Hiya folks.
God, so check this out. My ex felt the need to share the following post on her public Facebook on CHRISTMAS DAY. I should point out that we have not directly communicated in over 6 months, and the only things I know about her, her activities, and her postings are what people tell me; I don't ask. This post was brought to my attention on 12/27, so she did not manage to ruin my Christmas, which was quite lovely (thanks for asking). I also want to point out that the allegation of abuse, physical or otherwise, is a lie. As is, of course, the insistence that I deceived her about my identity.
Without further ado, here it is. I warn you, this is royally effed up. I frankly think that someone may have been visited by significantly more than three spirits on Christmas day, if you catch my drift. Glug glug.
Anyway, here you go:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So...I suppose as we end the year I should address the elephant.
Hello elephant; I am getting divorced.
So, about 18 mos ago, My my husband revealed and detailed that his life would be better if he did it as a woman. Yep, he wants to borrow my lipstick, and I know because I saw him do it.
But, I like men. I like men a lot. That was not a relationship I could do.
We are in the process of divorce. If
you want the juicy details, message me. It's a long story. If you want to God or judge me, just unfriend me. You should probably stop stalking me anyway. I'm way too controversial. Or conversational.
Anyway...
I held his secret for a long time. A year and half. Out of obligation. But he hurt me. Phyisically. Emotionally. He lied to me about his identity for seven years. And I let him. Because I didn't like myself all that much.
So I went to therapy and got emotionally healthy. I like myself.
I decided to pursue my Doctoral degree. I decided to be myself.
And now am in the process of moving on legally.
There were other bumps this year. My grandma is Sick with lung cancer. She is 84 and is too stubborn and fun to lose.
My mommy needs a few new parts for her heart. Think of her on January 13.
But there were good things, too.
To my surprise, one day at D-land, I unexpectedly met a remarkably smart, interesting, creative, snarky, and superbly handsome man with whom I have fallen in love. I am happy and motivated and passionate and inspired with him.
I met a whole lotta bunch of awesome people this year.
So...
As we end this year, I want to focus on the positive. The health, the family. The friendship, the love. The year might be challenging, but we can pursue! We really only get one shot at this, so make it great. Merry Christmas!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there it is, my Christmas present from the ex. Sigh.
What can I say? What is there to say?
I'm just trying to get on. That's all I can do.
I hope she's really as happy as she says she is.
Ugh.
-Tegan
Wow, that is rotten as hell. Hugs though girl, I am very proud of you for your choices. You are a great person and please don't let her weigh you down.
Well she certainly sounds vindictive!
To be honest as it is out there, there isn't much you can do.
If it was me, I'd praise the goddess that she isn't in my life anymore, stand up tall with a large smile and live your life to the fullest with great enjoyment and happiness.
That will really annoy her!!
When my Ex tried to set the narrative against me, I got as many friends as I could to create a counter narrative until she took down all of the posts that were attempting to create a narrative against me. Lots of what she claimed was an extreme stretch of truth and it wasn't going to stand. This caused her to remove most of the mutual friends that were more friendly with me than with her, but the result was exactly what I wanted: She says what she wants in private to her friends, and the wider world doesn't really know what happened.
Don't let someone create a negative narrative for you publicly if at all possible. I got my friends to pull everything they were doing for me, once she pulled her, so it was a purely defensive action on my part. It is really just PR management in the social media age. Of course, it also helps that I am not stealth or anything, and we were together while I was transitioning for a while, so she couldn't really pull that as some sort of excuse.
Still I would always fight back against someone who was credible and saying things that make me sound like a bad person.
So apparently she needed you to come out as trans before she was able to pursue her doctorate and "be herself"? What is she complaining about? She should be thanking you.
Wow, way to play the victim card / bring someone else down at the same time :~s
Personally, I'd own it.
If you don't give them anywhere to go, there is no controversy.
If someone asks "are you gay?", say "I am a transwoman."
If someone asks "Was it so bad, that you had to switch sides?"
Say "I couldn't live with myself anymore."
By not giving them anything to start nastiness with, it shuts down the controversy. If your attitude shows shame, they will use it against you, but if you treat it like it is nothing special, then yes you run into a few bigots, but on the whole people will take you at face value.
My stepson is gay and uses this technique. Even in a Podunk hick town in Georgia, it works.
Just remember that the individual is smart, and able to cope better than we would imagine. The mob however, always falls to the lowest common denominator.
One last thing, I am a truck driver. I was at a petro fuel stop in Kentucky. A pre-op trans-woman was running the cash register. I remember because I could see it was difficult for her. I made my purchases, using the correct pronouns, "yes ma'am,no ma'am", and she says "4 dollars and fifteen pennies.." I asked her if a dime and a nickel would work. She said it would suffice.
The lady working with her said "she likes pennies". I said "she's alright. " after which she just got all bubbly. ( I still present as a man)
The other drivers behind me naturally related to her as female after that. If they didn't, they kept their judgements to themselves.
Point is, it's only a problem if you make it a problem.
I'm with you Natash. Totally agree with owning what we are.
Every now and then I'll get a rough reaction form younger guys when they get close and clock me ('What the *** are you?' is the common Australian vernacular).
I like to respond cheerfully with 'I'm a ladyboy! What are *you*? :~D'
What usually follows is one guy will then say 'oh my mate here wants your number ...!'
Life is awesome :~D
Hugs Tegan, that's pretty harsh... (kinda think that could be me getting that later this year too :-\ FWIW)
It seems to me she has thought about what's happened to her, and wants to let it all out... FB can be a very unkind place to air...
- ATM my FB is by invite only... Kinda wishing I had not used my name... but only have an avatar on it for ID...
Is the account your previous life one or a new one?
Anyway xoxoxo - be strong, take care and love life
L Katy :-*
I like that. That's awesome. I understand where hikari is coming from, and the first reaction is fear...but I don't agree with being vindictive. Now that they both have had their war on Facebook, the ex comes out smelling like roses. You can't control anything except yourself. That's the motto I live by.
F it. Own it.
Taylor Swift own what the media portray her as in Blank Space. (Lame comparison).
But own it now. And forget it.
I agree! Own it.
She's royally messed up though, but ex spouses can be like that.
Quote from: katrinaw on December 30, 2014, 07:06:24 AM
Hugs Tegan, that's pretty harsh... (kinda think that could be me getting that later this year too :-\ FWIW)
It seems to me she has thought about what's happened to her, and wants to let it all out... FB can be a very unkind place to air...
- ATM my FB is by invite only... Kinda wishing I had not used my name... but only have an avatar on it for ID...
Is the account your previous life one or a new one?
Anyway xoxoxo - be strong, take care and love life
L Katy :-*
Yeah, my facebook USED to be by invitation only then I got involved with various things and it exploded. I used to have about 150 friends who were my actual friends or school mates, and I knew everyone on it, now I have almost 500 people on it. I think I'm going to nuke it from orbit anyway. It's becoming unmanageable. It's sad though because I've been on it since 2005 when it was only open to the Ivy league, NYU and a few others.
My ex unfriended me as she was in the process of leaving me so I have no idea what she's sharing, if anything, with her friends. I have reason to believe that she hasn't told a soul because I embarrass her now. If that's true I sent Christmas cards to some of our old friends this year so the rumor mill is likely humming - Whoopsie! :laugh:
Yes, your ex is a spiteful and vindictive person and thank heavens you are away from all of that now. The news is certainly out there at this point, so like others have said own it and correct the inaccuracies if someone brings it up. I think she's out of ammunition at this point so hopefully there aren't any more salvos in your future.
It also sounds like your ex (like my ex) quickly found a rebound lover which most likely won't last, but it will at least keep her busy and out of your hair for awhile.
That has to be so hard. If you are a tender person it will come as no consolation that this claim she made is totally mistaken: "So I went to therapy and got emotionally healthy. I like myself." Emotionally healthy and happy people don't do what she did. They understand that life is a struggle for everyone. They stop drinking and spewing poison.
I'm sorry for both of you in different ways.
Quote from: Jane's Sweet Refrain on December 30, 2014, 08:50:37 AM
Emotionally healthy and happy people don't do what she did. They understand that life is a struggle for everyone. They stop drinking and spewing poison.
Especially this. Happy people really don't need to drag other people down.
Still, it's out now. It's a shame about the fiction-based side swipe but one more reason why not staying together is a good idea?
The only (arguably) useful piece of advice I'd give is get off Facebook. I did so a few months back. It's really no struggle to find more interesting things to fill my time with and I was shocked (shocked! I say) how rarely people show me pictures of cats in real life.
Rosie
Hey everyone,
Thank you for the support. Rest assured that I am not panicking or losing any sleep over this. I was very upset when I first heard about it, of course. I cried on and off for a couple hours. But it wasn't because I didn't want people to know; I am who I am and am fine with that, and fine with people knowing. My big brother asked me what about the whole thing made me upset, and I truthfully answered that all of the hurtful things she has done in the last six months have hurt mostly because of the intention behind them, not necessarily because of the effect. I mean, I loved this woman; the betrayal is incredible. I still find it somewhat staggering.
But it is what it is, sadly, and I can't change it. Life will go on, free from that brand of toxicity. I'm working on acceptance.
In truth, we only had a handful of mutual acquaintances left anyway, and I cannot imagine any of them being anything than utterly appalled at how wicked her post was. No matter what, though, I cannot control their reactions, only mine. And I'm going to move on.
As for Facebook, I have no intention of fleeing. And I do not have two accounts; my account will transition as I do.
Anyway, thank you all. Onward and upward. It's nearly the new year, and these moments only make me stronger in the end.
It will get better. I know it. In fact, it already is.
-Tegan
PS: Rosie, I like seeing cat pictures. ;)
Just came across this article: http://transformingfamily.net/2014/01/19/outing-a-trans-person-is-an-act-of-violence/ Found it to be relevant.
That may be good leverage, and if you think it's a good idea I would say ask her kindly to take it down and give her the link to that. The title/headline is enough to make her think twice.
My ex has been dealing grudges too recently- luckily not publicly though. She knows if she did it would just make her look bad.. The whole grudge thing is why we were breaking up in the first place before I came out. Me being trans sealed the deal in the matter, and she still hasn't fully forgiven me. But that is just her, she always had an impossible time forgiving anyone :P
I tend to hold my ground on things. I think the suggestion to "own it" is SPOT ON. Confidence goes an incredibly long way, especially living as a trans person.
All class that facebook post..(!)
Her story is to talk about you, then herself.
She should just get on with her own life, and not trash you in order to do so.
She lives her life, such as it is. Get on with yours, and be the better person.
Condemns someone for being themselves / Celebrates her being herself
Writes loads of negative stuff / Writes how she wants to focus on the positive
::)
Screw that accusation of physical pain though. You should confront that. That isn't cool, it is pretty much an accusation of domestic abuse or something.
Quote from: Jennygirl on December 31, 2014, 04:18:03 AM
That may be good leverage, and if you think it's a good idea I would say ask her kindly to take it down and give her the link to that. The title/headline is enough to make her think twice.
My ex has been dealing grudges too recently- luckily not publicly though. She knows if she did it would just make her look bad.. The whole grudge thing is why we were breaking up in the first place before I came out. Me being trans sealed the deal in the matter, and she still hasn't fully forgiven me. But that is just her, she always had an impossible time forgiving anyone :P
I tend to hold my ground on things. I think the suggestion to "own it" is SPOT ON. Confidence goes an incredibly long way, especially living as a trans person.
Jenny,
My ex is also a big holder of grudges and settling of scores; she always wants to "win." She's constantly waging war on somebody, and the cannons just happen to be pointed at me this time. As for your suggestion to reach out to her, I know her well enough to know that reaching out, giving any kind of fuel to her flames, will only serve to make her more venomous.
No, reaching out is out. I can't control her, and that's fine. Her words and actions are her own, and reflect her and her state of being better than I ever could. I'll just let people read between the lines on that post and decide for themselves who the abusive personality is.
Quote from: rosinstraya on December 31, 2014, 10:16:38 AM
All class that facebook post..(!)
Her story is to talk about you, then herself.
She should just get on with her own life, and not trash you in order to do so.
She lives her life, such as it is. Get on with yours, and be the better person.
Yeah, super classy move, Rosin, I know.
Ideally, yeah, we both move on. I'm working on that and with the help of many incredibly supportive friends, and a truly disarming amount of support from my family, I'm getting there. I'm healing and I'm becoming more myself with each day that passes. I cannot imagine I'll be ready to date again for a while, but that sort of thing takes time and I have more pressing things on the docket now anyway. The point is, though I'm not being super public (on social media) about every move I make, I am moving forward.
She wants to project that she has moved on, but the fact that she was drunk posting on Christmas day says otherwise. I would imagine that the people reading that post can see that.
Quote from: Seras on December 31, 2014, 11:04:49 AM
Condemns someone for being themselves / Celebrates her being herself
Writes loads of negative stuff / Writes how she wants to focus on the positive
::)
Screw that accusation of physical pain though. You should confront that. That isn't cool, it is pretty much an accusation of domestic abuse or something.
Seras, she really had no idea just how bipolar she came across in that post, I know. It seems like she almost wanted to make the Outing seem secondary to her whole end-of-year message, but she just isn't a good enough writer to hide her motivation.
I mean, her end-of-year post comes on Christmas day instead of New Years? Oh, I don't know, could this possibly be an attempt to sour somebody's holiday cheer? Anyone?
In the end, it's just a sugar-wrapped turd. Lots of positive words, but all kinds of negative meaning. Gloating and mean. Hell, she even invites anybody with the decency to see how nasty she's being to exit her life and her feed. One doesn't have to look hard to see that this is just a tantrum from a very unhappy person.
As far as the accusation of domestic abuse goes, whatever. Her narrative will change and grow over time, and I really just need to distance myself from it. She's miserable, and will continue to work overtime to convince the world she is not, but I think the cracks are starting to show. And after a post like this, I don't exactly feel like she's swimming in credibility here.
In fact, I really suspect that what she has done here will be classifiable as a hate crime sometime in the near future. As the article says, outing someone is an act of violence.
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 30, 2014, 01:53:44 AM
So apparently she needed you to come out as trans before she was able to pursue her doctorate and "be herself"? What is she complaining about? She should be thanking you.
Ha, yeah, Grace, I made the same observation.
However, she started her doctorate program about two months before she announced that she no longer wanted me living with her, but still needed rent money.
She made a lot of changes there in the end: a new car (a shiny new Mustang!), a new degree program, new tattoos, even a new couch. No wonder that rent money was so hard to come by!
She wants people to see a new person, and it just isn't there no matter how much she tries to force it.
Anyway, I could see which direction the wind was blowing with her sudden life changes, and I asked her if she was prepping herself for a life without me. She got red in the face screaming as she denied it up and down. Apparently she got so upset because I hit the nail directly on the head because here she is, announcing to the world the trappings of her new life, apparently unaware that her whole "phoenix rising from the ashes" act just isn't very convincing. It's kind of sad, since this is a cycle she seems determined to continue ad infinitum. After all, it was during the first weeks of her last major breakup that she rebooted her life and met me.
-----------
My approach has been to just roll with it. Besides the vague "What an ugly thing to say. I'm shocked," I haven't made any responses on Facebook and I don't intend to. I still mean to make my personal announcements when I feel like it, and not before. Until then, what people suspect, know, or don't know is their business and none of mine. I will continue on with life as usual. This will not force my hand to do anything.
Recently I changed my Facebook profile pic to one from the holidays, in which I most assuredly am not looking masculine. With a day, that picture got a bunch of likes on it; I take that as a subtle show of support from folks at large.
Anybody who would head for the hills upon reading that post isn't worth worrying about anyway, and so I'm not worried. I don't need any transphobes in my life. They would be too square to hang with Tegan anyway. ;D
So, yeah, I'm owning it. Thank you, folks, for all the support. Much love. :)
Yours,
Tegan
I'm struck by the number of us, myself included, who married women with stronger masculine behavior patterns than ours. Some good, some bad.
Quote from: Dee Walker on January 05, 2015, 02:13:33 PM
I'm struck by the number of us, myself included, who married women with stronger masculine behavior patterns than ours. Some good, some bad.
Ha, no kidding, Dee!
During one of her rage-fueled rants near the end, she actually screamed in my face that she is more of a man than I am. It was meant as a knock, but even in the moment it sounded ridiculous, albeit true.
Seriously, if being a man means having constant battles with the world, she can have it.
-Teg
Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on January 05, 2015, 02:43:05 PM
Ha, no kidding, Dee!
During one of her rage-fueled rants near the end, she actually screamed in my face that she is more of a man than I am....
-Teg
To which, I would have replied, "at last, you get it!"
Hi Natash, I am really intrigued by something in your short story:
Why are you 100% certain that that cashier person was actually a pre-op transwoman, is she your friend, relative, your acquaintance or anybody you've met before as a man, before transitioning, so you can state that as an undeniable fact? Or are you just assuming she was a pre-op MTF, based purely on her appearance and behavior, according to your own personal experience, standards and intuition?
I ask this because we as humans make assumptions every single day, as if they were facts and I am pretty sure that many a time we are absolutely wrong. I go out and I have no idea what people think of me, because the more confident I become and try to "act" female --which is not an act really, but it takes too much effort to pretend to be somebody for your own prejudiced a-hole folks and siblings and then go out and be the opposite, who you really are--, the less they misgender me. At this point I am not called anything, I am not assigned a gender. I need a bit more confidence and to fix up some stuff in my appearance and improve my voice, but I am getting there. Bottom line, I may look more "cis" than some "real cis" and less "cis" than some trans, and vice versa. There's lots of intersexed men and women out there who may look a bit more like the opposite sex but were never ever interested in becoming trans, so they present themselves as their original birth gender, but they may look and sound a bit more like the opposite one, without actually being trans. That's my whole point.
So I see women and men, both live, on tv or in any other situation, I mean people who present themselves as women or men, and lots of time I think they MAY BE transwomen or transmen, but I never ever believe as a fact that they are trans, if I didn't meet them before and I am 100% certain they WERE a certain gender physically by birth and now they are the opposite, by transitioning.
Just wondering in good faith, not trying to be argumentative or anything, it's pure curiosity, thanks in advance in case you respond!
Cheers
Bibi
Quote from: natash on December 30, 2014, 02:41:03 AM
Personally, I'd own it.
If you don't give them anywhere to go, there is no controversy.
If someone asks "are you gay?", say "I am a transwoman."
If someone asks "Was it so bad, that you had to switch sides?"
Say "I couldn't live with myself anymore."
By not giving them anything to start nastiness with, it shuts down the controversy. If your attitude shows shame, they will use it against you, but if you treat it like it is nothing special, then yes you run into a few bigots, but on the whole people will take you at face value.
My stepson is gay and uses this technique. Even in a Podunk hick town in Georgia, it works.
Just remember that the individual is smart, and able to cope better than we would imagine. The mob however, always falls to the lowest common denominator.
One last thing, I am a truck driver. I was at a petro fuel stop in Kentucky. A pre-op trans-woman was running the cash register. I remember because I could see it was difficult for her. I made my purchases, using the correct pronouns, "yes ma'am,no ma'am", and she says "4 dollars and fifteen pennies.." I asked her if a dime and a nickel would work. She said it would suffice.
The lady working with her said "she likes pennies". I said "she's alright. " after which she just got all bubbly. ( I still present as a man)
The other drivers behind me naturally related to her as female after that. If they didn't, they kept their judgements to themselves.
Point is, it's only a problem if you make it a problem.
My soon to be ex didn't use Facebook, but thought by outing me to my family, old friends etc. she'd hurt and humiliate me. She admitted to it just putting it in my face.
I mostly out anyway (I don't hide it and in-femme 24/7), had prepared for the worst (which happened) I have no family or friends left except my 2 sons.
Anyways, as she expected me to go ape-sh**, I just looked at her and said..."so what" and smiled ;-)
That busted her bubble
QuoteVioletTara link=topic
Response is in reference to a removed post by moderation.
Tara,
Of course life is more complicated in reality than online. I do not think anybody was debating that, and I am not sure what that statement has to do with the price of tea in this case.
Yes, there is far more to this situation. There were two separate lives, as well as a shared life together. If you want more context, feel free to delve into my earlier posts when you establish yourself enough here to be able to do so.
Still, you seem to almost be implying that if enough background about my situation were uncovered, one might actually find justification for this gross violation of privacy and decency.
Tell me: what could possibly justify doing this to a person? Especially a person that you shared a life with, a person whom you once claimed to love..
As for drudging things up, as you put it, I'm not really sure what you mean. I was outed, do you understand that? My business is already out there in the open, so what exactly have I done to make it worse? I'm not making malicious or damaging messages on social media; I'm coming to a support forum to feel supported.
In a situation like this, I should not have to turn the other cheek and take it quietly. I should at the very least be able to share my experience with those who might understand, so as to not have to deal with the feelings alone.
What's the problem, as you see it?
And what's this about hiding one's feelings and thoughts? That doesn't describe me, as my journey has been one of self-discovery and searching, not hiding and deceiving. Your language subtly implies that you view yourself as other from the trans community. Am I reading that correctly? You talk about how "people on here" and in other trans forums are a certain way. What are you displacing onto this situation?
It's pretty cut-and-dry what's happening here. A relationship did not work. The ex should be moving on, is claiming to the world that she has moved on, but then chose to reveal privileged information about me to the world at large with the express intent to hurt. There was no personal or monetary gain in doing this, but she did it anyway, on Christmas of all days.
It was an ugly thing to do, plain and simple.
I came here to share what happened to me, nothing more. Her identity remains anonymous, and I am neither calling her names or wishing her ill. What I am doing is acknowledging that this was a really screwed up thing to do; is it not? It was an attack, intended to damage. The commiseration from others helps, so what is the problem there?
And where is the lack of critical thinking that you see, Tara Violet?
You are honestly coming off as a person with an ax to grind, and I am curious what it is about this thread specifically that set you off.
-Tegan
Edit: I just read your intro. You of all people should be sympathetic to this situation, since you are dealing with a soon-to-be-ex with Borderline Personality Disorder yourself. You should know just how manipulative and extreme actions and reactions can be when dealing with BPD. It's very likely that your wife will do what she can to make things difficult before the end. I don't wish it on you, but I'd be prepared were I in your position. At that point, you might end up finding yourself right back here, sharing your story and hoping for encouragement. Remember that.