In our local TG support group, we've noticed a certain number of people who come once and never again. I've been to maybe 8 sessions, and I've seen two or three such people. The ones I've noticed have been young (20's?) M2Fs.
One of the organizers of the group sent out an E-mail asking if anyone had any idea why some people weren't coming back (with an eye to making it more welcoming.) However, the recipients would have been people who _do_ return.
So I thought I'd ask here, where there might be people who've tried support groups and not wanted to go back:
what are typical reasons why people try a support group but don't go back?
I've wondered the same thing. A lot of people have never been to a support group, so they don't know what to expect. When they see what it's like, for whatever reason it's not for them.
I've also been to some bad groups, where newbies are ignored, or where attitudes are off-putting.
Some people go back into the closet and decide not to transition or to do it without support.
There are also people who use isolation as a coping skill and only manage to get past it once.
I've even seen a couple people who came just to ask a particular question. When it was answered, they never saw any reason to come back.
Like you, Asche, I wish we could ask them.
I'm not sure if this is helpful but I want to give my input on support groups, in general, and why they might not be for everybody.
When I quit drinking, the first step I took was going to AA. I found it very counter-productive to be surrounded by alcoholics when I, myself, was trying to steer clear of anything that would make me want to drink. I would never advocate avoiding AA to anybody who wants to quit drinking (obviously it works for many people) but it definitely did nothing for me but make me want to drink. I successfully quit without going to another one and haven't had a drink since.
I think for some people, TG support groups might be too triggering. They see people they can't possibly aspire to and see others who they fear may be illustrative of their actual probable outcome. Some may not feel like they fit in. Others may feel like they aren't at that stage yet after they see people who are further along. If your group is mostly people who are far into their transitions, a "newbie" like me might feel uncomfortable with their own progress or maybe embarrassed.
I'm a person that hesitates going to one so I hope my perspective helps. If I manage to find and attend a support group, I'll let you know how I felt there.
I run an LGBT support group so may be able to provide a few answers here.
Sometimes it's due to a clash of personality, there's very little you can do about that.
Sometimes people feel that once they talk about being trans they will have to go through with transitioning & they run away scared, this is quite common as i've had several support workers say they want to put someone in touch with me but the person backs out as discussing it with another trans person makes it too real. I know that once i'd told one person I was trans I had an unbelievable urge to tell everyone, in that situation we are faced with a "fight or flight" response & many choose flight.
All you can really do about that is reasure them that it's their body, their life and how they deal with it is their choice
If the group is support based instead of social some people don't want to discuss problems, they just attended to meet others like themselves.
Maybe switch the group from support to social, people will still get support from the group but the shift in priorities may make people more at home.
There's no nice way to phrase the next two points, god knows i've tried. If someone in the group doesn't pass then others may feel uncomfortable being around them, sometimes they fear it reflects on their inability to pass, sometimes thay feel being in the presence of that person cancels out their ability to pass.
At the moment I have no solution to this, if you have any ideas then i'm all ears (or eyes as it's online)
Some people try to dominate a group, if they are not the center of attention for the whole group then they tend to strop off in a huff. This is a very difficult situation to deal with, every case like this has to be dealt with individualy, I can't give any blanket advice, sorry.
These are the first few problems i've had to face, if any other pop into my head i'll let you know. If you have any questions then feel free to post them here or pm me.
FWIW:
1. The people I'm thinking of passed pretty well, better than some of the regulars. I don't know about where they were in transition, they mostly didn't participate. I don't know about any others the organizer was thinking of.
2. The group usually (but not always) has more F2Ms than M2Fs. Most of us are older (40s+)
If you simply want to fade into the woodwork, they seem too loud and proud. They seem to revel in the 'being trans' not in dealing with it or how to work past it. Too many people who tell you how to be more like them instead of how to be like the world you want to be a part of.
Quote from: Asche on February 25, 2015, 01:51:33 PM
FWIW:
1. The people I'm thinking of passed pretty well, better than some of the regulars. I don't know about where they were in transition, they mostly didn't participate. I don't know about any others the organizer was thinking of.
2. The group usually (but not always) has more F2Ms than M2Fs. Most of us are older (40s+)
Honestly it would sound to me like I would t really relate to that group so I probably wouldn't come back either. If the group isn't really like similar to me and my peers I might as well just get support from my normal group of friends. Also if people really don't pass sonetimea it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm Just at the stage where I am trying to reach out to support groups etc. I had a little adventure last night trying to get to one that ended in failure. I have only ever been in online groups. My first was for alcoholism and I did disapear a couple times. First, because I was emotionally raw. Then fear of inadequacy, I didn't think I drank enough. Then relapse on other drugs filled me with shame and embarrassment. But it was not an option for me to keep on the way I was and I needed support very badly. If my group (a secular non 12 step) had had a meeting in my area I would have gone.
Anyway, I had to struggle through a lot of those types of feelings last night to get myself out the door. Some of you all here helped me along too. I know that when I finally get to a meeting I will have to deal with all of that again. And it is scary, every step I have taken thusfar has made me want to scream "I'm transgendered!" To anyone who will listen and it is getting harder to not. Once I get to say it to someone in real life, that will be even harder to not do. It is a line that for me, once I have crossed it, there is no going back. Self acceptance was like that ... I obviously don't know what the story is with these folks you mentioned but I can see, if I were them, why they might not come back.
I'm trying all kinds of groups, therapy based and social alike. Anyhoo, that's my thoughts on this, naïve though they may be...
Quote from: Hikari on February 25, 2015, 02:08:13 PM
Honestly it would sound to me like I would t really relate to that group so I probably wouldn't come back either. If the group isn't really like similar to me and my peers I might as well just get support from my normal group of friends. Also if people really don't pass sonetimea it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not impressed with that. I recently pulled away from the support community because someone told me crossdressers triggered them. As we always say if a person has a problem with someone, it's their problem.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Asche on February 25, 2015, 01:51:33 PM
FWIW:
1. The people I'm thinking of passed pretty well, better than some of the regulars. I don't know about where they were in transition, they mostly didn't participate. I don't know about any others the organizer was thinking of.
This could be the issue, some people who pass feel uncomfortable being around those who don't pass as they feel it "outs" them.
I'm not comfortable with this view as it borders on intolerance from the very people who are seeking tolerance, I have more training to come so may have a solution in the future, right now I have to either have a quiet chat with them or pass the buck to one of the more experienced support workers.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 25, 2015, 02:31:58 PM
I'm not impressed with that. I recently pulled away from the support community because someone told me crossdressers triggered them. As we always say if a person has a problem with someone, it's their problem.
Hugs, Devlyn
This +1
Quote from: Jayne on February 25, 2015, 03:03:43 PM
This could be the issue, some people who pass feel uncomfortable being around those who don't pass as they feel it "outs" them.
I'm not comfortable with this view as it borders on intolerance from the very people who are seeking tolerance, I have more training to come so may have a solution in the future, right now I have to either have a quiet chat with them or pass the buck to one of the more experienced support workers.
This + 1
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 25, 2015, 03:21:41 PM
This + 1
Great minds think alike....fools seldom differ
Take your pick ;-)
Here's my take on a situation such as this. My generation isn't very great with communication. Now you make find that ironic since we've made social media it's glory. When you think about it, more teens and young adults don't call each other, they text. When we go to someone's house we text to say we are there instead of ringing the doorbell. More people my age have trouble finding jobs, simply because we don't know how to ask for help. We are a very stuck up generation. As much as I hate to say it, it's the truth. People use social media to make themselves look better than they so it makes the real world much different and it becomes harder to deal with.
Now for me I haven't gone to a ts group yet as I don't where to look. If I did find one it would all depend on the scene. If I were to go to a ts meeting and see that more half of the people there are old enough to be my parents or look like they've been at it for years can be very discouraging. It also doesn't help when you have a bunch of beautiful people in there and depression kicks back into place telling you that you'll never look as good as them. It's hard to deal with. For me I probably would feel kind of freaked out at first thinking oh no, I'm in the wrong place or is really what I might look like. It's terrifying to think of. I am a friendly person though, so once I started talking about things like this and see that people understand me, I feel more welcomed. It's like what some of already said. Even though we are all going through the same kind of thing, younger people see it like this "no they wouldn't understand what it's like to me or they weren't this age when they started so the effects are going to be way different". It's unfortunately how we think. When we talk with people our age, you can relate. We feel the same common stuff and want similar results.
It's like this for me. I'm going to be more inclined to listen to someone around my age who has the same problems. No Offense to anyone on here, but if someone in their 40's was telling me about their transition I honestly would only half listen or not care. If someone my age said the same thing, I'd probably be open and paying attention. It's how it is.
Going back to the whole support group thing, I would continue to offer the support to the younger people. Even if they don't take it, you are letting them know they have option. Maybe even do a meeting where everyone dresses down with no make up and such. It'd be interesting for people like me to see, thinking that hey even though we all want to be pretty let's just go back to where we started. This might show someone that it's a difficult journey no matter who you are. Getting the whole group involved is also another to get people involved. Try to set up different partners for different projects inside and outside of the group meeting to really involve everyone. Sure we all want to talk our feelings but not everyone cares. Do random fun stuff and that might keep people interested.
This is all I got. Hope it was of some help.
Marty (Sammi)
The groups would need to be age relevant. The support someone over, say 29, needs is different to someone who is a teen or over 50.
I've never been to a support group, for me the main disincentive has been accessibility in terms of available times and safe transport. Judging by the comments from other members on this forum over time that is also a big issue. Personally I found Susan's to be all the support I needed anyway. Plus I'm fortunate to be in a small trans social group that gets together every couple of weeks and that gives me a good place to air my wins and grievances
Factor in that many people who attend support groups are scared poopless about going, don't feel they are "trans enough", lack social skills, might encounter a very cliquey group or one that has a few dominant or excessively vocal and/or needy members then there are plenty of reasons people drop out of groups.
They can be depressing. Especially when things are going well for me, it is hard to hear other people struggle. I am very sympathetic, but maybe too much and it ends up pulling me down.
Instead I created a network of cis and trans friends, plus susan's and a few other resources. I have been very happy with that.
As one of these 20-somethings that you speak of... (was 27 when I went to my first support group,)
I know the first time I went to a support group, and saw that it was almost completely dominated by older-transitioning MtFs, I really felt isolated. Like, they were all talking about older-transitioner concerns... coming out on the job, kids, family, and they all seemed WAY more stereotypically feminine than me, with almost every single one of them wearing dresses, heels, and makeup, acting in overtly-stereotypical-feminine manners, and constantly talking about all of the things that proved that they were really women. So I'll be honest, I really didn't feel like I belonged there. I was kinda expecting it to feel like the groups of female friends I've hung out with my entire life, basically just people out living their lives, acting like what I as a young person see as a "typical woman," people who just so happen to be trans and female getting together to hang out and talk about whatever. I didn't expect it to feel like some secretive collection of cross-dressers decked out in stereotypically-feminine attire talking and obsessing about transition as if it was an AA meeting. (I know that's not what they actually were, but it's what it felt like to me at the time.)
Basically, because they clashed so much with what my expectations of what makes someone female was, I felt like I didn't belong there. I was used to hanging around low-key tomboys my whole life, girls whose gender was more incidental, who wore jeans and sweatshirts, not people who looked like they were trying to be on the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. It was a real generational clash for me.
There's also the aspect of time. I have trouble getting out on the best of days, and the local meetings are at a time decent for me, but I still have the mobility issues, and thus can't drive. The bussing to get to the support group takes an hour one way, which means a 2 hour meeting turns into a 4 or 5 hour DAY for me now, or at least a huge chunk of my day when I'm able.
I am not sure how your support group is ran, but maybe you are to structured. My support group literally never makes anyone speak up. We just come talk about whatever and leave. We encourage people to share anything that is pressing or any news you want to talk about, but other then that it's just us hanging out and making friends. we haven't had a single person except some cis allies only show up once.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 25, 2015, 04:27:02 PM
As one of these 20-somethings that you speak of... (was 27 when I went to my first support group,)
I know the first time I went to a support group, and saw that it was almost completely dominated by older-transitioning MtFs, I really felt isolated. Like, they were all talking about older-transitioner concerns... coming out on the job, kids, family, and they all seemed WAY more stereotypically feminine than me, with almost every single one of them wearing dresses, heels, and makeup, acting in overtly-stereotypical-feminine manners, and constantly talking about all of the things that proved that they were really women. So I'll be honest, I really didn't feel like I belonged there.
This so much. This is why after spending lot of time looking into transgender support groups, I have never actually gone.
Carrie, i'm not sure if you realise how insulting some of these comments come across as.
This rant may put some peoples noses out of place & may cause me to fall foul of the moderators but I couldn't care less as my nose has been put well & truly out of place, i've given myself almost an hour before replying so I could calm down
Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 25, 2015, 04:27:02 PM
it was almost completely dominated by older-transitioning MtFs, I really felt isolated. Like, they were all talking about older-transitioner concerns... coming out on the job, kids, family, and they all seemed WAY more stereotypically feminine than me, with almost every single one of them wearing dresses, heels, and makeup
I didn't realise there was an acceptable age limit for wearing heels, dresses or makeup. Like it or not but many of the older transitioners face the problems of coming out on the job whilst dealing with kids & family.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 25, 2015, 04:27:02 PM
I was kinda expecting it to feel like the groups of female friends I've hung out with my entire life, basically just people out living their lives, acting like what I as a young person see as a "typical woman,"
It sounds like they were acting like what they were bought up with as a "typical woman", out living their lives.
Are you sure you didn't project some of your ageist hang ups onto these women? One woman in my group is struggling with the fact that where she grew up she was dragged before village elders & told that she wasn't welcome in her village, later in her life she was forced into electro shock therapy, she is trying to complete RLE before she is able to pass & such comments (online or in person) would be extremely damaging to her.
It sounds like you weren't very accepting of them.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 25, 2015, 04:27:02 PM
I didn't expect it to feel like some secretive collection of cross-dressers decked out in stereotypically-feminine attire talking and obsessing about transition as if it was an AA meeting. (I know that's not what they actually were, but it's what it felt like to me at the time.)
Considering this support site is welcoming to cross dressers that is a rather insulting view, both to older transitioners & cross dressers
Jayne, I think it's fair to express your feelings honestly, and I think that Carrie spoke of it as a generational gap. Personally, I think you're looking for trouble where none exists. As a jeans and t-shirt gal, I would feel out of place in the sort of meeting she described, but not because of them, because of me. I would also be much older than them so might shake my head at what the kids are wearing now days. :)
I'm a jeans and t shirt gal most of the time but due to running a support group I often have to clean up the mess these kind of comments can cause
:police:
I'm going to ask people to keep their cool here.
The OP was asking for honest feedback on why people might not attend more that one session of a support group and, as such, subjective assessments are likely to be offered. As long as they are presented as personal views towards answering the question, not as self-opinionated rants, then they are relevant perspectives. Regardless, please keep in mind that there are people of many ages here, with many modes of gender expression so please phrase your responses to take this into account and be mindful it can be hurtful to others.
Any bickering and I'll shut this thread down.
Quote from: Jayne on February 25, 2015, 05:44:47 PM
I'm a jeans and t shirt gal most of the time but due to running a support group I often have to clean up the mess these kind of comments can cause
I don't know... it was clear to me reading it that she understood that she was out of place, and not them. How can you get an honest answer if you don't really want one? You said you want to know why people don't show up more than once and that was a few of the reasons.
To me, it sounds like the older generations could make a bigger effort reaching out to young people showing up. It sounds like many of these groups are dominated by gals who aren't in their 20s or 30s so they relate to things differently. Since they aren't in the minority, it's not they who are being victimized by a lone person who feels out of place. That claim could have been made by the poster but she didn't make it.
Instead of being offended, maybe people can assimilate what she said and realize how it could benefit your group. It sounds like a legitimate reason why many people wouldn't go to many of these when they stick out and don't know very many people there. I seriously doubt she meant any insult by it. In fact, she's trying to do you a favor by giving you the feedback you asked for.
Quote from: Jayne on February 25, 2015, 05:29:34 PM
Carrie, i'm not sure if you realise how insulting some of these comments come across as.
This rant may put some peoples noses out of place & may cause me to fall foul of the moderators but I couldn't care less as my nose has been put well & truly out of place, i've given myself almost an hour before replying so I could calm down
I'm sorry... I'm just telling you what my thoughts were the first time I went to a support group meeting. I had NEVER met a trans person in real life at the time. So it was a bit of a culture shock to have that be my very first experience with trans women.
QuoteI didn't realise there was an acceptable age limit for wearing heels, dresses or makeup. Like it or not but many of the older transitioners face the problems of coming out on the job whilst dealing with kids & family.
There isn't. All I'm saying is that I personally couldn't connect with it. Again, there's an age gap there. My concerns were things like "will anyone ever be able to find me attractive? Will I still be able to have a family one day? To find a decent career as a trans person? What does this mean for the entire life that's in front of me where I don't even know what I want yet?" You know, young-person concerns. It was hard for me to relate to discussions that were constantly about the struggles of people who were long since married, divorced, with kids, long since settled into their work lives, and more talking about the fallout from a long-established life being turned upside down rather than having to transition before you even knew what the hell you wanted to do with your life. And again, there is a big generational gap in terms of how we see femininity. I've always seen it as more about the physical body, about doing the exact same things I've always done but just doing them as a girl instead of a guy, where most of the old transitioners seemed to be of the cultural mindset that your gender COMPLETELY dominates everything about your life, from your dress, to your mannerisms, to the way you see the world, and it was very hard for me to relate to that mindset.
QuoteIt sounds like they were acting like what they were bought up with as a "typical woman", out living their lives.
Are you sure you didn't project some of your ageist hang ups onto these women? One woman in my group is struggling with the fact that where she grew up she was dragged before village elders & told that she wasn't welcome in her village, later in her life she was forced into electro shock therapy, she is trying to complete RLE before she is able to pass & such comments (online or in person) would be extremely damaging to her.
It sounds like you weren't very accepting of them.
I never said that they were lesser, or that I was judging them to be such. I just said I had a hard time personally connecting with them because our fundamental views on gender and what its importance in your life is seem so fundamentally different.
QuoteConsidering this support site is welcoming to cross dressers that is a rather insulting view, both to older transitioners & cross dressers
Sorry... that's what it felt like to me. And this is one case where I'm not going to defend myself, I'll just admit that my view is immature and biased. I know I shouldn't have a problem being grouped in with cross-dressers, and I shouldn't be judging unpassable trans people as looking and acting like cross-dressers, but to my eyes at the time, back then when I had NEVER met a trans woman in real life before and I was expecting the women I met at the trans group to look more cis-normative, it was a pretty big "OMG what the hell am I doing here?" moment for me. Yes, it was immature. And if it makes you feel better, I've since become friends with many of the exact people that I was looking down upon the very first time I went to the trans* support group and judging. I was just being honest, because the OP wanted to know why some young transitioners go to the group exactly one time and then leave. Whether it's morally right or not, I do feel like that shock factor is one of the reasons. And there's nothing we can really do to change it, other than work on de-stigmatizing feminine expression in those assigned male at birth, but for now, it's a problem. It took me a few meetings before I finally got used to it and felt awful for having judged them at first.
When I went to my last endo appointment the Dr. asked me if I had a support group to go to
I said "The only support I have is online and there isn't really anything in my town, at least none that I know of"
He then indicated that some of his other patients attended one in the city where he practices and asked if I'd like to get in contact with them and I said it would be fine for them to contact me
I was somewhat excited about it, but I've never heard from anybody, not even a message on my answer machine so that's been kinda discouraging :-\ I'm still keeping hope to meet others in my area and see how it goes though
Maybe it's all about making and keeping contact with people and making them feel welcome
In response to the OP's question:
There are many reasons that people do not come back. There are approximately 9 (?) or so trans* groups of various types in and near D.C. I have had a hand, large or small, in helping to start four of them. I have attended all of them. So here are some things I see:
In all but two of the groups, MtF persons dominate. One of the two that is not mtf dominated is an FtM specific one. If an FtM person comes into a group and does not see another FtM person, then they do not return. I have had some of them tell me how they won't return because there are no trans* guys the one time they visited.
It is also true that both FtM persons and non-binary persons have found themselves excluded. In the case of FtM people, there is usually a benign neglect. MtF persons in the groups tend to put on programs to meet their interests (make up, jewelry, etc) but have never, in the years I've been doing this work, had a single topic directed toward FtM persons. That neglect, plus a seeming inability to open the floor to FtM persons to discuss their issues, leads to there being no reason for them to attend. Non-binary persons are greeted in most groups with intrusive questioning, demands for explanations, and outright hostility. You know, the things that happen to trans* people so often. So they also do not return.
Then there are people who need support who come to a support group and find none. Their needs are not met, so they don't return. And there are people who just want a social experience and find a more intense environment. Their needs are also not met, so they too do not return.
There has been a bit of tension in some of the other comments, but it seems to actually be a fairly useful tension because it also illustrates some things. To wit:
Quote from: Hikari on February 25, 2015, 02:08:13 PM
Also if people really don't pass sonetimea it makes me uncomfortable.
When I attended my first trans* support group, I had a reaction kind of like this. I spent so much time convincing myself that being trans* meant more than just being a man in a dress. And I showed up at my first trans* group. Every single trans* person there was easily, immediately clockable, even to me as a person meeting my first trans* people. And it was because they seemed to my eyes at the time like . . . men in dresses. It scared the daylight savings out of me because I thought that might be what awaited me. I can't imagine that I am the only person ever to have that feeling. And I can readily imagine that it might scare a lot of people away.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 25, 2015, 02:31:58 PM
I'm not impressed with that. I recently pulled away from the support community because someone told me crossdressers triggered them. As we always say if a person has a problem with someone, it's their problem.
I am not particularly proud of my reaction. But it was real and I am being honest in describing it. I think that one of the useful things about having support groups is that they allow a person a space to work on those issues like their reactions to other trans* people. It seems to me like an important function.
Quote from: Jayne on February 25, 2015, 05:44:47 PM
I'm a jeans and t shirt gal most of the time but due to running a support group I often have to clean up the mess these kind of comments can cause
The unfortunate thing about doing support is that it requires safety. The purpose of safety is, in my opinion, to make it safe for people to be honest. But honesty I sn't always pretty.
Part of my task as a leader is to spend time instilling an ethos that makes it safe to talk openly about the stuff that isn't pretty or popular or even especially nice. That's the purpose of the Trans*Unity principles that I am always talking about. And it is further reinforced by our meeting guidelines. And we try to reinforce it by what we do in meetings.
It works pretty well. People talk about things they don't talk about anywhere else and yet I virtually never have to clean up a mess caused by someone else's insensitive comments.
The alternative, of course, is to say that certain things are just off limits and cannot be said. That may keep certain things from being said, but it also quashes honesty.
Sometimes people need to be really honest and not worry about if the things they say are in compliance with someone else's views. If they don't find that, then that's yet another reason to not return.
Very simple, if I feel uncomfortable, I am going to remove myself from the group and not say anything because I don't want to offend anyone. Clearly, even by acknowledging how it feels for me sometimes it made people offended. That is the exact sort of thing that keeps me very weary about support groups. I am not saying how anyone feels is wrong, merely that it can make one incompatible with a group where a differing prevailing thought process exists.
Quote from: Hikari on February 25, 2015, 06:43:06 PM
Very simple, if I feel uncomfortable, I am going to remove myself from the group and not say anything because I don't want to offend anyone. Clearly, even by acknowledging how it feels for me sometimes it made people offended. That is the exact sort of thing that keeps me very weary about support groups. I am not saying how anyone feels is wrong, merely that it can make one incompatible with a group where a differing prevailing thought process exists.
Quote from: Hikari on February 25, 2015, 02:08:13 PM
Honestly it would sound to me like I would t really relate to that group so I probably wouldn't come back either. If the group isn't really like similar to me and my peers I might as well just get support from my normal group of friends. Also if people really don't pass sonetimea it makes me uncomfortable.
OK, so substitute Black/Asian/Canadian for "people who really don't pass" Do you still feel OK about your remark?
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 25, 2015, 06:55:40 PM
OK, so substitute Black/Asian/Canadian for "people who really don't pass" Do you still feel OK about your remark?
Hugs, Devlyn
I have felt uncomfortable in all sorts of circumstances. I am not trying to argue with you, merely saying how I have felt before, I don't feel ashamed for having felt uncomfortable in a wide variety of circumstances involving all sorts of people, and I don't see what good it would do to feel bad about how I have felt before. The doctors office makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous even.
I am in my 20s and went to the local trans feminine support group only once. I have considered going back, but here are the reasons why I haven't bothered returning yet:
1. Depressing. Most of the women there were in their 50s and 60s, though there were quite a few people near my age. But what I heard from both the younger and older peeps (especially the older ones) is the most depressing stuff I've ever listened to in person.
2. I couldn't relate to the younger people there. They talked a lot about their experiences with coming out, going to gay bars/nightclubs, etc. I haven't done any of that.
3. I feel like I need to be on HRT, out of the closet, and making some attempt at presenting to count as really trans. I've only come out to one person in real life not counting people at support groups and my therapist, and I just barely started HRT.
4. I'm attending a different support group now that is mostly people closer to my age. It is a private group organized by therapists, and it is on the same night as the other group.
5. I'm still at the point where admitting my gender dysphoria to people in real life is extremely embarrassing. When I went to that group, I spoke very little and didn't really participate.
Hikari, I respect your honesty about your feelings. We ought to be able to be honest about such things here, of all places -- how else will we ever come to understand and learn from them?
It's a fact that humans tend to be made uncomfortable by other humans whom they perceive as different from them -- it's just how we're wired, and in the past it was a survival instinct. It's what we do about that discomfort that's important. In an ideal world, we'd all try to open our hearts and find ways in which we're not, after all, so different, and we'd celebrate our differences as making the world a funner and more interesting place.
But that's a lot to ask, especially of someone who is new to a given group of people. I think it's largely on the established members of a group to welcome a newcomer, and if that doesn't happen, and if the newcomer doesn't readily feel some sort of kinship with the group, then it's normal for that person to feel uncomfortable or even threatened. (I use the word "kinship" advisedly, because much of this does come down to ancestral, tribal/clannish ways of being.)
I mean, jeez, if I walked into a support group and found myself in a room full of Canadians, I'd freak -- those people are terrifying. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Feek.gif&hash=669241757cc6b77b28c325f022e1bf7b2454d127)
Quote from: Tysilio on February 25, 2015, 07:46:27 PM
Hikari, I respect your honesty about your feelings. We ought to be able to be honest about such things here, of all places -- how else will we ever come to understand and learn from them?
It's a fact that humans tend to be made uncomfortable by other humans whom they perceive as different from them -- it's just how we're wired, and in the past it was a survival instinct. It's what we do about that discomfort that's important. In an ideal world, we'd all try to open our hearts and find ways in which we're not, after all, so different, and we'd celebrate our differences as making the world a funner and more interesting place.
But that's a lot to ask, especially of someone who is new to a given group of people. I think it's largely on the established members of a group to welcome a newcomer, and if that doesn't happen, and if the newcomer doesn't readily feel some sort of kinship with the group, then it's normal for that person to feel uncomfortable or even threatened. (I use the word "kinship" advisedly, because much of this does come down to ancestral, tribal/clannish ways of being.)
I mean, jeez, if I walked into a support group and found myself in a room full of Canadians, I'd freak -- those people are terrifying. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Feek.gif&hash=669241757cc6b77b28c325f022e1bf7b2454d127)
I disagree that honesty about your feelings trumps the need to consider other people's feelings. I'm the crossdresser here. I'm the one making people "uncomfortable." When do we discuss the honesty of those feelings? Here, of all places?
We fear what we don't understand. Tysilio, if you watched South Park, you'd know that a Canadian's head flaps up and down when they talk. It's different, but nothing to be terrified of. :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
I started transition at 20 (5 years ago) and I have yet to go to a support group mainly because of the age gap issue. I mean even on this site I find it hard to post sometimes for the same reason.
I guess I got lucky then. my group is mostly 20's and 30's with a couple older people who come every now and then.
Okay folks
That is quite enough
Apparently trans people come in all ages and some folks have difficulty accepting others
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