I ask because I plan on living stealth when I transition and teaching elementary school and marrying someday and all this being totally behind me.I wish I could get pregnant but it can't happen so that's that. Thanks
Do you know who Lynn Conway is?
http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html (http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html)
-Alana
Yes. I am on my third marriage to a straight male. Both the first and second marriage lasted longer than ten years and my current one is going on 15. I have great kids and grandkids from these marriages. So yes. Just do what you must and forget about "being trans". "Trans" has no importance unless you make it so.
Are you out to them?
I know of two post op women who met and married cis-men some years after they were post op. Neither is stealth so both husbands know.
I'm in a great relationship with a mtf (cis guy here). The relationship started when she still was pre-op and it is still going great (she's post-op now).
We are living together for some time now and I am planning to marry her when we are both ready for it college / steady work.
I'm straight so I needed to adjust to the fact that she had old parts (her way of describing it), but as she is the greatest for me I accepted her completely.
I'm pre HRT MtF. Married to a cis woman that is very happy with me and my future transition. It works out just fine but you have to find the right person :)
My last GF and I talked about getting married. She died before we could actually do anything about it.
Just be aware though, Makenzie, stealth is essentially a very thin farce these days.
I'm married to my husband now since August 2010, he is a cis male and straight, he didn't know my history when we met, but knows my history now, has accepted it, now living as normal husband & wife.
Quote from: Makenzie on January 04, 2015, 06:01:18 PM
Are you out to them?
My first husband never knew. My second learned about my history years after our divorce. I told my current husband prior to our marriage and despite his having been married to other women before me, he still writes me love poems, sings to me of his love, and tells me I am the greatest woman he has ever known. I treasure this man and his love like nothing else in this world.
Obviously YMMV but being trans has absolutely nothing to do with our lives, our love, or our relationships with others. Calling stealth a 'thin farce' is a classic straw man argument in that it sets up a false narrative (stealth), and then strikes down a fabrication which has nothing to do with the reality lived by those whose medical history holds little relevance in their lives.
Quote from: TamarasWay on January 05, 2015, 02:46:12 PM
Obviously YMMV but being trans has absolutely nothing to do with our lives, our love, or our relationships with others. Calling stealth a 'thin farce' is a classic straw man argument in that it sets up a false narrative (stealth), and then strikes down a fabrication which has nothing to do with the reality lived by those whose medical history holds little relevance in their lives.
Ok, here is why the concept stealth is a farce..
If someone wants to know about your past, a surprising amount of info is publicly available.. Even more info is available to those with a little more access. I once spent some time discussing the idea of 'stealth' with a PI, who was also a former cop. He pointed out to me that even with full legal support, witness protection is full of data holes, let alone an individual forced to work the system publicly.. Sealed court records are not always sealed.. People can be bought - or simply release info for kicks.. His ending comment, "Give me 2 weeks and sufficient cash, I could trace a stealthed trans woman all the way back to her birth records."
Hell, here in Aus, an audit by the Tax Office would reveal you..
Personally I truly can't comprehend the idea of stealth, to me freedom is the most inherent concept a human can have, how possible can you be free trying to be stealth. Also people are with each other out of friendship and love that's really all that matters
:police:
Folks, we don't want arguments about whether stealth is possible or not.
Quote from: TamarasWay on January 05, 2015, 02:46:12 PM
I told my current husband prior to our marriage and despite his having been married to other women before me, he still writes me love poems, sings to me of his love, and tells me I am the greatest woman he has ever known. I treasure this man and his love like nothing else in this world.
My situation very similar to yours, I told my husband when he propose marriage, when we got engaged. He is a completely straight guy, was with other women before me, he fully accepts me as the woman I am now.
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 05, 2015, 04:04:45 PM
:police:
Folks, we don't want arguments about whether stealth is possible or not.
Grace, thank you so much for that.
Everyone has freedom of speech,unless it gets hostile I don't really care :) but thanks Grace
Quote from: Makenzie on January 05, 2015, 08:00:45 PM
Everyone has freedom of speech,unless it gets hostile I don't really care :) but thanks Grace
Ms Grace comment was polite and given to get topic back on track.
Yes marriage of Cis is possible and happens.
I Think the heterosexual marriages are less then the gay/lesbian marriages.
Our marriage went through a hetro to lesbian and back to hetro. ::)
I know :)
Yes transgender people get married to straight people. Some cis some trans.
Quote from: Makenzie on January 04, 2015, 05:42:01 PM
I ask because I plan on living stealth when I transition and teaching elementary school and marrying someday and all this being totally behind me.I wish I could get pregnant but it can't happen so that's that. Thanks
It will never really be "all behind you". If you teach there will be background checks and your past will be discovered. If you get married and you really love the person you are with you will want to tell them for the sake of the relationship. That's not stealth, only compartmentalized stealth. In that case you will have to hope that you never run into a situation where the people who know and the people who do not know are never in the same room, or the gig will be up and it will go ugly on you fast.
Real honest to goodness stealth is really something quite and wholly different. It means eshewing anything that might possibly put you in the spotlight, unless you are ready for it. It means never telling anyone your past and living a quiet and uneventful life. The problem with disclosure is that if just one person knows then you will have to assume that everyone else does as well.
If you want to teach, and get married and have some quiet romantic life where you cook dinners for your hubby every night then you will have to deal with the slings and arrows that come with people in the public (meaning teaching children).
Lots of transwomen get married. It probably happens every day I am guessing.
How and why is it that those who have never iived a quiet "normal" life, far away from anything even remotely trans are always so quick and adamant about everything "stealth". Something that some of us just don't do. How crazy is it to lecture others about something that you cannot even conceive of, much less understand?
OK stop now.
I am not going to tolerate arguments on stealth versus non-stealth. Each is a valid choice and I wish everyone in either situation true happiness and a lovely life.
I'm not picking on anyone who has posted in this thread, just want to remind people such arguments; stealth vs non-stealth, non-binary vs binary, trans* vs CD, etc etc are not only against ToS and the fundamental philosophy of this site, but are also deeply hurtful to many people.
I got married to a cis-lesbian just over two weeks ago...when I told her I was transitioning "she said okay that's cool". :) Although she would like me to get SRS, she is happy with me as I am now; it is 100% my decision to get or not get.
I do not "pass" unless I am 50'+/- from the viewer, fwiw.
Quote from: Cindy on January 08, 2015, 12:56:36 AM
OK stop now.
I am not going to tolerate arguments on stealth versus non-stealth. Each is a valid choice and I wish everyone in either situation true happiness and a lovely life.
I'm not picking on anyone who has posted in this thread, just want to remind people such arguments; stealth vs non-stealth, non-binary vs binary, trans* vs CD, etc etc are not only against ToS and the fundamental philosophy of this site, but are also deeply hurtful to many people.
Thanks Cindy.I didn't even ask for this argument crap.I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted this thread,but I thought I was asking an acceptable question.
Quote from: Makenzie on January 08, 2015, 07:10:25 PM
Thanks Cindy.I didn't even ask for this argument crap.I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted this thread,but I thought I was asking an acceptable question.
Makenzie. There was nothing wrong with your question and I think that you have received several valid responses from all over the spectrum. Yes it is
possible for a woman with a certain history medical history to live the kind of life that you envisioned and described.
Makenzie,
You entered a great topic that holds lots of merit.
It is all good.
I hope so
I am currently dating a cis-male... he knows about my past and is ok with it.. He says I have all the lady parts (I am post-op).. so he says as far as he is concerned I am female... and treats me as such.. I have got use to him opening car doors for me etc.. I hope this relationship one day leads to marriage.
The only thing that upsets me, I cant fall pregnant with his baby.
I have a boyfriend of 8 months, going on 9 soon. He is extremely good looking, tall, miraculously brilliant, hilarious, emotionally stable, and doing well in life. He is also a few years younger than me, which surprised me the most when he was willing (we're in our 20s, so it's a pretty big difference to us). He is completely straight. We spend hours and hours together every day and get along famously. I have been on hormones for many years and am pre-FFS and pre-GRS. He knows everything and is extremely understanding and supportive. Other than personality, I have nothing to offer him.
As an aside, I've also had several other 100% straight men interested in me and I totally do not pass, though I am very effeminate.
These men (and women) are absolutely out there. You will be surprised if you just stay confident, likable, honest, and endearing.
I just got my surgery done and I just got married to my husband 3 months ago but I'm living stealth with other people except the friends and family I grew up with.
All of my husbands friends and family do not know anything about my past and does not know what I am and I've known them for 2 years and still haven't asked and know anything about my past. I always ask my husband if any of his family or friends know about me and told me that none of them knows. Maybe it's my voice or my appearance that is not noticeable to them that I used to be male but I haven't got any voice surgery done and the only surgery I have had is my srs + BA. I am 5'6" 135lbs. and so far no one knows about me except the people I grew up with.
My friend who is a manager at a restaurant has employees who knows about her and one day she went to the bank and she told me that an older transgender told her that she should let everyone know what she is. She told me that she told the older trans that she doesn't want to tell everyone and why should she? The older transgender told her that it's right to tell everyone and that everyone had the right to know and that she will feel better. My friend refused and told the older transgender that she loves her life the way it is.
I mean first of all, why do other transgenders get into other girls business? If you told everyone what you were then that's your prerogative and if society frowns upon you and throws things at you or dislikes you because you told everyone then that was your choice even if you thought it was a great idea to tell everyone but that does not mean you have to tell every other transgender to do the same because you think it's right because once you tell them that, and they tell someone what they are and they get killed or murdered, then the person who told her to tell people will be the one responsible for her death.
Let those transgenders live in stealth if they want because they are doing things the way they want to live and if they have been living that way for years and didn't get in any type of trouble or danger, then they must be doing something right to live that way. Yes, you'd be living a lie but life was that way before we even transitioned from male to female and society already sees that you're living a lie by just simply being a woman so who's right or wrong? Either way, live your life the way you want and learn by your mistakes but don't go around messing life up for someone else just because your life is in ruin.
I've lived in stealth for almost all my life and with all the boyfriends I've had, they all didn't know what I was. We even tried to have sex and a few of them tried to rub down there before i had surgery and they didn't know. I guess it's the benefit of being small form the 16 years I took hormones. And all of the friends of my boyfriends didn't know as well and they all chatted with me normally like how they would with a girl. I didn't fraternize too much with other transgenders and always been very careful not too act too "loud" or "flamboyant" and didn't try too hard to be a female and since my voice already sounds like a females voice even at normal pitch, I guess that helped a lot as well. I didn't use too much make-up and just used a eyeliner and pressed powder and went out and so far, in all the 15 years I lived as a female, I haven't had my "tee clocked"
But this is my life, my appearance, and my way of living. It might be different for other girls and might not be easy for most but if you can test yourself and go out in public and use your ears to listen and eyes to see, and if you don't see anyone looking at you or whispering and looking at you or looking at you giggling, then you know that you look very "fish". Meaning, you look very feminine
I don't really understand what you're trying to say :)
Just live life according to how you want to. Don't let anyone tell you how to live it. It's possible to get married to cis people because I am married to one and he despise getting married or getting into a relationship with someone that looks like a man or talks like a man. But there are guys out there who don't care what you are as long as you share the same love. But if you're asking about if it's possible to get married to a man who is straight and does not like transgenders who look like men but will marry one and get comfortable and give all his love and time to a transgender who looks very feminine, then yes it's possible but just don't talk about your past to him about what you used to look like or how you used to have a beard or whatever of that sort because then he might start getting very uncomfortable lol.
Thank you for being honest and saying it how it is.
I think being selectively out is the way to go... In many things in life, when first making a big change, there is an urge to TELL EVERYONE. Once you've adjusted; that need becomes more circumspect.
Quote from: wired22 on January 10, 2015, 10:55:50 AM
I think being selectively out is the way to go... In many things in life, when first making a big change, there is an urge to TELL EVERYONE. Once you've adjusted; that need becomes more circumspect.
Perhaps. But if it is your intent to keep your medical history private, then even being selective in outing yourself gives up your own control over your personal history. Even telling your husband is trusting him to honor your privacy even if years down the road, the relationship goes south. In the case of a friend, (especially online "friends"), who knows.
Quote from: jojo702 on January 09, 2015, 10:20:33 PM
Just live life according to how you want to. Don't let anyone tell you how to live it. It's possible to get married to cis people because I am married to one and he despise getting married or getting into a relationship with someone that looks like a man or talks like a man. But there are guys out there who don't care what you are as long as you share the same love. But if you're asking about if it's possible to get married to a man who is straight and does not like transgenders who look like men but will marry one and get comfortable and give all his love and time to a transgender who looks very feminine, then yes it's possible but just don't talk about your past to him about what you used to look like or how you used to have a beard or whatever of that sort because then he might start getting very uncomfortable lol.
My boyfriend knows about my past, although none of his family knows and i have no intention to ever tell them... The only thing we will tell them one day is that i cant have children.
I dont talk about my male past, and he does not want to see any pictures of me as a male.. which is fine with me, as i dont really want to show anyone those pics.. luckily not much survived, as most of these pictures were destroyed in a house fire many years ago.
He sees me as a beautiful young woman who he has fallen in love with, and he says my vagina is the best he has had the pleasure of entering... although he told me he has only slept with 3 other woman in his life..
When my boyfriend's divorce is final we will get married. I've been with him over 3 years and he went with me to Montreal for my GRS.
I have been living together with my boyfriend now for 18 months. He knows about my past, but he's family doesn't. Two of his best friends also know. We are going to crete this summer, and I have a feeling its going to be a question asked ;)
Jojo I love this!!! Completely honest. Coming from one Hawaii girl to another I'm very happy for you!!! Your literally living the dream. I love how you talked about the "tee" In a very honest and straightforward way. The ultimate goal for me is to blend as much as possible. This is lovely
yep, met my husband about 1 year after srs. a chance meeting at a bar. { was on a date with another guy} :o told him the next day, and it didnt matter. married two years later, that was10 years ago, 8 married, 9th coming up in a few months.
just one question, a new term im hearing in here, CIS, could someone define that for me?
Quote from: lilredneckgirl on January 20, 2015, 07:41:49 PM
yep, met my husband about 1 year after srs. a chance meeting at a bar. { was on a date with another guy} :o told him the next day, and it didnt matter. married two years later, that was10 years ago, 8 married, 9th coming up in a few months.
just one question, a new term im hearing in here, CIS, could someone define that for me?
Congratulations on what, for many of us. our ultimate goal, a long and happy marriage.
"Cis" is just one more in a series of recently invented, poorly defined terms to somehow, yet again, draw that distinction between "trans*-peeps", and everybody
else.
LOL, ok, just didnt want to offend anyone with old school terms..... or use a term I didnt know what it ment.
oh, and marriage, Lets say both my husband and myself are pushing 60 years old. we are in love, we are there for each other, but honestly, marriage is never always happy , lol.
still would like to know what the " C I S " stands for.... been rackin my brain till it hurts and I cant put words to those letters.
It's a derivative of a Latin prefix. So while 'trans' means across. 'cis' means the same.
Quote from: noleen111 on January 11, 2015, 01:59:30 AM
My boyfriend knows about my past, although none of his family knows and i have no intention to ever tell them... The only thing we will tell them one day is that i cant have children.
I dont talk about my male past, and he does not want to see any pictures of me as a male.. which is fine with me, as i dont really want to show anyone those pics.. luckily not much survived, as most of these pictures were destroyed in a house fire many years ago.
He sees me as a beautiful young woman who he has fallen in love with, and he says my vagina is the best he has had the pleasure of entering... although he told me he has only slept with 3 other woman in his life..
Noleen that is the same with my husband. You explained it better lol
Quote from: Sophiabutterfly09 on January 20, 2015, 12:59:26 PM
Jojo I love this!!! Completely honest. Coming from one Hawaii girl to another I'm very happy for you!!! Your literally living the dream. I love how you talked about the "tee" In a very honest and straightforward way. The ultimate goal for me is to blend as much as possible. This is lovely
Thanks Sophia. Hope all goes well for you! It may not be similar experience to some but in my experience, I like to keep things on the down low with society. I transitioned to a full women and had my srs and BA done and to live life as a woman, I am entitled to keeping my gender secret and only a few would only know such as husband and the people I grew up with
Quote from: medulla on January 14, 2015, 01:42:02 PM
I have been living together with my boyfriend now for 18 months. He knows about my past, but he's family doesn't. Two of his best friends also know. We are going to crete this summer, and I have a feeling its going to be a question asked ;)
That's lovely Medulla, hope he pops the question, I'm celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary this year, I've a feeling my husband will have a surprise for me, well for our 5th anniversary, I'm expecting more than flowers :-*
MtFs marry cis men all the time. You just have to find the right guy.
Each of us has to make choices, but for me, at my age, I don't want to have a past hanging around that could cause issues later, so I will make sure any man knows of my history. If that history causes him to leave me, then he wasn't the man for me anyway. But younger transwomen may have so little public history that their lives will simply be viewed without regarding to their childhood history.
Stealth is a complicated topic and made more complicated by the availability of public information out there today. For me, personally, ensuring the man I love knows, will be simpler. For others it may differ and I certainly won't judge one way or another. We each have to weigh all the factors and come to our own conclusions.
Of course they do, why the heck not?
I'm engaged to one....and he's a cop...not that matters, but I know many who are married
Quote from: Tammy M on January 14, 2015, 01:07:37 PM
When my boyfriend's divorce is final we will get married. I've been with him over 3 years and he went with me to Montreal for my GRS.
Our GRS must have been just a week or two apart. Mine was Sept. 10. Wonderful facility with great people.
You doing well?