I got myself on a bunch of dating sites where I say I'm trans , but there's one where I'm me but don't put down I'm trans. I just want to talk to guys that see my true picture ,but not my trans issue. Is this really wrong or not . If I did find someone interesting I'd tell them ,but just to converse on a superficial level is it right or not. I know everyone is of different opinions , but I'd just like to here what the thinking about this is.
I don't think there is anything wrong with it unless something serious could develop.
THEN you have a problem.
Nothing wrong with that Stephanie...
I mean, it wasn't until I joined Susan's that I started being more open about being trans online.... Everyone RL knows I'm trans, I'm very open about it, but most people I've known online over the years never have.... And honestly, I don't think it's a big deal, I am just me, I identify as a woman, yes I also happen to be trans but I don't see a reason to go around waving a flag round strangers and people I just met online....:) (Unless I'm advocating for something on a post on Facebook, lol)
The only person who needs to know is your partner or one night stand if you know you're going to do something "more" I think you know what I mean.
Well, that and people who you gain attachment to, if you really need to.. That is.
PS: If you think they'd treat you different for knowing you're trans, then they weren't worth talking to or knowing in first place.... So instead of telling them, bin them.
I'm not seeing a problem. I haven't listed as trans on the one site I'm on. If it looks like we'll meet then I'll tell them.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 18, 2015, 10:56:08 PM
I don't think there is anything wrong with it unless something serious could develop.
THEN you have a problem.
I'd tell him before I ever would attempt to meet for coffee. I just don't want to necessarily mention it right away because in all likelihood I'll never even consider meeting the vast majority of them, I'd just like to feel the freedom of being my true self and have the experience of trying to get to know someone
Honesty is something that I value more than ever now. I wasn't completely honest with myself until a couple of years ago, and it was literally killing me. I like the concept of full disclosure and I would want it in return as well.
well, I was just curious because the site that I don't put trans down has this divorced doctor interested in me and I'd like to get to know him a little , but he's on the east coast so I won't be physically meeting any time soon . but I like to talk to him with out mentioning the trans part right away just to experience the situation as is. So , I gather from the opinion so far there's not really any problem.
As my views on this evolve or perhaps, I am more jaded, I don't feel that anyone really has a right to know anything about me that I don't want them to. I have disclosed on dating sites, but really I don't feel I need to. I suppose it is academic seeing as I am taken, and I am happy in my relationship, and the issue is moot because we happen to both be transwomen.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 19, 2015, 12:31:47 AM
well, I was just curious because the site that I don't put trans down has this divorced doctor interested in me and I'd like to get to know him a little , but he's on the east coast so I won't be physically meeting any time soon . but I like to talk to him with out mentioning the trans part right away just to experience the situation as is. So , I gather from the opinion so far there's not really any problem.
I used to see this the way Hikari does - that my history is no one's business until I am comfortable telling them.
However my therapist, who has worked with hundreds of MtF over her 20+ year career told me that she's
never seen a relationship between a trans woman and a straight man survive him finding out that she's trans. She knows many such relationships that thrive but always either in stealth (which she does not recommend because of the anxiety it causes and potential for disaster) or with a man that knows from the start.
You should not feel like you have to disclose anything on personal sites. If you feel like things are progressing well, then you can tell them at a time of your choosing. But I don't personally feel like there is anything to gain by needlessly outing yourself to anyone and everyone who views your profile.
i dont think theres anything morally wrong with it, but i also think people who know from the start wont ever mind. so theres no need to worry. if they know and still like you then its all good in the hood. otherwise its like going back into the closet with someone you want to be close to, and the dread and fear of them finding out begins again. nty. id tell em up front so its no big deal later on. my 2c
I think that the narrative and point in time when one discloses one's status should change in important ways if one is pre- or post-op.
I had a long discussion on this with my girlfriends, and there was a general concensus, agreeing with my point of view that if you are pre-op it is good to disclose in advance, so that a potential date/sexual partner knows that you're definitely going to have some unconventional stuff in your underwear. It also avoids both parties from wasting time on an absolutely no-go situation.
But post-op, you've pretty much got the physical bits that the person is expecting. Certainly some dates/partners will still freak out when they know your history, but some will be more accepting. There are no guarantees, of course, but I think that once a person gets to know you and like you, this does somewhat change their perception.
Julia
well, the thing is I just went through a terrible experience with the person not knowing at first and it got really beautiful and totally unexpected and looked incredibly promising . I freaked out because I didn't want to hurt him because he was so sweet and genuine , so I told him and he couldn't accept it and left. That was totally unexpected in such a short time, I think maybe if I let the moment flow a little longer he won't maybe freak out so fast. I don't know maybe I have a warped perception , but I am being honest with my picture and name I just left out the trans part. I'm just confused because I'll tell the person if things start going away towards something more, but I'd really like to talk to someone without having the trans part as the first thing.
The way I see it, Stephanie, I've wasted enough of my life trying to be what others expect me to be. When it comes to dating and courting, I want to know right away whether someone I've met is going to have a problem with me being a trans woman. Issues of morality and etiquette aside, I'm not prepared to squander weeks or months of my life getting to know someone who is predestined to dump on me (or worse) the instant they find out that I have a trans history.
The awful truth is that the vast majority of people will not be able to accept a trans person within the context of an intimate relationship. I say that's their problem, not mine. I know I'm a great catch. That being said, I'm most incline to do all I can to put myself into the path of those who have the capacity to love and accept me for exactly who I am. For me, that means being upfront when I put myself out there for dating purposes. What can I say, I just prefer to weed through the slag quickly so that I can get to the gems without wasting too much of my precious life on weenies who don't deserve me.
Hugs!
Miharu
well , that's a very good and valid point
I never put my trans status in my profile. I would always skype with the person and tell them then or message them that I'm in transition if things were moving forward towards dating. Anyways my method worked out since I'm now in a relationship.
Quote from: Lady_Oracle on January 19, 2015, 02:27:19 PM
I never put my trans status in my profile. I would always skype with the person and tell them then or message them that I'm in transition if things were moving forward towards dating. Anyways my method worked out since I'm now in a relationship.
Well, that's the point where I'd like to do it because I feel the need to engage with someone first to see how it goes and then the last hurdle to see if something deeper can be achieved. My life is a reality as far as the trans issue , that's who I am and if the last barrier falls that's cool , but if he or she can't accept it no harm done , just part of dating.
I kind of see having it in my profile as a filter for determining if the people who contact me or respond to my messages are going to be able to handle having a relationship with me as I am. Like others have said, its better then spending all that energy getting to know someone to have it not work out because I'm transitioning, if I was post-op I might not list it.
well, ive chimed this topic many times.
being post op, my opinion.....
on your profile, NO, its not a requirment to list your life history.
I never did the long drawn out online thing, if they were not i my area, i just shut that guy down and moved on. chances are it wasnt going anywhere and amounted to a waste of time.
Local guys, i would use the online news to feel them out from the get go. were they open minded, accepting , etc.
then before I met, or certainly after the first meeting, especialy if the first meeting was by chance, say at a night club, I would make the phone call.
I met my husband in a local night club / bar. was on a date with someone else, yes my date knew my story, ....
My husband was playing pool, 8 ball. I played a few games, beating him. every time , he went over and sat next to my date.
Later that night he asked if he could call me. when i offered my number, he sais he already had it...?? got it from my date, lmao.
the next day he calls, saying he wanted to see me again. AT that point, i pumped the brakes, and started with that dreaded but nessesary line, " there is something I must tell you".
He let me speak, and I told him, Post op, completed transition, etc.
His reply, yep, your date told me....
married now 9 years.
Honesty, sooner then later, saves the wasted time o someone not understanding and accepting. not telling lends on deception. remember, a lie is a lie in the context of, " a lie of omission"
Everyone has their own personal choice, as to when to tell. Think it through, wear their shoes.
and for your safety, please, dont do some long drawn out online thing, then months in, decide to tell in person at the first in person meeting. Bad choice in my opinion. no tellin how a person is going to react, so best to be on the phone verses standing there in front of them.
thanks
Only you can decide what is right or wrong for your life, so long as you are happy & safe then you've made the right choice
Naw, don't list on the profile. Just thinking practically here-nobody is going to want to date you if they know you're trans (well, some people will, but then they'll want you to use your equipment in ways that you might not feel ok doing). My new stratgey is to tell someone on the second date; by that time, they have already have gotten to know me and have a reason to stay even if this is a turn-off for them. Granted, I'm still new to this since I've just now gotten to the point where I'm able to pass with some consistency.
all opinions are welcome because I'm new to this situation .
I would say it is wrong to lead ANYONE on without letting them knowing you're trans.
Make friends? Sure. Talk flirty, date, etc? No.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 18, 2015, 10:53:41 PM
I got myself on a bunch of dating sites where I say I'm trans , but there's one where I'm me but don't put down I'm trans. I just want to talk to guys that see my true picture ,but not my trans issue. Is this really wrong or not . If I did find someone interesting I'd tell them ,but just to converse on a superficial level is it right or not. I know everyone is of different opinions , but I'd just like to here what the thinking about this is.
Online you only know the other person by their presentation there. You never know whether they are presenting their true self.
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 18, 2015, 11:25:28 PM
I'm not seeing a problem. I haven't listed as trans on the one site I'm on. If it looks like we'll meet then I'll tell them.
I think it would be better to tell them first before meeting, or at least before it progresses beyond casual conversation.
Well, gee... I do not know for certain. I guess it depends on what you are trying to accomplish. You want to meet people who know you as Stephanie. Nothing wrong with that -- especially if its on a superficial level. To me, your transexualness is a medical problem. None of us go around discussing our medical issues right off the bat with people we meet, unless there is a compelling need to do so. But if you meet an individual who is leaning more towards "really really" getting to know you or you getting to know them (and it will probably happen - as it already has), then you will be a bit more experienced in bringing them to know the challenges Stephanie faces in her life, and in particular that controversial medical issue.
well, I've got one notch that ran away when he found out , so I guess it's like going to the tables in Las Vegas/
I think hiding this is setting oneself up for a big fall :~o
Even if I do eventually 'pass', I'll always tell people I am trans.
I just can't get close to somebody with a skeleton in my closet. Or at least, I don't want to go there again ...
NO! There's NOTHING wrong. You're a WOMAN, PERIOD! Telling MOST of straight men you're trans is EQUIVALENT as telling them you're a man.
Since I began in 2009, I have been with thousands of men and let me share by my personal experience and of my many of other transsexual friends what MAJORITY of straight men think and have told me personally and to my friends:
This is they have been telling on the different stages...
1. Non-Passable Pre-Op: "OMG you're a man with boobs"
2. Passable Pre-Op: "You're good-looking but that d*ck down there is a major turn off"
3. Non-Passable Post-Op: "You're an 'operated' man, you're just a man with an inverted d*ck."
4. Passable Post-Op: "You're very pretty but I'm not sure cos you were a man before, your chrosomes is YY, you can't produce babies, I'm not sure if I'd do it with you or not. Oh ->-bleeped-<- it, this would make me feel gay. Sorry for all your efforts dude but to me you're still a man"
There are 3 types of straight men:
1.Liberal straight men: They accept you as you are as they view the WOMAN IN YOUR SOUL.
2.Moderate straight men: They will accept you ONLY if you are post-op
3.Strict straight men: You can be the most beautiful and passable ->-bleeped-<- in the world but to them you will be ALWAYS A MAN COS YOU BORN ONE.
Unfortunately MAJORITY of straight ARE in the category 3 type. And don't even think of telling them or either they will dump you or make you end up in hospital. I generally read their DEGREE of 'straightness' by their FACE, VIBES and BODY LANGUAGE. The category 3 are hyper macho and hardcore pussy-munchers, they have an aggressive alpha-male stance. The category 1 have a 'softer' and more romantic presence but of course this is very general what I am saying, they vary differently. BUT OVERALL YOU NEED TO BE SURE WHAT TYPE HE IS BEFORE YOU SPEAK OUT OR NOT. Category 1 yes, category 2 yes if you're post op, category 3 either you take the mad risk stealthing if you're madly in love/attached with him till he discovers(either he will dump you or smash your face off) or simply avoid them.
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 18, 2015, 11:25:28 PM
I'm not seeing a problem. I haven't listed as trans on the one site I'm on. If it looks like we'll meet then I'll tell them.
Basically.
You don't have to throw it out there if you don't wanna. But if a certain situation was to come up.......such as a man being really interested in you or wanting to meet then yea maybe it would be a good idea to let him know.
But other than that just do whatever the hell you want. And happy hunting! Go find you a man! :D
I don't put it on mine cause I don't want to be bothered by a bunch of ->-bleeped-<-s, but because I'm pre-op and not wanting to get my hopes up too much, I will tell before I meet somebody about my history. Then inevitably that ends it right there lol. It's become too discouraging and I don't even answer messages anymore.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 20, 2015, 08:10:58 PM
well, I've got one notch that ran away when he found out , so I guess it's like going to the tables in Las Vegas/
Stephanie, I meet with my womens study group on a weekly basis and you are not alone in your thinking. Every single woman I've met almost always has the same story along that same line -- and that's because they have no issues downstairs. Maybe upstairs? haha. So yes, it kinda like the tables in Las Vegas... sometimes we get a winning hand, sometimes a losing hand and sometimes you hit the JackPot!! Let your intuition guide you-follow your gut instinct, its rarely wrong. For me, I learned a long time ago to only tell when I felt it was the right time depending on the circumstances. So far **knock on wood** it has worked for me. I'm married now, but I do know the rush of angst leading up to the moment of having to tell.