and the trust was broken. And this was a detail in his life compared to someone changing their gender.
I really agree. Life just plain out sux sometimes. But we aren't the only one that life isn't too. I would say life isn't fair to upwards to 90% of the population. It's just our unfairness is our lives, not necissarily consequences.
Ten years in jail? I guess it would depend what he was convicted of. But still like you said the trust issue is blown apart. If a guy couldn't trust me with that little bit of info about his life, what else can I not trust him about?
Jaz. Personally before it got any deeper I would start fishing and find out in a "what if game". "What if I were an alcoholic, would you still like me?" "If I used to be a bully, would you still like me?" Then lay it on him with something like, "What if you had dated a girl that was born a boy?" Little "games" like this ought to let you see his true character. If he says no problem then you can hit him with, "What if I were born a boy?" You can do this without telling him anything concrete about your past. So no. In my honest truthful opinion you are not obligated to tell him anything. A little "what if game" should go along way with showing you his true colors. But don;t put yourself in harm's way. But you do have an obligation to yourself to live a fullfilling happy life and if that big secret is always hanging over your head, chances are your life won't be quite as fullfilling as it should be. Just be careful and figure it out before you are too deep into it to avoid a broken heart. Or break his through a percieved betrayal.
If I were in that situation, I would absolutely have to let him know.
Not too long ago, I met a woman and we've become good friends. She didn't know I was trans and she didn't cop on. But I eventually told her. Things were getting awkward. We were becoming close and she was beginning to ask questions about my marriage, etc. It would have been very hard to keep the truth from her, and if I'd wanted to, I'd have had to come up with some big story to cover up a lot of things. And then I'd always have to remember what I'd told her and what I hadn't told her. I think I'd have become a nervous wreck. So much easier just to tell her, and if she didn't like it, she wasn't a friend anyway. As it turned out, she had no problem with it, and so there's no pressure on me.
I can't imagine how anyone could actually marry someone and not tell them something like this. No telling how many lies you'd have to tell--either by omission or commission. I can't see that being a happy situation.
Besides which, I think a spouse is entitled to know. Maybe it's not fair. But when you're trans, lots of things are hard where other people have them easier. Just the way it is. I can't imagine trying to hide something like this from a spouse.
Quote from: Foxglove on November 17, 2014, 01:45:49 PM
I can't imagine how anyone could actually marry someone and not tell them something like this. No telling how many lies you'd have to tell--either by omission or commission. I can't see that being a happy situation.
Me neither. But I can see why some are tempted to go "stealth all the way" because they want to be treated like a woman, and not a trans woman. I don't like the lying to your partner bit though, even if it's lying by omission. And I think it would be a rather difficult thing to do to remain stealth with the person you sleep with every night... not to mention, how the heck do you explain dilation?
Quote from: ImagineKate on November 17, 2014, 04:22:28 PM
Me neither. But I can see why some are tempted to go "stealth all the way" because they want to be treated like a woman, and not a trans woman. I don't like the lying to your partner bit though, even if it's lying by omission. And I think it would be a rather difficult thing to do to remain stealth with the person you sleep with every night... not to mention, how the heck do you explain dilation?
I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.
I've known a couple who have pulled it off. You have to believe that you are biological woman. Never lie. Just don't talk about the past. Leave it dead.
Hugs
Jen
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 17, 2014, 05:26:33 PM
I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.
Well, ultimately it is your life. If that's what makes you happy, and if that's what you want to do (it seems as though it is) then good for you.
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 17, 2014, 05:26:33 PM
I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.
I agree that this is your wisest course of action. While my experience may or may not have any relevance to you, I will share it just in case, (FWIW). My first husband of ten years never knew. My second husband never knew until after our divorce. I told my third before we got married and he married me anyway. I also told my current husband about six months into a highly sexual relationship after it became apparent to the both of us that things had evolved into something greater than just great sex. We ultimately married and have been together almost 15 years.
My advice to you is to play it by ear. If it feels like the real thing, then I think that you owe it to yourself to put all your cards on the table and go for broke. If it was meant to be, you'll be fine. If not, there is always the next guy.
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 17, 2014, 05:26:33 PM
I dated a wonderful young man for two years that never knew. I love being a biological woman in peoples' eyes. They treat me like me. I deserve to have a husband and children. It's not my fault I was born in this freakin body... I'm going to let things flow naturally.
You know Jaz, I don't even think in terms of biological male or female. Yeah it's there and a fact of life, but who you are too is also a fact of life. Love is a wonderful thing and really not to be taken too lightly. Especially if you believe it's true love. Boy meets girl and boy and girl fall for one another and so on. There are no fairytales. Love is way more than just caring about someone or thinking of them being your world and your theirs. The most meaningful relationships I have ever been in have been the ones where there were no secrets between us. We were vulnerable to one another and trusted one another with our vulnerabilities. Ok so I am trans. I am a woman if not by biology then through psychology. Someone that loves you will treat you the way you want to be treated and no less. They will see you as a woman and nothing more. They will treat you like a woman and nothing less. If they truly love you. If I was in the same set of circumstances as you, you pass extremely well it seems, no I wouldn't tell anyone else, wouldn't care about anyone else but I would be so afraid of being found out especially after I had fallen hard for someone. OK so I'm trans. If I met the most perfect guy and fell hard for him and ten years down the road he told me that he was a transman, I would be crushed. Not because he is a trans but because he didn't think enough of my love for him to trust me with that part of himself. Same way with a transwoman that I may fall for. I lay it all on the line for love. I want the extreme intimacy, I want to feel vulnerable and be able to trust that person with all of who, not just who I want to be or let them see. I am just like the way I want my true love to be and trust me with his or her vulnerabilities. It adds a whole different deeper level to the true meaning of love. Regardless, I know you are young and I was young once and I was really foolish once and lost the one true love that I have ever known because of fear of extreme intimacy or vulnerability because all this was present, but a fear of commitment. Yes he was little older but I was of legal age, I was 18 and he was 32.
On a lighter note though. Personally I wouldn't want to keep that secret about myself. As you can tell, I talk too much and I would definitely end up letting it out. But love without trust. I seriously doubt I could keep my mouth shut long enough to even keep something from them that big about myself. If you are having fun and just doing things that I would do, which you probably wouldn't from some of your posts and deep beliefs, that is fine. But believe me love can go way deeper than happily ever after and little white picket fences if you can give your lover all of your heart and soul and trust them with both.
Quote from: ImagineKate on November 17, 2014, 04:22:28 PM
how the heck do you explain dilation?
I don't have to explain, my husband is my dilator, but he knows my history.
Quote from: JLT1 on November 18, 2014, 05:45:04 PM
I've known a couple who have pulled it off. You have to believe that you are biological woman. Never lie. Just don't talk about the past. Leave it dead.
I fully agree Jen, we don't discuss my past, I'm a woman with a past which we just don't talk about, we leave it dead.
Quote from: pretty pauline on November 19, 2014, 02:46:37 PM
I don't have to explain, my husband is my dilator, but he knows my history.
Exactly.
Seeing your newest thread I also felt like responding to this one.
I don't really see it as an option. It isn't about gender. You were born with a handicap just as well how a cis woman could be incapable to give birth. It is only fair to let someone know instead of crushing dreams later on when they set their mind on it. He already been asking for it and no matter how you responded to it, its most likely a lie. Do you want to live a lie to the person closest to you? Also, you want to be happy. But is his happiness and being honest with him not part of that too?
It is understandable not wanting to tell about being transgender. People do tend to see you differently or treat you differently. But fill it in with an excuse then which suits for transgender problems. Give it a different name, or something. But don't go lying. It will add up and hit a lot harder later on.
Don't take this the wrong way but in my time I've seen some "good Christians" change in the blink of the eye and get real judgmental and lose understanding over things like this, please be careful....only you know his personality and hopefully what "breaking news" he can handle.
One thing you may want to consider on this. I do know this happens because of my career. Would you want him to find out you are trans while you are unconscious in an Emergency Room after a car accident or sudden illness? Being your husband they would be asking him for clearance for various types of procedures. This means the doctor will be asking questions like "When was her surgery", "What are her HRT dosages" and many others. Not to out you, but to make sure the care they provide is adequate and compatible for your health. This is one scenario even the most stealth person can be outed in. Stealth is a dream in todays world. Also should a devout Christian lie? I am a believer myself and would not even consider NOT telling my future spouse. The guilt will eat you up.
I personally would never enter a relationship with someone who didn't know I was trans. Being trans is a huge thing to just sweep it under the rug. Besides I want the man I'm with to accept me for my true self and lets not forget that we will never be cis. I just find hiding this from your partner a bit creepy and disingenuous. If he finds out not only can he dump you but sue yoxur a.. as well.
Quote from: Kirey on November 20, 2014, 07:22:22 AM
Seeing your newest thread I also felt like responding to this one.
I don't really see it as an option. It isn't about gender. You were born with a handicap just as well how a cis woman could be incapable to give birth. It is only fair to let someone know instead of crushing dreams later on when they set their mind on it. He already been asking for it and no matter how you responded to it, its most likely a lie. Do you want to live a lie to the person closest to you? Also, you want to be happy. But is his happiness and being honest with him not part of that too?
It is understandable not wanting to tell about being transgender. People do tend to see you differently or treat you differently. But fill it in with an excuse then which suits for transgender problems. Give it a different name, or something. But don't go lying. It will add up and hit a lot harder later on.
In general, I tend to agree with Kirey. The difficult and IMHO more important question is 'when' and 'how'. Nobody said it would be easy.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 20, 2014, 11:00:42 AM
Stealth is a dream in todays world.
Then I suppose the goal might be to
LIVE one's dreams.
QuoteThe guilt will eat you up
. Maybe yes, maybe no.
In my experience it did not.
Quote from: Susan522 on November 20, 2014, 11:56:03 AM
Then I suppose the goal might be to LIVE one's dreams.
But at what point does it become harmful and toxic to you, and to the ones you care about?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 20, 2014, 11:00:42 AM
One thing you may want to consider on this. I do know this happens because of my career. Would you want him to find out you are trans while you are unconscious in an Emergency Room after a car accident or sudden illness? Being your husband they would be asking him for clearance for various types of procedures. This means the doctor will be asking questions like "When was her surgery", "What are her HRT dosages" and many others. Not to out you, but to make sure the care they provide is adequate and compatible for your health. This is one scenario even the most stealth person can be outed in. Stealth is a dream in todays world. Also should a devout Christian lie? I am a believer myself and would not even consider NOT telling my future spouse. The guilt will eat you up.
As a former member of law enforcement I will second this. What if you get arrested? Your medical history as well as any names and identities that you may have used the in the past could come up. I've responded to many strange things including domestic violence and trust me a lot of things come out and the end result is not pretty. Save yourself the trouble.
In fact here in NJ when you change your name it's published in the newspaper. I'm not sure what the process is in California but it's possible if someone goes digging deep enough they will find stuff.
I've just never understood why anyone here would even want to date a transphobe.
Quote from: Shodan on November 20, 2014, 09:07:01 PM
But at what point does it become harmful and toxic to you, and to the ones you care about?
I honestly cannot answer that. I don't know. I have never had that problem.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 20, 2014, 11:00:42 AM
Also should a devout Christian lie? I am a believer myself and would not even consider NOT telling my future spouse. The guilt will eat you up.
Catholics believe in forming their consciences. I personally was thought as a teenager not to tell anyone. I grew up only disclosing my as female. I went to high school as a regular girl. The only two boyfriends I've ever had didn't know. This is very difficult, because I've also convinced myself I am a girl, so know one should know anything about my childhood. My conscience, my heart, and God tell me, I am God's daughter. I believe I am not lying, but it would be sinful if I hurt him when he finds out... I have to tell him, thanks Jessica. No one deserves to feel hurt by someone they love and trust. Thanks to all of you I understand that at least the person who I should share everything has the right to know, because truth is love. God bless you all.
Quote from: mynees on November 20, 2014, 11:15:31 AM
Wait a moment. You're pre-op and you dated a wonderful young man for two years without him knowing? I don't get it... How the **** wouldn't he figured out?
I'm Christian I'm not planning on having sex till a Christian marriage, you shouldn't either.
You appear to live in CA.. Here's a thought..
Say you don't disclose and marry a guy.. And a few years down the track he finds out and chooses to divorce you. Having seen what the divorce process was like for a friend, I can almost guarantee that any divorce that he instigates as a result of his discovery is going to be very, very costly for you.
Quote from: Jaz650 on November 20, 2014, 11:53:20 PM
Catholics believe in forming their consciences. I personally was thought as a teenager not to tell anyone. I grew up only disclosing my as female. I went to high school as a regular girl. The only two boyfriends I've ever had didn't know. This is very difficult, because I've also convinced myself I am a girl, so know one should know anything about my childhood. My conscience, my heart, and God tell me, I am God's daughter. I believe I am not lying, but it would be sinful if I hurt him when he finds out... I have to tell him, thanks Jessica. No one deserves to feel hurt by someone they love and trust. Thanks to all of you I understand that at least the person who I should share everything has the right to know, because truth is love. God bless you all.
Seriously though Jaz, If he can't love you for all that you are now and ever was, then he isn't worth it. Seriously though no on else has to know but that will definitely put love to the test and if he can't accept you for
everything you are or ever was, then his isn't a true love and you deserve so much more than that. We are all God's daughters and sons regardless of genetalia or birth gender. Our Spirits are From God, our bodies come from this world and will eventually become part of this planet again after our Spirits have vacated the Earthly vessels we inhabit. But you deserve to be loved and cherished for everything about you, not just an image. And accept no less. Anything less isn't true or worth it.
This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?
Actually, I think we should tell them. It will hurt them when they find out for themselves, and we shouldn't hurt the people we love. I guess that's true, even if in the end we end up being hurt. :(
Quote from: TSJasmine on November 21, 2014, 12:30:42 AM
This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?
Because a marriage based off of mistrust won't last regardless of whether or not he finds out.
Quote from: TSJasmine on November 21, 2014, 12:30:42 AM
This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?
Because we live in an Information Age in 2014 and it's very easy to find out stuff if you really go looking.
Let's say he suspects that you're cheating. He hires a PI. The PI digs up info about you and finds out your old name, and that is enough to raise suspicion. As a matter of fact if you've had certain licenses from the federal government or other interaction with the government, especially law enforcement, your entire history is public record and available freely on the Internet. It's not hard to find stuff about people these days and it's better he hears it from you rather than finding it out on his own.
Here's a question for those saying they should not let potential spouses know - what if you manage to get by without revealing your secret, you adopt children, and then... one of those kids turns out to be trans.
Imagine that for a moment. If your spouse could not handle you being trans, how will they handle a child being trans? Will you stay with your spouse even as they demean and deny your child's identity?
I know this is an unlikely scenario but think about it even still. Will you stand there as your husband and his friends make jokes about she-males, ->-bleeped-<-s, and men in dresses? Why would you marry someone like that anyway?
1 Cor: 4-8
QuoteLove is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?
Quote from: TSJasmine on November 21, 2014, 12:30:42 AM
This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?
What childish advice. It's called honesty. There's only so much you can bend the truth until it becomes deception.
Quote from: LizMarie on November 21, 2014, 11:02:35 AM
Here's a question for those saying they should not let potential spouses know - what if you manage to get by without revealing your secret, you adopt children, and then... one of those kids turns out to be trans.
Imagine that for a moment. If your spouse could not handle you being trans, how will they handle a child being trans? Will you stay with your spouse even as they demean and deny your child's identity?
I know this is an unlikely scenario but think about it even still. Will you stand there as your husband and his friends make jokes about she-males, ->-bleeped-<-s, and men in dresses? Why would you marry someone like that anyway?
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?
+1
I think whether or not it's an unlikely scenario is irrelevant. You brought up a wise point that makes people think again. Truth is, it could happen to anyone... And I agree, why would you get involved in a long-term relationship with a partner that can't appreciate what you've overcome to get to where you are now, or that has such a demeaning attitude toward trans*folk? If they don't like it, they don't need me in their life, and I don't need them in my life.
Quote from: TSJasmine on November 21, 2014, 12:30:42 AM
This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?
Because if he finds out, the marriage, no matter how long it lasted, can go up in smoke in a matter of seconds if it turns out he can't handle it.
I understand why you're suffering. It can be a real pain. We transitioned to be ourselves finally, yet have the past haunting us. Still, no matter how difficult it may be, I would want my husband to know. Simply because I can't hide something so major in my life and that has shaped the way I am. Why would I marry someone who wouldn't accept for who I am? That goes for anything really. If we want an honest relationship, we must first and foremost be honest with ourselves.
Quote from: LizMarie on November 21, 2014, 11:02:35 AM
Here's a question for those saying they should not let potential spouses know - what if you manage to get by without revealing your secret, you adopt children, and then... one of those kids turns out to be trans.
Imagine that for a moment. If your spouse could not handle you being trans, how will they handle a child being trans? Will you stay with your spouse even as they demean and deny your child's identity?
I know this is an unlikely scenario but think about it even still. Will you stand there as your husband and his friends make jokes about she-males, ->-bleeped-<-s, and men in dresses? Why would you marry someone like that anyway?
1 Cor: 4-8
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?
Exactly. I know there are people out there but I can't ever even dream of someone treating a child like that. I know it happens though with genetic children even. And that is sad and pitiful on the parent's part. What ever happened to
unconditional love?
I agree this is an excellent thread and very relevant for those planning on/hoping to develop a long term lasting relationship in a traditional M/F marriage.
When I was young and met my first husband, I had just spent the past few years establishing my life and confidence as a woman. At the time, I saw his proposal for marriage as just the next step in my evolution to normalcy. I saw no reason to upset the proverbial applecart. In retrospect, hindsight, I now see my expectations to have been youthfully naïve. Good looks, great sex and lots of money are not the keys to a lasting, loving, long term relationship. My medical history never came up. The reasons for my dissatisfaction with the marriage was the lack of that deep personal connection, (on all levels), that for me, was essential.
This was pretty much the same reason at the root of what caused my waling away from my second ten year marriage although in this case, I believe it was my underestimating the extent of my husbands drinking problem that allowed for that crucial inability to form that needed bond. Again, my history never came up.
In an effort to "come clean" about "everything" about me and my past, I did bring up my medical history, (now more than twenty years in the past), when my third husband proposed to me. I think that his response is very relevant to this discussion. What he said to me was, "Your past, is long past and does not matter to me. You are a woman now, and I love you. That is all that matters." I think what is relevant is that what he perceived me to be, was in fact who/what I was. That "issue" never came up again.
That marriage was short lived for reasons not relevant to this discussion, but essentially it was that same lack intimate personal/spiritual(?) connection that I needed to make things work for me.
I met my current husband of almost fifteen years just after the turning of the second millennium. I had little inkling that what was initially little more than just a highly satisfying sexual relationship would evolve into that long sought after, uniquely human, closeness that we now share. Did I tell him? Yes I did. I told him after we had both come to the realization that we had both finally stumbled upon that most precious of gems. The unconditional love of another human being. His learning of my past changed nothing. We continue to share a deep and abiding love for each other and our life together and....an active and rewarding sex life.
Yes. Life is good. Getting here was not easy, but neither was it impossibly hard. All it really took was simple hard work, focus, persistence and determination.
I wouldn't be too worried. I would just take him aside later and tell him that if our 'trans daughter' heard what he was saying that it could emotionally hurt her and to be a little careful on what he says. Calling ->-bleeped-<- jokes might be his way of venting frustration over the issue. And I guess it is ok... As for him handling our child being trans, he won't be attracted to her so it isn't a judgement on his manliness and changing aspects of his attitude wil be a little easier. Besides he also adopted our child so he needs to work things out too. Even if he finds the whole trans thing difficult, he can still be respectful. If marrying him , I would because our relationship would be based on more than TG stuff.
1 Cor: 4-8
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?
Our love would have no basis on trans. As I am a woman first and formost. If he disapproves of transpeople and yet loves me, then he sees me as female only and that is what I need.
Quote from: DanielleA on November 21, 2014, 03:14:38 PM
I wouldn't be too worried. I would just take him aside later and tell him that if our 'trans daughter' heard what he was saying that it could emotionally hurt her and to be a little careful on what he says. Calling ->-bleeped-<- jokes might be his way of venting frustration over the issue. And I guess it is ok... As for him handling our child being trans, he won't be attracted to her so it isn't a judgement on his manliness and changing aspects of his attitude wil be a little easier. Besides he also adopted our child so he needs to work things out too. Even if he finds the whole trans thing difficult, he can still be respectful. If marrying him , I would because our relationship would be based on more than TG stuff.
1 Cor: 4-8
If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?
Our love would have no basis on trans. As I am a woman first and formost. If he disapproves of transpeople and yet loves me, then he sees me as female only and that is what I need.
What if he sees trans women as not being real women? Would you want to marry someone like that, who in reality doesn't love what you really are?
Quote from: ImagineKate on November 21, 2014, 03:38:10 PM
What if he sees trans women as not being real women? Would you want to marry someone like that, who in reality doesn't love what you really are?
I know this wasn't quoted from me but feel I need to but my two cents in. No. Who I love I love everything about them even the parts I may not be so keen to, but I accept those things and love the person for who they are. I would hope they could do the same to me. That is real love. Could be why the divorce rate in the US is nearly 50% too. Because people fall in love with an image and not the true person with all the ugly facts of life known. Well between that and infidelity too.
Quote from: ImagineKate on November 21, 2014, 03:38:10 PM
What if he sees trans women as not being real women? Would you want to marry someone like that, who in reality doesn't love what you really are?
Perhaps you are mixing up or equating two different concepts. You refer to 'trans' women and 'real' women. Just by using those two different qualifiers or adjectives, you are positing a difference. I am not arguing this point with you, as I agree, there
are differences.
I guess the nuance here lies in just how you define 'trans'. I realize that this is a contentious area but one which IMO, needs to be addressed if one is to move on to your second question, "...what you really are".
As was asked in another thread; "Is there a point where/at which, one ceases to be trans?"
Quote from: Susan522 on November 21, 2014, 06:25:54 PM
Perhaps you are mixing up or equating two different concepts. You refer to 'trans' women and 'real' women. Just by using those two different qualifiers or adjectives, you are positing a difference. I am not arguing this point with you, as I agree, there are differences.
I guess the nuance here lies in just how you define 'trans'. I realize that this is a contentious area but one which IMO, needs to be addressed if one is to move on to your second question, "...what you really are".
As was asked in another thread; "Is there a point where/at which, one ceases to be trans?"
Just watch where everyone goes with this thinking. It is held as a opinion and should be referenced as such.
Some hold exception to that fact and causes distress.
Tread lightly.
I am nobody even close to being an expert on relationships but I would be perfectly honest with him and if he wants kids and you tell him you can't have them he will want to know why not. If he truly loves you be will understand and if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Just my two cents.
Quote from: Susan522 on November 21, 2014, 06:25:54 PM
"...what you really are".
I'm just me. If someone loves me, they love me for the good, the bad and the ugly. they will love me trans or cis and treat me the way I want to be treated and see me as I see myself. Same when I love someone. I have yet to meet one person that was perfect in the true sense of the word. Perfect for me oh yeah. But if I'm not perfect for them then they really aren't perfect for me. This is just me but I donlt take love lightly and it takes me a while to even be able to say it. Oh I can feel it for sure. But saying it is kind of like going all in playing cards. Almost like coming out of the closet. Once you are out then no way you can go back and once you say those three powerful words there is no talking them back.
whoa. I saw this and just HAD to throw in my two cents. I won't go into my past qualifications, but I am well versed in things transgender. Welcome to the ultimate conundrum. This is the point where we will ALWAYS be transgenders. I once heard a horrifying news story from Texas. When the fiance found out, he sued under the legal theory of "transsexual fraud" to recover a college education expense and a new car. I never heard the outcome or the clarification on point of law. Here are some things to think about. V.A. doc tells me that I need prostrate exams (I'm 67, veteran, and 21 years post-op). An old acquaintence has (horrors) prostrate cancer that went undetected for some time. Later in life, kids are not as much an issue, but younger T's have to deal with the issue. There is no easy answer and lying your way into a marriage will come back at you out of some unforseen direction. My 2 cents......it is infinitely better to tell him now than to have to tell him after he has invested so much in you. I often refer to it as the "golden cage". It is a hell of your own making as the lie goes on and on and on........If he is truly a wonderful guy he will need time to think, but he might just stay with you. It just happened here in the bay area and it was such a relief for all involved that he was accepting. Best of luck to you.
I don't know, I only know that as a human being you can do what ever you can possibly conceive of doing, but if I was the SO I think just out of a sense off fair consideration I'd be greatly appreciative if my partner wanted to be on that depth of a level of a relationship with me.
Quote from: Susan522 on November 21, 2014, 06:25:54 PM
Perhaps you are mixing up or equating two different concepts. You refer to 'trans' women and 'real' women. Just by using those two different qualifiers or adjectives, you are positing a difference. I am not arguing this point with you, as I agree, there are differences.
I guess the nuance here lies in just how you define 'trans'. I realize that this is a contentious area but one which IMO, needs to be addressed if one is to move on to your second question, "...what you really are".
As was asked in another thread; "Is there a point where/at which, one ceases to be trans?"
It is not me defining anything. I am pointing out what society views us and cis women as.
Absolutely there is a difference between trans and cis. However you and I and many other enlightened people consider trans and cis women to be "real" women. But reality is that many also don't consider trans and cis women to be equal. And my contention is that if you marry someone who believes the latter rather than the former, are you really marrying someone who loves you? Or are you marrying someone who loves a façade? I am absolutely NOT saying simply being trans is a façade but non disclosure absolutely is.
Is there a point where someone ceases to be trans? I don't really think so. Yes, "trans" is a journey but at the end of the journey you will still have the miles logged and the start point.
I have a good comparison - I am a naturalized U.S. citizen. I was not born an American Citizen. But I am one now. Should people view me as just a citizen? Absolutely. However I cannot run for President and I will have to disclose it to certain people. Does it bother me? Kind of. Do people treat me a bit differently? Some do but most people do not. More importantly some people will NEVER see me as a "real" American. Do I want them in my life? Absolutely not. I have no time for such losers. I think being trans is similar. You were not born in your affirmed gender. That is reality. Some people will always view you for your past and not your present or future. In the case of your life partner you do not want to take the chance that they wanted someone who was born a certain way and they realized that they did not marry who they want. And no, no one else has to know but them, just like I show my passport as proof of citizenship instead of my naturalization certificate.
The whole, to explain who you are, be accepted and whether to tell your future husband or not; Just be you. Don't make a big deal of it. The bigger you make it the bigger they see it.
I notice(d) that people who live life as being trans and stand in it very casually have the least issues. That isn't because they have less issues but because they make less issues.
Back to Jaz though, could you tell how everything goes? I hope it goes well for you ^^. Just don't worry about it too much. I know that is easier said than done but you are you and should be proud of who you are. Even if you were born in a somewhat handicapped body. If he would suddenly change his mind (which I doubt) then he is narrow minded and insecure. That is not your fault.
I don't think you're obligated to per se. The thing is though, if he's your husband, he's going to find out sooner or later, and you have to consider how he's going to react when he finds out. If he's an open minded type he might not care, but he still might be disappointed that he didn't find it out from you first.
Quote from: ImagineKate on November 22, 2014, 07:00:12 AM
It is not me defining anything. I am pointing out what society views us and cis women as.
Absolutely there is a difference between trans and cis. However you and I and many other enlightened people consider trans and cis women to be "real" women. But reality is that many also don't consider trans and cis women to be equal. And my contention is that if you marry someone who believes the latter rather than the former, are you really marrying someone who loves you? Or are you marrying someone who loves a façade? I am absolutely NOT saying simply being trans is a façade but non disclosure absolutely is.
Is there a point where someone ceases to be trans? I don't really think so. Yes, "trans" is a journey but at the end of the journey you will still have the miles logged and the start point.
I have a good comparison - I am a naturalized U.S. citizen. I was not born an American Citizen. But I am one now. Should people view me as just a citizen? Absolutely. However I cannot run for President and I will have to disclose it to certain people. Does it bother me? Kind of. Do people treat me a bit differently? Some do but most people do not. More importantly some people will NEVER see me as a "real" American. Do I want them in my life? Absolutely not. I have no time for such losers. I think being trans is similar. You were not born in your affirmed gender. That is reality. Some people will always view you for your past and not your present or future. In the case of your life partner you do not want to take the chance that they wanted someone who was born a certain way and they realized that they did not marry who they want. And no, no one else has to know but them, just like I show my passport as proof of citizenship instead of my naturalization certificate.
Thank you for such a well thought out and articulated response. You have clearly and succinctly articulated those issues that, IMHO, are at the heart of this discussion.
First: We agree that yes, there are real and significant differences between those who were actually born female with all the right parts
and with a neurology to match, and those whose parts did not match. And yes while those physical mismatches can be successfully addressed, there will always be differences. As you noted, these differences may, or may not, be of significance to a potential life partner.
As to the second question, "Is there a point where someone ceases to be trans?"...I hold a different opinion, and here is why. I do not see transition as a never ending journey. Yes, one's life - my life - can be seen as a journey. It can also be seen as a learning/growing experience. In fact, it can be perceived/described in any number of ways. That of course is a large and complicated topic unrelated to this post and ultimately it is up to the individual just how they perceive/describe their own life. For many, it could easily be perceived/described as a 'living hell'.
I do not see
transition as a journey. I see it as a process of
changing, "transitioning", certain aspects of our bodies, and ultimately our actual "selves", to be congruent with whom we perceive/understand ourselves to be. There was another thread here on this forum where tat issued was raised and in my opinion, adequately addressed. Many of those who commented saw the end of their transition as that point when they started living full time. Others saw SRS as the "end".
I am unable to actually pinpoint that time or event that marked 'The End' for me. I do know that it is long past and long forgotten. Of course this does not preclude those times when I have to see my MD to renew my Rx scripts, and obviously I am here discussing these issues and experiences, but in terms of my Real Life, away from this Cyper-world, my past has no relevance whatsoever.
This is why I seem to be constantly haranguing people on just what does it mean to be "trans"? Based on what I have seen/read in many of these forums, the feeling seems to be that "trans" should be seen as some protected minority population of those who do not conforms to society's gender norms. If this is in fact the case, perhaps that is why it is so difficult for those of us who
do accept those norms, to "identify" as trans*.
Quote from: ImagineKate on November 22, 2014, 07:00:12 AM
I have a good comparison - I am a naturalized U.S. citizen. I was not born an American Citizen. But I am one now. Should people view me as just a citizen? Absolutely. However I cannot run for President and I will have to disclose it to certain people. Does it bother me? Kind of. Do people treat me a bit differently? Some do but most people do not. More importantly some people will NEVER see me as a "real" American. Do I want them in my life? Absolutely not. I have no time for such losers. I think being trans is similar. You were not born in your affirmed gender. That is reality. Some people will always view you for your past and not your present or future.
That is a great analogy. And while I do feel transition "ends" for many people, we really are a sum of our past experiences. I know personally I am way past the point where I "feel transgendered". In the circle of friends/people I interact with, I'm just "one of the girls", which was my goal. Most do know my past and they don't seem to treat me any differently because of it.
I do know some people who never really transition, they live "trans", all their friends are trans, they live for their bi-weekly supports groups (plural) and all they ever talk about is trans related stuff. That isn't a place I have any interest in being. "Trans" to me was the period of time I spent between genders.
So I guess I feel there are two parts to this, the transition period and simply the fact I was born in a male body but am a woman. I can't change my past. I'm not proud nor ashamed of it. It just is what it is and I'm not going to spend a lot of effort trying to hide it. I never sold girl scout cookies etc and I'm not going to make up stuff that never happened in some attempt to hide it.
I know a perfectly passable girl who's male partner of ten years never was told by her. He found out, end of relationship.
We are all different and ultimately it is your decision. Personally, I'm up front about who I am, even though I don't have to announce and introduce myself to everyone as being transgender female. So you don't have to tell anyone anything unless you want to start creating mutual trust between each other and loved ones. That's just my opinion and great to hear you have a nice guy in your life. Peace.
I think you should tell him (even though you don't have to), for your own sanity. The reason being that, if he truly loves you, it won't mean anything to him. You're still the same person you always were - and I think that he will see that.
However, if you hide this from him, there will always be a deep seated fear for the rest of your life that he will find out and react horribly. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him.
I think it would be good for your sanity to get that out of the way, so that your fears don't get in the way of your relationship.
Quote from: laura.cornwell.779 on December 02, 2014, 11:20:40 PM
I know a perfectly passable girl who's male partner of ten years never was told by her. He found out, end of relationship.
Yes. That is a real risk.
Quote from: KatelynRain on December 03, 2014, 09:03:53 AM
I think you should tell him (even though you don't have to), for your own sanity. The reason being that, if he truly loves you, it won't mean anything to him. You're still the same person you always were - and I think that he will see that.
However, if you hide this from him, there will always be a deep seated fear for the rest of your life that he will find out and react horribly. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him.
I think it would be good for your sanity to get that out of the way, so that your fears don't get in the way of your relationship.
I agree.
I realize this has been stated by many but who really knows at what point the balance tips sooo.... Tell him only if you believe your relatiionship should be based on honesty. Dani
*** massive hug ***
:) There are some good guys out there.
congrats
That's really awesome Jaz!
Awww I'm so happy for you! :) Congrats!