Just curious to know just where one could go in the US that's fairly trans-friendly. All I really know is Small Town Ohio and it's not like I'm looking to move right away. I just know that it may be something I'll eventually have to do if I'm ever to transition or even attempt to live full-time as Daria. I just don't think I can be safe here forever, and to be fairly honest, I'm not sure how much baggage I'm going to want to carry of my birth identity once I do decide what to do and how I'm going to deal with this.
I have a son, and I don't want to burden him with this until he's older. He deals with so much of his own stuff, a neglectful mother, poverty, plus being a teenage outcast a lot like I was when I was his age. Maybe not the best time to tell him that his dad is trans. That, and his mom HATES me. When we were together, she'd constantly use my more feminine sexuality as a weapon against me, angry because she wanted a "real man" in bed, and I'm just not that "take charge and jam it in there" kind of person. I'm not sure if I'm using the term "bottom" right as it relates to lesbians, but it feels like the right term to use. I'm a bottom, and I want a girl to take me, so to speak. But I'm going off target...
The point is, I'm not looking at a real transition anytime soon. Like, maybe 5 years, at least. Let my son get out of High School before having to deal with his dad's trans issues, at least. And a chance to be able to get away from his mother, I guess. We're not married, or even together. The thought I was ever with her makes me really, really hate myself. She never loved me, and I don't think I ever really loved her. I only stayed with her at all because I didn't want to be alone. But having a kid together, and her basically refusing to get a job or do anything to help herself at all, relying on me to be her primary source of income... I might as well be chained to her. And I don't want her to EVER know about this, if I can help it. Obviously, it would get back to her eventually if I maintained a relationship with my son after transitioning, but by then, I'd hope to be gone far enough away that she'd never really be able to hurt me.
Worse yet, he goes to the same school I graduated from. SO that complicates matters even more.
I don't know. Like I said, years off, and things can change. But it'd be nice to know if there's anywhere to go, places I can learn about, maybe set up contacts... I don't know, something. Something to dream of, even. Something that might help give me hope while I try to stick out the next few years for my son's benefit.
From my experience being out and about on the west coast is pretty cool with a live and let live attitude at worst. Most major metro areas are OK too. We may always run in to an individual who is a hater but when I traveled in the old deep south it was a different and less comfortable story. Where it really counts is in our immediate family, work place and social community. Any of us are capable of reaching out and helping to create that accepting and supportive circle of friends and intentional family members.
I advocate staying in place and helping to change the community we know for the better. But that is just one opinion eh?
I live in Howard County Maryland. It is a very accepting and supportive place for trans people.
New York City and San Francisco for starters. Most big metro areas in fact.
Quote from: Tessa James on January 14, 2015, 11:19:07 PM
I advocate staying in place and helping to change the community we know for the better.
I'm hoping I can do something like that. If not, maybe I'll just have to emigrate or keep myself shut in the closet.
So far I haven't been run out of Los Angeles with torches and pitchforks.
Quote from: Tessa James on January 14, 2015, 11:19:07 PM
I advocate staying in place and helping to change the community we know for the better. But that is just one opinion eh?
I agree with this to a point, but if your in like North Dakota or something it's really just better that you flee to somewhere at least somewhat more accepting. Really speaking from experience here. It's just not safe or healthy to be trans in MANY parts of middle america.
As for safe, of course any large city will be fine. I visit my friend in Chicago and no one cares at all about me. I get neutral or even positive feedback. Really most people who live in New York, LA, , SF, Chicago are pretty used to seeing things that would be out of the ordinary for most white bread americans. The west coast is going to be ideal I would say. Portland and Seattle are very progessive and somewhat more affordable than California.
Quote from: ImagineKate on January 15, 2015, 07:44:29 AM
New York City and San Francisco for starters. Most big metro areas in fact.
Stay out of Brooklyn though if you consider NYC.
When I was talking to my therapist yesterday, she mentioned that the top 3 ranked trans-friendly cities in the US are San Francisco, New York, and Orlando. I forgot which study she was citing though.
Quote from: DragonBeer on January 15, 2015, 04:40:37 PM
Stay out of Brooklyn though if you consider NYC.
In terms of trans friendliness or cost?
I know some parts are pretty bad but some are getting expensive.
Quote from: ImagineKate on January 15, 2015, 06:22:44 PM
In terms of trans friendliness or cost?
I know some parts are pretty bad but some are getting expensive.
Cost: NYC is definitely not the place
Friendliness: Refrain from traveling in Brooklyn and Bronx after dusk.
True to an extent. But I think some parts of Brooklyn are as safe as the better parts of Manhattan. I went to college in Brooklyn.
Quote from: suzifrommd on January 15, 2015, 07:35:36 AM
I live in Howard County Maryland. It is a very accepting and supportive place for trans people.
I second this. I grew up in MD (DC suburbs) and spent time in Montgomery, Howard, PG, Frederick counties, and I found all quite accepting. Takoma Park, MD, as of 10 yrs ago, was a great little suburban hippie enclave. The VA suburbs are pretty good culturally but, well, Virginia. Washington DC itself is good, though tends to conservative in professional circles
Other good places IMO: Bucks County PA and Hunterdon County NJ (across the river from one another), excellent but pricey, small town suburbs or rural. Rochester NY is good, mid-size city, though there's less of a non-binary presence. Boston is great, but about as overwhelming as NYC, also with a high cost of living. Western MA is great for trans women and lesbian-friendly trans guys. I don't have direct experience except as a visitor, but Asheville NC, Ithaca NY and Minneapolis-St Paul seem like they'd be nice.
But do make sure to cross-reference this list against places there are 1) jobs and/or 2) schools for you! Many trans-friendly areas have a very high cost of living.
Quote from: Bran on January 15, 2015, 08:07:38 PM
I don't have direct experience except as a visitor, but Asheville NC, Ithaca NY and Minneapolis-St Paul seem like they'd be nice.
I grew up around Minneapolis/St Paul and it is a very progressive medium sized city. It may be a little harder to blend in than it would be in a larger city but it is very safe and friendly. Minnesotans put a lot of emphasis on being friendly...and it doesn't even matter if you're sincere or not really, it's just expected that you at least fake it. This drives some people, especially from the east coast, crazy.
Quote from: DragonBeer on January 15, 2015, 04:40:37 PM
Stay out of Brooklyn though if you consider NYC.
I cannot speak to Brooklyn, but my take in general is Yes,
IN any big city you'll be mostly OK. Just outside of it or the suburbs it is an entirely different story. I lived just about my entire life in New Jersey within a 5 mile radius of midtown Manhattan. I also spent about 5 years living in rural West Virginia halfway between Washington and Pittsburgh. I had absolutely no issues at all in WV. My wife especially, and to a small extent I also fear for my personal safety and the real likelihood of vandalism or worse to our property here in NJ just 2 miles from the George Washington bridge into NYC. We are really just a small part of the megaopolis of NYC. The real suburbs begins about another 30 miles west of here.
If you can afford the $3000/month rent for a closet in NYC, I say go for it
Quote from: Bran on January 15, 2015, 08:07:38 PM
I second this. I grew up in MD (DC suburbs) and spent time in Montgomery, Howard, PG, Frederick counties, and I found all quite accepting. Takoma Park, MD, as of 10 yrs ago, was a great little suburban hippie enclave. The VA suburbs are pretty good culturally but, well, Virginia. Washington DC itself is good, though tends to conservative in professional circles.
TBH, Northern Virginia is very accepting. I never had any issues there or in DC. And the state of Virginia allows you to change the marker on your DL with only a letter from your therapist.
I have worked in pretty conservative professional circles in DC and really never had an issue either.
State wise I've been all over California, across Northern Arizona, and New Mexico, Virginia, Maryland, and Florida. I got some drunk guy heckling me in downtown Albuquerque. As for California, I'd say stay out of Kern county, and maybe Lake, they're like the Southern and Northern equivalent of Oklahoma. As for mid sized towns, I like Flagstaff. It's a fun town with a bit of counter culture to it, and it seems to be growing too.
Other than Austin, I'd stay away from Texas. If you have to live in the South, maybe Huntsville... although I've not been there yet. If you don't mind Ohio, there's always Columbus....
-Alana
I will throw my hat in the DC metro area camp. I grew up in southern Maryland, moved to northern Virginia for college and never really left. I work in DC and I've never had any issues whatsoever.
Quote from: Sabine on January 15, 2015, 09:20:11 PM
TBH, Northern Virginia is very accepting. I never had any issues there or in DC. And the state of Virginia allows you to change the marker on your DL with only a letter from your therapist.
I have worked in pretty conservative professional circles in DC and really never had an issue either.
I'll also toss my wig in for Maryland, especially Montgomery County. They were one of the first counties, (I think 20 years now?) that had a trans protection law in place. MD itself passed on finally last year after many attempts to get it out of Senate committee. It is also pretty easy to change your D/L gender marker. Also, under the ACA State employees GRS is now covered. So us peons will be next.
My support group is right near the eastern edge of Washington county. For the most part even the locals there for the most part are T friendly. On TDOR being out in the main intersection in Hagerstown we've never been hassled by drivers. Many of my group members also go to Whitman Walker. They do a fantastic job for medical, and legal support for trans folks.
Seattle is really good for trans people. Lots of resources - therapists, doctors, surgeons, groups, other trans people around who have been paving the way for years. Cost of living better than NYC, CA...probably about even with Portland
You can live in a suburb to be cheaper, but then go to the city proper for trans resources/other doctors.
Quote from: DragonBeer on January 15, 2015, 04:40:37 PM
Stay out of Brooklyn though if you consider NYC.
Parts of Brooklyn maybe, but areas like Park Slope are very trans friendly.
I'm just going to advocate Portland, OR and/or anywhere in the Portland-Metro area as an amazing place for trans-friendly resources. We even have a whole center/building dedicated to the LGBTQIAA community, called the Q Center, and I've been met with nothing but acceptance and "That's awesome!"s to people I've just told of my ->-bleeped-<- on a whim. Portland is an amazing place and as a majority, nothing short of tolerant, if not wholly accepting.
I stayed where i was. ive linked my website to my profile, so its all there for the reading. news paper stories, what a way to get "outed", but thats how it went for me.
The shocker was, the people of my little city, in the ultra conservative Shenandoah Valley, took it well, accepted me, and now many yars later, Im still here, happy, accepted and respected.
Im all for the stand your ground approach. you shouldn't have to leave every part of your life, job, home and friends behind.
Austin's got a live and let live vibe for sure and leadership has been moving forward on trans rights for a while now. I actually love the Texas brand of optimism (start a business, heck yeah! Etc...) and when you make it austin liberal you've got a nice mix. Our fair city keeps getting younger and hipper.
There isn't a trans neighborhood or scene though. Limited bars dedicated for us and only recently a trans and gender queer group has popped up but it's growing and surprisingly strong.
Most here seem to have their group and they come out and are relatively accepted and supported and they stay put in the life they have - resulting in limited needs for refugee type enclaves. It's nice but makes it harder for transplants unless they connect through the trans community which is just now gaining traction from my vantage point.
I live in the DC metro area, and I actually like it. I don't like VA all that much, because despite the cultural attitudes in NoVA being pretty good, insurance companies can still disallow coverage for trans related things in their policies where as Maryland and DC have better protections. That being said, when my GF was visiting (she lives in FL :( ) really only one person ever gave us an odd look for holding hands and kissing, and that was at DCA, and they were talking with a serious southern accent so it was safe to assume they weren't really from around here.
That isn't to say that there isn't discrimination here, I am sure there is, but I haven't really had any particularly bad experiences. I do pass, so this might be part of it, but I have had to tell people like my Insurance agent (because I hadn't legally changed my name yet) and whatnot and they didn't really care, and use my proper pronouns.
Seattle is excellent if you are on the westside. The eastside (references to west or east side of Lake Washington) is not quite as good but it's not bad by any means, just not as good. The best spot in Seattle to be, well pretty much whatever you want to be, is Capitol Hill. They have an extensive gay and lesbian community in addition to a lot of trans support.
Since I happen to be typing right before the NFC Championship I feel required to say, Go Seahawks!
Having lived near DC and now near Seattle I would say that hands down that Seattle is better, at least for me. People tend to be nicer in addition to a number of other things that work for me.
My biggest concern about the whole "stay and fight" mentality is, honestly, a sense of spite. This lie I'm living now... I want that man to die. I want all that pain and sorrow and confusion and all that other baggage to be dead and buried with that lie, and, for the most part, the people who made that lie the most necessary to die along with it. Not literally, obviously, but I'd rather let a lot of the people who've ever known me assume I died then ever let them know about Daria Quinn. People like the one ex I was talking abut in the original post, people I went to school with who made that lie such a necessity, it became like a suit of armor. People like my dad, the person my lie was named for, and all of his scarring and issues that go back to being abused by his stepfather, who's last name my lie carries and I honestly wish would die with me. It won't. I have a step-brother who'll carry that cursed name into another generation.
I know as this road goes on, a lot of this is going to change. 5 years is a long time to stick something out, but I know how teenagers are. I've had that sting of being the "freak" of the class, and my son already has that stigma on him without anyone knowing about his dad's issues. It's not fair to him to make that worse if I can help it. Maybe further down this road, I can trust more people in my life with this. But I don't think I can, and those I could, I don't think they'd ever have my back enough to stay here. Besides, I lived a lie for 33 years already. What's another 5 or so?
I hate feeling like this. But I guess that's why I'm asking about this in the first place. Just something to help me maintain some hope that maybe, someday, I'll be free, that there's an entire world to be in, and that I'm not completely alone.
Thank you all for the responses.
Wow Daria that is profoundly affecting. We all come from different places and your history bites harsh. It is easier for some of us and that reflects no judgement on your personal choice of where best to live. It is easier for me, with no parents, bosses, or co workers to mess with and my kids on their own.
Even being a liberal long haired queer was enough for my kids to be discriminated against in school. I get it, you are needing to consider more than the climate for your family life.
Thank you for sharing those personal challenges with us. That is a lot to overcome and more baggage than anyone might want to carry. I look forward to toasting a celebration to your future freedoms.
New Hope Bucks County Pennsylvania is very friendly but very expensive (I would love to live there). The gayborhood in Philadelphia Pennsylvania is very accepting.
Philadelphia has some protections for trans. Some parts of Philly are bad for trans but others are very good. I work next to the University of Pennsylvania and university City is very accepting.
My daughter graduates high school in June and turns 18 in July. I understand your desire to protect your son.
If I had to move from Philly I would want to go to LA.
Quote from: IAmDariaQuinn on January 18, 2015, 02:09:00 PM
. . . I hate feeling like this. But I guess that's why I'm asking about this in the first place. Just something to help me maintain some hope that maybe, someday, I'll be free, that there's an entire world to be in, and that I'm not completely alone. . .
I understand the importance of making plans, or at the very least having dreams, when you're in a position where you can't make a change.
You're not alone, and there is a whole wide world out there. In the US, I'd hazard most densely populated areas are fairly socially accepting, as a rule. Even urban areas in very conservative parts of the country are pretty decent. And rural or suburban areas in the Northeast are quite welcoming compared to what you describe. I've been in a same-sex relationship for years, and when I decided on a place to settle after school, the social and legal climate was a huge part of my decision-making. You can do the same thing when the time comes.
Having a teenager in an area like that must be hard. But, remember, very few decent people have a good time in high school. It's usually a drawn-out form of torture. Bullying, social exclusion, and open hostility are never good, but it's a common experience for teens from many backgrounds, and most manage to overcome it in adulthood. As awful as it is at the time, IMO it's a better sign that your son is getting picked on for being a freak than it would be if he were fitting in. Being hated by those sorts of people speaks well to his character.
There are good reasons to lie, and kids are one of them. Especially if your long-term goal is to live honestly as yourself.
new orleans is a pretty accepting place and underrated in the lgbt community i think. although, as someone who's lived here for ~20 years, the state of louisiana itself is pretty terrible. but as long as you can stay mostly in the city you're fine.
i feel like somewhere like seattle or portland would be ideal, though. neither are very expensive and both at least have a lot more legal protections for trans people than a lot of places do.
Quote from: Alana_Jane on January 15, 2015, 09:50:21 PMIf you don't mind Ohio, there's always Columbus....
Born and raised... ran away a few times, came back. Never had any problems and I even live in a 'rougher' neighborhood.