I have noticed that many trans-people (although, I am mostly talking about trans women) have obvious signs of their transgendered-ness as children, where they played with dolls and tried on girl's clothing if and when they could. My childhood was not really like that though. My personality as a child was highly introverted, quiet, shy, socially awkward/aloof, geeky (I could have an extremely vast knowledge on subjects that interested me that both people my age and people older than me lacked), sometimes unfocused on what did not interest me, had a sense of humor, and I had an explosive temper that would occasionally get into trouble at school and kept me in what seemed like constant trouble at home. My interests were stereotypically masculine (interests in science-y things and military things) and gender neutral (I read a lot of books, and thought it was weird that other children didn't have as many books or the same interest in reading as I did). I didn't fit in well and felt a little out of place in hyper-masculine jock-type environments (hunting and playing on a football team were not part of my childhood in semi-rural Indiana) and faced some bullying. I have always felt "safer" around females, but I had both male and female friends, with both being very close friends at times. As far as stereo-typically feminine play goes, it was mostly in my earlier childhood, and was usually initiated by mysister or a friend who later turned out to be gay, but was still kind of fun at the time.I played sports like tae-kwon-do, cross-country, and track and field. The home i grew up was not that religious, especially by Indiana standards, but my parents in my childhood wouldn't be described as extremely open-minded by 2014 standards.
I still feel i am a woman inside and that i should have a female body, speech, mannerisms, more feminine emotional expression, and a more feminine social role. I feel gross and unsexy about my male body in many ways. Seeing my facial hair in the mirror and hearing my own voice makes me feel horrible. when it comes to parts, not only do feel kind of gross when I look at or touch them, but often times I feel deprived of the "right parts" I also now feel like i was raised by wolves because i was raised as a boy and feel like I have to learn how to be "socially feminine" and feel deprived in this area too. When I go out (even if it's only to a gay bar) dressed in female clothing and some makeup i feel more comfortable with myself and i feel really good when people there refer to me as "Rachel, "she", "her", and sometimes "honey." Although I have what i now recognize as tg feelings in the past, it is happening very fast now and is a little scary, like something went suddenly went off in my mind. For me, the time I spend having to live in a male role has become soul-crushing. I still wonder if i am trans because i didn't really act like a girl as a child, wear dresses, or initiate stereo-typically feminine play as a child. But straight people (referring to cis-hetero people with vanilla preferences) do not question their gender and obsess over it, sites like this hold little appeal for them even if they are tolerant of us or are allies, the thought of taking cross-sex hormones and getting srs makes them cringe, and straight males really, really do not like being referred to as she.
