Hi. I'm posting under a pseudonym for privacy reasons, but you may call me Asha. I'm new here.
I am currently living a normal life presenting as male. I am ambivalent about transitioning. I am in the process of seeking therapy for it, but I have yet to tell anyone except my closest friends.
I have felt that I am a woman trapped in a man's body since I was nine, about the same time I "realized my existence" and started making my own decisions. I secretly cross-dressed as I began to like girl clothes more. At the time I did not really know what my feelings meant or how to express them, so they didn't manifest into an actionable thought back then. Looking back, however, it's clear to me that this is something I've always wanted. My biggest regret to this day is not being able to say anything about my feelings when I was thing young.
I am a Software Engineer. I am computer-savvy. Statistically speaking, there are very few females in Computer-related fields, perhaps due to the male-dominated and unhygienic culture of computers. Had I been born a girl, I might have chosen a different path, or I might have ignored societal influence and went with what fit the triad of like doing/good at/pays well.
Around when I was twelve or fourteen, I began to realize that there may be options for transgender individuals, although at the time I did not immediately correlate it with either myself or the notion of gender itself, merely something that trans* people sometimes elect to do.
Around when I was sixteen, I began to realize that I could transition, but I initially and ultimately dismissed it. I dismissed it because it was, intrinsically, a raw and imperfect method. I dismissed it because I didn't want to put up with the embarrassment of bringing it up with my family in order to see a therapist or gender clinic.
I'm currently debating whether or not to transition. I wish I had thought about it before puberty ravaged my body with testosterone.
My age, height, weight, body type and physique are all against me.
I'm 24, so growing and most secondary sexual characters are set-in at this point. Estrogen will help, but there's no way for me to visualize how much it will help, or if I'll need surgery. There's no way to see how I will look after a given amount of time of transitioning. Transitioning is, of course, an ongoing process, but I'd imagine the initial coming out and switch and the first couple of years after that are the hardest. It's going to be hard for me and I'm not sure I can manage.
I'm just under 6', so that puts me as a little tall for a woman. That's not something that is easily changed.
I don't look it, but I'm easily 200lbs overweight. My pants size is 48x30. My shirt is 3XL or 3XB. I hold it well, but it's going to take work and time to be healthy. I need to talk to my doctor, but there's two main obstacles to me losing weight. One, the things I am doing now aren't making a difference, despite quite a massive drop in intake calories, I started gaining weight after a brief stint of losing. I'd like to believe that it's input vs output, but there are something's I'm not sure about, such as how stress can influence weight, and how cheat days and starvation mode work, and if either of those are even real things. Two, I've reached the point where it isn't just annoying to exercise, it's DIFFICULT. I can barely clean my house or rake leaves without feeling exhausted, let alone walk a mile or take a bike ride or lift weights or stretch. I feel out of breath doing even mundane activities requiring physical exertion. I feel tired and sore and fatigued after only a few minutes of activity.
I have a very masculine build. When I was younger (and healthier), people used to say I could be a football player. I've never been interested in sports outside of casual play. My face has very masculine features. I have broad shoulders. My shoe size is usually a 12 mens, so that also puts me at a very large size for a woman.
Yet, I believe myself to be a woman, or at the very least, not a man. I have been born a man, raised a man, and I (currently) publicly express and identity myself as a man, but it's all a lie to me. I've repressed these feelings for a long time, and it's all bubbled up and it's ready to burst. Fitting into the gender norm would be easier, especially for me since I already have some psychological conditions, including depression, anxiety, and possibly bipolar II or bipolar III, high-functioning autism, and all the social awkwardness that comes with it.
Maybe I don't want easy. Maybe I'd rather enrage, go full beast mode on the hardest difficulty possible if it had the smallest chance of making me happier in the long run.
I like more feminine-associated expressions, mannerisms, and appearances than I'd like to admit. Not just in the way that I am attracted to women, but also in the way I envy and adore it; in the way I'd like to have it, to be it.
I know, for instance that I don't shave my facial hair nearly as often as I should. Part of it is laziness and part of it is being too poor to afford razors on a regular basis and being indecisive about which alternative-to-the-really-expensive-razors I should go with. I, of course, would like not to have facial hair in the first place. However, I don't look very good clean shaven due to my facial structure. It pains me to look at a beautiful woman's face. Why can't I be so pretty?
I would like to have longer hair, but I don't look good with it due to how my hair is, regardless of how I style it. Not to mention it takes several times longer to clean and gets greasy several times quicker. This pains me a little. Don't care much for coloring, but I think highlights look nice, even in guys (just not on me).
I hate having body and leg hair, too. But it would be weird and wouldn't look right if I shaved. I hate my body and it's angular, masculine features.
As much as I hate applying it and removing it, I like makeup. I obviously can't wear it well (or have any idea how to apply it correctly, but then again I barely know how to shave my beard). That disappoints me. I like eye shadow, eyeliner, and lip gloss / lip stick. I think it looks nice. Blemishes are easier to hide with makeup (and despite my testosterone-filled bloodstream and daily showering I still get quite a few). Never made much sense of mascara (how is anyone going to see that your eyelashes are 1% larger and 1% blacker from a distance of a meter or more?), but I digress.
Aside from the distinct lack of pocket-based storage (how do girls manage?!), I actually really enjoy women's clothing. I don't care much for pocket books (still think actual pockets make more sense), but I am fascinated by skirts, dresses, blouses, frilly things, shear things, stockings, heels, and everything else. (Leggings, especially worn by themselves [without a skirt, tunic or dress...], can shove it.) To me, it's not just sexy, but actually something I would enjoy myself. I wish I could be beautiful and pretty, but it simply isn't going to happen.
These are a few examples.
Perhaps I simply want to be sexy, and since I don't find most of masculinity sexy, I want to embrace feminity. It's not a possibility for me, and I realize that, so I covet being a woman.
I realize that these are gender roles assigned by society. However, these aren't going away anytime soon and aren't going to change very rapidly. Due to genetics, they most certainly aren't going to flip. Certain things straight men find sexually attractive, such as healthiness and curves partially fueled by estrogen during puberty (child-bearing hips!). Those certain things are augmented by certain types of clothing and other technologies that humanity manufacturers to change the environment rather than adapting to it. Much like how women see healthiness and angular features partially fueled by testosterone during puberty. (Yes, healthiness is mentioned for both, because that's part of how it works. Also your perception of healthiness given a person of a certain gender is heavily influenced by their sex, as that's part of what healthiness entails -- ability to reproduce!) There are I don't see either of those becoming a lot different than it is now, due to how nature defines the sexes.
Not only that, but I realize there are numerous physiological differences. I would only embrace them. I realize that ultimately being a woman isn't just limited to having breasts and curves. I think I would particularly enjoy some of the changes. I don't currently enjoy sex as a man, and although it's possible that's related to a treatable condition, I don't think I would experience any worse as a true woman or a transwoman. As a true woman, may very well be better in a more-orgasmic way, but no one in the human race will truly know that for quite some time (you know, until we can open body exchange clinics). If I ended up going transgender most likely it wouldn't be any worse for me, especially considering the majority of my sexual stimulation comes from my visual cortex, and not part of my body (admittedly that is a very masculine thing). I would obviously have no comparison as a true woman as my memory of manhood would either be non-applicable (i.e., from birth) or otherwise irrelevant (not within our lifetime).
Overall, I think I would be much happier as a woman. There exists no technology today with the capacity to, nor no God willing to, make me truly what I want to be. Perhaps, in the future there will be such an entity with this capacity. But, for today, I am stuck. I am what I am. I am both confused and frustrated, with both my sexual experiences and gender identity. The physical form I have isn't the one I want and no amount of exercise, therapy, drugs, prayer, or surgery will fix that. I am a prisoner in my own body. At the same time, I could risk everything and try the imperfect method.
A significant part of my feelings are social, not simply about appearances. I don't feel comfortable in a lot of more masculine social situations—sports, beer, cars to name a few—but due to my masculine appearance I seem to find myself in them a lot.
With that being said, for the appearances, I want to look feminine so I don't get misgendered. Looking convincing and blending in is more important than looking beautiful. That obviously requires some minimum level of beauty which I don't think I will be able to obtain in my lifetime, at least without radical technological advances.
For instance, the first problem I can imagine, notwithstanding other variables is they probably don't make women's clothing in my size. I have men's size 12 feet, I'm nearly 6' tall, and while I can lose weight my proportions won't work. None of that can really change during my lifetime.
I can lose weight, but given how much trouble I'm having doing that it might take five or six years before I'm even close to a healthy weight. Some of my medication was changed around to help with my appetite some time ago, and I feel like I'm eating a lot less, but I have still managed to gain 40lbs despite this.
Since I have big feet that basically rules open-toed shoes out of the possibility and will make finding shoes harder.
I'm very tall for women's sizes and heights, so that would be weird to.
I have broad shoulders, and I'm just built large even without the added stomach fat. There's not really anything I can do about that.
I have masculine facial features, and while there is facial feminization surgery I imagine it's expensive enough to be outside of the realm of financial feasibility for a long time coming.
I of course sound like a guy, and it would take voice training and possibly trachea shaving before I sounded remotely feminine.
Sorry if this is TMI, but in terms of sex:
I've not have sex with a woman during my lifetime, but I can say from my experiences with men:
- I enjoy begin watched, especially while crossdressing. That's probably directly related to repressing my feelings.
- I don't particularly enjoy giving or receiving: handjobs, ->-bleeped-<-s, or anal; so overall male-on-male is one of the worst pairings for me. I don't mind watching it, but experiencing it is a different thing entirely
- Receiving a handjob or ->-bleeped-<- with the incorrect amount of friction feels ticklish and painful. My threshold is really specific and it's hard for it not to feel ticklish
- Some of the best sensations I have experienced have come from my nipples being stimulated by my partner. I can't imagine how good it would feel if I had real breasts. It doesn't have the same effect when I touch it myself, but it's never painful.
- Ejaculation feels more like a letdown for me than an orgasm. Also, I feel like I last a most a few minutes with proper stimulation. After ejaculation, I can't be stimulated at all. Not really sure how much of that is normal.
Do I suffer in silence, or do I do something about it I might regret?
Welcome! First, you need to find a good therapist preferably with gender experience. From your post you have a lot that needs to be worked out first. While you are in therapy work on your physical fitness because HRT is very hard on the body. Therapist issue letters for HRT and SRS so you might as well get going on a good. solid foundation. You can find some "informed consent" places for HRT, but not many will prescribe HRT if there is a physical or lab related issue. Start the right way and healthy and you will go far.
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Hi Asha, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. I'll just put it right out there: Stop being so hard on yourself. At 24 you have your whole life in front of you, do with it what you see fit, and be true to yourself. You'll find that's where happiness lies, not with appearances. See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Welcome to Susan's, Asha!!
Thank you for the warm welcome.
I'm new here, I'm open to suggestions on where to start with these forums.
I'm not sure whether I will transition at this point. At this point, I'm still hesitating to even call the therapist I was looking at seeing.
I'm well aware I need to work on my health, but it's been fairly difficult to make any progress.
I changed some of my medicine back in March of this year due to systematic weight gain. When I changed from the abilify to the latuda, my appetite decreased dramatically. As I was eating about 2/3 less than what I was eating before. I lost about 20 pounds. Recently, however, I haven't changed much in diet or exercise since then but I have gained 40 pounds since I started tracking, and I'm still gaining.
I would like to believe that dieting is input vs output, but it seems that stress plays a role, too. I've heard that when the body is stressed, the body will store as much fat as possible. If that's the case I won't be able to lose weight very easily, because I've been more and more stressed since...ever.
I also don't really understand the whole concept of "cheat days." I've tried dieting before, but I ended up taking too many and simply abusing cheat days. I'd prefer to simply not use them as it's a way to get off track, at least when I start a diet, because then I remember how good unhealthy things taste and don't want to go back to eating healthy food. On one hand, I've heard you need cheat days to prevent your body from going into "starvation mode", in which the body will store as much calories from the next meal as fat as possible. On the other hand, I've also heard that's complete bogus. I see people on the Internet post about cheat days all the time, so I guess there is some merit? Maybe only in maintaining sanity, though.
Hello Asha,
welcome here! :)
I have some comments on the weight stuff, so here goes :D
Quote from: ashawobbles on November 19, 2014, 10:39:42 PM
I would like to believe that dieting is input vs output, but it seems that stress plays a role, too. I've heard that when the body is stressed, the body will store as much fat as possible. If that's the case I won't be able to lose weight very easily, because I've been more and more stressed since...ever.
I also don't really understand the whole concept of "cheat days." I've tried dieting before, but I ended up taking too many and simply abusing cheat days. I'd prefer to simply not use them as it's a way to get off track, at least when I start a diet, because then I remember how good unhealthy things taste and don't want to go back to eating healthy food. On one hand, I've heard you need cheat days to prevent your body from going into "starvation mode", in which the body will store as much calories from the next meal as fat as possible. On the other hand, I've also heard that's complete bogus. I see people on the Internet post about cheat days all the time, so I guess there is some merit? Maybe only in maintaining sanity, though.
I've had weight issues (albeit with the reverse problem -- being underweight) for the longest time, so I have spend a lot of time reading about that stuff. I also had quite severe food intolerances (which by the way can also cause massive weight gain).
It is true that the body starts storing more fat in times of prolonged stress. Your adrenals produce more cortisol (the stress hormone) and this is one of the effects.
I'm not sure about the cheat days, so I can't comment on this. I believe that the key to healthy weight loss or gain is eating a balanced, healthy diet with exercise. Starving your body may produce a short term effect, but it's not going to solve the problem. I could eat tons of chocolate to gain weight, but that's going to mess with my body and my health in the long term, so I'm not doing it (I don't like chocolate anyway :D).
My advice would be: cut out down the unhealthy stuff to a minimum or even better, throw it out entirely. Build a routine with exercising. New habits need about a week to sink in (I believe), so you have to pull through for a while, but then it'll get easier :).
Pages that I found very helpful are those by Chris Kresser and Sarah Ballantyne (she goes by The Paleo Mom). I don't eat Paleo (in fact, I'm more on the vegan side of things), but I find the info they provide super well-researched and they both acknowledge that one diet does not fit all. So they don't say.
I suffered from extreme fatigue for years. It's beginning to wane now that I have finally acknowledged that I'm trans.
Quote from: ashawobbles on November 17, 2014, 11:37:19 PM
I am a Software Engineer. I am computer-savvy. Statistically speaking, there are very few females in Computer-related fields, perhaps due to the male-dominated and unhygienic culture of computers. Had I been born a girl, I might have chosen a different path, or I might have ignored societal influence and went with what fit the triad of like doing/good at/pays well.
There are openly trans women working at some of the largest IT/software companies.. I know both MS and Google have more than a few - a friend has worked at both and at MS had one on his team. I'm sure there is probably a few stealthy types floating around too.
Quote from: kelly_aus on November 20, 2014, 02:01:03 AM
There are openly trans women working at some of the largest IT/software companies.. I know both MS and Google have more than a few - a friend has worked at both and at MS had one on his team. I'm sure there is probably a few stealthy types floating around too.
To clarify, I wasn't trying to imply that there are or aren't. That particular statement doesn't specifically concern trans* individuals, it was more of a generalization.
Rather it was more of a reference to the fact that women are generally less present in technical fields across the board. I'm not entirely sure what societal factors lead to this, but I can guess a few influences. Overall, through a child's upbringing it seems like men are driven to technical fields, and women are driven to creative or social fields. That's just an observation. I think even some more capable women are shying away from technical fields because of the nerd/geek culture, or possibly bad hygiene, and the lack of other women to support them in the field (bootstrap problem).
I'm not really sure how to categorically place transwomen in that subset, however, I would imagine it would depend on their upbringing, their age, and (if any) their existing employment and education. So for example a transwoman who comes out early may not have any preconceptions about what they want to go into yet, and they are still malleable. At the same time, a transwoman who comes out later may have existing ideas that carried over from their past experiences that aren't directly tied to their gender identity, or like me, already have the career thing nailed down for the most part. That's all really speculation though, I'm sure there's some research on it somewhere.
Hi Asha and welcome to Susan's.
:)