More of a psychologic question. Here on these fora we are often talking about passing, going stealth and living who you always wanted to be but I wonder. Are there people who do not want to pass 100%?
Transition for many can be sort of an addiction. A way of living without ever passing or with the feeling or never passing even if you might already do.
I am almost 6.2ft and well, I hear rumors that hormones can make you shrink (can someone tell me if this is correct or not? The other day I even saw a gender therapist (youtube) explain it but I just don't know anymore now x_x) even if just an inch or two. A lot with my height would love that. No more stares everywhere you go, awkward bathroom situations and just living the life as who you always wanted to be.
I always was the insecure kid. Together with my transition I gotten more confidence and liked to, if possible, be a role-model. Not to feel better than others but to motivate others to take more risks of which scare them. Just as how my role model has always been Andreja Pejic whenever I have doubts or feel insecure. Now I could wish for the perfect voice (working on it), 4 inches shorter (that be pretty short in the Netherlands) and being perfectly pass-able without doubt. I would probably blend in without being looked at much at all.
On some days I would love to fully blend in, but in general I do like it to have the possibility to make a change. To inspire people and change a narrow minded person just by introducing yourself.
Does anyone recognize this? Or do most just get the transition over with as soon as possible and get on with their life?
I'm a guy who looks good when he dresses as a woman. It's who I am and I wouldn't want to be known as anyone else.
"but in general I do like it to have the possibility to make a change. To inspire people and change a narrow minded person just by introducing yourself."
That I like!
Hugs, Devlyn
I'd love to have the capability of total invisibility , but I also acknowledge the basic fact that I'm transgender. walking down the avenue with no one having a clue , but I've lived far too long presenting as male to ignore that fact.
I want people who just meet me not to know I'm trans. I want it to be up to me when and whether people learn about my history.
But I generally want my friends to know. It's hard to be honest with them about my past and my thoughts without them knowing where I came from.
Wait the waiters. Just to add to it :P. Blending in does not mean being transgender or not, a gothic does not blend in either.
I would always prefer to blend in, but also being 6'2", that is not always possible. I'm not talking about passing, just a 6'2" lady walks by, people look. I wouldn't hope too much to shrink unless you're older, I didn't shrink at all.
I think that all prople get shorter as the get older, things compress and don't bounce back the same way, and if you're in transition when that happens, you give hormones credit for it. Maybe? I wish I could shrink.
Quote from: Kirey on December 12, 2014, 11:40:33 AM
Blending in does not mean being transgender or not, a gothic does not blend in either.
That is an awesome point. Plenty of people stand out quite remarkably for any number of reasons. Saw a woman (Maori from New Zealand I gather) with tattoos on her face yesterday, you can't be a lot more conspicuous than that.
I gather I blend in but I also stand out. So I
own the fact that I an a 6'3" woman since there is absolutely no hiding that... and my hair colour ensures people notice me. I believe (hope?) though that they notice me as a tall attractive* red haired woman and that is all.
Hide in plain sight.
*if I do say so myself...!
I am far too colorful, and an independent free spirit to ever blend in. So no, I do not want to blend into the grey mass of clones I see shuffling along. That is why I love my height, and in an awkward way I secretly think that being trans is something to be proud of, because it instantly sets you apart. To be a bit mysterious is something I like. The world has 3.5 billion other woman, more or less all look alike, all following the same trend. Too boring for me, but I am still a woman, and pass as one (usually, or mostly, it depends...)
I'm pretty happy where I am right now. Even with short hair people think me and my wife are a lesbian couple and that's if I don't wear any make-up. For the topics question I'm happy with blending in, I'm not ashamed to explain that I'm transgender when appropriate like today we had a Doctor's visit for our son and the nurse at first was asking if I was my wife's friend, sister, partner etc and I explained I was the father and transgender. If there's no reason to mention that I'm transgender I'm not going to bring it up most likely. I am glad that I stopped growing just before becoming super tall for a female and I'm only 5'8", still avoid heels most of the time.
I mean, it's all situational, right? I don't think there's a single person on earth who ever wants to blend in one hundred percent of the time, and if they do wish thus, I pity them. Just as dangerous though is someone who can never blend in anywhere-and that's the camp I'm sorta stuck in right now. It seems to me that all of us need to be able to hide in plain sight when we feel the need, though not all the time, for the sake of our mental health. There are days I totally love standing out, and others where I just want to fly under the radar and get on with my life...so, I don't think it's right to make this an all-or-nothing question! On many levels, I do own my trans-ness, but it's still nice to pass when I'm able to.
I do not blend in. I'm well known from TV etc as a transgender woman. I'm sort of proud of it - I'm special for many reasons, I see no reason to hide it. I understand why people want to go stealth, and maybe if I was younger I would have tried, but since I can't, I shall, very proudly stand in front of anyone and say, I'm transgender, got an issue with that ?
Because I fail to see why it is an issue.
I don't want strangers to know. My family and close friends, sure. I didn't want to be trans. I am a woman and I want to look and sound like one.
It's like being a U.S. citizen. I am one but I wasn't born one. I dislike when people try to distinguish between naturalized and natural born. So I can't run for president. Big deal. It's not like the average person can get elected anyway. I am a citizen and an American. Nothing more nothing less. I love this country as my own, certainly more than my birth country. Don't try to separate me from you as a citizen because you won the lottery of being born in the right country, or body for that matter.
Quote from: Hanazono on December 13, 2014, 07:08:24 AM
Quote from: Cindy on December 13, 2014, 06:32:48 AM
I do not blend in. I'm well known from TV etc as a transgender woman. I'm sort of proud of it - I'm special for many reasons, I see no reason to hide it. I understand why people want to go stealth, and maybe if I was younger I would have tried, but since I can't, I shall, very proudly stand in front of anyone and say, I'm transgender, got an issue with that ?
Because I fail to see why it is an issue.
[/quote
it's a zero sum game
out and proud and "free"
stealth and sisterhood and a quiet boring life...
I'm sorry your life is boring. Maybe you should take up a hobby.
I pass 100% and am mostly stealth by default rather than actually desiring that. I've considered changing my hair or clothing to look more "queer" as I relate to that and feel it would more accurately represent how I feel. I pass as a probably hetero cismale about 5+ years younger than I am, and I don't always like that. I don't want to be misread as a woman, but sometimes I want to be read as a trans man because I'm proud of this aspect of myself.
I wouldn't just stand by if there was someone actively saying something against the community. I just kind of blend as a go with the flow option. I have been talking to people about joining equal rights groups after I graduate and establish my nursing career.
I never wanted anything more than to blend in; I'm an introvert and shy, so I hate people looking at or paying attention to me. :)
That said, it actually means that on the occasions when I do voluntarily out myself, it makes an impression - we all have different lessons to teach based on our own life experiences and willingness, and mine occasionally is that the totally boring ordinary-looking woman over there could be trans*.
Quote from: Kirey on December 12, 2014, 10:40:34 AM
Does anyone recognize this? Or do most just get the transition over with as soon as possible and get on with their life?
I like to pass for the fact that I dont have to correct misgendering every single time I meet a stranger.
on the other hand I dont like blending in. After I transitioned I felt alot of people simple "belive im a normal guy" putting on the "normal expectations" on me.
this is true to one part im really not THAT special, On the other hand it also means alot of me automatically are being erasured.
Its not so much just for making a chance it more about not feeling I hide anything. like you could go around and then the people you hang out with out of sudden say something really transhobic because they belive you are cis, where when you dont blend in, those people would not talk to you in the first place, or maybe they will and would had educated themself by then?.
the only time I for sure want to blend in 100% is when I am in a dangerous situation where you as a lgbt person is on the risk of abuse, and that is only for the matter of safety.
I think I would just like it to be my choice whether I blend in at any particular time. Sure I like to be centre of attention sometimes but do I want to be that centre of attention because I'm a non-passing trans woman? nope, not really.
I rather enjoy being 6ft tall as it gives me a sense of security but as in looks, I am happy to blend in. It is just the flare in my character that stands out a bit... heh... just like my mum (exfoster mum) she is a wild one!
Blending in was never my goal... It sort of just happened. Now that it has I can say that it definitely has advantages and disadvantages. Probably more advantages in the long run, but I can't say I always like it.
In regards to one of your original questions, HRT does not make you "shrink" per se, but causes changes in muscle structure, especially in the upper body and back, that can result in small changes in total height.
Personally, I've lost about 1 inch total height since beginning HRT almost 27 months ago.
As for me, I do wish to blend in. I want my closest friends to know me, which includes knowing that I am trans but walking down the street I just want other people to see yet another woman going about her business.
i want to blend in. I am not afraid of people know i just like to be in control of it if i can be. So i am sure i will tell people here and there but for the most part i just want to be another one of the many woman walking down the street.
Vicky
MtF
I think its good art to learn as sometime u feel and sometime u need.I m from very conservative society so learnt that long time ago to survive even completed my education as mention female in gender column:) back than its not legally possible for us so have to do it.
Even over 6 ft can easily disguise all u need to focus how you present yourself and main main thing voice :)its always betrayed no matter how well disguised you are
I would suggest almost all of us do blend in sometime. Having walked the streets of many major american cities it seems one would have to be way plus flashy to get a second look. Even gaining eye contact is becoming rare. Ride mass transit and most folks are absorbed by some digital thing or ear bud music. Folks striking up a conversation are few and looked at with skepticism. This passing or not concern is hugely ours and is seemingly of little concern to the masses. I do my best not to worry about it.
In a more rural or smaller scale situation and particularly an intimate one we might expect more in depth consideration of our presentation and even then I find i can blend in with most genial people. It is establishing a relationship, not a beauty contest to me.
I do not want to blend in. That is, I don't want to be so unremarkable that I fade out of sight, or that I follow exactly the same trends as the rest of my circles.
What I would rather have is that I blend in with family and friends in the sense that I am accepted for who I am at all levels. I equate this to my maternal family, where I have never blended in and my parents have even been known to hear (from my mother's siblings) that "L is a bit different, isn't ze?" (gender neutral used in favour of their use of feminine). This comment was never in reference to my gender, but to my hearing, vision and spine issues which caused me to tilt my head to odd angles in order to see and hear well.
So, blend in as to be unremarkable? No. Blend in as in being accepted. Yes.
My Life Epitomizes "Blending In". I lived with the consequences of not blending in growing up, which had nothing to do with being trans, just different. Kids are viscous and those memories you never forget :'(
At my peak I was an even 6ft tall for a few decades. I calculate that by the time I am 267 I'll reach my goal height of 5'6" I dunno if it is gravity, old age, HRT or All of the Above but I have shrunk, which is normal for us old dinosaurs. Only 5'11" now. So not a lot. I'm only 58, so I got time ;D
As for the broader more philosophical response... When I first 'Experimented' with transitioning in my 20's, twice, it was a disaster. A negative self-esteem factor on top of the tons of shame, guilt, expecations, etc. pretty much derailed things. PLUS growing up I was a major, easily hit, target of ridicule and derision. Well, trying to be 'Normal' was a far far better approach (at the time) then facing a lifetime of the same S*$!T I grew up trying to deal with.
A friend of mine back then had a great joke. His father told him "Son... Fat Drunk and Stupid is no way go through through life", so I lost some weight. Well I tried the same approach
For me, "Transition" is attempting to make one whole, healthy, and eventually happy person out of all these disparate, totally isolated, walled off, compartamentalized bits I made of myself in order "To Survive" The energy separating, splitting me, came from Shame and Guilt.
Once I arrived at the point of feeling a bit better about myself, who I am, what I am, being able to actually say and FEEL the words, "I am a transsexual", I worried less about 'Others'. In a tiny way I allowed myself to revel and feel the sheer joy of being the REAL ME out in the real world, and not be consumed by my fears, my shame and overwhelmed by the feelings of "Some guy in a dress"
I obsess still over 'Fitting in", more from a point of if I do decide to fully transition possibly loosing the respect of my coworkers, I expect loss of 'Male Privileged", many members of my support group have said that. But for this formerly fat, mouth breathing, four eyed, stuttering, knuckle dragging moron, I found a niche in which I excel and perceptions can all change overnight. Thankfully my dysphoria has not reached the point where I constantly feel "I NEED to go full time".
However, I really really really now, more than ever, NEED to feel genuine. Well.. as a wise and saintly woman once said "We stand at the crossroads of gender balanced on the sharp edge of a knife"
i definitely want to blend in. i've always been within the minority, viewed as an oddity. now that i'm on t more males talk to me, they use male pronouns, and i no longer receive weird stares. i do get females checking me out (which is uncomfortable for both my girlfriend and i), but it could be worse, i guess. not being stealth isn't an option for me because i just want to live. stress free.
i do respect those of you who are open, but it's not for me... at times i even convince myself that i'm cis- is that wrong to do? + does anyone else do that?
I blend in, and I'm in stealth, I only have a few people in real life (close friends, bf) other than family that knows my trans-status. I definitely like blending in and being perceived as a normal woman, that was my goal all along. Also "blending in" gives me the benefit of not being prejudiced against. However, sometimes I do feel that I couldn't be 100% true to others in the sense that I have to make up experiences that I never had, also not being able to talk openly about my feelings and depression caused by being trans to most friends really sucks. I'd still say the pros of being stealth and blending in outweighs the cons.
Normal woman...please don't phrase it that way. It's not like we're trying to be different. We are just here out of a tragic accident of genetics.
I wear very conspicuous sunscreen, so blending in is clearly not a priority for me. I really do not care if people know I am trans, even if they walk away from me because of it. When they use male terminology and see me as a man is when I am bothered. I have always been 'different' and that is an aspect of me that I am not ashamed of. I do wish I could pass better, though. Oh, the horror! What 14 years of testosterone poisoning has done to me.
I'd rather blend in than stand out but most of my wardrobe isn't typical everyday wear. No-one gives a ->-bleeped-<-, though.
I always stand out at any place in the world whether I pass or not, and I enjoy it.
I have to interact with hundreds of people every week.
People seem to be happy with me. Most of them smile at me.
At Nagasaki, Japan, about a month ago. You should pick up me easily.
(https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7482/16041043766_0424a678de_b.jpg)
barbie~~
Quote from: barbie on December 20, 2014, 05:51:52 PM
I always stand out at any place in the world whether I pass or not, and I enjoy it.
I have to interact with hundreds of people every week.
People seem to be happy with me. Most of them smile at me.
At Nagasaki, Japan, about a month ago. You should pick up me easily.
(https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7482/16041043766_0424a678de_b.jpg)
barbie~~
I picked you out,but only because of your clothing style in the picture which matches with your profile pic :D.
Quote from: Bird Goddess on December 20, 2014, 08:02:05 PM
I picked you out,but only because of your clothing style in the picture which matches with your profile pic :D.
With the 4.5 inch heels, I was the tallest person in the group (ca. 6 feet 5 inch, or 196 cm).
I once presided at a meeting with about 100 people, and my friend in the audience later told me that everybody looked surprised (or perplexed) at my strong local dialect with low voice, as they certainly had expected a feminine voice with a kind of Seoul dialect. I replied that anyway all of the audience paid attention to me, and my job as the host was successful. That is one of my merits!
(https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7547/15887307127_3e1ee2bbff_b.jpg)
barbie~~
Sort of? I do want to blend in and be one of the girls, I've been outcasted far too long.
I do want to maintain my individuality I guess, but I can't see that being that hard, I've never been one to be easily pushed around.
Would I like to pass 100%, absolutely, but the people I care about accepting me is far more important. I think everyone is self conscious about certain aspects of themselves or otherwise preoccupied to notice many of the things we over-analyze about ourselves.
"but in general I do like it to have the possibility to make a change. To inspire people and change a narrow minded person just by introducing yourself."
I feel that this can be done by anyone regardless of how well they do or don't "blend in", it just takes a dedication to making an impact.
Hi,
Blend in , in to what , a mold or be seen for who you are not what some may think you should be .
To late ether way im too well known and work with 100,s of people and known by 1000,s
sure not my clothes in how i look , its in my demeanor my interacting with so many people as a friend work mates and have women work for me and with me,
im a very capable woman who know,s what she,s doing and with in our groups with members of more than 1500 people hey they know my difference and my background and they still wont me to be around them and incharge of detail we do ,
To me this is about who you are as a person not about oh you have to wear this or that to blend in ...Oh right so my clothes must be as i should be wearing according to some.......who are so sexy and feminine and have the right cut , okay if thats the set you hang out with go for it if not then it,s time to get ones head out of the sand and wake up to the fact its not the clothes shoes makeup or what ever else we females ...CAN...wear ,
its about the person and you / my acceptance is totaly based on. i wear many different style,s of clothes from uniform to Renaissance Edwardian to work clothes and im still reconised just the same , women or men .
I,v been rejected because oh maybe i dont dress as those who i have met or dont look like they do , or some other reason i have what they wont cant help how i was born female
And near to us in another country how sad , trans and dressers, maybe i dont relate to them .
yet those with in my community here in Waimate have come along side me in so many ways so my failings of not a very pretty looking female or some other reason is brushed aside ,i have a fantastic repore with so many , so should i change how i look with major surgerys my face and so on , for what to fit in or blend in , and in a percived way ,
Just to fit in ....??? i am part of our community and socitey
what you see in my photo is how 1500 people see me yet the most importaint part is they have accepted ...noeleena... for who she is ,
...noeleena...
Quote from: ErinReign on December 23, 2014, 11:39:28 PM
Would I like to pass 100%, absolutely, but the people I care about accepting me is far more important. I think everyone is self conscious about certain aspects of themselves or otherwise preoccupied to notice many of the things we over-analyze about ourselves.
For me personally, passing is more important than acceptance. Now that I know I am finally on the right road, I am much less self-conscious about people's attitudes than I was when I pretended to be a man. Passing is not the same as blending in, though. While I would like to pass completely, I am all about self-expression and 'blending in' with females is not my intention. That would be kind of difficult to do anyway, given my height and my hair loss, and I have far bigger worries to contend with.
At 61, I've long passed the idea of being totally passable. I just want to blend in enough and be passable enough that no one will hassle me.
Thankfully, I've never had the desire to go out in public dressed outlandishly. Blending in and being a normal woman has been my idea of nirvana, so most of the time, I'm dressed down in jeans and whatever else is appropriate for what I'm doing.
What I do want is to stay part of mainstream society.
There's no real reason for me to be removed from it, so yeah, I'd like to stay there with the benefits it brings ...
So far so good :~o
Again:
*Passing and blending in is not the same*
I am 6.2ft and although in my country that does not make me stick out, I am taller than the average woman. I most usually pass but even when seeing a short, petite lady.. I wouldn't want to switch with her. I like to draw attention and always have. It just is harder on days where you do not feel well but if I notice I don't draw attention I just dye my hair blonde, wear brighter clothes or so. So that I do not blend in. I guess each their own :P.
Quote from: Kirey on January 07, 2015, 05:25:46 PM
Again:
*Passing and blending in is not the same*
I am 6.2ft and although in my country that does not make me stick out, I am taller than the average woman. I most usually pass but even when seeing a short, petite lady.. I wouldn't want to switch with her. I like to draw attention and always have. It just is harder on days where you do not feel well but if I notice I don't draw attention I just dye my hair blonde, wear brighter clothes or so. So that I do not blend in. I guess each their own :P.
If you living liberal open mind society for TS/TG blend in is option otherwise its necessity.As you rightly said each their own
I'm a shy girl (ha!) so blending would be important to me. Passing? When I was younger, passing was so critical to me. Now, I just want to pass well enough to not be misgendered on the first look. If people want to try and figure me out, heh, go ahead.
I like blending in. I'm out in public a lot, commuting on the subway, shopping, out to eat or whatever. I don't like drawing unwanted attention to myself. I've never been called out by anyone in public for being trans like I've heard so many others talk about, I like being left alone and doing whatever it is that I'm doing.
I am out loud and PROUD to be transgender and to be able to love who I am. I have no desire to be stealth.
I can totally relate to this, when I first went full time all I wanted was to blend in, not get noticed.
I'm 6ft tall so I'd wear flats and try my hardest not to draw attention, hair covering my face, never make eye contact and wear more gender neutral things.
As my confidence grew and hormones started doing their thing I realized I wasn't really getting clocked that much so I started getting bolder and now I like being a bit tall and the fact that I do get noticed. The funny thing is as far as clothing goes is if you just dress well, appropriately but well you get noticed a lot in this city where most people think sweatpants and a t-shirt or a parka is OK for a night out.
I think the different between passing and blending was beautifully illustrated for me last night when I went out to dinner with a trans friend that does not pass totally and two women at the table next to us kept staring, one of them must have had a hurting neck after the evening. The interesting thing is that they weren't sneering or laughing or looking at my friend they were staring at me :p
Quote from: Kirey on January 07, 2015, 05:25:46 PM
Again:
*Passing and blending in is not the same*
I am 6.2ft and although in my country that does not make me stick out, I am taller than the average woman. I most usually pass but even when seeing a short, petite lady.. I wouldn't want to switch with her. I like to draw attention and always have. It just is harder on days where you do not feel well but if I notice I don't draw attention I just dye my hair blonde, wear brighter clothes or so. So that I do not blend in. I guess each their own :P.
I want to deliberately stand out when it can benefit me, and in the case of being trans, I prefer blending in. I'm stealth, and I'd rather not be a sore thumb. I want to stand out in terms of my other qualities, whether it be my attire, my skills, personality--I don't want to stand out as the "trans guy" but rather the ("insert [positive] adjective here") guy.
Although, I will admit, it gets lonely at times, but I do stay connected with the trans community. And I've dealt with feeling like a liar, feeling like I'm being a deceiver, and I've dealt with guilt about wanting to be stealth and the selfish connotations that come with it.
Personally, I don't want to blend in. I don't want to be seen as transgender at sight (which I don't think is often the case), but I've never been one to try to blend in. I hate attention and I have anxiety issues, but I'm just myself, and in anything to do with my personality, my opinions, etc., I don't want to hide anything in order to appease other people or blend in.
Also, I'd like to help other trans people if possible, and educate cis people and people who are confused about their gender identity or are just starting off and need advice or support.
This is going to sound like a stupid question, but how does one blend in? I'm at that point where I'm kinda sick of literally everyone in my life knowing, and I'm not really sure what to do...