Pardon me first if this topic is rambly in any way as it is an extremely hard one for me to post.
I have run into a HUGE roadblock in therapy and have no idea what to do about it. It was mentally devastating to me and I broke down the whole hour. My problem is with myself and not being able to accept myself as far as the birth defect. It started out as a good session, but revealed a problem with my thoughts. It turned when we started to talk about future relationships which is something we have not really touched on to this point. Being retired and on a very fixed poverty level paycheck and with Medicare refusing to adequately reimburse surgeons for SRS I know I will never get to have it. I have to some degree accepted that fact. The question I was presented is how will this affect my future as far as any possible romantic relationships. Suddenly it hit me. I have always had plans for post op, but never plans for what if it is not possible. Reality hit me at that point. I will be a non op transgirl the rest of my life. I started to cry and he asked me why. I told him I could never be with anyone as a non op. I was asked why and I told the therapist someone on a very off chance may accept me this way, but I can't. The reason in my mind may be illogical and it is because I would always worry in my mind the person was only with me for the birth defect and not my heart and love. I am a woman and women do not have that ugly dangling wart, but are beautiful creatures whole and natural. I feel the minute I revealed myself to someone it would be all over for me because of my embarrassment over being deformed. This led to the discussion being directed to how I am with others now. It was discovered that I am sabotaging any attempts from people to get to know me. I look back and see how I direct the attention of someone talking to me to others and suggest they are prettier, younger and more vital and alive than I am. The thought now of being intimate with someone and them seeing me as I am sickens me. I am literally my worst enemy. This compounds my fears of being alone and is driving me to a dark place that I do not want to go to. I know my thoughts should not be this way and it bothers me I cannot get past this roadblock. Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice for dealing with this? Yes, I am working with my therapist on this, but he is not trans so I want someone's opinion who may have had these feelings and how you overcame them. Thank you even if it is just reading this. :(
Hugs
I doubt I could help you over all but right now try to get to if not a happy place then to some place that you are comfortable with. Spend time with your son and go out have a good time try to get rid of relationship stress for the time being and later on after you have had time to rest (couple months imo) then revisit this question with a clearer mind. You are recovering from a massive poo storm, now is not the time to stress out over things.
All I can really say is that some people really do see you for you. I used to feel way worse about being non-op than I do now. My partner took all my fears away and made me feel beautiful, even if I am stuck with parts I'm not particularly thrilled with. I know she only sees a normal woman when she looks at me, and that made me feel so, so much better about myself.
*hugs* I wish I could help more. I know others will probably have more useful things to say, but I at least wanted you to know that I read your post and I care.
Oh sweetie here is a big (((hug))) from me. I'm in the same boat as you and all I can do is hope and pray that there will be a surgeon some day that will take us. I'm going to keep on fighting for this any way that I can. We should team up and fight this together...! what do you say??? Hang in there honey the tomorrow is another day.
Melissa Ann
Its way to early to give up.
I sent a PM
Hugs.
Hugs, Jessica. It sounds like it was a very difficult but very important therapy session. The good thing is that you are now aware of a destructive self sabotaging behaviour and can hopefully remember to stop yourself next time you notice yourself doing it (not easy at first, but with practice...)
I take your point about the defect, likewise I see mine as a massive impediment to having a relationship (my current self sabotaging behaviour is to not even bother looking for someone). But I do feel, rightly or wrongly, that if I put some effort into it I'd probably do OK. Accepting myself, defect and all, as a caring loving person was the first important step. I hope to get SRS next year, but I guess if I can't I'm going to have to deal with that. Anyone would be lucky to be in a relationship with me, and the same for you Jessica. You are not your defect, you are a passionate, caring woman. You're going through a rough patch I know, but things should pick up, you deserve to be happy and be in a relationship with someone who accepts you for who you are, but that acceptance has to come from yourself first. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 14, 2014, 04:14:43 PM
...women ... are beautiful creatures whole and natural.
Yeah, I dunno. I've met some rather hideous women. And the ones that look beautiful on the outside are quite often the ugliest on the inside anyway. ;)
But also there are also many unfortunate women who have other birth defects or scars as the result of accidents or attacks, it doesn't make them less of a woman just as our defect doesn't.
Oh Sis. Just be yourself. If someone doesn't like it, screw them. Radblocksyou put up to protect your self from what you think you need to be protected from.
And yes some women have that "ugly thing" dangling. That isn't what makes a woman hon. OK so I know I will probagbly get a warning but Bailey Jay can pretty much have any man she wants (look at all the so called straight fuys on youtube replying to videos of hers)and she has the "ugly thing". It is what is inside that counts. You don't have to end up alone. That is an unfounded fear. There is always someone that will accept and see you for you. But in the same token you have to see them for them. Everyone has faults and something that we may not like to much in them but that is the key to finding love is accepeting what you don't like about them right along with what you do like about them. That is what leads to real and true love. Not physical genders or past life experiences.
Jessica, you are not deformed. You are you. And you are Jessica,now roar like a lioness and stop it, OK?
Big hug! It sounds like the therapy is working to me, you're figuring out your issues. I'm not sure why you said this: "I will be a non op transgirl the rest of my life" You'll be a non-op transgirl until you come up with the funding or the insurance changes. What do we always say about those permanent answers and solutions?
Just keep your eyes on the prize: A happy you.
Hugs, Devlyn
I am not giving up on life, so please don't take this topic that way at all. I am just having a lot of anguish over things in the now with no foreseeable relief. I fought this long ti live, so I sure am not going to throw life away now. :)
Is there a way you could get private insurance, say as a domestic partner, that covers GRS? Maybe there is a Paramedic or firefighter that would love to meet you. You have so much to offer an open minded partner. I think you underestimate just how unique and beautiful you are and how much you have to offer.
Oh Jessica you are so awesome to be so vulnerable and share your harsh reality stuff with us. First, you admirably own it and you know that is huge cause you're the only one who can make the critical difference in how you look at yourself. Even if you are currently in a non op place you know you are not your genitals or the wart as you say. I hope you will take a chance on romance. Dating is that dance of disclosure and a long engagement period may help you identify what is important to both of you. Would you want some guy who would dump you cause your trans, preop or not, anyway? You also know of some very successful non op girls here that have maintained intimate partners or found new love. You can do it too. We believe in you!
Hang on Sweetie
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 14, 2014, 05:41:32 PM
I am not giving up on life, so please don't take this topic that way at all. I am just having a lot of anguish over things in the now with no foreseeable relief. I fought this long ti live, so I sure am not going to throw life away now. :)
I know you're not, I was just saying don't give up on surgery and your goals just because you can't see the way now.
Hugs, Devlyn
Oh Jess I know how you feel entirely :)
I've never been in any form of relationship, but I hope i can only say that for a.little while longer. You are an incredible woman defect or no, and you deserve to be loved by someone who accepts you wholeheartedly in every conceivable way!!!!
And where there's a will there's a way ;)
Just cause srs is not possible as of right now doesn't mean that you'll never get there, just plan for the the worst and hope for the best :) <3
I just want to say, there are people that are attracted to pre-op, my friend is she likes it. I know some guys that like it. I find pre-op attractive as well. I can look past the deformity and I don't think I will remove/change mine. What does that make me? You have to love yourself before you can let others love you. I think we all have that to learn. :icon_hug:
Sorry if what I said is odd or offensive, I am not trying to be.
Love,
Jade
I am secure in myself and know someone will be lucky to have me. Hope that doesn't sound too full of myself. Anyway, it is not their problem it is mine. That stupid birth defect is the single biggest cause of misery in my life. Total Dysphoria overload. I want it gone like Explorers want leeches off of them. Someone else may accept it, but like I said I can't. G-D it is so gross and icky. If you see a sale on blenders somewhere PM me. Blenders take Medicare!! ;D
For me, if I or my the*apist encounters a major emotional element, it's best to "let it go" for awhile. You may have discovered this prematurely--even if only by a few days--and now it seems to have overwhelmed you.
*hugs*
Breathe, let go of the constant "defect" mindset--you are perfect as you are. And yes, there are people out there (male and female, in-between or themselves) who will accept YOU, regardless of any part or part-less-ness.
Breathe, find a peaceful place in you, and learn to accept "that part." It is, after all, a part of you, whether or not it is a defect.
I wish I could say something to help! But I'm in the same boat. I am very lonely and try not to dwell on the fact I will be alone the rest of my life.....and its my own damn fault. The thing is I am happy with who I am, and experience life as any other woman my age does....until it comes to intimacy :( But like you said...my dysphoria with what I have left creates much insecurity within me.
So many people think I live such a great life, many woman even appear jealous and treat me like I'm some bitch. I know this because some have gotten to know me and are surprised that I am so nice. I think I also intimidate men...though this is a shock to me!! Many times on dating sites I get replies thinking my profile is fake....or at least my pics..... Ya nuts! I sure wouldn't put a pic of me on if it was fake! I do try and date and do as much as any other female....but once things get so far I have to say goodbye. I have tried to be truthful, but the same outcome happens :(
What makes things even worse, is the feeling I have when I self gratify. It has become so intense, it feels 100% female! One may ask how do I know? Well its as if I have had them like this all my life and they feel so natural. TMI but they do not involve any anal penetration, its all with basically what would be my clit :/ Sorry to bring this up, but its also something that causes me much dysphoria, on one hand the pleasure of them and the feeling of being literally being penetrated is so intense, but after I then realize what it is I really have :(
I can't say that having GRS will completely change everything, I still can't hide my past. But like you I know it would make me feel 110% more secure with being a normal woman. I'm about 95% secure now! We will get there girl!! :) someday, somehow, we will :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 14, 2014, 10:13:40 PM
I am secure in myself and know someone will be lucky to have me. Hope that doesn't sound too full of myself. Anyway, it is not their problem it is mine. That stupid birth defect is the single biggest cause of misery in my life. Total Dysphoria overload. I want it gone like Explorers want leeches off of them. Someone else may accept it, but like I said I can't. G-D it is so gross and icky. If you see a sale on blenders somewhere PM me. Blenders take Medicare!! ;D
OMG. Sis, The first part had me cheering. The last part tough kind of lost me. I read the first part and was thinking, "Oh hell yeah." The second part though? Warning: Dont make me cry. ;) But seriously though, please don't make me cry. :'( It is way too easy for me.
The first part you really need to instill in yourself. Foget the latter part. Who cares? Really though, who cares? Any guy worth their manhood would with you. I do have to add as long as you are compatable with each other. The truth is sometimes two people aren't compatable with one another. God knows I've had my share of guys and girls that were not compatable with me. Then move on to the next.
Yeah. It is not a birth defect as much as you have to overcome it. So my clitoris is XXL. I can still make a man feel like a man and then some in other ways than having a "V". OMFG. :embarrassed: I just can't go in further detail. That was embarassing enough. But sis, never give up. Love is something special, never to be taken lightly and usually when you least expect it, it will kick you in the butt and then take your breath away. But you have to be open to it though. Does ay of that male sense. He may not be an Adonis but maybe perfect for you. I.ve been in relationships tha I though " no way" when they hit on me. But the personality was extremely compatable with mine.
Never give up. We all would all love to have lovers tha looked like Brad Pitt but the truth is we and even cis women don't have lovers that look like Brad. Unless you are Angelina Jolie. OMG . There are transwomen way prettier than her anyway. But love is love.
Hi Honey,
I'm going to take a slightly different tack. I think your therapy session has been profoundly important and also underscore something that we all tend to forget. Your ability to have a meaningful relationship with a man is not really changed by having a vagina. If a guy wants you as a friend, partner, supporter and lover, he wants you because you fulfill those aspects of his life. Similarly in choosing a man I have never checked out what his penis looks like as a requirement to being attracted to him. What is between his ears is far more important than what is between his legs.
Your success or lack of success with men won't really change post surgery. I know many post op women who are looking but haven't found a partner. Surgery is not the 'get out of gaol' card, it is obviously something that many of us desire. But please don't make it the end game for forming a relationship.
That said the frustration of not being able to get your surgery at the moment is totally understandable; but it is something that can be worked on; at least I hope it is because I'm a 100 days away and flat broke so I need to find the 'something' pretty damn quickly. ::)
This journey is incredibly complicated, I don't recognise myself from six months ago, I doubt that I will in another six, so never give in, never stop pushing, and when you do meet Mr right, he will be one very lucky guy.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 14, 2014, 04:14:43 PM
women do not have that ugly dangling wart
Ouch. Some do and there's nothing wrong with that.
(((((((Jessica)))))))
Quote from: Cindy on November 15, 2014, 12:58:40 AM
Hi Honey,
I'm going to take a slightly different tack. I think your therapy session has been profoundly important and also underscore something that we all tend to forget. Your ability to have a meaningful relationship with a man is not really changed by having a vagina.
Your success or lack of success with men won't really change post surgery. I know many post op women who are looking but haven't found a partner. Surgery is not the 'get out of gaol' card, it is obviously something that many of us desire. But please don't make it the end game for forming a relationship.
Hi Cindy, I do understand it does not magically fix things. I really do know that. Like I said it is my issue alone. Maybe it goes back to being a cop suspicious of everyone or the tons of ->-bleeped-<-s we all deal with online. In my mind if it is gone I will feel both better mentally and rest assured someone is not just with me for that. Maybe I am not explaining clearly enough. It is MY hang up alone and my mind does not know how to get past it and just relax and enjoy being around people without worry. I just know I get clocked all the time and do not worry about it unless someone approaches me. Knowing I am trans and easily picked out I worry constantly about people's motives when they speak to me. ARGH, this is so hard to talk about.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 15, 2014, 01:26:45 AM
Quote from: Cindy on November 15, 2014, 12:58:40 AM
Hi Honey,
I'm going to take a slightly different tack. I think your therapy session has been profoundly important and also underscore something that we all tend to forget. Your ability to have a meaningful relationship with a man is not really changed by having a vagina.
Your success or lack of success with men won't really change post surgery. I know many post op women who are looking but haven't found a partner. Surgery is not the 'get out of gaol' card, it is obviously something that many of us desire. But please don't make it the end game for forming a relationship.
Hi Cindy, I do understand it does not magically fix things. I really do know that. Like I said it is my issue alone. Maybe it goes back to being a cop suspicious of everyone or the tons of ->-bleeped-<-s we all deal with online. In my mind if it is gone I will feel both better mentally and rest assured someone is not just with me for that. Maybe I am not explaining clearly enough. It is MY hang up alone and my mind does not know how to get past it and just relax and enjoy being around people without worry. I just know I get clocked all the time and do not worry about it unless someone approaches me. Knowing I am trans and easily picked out I worry constantly about people's motives when they speak to me. ARGH, this is so hard to talk about.
Believe it or not, I do understand.
I just met a guy today and it is WTF do I do. Oh well.
You can always pm me
The thing is you don't have to deal with overnight and you don't have to deal with it alone. I'm struggling here to find the right words so I don't sound condescending or that I'm not dismissing how you feel. If I find out I can't have GRS for whatever reason I know I will feel devastated; GRS mightn't be a cure all but it is still important for me and how I see myself, so I understand, even if it is only in a small way, how you feel about the "defect", really I do. You asked for advice and the only piece I can give is that if anyone can find a way to overcome this it is you - I remember what you said you were about to do to yourself before you found Susan's, this place brought you back from the brink, helped you find yourself and become yourself. Even so it sounds like the self-discovery isn't over yet - maybe Susan's is or isn't the place to help you find that solution but I'm sure it exists or will exit even if you have to build it yourself. If it's what you really need and want the answer will present itself. Hugs. :)
never getting top surgery is a real concern for me.
i could easily fix this by moving, i could be lucky to get it.
but i'm prioritizing family, my local community and working here, and will hopefully soon build a house in a place i wouldn't mind living for a few years. of course the surgery is cheaper, so easier to afford. and i can even work.
but only a year ago, the thought of maybe never even getting this thing done had me completely devastated. and thoughts of finding a partner were impossible, it didn't seem realistic at all to find someone i could be with, of course because i didn't know how to deal with my own body.
what fixed me were other people. not just good friends, but a romantic interest or two, and a shaman's testament to the young and troubled people who try to grow up today.
trying to trust another person, opening yourself to them and you at the same time, is scary. but taking the chance can be necessary to learn that some fears are unfounded, and that you are acceptable. i had to do that to learn to accept myself.
some say that you can't love others unless you love yourself first. but it's also often true that you can't love yourself unless someone else loves you first.
anyway. the therapist is a great place to start. if it makes you cry, then cry. that's one way to heal, even if just a start.
telling us about it will hopefully also help. i wish you a great and happy future, and the strength to create it in spite of fears and despair.
well, it looks like we ended up in the same lifeboat . I'm on disability income too, no money for any surgeries or tropical vacation cruises. my only hope for GRS is the government or a wealthy sugar daddy. The type of person I need in my life is someone who just wants to be with me , if there's no one there so be it , happiness needn't be dependent on weather someone is sitting across from you for breakfast. It would be nice though and there is always hope.
I feel for you Jessica but don't give up!
You never know what will happen and just because you don't see a straight path to surgery right now does not mean it won't happen, circumstances, laws and regulations can easily change and make things possible that we could never have foreseen.
Life has a way of surprising us, sometimes in bad ways, sometimes in good ways so stay hopeful and watch for opportunities, you never know when they might present themselves.
Jessica, miracles do happen. Hang in there!
Hugs, Jessica. You deserve to have all the wonderful things in life, not discouragement and pain.
I'll tell you what works for me when I face something that's agonizing, though if it's not right for you, feel free to ignore.
I pray for acceptance.
I'm not so sure about god, so I pray to my inner strengths. Works just as well.
I hope this helps.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 14, 2014, 04:14:43 PM
I am a woman and women do not have that ugly dangling wart, but are beautiful creatures whole and natural.
Before I say what needs be said, I want to clarify this now, I am not truly angry nor attacking or being mean to Jess or anyone but, sometimes we have to be very blunt in order for the point to get across. With THAT out of the way, Jess
>:( What you said there is so wrong in SOOO many ways! How do you think people who are born intersex feel? Or how about those who aren't intersex but have birth defects that made their part'(s) deformed and such? How do you think
YOU felt when you realized you were trans? How hard was it to be who you are? I clearly remember it was nerve racking and worrisome often a time worrying what
others thought of me. I remember it wasn't easy buying women's clothing for the first time, especially when I looked like a male at the time and got the cold shoulder from not one but TWO cashiers upon checking out and it was Christmas time too! I remember how hard it was to use the women's bathroom at first, and how hard it was for me to even go out in women's clothing for the first couple of times. I CONSTANTLY WORRIED about what
OTHERS thought of me and yes how I'd be treated as a result. Finally I just stopped caring for the most part and anyone who can't accept me for who I am can keep their distance and comments to themselves. Surely this here that I've listed (and more) was also hard for you too at first? But you and me had to LEARN to accept who we are and just like all those times Jess, everyone, you/we too have to learn to accept what we are, who we are, what we have and don't have and remember that, it will be ok, people (including partner wise) can and will accept us for who we are (Parts and all) and somehow, things will work out. Sure, not everyone has people in their lives who accept them, but maybe someday. In the mean time, there's plenty that can be done to improve your life and it all starts with, the mind and your fears.
As for women who have penis' and what you said there. I waited to say this till I made some valid points above and now it's time you all heard it, especially you Jess. I FULLY and COMPLETELY disagree with you there! Women are beautiful sure (Well, most women, some are not so nice and thus, ugly) but women can and DO have a penis and then some and those women are still real and true woman! I know there are some on here who are intersex and their parts don't make them any less of a woman and nor does the parts that we trans people have and don't have make US, any less of the gender we say we are. I know Jess, I know, you said you can't accept yourself with that "wart" I think u called it down there but, you're just going to have to do 3 things here.
1. Listen, remember and accept the advice above.
2. Remember that, you're looking at the here and now, not the
unknown future which for all you know, the health system might cover us someday, technology might improve enough for us and something else might happen to help us. So instead of focusing on the here and now, look to the unknown future and hope on that. If you need help remembering that, well, *Points to signature*
3. Learn to over come yourself and accept who you are. It's not the end of the world, sure it sucks but, it could be a LOT worse and yes, I KNOW this is extremely bad, don't think I am making light of this matter but, accepting yourself IS the best way to help yourself right now. Remember, we had to accept ourselves and over come great obstacles already, this one, is no different, just, far harder. Just remember, people who're born intersex and those born with deformed parts/bodies also have to over come the same sthings we have to over come and if they can do it, so can we.
Best of luck to you and everyone! Hang in there and stay strong!
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 15, 2014, 01:26:45 AM
I just know I get clocked all the time
Really? :o Could have fooled me. I have only ever seen a woman in your avatar and if you have a female voice to match the looks there and those clocking you don't know you then I am VERY shocked to hear this, and speechless now too.
This is your mind, your heart, and your view of yourself, Jessica.
Everyone has a different view of what makes a woman. And it's very easy to get offended if what someone says doesn't match your own view. But honestly, I get where you're coming from. It's how you feel about yourself. You're not trying to paint a picture of how everyone should be, but how you view yourself. How your mind works. If you thought it was okay to have a penis, you wouldn't be going through all this mental trauma. Please, let's not get bogged down in picking apart what makes a woman. This isn't about that. It's about Jessica and how she feels. Whether it's right or wrong isn't the issue here. So let's not make it the issue.
I kinda gave up on that aspect a long time ago, but what I will say is this... every woman has things they hate about themselves. Things they think no one will ever love them because of. It goes with the territory. We all strive constantly to be someone better than we think we are... our own version of perfection. We all have an image in our heads of what we think others desire, because in their place, we would desire it ourselves. In doing so, however, we lose sight of the things that already make us desirable. In striving for what we don't have, we forget what we do have. And that, in itself, lowers our chances of finding what we crave. We're too focused on the wood to see the beauty in the individual trees.
Love is a funny thing. It isn't a universal constant. It isn't a blueprint you must match in order to find it. Just as everyone is unique... what they want from a partner is also unique. There are people who will love you for you. For the woman you are. Regardless what dangly, bouncy, wobbly or otherwise fleshy bits you have. Never say never, okay? Because you can't know that.
Jessica, a lot of things about you are beautiful. And you, as a person, are worthy of being loved. We all are. Flesh is just flesh. Love comes from the soul.
Quote from: Sephirah on November 15, 2014, 09:23:02 PM
This is your mind, your heart, and your view of yourself, Jessica.
Everyone has a different view of what makes a woman. And it's very easy to get offended if what someone says doesn't match your own view. But honestly, I get where you're coming from. It's how you feel about yourself. You're not trying to paint a picture of how everyone should be, but how you view yourself. How your mind works. If you thought it was okay to have a penis, you wouldn't be going through all this mental trauma. Please, let's not get bogged down in picking apart what makes a woman. This isn't about that. It's about Jessica and how she feels. Whether it's right or wrong isn't the issue here. So let's not make it the issue.
Your whole post was well said, just wanted to clarify I wasn't making it an issue. I wanted Jess to see that she doesn't have to hate on and not except herself, my whole post was geared toward that and for anyone else reading it too. Sure it hurts, sure you'll probably have some Dysphoria even if you do accept yourself but, it will be less painful and you'll feel a lot better too. If Jess or anyone else doesn't see things the way I do, that isn't something I'm going to make an issue/matter of here because again, what I said was meant to help, not hurt or force my belief/opinion/facts down anyone's throat.
I am sorry I offended. This therapy session really rattled me to my core so things did not come out like I meant them to. Even in my own topics I manage to upset people. I will only moderate and keep my views and issue's to myself. Apologies to all I offended. :(
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