I have noticed that many trans-people (although, I am mostly talking about trans women) have obvious signs of their transgendered-ness as children, where they played with dolls and tried on girl's clothing if and when they could. My childhood was not really like that though. My personality as a child was highly introverted, quiet, shy, socially awkward/aloof, geeky (I could have an extremely vast knowledge on subjects that interested me that both people my age and people older than me lacked), sometimes unfocused on what did not interest me, had a sense of humor, and I had an explosive temper that would occasionally get into trouble at school and kept me in what seemed like constant trouble at home. My interests were stereotypically masculine (interests in science-y things and military things) and gender neutral (I read a lot of books, and thought it was weird that other children didn't have as many books or the same interest in reading as I did). I didn't fit in well and felt a little out of place in hyper-masculine jock-type environments (hunting and playing on a football team were not part of my childhood in semi-rural Indiana) and faced some bullying. I have always felt "safer" around females, but I had both male and female friends, with both being very close friends at times. As far as stereo-typically feminine play goes, it was mostly in my earlier childhood, and was usually initiated by mysister or a friend who later turned out to be gay, but was still kind of fun at the time.I played sports like tae-kwon-do, cross-country, and track and field. The home i grew up was not that religious, especially by Indiana standards, but my parents in my childhood wouldn't be described as extremely open-minded by 2014 standards.
I still feel i am a woman inside and that i should have a female body, speech, mannerisms, more feminine emotional expression, and a more feminine social role. I feel gross and unsexy about my male body in many ways. Seeing my facial hair in the mirror and hearing my own voice makes me feel horrible. when it comes to parts, not only do feel kind of gross when I look at or touch them, but often times I feel deprived of the "right parts" I also now feel like i was raised by wolves because i was raised as a boy and feel like I have to learn how to be "socially feminine" and feel deprived in this area too. When I go out (even if it's only to a gay bar) dressed in female clothing and some makeup i feel more comfortable with myself and i feel really good when people there refer to me as "Rachel, "she", "her", and sometimes "honey." Although I have what i now recognize as tg feelings in the past, it is happening very fast now and is a little scary, like something went suddenly went off in my mind. For me, the time I spend having to live in a male role has become soul-crushing. I still wonder if i am trans because i didn't really act like a girl as a child, wear dresses, or initiate stereo-typically feminine play as a child. But straight people (referring to cis-hetero people with vanilla preferences) do not question their gender and obsess over it, sites like this hold little appeal for them even if they are tolerant of us or are allies, the thought of taking cross-sex hormones and getting srs makes them cringe, and straight males really, really do not like being referred to as she.
I guess the answer is if you are questioning you gender more than just the occasional "hmm wonder what it would be like if..."
I never bothered questioning it when I was younger, tucked it back in my mind. Had the idea of "Dressing up" beaten out of me...
Now that I am older and living my life for me, I now question it... Why was I not allowed to like colors, paint on my nails, enjoy pretty thing... Why was showing emotion such a no no...
Like Stevie Nicks says..
I've been afraid of changing, cuz I built my life around you
but time makes you bolder, children get older , I'm getting older too.
(Landslide)
Love,
Jade
:-*
Well I'm one of those kids that loved wearing girls clothes yet my interests are primarily science, tech, outdoors, guns, martial arts, ham radio etc etc. I am not into crafts,knitting, drawing and sewing. I am into cooking. I love my kids and I'm not an absentee parent like some fathers are. I take somewhat equal share of child care duties.
In the end does that really matter? No it does not.
What really defines me and my gender identity is how I feel about myself and what I want to see in the mirror, and what I want to be.
Conforming is for some people but not for me.
i'm mostly worried that I might be insane or crazy. if I am not crazy it would be easier for my parents to understand I am transgendered if I had played with dolls and wore princess dresses as a child just like it made sense to them when one my childhood friends turned out to be gay.
Quote from: rachel89 on December 06, 2014, 04:25:27 PM
I have noticed that many trans-people (although, I am mostly talking about trans women) have obvious signs of their transgendered-ness as children, where they played with dolls and tried on girl's clothing if and when they could. My childhood was not really like that though.
I doubt it. My childhood wasn't like that either. Beware of fabricating memories like that, because I known a bunch who did just that to justify their feelings. Therapists are trained to see through this and they will say that it is okay if you haven't had "obvious signs" in childhood, because if you did you would already be transitioned, right? On the flip side, we can also have blocked out memories and signs, because they were too painful. I discovered that I did. When I transitioned, some memories came back and I accepted for example that I fancied guys, instead of girls. But there was this stigma that I would be seen as a gay then, so I fell in love with woman. We're quite the bundle of wires you know!
Inside we are just shattered, and one day all these repressed feelings might surface, like it has surfaced with you. So my advice would be: try to listen to your feelings, try to remember your past and browse through it... I found that when I did that, I noticed things that were strange... such as: I imagined to be a female when I was a child. I completely forgot about that. One time I remember I put on my sisters underwear. I completely forgot about that, because I was bullied for it in gym class, when the other boys saw my underwear, with RED ROSES on them! YES! I blocked memories,
because I was bullied for them. It ruined my life. It is possible such memories will come back to you, now that you are in the phase of acceptance. Do not be afraid, and just let these things flow into your mind. All in all I have few memories, not that much. Small signs, but they do not matter. I never played with dolls. My sister also played with trucks. And she's as cis as cis can be. Oh, well... just listen to your heart.
Quote from: rachel89 on December 06, 2014, 06:35:21 PM
i'm mostly worried that I might be insane or crazy. if I am not crazy it would be easier for my parents to understand I am transgendered if I had played with dolls and wore princess dresses as a child just like it made sense to them when one my childhood friends turned out to be gay.
It is more complex than that.
No you are not crazy. It sounds more like you've kind of fallen into the same trap I did for a bit which is worry about whether you'd be accepted as transgender because of the whole stereotype of what it means to be this or that gender. But in the end I can tell you it's all just a pipe dream for marketers really. Gender has nothing really to do with hobbies or interests. Gender is really about your inner self, how you really see yourself, and I mean REALLY see yourself. To put an example on it my Mom hates dresses and make-up but has a closet of purses and does her nails every now and then. I would never question her gender, mainly because I like to eat, but besides that she doesn't fit all the stereotypes but that doesn't make her less a woman. Why should that be any different for transgender individuals?
I played with he-man figures, star wars figures and had an action man or two. I liked spiderman cartoons and played violent video games, watched action movies and horror films.
I played with my sisters toys but got told off.
but I wanted to play female characters in childhood role playing games, which stopped after bullying, but was always there, but in a shameful way.
I moved onto reading fantasy books with female protagonists. So internalized it.
If you were able to press a button and turn forever into a woman, would you?
If you were told you could never be a woman, not ever, how would you feel?
Your answers to these can help guide you. Most cis gender male bodied people would never want to press that button, would be glad to know they could never be one. For me it is the exact opposite. For the record I never wore dresses as a child, I had some action figures and plush toys but no dolls.
If you are struggling with your gender identity please consider seeing a counsellor who might be able to help you.
Welcome to Susan's
Being trans and being repressed is a living a very fragmented life full of turmoil.
Only you can ultimately know if you are trans. A gender therapist will help you to understand and guide you.
So here were some of the ways I played, my hobbies, and interests when I was a child.
When I was very young, i was obsessed with construction equipment and had an ungodly large collection of Tonka toys.
Later i became more interested interested in military themed toys and ended with a very large collection.
Construction toys like Legos and similar toys, which took up untold time during my childhood.
For a time, Star Wars (movies, books, toys, and video games) was a huge part of my childhood.
I loved action movies and violent video games and other video games.
Almost anything science related.
My science interests developed into an interest in rocketry with (it went a little beyond "toys" when I was able to start using ammonium perchlorate/aluminum powder propellant), which was a hobby I pursued for years.
I liked basketball, but was horrible at sports involving a ball. In the sports area, I was into martial arts and running.
Some of my favorite books were the Harry Potter books and the Series of Unfortunate Events, which were also favorites of my sister.
Going back to the "feminine" play when I was much younger. I do not remember if and how much (If I did) play with my sisters toys. The playing that was feminine involved my sister and my neighbor (the one who is gay) where we would engage in role playing type games, that according my parents were feminine (they didn't tell me at the time, and waited until he came out the closet when he was in college), they were probably right, the games occasionally took a slightly sexual turn and would occasionally involve kissing on the lips (for some reason he always chose me, and never my sister, and i did not really understand at the time) I didn't really think of it as "gay" or "girls play" at the time, just play.
Going up to my teenage years I did a lot of running, did not fit in because I was percieved as socially awkard/nerdy/queer (and found out that using physical violence against bullies really does work), was involved with Amnesty International in High School, occasionally a class clown, and developed a deep interest in politics ( (libertarian, socialist, progressive, liberal, anarchist, but always strongly anti-authoritarian)and read Howard Zinn. I was also deeply angry at the time, took an interest in guns, passionately hated most people at my school, listened to plenty of Slipknot, Rammstein, and Marilyn Manson. That part of me mostly died after graduation, while the more gentler,kinder, open-minded, but opinionated part of me is still part of who I am now .
I do not necessarily regret the male things I have done or things i have done while living as a male (my personal flaws like being unfocused, being chronically late, and having a short temper with my family aside) because many of them were very fun at the time and are still in someway part of me as a woman. While not every "male thing" (except for the facial and body hair, masculine facial features, guy voice, guy manners, and the stuff downstairs ;)) has to go away and forever disappear, there also needs to be a lot more room for my feminine aspects because I am a woman and it feels good when i am being feminine.
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 06, 2014, 08:40:09 PM
If you were able to press a button and turn forever into a woman, would you?
If you were told you could never be a woman, not ever, how would you feel?
+1
I did not even read your last post ( I will after I write this)
There is nothing that is either male or female in our activities. it is only perceived as such. Pink is not a girl color, it was actually once a boy color back in the day. Sometimes I feel female because I am treated as a second class person, like my opinion is just cute or don't matter much... What is truly important is how you perceive yourself... how do you perceive yourself ?
*HINT*
woman is the life giving energy of the universe... not all woman can bring forth life but it is their energy that keeps us going!
If there was just a button I could push, I wouldn't be having this conversation right now and probably would have done it years earlier.
If someone told me I could never be a woman, not ever, I would feel invalidated and be either enraged or depressed. I feel that my response would be really bad though.
Quote from: rachel89 on December 06, 2014, 10:49:34 PM
If there was just a button I could push, I wouldn't be having this conversation right and probably would have done it years earlier.
If someone told me I could never be a woman, not ever, I would feel invalidated and be either enraged or depressed. I feel that my response would be really bad though.
I wish there was a button soooooo bad....
Quote from: rachel89 on December 06, 2014, 10:49:34 PM
If there was just a button I could push, I wouldn't be having this conversation right now and probably would have done it years earlier.
If someone told me I could never be a woman, not ever, I would feel invalidated and be either enraged or depressed. I feel that my response would be really bad though.
Well, I think you might have an answer to your question... ::)
Once you'll identified the problem, then you can start to fix it.
I could have started at the age of 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 28, 30 but I didn't understand the problem, so I could not fix it. Only at the age of 32 I understood my problem, and started my journey to fix it.
So please don't beat yourself up on things you could not know. Rather, try to understand your current problem and then start looking for a solution. Your problem seems to be that you do not feel male, but feel female, you identify as a woman. So work from there. Or if you doubt, try therapy to figure out the problem.
If a little girl enjoyed playing with trucks, loved star wars, and action films, would that mean she wasn't a girl? Nope. just 'cause you aren't feminine doesn't mean you aren't female...and, not to be overbold here, but going by what you've said I'm virtually certain that you're trans. If you want to be female, you're trans-feminine child or not.
so how i played as a child isn't as good of an indicator of transgender status as things like feeling depressed about my appearance (even when gay men think i look cute in a male body). It would be perfectly understandable for a woman to be horribly disgusted by facial hair on her, while a man would like his facial hair, and if he didn't he would feel sloppy, not disgusted, but I am disgusted. Men usually do not want a higher voice unless they are singers, I do. Men usually want to be more muscular, not less, unless they are long distance runners or have some other specific reason. Men, except for drag queens and cross-dressers (which could arguably be on the transgender spectrum somewhere) wouldn't want to wear women's clothes, especially in public, I do. Men do not think about having a vagina outside of a thought experiment for laughs, I do. The thought getting srs would make them cringe, while it sounds liberating to me, even if there is pain. Men do not want boobs. Men do not feel "shut out" when they see other women laughing and talking because they do not have the skills to communicate as a female, this happens to me. Men do not like to be referred to as she, respond to perceived insults against their masculinity with extreme violence, it feels good when people refer to me with feminine pronouns. non CD/drag queen cisgender men have no desire to be here unless they have someone in their lives who is trans, are trying to cause problems, or are creepy ->-bleeped-<-s. Cisgender people would not go near the "magic sex change button" and although they might feel empathy for a trans person, they do not feel personally injured when they are they are told they cannot live as the opposite sex.
Well it sounds to me like you are answering your own question pretty resoundingly...
Quote from: rachel89 on December 07, 2014, 04:27:39 PM
...Men, except for drag queens and cross-dressers (which could arguably be on the transgender spectrum somewhere) wouldn't want to wear women's clothes, especially in public, I do.
Actually CDs and DQs are considered to be part of the spectrum. They are also welcome members on this site, just FYI :)
I can come to terms with being transgender, but how did that aspect of me go from being "background noise" I could barely understand to what is probably gender dysphoria (I really only feel some relief when i can put on make-up when wear the right clothing, public cross-dressing, trying (and failing) to talk like a woman, closely watching other women to copy their mannerisms, liking female pronouns, feeling confused about my sexuality, trying not feel depressed when i look into the mirror (btw, I've hated, hated, hated facial hair since the first hair grew on my face, and while boys thought is was cool they could finally shave and look like men, I just wanted the disgusting thing to go away), and dreaming about replacing the "wrong parts" with the "right parts". The first time I said I would rather be a woman was in the summer in 2013, when I had too much to drink, and let my feelings pour out, with some people I thought would be accepting. They could dismiss it as me being intoxicated and I could get my feelings out and then forget about it and would go on with my life. The feelings didn't really go away, I was just depressed, and became busy with other things so I didn't address it. During summer 2014 I came to realize just how uneasy I feel acting masculine in a hyper-masculine environment, I had also started following LGBT news, particularly the "T" more closely than usual for some reason. In September I got a new job, where I mostly work with women. I felt much more comfortable than I had in a long time, but for reasons I do not really understand, made a last ditch effort at acting hyper masculine. That episode made feel ridiculous, like I was doing a clownish impression of a man. By October i started cross-dressing and frequenting Susan's. Near the end of October I began to realize I was probably transgender and came out privately to a person who works with PFLAG.
Well, basic psychodynamics tell us that when we experience something traumatic or stigmatized, such as gender dysphoria, we repress it-that is, we burry the feelings deep in our subconscious, and they tend to emerge later in life. It's only natural that you'd experience these feelings more intensely than when you first discovered you felt this way; as you begin to uncover more and more of these feelings, it's sometimes like a floodgate has been opened-I know it was for me. But, as you become more in touch with your dysphoria, it'll feel more manageable as time goes on, especially if you seek treatment (i.e hormones, transitioning, etc).
One of the ways I knew Im a girl and still do is that whenever someone refers to me as a man, sir or groups me in with men, I get really uncomfortable. Ill start thinking Im a girl, not a boy. It's tough to hear but for me it was a good indication that Im trans and helped me figure out some of my confusion.
I don't like it when i called him/he/sir and get kind of annoyed. When my parents treat me like a guy, I start to get really irritable with them, and I kind of feel sorry for them, because they have no idea why I am getting so easily irritated by them.
Quote from: rachel89 on December 07, 2014, 11:14:56 PM
I don't like it when i called him/he/sir and get kind of annoyed. When my parents treat me like a guy, I start to get really irritable with them, and I kind of feel sorry for them, because they have no idea why I am getting so easily irritated by them.
Rachel,
I'm really glad that you found this place because it seems pretty obvious that you have pretty high transgender leanings. Can I ask you, are you trying to talk yourself out of this?
The reason I ask is that although your feelings and desires are pointing you in this direction, you seem to be trying to negate it with other explanations. I grew up hating sports, but loving the ninja turtles, dinosaurs,and computer games. There is no strictly male or female way to grow up, and that's the truth.
It is not weird for you to not regret your life or your interests, but to still detest your physical form. Your gender is the only part of your identity that is currently in question; how you express your gender is a separate subject. Just as there are men that love sewing and fashion, there are women that love contact sports and wrenching on cars.Don't overthink, or let gender stereotypes and clichés get you all confused.
I think that you have answered the pertinent questions. Do you feel wrong living as a man? You said yes. Would it feel right living as a woman? You also answered in the affirmative. Don't overthink it at this point, just relax, do some research, and listen to yourself. You'll figure it out.
Welcome to the forum, Rachel. It's good to have another little sister.
-Tegan
Be warned, I am having a really bad day. I'm worried about alot of things like coming out, acceptance, discrimination, and the astronomical cost HRT and surgery. Dealing with family is the scariest part, where "normal" seems highly valued, especially with my mother. I think it would go past what they are willing to tolerate, especially while I am having a pretty rocky relationship with my parents and arguments start between me and my parents and between my parents the most petty reasons (my sister is really lucky to have her own life right now and I think I can understand why she gets a little snippy after a couple of days here) and when I'm involved arguments seem to go from zero to sixty in about 3 seconds. I would describe myself as depressed, moody, and having an explosive temper when it comes to nagging. My mother is incredibly petty, too conservative, and emotionally fragile. My father is intrusive, a little overbearing, and seems to have trouble with empathy, and has a stupid sense of humor that only make serious situations a little more awkward. When it comes to extended family, especially on my mother's side, I am expected to be "normal" and put on a smile when I visit them because "they won't understand", even if I am dying on the inside. My father's side is more open, but not super open and things aren't that great there either with my grandfather passing away last winter and my grandmother who is likely in the early stages of dementia/senility and watches Fox "News" almost constantly (If I ever saw Roger Ailes in person, I would spit in his face for leading my family members to believe in foolish and absurd things and for robbing my grandmother of happiness with a constant stream fear and panic). I would love for my family to accept me as Rachel, but I am not sure they would, so I am afraid I will have to disappear like witness protection people do and leave behind many people here who do love me and would accept me as Rachel. It would be so much easier if I were just a gay male. I would love to transition and maybe get a little jealous when I see other girl's extremely successful transitions. The only thing other than family that I am super worried about is the possibility I am having a delusion that I am transgender instead of actually being transgender. In any case something has to change, I was so depressed today that I skipped work after getting ready to go. The depression/dysphoria feels very real and is destroying me on the inside. I don't think I deserve to feel this way even for my sins of being a huge procrastinator, spending too much of my parents money in the past, being argumentative of and sometimes outright mean, drinking too much, not picking up after myself, being inflexible, etc. Maybe I should consider paying something back to my parents and cut back on the alcohol, but I don't deserve to live in a "black hole" of depression and dysphoria for it. Maybe if it's just a delusion, I won't have to turn my life upside down to be happy. I don't really care if hair removal, FFS, and SRS are a painful, I'm worried about emotional pain being inflicted on me by people in my life who don't understand or don't want to understand.
Rachel-
I had a very typical boy upbringing with no tendencies to play with dolls or any of that stuff. I played in little league, had numerous motorcycles, and even had a full blown drag race car. I dated girls, got married and had kids, and started my own business.
Through all of this I knew that I was different and that I didn't fit in. Others saw it in me too all along, but I sure didn't. A very perceptive female friend once told me that she thought I was "different" and she had even discussed it with her husband. I unfortunately never asked what the difference was that she perceived.
In fact, I was pretty convinced I was a red blooded macho male in every possible way...... until i hit my early 40s. When that happened I began to figure myself out, and over a period of a few years I realized that I am a girl - a transsexual.
Whoops.
Now, looking back - i clearly see the signs.
So, things we did or liked in our early childhoods may or may not point toward us being trans.
Are you seeing a gender therapist? I've taken that same alcohol ride before that you mentioned just before I broke down and made an appointment with a gender therapist.
Many of us have faced similar choices and we made it through, although we've all lost people and things along the way.
Only you can say if you think you are transgender or not - none of us can make that determination.
I think I am transgender, but it is still pretty scary because it is pretty rare, there are days where dysphoria and depression are all consuming and debilitating while days where I don't feel anything sometimes make me doubt, and all the consequences of coming out. I am at a low point right now, I don't feel like I have room to be myself, slivovitz won't wash away my pain, the people in my life who do know are are very supportive of LGBT causes but don't have the experience to deal with the more complex issues because I am the first trans person they know, and I don't know where to find a good therapist .
Quote from: rachel89 on December 10, 2014, 11:45:58 PM
I think I am transgender, but it is still pretty scary because it is pretty rare, there are days where dysphoria and depression are all consuming and debilitating while days where I don't feel anything sometimes make me doubt, and all the consequences of coming out. I am at a low point right now, I don't feel like I have room to be myself, slivovitz won't wash away my pain, the people in my life who do know are are very supportive of LGBT causes but don't have the experience to deal with the more complex issues because I am the first trans person they know, and I don't know where to find a good therapist .
Rachel,
I think finding a therapist would be a great first step. No matter how many times you run the facts back to yourself, it's always nice to receive the validation of a trained professional.
You talk about being nervous that your dysphoria, though overwhelming at times, also fades in the background some of the time. Well, let me ask you this: you seem pretty keen on being a woman, judging by your own admissions; are there times when you are super keen on being a guy? You talk about feeling feminine, and how your lack of bodily femininity bothers you at times. Well, when you are not lamenting your lack of a female anatomy, how do you feel about your male anatomy? Do you celebrate it at those times? Does it feel right, like you're in the correct body?
You're scared. That's very understandable. This can be such a scary situation, and standing at the edge of it can be terrifying. Is the cost worth the results, you might be asking yourself. Let's put it this way, if your gender identity is something that you think about most days, then it is worth finding out why.
There are lots of resources for finding a therapist in your area. I would suggest doing that. And in the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to bone up on some literature. My suggestion would be True Selves: Understanding Transexualism by Mildred Brown, which is a great book to pass on to supportive allies once you've finished with it.
Hey, p.m. me if you need to chat, okay?
-Teg
It looks like I can no longer delay going into a therapist's office. Because of my little episode of dysphoria, I missed work and was no call/no show My supervisor was not very happy today about no the call/now show, but I told her a half truth (I did have a horrible episode of depression or anxiety yesterday, but left out the whole thing about gender issues). I think she understands I am going through something really bad, but she now want me to bring in a note from a doctor/shrink to confirm I am going through something and not just skipping for fun. I knew I was going to have see a therapist or something, I didn't expect it to end up happening like this. Today was not fun, but I am now in a situation where I am obligated to get myself out of the "black hole" of dysphoria/depression.
Quote from: rachel89 on December 11, 2014, 11:08:58 PM
It looks like I can no longer delay going into a therapist's office. Because of my little episode of dysphoria, I missed work and was no call/no show My supervisor was not very happy today about no the call/now show, but I told her a half truth (I did have a horrible episode of depression or anxiety yesterday, but left out the whole thing about gender issues). I think she understands I am going through something really bad, but she now want me to bring in a note from a doctor/shrink to confirm I am going through something and not just skipping for fun. I knew I was going to have see a therapist or something, I didn't expect it to end up happening like this. Today was not fun, but I am now in a situation where I am obligated to get myself out of the "black hole" of dysphoria/depression.
Don't look at it as an unpleasant obligation; this is what you want anyway, right? To be happy? To find answers, so that you can move forward? That's the path you're now on, sister, so go ahead and surrender to it.
I sent you a private message. I hope when we chat that we can find a way to help you see a positive outlook.
You're going to be fine, Rachel. We're here. And it does get better.
Hang in there,
Teg
Apparently cisgender people don't question their gender all the time. They almost never do.
I stopped asking myself "how do I know if I am really trans" about 2 hours after my first dose of estrogen. It made me feel SO MUCH BETTER and I knew then and there that I could never stop taking it. Usually cis males become irritable, cranky and depressed when they get exposed to estrogen. Transwomen, not so much... Yup, I'm trans alright! Pass the estrogen, please.
Quote from: Jill F on December 12, 2014, 05:44:48 PM
Apparently cisgender people don't question their gender all the time. They almost never do.
I stopped asking myself "how do I know if I am really trans" about 2 hours after my first dose of estrogen. It made me feel SO MUCH BETTER and I knew then and there that I could never stop taking it. Usually cis males become irritable, cranky and depressed when they get exposed to estrogen. Transwomen, not so much... Yup, I'm trans alright! Pass the estrogen, please.
Jill, that is super interesting; I've never heard that. Where did that information come from?
Unlike you, I cannot claim that I felt different mere hours after my first shot, but I definitely feel better now, six weeks in.The last time I sat down with my gender therapist, I was struggling to find things to talk about. That says a lot.
But Jill is right, Rachel. The average guy finds the idea of losing his penis horrifying, not satisfying.
There is a movie by Pedro Almodovar called The Skin I Live In. It's a Spanish language film, and stars Antonio Banderas as the antagonist. Basically, he is an insane surgeon who abducts a young man and it transforms him into a beautiful woman. In its reviews, it is described as "body horror", which is the same genre that they stick Cronenberg's films like The Fly (with those truly nauseating transformation sequences). The thing is, I did not find it horrific, not in the least. Every male reviewer were described it as hard to watch, but I could not take my eyes away, and could not stop thinking "if only." I think that speaks volumes.
Would you have reacted pretty much the same way to a story like that? Your answer is not without significance.
-Teg
Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on December 12, 2014, 06:03:46 PM
Jill, that is super interesting; I've never heard that. Where did that information come from?
My former therapist (I no longer see one), has a PhD and dissected trans* brains as part of her study. It seems that transwomen's brains fail to masculinize fully, or even at all in utero, so our brains basically end up wired female. There are degrees of this phenomenon occurring, so there is evidence that gender really is a spectrum, not a binary. A female brain has a lot more estrogen receptors in it than a male brain does, and when the receptors don't get the right hormones, they don't release the right endorphines and neurotransmitters, and voila- a major facet of gender dysphoria! When my brain finally got its candy, it was like this thing that had been clamping down on my brain since I was about 12 suddenly began to release itself, I had a clear head, and I kept finding myself smiling and happy, where my life was pretty much sturm-und-drang until then. When I finally got the orchiectomy, the sun really came out. The entire weight had been lifted, I was finally T-free, and I had never been happier.
It seems my brain really wasn't wired to run on T. Conversely, guys seen to thrive on the stuff. Ask any transguy how much better they feel after their shot or older cisguys after treatment for low T.
I finally got an appointment with a psychologist. He is LGBT-friendly and also happens to be gay himself, so even if he is not the worlds foremost expert on transsexualism, he will probably know more than most, and will at least be someone to talk to even if he directs me to a gender therapist.
Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on December 12, 2014, 06:03:46 PM
Jill,
There is a movie by Pedro Almodovar called The Skin I Live In. It's a Spanish language film, and stars Antonio Banderas as the antagonist. Basically, he is an insane surgeon who abducts a young man and it transforms him into a beautiful woman.
-Teg
So I could get taken away by handsome doctor and turned into a beautiful woman, and it doesn't even cost anything, isn't that more of a fantasy than a movie?
Quote from: rachel89 on December 12, 2014, 07:28:49 PM
So I could get taken away by handsome doctor and turned into a beautiful woman, and it doesn't even cost anything, isn't that more of a fantasy than a movie?
Sadly, no. And even if this was a possibility, I'm afraid you would have to get to the back of the line, sweetie.
But nice try. ;)
I have a feeling that men wouldn't take this so lightly, so i am probably not a man (although sex change operation is not the least painful medical procedure ever devised). Maybe it was a horror film because a man made it, if transsexual woman made the film, maybe it could be a romantic comedy, or maybe something else, where a cute doctor eventually helps the woman dilate in an organic manner;) (am I over the line yet)?
Quote from: rachel89 on December 12, 2014, 09:39:13 PM
I have a feeling that men wouldn't take this so lightly, so i am probably not a man (although sex change operation is not the least painful medical procedure ever devised). Maybe it was a horror film because a man made it, if transsexual woman made the film, maybe it could be a romantic comedy, or maybe something else, where a cute doctor eventually helps the woman dilate in an organic manner;) (am I over the line yet)?
I can't even see the line anymore. ;)
Glad to see that your spirits seem to be lifting.
-Teg
Quote from: Jill F on December 12, 2014, 06:56:19 PM
My former therapist (I no longer see one), has a PhD and dissected trans* brains as part of her study. It seems that transwomen's brains fail to masculinize fully, or even at all in utero, so our brains basically end up wired female. There are degrees of this phenomenon occurring, so there is evidence that gender really is a spectrum, not a binary. A female brain has a lot more estrogen receptors in it than a male brain does, and when the receptors don't get the right hormones, they don't release the right endorphines and neurotransmitters, and voila- a major facet of gender dysphoria! When my brain finally got its candy, it was like this thing that had been clamping down on my brain since I was about 12 suddenly began to release itself, I had a clear head, and I kept finding myself smiling and happy, where my life was pretty much sturm-und-drang until then. When I finally got the orchiectomy, the sun really came out. The entire weinght had been lifted, I was finally T-free, and I had never been happier.
It seems my brain really wasn't wired to run on T. Conversely, guys seen to thrive on the stuff. Ask any transguy how much better they feel after their shot or older cisguys after treatment for low T.
My therapist had a similar understanding. Our brains are wired for estrogen.
When I started on a transitioning dose of HRT there was nothing.... and nothing..... and nothing.... and then about 6 weeks later suddenly I woke up to a different world - one with color, and vibrancy, and happiness. And the dysphoria was pretty much gone too. It was 180 degrees from how I had been feeling previously.
That's what happens when the correct hormones get into our brains.
So I am wondering if my personality has anything in common with other girls pre-HRT girls. I usually have a dark/gloomy personality and happiness tends to be a very occasional feeling rather than a regular part of my life. I am definitely a nerd and socially awkward (possibly Asperger's) I can definitely have an off-colour sense of humor. I can have tremendous empathy for others, but have lots of trouble expressing it (I have an interest in social justice type of causes). I can be also be quite cynical. I can be a procrastinator. Also, I have a "Mother of Satan" temper (I can bring witnesses). BTW, I think that other trans women might have had the "Mother of Satan" temper pre-HRT, possibly because a female brain plays a role in making people more emotionally sensitive, while testosterone causes people to react in a very "male" way to those emotions. Many people, cis and trans have some of these, but I am wondering if any stand out for trans women.
I can't speak for any other girls, but this sounds a LOT like me pre-hormones. I can't say that it's something exclusive to trans women though; I think anyone who'se been pretending to be someone else, repressing that sort of pain is going to be a bit messed up, and all the things you describe are common ways of coping: Disassociation, depression, disconnection, cynicism...I'm well versed in them all hon. It sounds to me like you're just becoming aware of a lifetime of repression, and all of the consequences it has caused you :/ I really hope you can get back out of that pit; not to be a circa-2009 cliche, but it does get better!
Quote from: Jill F on December 12, 2014, 05:44:48 PM
Apparently cisgender people don't question their gender all the time. They almost never do.
Seems about right. I asked my wife if she ever did, she said "never." She also said she loves being a woman but doesn't think about it constantly.
I wish there was an easy way to test for a difference in the estrogen receptor/testosterone receptor ratio, but I'm not sure there is a good say to do it other than to "take the red pill" and go down the rabbit hole. I find it amazing that it takes only a methyl group and a hydroxyl or ketone group on a molecule to make the difference between gender dysphoria and living in the right body with a the right brain chemistry.
BTW, why is gender dysphoria the only medical condition where some people find it acceptable to stigmatize, discriminate against, beat, rape, and brutally murder patients who seek legitimate treatment for for it by living as their gender?
Quote from: rachel89 on December 13, 2014, 04:17:47 PM
I wish there was an easy way to test for a difference in the estrogen receptor/testosterone receptor ratio, but I'm not sure there is a good say to do it other than to "take the red pill" and go down the rabbit hole. I find it amazing that it takes only a methyl group and a hydroxyl or ketone group on a molecule to make the difference between gender dysphoria and living in the right body with a the right brain chemistry.
BTW, why is gender dysphoria the only medical condition where some people find it acceptable to stigmatize, discriminate against, beat, rape, and brutally murder patients who seek legitimate treatment for for it by living as their gender?
Because, Rachel, most people have no idea what it is. They can't even relate. That makes it scary. And we all know that if something is scary, the basest human instinct is to attack. Our enemy more than anything else is ignorance. There's no clearer way to say that.