Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been going to lesbian meetups for about a year and a half. I'm not unattractive, dress well (though not on fashions cutting edge), have a decent body, though a somewhat masculine face. Yes, I'm a bit socially awkward, but I'm smart, funny when you get to know me, and easy to talk to. There really is no reason why I should be a social pariah. I easily fall within the age group of the women that go to these things. Because I'm 5'11" and a bit gawky, I imagine those with activated transdar clock me, so I can't rule out that as a problem.

I have had NO INTEREST at all from anyone. People are mostly friendly, kind, and engage socially when I approach them, but no one seems the slightest bit interested in me as more than a casual social encounter.

Have other people had similar experiences, or is it just me?

As a curious bystander, I've heard that most cis lesbians are not that into trans women, but that shouldn't deter you, if that is what you are looking for, because, sooner or later, you'll find someone that you really hit it off with.  And, I'm just curious, are you also interested in dating trans women? 

The problems I have seen is we are not attractive to gay men because we want to get rid of it and lesbians don't like us having it. UGH!

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 22, 2015, 08:25:11 PM
The problems I have seen is we are not attractive to gay men because we want to get rid of it and lesbians don't like us having it. UGH!

I was under the impression that most cis lesbians are not that into post-op trans women either, if they are able to make that determination.

I belonged to a women's motorcycle touring group for a while and the group was a mix of trans-women, straight women and lesbians.  A couple of the trans-women had lesbian partners, so I guess it does happen.

i can't say that i've had much interest from lesbian women, but i have from women that are bi.

I'm on a couple of lesbian dating sites and find it very difficult to keep more than an initial inquisitive questioning going on. I'm sure it happens , but I'm guessing it takes some time. I'm been on the dating sites for about six months and I've gotten a lot of curiosity about why I'm on the site and what I'm looking for , but no willingness to go pass the initial curiosity why I'm hanging out at the site. I've also gotten some very hostile questioning from a very few about men pretending to be woman.

Well, there are cis lesbians who look for advice on how to date lesbians...

if two women are involved its possible both wait for the first move to be made.

You might try to be more outgoing, and get more active.

There are lots of success stories of trans women with lesbians, so its possible.

I'd say try to be yourself... and if you are a nice person, you have something to offer...
I'd say just keep on keeping on...  the right one will come eventually :)

hugs

Prior to transition I was a "social pariah." I have no idea why...but as I transitioned, meeting people and going on dates actually got easier.

They were all single-event dates, but still...

Then I found what I was looking for...a cis-lesbian who did not mind that I was in the process of transitioning. One thing is, she considers herself more "lesbian without a dislike for men" (meaning, she's almost bi). She doesn't mind the dangler, and is patient while we're waiting for my SRS. She also doesn't mind that I don't pass all that well, she says I am beautiful no matter what. (We are married now. I simply could not let someone like her get away, because it is difficult finding such an open-minded person)

100% lesbians will have a problem with That Part (which I know you don't have anymore) but they will also have a problem difficulty putting the fact that you used to have It, behind the relationship.

It's the same kind of fear that cis-men have when dating a post-op trans-woman..."But, didn't you used to be a man...?" They can't get their minds wrapped around the concept.

Hey,

I've been approached by a number of prospective partners: men over 6'2" and bi-women are the two biggest groups by far.  Never by a lesbian.  Not once.  I have had the opposite - disdain. 

If my wife leaves (which is likely), I'm gong for a bi-woman.  They understand and appreciate me as I am.

Hugs Girl!

Jen

Even I managed to get dates with lesbians though 2 of them were bunny boilers

I've had interest from women via a lesbian dating site (winks, smiles, flowers)... but then I haven't declared my status either. None of them seemed all that appealing to me as potential dates so I never pursued their initial interest (being a bit precious aren't I?). I've dropped my interaction with the site for a month or so and will try again. But I am pre-op so don't know about my chances regardless. Like Jen says, bi-women seem most likely to be open to a trans woman.

What do you consider middle aged? 40's? I started transition in my late 20's, I'm almost 35 (am I middle aged yet?) and I've had zero trouble dating women. If there's physical attraction between people, they'll get on. I think throwing gender into it just confuses the issue. Date who you're attracted to and let others do the same. That way, everyone gets hot dates, everyone wins :)

37 here - is that middle aged? :) Similarly to Isabelle, I have found that women have become more interested in me - both bi-sexual ladies and lesbians. I have two lesbian friends to hang out (coffee, chocolate, girl talk) and a couple of stunning bi-girls, who probably would want something more than coffee. I have also encountered several lesbians who are full wil prejudice and bigotry and could not be persuaded to learn and to listen.
The only issue (dating-wise) with above-mentioned ladies is that I can only see them as female friends. My mind registers them as being smart and funny and attractive, but there is no further chemistry involved :D.

I'm 39 and haven't had too many problems with other women. The worst I've gotten is "If you had been born with the right equipment, it would already have happened."

My husband June (she's in my avatar pic) and I hit it off pretty easily.

We knew each other through our job.  She knew of me prior to my transition on the job.  Later after my transition it started as friendship going to lunch together and stuff like that.  Then it just grew.

She's very butch and we kind of fit together like two puzzle pieces.  I call her my lost sock (reference from the movie "Different for Girls")

She has been a lifelong lesbian and has always seen me as a woman and to me it just seems like the most natural of relationships.

Our genders are not the most important thing in our relationship.  We have so many other things in common between us and that is what really matters.

We're a bit beyond middle aged as we are both in our 60's but we feel that age is just a number.

-Sandy

Most cis woman who have dated trans women that I know are either Pan-sexual or bisexual. There are a few I know that are strictly lesbian, but I also know a few lesbians that will only date a trans woman if they are post-op.

I'm 33 and 4 months into HRT. So my results are way to early to count me out, but so far nothing. However as a straight man I didn't get a lot of luck either. I haven't had a girlfriend since Dec 2001 and I've been on exactly 1 date since. It was March 2014 and it was as a straight man not a trans lesbian. In fairness a big part of that gap was me more concerned with my financial status than dating so I more or less gave up. I didn't make any real efforts between 2006 and 2012.

I am 46 I just want them to like me, I don't care what their declared sexual preference is. The last person I dated was a 25 year old trans male.


Yeah I'm a cougar.  >:-)

i know many lesbians that are cool with dating trans women. unfortunately i am a millennial and thus not middle aged. the generation gap is huge as far as the lesbian community's acceptance of trans women/ trans lesbians is concerned]

I found women more accepting of dating a trans partner.I've always been the boyfriends dirty secret they're ashamed to be seen with

I have a girlfriend in the UK (Pre-Op TS) that is now in a successful relationship with a Bi-sexual woman, but she mentioned to me on my last visit to the UK that what really changed her acceptance from bi and lesbian women was wen she had her Brazilian Buttock Lift adding extra curves to her buttocks and hips and accentuating her curves and the fact that she had also had Breast Augmentation (very nice D Cup). She said she was told it was thst she passed very well and her curves spelt real "womanhood", such that other women were very happy to be seen with her. She told me that the "dating pool" jumped for her dramatically after the BBL with no one really knowing unless told that she still had her parts, although like me, they are now very tiny and so pretty easily hidden. Mind she looks fabulous now in a bikini!

My closest MtF trans friend (pre-op nonetheless) was in a relationship with a cis lesbian for almost a year straight.

She's only in her mid-30s, so I'm not sure if you count that as "middle age" or not, and I have indeed noticed that it seems to be more common for younger lesbians to be more okay with trans women than older ones, but she's proof that it does indeed happen.

I'm 27 and I've had that problem. Well it was more to see their reactions after I realized it was completely hopeless. My conclusions are that gender is the basis of their attraction and that they can't get over "the man in you." That's why I will be leaving being trans behind as soon as it's complete.

I do have one very close friend who married a lesbian about 2 years ago; she was and is pre-op, though I don't know details of their sex life (and don't want to!). She's in her mid-40s and her wife is about 10 years younger.

(I assume you mean cis lesbians. I have also had a couple of trans lesbian friends hit on me. ;) It's flattering, but I'm married and too busy to date.)

A really good friend of mine (age 35) is a lesbian, and dating a transwoman (age 50, transitioned around 35).  It happens.

55 years old Bi and over 30 years postop.

Over the last 35 years or so I've dated cis men, lesbian cis women, & one transwomen - no problem with any of them - sadly I've never managed a transman, they seem strangely reluctant to date a transwoman.

Quote from: Rejennyrated on June 28, 2015, 03:39:01 PM
55 years old Bi and over 30 years postop.

Over the last 35 years or so I've dated cis men, lesbian cis women, & one transwomen - no problem with any of them - sadly I've never managed a transman, they seem strangely reluctant to date a transwoman.

I don't know about other transguys but I dated a transwoman,but we realized it's better to have friendly relations as I'm asexual(can't feel sexual attraction toward anyone,I can only feel romantic love..she is sexual and she wanted to be seen as sexual being and loved in such way as well) so it didn't work..so breaking up has nothing to do with any of us being transsexual..Just 2 different people with different interest in sexuality(or lack of interest)

Quote from: Rejennyrated on June 28, 2015, 03:39:01 PM
55 years old Bi and over 30 years postop.

Over the last 35 years or so I've dated cis men, lesbian cis women, & one transwomen - no problem with any of them - sadly I've never managed a transman, they seem strangely reluctant to date a transwoman.

  I wonder if the issue you noted with transmen is that they might not feel 'real' enough if they can't 'manage' to date a cis person.  In a way I sort of feel the same about wanting to date cis women - it would feel like complete acceptance and validation of my identity rather than some sort of compromise.  That sounds bad, and I don't mean to put down anyone trans obviously since I am one, but I'm just not that keen on dating trans people either (I've not completely ruled it out).

  I'm willing to bet the same goes for cis lesbians - that dating another cis lesbian feels like the only route to full social acceptance in their circles and to validating their identity.  Certainly there are a lot of lesbians in my city that are militantly anti-trans because they believe transwomen undermine the validity of cis lesbians, so I can understand where this sentiment in the community as a whole sprouts from.

  If things don't ever work out for me as a non-op attempting to date lesbians then I'm certainly open to bi/queer women instead.  What concerns me is that bi and queer women have so many options open to them that it gives them far too many excuses to dump me.  I'm also seriously disinterested in the thought of anyone seeing anything male in me and being attracted for that reason or actually expecting to interact with my penis in any way that makes me feel male.  (I'd prefer not to use it at all.)  Prior to coming out (but late in transition) I met a queer woman who was attracted to me because I was a "beautiful boy" in her words.   This is hardly the sort of situation I want to end up in because it runs completely counter to my identity.  One way or another I want to be viewed and interacted with purely as a woman.

Quote from: Andre87 on June 28, 2015, 04:44:47 PM
I don't know about other transguys but I dated a transwoman,but we realized it's better to have friendly relations as I'm asexual(can't feel sexual attraction toward anyone,I can only feel romantic love..she is sexual and she wanted to be seen as sexual being and loved in such way as well) so it didn't work.

Well concerning asexual... some meds for example against depression have that side effect... it should be possible to switch to others then...
a healthy nutrition might help...
and maybe a bit of regular exercise, a few minutes a day... a walk, a few situps...

hugs

Quote from: Laura_7 on June 28, 2015, 04:52:37 PM
Well concerning asexual... some meds for example against depression have that side effect... it should be possible to switch to others then...
a healthy nutrition might help...
and maybe a bit of regular exercise, a few minutes a day... a walk, a few situps...

hugs

No,I'm not on meds..That "asexual" trait runs in my family from mother's side lol...She is dedicated to science,never married and couldn't find soulmate etc..I'm similar. Under some circumstances it is good because I feel less pressure and I can think more objective...but on the other hand most of people care about sex so yes, it can cause trouble when dating someone.Also now i have a son and it seems he's different.Although he's still a kid,I just hope I'll be able to give him wise advices about sexuality during puberty..



ps Geez I have to change profile pic,I realized I look depressing on it (I was tired then) haha

Quote from: Violet Bloom on June 28, 2015, 04:49:45 PM
  I wonder if the issue you noted with transmen is that they might not feel 'real' enough if they can't 'manage' to date a cis person.  In a way I sort of feel the same about wanting to date cis women - it would feel like complete acceptance and validation of my identity rather than some sort of compromise.  That sounds bad, and I don't mean to put down anyone trans obviously since I am one, but I'm just not that keen on dating trans people either (I've not completely ruled it out).

Yeah I noticed in local trans community that MTF- FTM couples unfortunately don't exist...maybe because of reason you mentioned.But that applies to some sexual people (not all).Personally,I don't see any barrier.Cis girl or trans girl is the same to me..

Also (I got impression) some trans people want to "escape from the story when they finished" and they don't want to go through someone else's transition..it's too painful for them.I have feeling that's another reason..to avoid painful past.

Quote from: Violet Bloom on June 28, 2015, 04:49:45 PM
  I wonder if the issue you noted with transmen is that they might not feel 'real' enough if they can't 'manage' to date a cis person.  In a way I sort of feel the same about wanting to date cis women - it would feel like complete acceptance and validation of my identity rather than some sort of compromise.  That sounds bad, and I don't mean to put down anyone trans obviously since I am one, but I'm just not that keen on dating trans people either (I've not completely ruled it out).

  I'm willing to bet the same goes for cis lesbians - that dating another cis lesbian feels like the only route to full social acceptance in their circles and to validating their identity.  Certainly there are a lot of lesbians in my city that are militantly anti-trans because they believe transwomen undermine the validity of cis lesbians, so I can understand where this sentiment in the community as a whole sprouts from.

  If things don't ever work out for me as a non-op attempting to date lesbians then I'm certainly open to bi/queer women instead.  What concerns me is that bi and queer women have so many options open to them that it gives them far too many excuses to dump me.  I'm also seriously disinterested in the thought of anyone seeing anything male in me and being attracted for that reason or actually expecting to interact with my penis in any way that makes me feel male.  (I'd prefer not to use it at all.)  Prior to coming out (but late in transition) I met a queer woman who was attracted to me because I was a "beautiful boy" in her words.   This is hardly the sort of situation I want to end up in because it runs completely counter to my identity.  One way or another I want to be viewed and interacted with purely as a woman.

You might have several good points there... although personally speaking I don't really feel the need for any validation, nor indeed do I ask anyone to see me as anything in particular, I basically say take me as you find me.

I suppose being bi I do have more options, but its a fallacy to say that I am more likely to dump on someone because I'm bi. Bi is not the same thing as poly-amory. Once I commit to someone I'm just as committed to them as anyone else would be. It's just that when I'm single I dont rule out 50% of the population based on what is or isnt between their legs.

When I've dated cis lesbians the bi issue has generally been a bigger leap than the trans issue, because as an originally very young transitioner, I generally blend in well, and so although am not secretive about my past, it isnt obvious to someone who doesnt know. Also of course it does help that I'm 3 decades postop and everything about me other than the SRS is absolutely natural, no silcone, no nips and tucks, so I guess that partly why I've never had problems with full social acceptance. I think most lesbians do regard a non-op transwoman as a bit problematic, because lets be honest for the non bisexuals of the human race, there is an element of genital discrimination...

Actually I did wonder whether it was because the transmen would be worried about the sexual aspects of the relationship and how I would see them. Actually thats not really an issue for me, because I take people as I find them, just as I expect them to do with me. I don't really have an agenda for a relationship, sex is very nice when it happens, but not essential.

My consultant psychiatrist colleague tells me its because I'm seen as an Alpha female and a lot of people are overawed by that. I find that quite amusing because I don't seek to be an Alpha, and I dont find myself that impressive, I suppose see all the holes which apparently others don't! :P

Quote from: Andre87 on June 28, 2015, 05:21:37 PM
Also (I got impression) some trans people want to "escape from the story when they finished" and they don't want to go through someone else's transition..it's too painful for them.I have feeling that's another reason..to avoid painful past.

Hehe - no chance of that for me... as a soon to be doctor, I'm pretty sure I shall see a fair few. Also I never had the painful past. For me it was all quite fun... I kind of enjoyed being male for a short while, even though I knew it wasnt right for me, but it was interesting and it had its moments.

Quote from: Andre87 on June 28, 2015, 05:21:37 PM
Yeah I noticed in local trans community that MTF- FTM couples unfortunately don't exist...maybe because of reason you mentioned.But that applies to some sexual people (not all).Personally,I don't see any barrier.Cis girl or trans girl is the same to me..

Also (I got impression) some trans people want to "escape from the story when they finished" and they don't want to go through someone else's transition..it's too painful for them.I have feeling that's another reason..to avoid painful past.

  There's this weird twist in my situation.  I have such an aversion to the male form and personality traits that I have a hard time with the idea of ever dating a transwoman because I am put off by the residual male qualities.  At the same time I like cis women that lean andro or boyish in physical and personality traits to the point where I often find myself drawn towards FTMs.  (Mostly pre-transition or partial transition.)  I actually wouldn't rule out dating FTMs, but the testosterone-induced changes and top surgery are too much for my tastes.

  Your second point is very true for some.  I want a chance at experiencing life through the eyes of a partner who has had the benefit of a stable cis experience.  I've lived 38 years of crazy, painful hell in many respects and I finally want to be able to move on and forget the past.  I'm at quite a disadvantage now due to all the experiences I never had because of my condition.

@Rejennyrated: Just one point of clarification - I did't mean to suggest that bi people are less loyal in a relationship.  It's just that with a vastly increased dating pool available to them I'd be worried there are far more potential candidates available that could be seen as less complicated or more ideal than I am, being trans.  I guess I just struggle to believe that I can ever be the ideal partner for anyone when there are far more cis options out there.

I think we should ask moderators to put this discussion into separate topic "Trans couples"  :D