The post-ops, the not-post-ops, where did they go? ->-bleeped-<-girl15 on youtube has vanished. Debutante Brawl feat. Penelope on youtube has vanished. Many, many post-ops have seemingly left the internet. In fact, the disappearing post-ops makes me think that srs does not come out that great. How about it? The case of the disappearing transsexuals....
Perhaps they are just just living their lives now.
Or there is another simple reason behind this. Being on the interwebz will lead to discoveries and disclosures and full anonymity (AKA stealth) will become impossible task for those who want to blend in. Sooner or later, someone might stumble across a picture or YT video, add 2 and 2 and voila!, we have a relationship or family broken.
Anyway, I know at least two pre-op transsexuals who were active on YT and then their accounts disappeared without any trace. Still, I was able to (by pure accident) to come across them via google+ contacts and they are doing fine - even better than they were when I last saw them :).
So, peeps be careful about whom You add in google (google is evil, and so is FB)... still You have no control over who for whatever reason adds You in their circles and so that chain goes on.
I agree with Leila...
People just get on with life, as I plan to :)
Quote from: bridget on November 19, 2014, 04:05:57 AM
In fact, the disappearing post-ops makes me think that srs does not come out that great. How about it? The case of the disappearing transsexuals....
I am a disappearing transsexual.
In terms of my transition, I am pulling back from all things internet. I need no further support at this point, my transition has been a success. I am fully integrated into my new life and I am very busy getting on with it.
I have needed no support for quite a while now and for at least the last year I have been
giving support to those coming along behind me.
However, it must be said that giving support can be a very wearing experience. A significant minority simply do not listen when you tell them things they need to know and then blame you for telling them. Then there is dealing with the other issues that many people face. Many of us have hidden in a bottle or behind drugs or suffered depression, anxiety or other disorders.
So, it is a mix of things. As my life gets back to normal then "normal stuff" fills it up more and more and I only have so much time in my day so there is less and less time for trans stuff. Helping people on-line has also made me a bit "snippy" because whereas I used to spend a lot of time helping the stubborn or pig-headed cases, experience has taught me how to spot when I am wasting my time so if someone gives me a lot of blow-back or tells me
"how it's gonna be with those d*mn doctors" then I just wish them luck and leave them to it.
Over the last few years I have done my bit. I have helped many people go out as themselves at support groups and I have helped them come out and start on the transition pathway. Online, over the last 4 years, the numbers are much larger.
I feel I have done my bit. I had paid back the help I received when I started. Others are more dedicated than I am and I simply have far too much to do.
So it is time to go.
I, too, have noticed a couple of well-transitioned, super passable girls delete their videos - and this is on a range from pretty intellectual girls to some who practically documented half of their entire sexual history in every other video.
ayh put it perfectly. The idea of self-outing to everyone for the sake of drawing in a few just seems unnatural. Statistically, people who are out to everyone or otherwise widely known as trans have a higher suicide rate than stealthier folks. It just seems like a bad idea, and I think those who are leaving have realized this.
It's valid from my own experience - once you feel universally passable, one really just kind of wishes to get on with her life in a way as if to forget having had to deal with such matters. One craves a new life: the potential of one's own life that is enabled when consciousness is brought into its form. The very powerful response of positive emotions associated with this gives ample reason to leave the past when it become convenient.
That and if IRL people find your videos they can do all kinds of ->-bleeped-<- with them to misrepresent you, and that can affect anyone at all no matter who they are. I like to keep a solid division between my IRL and online worlds. That division enables them to function comfortably. A few very close friends who would do no harm have had the worlds linked by me, and that's no big deal. If I publically share bits of my IRL to my online folks, it's not in a way by which my location, career, or other private aspects of my life would be identifiable.
If nothing else, the turnover of youtubers also keeps fresh people uploading and redefining, for instance, what it really means to transition now that it's 2014 vs what it was like back in 2009. There will always be people bold, reckless, or good enough to just go in front of the public, say who they are, and describe what they're doing, feeling, or experiencing. And that's the thing - transitioner videos tend to focus largely on this one aspect of their life. I'm quite comfortable presenting myself, even online, but I've also gone to great lengths to make the private medical history that is my transition indiscernible. I can only wish luck to those who document their transitions in this way.
Quote from: Rachelicious on November 19, 2014, 06:41:24 AM
Statistically, people who are out to everyone or otherwise widely known as trans have a higher suicide rate than stealthier folks. It just seems like a bad idea, and I think those who are leaving have realized this.
I'd like to see the numbers behind this statement, as my experiences tell me otherwise..
Quote from: kelly_aus on November 19, 2014, 06:46:33 AM
I'd like to see the numbers behind this statement, as my experiences tell me otherwise..
Page 9, 50% vs 33%
http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf
Hmm, I still don't agree with it - the way being In or Out is determined is a little flimsy.
I'd agree this is perhaps less dissatisfaction with their transition and more getting on with their lives.
I fully intend to get bottom surgery, and after bottom surgery I plan on reigning in what little online presence I have XD it's just more, "Alright, I'm finally DONE! Now to just live my life in quiet, peaceful anonymity "
Once someone decides what direction they are going and learns what they need to get there, the need for spending time on support sites goes down. I'm here chiefly so that my experience will help people who come after. Others simply leave the site. It's sort of a natural progression.
I in no way am stealth, everyone knows my past and i will have the pleasure of my coworkers visit at brassard's during my stay there next week.
But at the same time, we expend SO much energy to get there that at some point we need to choose our battles. I know I feel very tired of my fight and want to be done with it.
Which happens monday when i wake up from srs and they confirm to me all is done ;D
Hope this bit helps you understand.
As someone who is basically done with transition and stealth, I can tell you exactly why they disappear.
It's called living life.
When you're in transition, being trans is kind of all that you can think about. Once you're finished with transition, wherever you might deem that finish line to be, an amazing thing happens. You can start living your life without gender dysphoria getting in the way. People you meet for the first time can't even tell that you're trans anymore, your body is more or less completely that of your identity gender, and frankly it seems stupid to even think about being trans anymore, because you stop seeing yourself as trans, you just start seeing yourself as a woman/man first, trans maybe 4th or 5th on a list of things that you are. Honestly still being in transgender support networks becomes a scary thought, because what if someone sees you, and you're outed? That's usually what's happening with people who completely delete their videos from Youtube, or delete all of their pictures from a trans support site, is that they're becoming afraid of being outed, and they don't want to be seen as trans anymore, they just want to be seen as an ordinary member of their identity gender.
I've been here for almost 2 years now, and watched a lot of members come and go. And in almost every single case, the members that go are leaving because they're now post-transition, full-time, and thus they're ready to leave the support community and just get on with their lives.
Just about every single transgender community has this cycle... people are there for about 1-2 years or so, and then once they're passable and full-time, they all leave and a brand new batch of trans-people comes in to take their place, all with the exact same questions and the exact same fears and concerns that they had in the first place. Rinse and repeat. Only a few stay behind, usually specifically because they want to keep helping others out.
And again, it's not because anyone is having regrets. It's the opposite. It's because for the first time in their lives, they don't feel weird anymore, don't feel enough bodily dysphoria to need support anymore, and thus don't feel the need to even talk about it anymore. They're just out living their lives.
Quote from: suzifrommd on November 19, 2014, 08:16:04 AM
Once someone decides what direction they are going and learns what they need to get there, the need for spending time on support sites goes down. I'm here chiefly so that my experience will help people who come after. Others simply leave the site. It's sort of a natural progression.
This is one of the bigger reasons I left for several months...I felt I'd learned as much as I could for a pre-SRS life, and wanted to live "on my own."
Now that I'm able to get on the table (oh look, I made a rhyme! LOL), meaning the biggest hurdle to surgery is taken care of, I decided to come back and learn more...in many ways it was like coming back to high school after graduation: it felt...awkward.
But Susan's is still a good place to learn, even if the junior classmates dress funny and chew bubblegum...;)
I may stay around after I'm "done" because I like discussion forums but I plan to live semi-stealth. I won't be 100% stealth but to total strangers they don't and won't know my history. I may even move to another state and start over. I even want a new career in something different if possible. I just feel this new energy and renewal in my life.
So yes, I agree most of these women are probably stealth and woodworked.
As Carrie, Suzi, and others note, it's actually rare for post-ops to stick around. Several I know have vanished from another support site I participate in yet I am friends with them on Facebook and they are doing superbly... just living life.
My own life is beginning to settle down now that I am legally transitioned though I still have GCS to go through and then FFS so I expect to remain interested in support sites for a few more years. But after that? I suspect my own participation won't stop but will dwindle down.
For example, on another site I frequent, a wonderful woman who is now more than a decade post-op and completely living as herself drops in about once a month. She'll comment in a thread or two then vanish again.
As ayhdrb notes, many trans people refuse to listen and think that somehow their circumstances are unique. Worse, I've met those frozen with fear of moving forward but standing on the edge of suicide due to depression and I can't help them either. So as ayhdrb notes, it can be wearing even on those of us still interested in remaining active here. I can only imagine how it must feel to those whose interest in support sites has waned and who are full time and post-op to be repeatedly rejected in terms of offered help and advice.
So the "disappearing post-op" is sort of inevitable. Between new transitioners who refuse to listen and general tiredness and frustration from those trying to help, why shouldn't the majority of post-ops vanish?
What is more remarkable, in my mind, are those few post-ops who consistently stay around and continue to offer their support. Those are truly amazing and selfless people.
It's not really about the surgery they just reached a point where they could move on. Honestly I've noticed two types of people who transition and it's not stealth or non stealth. It's those who choose to move on and those who don't. I have a friend in real life who is an activist everything in her life revolves around being trans. You can't carry on a normal conversation with her because everything is about being trans. She outs me to strangers she gets mad at me because I say I'm just a woman and won't get out in the streets and argue with protesters.
Now I'm using her as an extreme example but the point is at a certain point you need to move on before transition becomes your entire life and you forget to be the woman you set out to be.
As others have said, it's mostly about moving on to a normal life; in fact, the pattern I've noticed has been that those dissatisfied with transition or GRS tend to *stay,* as they are still in need of support.
To be perfectly frank, even I'm primarily here because so many post-ops do go on to live their lives and "disappear" - I have answers to many questions that newly post-op women have and I don't mind giving them. For now. Already I don't really think about trans issues unless I'm reading this site, and I can foresee the day when I too get tired of the same old questions over and over and want to do something different for a change.
Quote from: LizMarie on November 19, 2014, 09:39:22 AM
As ayhdrb notes, many trans people refuse to listen and think that somehow their circumstances are unique. Worse, I've met those frozen with fear of moving forward but standing on the edge of suicide due to depression and I can't help them either.
Very much this.I have encountered a lot of them -mostly in online communities - and it is always the same... time, e-mail exchanges, info passing out and then they just disappear.
Transition is an all-consuming and sometimes demoralizing process. And I've heard people say that post-transition there was a big hole in their life that left them asking, "now what do I do?" So I can understand the desire to move on and get some distance. It's only natural to want to finally have a normal life.
But I will say that one consequence of stealth and blending in is that trans people aren't visible. Society is coming along, but most people's concept of us is limited to the awkward transitioner and the freak shows on Jerry Springer. The vast majority of those who are post-transition blend in so well, even if not fully stealth, society doesn't see them as trans. It would help our case to have more Janet Mocks, but I totally understand why we don't.
So macro level, it's not necessarily a good thing for us as a group. But on a micro level, it's great for the individual to be a regular person.
Quote from: suzifrommd on November 19, 2014, 08:16:04 AM
Once someone decides what direction they are going and learns what they need to get there, the need for spending time on support sites goes down. I'm here chiefly so that my experience will help people who come after. Others simply leave the site. It's sort of a natural progression.
^^^^^^^This.
I wish the post ops could stick around for there every day experience it seems it would be quite valuable
Quote from: stephaniec on November 19, 2014, 02:15:08 PM
I wish the post ops could stick around for there every day experience it seems it would be quite valuable
Honestly those that disappear probably have the same as a cis woman. On the other hand if they are clocked and outed frequently they might land back here.
Yeah, um... my everyday experience is "I got up, went to work, had to deal with that one coworker with the really annoying voice, ran errands, came home, hugged the cats, agonized over what to have for dinner, watched some TV/played video games, went to bed." On a really exciting day I have a nap or go out for coffee. ;)
Every Friday, granted, I spend 15 minutes dilating *while* watching TV, but even then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes are just boring regular life.
Quote from: katiej on November 19, 2014, 12:21:45 PM
But I will say that one consequence of stealth and blending in is that trans people aren't visible. Society is coming along, but most people's concept of us is limited to the awkward transitioner and the freak shows on Jerry Springer. The vast majority of those who are post-transition blend in so well, even if not fully stealth, society doesn't see them as trans. It would help our case to have more Janet Mocks, but I totally understand why we don't.
So macro level, it's not necessarily a good thing for us as a group. But on a micro level, it's great for the individual to be a regular person.
Yeah, it is a bummer that we don't have more voices for our rights, but at the same time, it's not like people are stealth because we're actively denying being trans or anything, it's just that after a certain point nobody even asks you anymore, they just automatically assume that you're cis. So outing yourself would actually take deliberate effort to do.
It just doesn't even make sense after a certain point.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on November 19, 2014, 02:42:40 PM
Yeah, um... my everyday experience is "I got up, went to work, had to deal with that one coworker with the really annoying voice, ran errands, came home, hugged the cats, agonized over what to have for dinner, watched some TV/played video games, went to bed." On a really exciting day I have a nap or go out for coffee. ;)
Every Friday, granted, I spend 15 minutes dilating *while* watching TV, but even then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes are just boring regular life.
that's mundane ,but positive. I like math which most find boring, experience = experience whether mundane or revolutionary
Hope you ladies don't mind me jumping in here! I saw the original post and am curious to know if this is confined to the MTF community, or if you all would say it's more universal. I'm not active at all on youtube, so it's never something I've noticed.
Im under the impression that thats the whole point of all of this transition, eventually its gotta end and the new life starts ;)
For myself, I kept finding I couldn't relate to anyone anymore.
I didn't have a male puberty, because I have some form of AIS. So in my case, I had a very mild girl puberty, less any menstraition.
I am naturally, hormonally female, and as such .I have a girls body, and mind.
The kind of support I need is super hard to find. Not even my doctors know a lot about AIS.
I still will post here and there, but I really can't contribute anymore.
The two lovely trans friends I had 25 years ago have vanished into their happy everyday normal lives,
One I can still keep in contact with as we were co-workers and still have a mutual friend, she was surprised but not shocked when I looked her up and told her about my "big news" a few years ago. I was very envious when I helped her thru her transition in the early 90's. She did say if I need anything I know how to find her.
Something I just saw this morn,
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthedailyquotes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F12%2Fdont-judge-me-by-my-past-quote-life-sayings-pics-images-quotes.jpg&hash=7a6f04c2ba377ecf21626e635f3a161d4728d2e0)
And then there of course is a tiny percentage of those who disappear and are never seen again (just as in case of cis-population).
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theofantastique.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F05%2FAlien-Abduction-1024x768.jpg&hash=fda32c4490160aeb0dd1bffbd5813454ef8e0ee5)
I've always told myself that one day I'm going to be a super pretty girl & no one will ever know I was a tgirl. Not sure when that will happen but I'm praying it happens before I'm 21 xD Should be 5 years on hormones by then so I'm sure I'll look very girly :p I'm sure they have similar thoughts & part of no one ever knowing they were a tgirl is completely leaving no trace of it online. That's one reason why I'm always scared to post pictures on this site lol
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 19, 2014, 04:43:43 PM
And then there of course is a tiny percentage of those who disappear and are never seen again (just as in case of cis-population).
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theofantastique.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F05%2FAlien-Abduction-1024x768.jpg&hash=fda32c4490160aeb0dd1bffbd5813454ef8e0ee5)
Hey Emily. Don't ever post pictures of my family again please. ;) SHHHHH, though or I will send the Men In Black to pay you a visit. ;D
But on a serious note. I really worry sometimes about those that just up and disappear. If you want to live your life in stealth, at least a Good bye please. If you want to de transition or live in stealth, at least a "let us know you are OK and now happy" post. I guess I care too much about people I don't even know personally and worry about them. OMG I just realized I am female regardless. ::)
Quote from: Rachelicious on November 19, 2014, 06:51:14 AM
Page 9, 50% vs 33%
http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf
The data is about being "out" versus "non being out," it is not about being "stealth."
To be stealth you have to come out to at least your doctors and staff, and probably to immediate family and some close friend... so you are out!
I plan my stay at Susan's to be a shorter one.
I have long since dealt with most of my personal demons. I am happy with my life, I no longer contemplate suicide or self mutilation.
What brought me here was a sudden change in income levels that allowed me to suddenly get all my surgeries done instead of thinking I would never get them done.
Once done with body sculpting, FFS, and GRS I plan to disappear, more so than the average girl.
Right after GRS comes my name change, and a relocation.
Phone numbers, email accounts, all will be closed and new ones opened.
I plan to go deep stealth and try to move on with my life. I just need this place right now, because surgery is a big deal and brings up a lot of latent emotional responses.
Kami
Quote from: Jess42 on November 19, 2014, 05:51:38 PM
Hey Emily. Don't ever post pictures of my family again please. ;) SHHHHH, though or I will send the Men In Black to pay you a visit. ;D
But on a serious note. I really worry sometimes about those that just up and disappear. If you want to live your life in stealth, at least a Good bye please. If you want to de transition or live in stealth, at least a "let us know you are OK and now happy" post. I guess I care too much about people I don't even know personally and worry about them. OMG I just realized I am female regardless. ::)
Only problem with saying "goodbye" is it makes a lot of people worry...I'd worry more with any similar post "I'm leaving the Interwebz for good, I'll be OK" can be taken in a very somber way. (And if someone is surveilling you, it gives "them" a chance to save everything to their computer.
I would, if it were me going LOL*snort*"stealth"ROFL...I'd probably just slow down my posting rate, while at the same time deleting a percentage of pics each day...take a week or two, before anyone notices.
"Disappearing transsexuals" I never figured out how the magician saws one in half either. And now, here's something we hope you really like!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRW7pITY5Cg&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I would imagine that some high-profile transfolk end up being harassed and stalked due to their internet presence. If I felt threatened, I would consider pulling up stakes as well.
Quote from: bridget on November 19, 2014, 04:05:57 AM
The post-ops, the not-post-ops, where did they go? ->-bleeped-<-girl15 on youtube has vanished. Debutante Brawl feat. Penelope on youtube has vanished. Many, many post-ops have seemingly left the internet. In fact, the disappearing post-ops makes me think that srs does not come out that great. How about it? The case of the disappearing transsexuals....
Transsexual do not disappear, they just fade into beautiness... Dear
I left for a while and came back.
After SRS you feel like you're done, you are no longer trans and don't need a support group or in the you tubers they feel like they don't really have much more to add.
I came back because I missed this place, I like giving a bit of advise here & there and I've met some people on here that once I get to their areas of the world would love to catch up with.
Quote from: peky on November 19, 2014, 06:38:34 PM
The data is about being "out" versus "non being out," it is not about being "stealth."
To be stealth you have to come out to at least your doctors and staff, and probably to immediate family and some close friend... so you are out!
By your definition stealth wouldn't exist. I very much know what stealth is. I live it. "Tells nobody" pretty much sums it up.
I'm shocked that a simple data comparison of (finally!) a reasonable statistic on what the rate for this population actually is (btw it's been linked on susans before) led to such litigious responses based on rhetorical deconstruction or unjustified disregard. A 15%+ increase is nothing to laugh at when even stealthies are at 1 in 3, and there's probably more data to be plumbed from this document for the purposes of learning what can be done to make peoples' experiences better. In fact the 33% to 50% difference in "outness" really stands out among all the differentiating factors if you analyze other categories.
But I digress, clearly some missed that the point of even introducing such information was to highlight that it's not just that talking for hours about where you're located and where you work and how big your last boyfriend was and how the one before him clocked you is probably a bad idea (hint: it's a
horrible idea) but even if you're perfectly safe doing so, it's also bad for your self-esteem to constantly be engaging what is at this point all in the past.
So to say it again, in my earlier post is statistical evidence that being more private might make one's experience of living a little nicer. I'm not trying to tell people how to live their lives, but it's safe to say "putting it all out there" is the
opposite of this! And that's probably why people are taking down their media.
And in that regard I'm not surprised by the private, in-forum video sharing found in some susans threads, nor would I be surprised by private video or social media groups. Social media is so open that people are finally having to put up walls.
Quote from: LizMarie on November 19, 2014, 09:39:22 AM
So the "disappearing post-op" is sort of inevitable. Between new transitioners who refuse to listen and general tiredness and frustration from those trying to help, why shouldn't the majority of post-ops vanish?
What is more remarkable, in my mind, are those few post-ops who consistently stay around and continue to offer their support. Those are truly amazing and selfless people.
(https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQHF25TOWRlC2XtuDryHBaDWYAgsAYZiOgypIcBDf8aXIEB-gaY)
Time remaining in game: 34:15:43 8)
I would have to say that people don't want the new people in their life to know.... it is why I am not broadcasting my transition to the public... my old me will die, my new me will be born.....wish could collect the life insurance on the old me xD
The 'Disappearing Trannies'.... sounds like a great B movie worth watching in the early hours of the morning.... Especially when MST3K has their fun with it.
Quote from: Rachelicious on November 19, 2014, 07:49:41 PM
By your definition stealth wouldn't exist. I very much know what stealth is. I live it. "Tells nobody" pretty much sums it up.
I'm shocked that a simple data comparison of (finally!) a reasonable statistic on what the rate for this population actually is (btw it's been linked on susans before) led to such litigious responses based on rhetorical deconstruction or unjustified disregard. A 15%+ increase is nothing to laugh at when even stealthies are at 1 in 3, and there's probably more data to be plumbed from this document for the purposes of learning what can be done to make peoples' experiences better. In fact the 33% to 50% difference in "outness" really stands out among all the differentiating factors if you analyze other categories.
But I digress, clearly some missed that the point of even introducing such information was to highlight that it's not just that talking for hours about where you're located and where you work and how big your last boyfriend was and how the one before him clocked you is probably a bad idea (hint: it's a horrible idea) but even if you're perfectly safe doing so, it's also bad for your self-esteem to constantly be engaging what is at this point all in the past.
So to say it again, in my earlier post is statistical evidence that being more private might make one's experience of living a little nicer. I'm not trying to tell people how to live their lives, but it's safe to say "putting it all out there" is the opposite of this! And that's probably why people are taking down their media.
And in that regard I'm not surprised by the private, in-forum video sharing found in some susans threads, nor would I be surprised by private video or social media groups. Social media is so open that people are finally having to put up walls.
Do any of your doctors know your past? If so, under those stats you would be counted as Out..
Quote from: Jess42 on November 19, 2014, 05:51:38 PM
Hey Emily. Don't ever post pictures of my family again please. ;) SHHHHH, though or I will send the Men In Black to pay you a visit. ;D
Please, do not take long, because I am quite bored recently and there is some stuff in my appartment which needs to be moved around ;). Will send You a PM briefly with address and location, ok? :)
Being 4 weeks post-op myself, I am starting to lose interest in this whole transition stuff and everything around it. When you just start, you want to learn as much as possible, but there comes a time when you get sick and tired of it. It isn't fun to constantly being reminded about the fact you are trans. I will leave this forum one day as well. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next year. I don't know, but there comes a moment when you want to move on, for various reasons, but mainly because you've seen and heard it all.
I'm not post-op, but my transition is pretty much done - to the point that my therapist said I have no need for him. I hang around to share the odd experience and maybe the odd issue, but I could just as easily move along.
I really don't know what my future holds, but it's hard for me to see that as long as I have access to a computer it's like I'm just too nosey not to throw two cents on the table unless some how I end up getting banned.
I'm pretty much done with my transition at this point and I've cut back on my participation here. I do post in a thread here and there that interests me and I like keeping up with the class I started with long ago. Alas there are fewer of them around now and if I mention something that happened long ago on the forum I get blank stares now. Some day I'm going to look around and realize that I don't know anyone here and I've been there and done that with the topics being discussed and I may realize that it's time to move on. I haven't reached that point quite yet.
People have been disappearing on this forum for as long as I've been here; it's normal.
Quote from: Eva Marie on November 21, 2014, 06:41:41 PM
I'm pretty much done with my transition at this point and I've cut back on my participation here. I do post in a thread here and there that interests me and I like keeping up with the class I started with long ago. Alas there are fewer of them around now and if I mention something that happened long ago on the forum I get blank stares now. Some day I'm going to look around and realize that I don't know anyone here and I've been there and done that with the topics being discussed and I may realize that it's time to move on. I haven't reached that point quite yet.
People have been disappearing on this forum for as long as I've been here; it's normal.
It is normal, and I love the graduations. What I really love is when a past member pops in just to say hi and tell us they're doing well.
A transguy has started to come to my support group after being stealth for a solid 30+ years. After all that time he realized that he really needed to go to a gynecologist, and it brought up a ton of emotions associated with being trans that he hadn't had to deal with for a very long time. So he decided that it would be good to get involved with the support group again. I think he's a great example of someone who blends in and just lives a normal life...until something comes up. Suddenly he had a need for support, although I doubt he's out in his personal life. But the community remains there and available to him.
So I would imagine that this is a typical cycle for many of us Stealth and anonymity are great rewards after the hard work of transition, but eventually many come back to the community in one way or another...and for a number of reasons.
I don't know if I will vanish or not. I refuse to speculate at this time.
However, I do know that once my divorce finalizes, the house is sold, and I am past GCS, that I'll be out and about in public more than now.
I'm not going anywhere. I will even haunt you all beyond the grave.
To be honest, I will probably scale back everything about being trans at some point....Being like true stealth isn't in the cards, I have a net presence that cannot be totally eradicated. I do however, not want to be chained to being trans as an identity and ultimately that is I think what drives lots of people off. I am a woman, I identify as a woman, I am trans, but I don't identify as such, it is merely a condition that is temporary.
I wouldn't be surprised at anyone leaving to be honest. I wouldn't assume anything negative by it.
Yes, I'm totally out to everyone, including some of my family, two colleagues, some medical practitioners (who take some hard convincing!), excluding all my neighbours and the rest of the world. I cut off from all contact with the trans world for 12 years until I decided that I had to do srs. That done, thank you, I can't help but remain very curious about how everyone else is doing transition. Not being completely happy with past cosmetic surgeries, I've gained some very helpful information about future surgeons, with some surgeries being completed and some immediately pending. I'm also very interested in the voice surgery forum, with some results proving quite stunning. I'm just a very curious person, period, which is probably why I work in R&D in my company.
Many of us are so used to hiding, that going back to hiding post-transition may be more comfortable. Part of me firmly believes that it's nobody's business, since my entire goal is to be comfortable with my own body and to fit in. While another, albeit quieter part, wants acceptance, and to be proud of who I am. Though my past has shaped me, I don't want to be forever defined and judged by my trans status. Yet to have a deep relationship, I know I will have to disclose to receive the acceptance I need from real friends and significant others. Life is hard enough that I often just run out of time.
The supporters in the community who devote time to help after they are post op, have the utmost of my admiration and respect.
If you're good friends with a transgender person IRL and they disappear, call mutual friends, their family, and possibly the police if worse comes to worse after 48 hours missing. If you only know them online, just hope they are ok, since there's not much more you can do without creepy cyberstalking.
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You may like PrincessJoules from YouTube, she has already had the full change and continues to create videos. Though after reading this I hope she does not do the same.
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I spend about half the year in the San Francisco Bay Area and personally know a lot of post op women. They've become nothing more and nothing less than women, and they live happy lives with average day to day problems. They aren't activists, and have no reason to stand on a soap box and yell about transition. Almost all have become successful in their jobs, and work hard to achieve new goals or fulfill other life-long dreams.
I've got my surgery date, and afterwards will most likely do same thing my friends have done. I don't see why I'd plan differently.
Kathy
Pretty much I've started wiping out my online "out and proud" persona, and deleting any account (dating, blogging etc) where I was openly trans, there were pictures of me... IRL it was my face that pretty much outed me, but after solving that issue I plan to work towards stealth: Getting the definitive complete change of both name and gender, more voice work, and then if possible change jobs to a new one where nobody knows me, even if it means going to another country.
So yes, I plan on disappearing save for one or two trans related communities, and inver the time I was giving it into studying , exercising (no more locker room anxiety) and overall going back to having a normal life. Just that thiks time as a girl.
Quote from: kelly_aus on November 20, 2014, 12:10:33 AM
Do any of your doctors know your past? If so, under those stats you would be counted as Out..
Really?I don't think so. Doctors are bound by patient confidentiality first off, so unless you give them a signed letter to go around talking about you, I would hardly consider telling your doc or OBGYN as being "out." To me, being out is when you actively tell people you trans, possibly have the same job as pre-transition, or are an activist. Telling your doctor or BF/GF you're trans isn't really out. it's letting people in on the intimate details of your life. I would not equate being intimate or telling doctors as being out. What if no one else knows, you moved 3,000 miles away, and no ones knows except two people? Two people who won't tell and everyone else assumes you're cis. Yeah, if you want to be super literal, I guess that is out and you're not stealth. So I respectfully disagree.
I say this because once I have SRS, I have a whole plan to build a stealthy-like life as a woman, not a trans woman. yeah, peeps can dig into your past, but I wouldn'thang out with someone like this who digs around your life like that. I have a BF for that lol
I'm sure this is already been said but many post-op trans*people just go on with their lives.
Maybe they wish to be stealth, maybe they just feel like they've moved on from needing support, maybe they don't feel "trans" describes them anymore, maybe they aren't comfortable with that chapter in their life anymore, or any number of things. It's naive to assume that just because a post-op trans person "disappears" that they are unhappy with their new life. People, not just trans people, sometimes change as time goes on. They want to do things differently and sometimes feel that the past dampens their future so they "forget" it. There's nothing wrong with that.
Those statistics are meaningless though, they're so general that you can infer anything from them. Out vs not out doesn't make a distinction for where people are in their transition. People early in their transition, where you don't really have a choice of being out and they're under a lot of stress likely have a higher incidence of suicidal ideation and attempts, where as someone long term post op who has made the choice to be out, most likely because they surround by people who accept them are probably less likely to be under stress and have anxiety about being trans and likely to have a lower incidence of suicidal ideation and attempts. Without a more detailed break down those stats prove nothing.
The satisafaction rate for SRS is something like 98 percent. About 1 percent kill themselves, though this was a small study of maybe 5,000 Swedish MTF trans girls. The satisfaction rate for shoulder surgery is like 50 percent, I think. Something like that. SRS has one of highest satisfaction rates of all surgeries. I remember when I was 15 or 16, my friend and future lover (who is dead now) told me that I should seriously consider doing it, as so many become depressed and commit suicide. He knew because it was impossible to hide how femme I looked when I was younger. Even with a shaved head, I looked cis. I believe people started calling me a Manson girl or Squeeky Fromm.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on November 27, 2014, 11:32:58 AM
Really?I don't think so. Doctors are bound by patient confidentiality first off, so unless you give them a signed letter to go around talking about you, I would hardly consider telling your doc or OBGYN as being "out." To me, being out is when you actively tell people you trans, possibly have the same job as pre-transition, or are an activist. Telling your doctor or BF/GF you're trans isn't really out. it's letting people in on the intimate details of your life. I would not equate being intimate or telling doctors as being out. What if no one else knows, you moved 3,000 miles away, and no ones knows except two people? Two people who won't tell and everyone else assumes you're cis. Yeah, if you want to be super literal, I guess that is out and you're not stealth. So I respectfully disagree.
Agreed 100%. Frankly a definition of stealth that includes no doctors could cause all kinds of health issues (early osteoporosis from lack of hormones comes to mind. We're otherwise supposed to do our own endocrinology, I suppose?) Beyond that it's a lot more gray, but I see it as a bad idea to "introduce" people to a background I've gone to the ends of the earth and back to dig myself out of. That is anti personal-dignity in every way possible. Inevitables like family I've extensively coached on how to not be evil.
For me the only case BF/GF are the least bit relevant is children. If they want biological children I can eventually reveal I'm infertile, but even at that, lots of cis people are. I know ways of using words that would reveal this without lying or saying too little and still without it being a tell. Stealth police can stay far away, especially after I pointed out how there's statistical evidence that stealth is good.
Quote from: GeorgE on November 28, 2014, 08:31:19 AM
Hello, I often read posts dealing with goals of 'passing', as in being seen and accepted as the gender one sees was intended. Don't we want to get past the transition stage and move on to just being male or female? Who really wants to be transsexual?
The end of my unpleasant 'transition' cannot come fast enough. When that time comes (it will come), please do not remind me about being a transsexual! I promise to give (money) at the office.
"In a nutshell",: Well said! Thank you.