The subject pretty much says it all; lately, more and more, I've been feeling like for some reason I'm not actually a real trans woman, I'm just some deluded kid. Every time I take me hormones, I feel like I'm being disrespectful to people that actually diserve them. Some of the things I feel invalidate my trans-ness:
-I'm not straight
-I didn't transition before puberty
-Hormones have not changed my body after two years-and would have if I was actually a trans woman.
All of these things and more...a month ago, I was certain of this, certain, but now...all of my certainty has fallen apart. I just feel like I'm faking this whole thing. I'm really scared :'(
Everyone has doubts. And your 3 things? First 2 have no relevance to your trans-ness! Your sexuality is not related to gender and most of us don't transition before puberty. In fact, acceptance of trans kids is a fairly new phenomenon. A great one, but a new one.
Three? I don't know how long you've been on them, but they take time and everybody responds to them different. Keep talking and working with your therapist. All these are normal feelings.
Good luck and hugs! Remember you are not alone.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on February 26, 2015, 09:41:08 PM
The subject pretty much says it all; lately, more and more, I've been feeling like for some reason I'm not actually a real trans woman, I'm just some deluded kid. Every time I take me hormones, I feel like I'm being disrespectful to people that actually diserve them. Some of the things I feel invalidate my trans-ness:
-I'm not straight
-I didn't transition before puberty
-Hormones have not changed my body-and would have if I was actually a trans woman.
All of these things and more...a month ago, I was certain of this, certain, but now...all of my certainty has fallen apart. I just feel like I'm faking this whole thing. I'm really scared :'(
-i started transition at 30 and had gcs at 47
-sexual preference has nothing to do with gender , i am a lesbian
-hormones will change your body trans or not. Even the most macho manly man would have some level of effect. How much depends on many factors but NOT being trans or not.
So relax those things have no bearing on gender dysphoria ;)
Big hug! Don't be scared. I'll go over your three things, too.
-I'm not straight***So what?
-I didn't transition before puberty***So what?
-Hormones have not changed my body***Be very, very careful what you ask for!
Maybe it is time to revisit these issues with your therapist.
There is never a gun to anyones head.
Maybe you need to stop. De-transition.
Back to male.
Its easy. So many make it hard.
Transition is just that a transition from one point in life to another.
Somewhere alone the line the community enbraced the act as a gender.
I am female and always been.
Maybe you are or are not? You answer to answer.
Lots of luck.
Honey, it sounds like you are just psyching yourself out.
You don't need to meet some "trans enough" standard, and you deserve hormones just as much as anyone.
And as for the straight and before puberty things, don't get us going...
I should have been female, but I don't think I ever be. I don't want to go back, I really don't. But I feel like I should just accept the fact that I'm bever going to be a woman.
If you have a sense that you will "never be woman enough", where does it come from?
Is it a sense of "I don't pass now, so I never will"? Which is more a sense of feeling discouraged by slow progress than true identity. (That's my sense of it anyhow.)
or
Is it a sense of "I know I have progressed as far towards the feminine as I can"? In wich case I would cautiously say that perhaps you are closer to a-gendered than to female?
As for some of the other, prepare for broken record....
Not Straight... I'm A-sexual and FTM... I'm no more or less a guy than Joe Someguy who slavers over every hot woman. Ergo, you are no more or less a female than Jane Everygirl who faints at the sight of the nearest hot guy.
Not transitioned before puberty... A lot don't!
No hormone changes... that may be something to bring to your Endo as a concern rather than a diagnosis of not being trans.
Now, having said all that, it is who you are as YOU see yourself that is most important, not as how you can be compared to others. I hope you find some peace in yourself as to who you are. :)
And before anyone wishes to start a smite war.
De-transition is a viable option and should sometimes be considered.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,487.0.html is the one of the child boards under the Transgender talk
I would strongly advise one think before one smites anyone.
Just a warning.
BTW first smite I received as a Admin.
back to regularly programming schedule.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on February 26, 2015, 09:41:08 PM
The subject pretty much says it all; lately, more and more, I've been feeling like for some reason I'm not actually a real trans woman, I'm just some deluded kid. Every time I take me hormones, I feel like I'm being disrespectful to people that actually diserve them. Some of the things I feel invalidate my trans-ness:
-I'm not straight
-I didn't transition before puberty
-Hormones have not changed my body after two years-and would have if I was actually a trans woman.
All of these things and more...a month ago, I was certain of this, certain, but now...all of my certainty has fallen apart. I just feel like I'm faking this whole thing. I'm really scared :'(
I am not straight, and I didn't transition before puberty for certain, I mean I would imagine that would apply to a great deal of transwomen. As far as I am aware, how effective hormones are at feminizing your body isn't really related to how "trans" someone is.
"I'm not straight"-- most lesbians are cis-women, and some are pretty femme.
"I didn't transition before puberty"-- less than a century ago, we would have all been institutionalized, mental or criminal. the modern concept of transition began a little over 80 years ago, and was extremely crude by today's standards. Transgender children didn't have that option until very recently, many if not most still don't, and many face absolutely atrocious abuse. Until recently "dressing up and playing dolls" and hoping they didn't get caught was the only option trans-feminine children had to express their gender identity. For some, there are no clear signs of being trans in childhood, but it becomes clear when someone is a young adult, or later in life. Most children who transitioned before puberty aren't even old enough to get SRS yet.
"Hormones have not changed my body..." How do feel with testosterone running through system? How do feel with estrogen running through your system? If you feel better on estrogen, your probably a transsexual. I wish hormones would give the body I want too, with soft skin, softer facial features, large breasts, big child-bearing hips, and a nice round bum. Its probably not going to happen, and "trans-ness" has nothing to do with it, your gender is located in your brain, not your ass, hips, boobs, or face. plenty of women have not much of anything in the way of curves, and plenty of women have way too much (been to your local wal-mart lately?)
If transitioning makes you feel better, then you are trans enough to transition. I still sometimes worry if I am crazy, but pushing forward makes me feel better. Being trans is a pretty hard life, do what makes you feel better and don't punish yourself for not fitting into a neat little box and coloring outside the lines, there are too people already willing to do that for you.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on February 26, 2015, 10:12:20 PM
I should have been female, but I don't think I ever be. I don't want to go back, I really don't. But I feel like I should just accept the fact that I'm bever going to be a woman.
I get the all or nothing mentality and the thought that I will never be a true biological woman like I wish. With HRT, though, I will have something as opposed to nothing and that counts for plenty. I know I'd rather be more feminine than completely masculine.
What is "trans enough"?
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on February 26, 2015, 09:41:08 PM
The subject pretty much says it all; lately, more and more, I've been feeling like for some reason I'm not actually a real trans woman, I'm just some deluded kid. Every time I take me hormones, I feel like I'm being disrespectful to people that actually diserve them. Some of the things I feel invalidate my trans-ness:
-I'm not straight
-I didn't transition before puberty
-Hormones have not changed my body after two years-and would have if I was actually a trans woman.
All of these things and more...a month ago, I was certain of this, certain, but now...all of my certainty has fallen apart. I just feel like I'm faking this whole thing. I'm really scared :'(
- I'm not straight either.. And neither are 1/3 or more of trans women - at least according to a couple of surveys I've seen, including one here.
- I didn't even work it out until puberty hit, let alone transition. Besides, 1987 probably wasn't a good year for it.
- I tried claiming my body hasn't changed. I still maintain it hasn't. Old clothes and friends that knew me before tell me otherwise. As for boobs, imagine 2 small fried eggs, now pin them to a wall.. Yep, that's all I've got. And I'm approaching 4 years on hormones.
Paranoia the destroyer.
i sometimes think this way, but then think dude youre wearing 100% womens clothes and loving it. My straight friends have never once thought about sexchange, like, never, rather than being troubled by it all their lives. So im pretty sure Im going to stay the course. we can do this girl.
Girl you ARE "Woman enough"! forget being "trans enough". You are a girl and that is that!!
I know this feeling well and its not very pleasant.
Its easy to compare ourselves to others and think that if that's what transgender means then its not me. Its true in a way, that I'm not like some other people but I've learned the hard way that it doesn't mean much. I now view being transgender as being a spectrum instead of yes or no, and its pretty obvious I'm on it somewhere - there's no way I'm normal cis.
I've been taking things really slowly, from starting HRT till now. Far too slowly, to the point where I eventually became extremely depressed and ill, both of which started disappearing when I did something about it. I try not to compare myself to others now. I know what I need, and I'm not ready to die over the meaning of a word.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on February 26, 2015, 09:41:08 PM
The subject pretty much says it all; lately, more and more, I've been feeling like for some reason I'm not actually a real trans woman, I'm just some deluded kid.
I had these thoughts several times when I was just starting transition, and it's not completely unexpected. Transition can be scary, so your brain can cause these doubts to get you back to a place that it sees as familiar and "safe". Like others have said, there is no such thing as "not trans enough." All that really matters is if you think you would be happier living as a man or as a woman.
The fact that you are taking your hormones and actually thought about it to the point you went through the living hell of getting them should be enough for you to know you are trans.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on February 26, 2015, 09:41:08 PM
The subject pretty much says it all; lately, more and more, I've been feeling like for some reason I'm not actually a real trans woman, I'm just some deluded kid. Every time I take me hormones, I feel like I'm being disrespectful to people that actually diserve them. Some of the things I feel invalidate my trans-ness:
-I'm not straight
-I didn't transition before puberty
-Hormones have not changed my body after two years-and would have if I was actually a trans woman.
All of these things and more...a month ago, I was certain of this, certain, but now...all of my certainty has fallen apart. I just feel like I'm faking this whole thing. I'm really scared :'(
I see your pics and I see all woman. I think you look wonderful.
Sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things.
I started transition at 43.
Hormones don't know if you're trans or not. They just do their hormoney things.
Second, third, hell, fifth and sixth guesses are normal. I need a counter to keep track of how many times I second guessed myself before deciding "Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead!"
I feel your pain and I'm getting more of these thoughts the closer I am on my transition date at work.
I feel like I am not ready and I am not woman enough which is kinda silly ugh!
At some point during my transition I felt sorta "stuck". Like my transition came to a halt but I wasn't "passing" enough yet. This made me depressed. I posted about it here on Susan's some years ago. But I kept pushing, kept on going, and now I've completed FFS and SRS which has helped me tremendously. Now I feel complete. Sure I was jealous of all the girls who started hormones before the end of their puberty but for someone who started after, I now have no problem blending in. I say talk to your therapist to help you cope and continue continuing on. Don't give up. It will all get better. If later you decide transition isn't really for you and you want to revert back, that's ok too. Just follow your heart and your happiness. Best wishes and smile!
Quote from: mrs izzy on February 27, 2015, 01:05:27 AM
And before anyone wishes to start a smite war.
De-transition is a viable option and should sometimes be considered.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,487.0.html is the one of the child boards under the Transgender talk
I would strongly advise one think before one smites anyone.
Just a warning.
BTW first smite I received as a Admin.
back to regularly programming schedule.
I agree with mrs izzy, there's no reason to smite her, you started this thread (and others) expressing your pain, over your inability to pass, and how you will never be able to afford surgery, with your realization that things will not improve for you in the future, so she offered the obvious available option to you.
The funny thing about that headline to me is that I NEVER wanted to be trans anything. Just a average woman. Nothing more and nothing less.
I reversed the smite issued by androgynouspainter26 to Mrs Izzy....
Quote from: Susan on February 27, 2015, 12:15:05 PM
I removed your smite of Mrs Izzy. You may disgree that her suggestion was applicable to your situation, but the advice it's self was practical and inline with the TOS. The fact that you do not like the advice doesn't give you the right to smite the person who gave it; just don't follow it. I also removed your ability to issue reputation for time. Remind me in a couple of months and I will consider restoring it.
I can hardly even believe what I am reading right here, maybe this really is the wrong place for me these days.
Are you ready to look like this when you are older?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FaTegVax.jpg&hash=b189fc72943a88f2429f117f2492ff19d2d6c0c8)
"Meow"
Seriously though, maybe think about it from a reverse perspective. Are you cis enough to not be trans?
Are you ready to grow out your body hair, and grow a beard? Which is all the rage these days. Most straight women like guys with body hair, it drove me nuts.
Are you ready for your bones to get more masculine. This can't be reversed.
I fought it for years before I knew what it was. I used to be rather androgynous and a painter, I drew girls a lot, and one of my girlfriends pointed out I was drawing myself it made me depressed and I did art less. I used to get called a ->-bleeped-<-, and got miss'd on occasion when I had longer hair, but I didn't like men, I like women, and tried to man up, thinking if I just found the right woman I would feel complete, that this would go away. Then when I was face to face with it, I ran away into another relationship for a few more years. That doesn't work, it never goes away.
At the very least the hormones should be helping you from getting more masculine.
HRT will not make your waist much smaller, depending on your ribs, you are young and could try "waist training" or try gaining weight to get more feminine curves. Someone on ->-bleeped-<- said they did three month cycles of gaining fat and loosing it, eating a lot of ice cream for example.
Wishing you the best. ox
My suggestions and tone has been based on your past issues with this same issues that seems to have a grip on your life.
My said suggestion was based on one of your post you made saying your therapist felt maybe you need to step back.
Even though I think Susan's is a great for support I also see it can become a enabler at times.
Things are hard and not fun.
Your concerns I feel are valid and need your exploration with your therapist.
Acceptance has to come from within then the door opens.
Hugs
Quote from: mrs izzy on February 26, 2015, 10:09:12 PM
Maybe it is time to revisit these issues with your therapist.
There is never a gun to anyones head.
Maybe you need to stop. De-transition.
Back to male.
Its easy. So many make it hard.
Transition is just that a transition from one point in life to another.
Somewhere alone the line the community enbraced the act as a gender.
I am female and always been.
Maybe you are or are not? You answer to answer.
Lots of luck.
Alright, when I read this, it came across as a bit cold to me, not supportive, and enforcing the "gender binary". I am not familiar with the reputation system here, but smiting sounds harsh as well, where discussion could have been a better answer. You must have been upset. Hugs.
We are all a mix of masculine and feminine traits, some physical some mental. Biology isn't black and white, neither should be gender. We don't have to be one or the other, be yourself. Don't worry about what anybody else thinks. We can help build a better world for us, but we have to fight for it.
Another thing that comes to mind is I have read articles about people with "successful" careers, often feel like they are in out of their depth, that they often feel like they are "faking" it. It's normal to have doubts about just about anything, it is good to be introspective and find your own truth.
De-transition can be hard as well, at this point, If I stopped I would need top surgery. So be careful, don't make any rash decisions, and perhaps talk with your therapist more, as Mrs Izzy suggested.
Hugs to everyone.
ox
also, 19, 20, 21, its a crazy time! everyone feels ->-bleeped-<-ty and scared quite often! i wasnt ready to do it for real till i was 32.. but i wish id had the gumption when i was 22!!
"Things are hard and not fun. "
pshhaw things can be loads of fun! strutting around in a dress feeling a million bucks with your friends like it aint no thing, please, thats crazy surreal fun of the highest grade.
hey you see Eddy Redmayne is doing a movie about a transgirl back in the day. the first one, in fact. the neil armstrong of ->-bleeped-<-s. between you and me, i think in the more cosmopolitan parts of the world, its rather fashionable right now. this is our time.
Quote from: alexbb on February 27, 2015, 07:38:41 PM
also, 19, 20, 21, its a crazy time! everyone feels ->-bleeped-<-ty and scared quite often! i wasnt ready to do it for real till i was 32.. but i wish id had the gumption when i was 22!!
What she said! I couldn't even let a psychologist know I had these feelings when I was your age. What you are doing is remarkable. A part of me wishes I had been strong enough to face myself back then. The other part says I wouldn't have all of the life experiences I was able to have if I had. I can't go back in time and be the person I was ment to be. I wasn't even strong enough to face myself let alone the whole world.
If you are who you believe you are then you don't want to be like me looking back and wondering what could have been. You are lucky enough to live in a time where there is so much help available to you.
As far as the future is concerned, no one knows what their future is going to be. I didn't act on so many things that were problems in my life because I thought I was not going to be able to afford it. I don't know if I would have been better off taking those risks but I do know that by not doing it I have messed up some physical and psychological aspects of my life that no amount of money can fix.
Like many people your age you are seeing things as absolute in black and white when in fact there are so many variations, variables and different things that can change our circumstances in the blink of an eye.
Talk it over with your counslor and give it all the time you need. You have been at it for so long and only you can know which is the right path for you.
I wish you all the peace and happiness you can find sister!!
Hugs to you babe!